Post 294: I Wish It Was Really Tuesday

Phone call at 8:30 a.m. to husband:

“I had a rush of fear that you are cheating on me. You aren’t cheating on me, right? It’s just my brain, right? You love me?”

Text message (paraphrased) to both husband and good friend, around 11:00 a.m.:

“I have a scratchy throat and feel achy. I am worried that the cold I had is trying to come back. Other people have colds that come back, right? It doesn’t mean my immune system is bad and I’m dying, does it?”

Phone call at 12:15 a.m. to husband:

“Honey, I’m not losing my mind,am I? How has my memory been? Have I been forgetful? Do I seem like my brain is degenerating?”

Seems I’ve had coffee today….Racing thoughts and borderline paranoia about health and relationships.

I tried to not have coffee for two days, and quickly slipped into a state of increased pain, fatigue, and melancholy. With coffee (spiked with organic hot chocolate) my energy is tripled, my esteem increased, and my mood one of mostly happy, (when I’m not obsessing about my health or abandonment issues).

I got a lot done this morning, with the help of aforementioned caffeine and sugar combo. I feel satisfied when I get things done. I feel guilty when I’m a couch spud—which I am when my pain and fatigue is at its peak.

I’ve been working to find a balance, a careful ratio of just enough caffeine and not too much. I’ve been trying combinations of green tea and coffee and chocolate.

coffee

Everything in my life seems to be dependent upon balance and ratio. I’m often at one extreme or another of something, some experience, or some thought.

Everything and everyone affects me at some level.

A new day is never easy. The act of waking and moving takes enormous energy. Not the opening my eyes part, but the actually being alive part.

I’m not depressed, not normall,y and I’m not lacking esteem or joy for the day ahead. In fact, I like my life. I love my family. And I find great happiness in the world I’ve created for myself.

Waking up isn’t hard because of what is ahead of me or what’s on my proverbial plate of opportunity. What is difficult about rising to a new day is the fact that I have to move, I have to think, and I have to make decisions.

Someone I know recently said, “Let’s face it. We won the lottery in life when considering where we live and the comforts we have.”

Those words have been ricocheting around in my brain for quite some time. I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t agree. I think the lottery of life is based on one’s mindset and on the way one handles and forms his or her thoughts. Yes, fresh water, food, shelter, clothing, and love are important, but just because one has all those basic comforts does not mean he or she is at peace. A mind can produce a living hell regardless of one’s physical comforts.

I think, more important than any outside factors in one’s life, like what exists in the physical world, are the inside factors of what exists inside the mind.

For me, peace of mind, circles back to my intelligence. I think too much and therefore I suffer.

My thoughts exhaust and cripple me.

Some days, as my husband can testify, I am immobilized for hours on the couch, because the thought of having to make one more decision is too overwhelming.

Upon awaking, right away, thoughts bombard me.

For example: What is the best way to approach my day? What is the meaning of the best? Who established the best? Why are the establishers right? When will the best approach change? What are truisms and what are lies? What is the base of reality? Who am I? Should I relax? Where is the balance between giving and taking? When am I taking too much? Am I present enough, available enough, loving enough? I need to let go. I need to relax. I need to just be. But how do I turn off my mind? What should I create? What should I do first? Should I shower? Should I move across the bed, around the bed? Straight to the bathroom? Am I too loud? Should I rest more? Did I get enough sleep? And on and on and on.

I awake to my thoughts, and my thoughts exhaust me.

I have managed to weed out most of the self-doubt and negative thoughts about myself. This is a great accomplishment. I have managed to interweave positive self-talk and positive affirmations into my day. This is helpful, indeed. I have managed to find release through creation of art and writing. This is a comfort. I have managed to understand myself in great depth. This is useful.

Yet, I have not managed to decrease my intelligence, my ideas, the bombardment of what is, what isn’t, and what is mystery to be uncovered.

And with so much going on in my head, somehow my brain has forgotten to dissect and digest the basics. Perhaps this is the executive functioning part of the frontal lobe of the brain misfiring or being disconnected at some level. As the basics, the what would seem easy aspects of thought, become lost to me. The fact that the day of the week is Tuesday slips away. The capacity to memorize times, dates, faces, places, names, and the like, simply isn’t there.

And so I have complex thoughts. I have the slipping out of common facts and knowledge, and then too, I have the classifying/organizing need. Numbers are constantly on my mind; how they add up, where they show up, what they signify, how they can be shuffled and ordered. With the numbers is previous data I’ve collected of the supposed rights and wrongs of how to be: the rights and wrongs of how to be a community member, a friend, a mother, a neighbor, a daughter, a lover, a wife, a cook, a writer, a shopper, a driver, and so on.

I have this ongoing list of how I am supposed to be alongside an ongoing voice of how no one really knows how anything or anyone is supposed to be because everything is self-created, perceived, and rejected and/or accepted.

Simple things aren’t simple. The task of buying shoes for myself can be excruciating. I have the guilt of being able to buy boots when others cannot afford them. I have the questioning of whether or not the boots are saying too much about me or too little, e.g., Does it appear I am trying to look young or am I looking foolish? Am I represented by this boot? Or is this a false projection of who I am? And who am I?

And then I am sad, as I stand there alone looking in the mirror, wondering why I can’t just see boots. Why I have to see so much more.

Today, bombarded with thoughts, I forgot the day of the week. I went to my acupuncturist and he wasn’t there. I called him and said, “I have written on the calendar that my appointment time is Tuesday at eleven. I think I might have made a mistake. I’m here and you are not. Please call me.”

He was quick to call me back, and very polite. He said, “Yes, I have you written down your appointment is at eleven on Tuesday.” Then he inserted a long pause, ample time for me to process. In response I digested his words, and soon a light-bulb of recognition went off. Yes, indeed it was not Tuesday, it was Monday. I was quick to respond then: “Oh (giggle) I thought it was Tuesday. That’s what’s wrong. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

I hung up convinced I was going senile or out of my mind. How could I know so much and think so much but not know what day of the week it is? And then the guilt, the embarrassment. Followed by the positive self-talk and forgiveness of self. Followed by the analysis of self-talk and praise. Followed by the wondering if I did the self-talk right. Followed by the thinking about thinking about thinking.

My husband told me today that I am amazing. That he is so blessed to be married to me. He praised my intelligence, my genius.

I am happy he sees me as so. But there are times, like today, I just wish it was really Tuesday.

~~~~~

monday

Day 104: Fire Ball and My BIG BRAIN

This is to give you a glimpse of what goes on in my mind. Not all the time, but enough of the time. I start thinking, and thinking, and thinking. All these thoughts below ran through my mind in the first twenty-minutes of our plane ride. I have to laugh at myself. Thanks for letting me ooze this out of my brain onto these pages. And I DO NOT expect you to read this all. Like I said, this is a sampling of MY BIG BRAIN.

Maui update: Wonderful, wonderful day. The sand feels so good on my feet. Watched the boys play in the waves. We got upgraded to a 2,000 square foot, ocean view penthouse for the first night. They had a raffle in the courtyard. About 125 people, 125 raffle tickets, and they drew five tickets. Out of the first four, three were each of my son’s tickets. What are the odds??? The force is with us.

Okay, here is my brain in high gear….don’t ask me to explain this.

The Fire Ball/Fire Mass

In the circumstance of two coming together in company, feelings arise. These feeling are both beneficial and non-beneficial. Because we choose our feelings based on illusion and limited perception, in turn, the element of choosing is either beneficial or non-beneficial.

There is no in between middle point or meeting point in considering variants of choosing. Choosing is not on a line. Choosing is neither good nor bad. Choosing is like the air. One does not look into the air and wonder what is between the air, or where air meets. Choosing is expansive, beyond human reasoning. This choosing is one of the gifts of humans. This choosing is powerful. As we choose as a collective, we generate energy into perceived reality. When the masses are choosing the same then the masses receive the same.

If choosing is not on a flat timeline and not based on evaluation or degree, and one cannot finger-point choosing, then where does choosing exist? Choosing cannot be applied a degree or numerical value, because choosing firstly carries no value, and secondly, choosing is a vast collective that cannot be pinned down at any moment. With the illusion of time, choosing does not exist. Remove the illusion of time, and choosing exists. Choosing is always, with no ending and no beginning. The masses choose continually. This choosing in time terms occurs every second, every half of a second, every hundredth of a second, and so on, into infinity. Thusly, choosing cannot be placed within the concept of time, only within the concept of infinite.

It is the collectives choosing that creates choosing. This collective choosing can be visualized as a fire ball. This fire ball moves continuously with heat and gases. The choosing moves within this ball, continually altering form and position. Our thoughts are our choosing. Thoughts move in the ball of circular continuous motion. There is no end, no beginning, no start, no completion. This fire ball fuels the reality that the collective sees. Ultimately, everything perceived through the recognized senses at this moment are fueled by the fire mass, and in turn everything perceived fuels the mass.

This fire mass is neither good nor bad, for no such named vibrations exists. The fire mass moves with what could be called beneficial and non-beneficial vibration. Non-beneficial does not imply bad, nor does beneficial imply good. Beneficial and non-beneficial are part of the fire mass; and as these two are within the mass, they are also within our choosing. Ultimately, beneficial and non-beneficial do not exist. If we were to apply bad to non-beneficial and good to beneficial then there is an instant separation, with one above the other, or one on the side of the other. These directions, of up or down, or negative or positive in degree, imply separation. Where there is separation of any form—be it word or thought—then there is an absence of unity. Unity has no opposite. Singular does not exist. Thus degrees of beneficial cannot exist.

What is beneficial and what is non-beneficial. Beneficial is vibration that expands and creates vibration that inspires growth. Thusly all things, all actions, all thought, all being is beneficial. For everything within this planet of existence inspires growth. Therefor non-beneficial grows within beneficial, just as beneficial stagnates (or ceases to create) inside non-beneficial. There is no separation of the two beneficials. Non-beneficial vibration implodes and creates vibration that inspires stagnation. Stagnation can be beneficial. Thusly, non-beneficial can be equated to beneficial. There is no opposite. They are as one, like all unity. They are part of the fire mass. We choose the words of beneficial or non-beneficial to communicate a variation in vibration, not a distinction in right or wrong.

One vibrating non-beneficial energy, which implodes and will be received as stagnant, with the inability to expand and grow, is beneficial to the one, to another one, and to the collective (fire mass). This is how: A person who is exhibiting non-beneficial energy will directly affect the fire mass. A person who is exhibiting non-beneficial energy will directly affect another person within the energy frequency. The person(s) affected will then have a choosing. The person will choose to vibrate with the non-beneficial stagnant energy or to vibrate with beneficial growth energy. There is no right or wrong. Whatever the choosing, the person(s) are learning and growing through the acceptance or transformation of non-beneficial energy. Persons who vibrate with non-beneficial energy are teachers, the same as persons who vibrate with beneficial energy. Each is a variant of the unity of love. Each is part of the fire mass.

There are lessons in every reflection viewed through the recognized senses. These lessons are a reflection within a reflection. It is vital to remember there is no bad or good. There is not good or bad energy. No good or bad reflection. Everything is a one and breathes as one. A non-beneficial reflection is a teacher, as is a beneficial reflection. Think of the one looking upon the one in the mirror. This one may choose to vibrate with beneficial energy upon viewing the reflection, or the one may choose to vibrate with non-beneficial energy upon viewing the reflection. This is the same for one looking upon another one. This one is reflection of the other one. What one sees is what the one chooses to see.

All at once we are either expanding in light or imploding away from light. This occurs outside our concept of time. Every glance into the reflection of illusion is fed back to the fire mass and then returned to the collective masses instantaneously. There is no time. Only union. This is not as a shooting star or rocket ship, where one energy is fueled down, and then another energy fueled back up. There is no up or down. Source and fire mass are within. Light is within. Thusly, the one is continually expanding and imploding. The fire mass is held by all light bearers. The unity is light bearers. All are light bearers. All are unity.

When one evaluates, judges, or analyzes another one, the one is choosing to send these thoughts directly to the one, to the other one, and to the fire mass. As in thought there exists no one.

When one believes the reality of, You make me feel, there is an instant separation. When one is able to step outside of self and practice as observer, then unity remains. With the absence and removal of the thought, You make me feel, there is a flow of transitioning from non-beneficial (stagnant) to beneficial (growing) vibration. The beneficial vibration expands the fire mass; the more one expands the illusion of reality, recognizes thought, and practices as observer, the more one expands beyond the senses, and the more the collective fire mass expands beyond the senses.

The flow of transition of thought into vibration into the fire ball (fire mass) may be observed in the following manner:

I am angry at you.

I am choosing to be angry at you.

I am choosing to be angry.

I am choosing to be.

I am choosing.

We are choosing.

We are.

In the first string of words (or string of vibrations), I am angry at you, one is choosing to be angry at another one.

In the second string of words, I am choosing to be angry at you, the one is releasing the belief of direct effect. The one is recognizing choice.

In the third string of words, I am choosing to be angry, the one is recognizing there is no distinction between one and the other one, and that all feelings stem from the fire mass. All feelings are a direct response from the vibration of the fire mass. The fire mass is held within one and held within the other, and held by the union of whole. Thusly, one feeling is not attached to only one.

In the fourth string of words, I am choosing to be, the one is recognizing the choosing and the absence of another one. The one is recognizing the absence of separation. In the absence of separation the illusion of blame does not exist.

In the fifth string of words, I am choosing, the one is releasing the sense of having to be in order to exist. In essence the one is detaching from the element of being and existing and viewing the one as choice.

In the sixth string of words, We are choosing, the one is recognizing the fire mass: that all choice Is collective. That all is a reflection.

In the seventh string of words, We are, the one (WE) has transitioned the illusion of reality, stepped beyond individuality, and is able to view the collective.

All strings of words can transition into the seventh level. Vibration at the seventh level is optimal. Those vibrating at the seventh level omit a vibration of growth, nurturing, and serenity. There is a calmness and a glow. The glow is spirit: the light of the fire ball. Thusly, the glow the one carries is the glow the unity or whole carries. Thusly, as the reflection glows as does the whole.

The seventh transition is seen in other form likewise.

I am ugly.

I am choosing ugly.

I am choosing.

I am choosing beauty.

I am beauty.

We are beauty.

We are.

Another:

That man is bothering me.

I am choosing for that man to bother me.

I am choosing bothered.

I am choosing serenity.

I am serenity.

We are serenity.

We are

Another:

I hope he likes me.

I am choosing to hope he likes me.

I am choosing likable.

I am choosing I am likeable

I am choosing we are likable.

We are likable.

We are.

Another:

What if she doesn’t think I am special?

I am choosing to fear she doesn’t think I am special.

I am choosing fear that I am not special.

I am choosing special.

I am choosing we are special.

We are special.

We are.

With practice, one can vibrate at the fourth and fifth level. The fifth and sixth level occur when one is able to accept the illusion of reality and experience the fire ball within, recognizing one is in truth WE.

There is no right or wrong in the transition of seven. One will experience the vibration of the transition as beneficial or non-beneficial. In beneficial transition, there will be a releasing of separateness and a growth of collective. In non-beneficial transition, the separateness will stagnate. Separateness cannot grow; there exists nothing beyond the wall of separateness. Once separate, in all ways separate. Once whole, in all ways whole.

The transition of non-seven will create non-beneficial vibration for the fire mass. In example, the string of words below demonstrates the stream of vibration feeding non-beneficial vibration. Again, this is not bad or good. This is stagnation which serves a purpose, as all vibrations serve a purpose.

It is vital to remember what one holds as truth for one holds for truth as all. The one who sees his one as ugly, likewise sees the other one as ugly. There is only unity, no one. The one who sees his one as ugly vibrates this into the collective fire ball, the fire ball each carries. Thusly, all ones carrying fire balls will see ugly, and the collective whole will be ugly. Ugly is an illusion. One can choose to create whatever one chooses. Choosing is the key and the power.

In reference, the following string of words reflects the non-beneficial string of non-seven transition:

I have an ugly face.

I am ugly.

You are ugly.

We are ugly.

We are.

Here the vibration vibrates as stagnant. This is non-beneficial but not bad. The one has not recognized the effect one has on the collective. This is stagnation that feeds back into the fire mass (ball). When one believes in the illusion of ugly, all are ugly. One cannot proclaim one is ugly without proclaiming that he is equally ugly.

All ugly is an illusion. All beauty is an illusion. Words are vibration. Vibration creates form and reality. The vibration of ugly is determined by the illusion of ugly. If one chooses ugly as bad, then the vibration of ugly is bad. This bad is an illusion as well, creating its own ripple of vibration.

All words carry power—but the true power is in the choice of vibration behind the illusion of the word. This choice vibrates into the collective and feeds the fire mass. This fire mass is within one and within the other. Ugly feeds the one, and so ugly feeds the other. Stagnation, or non-beneficial vibration occurs when this ugly, this word, this vibration meets the fire mass. The vibration of non-beneficial energy will feed to implode the fire mass instead of expand, decreasing the light. Again, the word is not bad, neither is the vibration. The word is an illusion, the vibration behind the word is created by choosing illusion. We are in a constant state of choosing illusion.

Day 50: The Illusion of Normal

The idea of this concept called Normal is one of the grandest illusions of our time.

There is no normal.

Normal doesn’t exist.

All definitions of normal are debatable—as are the definitions of typical, average, and ordinary.

And what’s wrong with atypical, above average, and extraordinary, anyhow?

Normal, apparently, means behaving like most behave. But who are these most? And how do they behave? Show me the model. And PLEASE don’t point to a television program.

The definition of normal is particularly alarming, and highly debatable, when considering the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), a guidebook for mental-health professionals. (Often referred to the mental-health clinician’s Bible.)

All mental-health practitioners in America categorize and diagnose millions of people by referring to the Bible of Abnormal—my word for the DSM.

No surprise that the definitions of normal changes with each publication of the DSM.

The new 5th edition of the DSM comes out in 2013, with newly proposed disorders and changes made to other disorders. It has been rumored that children tantrums will be a new disorder.

What about adult tantrums? Because I feel one coming on!

I’d like to see a Bible of Normal. I mean, if a whole thick book can list non-normalcies than shouldn’t the opposite book be available? Of course there is probably no profit to be made in a book on normal behavior, especially if the book were based on fantasy and trickery and not attached to a drug to cure normalcy.

No big surprise considering the times we live in to discover the DSM is driven by the machinations of the pharmaceutical business.

In fact, more than half of the experts who compile the DSM have ties to the pharmaceutical industry. (Published in the journal of Psychotherapy and Psychosomatics.) And other experts have other financial ties, such as research monies.

Thusly, the current idea of normalcy is a spawn of the introduction of psychoactive drugs in the 1950’s.  Hmmmm? I’m thinking I don’t particularly agree with how this normal came about. How about you?

There is a direct relationship: Psychoactive drugs were introduced to treat the DSM definitions of Mental Disorders and Illness.

A mental illness can be defined as: A psychological pattern reflected in behavior that disrupts a person’s thinking, feeling, mood, ability to relate to others and daily functioning. The illness cannot be overcome by willpower, and is not related to a person’s character or intelligence. In the majority of cases, mental illness usually strikes people in the prime of their life.

Rather ambiguous.

The pharmaceutical companies would like everyone to believe that many people have a mental illness, but that FORTUNATELY the illness is a highly treatable condition; by (buy) their drugs, of course.

Too bad the direct relationship isn’t: The Food Pyramid, Employment Opportunities, Community Support Systems, Herbal Remedies, Acupuncture, Massage, and other healthy alternatives were introduced to treat the DSM definitions of Mental Disorders and Illness.

http://www.wellsphere.com/wellpage/semi-vegetarian-food-pyramid
Image found at above web page.

You do know the powers that be in America do hope we get sick and fat so we will buy more drugs?

Beyond the tantrum I just had over the injustice of the world, I am also a wee-bit confused about the DSM’s definition of Asperger’s Syndrome. The limiting definition is based on only male subjects. I’m a girl last time I checked. The definition is not based on a great degree of research. Yet, these DSM collaborators (insert any word here you want) feel confident and comfortable enough classifying Aspergers.


In considering the definition of Aspergers Syndrome:

People are born with Aspergers.

It doesn’t just appear in the prime of one’s life.

People with Aspergers do have high intelligence.

I’m confused about this reclassification of Aspergers coming out in the new (and improved) DSM-V.  Asperger’s might be classified as a social disorder. Please!??

So the people who act like everyone else are the ones without a disorder, the so-called normal ones?

People who don’t express strong convictions are normal?

People who suppress their quirks?

People who are social conformists?

People who blindly follow the plutocracy? (government lead by the wealthy)

People who blindly follow the presumed authority figures?

If the definition of normal means to function in most areas of life successfully, what are these so-called areas? What is most? What does function mean?

Do I function, if I come across as the norm? Feel like the norm? Believe in the norm?

And please, please tell me what is success.

If we could gather  Gandhi, Mother Teresa, Martin Luther King Jr., Jesus, and other wise people, and ask them to explain their definition of success, I bet their success wouldn’t resemble most of what is portrayed in America’s normal media, advertisements, and entertainment.

I’m done following the DSM’s and pharmaceutical companies’ yellow brick road of normalcy. It leads to the man behind the current stuffing his sacs with money.

I’m happy with my own path. The path that leads to extraordinary!


Armless Piano Player YouTube

The Artist with No Eyes. Esref Armagan


 

Articles Related to The Illusion of Normal Below

Illusions of Psychiatry

What is Normal

A Comparison of DSM-IV and DSM-5 Panel Members’ Financial Associations with Industry: A Pernicious Problem Persists

Undue Pharmaceutical Influence on Psychiatric Practice: Steps That Can Reduce the Ethical Risk

Day 47: Ode to the Amazing Asperger’s Brain!

Fun Brain Musical Video  (Fun for All Ages!)

At the age of two and a half, from the backseat of the car, Joseph asked: “Who birthed God?” and “How do you know?”

Many People with Aspergers Have  a Strong Ability to:

Reason

Identify patterns

Think abstractly

Find creative solutions

Talk through problems

Adapt

 Look at old problems differently

Speak their mind irrespective of social norms and standards

Uphold an adherence to personal beliefs

Think of new ideas

Have a high focus level

Experience intrinsic reward through thought processing

 

Here’s a look inside the amazing brain of a child with Aspergers. Below are approximately 5% of the questions my thirteen-year-old son, Joseph, who has Aspergers, asked me during a week’s time. Joseph asks questions at random, seemingly from out of the blue.

This morning on a four-minute drive to school:

What if the earth was square. How would that affect gravity? Did people understand the world wasn’t flat after or before they discovered gravity? I wonder what the world would be like if we never discovered the earth was round. I probably wouldn’t even be here.

Yesterday morning, while sipping his green tea:

 I wonder how the world would have changed if we had inventions earlier? Like navigational devices for the Titanic. You never know. But then again, then Hitler would have had access to such inventions.

 Questions all in a row:

How come people are bald on their head and not on their arms? Why don’t they improve things? Like the Titanic. How come the Titanic Crashed? Why wasn’t it steal plated? Didn’t they have radar back then? What a minute. How can we be a trillion dollars in deficit? Whose job is it to make zippers? I just realized something: we need dumb people to do simple jobs. Not that all people who do simple jobs are dumb. But we need them.

A few days ago, in the car:

 If everything is digital now, are we living more in a fake reality or real reality? When you think about it we are accidentally unknowingly transferring things to different dimensions. I mean where does electricity all go? Is it in the clouds?

Fantastic Video on Genius of Autism

Quantum Physics Musical Video

Crazy Frog side note: My dog licks dishes from the dishwasher. Apparently other people’s dogs lick dishes out of dishwashers, too. Good to know!

30 Second video of dog licking dishes…Don’t ask!