Hello All.
I hope you are well during these challenging times.
I am writing to provide a few updates (2020) for anyone who happens upon this homepage.
My third blog is a bit hard to find, since I changed the domain name. Here is the direct link to Everyday Autistic. My artist’s blog is Belly of a Star.
Here is the Autistic Trait’s List.
Here is my company website Spectrum Suite LLC, which includes 100s of resources and our services page.
Here is a link to one of my Linkedin Articles that will bring you to my profile and some articles there!
My new works include much advocacy for Universal Design in the Workplace, which equates to true inclusivity, where all employees are given opportunity to the same support measures and community engagement, such as the same best-practices interviews, job coaches, support team; not just one marginalized minority, e.g., autistic individuals.
I am working on a book on empowerment on the autism spectrum.
I am my waving from afar, and wishing you so very well! I cannot believe it’s been 8 YEARS!
Feel free to connect on twitter or Facebook.
I’m on the bottom right, in the photo below, speaking at the Stanford Neurodiversity Summit. You can find out what we’ve been up to on the website. Here is a 10 hr.+ video of Day 2 at the Summit!
My book is now available around the world in paperback! Check out Barnes and Noble or Amazon.
Everyday Aspergers is an unusual and powerful exploration of one woman’s marvelously lived life. Reminiscent of the best of Anne Lamott, Everyday Aspergers jumps back and forth in time through a series of interlocking vignettes that give insight and context to her lived experience as an autistic woman. The humor and light touch is disarming, because underneath light observations and quirky moments are buried deep truths about the human experience and about her own work as an autistic woman discerning how to live her best life. From learning how to make eye contact to finding ways to communicate her needs to being a dyslexic cheerleader and a fraught mother of also-autistic son, Samantha Craft gives us a marvelous spectrum of experiences. Highly recommended for everyone to read — especially those who love people who are just a little different.”~ Ned Hayes, bestselling author of The Eagle Tree
https://www.book2look.com/book/KRksrIxTxr
Ten Traits
1) We are deep philosophical thinkers and writers; gifted in the sense of our level of thinking. Perhaps poets, professors, authors, or avid readers of nonfictional genre. I don’t believe you can have Aspergers without being highly-intelligent by mainstream standards. Perhaps that is part of the issue at hand, the extreme intelligence leading to an over-active mind and high anxiety. We see things at multiple levels, including our own place in the world and our own thinking processes. We analyze our existence, the meaning of life, the meaning of everything continually. We are serious and matter-of-fact. Nothing is taken for granted, simplified, or easy. Everything is complex.
2) We are innocent, naive, and honest. Do we lie? Yes. Do we like to lie? No. Things that are hard for us to understand: manipulation, disloyalty, vindictive behavior, and retaliation. Are we easily fooled and conned, particularly before we grow wiser to the ways of the world? Absolutely, yes. Confusion, feeling misplaced, isolated, overwhelmed, and simply plopped down on the wrong universe, are all parts of the Aspie experience. Can we learn to adapt? Yes. Is it always hard to fit in at some level? Yes. Can we out grow our character traits? No.
3) We are escape artists. We know how to escape. It’s the way we survive this place. We escape through our fixations, obsessions, over-interest in a subject, our imaginings, and even made up reality. We escape and make sense of our world through mental processing, in spoken or written form. We escape in the rhythm of words. We escape in our philosophizing. As children, we had pretend friends or animals, maybe witches or spirit friends, even extraterrestrial buddies. We escaped in our play, imitating what we’d seen on television or in walking life, taking on the role of a teacher, actress in a play, movie star. If we had friends, we were either their instructor or boss, telling them what to do, where to stand, and how to talk, or we were the “baby,” blindly following our friends wherever they went. We saw friends as “pawn” like; similar to a chess game, we moved them into the best position for us. We escaped our own identity by taking on one friend’s identity. We dressed like her, spoke like her, adapted our own self to her (or his) likes and dislikes. We became masters at imitation, without recognizing what we were doing. We escaped through music. Through the repeated lyrics or rhythm of a song–through everything that song stirred in us. We escaped into fantasies, what could be, projections, dreams, and fairy-tale-endings. We obsessed over collecting objects, maybe stickers, mystical unicorns, or books. We may have escaped through a relationship with a lover. We delve into an alternate state of mind, so we could breathe, maybe momentarily taking on another dialect, personality, or view of the world. Numbers brought ease. Counting, categorizing, organizing, rearranging. At parties, if we went, we might have escaped into a closet, the outskirts, outdoors, or at the side of our best friend. We may have escaped through substance abuse, including food, or through hiding in our homes. What did it mean to relax? To rest? To play without structure or goal? Nothing was for fun, everything had to have purpose. When we resurfaced, we became confused. What had we missed? What had we left behind? What would we cling to next?
4) We have comorbid attributes of other syndromes/disorders/conditions. We often have OCD tendencies (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder), sensory issues (with sight, sound, texture, smells, taste), generalized anxiety and/or a sense we are always unsafe or in pending danger, particularly in crowded public places. We may have been labeled with seemingly polar extremes: depressed/over-joyed, lazy/over-active, inconsiderate/over-sensitive, lacking awareness/attention to detail, low-focus/high-focus. We may have poor muscle tone, be double-jointed, and lack in our motor-skills. We may hold our pencil “incorrectly.” We may have eating disorders, food obsessions, and struggles with diet. We may have irritable bowel, Fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, and other immune-challenges. We may have sought out answers to why we seemed to see the world differently than others we knew, only to be told we were attention seekers, paranoid, hypochondriacs, or too focused on diagnoses and labels. Our personhood was challenged on the sole basis that we “knew” we were different but couldn’t prove it to the world and/or our personhood was oppressed as we attempted to be and act like someone we were not. We still question our place in the world, who we are, who we are expected to be, searching for the “rights” and “wrongs;” and then, as we grow and realize there are no true answers, that everything is theory-based and limited, we wonder where to search.
5) We learn that to fit in we have to “fake” it. Through trial and error we lost friends. We over-shared, spilling out intimate details to strangers; we raised our hand too much in class, or didn’t raise our hand at all; we had little impulse control with our speaking, monopolizing conversations and bringing the subject back to ourselves. We aren’t narcissistic and controlling–we know we are not, but we come across that way. We bring the subject back to ourselves because that is how we make sense of our world, that is how we believe we connect. We use our grasp of the world as our foundation, our way of making sense of another. We share our feelings and understandings in order to reach out. We don’t mean to sound ego-centered or over zealous. It’s all we know. We can’t change how we see the world. But we do change what we say. We hold a lot inside. A lot of what we see going on about us, a lot of what our bodies feel, what our minds conjecture. We hold so much inside, as we attempt to communicate correctly. We push back the conversational difficulties we experience, e.g., the concepts of acceptable and accurate eye contact, tone of voice, proximity of body, stance, posture–push it all back, and try to focus on what someone is saying with all the do’s and don’ts hammering in our mind. We come out of a conversation exhausted, questioning if we “acted” the socially acceptable way, wondering if we have offended, contradicted, hurt, or embarrassed others or ourselves. We learn that people aren’t as open or trusting as we are. That others hold back and filter their thoughts. We learn that our brains are different. We learn to survive means we must pretend.
6) We seek refuge at home or at a safe place. The days we know we don’t have to be anywhere, talk to anyone, answer any calls, or leave the house, are the days we take a deep breath and relax. If one person will be visiting, we perceive the visit as a threat; knowing logically the threat isn’t real, doesn’t relieve a drop of the anxiety. We have feelings of dread about even one event on the calendar. Even something as simple as a self-imposed obligation, such as leaving the house to walk the dog, can cause extreme anxiety. It’s more than going out into society; it’s all the steps that are involved in leaving–all the rules, routines, and norms. Choices can be overwhelming: what to wear, to shower or not, what to eat, what time to be back, how to organize time, how to act outside the house….all these thoughts can pop up. Sensory processing can go into overload; the shirt might be scratchy, the bra pokey, the shoes too tight. Even the steps to getting ready can seem boggled with choices–should I brush my teeth or shower first, should I finish that email, should I call her back now or when I return, should I go at all? Maybe staying home feels better, but by adulthood we know it is socially “healthier” to get out of the house, to interact, to take in fresh air, to exercise, to share. But going out doesn’t feel healthy to us, because it doesn’t feel safe. For those of us that have tried CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy), we try to tell ourselves all the “right” words, to convince ourselves our thought patterns are simply wired incorrectly, to reassure ourself we are safe…the problem then becomes this other layer of rules we should apply, that of the cognitive-behavior set of rules. So even the supposed therapeutic self-talk becomes yet another set of hoops to jump through before stepping foot out of the house. To curl up on the couch with a clean pet, a cotton blanket, a warm cup of tea, and a movie or good book may become our refuge. At least for the moment, we can stop the thoughts associated with having to make decisions and having to face the world. A simple task has simple rules.
7) We are sensitive. We are sensitive when we sleep, maybe needing a certain mattress, pillow, and earplugs, and particularly comfortable clothing. Some need long-sleaves, some short. Temperature needs to be just so. No air blowing from the heater vent, no traffic noise, no noise period. We are sensitive even in our dream state, perhaps having intense and colorful dreams, anxiety-ridden dreams, or maybe precognitive dreams. Our sensitivity might expand to being highly-intuitive of others’ feelings, which is a paradox, considering the limitations of our social communication skills. We seek out information in written or verbally spoken form, sometimes over-thinking something someone said and reliving the ways we ought to have responded. We take criticism to heart, not necessarily longing for perfection, but for the opportunity to be understood and accepted. It seems we have inferiority complexes, but with careful analysis, we don’t feel inferior, but rather unseen, unheard, and misunderstood. Definitely misunderstood. At one point or another, we question if in fact we are genetic hybrids, mutations, aliens, or displaced spirits–as we simply feel like we’ve landed on the wrong planet. We are highly susceptible to outsiders’ view points and opinions. If someone tells us this or that, we may adapt our view of life to this or that, continually in search of the “right” and “correct” way. We may jump from one religious realm to another, in search of the “right” path or may run away from aspects of religion because of all the questions that arise in theorizing. As we grow older, we understand more of how our minds work, which makes living sometimes even more difficult; because now we can step outside ourselves and see what we are doing, know how we our feeling, yet still recognize our limitations. We work hard and produce a lot in a small amount of time. When others question our works, we may become hurt, as our work we perceive as an extension of ourselves. Isn’t everything an extension of ourselves–at least our perception and illusion of reality? Sometimes we stop sharing our work in hopes of avoiding opinions, criticism, and judgment. We dislike words and events that hurt others and hurt animals. We may have collected insects, saved a fallen bird, or rescued pets. We have a huge compassion for suffering, as we have experienced deep levels of suffering. We are very sensitive to substances, such as foods, caffeine, alcohol, medications, environmental toxins, and perfumes; a little amount of one substance can have extreme effects on our emotional and/or physical state.
8) We are ourselves and we aren’t ourselves. Between imitating others and copying the ways of the world, and trying to be honest, and having no choice but to be “real,” we find ourselves trapped between pretending to be normal and showing all our cards. It’s a difficult state. Sometimes we don’t realize when we are imitating someone else or taking on their interests, or when we are suppressing our true wishes in order to avoid ridicule. We have an odd sense of self. We know we are an individual with unique traits and attributes, with uniques feelings, desires, passions, goals, and interests, but at the same time we recognize we so desperately want to fit in that we might have adapted or conformed many aspects about ourselves. Some of us might reject societal norms and expectations all together, embracing their oddities and individuality, only to find themselves extremely isolated. There is an in between place where an aspie girl can be herself and fit in, but finding that place and staying in that place takes a lot of work and processing. Some of us have a hard time recognizing facial features and memorize people by their clothes, tone of voice and hairstyle. Some of us have a hard time understanding what we physically look like. We might switch our preference in hairstyles, clothes, interests, and hobbies frequently, as we attempt to manage to keep up with our changing sense of self and our place. We can gain the ability to love ourselves, accept ourselves, and be happy with our lives, but this usually takes much inner-work and self-analysis. Part of self-acceptance comes with the recognition that everyone is unique, everyone has challenges, and everyone is struggling to find this invented norm. When we recognize there are no rules, and no guide map to life, we may be able to breathe easier, and finally explore what makes us happy.
9) Feelings and other people’s actions are confusing. Others’ feelings and our own feelings are confusing to the extent there are no set rules to feelings. We think logically, and even though we are (despite what others think) sensitive, compassionate, intuitive, and understanding, many emotions remain illogical and unpredictable. We may expect that by acting a certain way we can achieve a certain result, but in dealing with emotions, we find the intended results don’t manifest. We speak frankly and literally. In our youth, jokes go over our heads; we are the last to laugh, if we laugh at all, and sometimes ourselves the subject of the joke. We are confused when others make fun of us, ostracize us, decide they don’t want to be our friend, shun us, belittle us, trick us, and especially betray us. We may have trouble identifying feelings unless they are extremes. We might have trouble with the emotion of hate and dislike. We may hold grudges and feel pain from a situation years later, but at the same time find it easier to forgive than hold a grudge. We might feel sorry for someone who has persecuted or hurt us. Personal feelings of anger, outrage, deep love, fear, giddiness, and anticipation seem to be easier to identify than emotions of joy, satisfaction, calmness, and serenity. Sometimes situations, conversations, or events are perceived as black or white, one way or another, and the middle spectrum is overlooked or misunderstood. A small fight might signal the end of a relationship and collapse of one’s world, where a small compliment might boost us into a state of bliss.
10) We have difficulty with executive functioning. The way we process the world is different. Tasks that others take for granted, can cause us extreme hardship. Learning to drive a car, to tuck in the sheets of a bed, to even round the corner of a hallway, can be troublesome. Our spacial awareness and depth-awareness seems off. Some will never drive on a freeway, never parallel park, and/or never drive. Others will panic following directions while driving. New places offer their own set of challenges. Elevators, turning on and off faucets, unlocking doors, finding our car in a parking lot, (even our keys in our purse), and managing computers, electronic devices, or anything that requires a reasonable amount of steps, dexterity, or know-how can rouse in us a sense of panic. While we might be grand organizers, as organizing brings us a sense of comfort, the thought of repairing, fixing, or locating something causes distress. Doing the bills, cleaning the house, sorting through school papers, scheduling appointments, keeping track of times on the calendar, and preparing for a party can cause anxiety. Tasks may be avoided. Cleaning may seem insurmountable. Where to begin? How long should I do something? Is this the right way? Are all questions that might come to mind. Sometimes we step outside of ourselves and imagine a stranger entering our home, and question what they would do if they were in our shoes. We reach out to others’ rules of what is right, even in isolation, even to do the simplest of things. Sometimes we reorganize in an attempt to make things right or to make things easier. Only life doesn’t seem to get easier. Some of us are affected in the way we calculate numbers or in reading. We may have dyslexia or other learning disabilities. We may solve problems and sort out situations much differently than most others. We like to categorize in our mind and find patterns, and when ideas don’t fit, we don’t know where to put them. Putting on shoes, zipping or buttoning clothes, carrying or packing groceries, all of these actions can pose trouble. We might leave the house with mismatched socks, our shirt buttoned incorrectly, and our sweater inside out. We find the simple act of going grocery shopping hard: getting dressed, making a list, leaving the house, driving to the store, and choosing objects on the shelves is overwhelming.
EVERYDAY ASPERGERS THE BOOK WILL BE AVAILABLE IN EARLY 2016!
This list is based on workshops, videos, literature, personal accounts, and my own experience. Females with Asperger’s Syndrome present themselves very differently than males. This is not an all-encompassing list. It’s not a criteria. It’s limiting and bias-based, as it’s only my view. It is my current truth. I don’t claim to be an expert or professional….but I do know an awful lot about the subject. I hold a Masters Degree in Education, have Aspergers, one of my sons has Aspergers, and I have several graduate-level classes in counseling psychology…I guess I am sort of an expert, after all. ~ Sam Craft
Everyday Asperger's 
Fantastic and insightful post! Thank you 🙂
Thank you. I appreciate you reading it — it’s a long one.
Salutations!
So much information that is self applied it is scary. I relate to the majority of you writings in this blog. My grandson is currently being diagnosed with Autism/Aspergers. While researching his personality traits I came across the many definitions that fit myself but yet not quite. Then I found a blurb that girls and boys present differently. My life written before me. It explains so much. Now upon reading your blog I found myself continually agreeing with most of what you have explained so clearly. Thank you so much for putting this into words. Oh, and I do drive but I scare the eeebie Jeebies out of everyone that rides with me….maybe I should give it up! No way!
Thank you again for your words.
thanks for your uplifting comment. Brought a smile to my face. 🙂 ~ Sam Honk if you’re driving down the road so I can steer clear…..lol…. 🙂
i have most of the problems u listed im a male im 25 i hate this life because of it i cant fit in anywhere i go i cant even make friends in person. im not happy at all in this life
Great article, I found myself feeling empathetic pains as I read through this. Thank you for sharing and educating on the subject.
This was really interesting. I have one great-grandson diagnosed with autism; another older boy who I am positive has Asperger’s.
The mother (a granddaughter), of the younger boy showed signs of autism as a child but was never diagnosed as such. As a teen she was diagnosed as bipolar.
The mother of the older boy, also a granddaughter was also diagnosed as bipolar.
I have OCD and have always felt different. I am 70 now and saw myself in your writings.
Can this condition run in families?
I am searching for answers.
there is a support group Everyday Aspergers on Facebook for females. I wish you the very best. Thank you for commenting.
Thank you SO much for sharing!!! I am working my way through a new (unofficial) Dx and this is so helpful for me!
🙂
I have trying for a while to reply on here and am not sure i’ve gotten it right yet….but if I did I want to say thank you for your down to earth discription of what aspergers looks like in girls. Everyone always leaves out so much and sounds so much like technical jargon but you as everyone has responded seem to have looked straight into the heart of them and that’s no small thing to those who have long felt that no one would ever be able to see them for the person the they are and long to be. I hope you would allow me to print this off to show my daughters doctor so that we might begin to help her so that she can at some time discover that she need not spend her life trying to look and be like everyone else because the person she is is already fabulous!
Yes, please do. Best wishes to you and yours.
This cleared up misunderstandings of my own Aspergers. I’ve connected with you. Thank you.
I can’t thank you enough. This blog has really helped my polar – opposite fiancé understand me.
wonderful 🙂
As an Aspie woman myself I identified with…well, everything in this post.
In response to #9, what tends to be most confusing to me is when I can sense what somebody else is feeling, but their actions/behaviors don’t line up with what they’re really feeling. It’s confusing and stressful when I can sense that somebody is holding out on me, but I’m not sure if it’s appropriate to press them for what they’re really feeling, or why they’re holding back—is it something I said or did? Do they just not like me? Or is it that they don’t think I can say/do anything to help?
my theory is we tend to communicate at such an honest and open level that we don’t understand when others hold anything back at all. 🙂 Often times I have found others aren’t saying what they truly mean based on fear.
It’s as though you have stalked me my whole life and wrote about me. There was me thinking I was just weird with my philosophical questions, socially stupid, reacted irrationally to large crowds of people, had no commen sense, wasn’t very diplomatic, over thought social situations and was just very unsettled as a person… Panic is my middle name. It explains so much ! I was once a nanny and the mum was analysing the way I worked – which was in a panic, and I think she was trying to figure me out, like I wasn’t right ya know… Now it all makes sense! I feel better already…
🙂
What a fantastic piece of writing. It was so moving and really insightful, both to an outsider who wants to know more about AS, and to someone with AS, like me, who wants to read material that they can relate to. I really learned a lot about this, especially the escapism and the mimicking. I thought those traits were unique to only me, and it feels much less isolating to read this. Great work! xx
so glad you appreciated and related. My book is 700-pages long with lots more. lol Cheers
OMG, Thankyou 🙂
I am a mum of a very truobled young 13 year old daughter, reading this just sums up who my daughter is. We are under CAMHS and 10 months we are no further forward. I keep saying her severe anxiety and school refusal is because she is aspergic, she has a father and brother who are diagnosed, but they say she doesn’t fit the criteria (after 1 hour talk) to a child that has modelled herself from me!!! I will be printing this out and taking it to her physicians as I don’t think enough people are aware of the differences.
Once again thankyou,
Mum with no light at the end of the tunnel x
Thank you for commenting. I am so happy that this blog can help you and your daughter in some way. So many females aren’t being noticed who have aspergers. I would love to know how everything works out. Your daughter is fortunate to have you as her Mum. Best wishes to you. ~ Sam
I love your post! I can relate to so much of what you are saying. Thank you for helping me to understand myself!
You are most welcome 🙂
Beautifully written and explained. Thanks for taking the time to find the words to express in such detail. I’ve only just begun to consider the possibility of Asperger’s explaining much of who I am. I found your blog post searching for information on Asperger’s in women. I look forward to reading more through your blog. Blessings!
Thank you for this article. My niece has Aspergers and she lives a long way away. It is really difficult to understand from a distance. You really crystallized everything for me. You are very honest and I thank you once again for sharing!
So much of this article is so true about me and there were characteristics that are so me that I hadn’t thought would be connected to Aspergers. This article is really insightful. Thank you! 🙂
This is like reading about my inner world and way of thinking! Thank you! Now I understand why I get exhausted for no apparent reason everyday. And a lot of big questions from my life experiences got loads of logical answers 🙂
Thank you for taking the time to write. Wishing you the best. 🙂
I’m in tears reading this because I, a 48 year old female have just recently come to terms (been informed) that I have Asperger’s. I am taking my 11 year old daughter for therapy and the therapist (amazing person he is) made me realize that I am the one that has it as well and how (it hasnt been proven it’s genetic thing), but my daughter has it because of me. My life finally makes sense and reading/reseaching more on being an aspie, makes it all more clear. Why I get treated like a child a work, never promoted, friendships that end and it doesnt bother me. My marriage is falling apart and it’s because all my life I have been “expected” to be this person, a wife, mother, nurse but Im at the point where I am going to explode!! trying to be me in this world is hard. I love being alone, select friends or aquantainces, and the whole part of doing what makes me happy which is pretty much, “leave me alone”. I am finishing my bachelors of science in nursing right now and I told my husband we would get counseling but I dont even know that i want to do that. I think I say what people want to hear just to make them go away. Anyway, your post is amazing and I absoltutely take each word to heart and can appreciate what you have shared. Thank you,
Cindy
lovely. Best wishes to you 🙂 ❤
Cindy, I have written this elswhere on this sight last year. Please give this stuff consideration. For some reason, your words grabbed me a little. So, please take my notes seriosly and get to it. I have consulted with a professional about all that has happened in my household and results are coming in very positive. In addition, keep your marriage – hug your husband everynight and get back to good toughts about him.
COGNITIVE CLARITY FIRST then reprogramming can be done. I am a neuro-typical husband. My beautiful wife is an apsie with OCD. I have been able to CORRECT the main cause (this is a neurobiological issue). All of our boys have a piece of the aspie as well. The corrective measures are from the use of supplements (not meds). I did all of the research on my own and made observations for over 2 years now. It has been incredible what the benefits are with the supplements. It has basically fixed the audio processing problem that they all have and some of the over-thinking from intrusive thoughts. They now all have cognitive clarity and are able to work out daily conflicts or misunderstandings. CBT and biofeedback are now affective. And, it is a current and forward working progress. The past, in many cases, will work itself out. This has been easier with the younger boys age 17 and 20. All aspie family members are taking 2 Omega-3 and 4 Nuerolinks from Amen Clinics. They take this dosage 3 times a day and sometimes a “booster” (half dose) late afternoon. Please go to Amen Clinics website and click on the store button and read and read and read. Go get their books. Learn the functions of the brain and how aspie brain wiring tends to be different. The main benefits that my family receives is “brain food”; the omega-3 assist in the general overall health of the brain. It’s like oil for a car engine – just gotta have it, it makes the car or brain run smoothly. The Neurolinks have to roles: the first are the calming affects to areas of the brain that are overactive, it takes away the “noise” and calms it down; then, the other ingredients, amino acids, pick up the activity of the areas of the brain that lag. As one of the Amen clinic doctor’s told me “imagine a person with poor vision who then puts on a pair of prescription glasses for the first time”. Please note that the dosage stated was not taken immediately. We worked on that amount over a couple of months. However, effectiveness was immediate! And, noticeably, with each dose, it takes about 3-5 minutes to get the nutrients to the brain. The next 3-6 months bring remarkable improvements! FYI… if you are not sure what the heck this is all about then please call the clinic and pay for one of their consultants and ask questions! This may not be an answer for all of you, however, I know it works first hand!!! My statement to aspies is to simply know this: today’s science is all about the brain and we no longer just focusing on nourishing the body to be the best athlete or in good health. Also, a side note, we recently started taking one NeuroPS from Amen Clinics twice per day, more brain food. In addition, if this does not phase you or seems expensive then experiment on yourself with foods that may do the same. Example, how do you feel after eating a big piece of salmon (omega-3) and maybe avocado (tryptophan)? Also, another side note – D3 is very affective for Alzheimer’s!!! Mom is taking 3 doses per day of 2000 IU from Bluebonnet Nutrition, another great source of quality supplements. Again, a side note, most psych and medical professionals are way behind in this stuff. Please benefit from this! God Bless!
If you haven’t already, perhaps it might help to show this article to your husband. Best wishes 🙂
This is written so well. I’m 53, my son was diagnosed with ASD many years ago. Only recently have I realised that he has inherited this from me and not his dad. Somehow it is comforting to know that there are other ppl out there who understand where I’m coming from, and that it’s OK to do quadratic equations for fun and relaxation. It’s OK to be weird, my brain is just wired differently than NTs.
Oh and I can drive, although going backwards is a problem…
lol about equations lol…. I love numbers. I relax by planning things in my head. I can organize a whole house in my mind
Oh, Sam, thank you for saying that – I ‘design’ – houses, businesses, decor, equipment/inventions, processes, etc. – that’s what I DO to relax, but pretty-much all done in my head before I ever put anything on paper. Everybody else thinks I’m either idle or that it’s WORK! Silly people! It’s fun & relaxing, so orderly without any people to muck it up & make it meaninglessly complicated! Thank you for your gift to the world & us Aspiegirls. I discovered Asperger’s in an undergrad psych class at the age of 54, wrote my term paper on how it fit, am now 1/2-way thru an M.S. in Clinical Rehabilitation Counseling, just wrote another term paper on the value of the term ‘Asperger’s’ as an identity for neuro-atypicals; I expect to graduate in 2023 at age 63, then use my skills to help diagnose & guide/counsel adult women with A.S. 😊
wonderful. feel free to reach out. I am Marcelle Ciampi on LinkedIn
This feels like what I was looking for, for years and years trying to find why I am so different. I wish I had money to go to a psycologist. This is what rules my whole life? I dont want to live like this anymore. This is a curse in my head I feel like its breaking me apart. My emotions exhaust me day to day. Just want to live a normal life what did I do to deserve this. Life is cruel to me- I just feel like I want to sleep forever. I cant keep being ridiculed and push down what I feel. I have nobdy around me to even talk . Literally I have nobody but myself to deal with it.
Hey Lauren, doin your post just today. I can relate completely to your statements
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statements. Do you follow this? We could exchange more. Helen.
Lauren, idk how the mess happened in my first reply. I can completely relate to your words. Helen
Beautifully expressed, and totally relate to that 🙂 Thank you for voicing it to the “outer world” 🙂
How does one go about getting diagnosed I feel like I just found out whats wrong with me… I have all of these issues some more than others but all of them. I would appreciate any advice on getting good a professional diagnosis.
In USA find a qualified psychologist who knows more than a thing or two about Aspergers. I called around until I found one local. Best wishes
Wow Thank You for this I am a 39 year old woman who has always felt a outcast or like I was born in the wrong time and family feel like I’m weird although highly intelligent..I was prompted to do research on Aspergers after watching Jinx based on Robert First another fixation and started to see myself in the female traits the disease even though I haven’t been clinically diagnosed.. So what steps to take now..I am a recluse… I feel out of place in large groups and feel lonely
join our facebook group for friendship and guidance and feel free to message me there
I am 31 years and was just recently diagnosed. As I read your post, I could not help but feel I could relate. Thank you for putting it as it is for us. I admit as this diagnose while scary at first, (shattered my logic explanation for my odd behavior: was told I was gifted, so explained my awkward behavior socially… Bluntness, monologue…) I find it now freeing. I feel as I am not crazy, while I knew I was different since little, I now can understand why. At same time, I feel overwhelmed and frustrated if not angry that all these years I was shamed and blamed for behaviors that are normal to us: yes, we don’t do it on purpose. Thank you. Btw, I am double jointed too which I did not know was linked too. THANK YOU for describing how we (I) feel. I know now I am not crazy, different and it will take some adjustments to process and accept it. At least now I comprehend why I felt I had no idea who truly I was, kept trying to imitate others or please them as fear rejection. Thank you!!!!
you are most welcome. The blog is now a book, too.https://www.amazon.com/Everyday-Aspergers-Samantha-Craft/dp/1610058054?ie=UTF8&%2AVersion%2A=1&%2Aentries%2A=0
I almost cried reading this because it describes me perfectly and I am lost in my little world of asperger’s, disheartened because my career can never take off, friendships and relationships keep failing. But now I am aware I can keep trying to move into different realms where I can be me.
much love to you
we have a wonderful group on facebook. take care of yourself
I can relate to SO much of this.
Thanks for posting it, it is so helpful.
Love and hugs.
Lisa. xx 🙂
I’m very happy it is helpful. It helped spilling it all out into words. Isn’t it amazing what is inside of these brains of ours. So glad we’ve connected. Talk soon.
Hi! I loved reading your article. Aspergers has always been very confusing to me. I wonder if you, or any of the other women with Aspergers can give me some insight. My 15 year old has a crush on an adorable girl with Aspergers and they are going on their first “date” in a couple of days. I think they would be great together. He has a lot of friends, but not a “best friend”, he’s very outgoing, funny, and a little quirky. I haven’t met her, but I have seen her profile on facebook. It looks like she has many friends, and is very talented. Anyway, I am wondering what he should expect on their date. What if it doesn’t work out, will it be harder than an average break up? Any advice about what to expect would be great.
This is a great post. Very insightful and very in depth. Thank you for posting it, it’s wonderful to read and learn a bit more about it. I have two younger cousins with varying degrees of Aspergers and Autism, so this definitely helps me understand them a little better when I see them.
I’m glad it can help you understand a little better. It’s a detailed, long post, so I appreciate anyone who takes the time to read it. Thanks for coming by the blog again.
Wow. This is so informative and well written. I can relate to most of it so well. It’s as if you had been spying on me from inside my mind! Thanks for writing and sharing it.
Well, thank you very much! I know, isn’t it creepy. Whenever I read something an “Aspie” has written about her/his experience, I feel like they crept into my house, or my mind. You are welcome. : )
I totally agree with you – great posting
🙂 Thanks.
I now know why I am the way I am.Thank you! I’m going to try to share w/my Mom,boyfriend and FB & hope others understand.
🙂
I have just shared this post on my fb page. Love and hugs. Lisa. xx 🙂
Thank you, Lisa. That is very kind. Scoob is much worse, and I am very sad. I’ll be in contact soon.
Oh I’m sorry to hear that, I’ll keep praying for you all. 😦
I hope you don’t mind but I have just written a post and I am going to link it up with this post.
I have quoted a part of what you wrote here that really helped me to understand something about myself today.
Love and hugs.
Lisa. xx 🙂
Thank you. I don’t mind at all. But thank you for asking.
Talk soon.
Please let me know where I can find what you wrote. I didn’t see it on your main page. Thanks.
Yep…that is because I’m so very slow at editing. 🙂
I write them so fast but then have panic attacks about my spelling.
I have linked up so you should get a ping.
I will add the link here if you don’t.
Oh so familiar… well, except for the spatial perception, which I am quite good at. Then again I am often ‘like a guy’ in my interactions and skills. I have the machine fascination too. But oh so much of this was straight-up my life. The part about looking for other people’s experiences to know how or what to do….
You’re the second person who commented about not having the spatial perception challenges. I’m thinking some with ASD have dyspraxia (like me) and some do not. Thank you so much for sharing. I appreciate the connection with others.
Hello, i really like your blog…. trying my best to understand my beautiful, talented, intelligent daughter, and put myself back into those shoes!!! Yours has been the best blog i have found!!! She is 15 and
i have said to her her whole life…. If only everyone could see what i see…xxxx
Best wishes to you.
I am so overwhelmed that I am not sure how to comment other than thank you. Thank you for expressing words that I have not been able to and for helping me put words to things I have experienced, but didn’t know how to say.
Thank you for connecting. It helps me tremendously to know someone else “gets it.” I started this blog because I know it is time to put more words to “our” experience — other than the typical definitions out there, that do not go to the core of the person. It touches me that this helped you. Thanks.
My thoughts exactly.
I can’t get over how dead-on each aspect of this is. I feel printing it and handing out to every person in my life.
sorry – I feel LIKE printing it and handing IT out…
LOL – I know the feeling. There’s a few people I’d like to hand the list to, myself. If you truly need to print the list for yourself, go for it. If you want to share with others, I ask that you please put my wordpress blog address on the top of the page and my legal name; and I can private email you my real name. I’m glad you could connect. : )
When people identify with the traits, I always feel less alone, and continually surprised that other people have the same brain as me (or I have the same as them). Maybe we are all from a different planet!
Thank you for sharing I was initially reading this out of curiosity, I’ve always related to Aspergers because my son has it. I have always felt there was a genetic contributor and I was it. After reading your page I know I am. The part the struck so close to home was how I stress on any kind of change, someone coming over. I can tell you time has taken those and softened the blow a bit. Again, thank you.
I think genetics, too. Time has helped a lot. You are welcome. Thank you so much for stopping by, and for the comment. ~ Sam 😉
THANK YOU SO MUCH! I have been so confused about myself for a long time, ever since I can remember. I am a girl teenager. have always thought I was different from others, especially my age group. no one has been friends with me, but only a few. the world just has been confusing, and thanks so much for clearing it up. I am 100% relatable with these traits and I finally understand myself now. again thank you so much, and please answer back. (if you want to). 🙂 xoxoxoxoxoxo.
you are most welcome. best wishes to you. :)))
This describes me very well at all [sic], with a few differences (male, Asian, under-20):
#1 – I’m far more philosophical now than years ago, but I’m not always serious about everything. A multi-focused perspective is the best analysis.
#2 – What I find easiest to und…erstand, but hardest to deal with, is the very nature of conflict and why people who were once friends lash out against one another.
#3 – Very true for me – from my observations, males generally prefer to escape a situation and females prefer to stay in such a situation – or at least this is the result, but possibly oversimplified. Negative peer pressure is far more easy to resist than before.
#4 – I always hold my chopsticks “incorrectly”. Also have symptoms of bipolar and some number-associated OCD.
#5 – Either I thought I told too much or found it infinitely easier to share my topic areas of interest than my feelings, probably because it was hard to connect. Perhaps others filter/hold back thoughts far LESS than I do. Thus this one is less true in general now than in the past according to empirical data.
#6 – The Chinese definition for autism is literally, roughly “self-enclosing/limiting syndrome” ie. the subject locks himself inside. I’m no longer as scared of breaking the norm, so this aspect is becoming less true. Choices are hardest during a “depressive episode”. I’ve long struggled not knowing what to do first, what to do second…this is even more true for longer-term projects, causing me not to do anything at all! Yet I’ve found ways to overcome this barrier, for example doing something first that will aid communication between me and somebody else, so I can find a way to know how to get started – make sense? Being distracted often means I end up doing something else later, and my attention span varies greatly over time. Yet I find non-sensory data, ie. facts and figures easy to fit together, as in a logic puzzle that is interconnected. Being self-therapeutic sometimes helps, but I know the necessary step is actually to go beyond that, to go BEYOND being self-conscious.
#7 – This one is only very slightly true, and I’ve needed to find an internal strength to overcome these, to me, superficial distractions. I have compassion for people as well as animals; whereas previously I’d try to help, but not know how, or help in the “wrong” way, or put others before myself nowadays I’m getting used to helping people without depriving myself. The only time this comes back is during deep depression; alcohol is social, but rarely.
#8 – Especially in the past and recent past, this has actually been VERY true – being torn between two opposite extremes, sometimes even between two parents, though thankfully it never got that bad. Another example is being torn between whether to focus on my academic studies or on trying to have a social life – both of these are hindered by depressive episodes, and lack of communication associated thereof. Recently, I’ve started calling this a false dichotomy, and began to find my own way to deal with these.
#9 – Somewhat true, though I might add; other people’s feelings and MY actions are confusing. My speech is sometimes literal, sometimes flowery and poetical, sometimes drawled out in a backstreet south Texas accent, y’all. I sometimes associate my feelings with neurochemicals, for example: my melatonin is low today, my dopamine is greatly fluctuating, my cortisol is increasing, my serotonin is low, my blood pressure is off the charts. These may or may not be actually true, but I practice metacognition – thinking about thinking – whether I like it or not. Of course, I can’t be thinking about thinking about all the time, or I’d stop in my tracks, and just forget it. A small fight signifies the breaking of silent dawn.
#10 – I use to love a step-by-step approach, but things like riding a bike (not mentioned) I think rely on fine motor coordination but overall a hollistic, rather than parts-based, approach to action. That’s why it was very difficult to learn to ride a bike, but now I can ride without thinking. It’s the same with things like playing the piano; I took lessons at five, forgot how to play, but two years ago I picked back up on it and now can play blindfolded. I learn very fast, but am frequently clumsy. Certain states of mind drasticall decrease my ability to move my hands, for example fixing a small delicate thing, which at least I think I used to be very good at. I also lack common sense.
OK, that was quite a read. Perhaps I’ve overwritten myself and that was overwhelming to whoever is reading this, but understand that I’m able to detach myself from my experience, and write about myself in third-person. I’ve experienced “depersonalization”, but maybe I’ll get to that later. (I should be doing homework)See more
22 hours ago · LikeUnlike.
Thank you for posting. I think your viewpoints and experience will help other people. I’ll have to go back and reflect more on what you wrote at a later date. Heading out the door. But #6 is very interesting. Thanks again.
Hello, may I please have permission to print this and the 10 myths article for reference?
yes, please keep my web address and name: Sam Craft on material as it is copy righted and printed in a magazine
I will; thank you, and thanks for the wonderful writings! It’s all in my head, but I’m not able to articulate it as you do!
you are most welcome 🙂
I didn’t think it could get better than the original post and then this too … it’s like looking in a mirror. I’m a 27 year old woman. Damn I can’t believe this.
Thanks for sharing. This sounds just like my 11 year old daughter, Summer. Good to know she isn’t alone.
She’s not only not alone, but she’s born in a time period where more and more support and research are available. And she has the potential for a very good life with her aptitude. And she has a parent/caregiver who loves her enough to being searching on blogs. Cheers to you. And thanks for stopping by.
I just came across your website. I have thought for some time now I must have Aspergers, as well as my 9 year old son who has been diagnosed with add and with no doubt my Mother who passed away many years ago and had 8 children. I have been telling my 2 grown children for years there is something wrong with me but have been afraid to seek help not knowing whats wrong with me and being the sole custodian of my son. I live in houston, i don’t have insurance and finances for me, but my finances to care for my son is 100%. Do you know any doctor / help in Houston area who specializes in Aspergers that could help us?
I am sorry I don’t know that area 🙂 Best wishes to you
Hi Tammy – I recommend that you contact Amen Clinics and either consult with them directly or ask for a referral list in the Houston area or do both. I have had very good results with their supplements and their counseling. 1-949-266-3700. http://www.amenclinics.com. you may be quite surprised what supplements can do, however, there is a small learnig curve. You will do great. Mark
Totally spot on Lee :0) x
Short and sweet comment. Love it!
I have a daughter with Aspergers and she has a lot of sensory issues as well. As I’m reading your list, I’m finding that I have so many of these same traits. Crazy. I never even thought I had Aspergers because I’m pretty normal looking from the outside. I struggled socially in school, but I got A’s and B’s, except in Math which I got C’s in. People have told me I’m a nervous nelly because I “catastrophize” pretty much every social event I have to go to. I take an event and think what the worst case scenario will be — the worst outcome. I guess I don’t see myself as bad off as my 13 year old because she will not look anyone in the eye or initiate a conversation where I guess I have learned those things. My problem is not dealing well with conflict. Simple arguments turn into friendships that have ended. But on the outside, I look so normal. I don’t have weird ticks or any of the major sensory stuff most Aspergers have. But I also have no friends. I’m a loner and I like it that way. I would much rather be with animals than people, except cats because they make me sick. Anyway, not sure what to do with this info since I’m now 34. What good would an Asperger diagnosis be for me ;). Interesting though!
I can relate to almost everything you typed. In regards to “What good would an Asperger diagnosis be for me,” I can only speak for myself. I didn’t particularly need an official diagnosis, but just recognizing the traits, and knowing I do have Aspergers, has helped me to cope tremendously better. I’m understanding my brain, thoughts, emotions, and motivations/lack of motivations more. Thanks for stopping by, and for the comment.
Thank you for looking at my blog. I am a Mom who has a son with Autism. I respect you with very cell in my body and rely on you to help – keep blogging and informing us with what it is like to be you. Thank you so much, Wendy Frye http://www.jugglingtheastronaut.wordpress.com
Thank you, Wendy. I will try my best to keep sharing this journey. I rely on my readers equally to keep me going in many ways. You are welcome. I appreciate your kindness. Love, Sam 😉
This is ALL true for me. In list form:
– I have my own room in my dorm at college (I am here now), but it is NOT a safe space like home is.
– I once held an 8-year grudge.
– I can’t drive, ride a bike, or talk to strangers on the phone (that means I need to make my friends order pizza for me). I have severe driving anxiety due to being sent to 3 years of OT (against my will) as a girl and refusing to let my OT teach me how to ride a bike. I am still uncomfortable being around OT equipment and facilities.
– I have a writing disability and was originally sent to OT for holding my pencil “wrong”. I despised OT because there were few to no other girls there, and the boys obviously had cooties (I was around 9 at the time). Also I didn’t like being given help against my will.
– I am gifted in reading and math, except for geometry because it was too visual-spatial for me. None of the adults seemed to understand that me being good at math didn’t mean I really enjoyed it.
– I really hate hearing about animals that are put down because the shelters are too full because I can’t save them.
I always like to hear that the descriptions make sense to people. I can’t say enough how wonderful it feels to be understood and to find like-minded people. I could relate to everything you posted. Amazing how it’s ALL true for you. My son and I still hold our pencils wrong—-as if there is a “right” way. LOL. Thanks so much for your great input. Look forward to connecting again. ~ Sam
As a woman in her 60’s who was diagnosed as being on the Autistic spectrum when I was a year old, and underwent speech therapy, etc., at a now-defunct center in our area, I managed, with the help of a wonderfully stable, loving and supportive family, attain the ability to live independently,, drive a car, go places without her parents/family, and,, in general, lead a normal life. While I didn’t have the kind of social life that I would’ve wanted while growing up, nor was I ever(and am still not really) interested in becoming involved wholesale in the burning-hot, high-flown, lofty, noble causes of the day, I managed, through coming in contact with people of different backgrounds and points of view than the ones I’d been brought up with, and moving out of my parents’ house, and doing research through books and the internet on subjects that interest me, I managed to expand my interests and my horizons. Even though my problems left an impact, I’m intelligent and more than old enough to form my own opinions on things, even though they don’t necessarily and always tally up with my family’s or my friends’.
I live in a large artists’ community in a large city just outside Boston, like to go walking, biking, doing Martial Arts, and I’m the proud owner of a 5.5 year old, domestically-raised pet female Congo African Grey Parrot, who I love very much, and is very funny when she talks, making me laugh.
I have afew good friends that I meet with for dinner once or twice a month, and I like to go to movies, especially older Classic films. The film West Side Story, believe it or not, is my all time favorite film, and, even though I like to see new films, West Side Story is a film that I never, ever get tired of seeing over and over again, and make it a point to go see screenings of it every time it comes to my area, or even to a neighboring state within reasonable driving distance. I’ve admittedly made special road trips to see screenings of the film West Side Story.
I’m a silversmith and a piano tuner, and I also play the guitar and sing.
I have some strong opinions of my own, which I’ve expressed quite forcefully at times, but no cause, to me, is worth my getting arrested, jailed, beat-up, or possibly worse. What use would I be to myself or anybody else if that happened? None, as far as I’m concerned. I have to admit, however, that I’ve never much liked being inconvenienced by anything or anybody, so I’m pretty disgusted when what I have to do becomes thwarted for any reason, be they protests, construction work, or a car accident or breakdown, for example.
I do not have sympathy or empathy for stupidity, and I’m not very tolerant of it. I’ve tried going into groups with other people with serious developmental disabilities or mental illnesses, and it has never worked out for me. But one thing I realize is that the contact that I’ve had with such people have made me realize two things:
A) I do not wish to associate in any way with people I either really don’t like, or just simply can’t connect with, and I generally don’t.
B) Being alone, to me, is preferable to being around people that I don’t carte for, or can’t connect with. Many years ago, I went on a six-week summer trip to Europe with a bunch of people in their late teens to early 20’s, with severe developmental problems (most of them were either retarded, or border-line retarded), and I was considerably more advanced than they were. The campers ranged in age from 17 to 22, and the counselors were not that much older, and not that qualified to do their job, imho. So, after one summer with that group, I never went back. There’s only one thing I realized and learned: Since I was admittedly rather creeped out by many of those kids, it took me time to fully realize that the main reason that “normal” or neurotypical people often reject me is because I often (albeit inadvertently) creep them out, as well. It’s a two-way street or a no-way street, as far as I’m concerned
All of the above being said, I’ve managed to carve out a life and a niche for myself in the regular world, thanks to my family, and I’m glad of it. I’m also a home owner and a tax-payer.
thank you for sharing a part of your life; I enjoyed reading it. Wishing you the best.
Wow. You have totally nailed this as far as my teenage aspie daughter. I will be sharing with many who know here. Thank you so much!
You are very welcome. It was amazing how it all flowed out of me. I’m certain it was meant to help others. Keep in touch. Let me know how things are going. I just added a facebook community page. Thanks for the comment.
Reading your post was so enlightening to me. There are some things that hit the nail right on the head..for ME.
*I have had the feeling of disconnect many times. It’s this feeling of having an out-of-body experience.
*Too often I’ve berated myself for handling a conversation the wrong way because I (a) didn’t make enough eye contact (I have to force myself to keep that part up because I am just not comfortable with it…I feel like I’m staring.), (b) talked too much..esp about myself, the list goes on…
*As a child I was “dramatic”, clumsy, sensitive, a loner… My bedroom was a DISASTER as a teen. Somehow I was comfortable in the chaos. Even now, visual clutter makes me crazy and yet the surfaces never seem to stay clear for very long.
*My reading levels were WAY above grade level but Math posed a big problem once I enter middle/high school.
My nearly 8yo son is recently dx’d PDD-NOS w/Aspie probability and he has a previous Dx of SPD. I’m waiting for an eval on my 5yo daughter because something is “off” but I’m not sure exactly what. Someday maybe I’ll get my own eval done to finally find out what’s really been my deal all these years.
By the way did I mention I can go off on tangents? LOL Thanks so much for this post. It was really helpful. I will be passing it on to my husband and sharing on FB. 🙂
I can relate to the disconnect. Sometimes I feel like I’m inside a vehicle watching from the inside. I was sooo dramatic!!! Clumsy, for sure. I was an early reader, as well. You are welcome, for the post. I’m glad you found the words helpful. And thanks so much for stopping by. I enjoyed getting to know a little about you.
Thank you for this! I can recognise so much of myself in some of the points you have made and you have definitely made me feel so much better about what goes on inside my head! Thank you =D
You are welcome. Hearing from others makes me feel better about what goes on in my head, as well. So, thank you. : )
So many years spent lost and alone. Getting blank stares or uncomfortable laughter from other women when trying to find out if they felt like me. It’s not each of the aspects alone but a combination of them all that makes Aspie life a rite of passage. I wish I had this information when I was younger. Thank you.
Lovely comment. Can relate.
Same I’m in shock right now
Hi. I was wondering if you have insights into Aspergers and motherhood? My experience was one of complete alienation. I had my child at 36 (later than many women). There was no maternal instinct. I didn’t dislike my baby, I just felt totally ill equipped to care for her. If it hadn’t been for an innate sense of justice and responsibility, I think I would have left her with my husband, packed my bags and left right there and then. She’s older now and I would give my life for her. At the time, though, none of the maternal emotions I expected automatically happened. It was very tough. Any other Aspie moms out there who want to share?
Fantastic question. I’m going to let the inquiry fester, while I think about how Aspergers has affected my parenting, and will attempt to do a blog on the subject this week. I sometimes post questions/comments about Aspergers on some different facebook cites; I don’t know if you belong to any, but typically there is much support and understanding there. If you look on top of my blog at the pages there is an article about my early years of parenting, but not as they relate to Aspergers. Let me sit on this and see what hatches. I’ll try my best to answer soon. Thanks for the comment. ~ Sam
I didn’t feel anything for my daughter for a week or so; she was a separate person that I was meeting, and I’m not terribly comfortable with meeting people and letting them get close. But as soon as we got to know each other, she became my world and is to this day.
PHENOMENAL!! I’m the mom of a 12 y/o precious and amazing daughter with Asperger’s. This is SPOT ON!! I feel VERY fortunate to have found your site!!
I’m so glad you found this site! I am writing in hopes of understanding myself better and helping others understand their loved ones with Aspergers. Sometimes I have doubts about keeping this blog, but comments like yours keep me going forward. I will hopefully be including some more posts about parenting, too. I’m writing whatever pops in my head, at the moment, as I’m still processing my own diagnosis. As the newness of it all tapers down, I envision my posts should be more focused. I look forward to hearing more about your journey. Nice to hear the description is Spot on. Funny, how I wrote the traits list in one quick sitting, not having any idea so many people would relate. I am very thankful the list is making sense to people. And feel so blessed to be helping in someway. My son is 13 with Aspergers. ~ Sam
Thank you for your writing! You put into words what so many of my SLP children struggle to – and yet it’s so helpful to hear the insights beyond a “textbook” definition. Thank you!
~ Hillary
Thank you, Hilary. I am hoping to reach as many people working with children as possible. Your comment is a delight to read. Thank you for taking the time to read the words and make a comment. Yes, beyond the “textbook” definition. Love ~ Sam
Oh. My. Goodness. When I read this it feels like you have had a secret camera filming me since the moment of my birth. Scary.
I still can’t believe how many of us have the same exact traits in common. I here I was doubting I had Aspergers, lol. I promise, no secret camera. ~ Love, Sam
I am astounded by this. I do not have an official dx but I have “known” about my Aspergers since I started researching it after a relative was diagnosed. I have never, ever come across such an accurate description of myself, my mouth was literally open reading it. Thank you so much for this post. I’m going to use to help my partner and family get a better idea of “me”.
I thought I was alone in not being able to relate to what I look like!!!
Many thanks for your comment. I’m always happy to hear someone was able to make a connection. I hope this helps your partner and family, and you. Much love, Sam
You took the words out of my head. My son is 18 now, diagnosed at 9. I have always suspected a genetic link, but thought it was through his father (absent my son’s entire life) but now I suspect it is me. I read parts of this to my husband & he asked if it was something I wrote!
Thanks so much for helping me realize I’m not crazy…or alone!
Yay and double yay. Hugs and love 🙂
Beautifully explained Sam it was as if i was reading about my daughter( she is an aspergerian 🙂 )
I love the word “aspergerian.” Something about that is so beautiful. Your daughter is lucky to have you as her mom. Thanks for the comment. 😉
very informative….as I was just recently diagnosed AS over the past few months….and most everything you say describes me.
you say: “Females with Asperger’s Syndrome present themselves very differently than males.”
How so?
thanks! (i’ll be sure to bookmark your page here…and look forward to reading more!)
Thanks Ron. I have a son with Aspergers — so when I compare how he appears to others, to how I do (and did) appear to others, that’s where there is a huge difference in presentation. Boys (Men) are less likely to be actors, and might stick out more. Males will have habits/fixations/obsessions that might be more obvious, where girls’ (reading, poetry, writing) might not be detected as a fixation. It’s the word “presentation” that is the main difference. Males are easier to see, “catch” if you will; whereas females are more likely to try to “fix” themselves and be unnoticed. I could go on and on. But I think you probably understand. Thanks for giving me the honor of a “bookmark.” Look forward to hearing more about your journey.
~ Sam 🙂
I read this with great interest and identified with almost all of it – and I am a 62 year old male!
It makes me think that there is not a great difference in how males and females think, maybe more a question of degree?
This is a wonderful piece and deserves to be widely available to all on Aspies.
Thank you.
Thank you, kindly. I feel this prose was written to most certainly be shared; though, at the time, I did not realize so many would identify with my experience. I am so thankful to hear when others understand. I am glad that the piece resonates with males as well. Thank you very much for taking the time to read the words and commenting. I believe there is not a big difference in how males and females think, pertaining to Aspergers. Take Care ~ Sam 🙂
I am so glad that I read your post. You’ve managed to write what I’ve been saying to people for some time now. I was just trying to convey this same message to a psychologist a few days ago. Unfortunately this psychologist knows next to nothing about Asperger’s. She was trying to convince me that my ability to anylize myself or present a certain level of intelligence or even my ability to remember very early events from my childhood is what she considers non-aspie like. The fact that I have friends or can hold down a job was surprising to her. She had the nerve to tell me that Aspies were not able to maintain relationships for long periods of time and that we could not possibly get good jobs and maintain them. I am outraged by how ignorant she and the rest of these professionals are. Let me stop myself before this turn into a major rant.
Reading your post today was a confirmation for me that once again “I am not crazy” and neither are the rest of us. I am fully aware of myself and how my surroundings effect me and that’s a good thing. Thank you so much for sharing yourself with us and helping us to see ourselves better. It feels so good to be in the presence of like minds:-)
Your comment is going to make me cry! It’s the same story over and over again with people being overlooked and/or questioned for their self-observations and concerns. I am so sorry you had to go through that. You are very welcome. Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I hope that women with Aspergers (and men) can establish a stronger, united voice. I am tired of living in private suffering and hearing about how so many others are suffering in isolation. I, too, am outraged for you, and could have easily listened to you write more. I hope we can keep in touch. Things will change, when enough of us demand to be seen and heard. Much love and hope ~ Sam 🙂 (I have an Aspergers group on Facebook. Let me know if you want the link.)
Thank you so much, Sam for your heartfelt words and compassion. My eyes welled up as I read your comment. I did not know it was this bad out there. It is absolutely horrible what these drs. are taking so many of us through. My hope is that I may endure this situation so I may have the opportunity to teach these drs a little something. At least for now I know I have their attention. It’s time they step out of the box into the real aspie world. It’s time they know that we are not bound by a dx and certainly not by the dsm criteria.
I would love to stay in touch and join your fb group. Please send me the link. If you would like to know more, please visit my new blog. I’m not the best writer by far, but I am trying to share my story. I have not written in awhile. Right now, I’m dealing with these drs. while feeling a push to talk more about my past, which is difficult at best. Trying to figure out how to manage all of this and beable to find a way to put it all in writing. Thank goodness for my son, also on the spectrum. He’s been a huge help and an inspiration.
http://www.facebook.com/groups/261412237267413/
Its called: Everyday Aspergers.
It’s under groups.Login to Facebook first. Copy and paste this link. Look forward to seeing you there. It is a small wonderful group of people. I will take a look at your blog. Please post a link of the blog on the Facebook page. Feel free also to friend “Sam Craft” when you are at the group page. She’s my blogging identity. 😉
I feel the same way about my son. Hugs to you. Great to connect.
Yes, please send link!
So true…. Every damn word…. Beautifully written, thank you for this. I will share this with everyone who just doesn’t understand me. This describes me completely.
🙂 Big Smile sent your way.
Thanks for commenting on my blog; I’m enjoying reading the wealth of posts you have here!
This post is really well written. Every one of these points describes me so well, except that I am male. Was I born with a female Aspie’s temperament, for reasons unknown? It puzzles me.
I definitely feel the tension between fitting in and being myself, the oversensitivity to others’ feelings, the over-scrupulous honesty, the desire to escape and hide at home. Your post expresses all these things really well.
You are welcome. Under comments, on this post, you can find that other males have expressed that the list describes some of their experiences. Thank you for reading and commenting. I hope the post helped in some way. ~ Sam 🙂
HI, Samantha.
This is wonderful. I have two sons with Aspergers and after reading this I am beginning to wonder about my daughter. (And even me to an extent, I had a hard time most of my life with female relationships and have found men easier to get on with. I always felt ‘outside’ a group of females, and didn’t get the dynamics of the group at all.) My daughter has had a very hard time and is now out of school after bullying and, I am very sad to say, self- harming. She is under counseling and it is a very slow process. I think I will talk to her psychiatrist about this. Anyway! Enough of me rambling on, I shared on facebook and this is what I said, i hope it is okay. I try not to preach but I do like to share important links, and then I always say a bit about A S D.
“This is so interesting and educational, inspiring and well written. i never really knew anything much about females with Asperger’s before this, just boys and teen males. I know all of us could have some of these traits, or a little touch of all them, but if you live with all or most of this at a high level it is far more difficult than what most of us go through with social relationships, general functioning day to day, etc. Asperger’s is a disability but that doesn’t mean we need to change the person, it means we need to widen our acceptance and understanding, educate and just consider that ‘weird’ girl with the ‘eccentricities’ might just be autistic. Auties are not all like Rainman! It is up to the NTs (Neuro Typicals) to make it so it is no longer disabling to be wired in your brain this way, if you understand! this is not directed at anyone, just chatting! WIRED not WEIRD!”
I find it hard to explain about how it is disabling but it is not a ‘mistake’ or ‘error’ or something that needs to be fixed, but I never know if I get it right! I hope your link helps some of my friends understand just that little bit more. I am now following this blog and I look forward to reading more.
Kelly
Hi Kelly,
I am glad that we are in touch and to know a little about your story. Two boys with Aspergers, a girl with her own challenges (perhaps Aspie), and you having some (or many) traits—wow, that’s a lot. I applaud you for researching and trying to understand the syndrome more. I hope and pray you will be able to help your daughter more and more. I can’t imagine the pain you must feel in seeing your daughter hurt herself. I am so sorry.
I know, for me, writing helps so very much. I couldn’t journal very well. I would get bored, and found the process a waste of time. But making the writing a form of expression/art has helped me better than anything else I have found.
I wonder if your daughter would like art therapy or art expression? Also, I take Gabba to calm my thoughts and sometimes melatonin; and many people with Aspergers do. I have seen on various chat rooms that anti-depressants (particularly Prozac) can make thoughts more rapid. I’m telling you all this so that you might research further.
* I am not in the medical field and this isn’t advice. Please always contact a professional.*
🙂 With that said, there are many groups on Facebook where you can pose a question and other people will write about their experience. I hope I didn’t overstep, but felt drawn to help in someway. If you want me to delete any of this, let me know. So happy you are following the blog, and look forward to hearing how things are going. Your quote, that you posted on your Facebook page is fabulous! I hope people will realize your challenges and you will feel more understood. It brings me joy to know something I wrote can help others.
Thank you for sharing the link. ~ Much love, Sam 🙂
Hi Sam,
Your reply is absolutely fine, no deleting needed! Very caring and thoughtful, thank you 🙂 I have to add something, just so you know the full picture, (I don’t often talk about this as I want to be just ‘me’ but sometimes, if I feel it is important, I will share it) I am also disabled with a chronic neurological condition called RSD, so I happen to take gaba for that. And we think hubby is Aspie too! We just had a chat and I explained some of this and we have figured why, when something happens which is upsetting to one of us, we argue sometimes. I want to delve in and take it to pieces, look at every angle and explain every little feeling, he wants to walk away and be quiet. Then we giggled because i could NOT stop talking about it all, he said I do that a lot, like a lecture, I said well okay, sometimes you let me do it and sometimes I will just go and write it all down or something. And we discussed the other part and thought maybe if we feel an argument coming, I can have say 15 minutes to talk, then a quiet time then we talk again. These changes are thanks to your blog! So you deserve a big ‘Well Done”!
You know, it sounds all doom and gloom, but it isn’t! All this has made for three very compassionate, mature, caring children. they are truly wonderful.
It is quite fitting what you said about using art as expression, for our daughter, although in her case it is music. She is a gifted guitarist and song writer. We had no idea until we bought a guitar last Easter. 7 weeks later, she had a song on you tube about the bullying. She just learned by ear, absolutely natural talent. Now she is recording an EP with a promo agent who saw her video and loved her! She also is a gifted artist and a wonderful writer, but she keeps much of her writing to herself. I will ask her later if I can link to her song. It has been and is very painful indeed, seeing what she has gone through. Thank you for what you said, those kind words there, it does help me when someone says something so thoughtful.
My eldest has had melatonin off and on his whole life. It has now been withdrawn totally here in the UK. Luckily I have some in date left over, it does help him sleep. No one can tell me why it has been withdrawn!
i have a feeling we will talk more, Sam 🙂 Please tell me if I go on too long though! I do ramble on sometimes.
Wishes for a happy day to you all 🙂
Kelly
🙂 Thank you. Talk as much as you want. There is a facebook link atop the page where we can “talk” in more private, if you wish. Thank you for giving me a larger picture of your family. A joy to read. A pleasure to know you. Sounds like me and my hubby! Congrats to your talented daughter. ~ Sam 🙂
Hi everyone,
This is very cool, I have had 4 people share this link today so your information is getting around! One of those people rarely does anything on facebook, only very special things get him sharing or commenting! Well done, Sam, word is getting around everywhere!
kelly
Cool Beans! Thanks for letting me know that Kelly. I am so happy I wrote the list. I did it for myself, not knowing it would help others. I see today it’s floating around Ireland. Amazing, technology is! Glad to be able to help others. That’s my reason for living. Thanks so much. 🙂 ~ Sam
This did help me understand more about my 27 year old daughter with aspergers. She is in college now but only wants to take history because that is what is interesting to her. You can not reason with her about anything. She gets so upset , and then she is just mean to everyone. She wants to learn to play something musical, will this help her stay more calm? She is now doing the deep breathing but does not seem to help her. I just want to understand her more when she reaches this boiling fit throwing point.
Hi Betty, I don’t know your daughter, so I cannot say if musical instruments will help her. It would depend on many factors, such as, how easily she can learn to read the music, how easily she can learn the instrument, her motivation-level, her teacher, and her passion. For me, writing calms me, and silence with alone time; also movies at home. Deep breathing doesn’t generally help me. I go to massage, acupuncture, and use other techniques and supplements/vitamins. I admire you for searching for answers and researching. Good luck on your journey. ~ Sam 🙂
Your comment troubles me. Is there some reason that your daughter is wrong to take classes which are interesting to her? It’s one thing if she’s missing classes that she needs in order to obtain her degree, but you can’t fit a round peg into a square hole. If you’re worried about how she will make a living, maybe you could google around and find some history buffs and see how some of them manage, or have her speak with a career advisor, or anything really–don’t just assume she’s doomed. Being able to think outside the box is what enables people to succeed in life, and if you’re better at that than she is, you could be a huge help to her. If you couch it in terms of “this is how you can take your interest and make a living with it”, in a non-judgmental way, maybe she’ll be more inclined to listen. It’ll be weird if she is one of those Aspies who doesn’t like to have too many choices, but maybe you could tackle one or two possibilities at a time together. I dunno, anything’s got to work better than digging in the heels.
Hey there. Not sure what you are talking about. Maybe you are responding to someone else. I am a 43 year old adult with Aspergers.
This is pure brilliance, I appreciate your input and work, my daughters world makes so much more sense after reading this, and whilst she is different to her brothers level of autism, she is differently different is exactly these ways.
Well, thank you. I love your “differently different.” Glad you found the list. I wish you the best. 🙂 Sam
This is beautifully done! Very clear, very concise and gives a good description of many of the possible traits. I see my ASD partner in so much of what you have written, though, like others have mentioned, she’s actually got super-good hand-eye coordination and mechanical skills, almost uncannily so. All these traits were things we knew about her long before her diagnosis (at age 50) and I thank you for putting this out there. Hopefully it will help many younger women with ASD become more comfortable and familiar with their particular characteristics, knowing that they are shared with many others!
You are very welcome. I hope this post will help others, too. Thank you for your comment and sharing a small part of your story. 🙂 Sam
Wow, this describes my 11 yr old Aspie daughter perfectly, and I am grateful I can print this to show her. She is having a tremendously hard time lately, and there seem to be no Aspie girls for her to relate to in our area. She has no friends, which I can’t understand as she is a really interesting person! She likes to knit, meditate, compose piano and violin music, perform in theater groups, etc. I love her so much and want her to be happy. Thank you for this.
My son is 13 with Aspergers and he is brilliant. Your daughter sounds very talented and interesting. She is blessed to have a supportive mom. I too hope she finds friends. I’m glad you found some help in the list of traits. I wrote it for myself, and had no idea so many would relate. Thank you for the comment and for stopping by. You are very welcome. Wishing you and your daughter much happiness. Feel free to join our facebook group. The link is at the top of the blog.
All I can say is…. * * * * * wow * * * * * I feel sure that I’ve found the missing component of so much of who I am, who I’ve been, and what has greatly affected the at times harrowing journey I’ve taken. I have led a primarily uncomfortable life, and I’ve struggled to achieve those things that seem so easy for some, and so out-of-my-reach: acquiring a spouse, making a secure living, and relaxing into each day as it comes.
Most everything you discuss in your post is a bulls–eye into my heart; one exception would be my mechanical and spatial relations abilities. In fine motor control and 3D imagination I’ve excelled; however I’ve always been incredibly clumsy–just yesterday, after successfully teaching a guitar lesson, I stood up from my seat and managed to stick the headstock of my guitar into a revolving ceiling fan (it happens so frequently that there are chop marks on the guitar neck!). Another exception may be that I’ve had huge separation anxiety all my life ~ and perhaps that’s not much of an Asperger’s symptom. I think I’ve mimicked too well the behaviors of those to whom I’m attached, to the point that I felt I truly lost (or couldn’t value) my true nature, and perhaps that helps to explain my separation anxiety, I’m not sure.
I’ve always struggled to make a living, and it’s been mostly art and music, and the teaching of these, that have–barely–supported me. Everything about getting and working a job demands a painful decision, including what I must wear, and especially how much interaction with others will be necessary. I change my clothes sometimes 5 times a day when I need to go out, and this causes perpetual lateness, which escalates the anxiety. I procrastinate for days about making simple phone calls, and never answer it when it rings, much preferring to listen to messages and then call back. I am happiest being self-employed, as I am now. I do best with people one-on-one; any more, and I’m completely overwhelmed.
Attending school for me as a child was so difficult that my body rebelled and I had acute intestinal distress most mornings. That continues to be my body’s way of drawing a boundary for me when I’m unable to consciously judge a situation or person (my body also attacks me with migraines, I believe, for the same reason). I had very few friends as a child, and although I actively search still, and do that thing of asking potential friends if they’d like to do lunch together, it’s still very difficult to find someone that really wants me as I am. Most of my long-time women friends want to fix my idiosyncratic ways. I do that pretending thing so well, I secretly call myself Chameleon Woman. I’ve worked hard to stay attached to a church so as to have a sense of belonging to a community, however, I can never seem to face the crowd that shows up Sunday mornings, and when I’m there it’s definitely that sense of being a fishbowl staring out at the giants, and wondering at their lives. Invariably I duck out early, nearly running through the lot to my car, and despite my chronic loneliness, the acute pain of trying to fit into that (or any) crowd makes me flee every time.
It seems from reading this article and the many excellent posts here that it’s not uncommon for a female Aspie to find that special mate and settle down. How I envy you! I have other elements that have affected my ability to choose wisely, including childhood violent sexual abuse, the fact that I’m a daughter of an alcoholic (my dad), and ADD. Even so, those that know me well roll their eyes at the various nincompoops I’ve grabbed onto and married, and the line I’ve heard the most was, “You’re way smarter than that!” Even my adult son has pointed this out to me. It’s difficult to explain that choosing a spouse for me could not be resolved by intelligence. When I dig deep into my soul, when I review and recall having made those choices of husbands, I’ve continued to draw a huge blank as to how in the world I believed on each wedding day that it would or could actually work.
I’ve been single now for several years and it’s been actually a wonderful, challenging, and at times scary time of truly getting to know myself. I’ve become an avid archaeologist digging through my own midden pile, and continue to find fragments of my truth each time I sift. Self employment for me means I have limited access to healthcare, and I’ve seldom been able to afford to see mental health people. Hence I am forever Gretel searching for the breadcrumb trail that would lead me back home to a place of self-awareness, self-acceptance, and self-love.
I’m a closet writer who is preparing to put my stuff out there; I’ve been working for years on trying to put into words the story of my life. It’s been messy, including withstanding abuse from spouses, and a trail of 5 divorces. Some family members openly mock the joke of my life, and I want to speak up so that others like me will not feel so alone. I’ve not finished writing it because I realized I was waiting for a deeper understanding, needing to yet discover the missing link.
And here you are, and I believe I have discovered my Aspie Sisters. I became very aware of Asperger’s Syndrome as well as the Autism Spectrum because my seven year old grandson has been tested, and his diagnosis is high-functioning autistic. He’s my perfect fella, and he has excellent parents and teachers, and we wouldn’t want to ever change one speck of him! I’ve focused mostly on the descriptions for males just because he’s a boy, and in doing so, I missed for a long time the posts, blogs, descriptions and explanations of how female Aspies are. And then only recently did I begin to read these, contemplate them, and draw some new conclusions.
I apologize for the length of this post. If you’ve read through it, I thank you. I am interested in your reflections, comments and opinions. Thank you for being here! Thanks for boldly stating your truths. Today I don’t feel alone at all. Today I feel embraced.
Annie ~ Thank you for sharing your beautiful story. You are a gifted writer. I can relate to most of what you have written. I have anxiety (Generalized Anxiety Disorder) and had extreme separation anxiety before I was married. Your story about the fan and guitar made me smile. It is very common for people with Aspergers to struggle to make a living and hold down a job. I procrastinate for weeks about simple phone calls and avoid the phone. I’m not late, only because I obsess about time, and promised myself as a child never to be late. I had the opposite problem: being early to everything my whole life. Never once late until I let up, breathed, and allowed myself to be 5 minutes late a few years ago. I am happiest at home not working in public. I’ve had intestinal distress since birth. Magnesium has helped. Stress-induced most definitely. I’ve called myself a chameleon many times. Same feelings around church, as you.
Many women with Aspergers do not find a beneficial mate, or it takes a lot of work. I turned finding a husband into a project. I read obsessively about relationships, made lists, made dream boards, and put a personal advertisement out before people even knew what those were. Then I interviewed men. I’ll have to write a post about that sometime. I went through my fair share of trolls! Believe me. And my husband is not perfect. None of us are. I actually had mom’s of my boyfriends say: Why are you with my son? You can do so much better! lol
You are on the right path. We each find our way to self-acceptance in our own time, no time is right or wrong, and all is exactly as it should be. Trust in that. Releasing shame and forgiving yourself and others is beneficial. I went through three to four years of writing to find self-love. You will find your way too.
My thought would be to write out the anger, fear, and pain, and then share the love, growth, and wisdom to others.
You have discovered your Aspie Sisters. Please consider joining our facebook page. If you try, and I don’t add you, friend me. I have to be able to see people’s facebook pages in detail before adding someone, as we’ve had challenges with unkind statements in the past.
I am happy for your grandson; he sounds like he is in good hands. No need to apologize. I am so thankful that you shared and that you feel less alone. You are embraced and accepted as you in completeness.
Bless you ~ Sam
thank you !! I’ve requested to join your Facebook page, and looking forward to it!
🙂
Hello, I’m not sure what to say, I’ll probably just ramble but I’ll try not to say too much! I read this and its me, there are a few exceptions but they are replaced with ‘other things’ I have good spacial awareness, I’m an artist I’m good at making & being super precise but yet I can be super clumsy but its often because I can live in my head so I bump into things and fall. I’m the mother of an 11 year daughter who is autistic, I was telling doctors from the age of 3 she was autistic, they weren’t having any of it as she was ‘too smiley and sociable’ then when she was 4 they turned round and said ‘actually you are right she is autistic!’ So my sister who is a little younger than me and has had ‘issues’ since she was 10 has been told she does not have aspeger because she only has 2 of the traits she is too good at ‘reading’ people and can read facial expressions, even though she can only do ‘social stuff’ for small spurts as it wears her out. So instead she has not on but 2 super rare personality disorders. When I my sister did the aspergers questionnaire for the doctor I did it too, just for laughs and kind of scored higher than my sister. I find myself in a position where over the past few years since I left university I feel like I’m going mad I’m under my doctor who can clearly see something is up I’m labelled as ‘depressed’ but its more complex. I’m being referred for an adult ADHD assessment, I’m dyslexic although I came top of my class. After reading this I wonder whether I should ask about it at the assessment? you might think ‘oh why not?’ well because its the same shrink my sister saw who was very dismissive and I know I will be dismissed I don’t fit into what people think is aspergers and I have reached a point in my life where I express who I really am without really caring what others think I can get away with it quite nicely because I’m an ‘artist’ although lots of artists these days seem to conform & be very conservative so I even stand out there. Anyway the piece you wrote is brilliant I love it and so identify, I often feel isolated and alone and not accepted and I’m always looking for people I can connect with and who understand. I think I have rambled enough in an incoherent manner possibly shared too much but I often just say how I feel and am very honest its so much more interesting and meaningful than talking about the weather! would I be allowed to join your group?
Thank you for this sharing of your journey. Yes, please join our group. It’s a wonderful group of people. It’s very common for females to be overlooked by professionals. I hope your sister finds the answers she is searching for. I’m glad you were able to identify your daughter; that is fortunate that you were aware of the traits. Keep in touch. Thanks for stopping by. 🙂 Sam
Hi there, Im Marsha and im a mom from The Netherlands.. Wow.. really weird reading this tbh.. always knew somehow i was different.. or more that the rest of the world was somewhat weird or nuts in my eyes lol.. now recently my son got diagnosed with asperger and im reading more and more and its all so familiar.. Even things i havent read on any dutch site or whatever i read here and its just all about me 😉 or so it seems.. anyways.. maybe its time i get myself tested officially as well.. lots of people tell me i should but tbh ive spend 33 years trying to learn to live with myself.. guess by now i know what im like ;).. am trying to figure out atm if it would add something usefull to know officially.. but well.. still very interesting to read this..
Nice to hear about where you are at in the world and about your journey. I love to read about others’ experiences in life and with Aspergers. In America there are not many places to find information in detail on females with Aspergers. That’s one of the reasons I created this blog. So glad you found your way here. I’m still trying to figure out what I’m like, and so is my husband. lol 🙂 Smiles ~ Sam
lol .. well my hb says he finally begins to understand me a little after learning bout our son .. so guess thats a good thing.. allthough he still is convinced he is ‘in love with an alien’ as he sometimes describes it lol.. anyways.. its not much better here tbh.. with boys its not that hard to get the diagnose but when ur female its a lot harder.. been diagnosed with all sorts of things but never heard of asperger till i started noticing my son wasnt like other kids.. Been doing a lot of reading since and actually sort of selfdiagnosed him before the therapist did ;).. At least im glad he now gets the attention he needs specially in school.. he was bored to death there.. we first tried to get him into a thing they call leonardo education but he needs to score really high on his iqtest for that.. unfortunately he has such set ideas of whats expected when asked a question theres no way on earth he is ever gonna read it like its meant.. and the person who tested him said she is sure he is smart enough but she is not allowed to explain whats expected in a certain question .. well wont bore you with the long version of that.. we now have a nice solution for the time being at his regular school.. he is only 7 but i know what it means to not fit in and to be bored at school and not finish it cause you simply never learned to learn.. so im trying my very best to save him from that.. he has at least the advantage of havin a mom who understands him better then the rest of the world ;).. Concerning myself.. as said.. after 33 years on this planet i sort of know how i work and my hubby just got used to my i guess 😉 .. Now we are on for the next battle.. 😉 my middle son is 4 and we notice more and more things that arent ‘average’ in him.. but ill wait a few years to get him tested.. dont like the idea of testing just to be able to put a lable on my kid.. soon as i really see any use in it (cause of trouble at school or whatever) then we will worry bout that.. for now its about bedtime for me but im not nearly done reading everything on here so ill be back soon 😉 .. thanks for taking the time to put this all together..
I relate to so much of this.
Thank you for writing it, it is so helpful.
You are welcome. 🙂
I was just visiting your site for the first time, and I must say I really enjoyed the experience and have been enlightened by it. Great job, and I will pass it along on my Facebook page, if you don’t mind! I’m Aaron from A.S.P.I.E., by the way. Thank you for sharing on my page, and I want to apologize for taking so long. I was taking a hiatus for a while, due to school and personal tragedy, etc. Once again, I thank you for letting me visit; it’s been a pleasure! ~Aaron~
Hi Aaron ~ Thank you for the visit. Share away. I am sorry to hear about your personal tragedy. My heart goes out to you. Take Care ~ Sam 🙂
Much of what you says fits my daughter to a tee! She refuses to take driver’s training, okay with us, (school doesn’t get it) and she is often very misunderstood by family members who think she is upset or angry when she is just quiet and reserved.
Good post.
Thank you for your comment. It is very helpful to hear that the list reflects others’ experiences. I didn’t drive until 18. I never even thought about it. I panicked the first 2 years driving. Now, it’s easy as pie. Though, I don’t think pies are easy to make! lol 🙂 Much love, Sam
I read this post a few weeks back not long after my six-year-old daughter was diagnosed ASD. I shared it with my husband, because all of the sudden my forty-four years of life started to make sense to me. All of the moments when I felt as if only me and the person in my head understood life, became so much clearer. The “fog” of being treated differently, feeling as if something is not quite right with me made so much more sense after reading this. Now, I am not saying that I am Aspeergers, though my husband has determined that this is why I get P.E.A.S. (pre-even anxiety syndrome – my husband’s own label that he created for my anxieties at times :0) ), it is wonderful to know that I have not fbeen crazy all of these years! Perhaps that is why I am drawn back to this certain post, it gives me comfort to know that I am “normal”, at least according to a few other women who share these traits with me :0)
You describe exactly how I felt when my therapist confirmed I have Aspergers. I am still having daily AH-HA moments. Like today, ah-ha, that’s why I am so nervous buying in bulk at the Co Op, because I get nervous using the twist ties and worry about writing the numbers wrong, or using the bin spoon incorrectly. I’m glad that this post can give you a sense of comfort. Hearing from readers, like you, gives me comfort. 🙂 Sam
Oh, and I love your husband’s word for the anxiety. 😉
I absolutely love this post, thank you so much for writing it! I just posted it on fb because I feel that asperger’s in girls/women has received far too little recognition yet and is hardly understood at all by the general public. I’ve been fascinated by autism ever since I read my first book about it as a teenager but it only started to dawn on my recently that the reason for that might be that I am actually an aspie myself – something I only realised through meeting a friend who is aspie and fairly recently diagnosed herself, we felt an instant connection with each other and ever since she first got to know me better she has had the opinion that I am definitely an undiagnosed aspie myself. Anyway, I don’t want to bore you with my story but just wanted to let you know how much your post spoke to me and how I pretty much sat in front of my laptop nodding away to everything you said in it! 🙂
Thank you for sharing some of your story, and letting me know you were nodding. Much appreciated. 😉 Sam
I was crying by the time I got to number 4. Since reading the book “Look Me in the Eye” by John Elder Robison I have suspected I was an aspie. I am a 45 year old female with 2 teenage sons. I am currently seeking a dianosis for my own personal satisfaction and so that I can get help with blaming myself and being so hard on myself for my misteps in life – esp. in the social aspects of life. Those are the most difficult for me. This blog is the most spot on description of life as I know it that I have read so far. Just about everything listed I could deeply relate to except for being challenged by computers or gadets – that is where I am gifted. I am sending the link to my doctors to say – see this is me!!! I would like to print it out for my personal use too. Thank you, I am looking forward to readin more! Just found you today!
You are very welcome. Thank you for reading and posting a bit about your life. Good luck with everything. 🙂 Sam
all my life i have felt, known, that i am different, but never understood why. i lost my job recently -as i have lost many others- for one simple reason: people don’t get me and think i’m strange and in a bad mood because i “don’t smile enough”. it always seemed a stupid reason to fire someone, and i am always puzzled by the difference in what others see in me and who i know i am. today of all days i was feeling particularly lost. then i came across this post and it all made sense.
There isn’t one single thing, not one, that you wrote that i can say “no, that’s not me”. It is ALL me, all of it. and it’s terrifying and a huge relief at the same time.
I am a bit of a mess right now and i think i have a lot to absorb and think about to know what i should do now that i might have found the answer i looked for for 36 years.
Thank you for writing this. Thank you so much.
Thank you for letting me know your experience. Please know you are not alone. You are very, very welcome. Take care, Sam 🙂
I always read how aspergers is different for girls, but with no further info on how, both of my siblings have aspergers, as does my boyfriend, I always wondered if I did too… I think I might I have always felt like I am faking everything, but I am an excellent reader of people and I know that males can’t interpret social cues, where I seem to be the opposite
I am an excellent reader of social cues, now. I trained myself. Girls do often (with ASD) train themselves to read social cues to avoid humiliation. I hope you find some answers. Thank you for commenting.
I’m astonished. I just learned what AS really is yesterday. In a teacher conference yesterday, my sister was told that her daughter’s teachers believe her 3 year old has autism/asperger’s. While she was shocked, I immediately understood the symptoms they based this opinion on and could relate to my little niece. I began researching, and saw both her and myself in what I read, so much so that it brought me to tears – of relief. And when I finished reading your post above, it felt like finding a key I’ve looked 33 years for. Your post is almost verbatim my experience.
My goal today is to find a therapist that can help me develop more understanding, and to evaluate my niece. I’m struggling in my marriage, as a mother of a 3 and 5 year old, and my job as an art director in a large advertising firm. Each time I am promoted, I find my job more difficult and I’m having more and more trouble accepting creative criticism regarding my work, as my projects are bigger now. At home, I shut down when my kids get too rowdy, we never have the tv on or music, because multiple sounds send me into a panic. On the positive side, I enjoy reading to them and creating planned art projects, but the chatter and playfulness of children sometimes makes me crazy when it shouldn’t. Now I know why. I love my husband and he is an amazing hands on dad, but I know I over process every single thing he does and I’m creating problems for us – when in reality he is what holds us together.
My apologies, I’m extremely long winded with a keyboard. Let me close with thanking you for this post. Reading a personal account broken down into facets helped me relate much more than a medical text. I look forward to exploring this world and hopefully making my life better by accepting myself and learning new skills. Knowing the “why” will help me so so much.
Bookmarking this blog. Thanks again.
Thank you for sharing a part of your journey. I am smiling that you found your way here. I understand, to some degree, what you are going through, as do many women. It helps me to read your words and to validate my world. Thank you very, very much for your openness and honesty. I’m picturing myself holding your hand through this journey! Much love and light ~ Sam 🙂
Brilliant post! I can relate to almost everything! I’ve only been on this Aspergers adventure for a short while, and I am having ‘Aha’ moments every single day. The pieces of the puzzle that my life was until I got diagnosed, are now all falling into the right places. It is so wonderful to know, after thinking all my life that I was a weird freaky loner, that there are heaps of people just like me!
My therapist asked me years ago, when I was complaining about my life being so different from that of other people: “but is that what you want, to be normal?” To which I answered “I want MY normal to be the norm…” And now I’ve found a group of people who consider ‘my normal’ to be their normal too…..I am so happy with that!
I love: “I want MY normal to be the norm.” That’s powerful. So glad you are finding answers. Thank you for commenting. 🙂 Sam
I’ve just converted and translated my blogs into English, so everyone can read them….I’ve also blogged about MY normal: http://aspienouschka.wordpress.com/2012/05/02/my-normal/ thanks for your comment! 🙂
Omg. This is me me me me me all over! Spooky how you seem to know my head inside out. Thanks for writing this. I have the pleasure of knowing several other aspies in real life male and female. This explains how we “get” each other without even talking!
Thanks for commenting. I seem to have the superpower of getting into people’s heads! 🙂 Hugs, Sam 🙂
I am a single Mom of a wonderful 4 yr.old little boy who is Autistic. I found this during my daily attempt at posting Autism Awareness info. on my facebook page. I have struggled my whole life, been told I was depressed among other things and put on anti-depressants that never worked. Everything you wrote has been my exact experience in this journey of life (except for organizing anything gives me EXTREME anxiety). I have been in tears the whole time reading this… I know today… I am not strange or wierd… I think because of you I have finally discovered what has been so different about me my whole life. Thank you so much for giving me what might be my answer, I have no words to express the gratitude I have in my heart!
Your words inspire me to no end! I shared this with my support group. They feel the same as you about knowing answers now. Our facebook link is atop this blog, if you want to join us.
I would love to quote you in tomorrow’s post, if you are comfortable. No name attached. Thank you. I needed to hear this today, out of all days. You have forever affected my life! Bless you. And there is a whole community (204 people in the group) who hear you and support you! You are not alone. 🙂 Sam
Good Morning Sam! I am sorry…computer troubles and could not get back to you as soon as I had wished. I am so glad you took the time to read my little post. I am going to set up a Doctors appointment soon… I am scared to, afraid she will think I am being a hypocondriac, but I am going to do it anyway. You are more than welcome to use anything from my post, I am touched. I will join the fb link also, thank you for inviting me. I am a little bit in shock right now, but feel hope for the first time. What you are doing is so very important and will change the lives of so many people living in misery everyday, like me. You have truly made a difference in my life….thank you …from the deepest parts of my soul! 🙂
🙂 Thank you!
Some of the ladies are printing out the list of Aspergers Traits on this blog. https://aspergersgirls.wordpress.com/2012/03/31/day-62-females-with-aspergers-syndrome-nonofficial-checklist/
and taking that list with them to appointments.
I imagine you are going through a lot of emotions. Hang in there. You are not alone. 🙂
Sam
This article so closely describes my life that it made me cry – somebody out there really understands what it is like to be me, and I am not the only one of my kind.
You are not alone. 🙂
Thank you for your comment.
Much light and love to you. ~ Sam
always love this blog…will always share this on my wall…i remember the first time i read this blog…it drove the “final nail to the coffin” of my personal quest for my identity…my “Aspie” self…thanks for sharing this, Sam 🙂 🙂 love and hugs 🙂 🙂
You are welcome. So glad you found your way here. Hugs 🙂
I just found your blog. I know tons of others above have said how much this post sounds like them…well, add me to the list! Nearly all of what you wrote is what I deal with daily. I thought I was the only one. My daughter who is 14 is suspected to have Aspergers, and through her therapy, I found out that I also am thought to have it. I’m 42 and never knew why I struggled so much internally until recently. It kind of changes how you view so much of your experience. Several of the things you listed above I still thought was just my own wierdness, but I guess that isn’t the case now. Thanks for sharing this. I’ll be looking forward to reading more from you. It really does help the rest of us out here.
Super! So glad you found the list. YOU are not alone! 🙂 Lots of love and light to you. 🙂
Oh my word.I was searching for asnwers or rather some insight to help me with my 3 year old daughter who i am pretty sure is an Aspie ( like her big brother) and I found your list. I have always felt ‘ different’ but never put my finger on it… put it all down to my innate low self esteem and internal dialogue i.e.” not good enough, clever enough, thin enough, pretty enough etc etc” had an eating disorder at 13, have never learned to drive. panic with social functions and need to come home and grab a ball of wool and crochet like crazy and just shut the world out! Sensitive to smells and noises, musically gifted ( read music before the printed word), fascinated by water running down things and washing drying on lines and the movements it makes, can’t stand ticking clocks! And although I wouldn’t change it for the world, i sometimes find the lack of ‘ me’ time very difficult being a full time mum to 2 amazing children and then I feel selfish and ‘ not good enough’ again. I anazlyse everything? even a 2 minute conversation … did I say enough? Did I talk too much about stuff going on with me ? I get cross as I think , damn it , i should have asked such and such and feel rude! What did they ask that for… what did they mean? I have always had a very vivid imagination, am very creative and escape into fiction before sleeping or I don’t sleep as my brain won’t ‘ switch off.’ ( so know how my children feel!)
Anywya, i am going on! Suffice to say, many thanks from the bottom of my heart. I think I found answers to questions I didn’t even know I had:) Beth x
You are very welcome. It’s always nice to hear from someone who is discovering aspects of themselves. I enjoyed your comment very much. Talk to much….impossible….I am the rambling queen! lol. You sound like my brain. giggles. So glad you let me know about you. Take Care. 🙂 Sam
One of my best friends, an adult woman, was just told that she has Asperger’s. I have asked her to explain female Asperger’s to me, and she did her best. After reading this article, I have gained a slight glimpse of what she goes through on a daily basis. I have a little bit of an understanding of why, sometimes, she just can’t get out. Why she’ll be ready to go and something small will trigger her to either completely change her outfit or remind her of a task, that usually isn’t time sensitive, that she must do. I really appreciate this article and hope that it will help me in the future to in turn help her in some way.
Thank you,
Adam
I am so glad you gained a glimpse. That is so vital to her, I am certain. Great for you for searching the net for answers about your friend. I am thankful you commented. Wishing you much happiness. 🙂 There’s a great Aspergers movie out there called “Adam,” by the way. 🙂 Sam
aspergers girl,i sat here crying at your post as you post is my daughter.
im wondering if you’d mind me printing it to send in as support for my daughters dla claim,i think you sum up aspie perfectly.
thank you in advance
mel
Hugs to you. I would not mind if you print this out but ask that you keep my blog information on the list and only provide to a couple people. Thank you for your interest and comment. I hope all goes well. 🙂 Sam
Thank you very much! You just have described exactly how I feel. I always knew I was diferent, i’m 28 years and only a year ago finally found out that I’m an Aspie, and after that all was finally clear for me. I can say now i’m happy, because now I understand me and accept me.
Please, keep writing, some of us can’t explain like you and you’re the voice of so many, I’m passing this blog to a friend, the only one who care and try to undertand more about Asperger.
Thank You Very Much!
Sorry for the bad english but i’m natural spanish
You are very much welcome. So good to hear that you relate. I still can’t believe so many people can. It was just on my mind one day, so I wrote my thoughts out. No idea the impact the words would have, where they would travel. I’m so glad to hear you are happy! Yay! I will keep writing. Thank you for the encouragement. You’re English is brilliant. I can only speak English, so you top me! Hugs, Sam 🙂
You’re very kind! Thank you!
Your thoughts and mine are very similar, just little differences, but that’s part of the personality of each person I think. In general the way you see the world is my way, but at times is too difficult to explain to others like you do. Right now i’m translating (if you let me) ”Ten Traits” to give it to my mom and sisters, maybe this way they can understand me more.
Just a question, I don’t know if is my country but people tend to speak, almost always, in sexual way… and since I am not aware of the theme I don’t understand most of the time, and see me even more weird… is this normal? Double meaning jokes? I just let them be to past the moment. Do you past for this too?
Wish you a great day!
Hugs and cookies!!
I fully agree with this and I understand. I was only diagnosed when I was 17, but it was good to know I had a reason for all my oddities. And it made my parents understand that it wasn’t a discipline problem. -Stares at American mother- I love inside, and my cats. Reading and writing; and watching movies. The fact I have read 325 books and more this year can say a lot to that.
Hi, there. Oh, yes. I was on a reading kick last year. Read about 200 books…you’ve got me beat. 🙂 Hugs to you ~ Sam
You have just accurately described my life. I am a diagnosed female Aspie. My in-laws are very set in their ways and so much of this applies to them that I think if they would read it they would have a better understanding of me. Maybe I wouldn’t have gone through 13 foster placements…but I guess they didn’t know about AS/ASD back then…
No matter how many times someone writes that I described her life, I still can’t believe it—to know we are so alike, amazes me. I am sorry for your pain. 13 foster placements…oh, my. I feel for you. Thank you for sharing. Hugs to you, Sam
Fantastic post! Always love this blog. Thank you.
So glad you liked this post, and read it. This is an intense read. Thanks so much. 🙂 Sam
Thank you so much for that information. I feel 97% of this fits me to a T. For years my mom took me to every doctor, and if you ask anyone about me they say i’m just “different”. they cannot put their finger on it but i am. Now that i’m 30 and have children one of my kids is experiencing some of the same symptoms. I feel like the older I get the more I am understanding why I feel the way i do. Now I can seek the answers and guidance for my kids.
I am honored. I a thankful you found a source to assist you. blessings, Sam 🙂
Thank you for this post…
You are welcome, Lindy Lee. Light and love to you. ~ Sam 🙂
Thank you for this post. It gives some insight into the condition.
My advice is to hunker down with your cats or your loved ones until you feel able to get up and control your life and your body again. 🙂
You are welcome. I have a lovely dog perfect for cuddling. Thank you, much. 🙂 Sam
Went through I was like, tick, tick, tick, that’s me, didn’t know that was Aspergers related but I have it, tick, tick, tick. I didn’t know “deep” thinking was Aspergers linked…I have been told I am “philosophical” and “moral” and “analytical” by multiple people.
Wow! Interesting. Keep me posted. 🙂 Thanks for sharing. Hugs, Sam
Thank you so much for posting this – I cried a little with relief at some of it. I can totally relate to a considerably amount of what you have written. Thank you very much x
You are welcome. Know you are not alone. Blessings and light to you, Angela. 🙂 Sam
Thank you. 🙂 for the first time in my life I feel I am not alone. You are an amazing person. Keep up the posts. You give me strength and comfort in a place that I know none. -jenn
Awe….Thank you Jenn. You are not alone. Blessings to you, and know that we have a support group link above under Facebook, if you want to join us there. Hugs to you. I will keep the posts coming, and your words help, as I’ve been doubting my ability these last few days. Much love, Sam 🙂
Hello – again.
I’m broken at the moment – I read Attwoods Aspergers about 9 years ago and thought – wow that’s me. I then read this acount the other day and I must be a classic Aspergers.
As a child of five in a working-class, traveller related [father] family, I joined in with the laughter when my mum told stories of when we [the kids] were born etc… I was left in a cot in a room at the furtherst away from anyone, after the neighbour complained about the noise I made. Apparently I never slept, just napped [like my son!], I never cried, although I babbled and I learnt to shout AY! as I moved the cot up and down the room. My mum admitted standing at the top of the stairs with me too.
Anyway, I am not like my mum, and I have 2 kids.
My BIG interest is education then psychology, law, biology etc… I guess if you are reading this, you get my drift. Research/ analyse mode 🙂 including text/ footnotes/ language etc… No fiction here! lol.
My me on enjoyment/ non-analysis-mode consists of children and motorbikes.
I am broken due to feeling relief that now I am not scared to relax instead.
Also I feel estatic that throughout all these years, I have analysed the world through my own eyes and being made aware of our fantastic world of life and science, of human behaviour and philosophy, history and EVERYTHING!!
And I am not alone *hurrah* not the only person who naturally gets excited on information, who is sensetive to coffee – symptoms like cocaine lol.
I’m babbling….
I am posting this because all of this is overload for me abit – I am getting waves [atmospheric pressures] that are hard to stabilise. This is new to be ‘out’, I have told my work colleagues and told my doctor that I match Aspergers and would like CBT.
I have also, yesterday just come off ADs after a couple of months, I hit rock-bottom after 2 years of high-stress.
I have the trait of the Aspergers all-forgiving eye 🙂 the stress was caused after it malfunctioned!
I feel abit better typing this out, although I instinctively want to delete it – I won’t.
I apologise for the self-centered, boring winge 😉
Angela
Thanks so much for sharing your history and all of these insights. I understand so much the stage you are going through right now. For me it brought up soooo many emotions and memories and flashbacks…24/7 day and night. I know entirely about the overload. Forgive me if I have already asked, as I talk to many, but did you try to join our support group on facebook? Nice people there.
All-forgiving eyes….oh, yes. I hear so many familiarities in your story. Hang in there. No need to apologize. Take care. 🙂 Sam
My 12yr old daughter was diagnosed only two days ago so this morning I started my online research and have just spent the last 2 1/2 hrs reading your blog and the replies. It has taken so long because the tears obscured my vision. The traits are my daughter to a tee…for her age. We have always known there was something different about her, believing this was due to a severe illness when she was only one, I understand from other research this morning that may have something to do with it, but as the psychologist rightly said not to focus on the whys but the support she now needs to make life happy for her. I’m so grateful to you for posting your blog and making it very easy to begin the journey of understanding the complexities of her world. Just now sitting here next to her, having had a little chat about ‘things’ I feel so positive, tearful because every parent wants their child to be happy, accepted and ‘fit in’. ‘Fitting in’ isn’t so important now what is important is that she fits in with herself and through her teenage and young adult life is given the skills for dealing with her feelings and emotions positively. We will look for online support specifically tailored to young girls so she may find ‘friends’ to chat with, if you know of any particular group please let me know., otherwise like so many before me…. Thank YOU so very much .. hugs
Two days ago! Wow. That, I imagine, is much to process and sift through. I am so joy-filled you found this blog. I am so HAPPY you have answers….so HAPPY. And now with your love you will be able to help and support her. She will have all she needs with your support. I am glad you contacted me. Words and stories like yours make this blogging all worth it.
Oh…sigh…positive tearful…yes….been there. My middle son does not “fit in” but he is the most precious gift….so wise…an angel….a deep, deep soul.
I do not know of any groups for young girls. It would be a great group for someone to start. I will hope and pray that there is a group out there or started soon to assist you. If I hear of one, I will let you know.
Thank YOU for being you, and sharing your journey, and being THERE for your daughter. That will make the world of difference. Being there and loving her….greatest gift of all. 🙂 Sam
How right you are, she is the youngest of three beautiful, intelligent daughters (the other two are 11 and 12 yrs older which was always a shame because of the loneliness she felt..if she had siblings of a similar age I think may have been easier) and all the years wondering why things didn’t work out or were different for her when all was so much easier for the other two .. the penny has dropped and my hubby and I can start to help her with understanding. She is a real treasure and there are so many things we are so very proud of her for – she’s playing the flute now and it sounds amazing. She has dyslexia and hyper joint mobility also…all challenges she is managing well with help. I sincerely hope other newly recognised/diagnosed Aspie peeps/peeps family members find your blog sooner rather than later..good night and bless peeps like you who do this sort of thingxxxxxhugs Bev
Thank you so much for such a understandable look into our lives!
You are VERY welcome. I love hearing from people. So thank YOU. hugs, Sam 🙂
Is this ALL great!! All Aspergers unite – honestly AGAIN, thanks for putting this page up.
I do not have a face-book account, perhaps I ought to 🙂
I was thinking though – what AMAZING discussions we could have about things – since some of us are so analytical and open-minded lol xx Aspergers think-tank – just a blaze of babble with no-one getting a word in edge-ways
Thanks again, and I’ll stop using this as a forum board 😉 xx
I’m gonna make my husband read this tonight. It might help him understand me, just a bit.
Thank you for letting me know. Hope it is beneficial for you both! 🙂 Sam
I don’t think he understood I was talking about ME, but at least he sees these traits in our daughter which will hopefully make it easier for him to relate to her.
I hope the words can assist in someway. Thank you for your comment. 🙂 Sam
new to blogging, my middle child is an aspie can relate to most of your post thanks x
Thanks for commenting. 🙂 Sam
Reading this made sense. It is what I have been trying to explain to my mother for years, about myself (though she would never read it and just say of the likes – ”You just want an easy way out of life, you always want to be diagnosed\”. This I find interesting as it seems I am always trying my best to live up to her and my fathers wishes, and know inherently that I am a good person with more than sound morals and ethics. But I am ridiculed and belittled constantly.
I am a mid-twenties muslim girl who has struggled with relationships and jobs and life in general my entire life, and who has probably dealt with too many abuses over my time so far on this planet.
I become stressed and anxious easily, and am art obsessed – art being the only true way I feel like I can communicate my true feelings.
I was considered the most reflective during my degree the one where I finally began to speak my mind – but this caused a loss of all friends in program – as I was seen as too serious, analytical, and sad – when really it is just my thoughts. When stressed or guilted – often – I cannot do anything and quickly spiral. The thoughts and feelings are often overwhelming and I become easily affected by any of the senses. Because I have no ties in life and have had to deal with things on my own throughout, I often contemplate the meaning of life, and whether its at all worth it.
I see that most people who have commented here have some sort of social tie whether it be family, friend, etc. But in my experience in my life, I am considered a failure by those I know and am a write off, I now have no ties – except to my parents – which are fairly toxic. You see to live up to their expectations, I put my social skills and life on hold, and in the end its never good enough and there is always more to do. And though they are toxic how does one severe those ties when they are the only ones left.
Finally in relation to a few of the comments posted above, I am curious as to when more and more research emerges about female aspies as to whether it will show that those living in true isolation have suffered abuses – verbal, physical, and sexual as children. Also what happens to those who come from super high achieving families, families who point blank do not believe in any sort of mental disorders – instead believing that the person affected is just making the whole thing up.
Anyhow, nice to know that in the whole scope of things I am not alone, and that others understand this mind.
Signed frustrated (less so after coming upon this blog) young woman with Aspergers, PTSD, and ADD.
Interesting – I use this comment to refer back to myself – again not as a narcissist – but because this is how I make sense of my world – because we learn through the experiences of others – and through self reflection
Thank you for sharing. This sounds so very hard for you, and I am so sorry for your challenges and difficulties. I know you know that there are many women who are going through challenges, and you are not alone. But I also understand that your situation is your unique experience, given your culture and environment. I am so sorry your parents are toxic—-I can imagine how isolating this must feel. I believe many women with Aspergers have suffered various forms of abuse. I know this from communicating with others. I hear the hurt and frustration in your words, and my heart goes out to you. I hope you find more and more peace, support, and answers. We have a support group on facebook, the link is above, if you didn’t know this already. Much love to you ~ Sam 🙂
Tea, I am so sorry for your situation. Please know that you have reached an audience that can relate to how you experience life, although maybe not your external circumstances since those are different for each of us. But do please understand that it is clear to me and, I am sure to others here, how intelligent and self-aware you are. I know it can seem like a terrible struggle, but life IS worth it. You must carry on to find a way to be true to yourself and your own journey through this life – it will not be like the journeys of your family members – it is your own and do not let them steal that from you. Your peace is hiding within you and you must let yourself find it there. Be strong. I am sure you have much to offer the world.
What a beautiful response. so thoughtful. Thank you for adding your thoughts and support.
You have described me. It’s very scary! I have only been thinking that I may have Asperger’s for a short while, but the evidence that I might is really overwhelming. It’s very comforting to know there are other women like me out there somewhere, and thanks to wonderful people like you who are sharing this with the rest of us, I am slowly but surely building up the courage to ask my GP for a referral to get tested. Thanks again!
I am an Early Childhood Special Education teacher and have worked with children on the Autism spectrum. I often do not think of adults on the spectrum other than those in movies or in group homes. (I have a brother with Aspergers.) while reading this i had to get up and leave the room for a while. I felt like I was reading my own life story here! May be time for an evaluation. This answers a lot of questions and address the more challenging parts of my life that I have attributed to depression and an addictive personality type. Interesting. Thanks for posting this.
Thank you very much for sharing. 🙂 I hope you find more and more connections and answers. Light and love to you. 🙂 Sam
Thank you so, so much for this list. I’m a 17 year old female currently in the process of getting a professional diagnosis – my therapist believes I have Asperger’s but wants me to go to a psychiatrist for an official evaluation. When I take AS screening quizzes on the internet, I become skeptical as to whether I even have the condition. These tests are usually based exclusively on stereotypes of what Asperger’s looks like in MALES ONLY. I can relate to many of the items on these tests, but I still remain unconvinced when I receive the results. When I read your list, I am blown away at the similarities…it’s all the little things that had never crossed my mind before. Like why I can’t drive down the street without panicking or forgetting which way I’m supposed to go. Verbal instructions are horrible. When I drive and am told to turn left or right, it doesn’t immediately register and I am often left to “guess” which way I need to turn (this doesn’t work!) I couldn’t parallel park to save my life – a fact which frustrated the crap out of my driving instructor.
So I want to thank you for this list. I can’t relate to all of it and don’t expect to, but much of it registers deeply with me. Reading it, I actually started to tear up at the realization that so many of my issues and quirks can be attributed to Asperger’s. Is it only coincidence that I’m also a writer?
(((hugs)))
🙂 Awe thanks for sharing your thoughts and experience. It is amazing how many of us feel the same, isn’t it? I am so glad you found your way here and had some confirmation. Driving terrified me when I was your age!!! It has gotten much easier…though I don’t think I will ever parallel park. lol. I wish you the best life has to offer. You are very fortunate to find out now, and have tools and resources available to you. Much joy to you. 🙂 Sam
People don’t make sense to me as a rule, what you wrote made perfect sense. I have a son with aspergers, i am not diagnosed but reading what you wrote and how much you could have been describing me makes me wonder? Very enlightening post look forward to reading more 🙂
Thank you for sharing. Glad that you visited. Hope to hear from you again. 🙂 Sam
This has made me cry and cry and cry. I wonder how you knew me.
Oh….huge hugs of support coming your way.
Hi! First, sorry for any typos. I’m on my IPad and I’m using the touch screen keyboard. I love this list!! Like everyone else has said, I relate to the traits as well, though I’m not sure about the sensory issues. Mine are all noise related.
I’m visually impaired, so I’m unsure whether my seeming Aspieness comes from being a real Aspie–apologies if anyone isn’t comfortable with the term–or because of my visual impairment.
I see 20/150 with my contact, 20/200 with glasses and 20/500 (?) with nothing, in my left eye. I don’t have much depth perception or peripheral vision. My right eye sees a little light and shadows but nothing useful. 🙂
So, because I can’t see–physically–facial expressions, facial details, etc., I have tons of trouble with non-verbal communication. But, personality-wise, I am very much an Aspergirl. I came across another, longer list of traits–Sam Craft’s list here: https://aspergersgirls.wordpress.com/2012/03/31/day-62-females-with-aspergers-syndrome-nonofficial-checklist/–and related to most if not all in each section.
So, does anyone know whether it’s possible to have/be both visually impaired and an Aspie? All the reading I’ve done seems to indicate no, but the studies focused on blind children who shared traits with Aspies/people with Autism because of their blindness–i.e. the blind children self-soothed because they were blind, not autistic. Vut I have functioning vision–just not enough of it! 🙂
Sorry for the long post. It’s late here and I get long-winded when I’m tired. But I have to say it’s nice to be able to ramble! Even if I’m not an Aspie, I feel like I fit in very well with you lot 🙂
Random fact: my screenname is from the Beatles’ song, Blackbird, with which I identify quite strongly.
Peace out!
Blackbird
Hi Blackbird,
Thanks for sharing about yourself. I might suggest you join our facebook group, if that is an option for you, and ask the question there. The link is atop this blog. I am uncertain of how many people will see your great question here, under the comment section. I am unfamiliar with the link, but it makes sense to me. Thank you for commenting and much peace to you Blackbird. 🙂 Sam
Thank you! I shall join your fb page!! Also, sorry for the long comment I left on your other list.
I had a lot to say on that one too…
No worries. 🙂 I enjoy reading other’s words. 🙂
My friend’s daughter is formally diagnosed as both visually impaired and Aspergers.
thank you for commenting. 🙂
I just read this. Is it ok if I leave a link. It describes me EXACTLY. Every word almost. WOW. Rudy Simones aspergirls book or 22 things also describes me. THANK YOU:)
Always nice to hear from a “like” minded gal. 🙂 Thanks for your comment. 🙂 Sam
I just wondered, where do you get the idea that precognition would be related to Asperger’s?
By the way, I very much enjoyed your post. It seems I have a lot of the described traits.
Thank you, kindly. Best wishes to you. 🙂 Sam
From my own experience and talking to other females with Aspergers who have it. 🙂 thanks for the comment. 🙂 Sam
Wow! I’ve never read something that describes AS so completely. Thank you for putting words on things I am not always able to describe 🙂
Thank you for commenting, Lauryn. I love hearing from visitors. You are very welcome. Best wishes to you. 🙂 Sam
Thank you Sam for having such insights into yourself and for caring enough about us to share them! I am truly grateful.
Thank you very much. That warms my heart. :)))
You could very well be talking about me. I’ll share this.
Thank you for taking the time to comment, and thank you for sharing. Smiles to you, Sam 🙂
This is just how my 11 year old was and is. Wow!
Thanks for your comment, Toni. 🙂 ~ Sam
holy mother of pearl – you have gotten inside my head. inside ME.
and written this so well.
whereas I would have begun trying to explain and gone off on an ADD tangent or begun crying from the panic/anxiety of wondering why I had to explain to anyone –
then lost a day or two from the sadness and frustration of wishing I HAD someone to explain it to.
and most comforting is this, “As we grow older, we understand more of how our minds work, which makes living sometimes even more difficult; because now we can step outside ourselves and see what we are doing, know how we our feeling, yet still recognize our limitations.”
I’ve been doubly concerned because it seems as if since I turned 50, it’s become worse, or more difficult – that makes so much sense, I now see WHY it seems more difficult.
Thank you.
You cracked me up. “Holy Mother of Pearl!” That’s how I feel everytime someone tells me I got into their brain. This was written in one quick sitting, so I’m thinking there was some collective unconscious stew a brewing when I scribed this. So great to hear from another who knows the journey. Love the quote you chose….that’s one of the most telling parts of the piece. I’m sure glad you didn’t have to go into ADD tangents and 2-day sadness. Glad I could be of help. 🙂 You are very welcome ~ Sam
How strange that “being me”–“being us”– warrants a diagnostic code!
Reading your accounts, I walked into a sublime forest and recognized all the trees.
Thank you, Sam, for writing your beautiful piece and making it public.
Would you mind if I showed this list to my husband?
Thank you for your comment. Please do show your husband. I am so glad this list could help. Yes, in agreement about the oddity of “us” being a “diagnostic code.” It’s like taking a whole species and labeling it as somehow “abnormal.” Makes little sense to me. Best wishes to you. 🙂 Sam
I am laying in my bed crying right now because this is SO me. I always knew there was something different about me. I don’t want this label, but it is nice to see I am not alone. Now I am just so scared… how do I tell my parents? should I go to a doctor? I have a lot of thinking to do. Now I am going to over think this like I do everything else. Thank you so much. I think that you just changed my life.
I understand. I cried off and on when I made the connection. So much of life made sense to me after I connected the dots. No need to label, unless a diagnosis would assist you. I think just knowing I am not alone has helped a lot. There are so many women with wonderful unique brains like ours. Thank you for your comment. Your words will give me the courage to keep writing. Much love to you. Sam 🙂
I am really trying to learn more and more about Aspbergers because my 8-year-old son was just diagnosed with it. Lots of things that you mentioned I have already seen, and now I can understand what to expect in the future. Thank you.
You are welcome. My son has Aspergers. He is a wonderful, wonderful child. Wishing you the best. 🙂
I’m confused. I was diagnosed with Aspergers about three years ago. Much of this stuff applies to me: How it’s a pain to take steps to get out of the house and deal with things; low tolerance for dishonesty and manipulation; obsessions and escapism; and the learning difficulties due to overwhelmed senses.
But a lot of the stuff I’m reading here is kind of out there and extreme. It’s causing me to question my diagnosis?
Also, I don’t feel that compassion thing. On the contrary, I do feel deep resentment and vindictiveness toward people I feel have wronged me, even in the slightest way. I thought one documented trait of Aspergers is a difficulty to empathize with people, which is contrary to feeling compassionate. So which is it? Are we indifferent or compassionate? We can’t be both. I’m confused. Am I an Aspie or not?
Whatever…Aspie or not…I’m gonna milk my diagnosis for what it’s worth, because I didn’t have the awareness and support I needed in all my 40 years. Now it’s like…too little too late, but I may as well milk it if I can.
Many women have the empathy trait. And some of the men tend to not when compared with men…I guess. Though all the men I’ve spoken to, and my son have extreme empathy??? So not certain on that. There are all different types of people and differing degrees. I wouldn’t think that one thing would rule out a diagnosis. Many people with Aspergers have strong empathy towards others. Not sure what to tell you. This is my experience. Thanks for sharing. 🙂 Sam
Still reading and skimming. Number 10, about executive functioning is dead on correct. Trying to learn how to drive was a nightmare…which also caused nightmares. I never did learn how to drive. I think #10 is the story of life, and why I fell behind and nobody would understand why.
Are you AspieEyes on YouTube, who made the video Adult Female Asperger Traits?
Nope. But those are my words AspieEyes used. 🙂
Thank you for your insight. It helps me to relate on some level with what my daughter may be going through.
You are welcome. Best of wishes to you and yours. 🙂
That is me in a nutshell! Thank you for posting this! (I even had a mild melt down when I learned some one used the user name I always use for gravatar)
You are welcome. I hope your meltdown is all gone now 🙂 Thank you for your comment. 🙂 Sam
Thank you so much for writing this, for making this known.
Nearly a year ago, I started a journey of self discovery. I wanted to know why I seemed so DIFFERENT, why I always felt like I just… didn’t fit in.
After all, a normal teenage girl does NOT go to 20+ different schools, not including colleges, trying to find a place where she belongs. It isn’t reasonable. There had to be something abnormal afoot.
I have always felt like a stranger, like someone looking through a glass window, but unable to truly connect properly to people. After all, how can you be connected to people who use you, ridicule you, and make fun of your kindness, as well as your naivety? It’s absurd, really. The only people I feel particularly comfortable around are my online companions.
Throughout this journey, I have looked into many disorders, but none of them quite FIT. Sure, ‘giftedness’ harmonized well enough. But it wasn’t perfect, and I couldn’t help but find myself wondering if there was more to it.
Admittedly, I have always come back to AS, but something always turned me away from it. I have a few Aspie friends, and one of them said I was too friendly and open to have it. However, she was a rather severe case, so maybe I shouldn’t have taken her advice to heart. But I did, and I was, once again, feeling dejected.
It’s painful, not knowing your place in the world. Very painful. Lonely, too.
So, here I am– looking into AS once again. And this time, it’s PERFECT.
But maybe it always fit. Maybe I was just so unsure of myself that I couldn’t see it.
It makes some sense, considering my age– fifteen, nearly sixteen. I finally had to consult with my mom using a mental a checklist of AS symptoms and ask her which ones fit and which ones didn’t.
As it turns out, I’m probably an Aspie. Who knew? I certainly didn’t!
But anyways, thank you so much for this post. It very nearly describes me, and I’m quite grateful to finally know that I’m not alone.
-The Amber Raven
You are a very gifted writer. I read this aloud. Your words flow and carry much power. Thank you very much for sharing your story. Much of my poetry includes the word raven or amber. I love ravens and crows and amber. So I find your name very interesting. You went to so many schools. I cannot imagine how disconnected that would feel. And, yes, it is hard to be friends with people when you can see the “games” they are playing and know enough to question their intentions and motives. I am glad you have found friends online. I have made good friends that way, too. I am happy that you are discovering answers so early on in life, and during a time where there are more and more people who understand and are facing the same journey. Please keep in touch, if possible. And I hope you do something with your writing. It is very, very good. Much love and support to you. I hope you will no longer feel alone and that some of the pain will disappear. I still know the pain you speak of. Even with friends and a husband and children, at times I too am still looking through that glass window. Feel free to friend me on facebook. The link is atop this blog. Take care and best wishes. ~ Sam 🙂
Oh, thank you! I find writing to be quite enjoyable. The words come out so much better than they would if I were to verbalize them!
And really? Wow! 😀 I like using it as a bit of a pun off of my name, because it makes me giggle. Also, my mom apparently likes hippie names! Haha! My baby brother’s name is ‘Sun’.
It was hard, but it was, admittedly, my own fault. I just felt so… abnormal. After awhile, I’d get depressed and lose my motivation.
I’ve found that, while I often worry someone is using me, I tend to be a bit oblivious. Either that, or I’m in denial. Usually both. I think I’m getting better at recognizing true friends now, though. Which is good.
However, my new friends are great, and we relate to each other wonderfully. Most of them are ‘gifted’, but one of my closest ones is an Aspie who’s in my grade! It’s very fun to converse with her on varying topics. They’re all so supportive of me, and we really help lift each other up. It’s quite nice, actually.
I’m really happy, too. I’ve had this urge, this obsession with finding answers, with finding myself, that it’s almost hard to believe that I’ve found what I’ve been looking for. It’s surreal, to say the least. Also, I’d love to stay in touch. I just joined your group, and it’s really great to see the vast support system that you’ve started. c: I have to ask my mom for permission to add people, and as she’s asleep, I’ll ask her in the morning.
Trust me, I definitely will. I intend in minoring in Creative Writing in college, with a major in Psychology. One day I hope to publish books, as well as to open up a private practice.
❤
-The Amber Raven
Okay, it more than -nearly- describes me. It’s pretty much me in a nutshell! Though, I’m not sure how cold I appear to be to the outside world… 😮 When I asked my mom, she said that I only seem cold when I’m trying to stay calm while out (I get rather hyper-active, rambly, and anxious when in public) or at home. Then again, I’m always hyper-active, rambly, and anxious… But I feel TERRIFIED in public.
Hm…
🙂 Yep. Sounds like me. And I still feel 12 inside, even though I’m 44! It does get easier with more and more practice.
Good, good. Because I’m getting tired of panicking whenever I have to leave the house! It’s funny, because it didn’t used to terrify me, either.
Oh, well. 🙂
Thank you so much for this list, it’s being really helpful to me. I’ve wondered for a while if I was an Aspie – I’m 64, married with children, used to have a high powered job, now retired & creative. A lot – but not all – of this list is me throughout my life & still, although I’ve learned to fit in acceptably in most situations.
A group of friends had lightbulb moments when reading an article on high level Aspergers, & have told me they think I am one. They are now going to help me learn to read body language & facial expressions better using some NLP techniques and coaching. I know that it will be learned behaviour, but may help me interact better with others.
After nearly a day of surfing, this is the most useful site I’ve found, very inspirational 🙂 I’m going to stop freaking about being an Aspie & embrace it 🙂
You are very welcome. How wonderful to have such thoughtful friends. I’ve learned a lot through books. I also learn a lot by watching movies. I’m so glad you found your way here. We have a support group listed atop this blog on Facebook. Huge hugs of support and best wishes to you. 🙂 Yes….EMBRACE 🙂
A very interesting, thought provoking blog. I have a 9 y/o daughter that has been diagnosed with Non-Verbal Learning Disorder, which is a fairly new diagnosis, but is very close to Asperger’s & is considered by most to be in the Autistic Spectrum. I have a 7 y/o son who has severe ADHD w/ODD tendencies, but I sometimes wonder if he doesn’t have some Asperger’s/Autistic traits as well, which we will be exploring with our new psychiatrist as well….
I have read much on Nonverbal learning disorder. So very close to Aspergers. Thank you for your comment. Up above on the top of the blog I have a section on working with kids. Most I wrote after reading Nonverbal L.D. books. Take care. 🙂 Sam
Thank you with all my heart! Words cannot express how much you have helped!
A huge you are welcome headed your way. Thank YOU for taking the time to comment. 🙂
I just found this site and very thankful for it, a few years ago my daughter was diagnosed with Aspergers and I have just started to see a new doctor for her who is trying to say its not Aspergers she just has a learning disability.. I cannot wait to print this and show her along with a few other articles!
I’m glad that I could help in some way. Best of luck with your daughter. And thank you for commenting and sharing your journey.
Thank you for writing this. This is me. I feel better today because of you.
Thank you for letting me know and adding a smile to my day. 🙂
So gosh…my husband was diagnosed with Asperger’s about 3 years ago. Shortly after that, my son, who is not my current husband’s biological child, was diagnosed with Asperger’s. That led me to take a look backward at the characteristics of my son’s father who, in retrospect, clearly has Asperger’s. Then I looked at all of the other men I’ve been seriously involved with in my adult life and came to realize that I’ve been something of an Aspie magnet. Finally, when my son’s friend moved in with us a few months ago (both my son and his friend are young adults)I realized, within a week, that this young man also has Asperger’s.
At a certain point along the way, it became obvious that there was some reason I was an Aspie magnet. Initially I
thought it was just that I had a greater than normal capacity to connect with others at a very deep level. As I was becoming aware of what the Asperger’s diagnosis meant in males, it seemed to me that I had whatever the polar opposite of Asperger’s might be and that that was what made me attractive to men who couldn’t otherwise make an emotional connection. Hah!
As I continued to consider myself, in relationship to these men, I realized that I actually have a great deal in common with some of their “quirks” and I began to wonder if my area of “over-focus” might not be relationships. My son’s father, for example, once referred to me as a “relationship junkie”. Ouch.
Reading your blog today, and taking taking the Rivto Adult ASD test online has confirmed it for me. I’m an Aspie too. Wish I’d known decades ago. Of course, the diagnosis wasn’t available decades ago. In fact, the diagnosis was added to the DSM literally the year I began my doctoral training in Clinical Psychology (there’s irony for you), and no one througout the course of my doctoral training ever discussed it. Thanks for your blog…I feel a little less lonely.
Wow. That was great to read. It is amazing the twists and turns life makes…I bet you’ll be having a bunch of “Ah-Ha” moments. I was a relationship junkie for many, many years….men were my fixation…lol….great to hear from you. 🙂 Sam
Strange synchronicity that I found this, a fellow Farmville player posted it on FB and I had to have a look.
I think my first conscious thought was “something’s wrong with me”, and believe me, going through school and into adulthood, the rest of the world never held back from telling me so either.
I’m now at the point of wanting to lock myself away and scream and howl for a good few weeks. This happens every six months or so. It’s as if I burn out of energy from having to deal with the frustration and confusion of life. Not to mention the soul-crushing loneliness. I have three good friends at the other end of the country, one here who I don’t always think is a positive for me, and my parents and sister who love me but all I do is disappoint them with how disastrous my life has been. As for boyfriends, that’s an impossible fantasy.
Now why I am here, someone asked me about a month ago if I’d ever been tested for aspergers and said she thought I should be, then in the next couple of weeks two more people said the same thing unprompted. (Two of them have relatives with aspergers so they know what they are looking for as well.)
It isn’t a condition I knew much about so it had never crossed my mind, but I started reading and most of the info I’ve found so far seems to fit me. Especially the true-life accounts from people living with aspergers, it was like reading my own diary in parts. And as often happens, once you start thinking about something, references to it pop up all over the place, like how I found this blog!
I realise we can diagnose ourselves with just about anything after reading lists of signs and symptoms, but this seems to fit better than other diagnoses I’ve had. I’ve been on fluoxetine for depression for years, but while I am depressed I think that’s a symptom rather than the disease. I was treated for bipolar for 6 months before the doc agreed with me that I wasn’t (the symptoms of bipolar just didn’t fit me at all, I’ve no idea how he thought it did in the first place). I was given carbamazepine at one point and was totally numb emotionally, it frightened me. I actually preferred the depression as at least then I was feeling something!
I’ve been waiting all my life for things to get better, but they’ve been getting steadily worse, and now I’m at a crossroads. Do I lie down and die? Do I carry on as I am in this utterly awful existence hoping for something to magically happen? No. I think it’s time to face facts. While nothing may be “wrong with me” as such, something clearly isn’t right with me either, and it’s high time I found out what.
Thank you for sharing your journey. Yes…time to face facts and be strong….as it sounds you have been most of your life. It is very common for people with Aspergers to be diagnosed with bipolar and for the doctors to then realize the diagnosis was not correct. We have a support group on facebook listed atop this blog, if you are interested, for people touched by Autism in some way. You are fortunate people have asked you if you have been tested for Aspergers…so many people never are given a clue. I also felt something was also “wrong” with me. Now, after much processing and many connections, I realize that I am just unique and have a unique way of viewing the world. It is nice to know there are so many lovely souls who understand and are traveling a similar road. Best wishes to you. 🙂 Sam
Thank you for your lovely message of support, and for writing such a fantastic blog!
I should have done this years ago but I was in denial… everyone always tells me things can only get better and I’ll find where I fit in soon, and I wanted to believe it. Like I said, I knew early on that something was amiss but I was scared of getting a diagnosis and a label – but then again the world hasn’t been shy to label me as a loser, weirdo, etc. So why be scared of the name of an actual condition after all that? And I was dreading they’d find something was “wrong” that couldn’t be put right, and in that case what was the point in knowing? But now I think if that’s the case I can find others living with whatever I have and maybe learn how they cope.
I will be at the doctor’s surgery as soon as it opens this morning and book an appointment. I am UK based so while our state-funded healthcare is an absolute godsend, it is underfunded and waiting times are incredibly long, so getting a referral will be a long process… but seeing the doctor will be the first step and will make me feel I’ve started the journey. I’ve wasted enough of my life, what’s a few more months or years?
I am also going to speak to my parents tomorrow night and tell them what I have decided. I doubt it will come as much of a shock, after all they’ve often said I was “made different” and they know how miserable I’ve been especially in the past few years. I think they will be supportive.
wonderful news. Thank you for keeping me apost. Look forward to hearing more. 🙂
I really hope everything works out for you- I can totally relate- that third paragraph could have been my own words lately!
After researching asperger’s syndrome for about 3 hours in the middle of the night, i’ve grown increasingly obsessed with the possibility that I might be an aspie girl myself. I’ve been able to identify with 90% of the things in this article. I always knew that I was different, but not in a million years would I have thought that I was autistic. I won’t stop thinking about thins until my diagnosis has been made.
Thank you for sharing. I wish you the best. 🙂 Sam
So much of the above applies to me but I was denied the diagnosis after testing because the psychologist (who was young and not an Asperger expert) said, basically, that I had too much empathy (something I told her that I felt I lacked as a child but worked on) , made too much eye contact (I told her, as a kid, I didn’t make eye contact until someone made me feel embarrassed about it — then I made sure to correct that), read faces too well (but I’m obsessed with people’s faces), wasn’t uncoordinated enough (though I said I didn’t like playing contact sports because I felt overwhelmed in them) and that my many collections as a child weren’t strange enough (and then I read somewhere that girls usually have more normal collections). But she did concede that results of many of my tests were results that only Asperger people got. So, I guess, I’m the *only* “normal” person to get those results. Now even though I had explained how I had worked so much since the age of 6 to compensate for my weaknesses (and as a result I believe that has made me have focus problems), she didn’t take it into consideration and went purely by the tests and questionnaires that she gave me, some of which seemed very male oriented. (One questionnaire was pretty much all about being rude and interrupting people and not caring what people think.)
I really think I’m mildly Aspergers and feel frustrated that this psychologist proclaimed me to be normal and that I just need to work on my anxiety and do CBT to help with my focus problems.
empathy, eye-contact, know social cues (facial expression), and differences in agility are the primary reasons girls are being overlooked for Aspergers….wow. Also the girls often collect items that are soically acceptable. You may want to seek a second opinion; also, Tony Atwood is a resource that talks about this differences between girls and boys. Unfortunately, sounds like you encountered what many females do when seeking assistance. Best of luck to you and thank you for sharing.
Thank you for responding (I know it must be overwhelming to write to everyone). And thank you for checking out my film — and liking it! Very much appreciated.
🙂 🙂
P.S. I would like to go on about my specific traits but that would take up too much. Again, sooo much of the above.
Maybe I’ll be less shy and give the link to one of the films I’ve done (wrote, directed and edited) because this is basically me. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gZmdKNJz5bI
What a great short film. I really enjoyed watching it. The actors were good, too. 🙂 Thanks for sharing. What a fun talent!
It is so amazing to read what appears to be a concise reflection of myself. I have always felt the odd one out, and I have no friends, other than my pets, whom I deeply connect with. Thankyou for so accurately depicting Aspergers, it is comforting to know others live this experience, and as I have always said what feels like being born in the wrong place and time.
Thank you for sharing. I have a huge love of animals. I am thankful you have your pets. We have a friendly group of folks on our facebook support group listed atop this blog, if you’re looking for company. I wish you the best. 🙂
I don’t know what it is about sleep or where I sleep, but I can’t stand it. I only appreciate it when I am so tired I almost or literally pass out. I am uncomfortable with being alone with my thoughts and everything unresolved from the day. I can’t sleep until it’s taken care of. Or I just lie there and my anxiety makes me go through all the regrets of the day. I do know that I like hard or at least firm surfaces to sleep on (when I am in a new place I often sleep on the floor) and thin blankets. I hate overly soft mattresses, pillows and thick blankets; its probably what a strap jacket feels like in padded cell. I am never a heavy sleeper (unless I’m THAT tired.)
I don’t know if it is because I suddenly forget as soon as I wake up (scientist say that can happen) or I hardly ever dream……I don’t like the night but I like the day…..I don’t know if this is just me but this is some more stuff to add to the portion about sleep than just noises…..
Interesting. I can relate to the firmness of the bed…I have a hard time sleeping unless at home. I need a soft bed. Thank you for giving us some insights into your challenges. Dreaming part…..could be you forget. My mother can’t remember her dreams, usually. Wishing you the best. Sam 🙂
What a wonderful piece. This is truly superb, thank-you so much for sharing, xoxox
Thank you kindly for your words. 🙂 Much appreciated.
I am a female with Asperger’s and this article was right on. I’m recovering using Andrew Hall Cutler’s (PhD, Chemistry, Princeton, 1985) protocol for mercury detox on myself. I’ve come a long way. I can now look people in the eye, my emotions are much more stable, my sense of direction has improved and I am really close to feeling neurotypical. It has actually increased my IQ. I would recommend his book Amalgam Illness to anyone who has autism. I don’t think there is anything wrong with having autism, but it isn’t a comfortable way to live for /me/.
That’s great news. I have undergone detox measures myself, including diet and far infrared sauna. I know mothers who have had huge success with their children using detox, as well. I feel very close to NT myself, although there are differences in my brain functioning, and how I process that I think are inherently part of who I am. 🙂 Sam
Sam, This is so interesting. I landed here searching for something else and after reading the traits: I was a little relieved because a lot of things that would take too long to describe suddenly kinda made sense. I started googling Aspergers and while this hub describes me to a “T.” A majority of websites I looked over listed these traits, but I wouldn’t have known what those might look like in someone by their behavior.
This is a really great website. Thank you!
You are most very welcome. 🙂 Glad you found your way here. 🙂
This is the first post I’ve ever written. Thank you. I have been trying to “define” myself for so long. This sums it up. I have a 6 yr old daughter who I suspect is an aspie, but she is opposite of me (as a child) in many ways. She is the one that doesn’t raise her hand and is the baby in class and I was the one that raised my hand too much and was the teacher’s pet. I dominated play; she parallel plays. I was two grade levels above and she is roughly two below. I loved to read and write, but she doesn’t and I suspect she has dylexia. She has dexterity problems, as well as fine and gross motor delays. She has difficulty making friends. I can make friends, but have difficulty keeping them. We both have issues with spacial and depth perception. My daughter is tactile sensitive and has an issue with clothing, but puts everything on backwards, inside-out, etc. I don’t like touch either, but from people. I am very organized and precise in dressing and appearance (even though it takes me entirely too much time). Because of these differences, I never suspected myself as having aspergers. I am just now making a connection. The only thing that I don’t ‘have’ on your list, is the problem with jokes. I am always joking and am pretty quick-witted. Nothing goes over my head. Most of the time, it’s others who don’t get my jokes. I don’t know if I am, but if so maybe now I’ll finally get the appropriate help I need to feel “normal” or at least at peace with myself. I’m tired of searching…and tired of feeling ‘unsafe’. Thank you again.
Thank you for sharing. That is interesting the contrast between you and your daughter. I can see some contrasts between my son and I, but then a lot of commonalities as well. I am quick-witted, too, but jokes go over my head, often. You are most welcome. We have a wonderful support group on facebook. The link is atop this blog. Best wishes to you. 🙂
Thank you for your excellent post- I enjoyed every word! I’ve suspected for a while I may be an Aspie, but I couldn’t entirely relate to the more “masculine” sounding traits, if you will, and hearing about it from a female perspective really made me feel a lot more understood. Even if it is all in my head and I’m not really an Aspie, it was lovely to read something that I could relate to so personally!
I just graduated from college, and I’m trying to figure out where to go from here… I’ve been living at home until I know what to do, and generally feeling even more out of place than usual since I’m off my usual academic routine, so it was really reassuring to me right now to know I’m not the only one that deals with stuff like that on a daily basis.
You are most welcome. Thank you for your positive comment. 🙂 You are certainly not the only one, and not alone. Best wishes to you. And again, thank you for taking the time to share and comment. 🙂 Sam
This is so disappointing – you have done such a good job in such a short space and it would be ideal for me to use with my young female students except for one, unfortunate, sentence which makes the whole text unusable.
“I don’t believe you can have Aspergers without being highly-intelligent by mainstream standards.”
IQ, in AS, covers the whole range from borderline Learning Disabled, to genius (currently you will be unlikely to get a diagnosis of AS with an IQ of under 70 but anything above that is consistent with the diagnosis) so you are excluding the vast majority of women with AS from your description in your first paragraph.
While many AS women are highly intelligent, there are many who struggle or whose intelligence is hidden or unmeasurable, or who have suppressed “intelligence” due to their comorbids.
The picture you give is consistent with very able AS women but this is not the only presentation and I cannot teach my students that it is
😦
Oh. Interesting. This was written for me, not for anyone else, and was never intended as a teaching tool. I had no idea many thousands would be reading my words. This is my list. How I feel. Take and leave what you wish. By intelligence, I do not mean IQ or school smarts. I mean abilities for complex thoughts and making complex connections. This can mean a F or D student is still intelligent. Perhaps you have misinterpreted my intention. Of course comorbid conditions affect what a person can do and how they perform. That is a given. Wish you the best of luck. Wasn’t meant to be used as a teaching tool, but with all things in life, perhaps there are parts you can use.
I understand what you mean 🙂 but someone else reading it may not – so it is unusable as a teaching tool which is a real shame; as I said, you have done a really good job in a very short space and it would be ideal for my young people.
Most specially designed teaching tools are not, on the whole, appropriate to the people I work with. There is very little AS specific material available for young adults so I keep an eye on blogs and forums for anything I can use to stimulate discussion and self-awareness.
There definitely parts I can use and ideas I can explore, I just can’t use it as a whole, so thank you and keep writing, you have a lot of good things to say and I do enjoy your blog.
I understand exactly what you mean. IQ is not a particularly sensitive measure of intelligence. In fact, intelligence is very difficult to define altogether. Generally, we recognise the genius and the simpleton, but the grey area in the middle that most of inhabit is much harder to measure. Yes, an F or D student can still be intelligent. My son would often produce very interesting school work which was nonetheless marked as a ‘fail’ because it did not follow the narrow parameters which were expected of him. It takes an exceptional teacher to recognise potential in a person who thinks very differently to them.
Very insightful. I’m curious, do you also feel the need to vent or rant about things you find highly illogical? Or matters of injustice? And do you have a difficult time understanding abstract language, as in, let’s say the language used by politicians or bureaucrats?
I used to feel the need. Now I no longer do, and understand that everyone is on their own journey with their own idea of truth and reality. (see day one of this blog) Abstract anything is hard for me, especially math. I like words I can see in my mind. If I can’t…I usually can’t remember. Politicians in general are hard for me to listen to. lol
A couple of years ago, my oldest daughter who’d returned to college in her mid-30’s, came home and announced that her sister and I had Aspergers. It made her feel better to think, being a bubbly, affectionate person, that there was a physical reason for our ‘cold’ behavior, so I let her think that. A bit of investigation into Aspergers, even an online Aspie test with a ‘yep, you’re one of us’ result, and I decided I’m really just an introvert like many in my dad’s family. My other daughter did a lot more investigation. Yesterday, she suggested I read about *women* with Asperger’s, and gave examples of her Aspie traits and how they impact her life at home and at work. She was sounding much like me, so I took her advice.
Okay, this article describes me far too well. Guess I am one of ‘us’. It does explain a lot of my weirdnesses, physical, emotional, mental. I’m 58 and homebound with CFIDS, so don’t have to deal with the social aspects much at all anymore, enjoying the solitude, and that confuses the heck out of practically everyone else who feel sorry for me being trapped at home. Well, not the likely Aspie daughter; my behavior makes perfect sense to her, just like her coming home, saying hi, then disappearing to her room for the rest of the day makes sense to (and doesn’t offend) me. My husband is a very pragmatic person, accepting of what is and adjusting to it. Besides, he likes having an unusual family, always has.
You’ve done a wonderful job illustrating the woman with Asperger’s. Thanks.
Wow. What a very interesting, power-packed comment to read. Thank you much for sharing a part of your journey. I get that, about the homebound thing. I don’t mind being on the couch alone in my house for the day….and when I’m forced too, because of illness, there is less “guilt.” Although, after I get over my initial fear, I do enjoy the nature outdoors and the company of kind people. Best wishes to you. You sound very aware. ~ Sam
Thank you for this comment! I also found a lot of myself in this post, and have wondered where the line between introvert and something else lies. I think focusing on the “why”s of the behavior makes a lot of sense when it comes to figuring out how we work internally.
Thank you so so much for this incredibly insightful post! I have quite a complicated family situation and this post has really helped me begin to process my mother’s current and past behaviour.
You are most welcome. 🙂
Your description is me. I am starting to understand myself more and I’m intrigued every time I find information about Aspergers/Autism. Imagine an small darkened box room, with no windows; no light; every piece of info I find that applies to me and explains events and feelings in my life seems to act like a window in that room… bright shards of light showing me who me is. I’m excited and I want to tell everyone: look at this new window, look! it’s me! I’m saddened when people who know me don’t want to know what I’ve learned about me; when they are cynical about my new revelations or they out and out dismiss my new insight out of hand.
I have always had obsessions and the other day I made myself laugh when I caught myself dismissing my current thirst for explanations of why I am how I am, as just another obsession :-).
Thank you so much for this post… this is me.
Wonderful image you described. I understand the sadness of understanding or thinking people don’t want to know. Things people don’t understand scares them, and is not a reflection of you. Also, “different” sometimes scares other, even though we are all unique and alike. Obsession about self and “who am I”….I get that. 🙂 Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for describing exactly what I was thinking. I’m so glad I’m not the only one 😀
You are most welcome. 🙂
Thank you for explaining “me”, it is so comforting to know others have the same feelings and actions.
Thank you for taking the time to comment, and for reminding me, once again, that others share my experience, that we are not alone. Much comfort and light to you.
Finally someone who understands me. It gives me great comfort to know I am no longer a figment of my imagination. I appreciate your genius in this brilliantly honest blog!
Thank you for your comment. Wishing you the best. 🙂
I feel like I could have written this. I haven’t been diagnosed (yet) with AS, but I’m pretty much convinced that I am aspie. I’m hoping to get tested soon, but until then I’ll keep trying to learn more about it and myself. Thanks for your great blog!
Thank you for commenting and reading. I appreciate your kind words.
Hey guys 🙂 I’m 14 and both of my brothers have aspergers (16 and 11) I never felt like I fit in really, and I fit all of these descriptions! I knew I had a touch, but I really do have aspergers!
Welcome. Thank you for sharing. 🙂
This post means so much to me. It’s nice to know that the reason I’ve lived my whole life scraping by socially only by intently observing, analyzing, and then mimicking others’ behavior is because of a legitimate condition, and not just out of being a horrible, fake, empty person like I’ve always thought. I read your “About” page as well, and I really like your use of the word “actress” because that just sums up exactly how I’ve always gotten by, haha. (Do you ever feel like you shed one skin and put on a different one when you move from one setting to another? That’s how I’ve always put it to myself…)
After reading yours and others’ accounts of living with Asperger’s as women, I’m as certain that I have it as I’m sure of my own name. But I wonder if that’s presumptuous, given that I’ve never been formally diagnosed (heck, I’ve never gotten examined for my PHYSICAL health, much less my mental health, even as a child).
Thank you for sharing. I believe that whatever brings you peace and causes no harm to others is your answer. I find comfort in knowing other women understand my challenges and how I feel. Best wishes to you. 🙂
Oh, and, yes, I used to often put on the mask of another person to fit in to different situations. 🙂
right on
🙂 Thank you
This post absolutely resonated with me. It felt like you were writing my story. However, I have no clue if I am Aspergers. I always labled myself “sensitive” and “introvert” My home is my sanctuary. Wow. Thank you for this.
Home as sancturary! Yep! Thanks for reading and commenting. 🙂
Oh and Thank you for being yoU!!
🙂 Thank you
I very much enjoyed this. I was diagnosed with Aspergers as a child, but my parents refused to “believe it,” so I never got to go to a socialization class and I never got the special help I needed in school (trying to be social). I was in advanced classes until high school, when I realized they were “lame.” In college I am still working on finding out who I am and what I want to be–went from film to philosophy to astronomy to geography back to film, to English, back to film…lol I just want to write stuff and have people read it! I have to ride the train to school, and the screeching kills me. People look at me when I cover my ears, and I’ve since stopped caring. I feel like this article has described the majority of my personality.
I am sorry to read about your childhood experience. So little was known then about Aspergers, especially in girls. I hope that your parents had your best interest in mind, and that that was their motivation for not “believing” in it. My generation had no clue about Aspergers; I was raised without any intervention or awareness. I think in some ways, this made me very strong and wise. I have collected enough information about social skills in my mind to write a thousand page book…or longer. However, the pain of rejection and the loss of friends because of my behavior are hard wounds to heal. Thank you for sharing about yourself, and for taking the time to comment. I wish you the best.
I could relate to what you said in your post but I don’t have asperger’s a lot of those similarities come from struggling with depression my childhood and young adult years due to trauma as a child. And I have bipolar disorder and adhd and still am getting over the trauma which makes me think and act like I have asperger’s because that post described me.
Thank you Jane for sharing. I wish you well. 🙂
Thanks, in your opinion do you think it’s possible to have similar characteristics with as Aspergers but don’t have and just display those characteristics because they are reacting to something they went through? Like how some kids after going through something traumatic act similarly to people with ADHD but they don’t have ADHD, they are just responding to the trauma they went through?
Yes. And, I believe, many women with Aspergers find mates who have many aspergers traits. There is a lot of overlap with comorbid conditions and no “definite” definition of what Aspergers is or how it manifests. Post traumatic stress syndrome can cause sensory issues, avoidance behavior, and depression. So, indeed many, many “things” can “trigger” behaviors and emotions in others. 🙂 Blessings ~ Sam
At this point in my life, I’ve wondered many times if I have Aspergers, for several reasons. But all the time I’ve read about the “symptoms” found in boys and/or MEN, NOTHING ABOUT FEMALES!!!
This is the first time I can really relate to something written about the “syndrome” and I’m absolutely convinced it has helped me. Because I feel almost everything you say, and I’m not alone.
Thank you.
Yes, there is very little available about females, one of the reasons I started this blog. Thank you for sharing. 🙂
One trait that I’ve read in many articles and blogs is a lack of empathy. The lack of empathy is described as a neurological thing.
But I keep wondering if this lack of empathy stems from resentment, of not having a sense of belonging in the world, of being taken advantage of/ misunderstood/manipulated/humiliated, of being passed over for opportunities, and never having experienced success at anything.
I heard one person say (I don’t remember who) that “success is like a vitamin”. Is it more difficult to feel empathy for others, when one is deprived of the “vitamin” of success, and the sense of connection and belonging? Can the history of an Aspie breed contempt and indifference?
I think anything is possible for anyone. Your theory likely would fit some. I have found men and women with ASD to have extreme empathy. I believe it is masked behind our expressions which often appear aloof or uninterested, or our words that might be “incorrect” or “off topic,” or the nervous laughter or “wrong” smile. To know empathy, one must connect and get to know the others’ thoughts, not simply observe. Thank you for your comment. 🙂
Yes thats exactly ‘it!’ Glad you wrote this. Finding the label that fits the traits you describe, finding out that perhaps it wasnt all ‘ocd’ or ‘bipolar’ or just ‘you’, that there is an autism spectrum encompassing verbal individuals who share these experiences – this discovery caused an extreme ‘polar’ amalgamation of feeling, of relief and devestation and i dont know if im happy or sad that others went through the hard parts just to be able to finally find and relate to the information. I dont know if its a comfort or a shame. Sincerely hope that you have had a very good life and that recognition of your talent has outweighed the difficulties. Not brilliant at this sorry. Thanks.
Thank you for your comment and honesty. I wish you the very best. And understand part of the emotion you are describing.
Thank you so much, Sam. You’ve written this beautifully and the insights you share are a true gift to others. I have an 8 year old son with Aspergers, but the reason I’ve (fortunately) come upon your blog is because I’m researching for a novel. The main character is a 60 year old man with Alzheimer’s who is searching for his estranged son. Along the way he meets a 23 year old woman with Aspergers, and it’s only with her help that he achieves his goal.
I have experience of dementia because I’ve worked for years in a mental health team for older people, and of Aspergers because of my son, but I really want to show a true representation of a woman with Aspergers. In many ways she is to be the hero of the story. I hope you won’t mind if I use your wonderful insights to help me develop the many layers of her character.
Kind regards, Manusha
Sounds very interesting. You are most welcome. Best wishes on your journey.
That was beautifully written and it was actually scary how much I can relate. I am 15 years old and I have never been diagnosed but I am most likely an aspie.
Thank you, kindly. Please feel free to friend me on Facebook. See link above.
Sam,
I probably won’t see your reply cause I am just browsing around today but I wanted to thank you. I am a 25 YO Aspergian male diagnosed recently, I inherited from my dad (he and my brother don’t know they have it, they do), Your writing is a perfect fit on my mother, my wife, and one of my sisters. I grew up in an inverted dynamic with 2 of 5 children being ‘normal’ and I think the rest of us are all on the high end of the spectrum (this seems to hold with about 50% of my extended family as well). I think the familial pervasiveness may cause us to perceive ourselves as normal and seek out others like ourselves from the majority ‘crazy’ population. lol
I thank you for:
making me laugh, making me cry, making me remember all of my pain and showing me that you found contentedness through yours.
the last few years have been difficult (moving out, attempting to integrate, getting diagnosed and realizing I was the odd one) and you have given me a lot of hope. Hope that one day soon I will find myself under all of my created projections, and maybe even share that person with someone.
Of note * I was not implying that I think I am crazy or that those with Aspergers are, just that I think everyone else must be crazy to be able to instinctively incorporate the sheer volume of social cues and rules required in this world.
Thank you for sharing a part of your journey and for your lovely words. I wish you much joy.
Can you have Aspergers and not have the executive issues? I’m very organized, but I’ve always said it was in self-defense (I have a messy family). Holding a conversation is a major challenge, besides, what goes on in my head is so much more interesting than anything going on outside. I feel like I jump from job to job and hobby to hobby. I related to almost everything in this post, but then worry I’m just a hypochondriac…
I am very well organized. My “excutive functioning” is hard in areas of what to do first, decision making (best route, best choice). Ah…yes…I worried I was a hypochondriac for years. You may be sensitive, or have some traits of ASD but not all, or have ASD. It is a hard diagnosis to pin down, and few professionals know much about the female experience with ASD. You might consider picking up some books on the topic. Best wishes to you. And thank you for taking the time to comment. 🙂
It seems the executive functioning problems that many of us have are the traits that cross over with those of ADHD. I read somewhere that many girls and women get more of those ADHD traits the more they try to compensate. This was something I had thought, myself, before even reading that. I have a brother with ASD and he does not have those problems and I think the reason is that he is “allowed” to be on the autism spectrum and does not have to try to be like other people. Whereas with me I’m supposed to be normal and have been on a self-improvement campaign since the first grade. While all this compensating may make others feel better I think it causes more anxiety on myself and makes my executive functioning worse.
Yes, there are many comorbid conditions, and it is hard to say which is which or what led to what. You make a good point about expectations and behavior. 🙂 thank you for sharing.
Only just found out I have Aspergers recently and I definitely relate to a lot of this.
Thank you very much for taking the time to tell me. 🙂
I can’t find the comment above I was thinking of, but it was something about empathy. I don’t believe people with ASD lack empathy. The problem is *processing* empathy — processing any feelings at all. Or processing anything! It’s like there’s no incoming filter. Everything, everything just gets dumped in your mind all at once and you can’t sort through it because it’s way too much, so overwhelming.
Also, just want to bring up (I read this post a while ago so I don’t remember if you mentioned it — I don’t think so) do you think people on the spectrum are more prone to Synesthesia? (I have it.)
Yes. I have Synesthesia (spelling?) and so do some others with ASD I have spoken to. Also, I’d say 99% of the women I have met with ASD or ASD traits are very empathetic, almost to a fault. Part of the lack of empathy mistruth is based on the lack of facial expression (e.g., smile or frown at appropriate time) that makes others believe a person on the spectrum doesn’t care. I didn’t realize I frowned so much until this year. And what a difference a smile makes in expression. Thanks for your thoughts. 🙂
Hi, thank you for writing this. Its very helpful. I’m just wondering what you would recommend for women trying to get diagnosis? I went in for an initial screening and told the professional I had a strong suspicion I have Aspergers. I tried to give her examples of why, but because I didn’t compare to the male symptoms she said she is on the fence about it. She thinks I have social anxiety and ADD. I tried to explain to her that women’s symptoms show up different. She just kept reverting back to the fact that she’s worked with many AS individuals before and I am not showing the signs.
Any insight would be appreciated. Thank you.
Hi. You might consider joining our facebook support group; link listed atop this blog. This is a very common challenge. Professionals know little to nothing about the female ASD symptoms. Some support group members have print out my list or suggested the professional go to my blog. It is hard everywhere (many states and places) to find someone who understands your challenges and how they present themselves. I wish you the best. Another option is calling professionals and asking if they have experience with ASD, but that can be stressful. ~ Sam 🙂
Thank you for your reply. This is helpful, and you are right. The professional I talked to said I have ‘social anxiety’. Its so hard to explain the depths of that anxiety, especially when the screening questions are set up in such a way the conversation never even goes there. She also didn’t write down the extra information I tried to give her. I wanted to ask her if she has researched anything in neuroscience or Tony Atwood on the differences of female and male brains, but I was too flustered at that time. I will see what she has to say on Monday. And I will look for your group on FB. Thank you!
You are welcome 🙂
This is really informative and as a young adult female with Asperger’s, this really puts a lot of things in perspective for me. Thank you for taking the time to write it and help other people who maybe don’t understand why their child acts a certain way. I wish my parents would take the time to read stuff like this.
I wish you the best, and I hope you find much support. You are most welcome. 🙂 Thank you
I am sure you would both benefit from seeing this movie. The TV History Channel series on The Men who Built America is also a very good resource for homeschooling, or just learning things about our country you may not have put together in this way.
It’s scary how true it is for me…..I’ve stumbled across this as am trying to search about why I am a certain way. I am literally in shock!
Thank you for taking the time to say so. 🙂 All the best to you. 🙂
A beautifully written article. It has taken me a long time to realise why I find certain things so difficult, whilst others take them for granted. On the whole, I’m happy being me, but I can’t help wishing my son didn’t have AS traits. Watching him going through hardships and knowing that there is nothing I can do to make things right is far worse than anything else I’ve experienced. I think, had I known the reason for my problems earlier in life, I might have decided not to have children.
The best to you. I do feel there are things I can do for my son, everything I wish others had done for me. I allow him a lot of downtime at home, homeschool, talk about how his brain works, let him talk for an hour straight, etc. You have more power to help than I think you know. I do understand the pain, too, and wishing. Hugs, Sam
Back in my day, I was know as just weird and controlling and a social moron…My 11 year old daughter has just been diagnosed with Aspergers and she is my mirror image…sensitive, good, loving, intelligent and absolutely incredibly attentive to detail…she is so unique and wonderful and i will read your blog to her so that she will understand what a gift she is. Thank you
Oh, this makes me so very happy for you and your daughter. I am sorry for your past pains. I was hyper, unfocused, unable to occupy self when finishes work early, goofy, etc. I’m so glad your daughter has you as her guide and protector. Thank you for sharing. 🙂 Sam
You have spoken my language. I am recently diagnosed and feel a sense of relief and a tool to finally empower myself. This has a name now.
Thank you for letting me know, this. It warms my heart. 🙂
I would like to ask your permission to copy this information, in an email with attribution, for someone who does not have reliable access to high-speed internet. It would be a great help to this person.
Please include the following: Copyrighted. Do not copy without permission from the author at Everyday Aspergers, Sam Craft.
Thanks 🙂
Thank you so much! I definitely included that.
🙂 You are most welcome 🙂
I cried when I read this. I thought it was just me. I’m not sure what to think now. Part of me wants everyone I know to read it, and for me to say ‘See, this is how I feel constantly!’ But I’m worried it will give them a ‘go to’ reason as to why I’m wrong or have interpreted something wrong. Even when at the times I know I’m not wrong – yet have no tangible evidence for it, I just feel it.
I’ve always thought my differences made me stronger and more able than others – despite anxiety. Not to dismiss the anxiety as it does rule my life at times. But not always.
I’m left thinking what now? What next? Is it a good thing I know this? How did I get to thirty not knowing this? Could so much of the heartache been avoided or treated properly or differently if I had known this? Could I have made different choices?
I’m not sure what to do with this information. Sorry for all the questions. What did you do next?
I can’t remember if I responded to your question or not. Please know you are not alone in these feelings. There is a facebook support group listed at the side of this blog. I think I might try to write a post about this soon. I had all the same questions. Please know you are still the same person you were before you read the post. You are still strong and bright and lovely. It is just some processing you are experiencing. Please know too that I am not an “expert” and this list is not meant for diagnosis. I hope you are doing okay, and sorry to have caused you any troubles. Much love ~ Sam
I was close to tears when I read it too and parts made me gasp. I just thought how on earth does she know that. Have been to shrinks and therapists but never experienced anyone with this level of insight into what life is like for me. Thanks.
By the way my daughter is being assessed for Aspergers at the moment.
Is it okay to have a few more questions? Sorry. I’m questioning have I put myself in the most difficult environment possible? Or are my choices typical? So to explain, perhaps laughably I am a Human Resourses professional and have dedicated my career to trying to perfect the skills to do with human interaction. And have been quite successful in a way. Ive studied NLP, Coaching, and many other areas that help to decipher behaviour. 7 Habits by Covey is my ‘bible’ that I refer to constantly. I’ve deliberately chosen place of work that are sales based – I’m surrounded by social experts all day long and learn from them. They can be a great comfort as they help me socially – they love to talk and I have perfected being a good listener – learning exactly what I need to be doing as a good ‘active listener’. That may sound cold, but I don’t mean it to. I care deeply about my work colleagues, perhaps too much which can lead to me becoming emotionally exhausted. I actually feel what they feel, is that right? This lack of empathy trait is confusing me as I’ve always thought I’ve had too much. However, it has occurred to me that maybe I have put myself in the worst environment possible, because when I’m exposed I’m really exposed due to the lack of Even a normal spectrum of social aptitude. Maybe in a different environment I would experience far less anxiety. Not sure what the answer is or what to do next.
Please consider joining our facebook support group listed on the left or friending me on facebook. 🙂 If you are unable, I’ll attempt to answer in short, here. 🙂
Thank you. I’ve just added you on Facebook.
super 🙂 I wrote you a short note there. Feel free to write back.
Thanks a TON for this profound piece of share, wise lady! Your thoughts about the topic is just mind blowing in all respects, Sam. 🙂
Rahul
Thanks so much Rahul for reading this list and commenting. I shall try to make it over to your blog, soon. I haven’t been reading blogs much. 🙂
Everything in section #4 fits me! I have fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue, I hold pencils “incorrectly”… It was amazing to learn that having Aspergers has an affect on these things!
Thanks for sharing Emily. Yes, I thought it was just me, until I starting talking to others with Aspergers who had the same. 🙂
Thank you for this blog post. My daughter (14) has asperger’s, and I think having her read this post will help her to realize she’s not alone. The scary thing is, until I read this post, I never stopped to think about my own self and how hard growing up was and how hard things can be even now. Reading your post was like reading my own soul.
I love those words so much: “Your post was like reading my own soul.” Thank you; that means a whole lot to me. I am also so very happy in my heart to know I might be able to help you and/or your daughter in some way. hugs, Sam
you literally hit the nail on the board with a lot of the things you listed here… i was diagnosed with anorexia/orthorexia/major depression at 12, social anxiety disorder at 14 and apsergers syndrome at 15. Now Im 17 and life is really hard/lonely but im working through it to improve it and make it better… thank you for your descriptions of the developmental disorder, it was very concise and helpful, and im glad other people can relate! Also, did you know some of the people considered the most intelligent in history were suspected to have aspergers? such as albert einstein, thomas jefferson, bill gates, ben franklin, motzart, george orwell, beethoven, thomas edison, mark twain, henry ford and jane austen? it seems kind of special now because you know at least you have high intelligence!
Thank you so much for your comment. You sound very self-aware for your age. I hope that your awareness will help you. We have a support group for females 18 and over on Facebook, when and if you are interested. Yes, indeed, I do believe some of the geniuses of the world had or have Aspergers. 🙂
Thank you so much for this list. As a 15 year old Aspies girl, I’m constantly in trouble with myself. One thing I’ve learnt is to have someone you can depend on for help, whether it be a mother, an understanding and supportive lover or even a lifelong bestfriend. It took me so long to learn that people aren’t against you. As much as it may feel. There is always someone in your life that will help you.
I never understood love until I understood myself.
I am so glad you are understanding yourself! Also so happy to hear that you know to turn to someone who loves you and that you have people who love and support you. Thank you for sharing, and best wishes to you.
I’m 11 and have Asperger’s…this list is me to a T!
Thank you for your valuable comment :)))
I am reading this blog trying to gain insight into my male coworker so that we can work well together – but mre than a few items on this list sound like myself! Is it possible to have asperger traits but not actually be an aspie? I would not care if I was but I do believe I have very good “normal” communication skills and the ability to highly function at an executive level (but then again maybe I don’t! Maybe I have just slapped together some very very good coping mechanisms!). I get along VERY well with people who are wired differently because on some level I think I can relate or I myself am wired differently but have found ways to cope.
I am very coordinated but I remember clearly that I was very slow to develop my skills. I do have good muscle tone, I do not have eating issues. However, learning to do basic things was highly difficult (e.g. tying shoe laces or learning to drive). I had to figure out ways to teach myself how to learn…even though I am pursuing my doctorate (after many years away from academia), I still have a different approach that often gets me into trouble with the methodologists. They say I am “too bright” – which could be a code for something. The really big thing is not knowing what normal is and so I constantly have to ask my friends to tell me if I am approaching something correctly. How would I look into this further?
I love to do social things but I often have high anxiety over the interpersonal relationships and people games (I dont want to participate) that are probably very normal. I am often energized by social outings but on occasion I do want to go into a cocoon for several days to recover.
Thank you!
Thank you for commenting and sharing about your life. Do you have a voice in your head constantly reminding you how to act? Did you do and say inappropiate things often when you were younger? Why do you love social things? These would be the key questions I would ask you, if we were to meet. I know I have Aspergers… I don’t want to go out in public, but I love people an the intellectual stimulation. It’s difficult to know. Perhaps read some more books on the subject. Best wishes to you. 🙂
I’m 62 and only found out that I have Aspergers 2 days ago. I came across this site this morning and when I read it burst into tears. My husband tried to console me and I had to tell him I was crying with relief. I felt I was reading all my inner feelings. Thing I’ve even tried to deny, I saw there in front of me. I’m still coming to terms with this. Thank you
I needed to hear this today. It’s hard blogging some days. And your message means a lot. My heart goes out to you during this time. Blessings and love ~ Sam
Thank you so much for sharing! As I read this I couldn’t help but cry! This is me to a T! Something that I’ve struggled with I’ve over come! Like paying bills! Now if I don’t take care of it asap on or before payday I feel like my life is out of control! I feel so blessed to finally have answers to why I am the way I am! I too want to print this out to my family and friends to let them know how I am and why I stifle in many different areas!
Thanks again!
Toni
Thank you so much for taking the time to tell me so. Much love and light to you, and best wishes on your journey.
Where do I start….
I found myself on this page because I followed a link on a discussion about being bipolar on the facebook page Being Bipolar.
Being curious, I read this list.
I did not expect to be able to relate to almost every single item on this list.
This is honestly mind-blowing.
I feel at once extremely relieved and also a little bit overwhelmed that all this time no one ever told me or even thought to wonder if I were an Aspie Girl. I wish they had; it would have made things make more sense to me.
But, here I am. And I just want to say THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!
This honestly feels like it has changed my life.
Your comment is so beautiful. Thank you very, very much. Love and Light.
many years ago i had a relationship with a girl, we were both teenagers. she could not understand humour . She never talked about the past. never really told me anything that she had done.. One night we were in a club and she went to the bathroom and completely dissappeared for two hours . turns out she had been with some guy . End of relationship !!.Strange thing was the fact that i was worried searched for her did not even enter her head . do you think she had aspergers?
I couldn’t say. You never know. There are other conditions that could present themselves and cause this type of behavior: personality disorders and narcissism come to mind. It is a toss up…could be many possible things, or just the type of person she is/was. Aspergers usually includes a lot of over-sharing and talking….so the fact that she didn’t share about her past or what she did, makes me think no. But that’s a pure guess. Thanks for the comment. Best wishes. Sam 🙂
I am 61 years old and have known most of my life that I was unique in many ways when comparing myself to others. It has only been this last year all the pieces have fallen into place. My son is very much like me, and while searching the internet for information to help him, began to realized all the Asperger traits suited me much better than him. At first I just refused to believe. But because information and learning are things I enjoy was drawn to read on 🙂 I don’t just have a few of the traits, I have most all the traits. So much of my life makes sense now, all the social situations I have dreaded, my home being my sanctuary, few friends, never feeling like I fit in, and so on. In some ways it is a relief to know. Now I am just confused about whether I should seek a diagnosis and I don’t really know how to go about it. Can’t help but feel I might not be taken seriously at my age.
thank you very much for sharing Liz. Always a pleasure to hear others’ experiences and learn a bit about another’s life. I wish you the very best; feel free to join our facebook support group page; some ladies there choose to seek out a diagnosis and others do not. Take care xo Sam
Wow…I am 64 years old and just recently discovered the reason for my difficult life. Aspergers. So many memories of my past are daily explained. I am discovering that I am not a complete misfit, bad person or all the horrible things that have been said about me. I have been bullied from childhood. I have retired from owning a successful business and have retired in comfort due to my compulsive saving and compulsive work ethic..ha ha to my neurotypical friends who will work til death. I worked for myself. Working with others with the gossip, office politics left me out in another world. Life has been hard, counseling, medication (that never worked) yes, cognitive thinking skills, much pain and always on another planet, never “fitting” in. I am still working through this knowledge of Aspergers. But, at least now I have some answers. And yes, I did attempt suicide when I was a young adult. One counselor asked how many times I have been married. Once, now for over 40 years to a incredible man with the patience of Job. He is my hero
Mothers love your children, my mother could not love me and that pain never goes away.
Your blog is me…
Blessings of light to you for all of your suffering and happy claps for your discovery! I am so pleased you are finding answers. My Bob has the same patience. I am quite lucky, as you sound to be, too. “Your blog is me” Your words touched my heart. Thank you very much xo Sam
Feel so sorry for you… At least I found out when I was in my teens. I was very autistic in my toddlerhood, but that healed up. However, my life is still scarred by the stress that all of this causes.
Thank you so much for this post. Every single point you made resonated with me so much that it brought me to tears. I’ve been struggling with these things for years, but I don’t know how to fix myself. At least now I know that there could be something wrong, something other than my own weird head!
You are welcome. I am so glad I could touch you in some way; we have a support group listed on the side panel on facebook, if you are interested. Hugs.
My 5 year old son was just diagnosed with Aspergers and I also have sensitivities to sound, touch, smells. After reading this I truly believe I am an Aspie too. But my husband and Mum both think I’m not. But reading your list – that’s me. You’ve described so many facets of me. Thank you. I will share thus with them. I know they won’t believe me but I will feel better anyway. Thanks
My husband and mother had there doubts at first, too. It kind of grew on them. Now my husband has no doubt. Give them time. I’m glad you feel better, that is what matters. hugs Sam
I just read my life story 😉 yet I have never been officially diagnosed. My son is going through the process of being diagnosed now.
More and more moms with sons with ASD are finding out they have traits of Aspergers. Thank you for sharing with me. Best wishes to you. hugs. Sam
We finally got back the diagnoses, due to changes in the DSM they no longer will be recognizing Aspergers as an official diagnoses. The new diagnoses will classify everything as Autism Spectrum Disorder which is supposed to help streamline the diagnostic process and give more help to those on the high functioning end of the spectrum. His diagnoses therefore has been changed to high functioning Autistic. Hopefully he will get the help he needs now, however I will now start the long road of figuring out my on diagnoses, when I have I will then discuss with my son what he has so he does not feel alone. For the last 11 years he has lived with what we thought was ADHD and for the last 35 years I have delt with my own private hell not knowing there were others like me and that there is a name and a reason I have felt like an “alien” on this planet. It’s bitter sweet but I am so happy we finally will bling somewhere 🙂
Thank you for the update. Yes the name of the condition is changing, but the aspects and challenges remain the same. I am so happy you feel as if you belong… isn’t it a marvelous feeling. Blessings. 🙂
I feel like I’m reading my autobiography. Everything I could never place into words, all on one page. Instead of trying to explain to others what is going on in my head, I will just direct them to your blog. I have felt out of place for so long.
thank you. So nice to know others understand and have been there. I appreciate you taking the time to comment. take care. Sam
Thank you so very very much for posting this. I read your words and they sang to me. I am 30 with two boys ages 7 and 11. My younger son was diagnosed with PDD-NOS just before his 3rd birthday. My older son is just starting the process of being screened for Asperger’s Syndrome. I’ve known I was different but I’ve been so focused on my kids that I never put two and two together until now. My whole world makes sense now. Genetics don’t lie. I come from an entire family of autistics and it’s no wonder that my home is the only place I feel like it’s OK to be me. I took a 200 question test……my score was 181. I’m making an appointment to get it made official but this much I already know for certain in the depths of my heart…I’m an Aspie. Thank you again Sam for your insight!!!!
You are most welcome. I understand the focus on kids part, so much so that you forget about your own challenges. Best wishes to you. Thank you very much for sharing. 🙂
Wow, I tried reading all the talk backs – but got a bit overwhelmed.
In am a 32 years old female,a self-diagnosed aspie . As simple as you wrote – I always knew I am different but couldn’t find the right words to in which way I am different (and of course at some point just wanted not to be different).
I was diagnosed as gifted when I was 10, the physiological staff decided to put me in gifted class rather than advance me to higher age group because I had social problems (sorry about the incoherence – I am not a native English speaker). Even as child I was very aggressive on the one hand, including a tendency to use physical violence and on the other hand i was very sensitive and had (and still ..) a low threshold for crying .
Since in the gifted class there was a 25-75 ratio of females-males I somehow thought I don’t get along with girls,nowadays I know that there are so many ppl in this world and that girls can be awesome in their perspectives (and even in the over-talking about other people’s problems :P), but it took me lots of time and effort to get there (how the heck do people meet other people is a mystery to everybody). Even though my greatest intellectual conversations are with males.
As a child I was a true escape artist – I just never understood why should I be somewhere if it makes me feel distressed, even nowadays I prefer part-time jobs (programmer and data analyst) so I won’t get lost in a cycle of rationalizing being in place just in order to be there.
As ‘unfortunate’ as it may sounds, one of the most helpful things are the recreational escapes – THC and alcohol are my favorites, it lowers the consciousness of everyone and THC in particular made me feel less weird, since everyone are much more understanding and it is somehow OK to make mistakes.
I have so many things to write, since usually I just talked with myself about all my problems and tried to make sense of it all. My greatest non-understanding was the way my father’s death (when I was 17) affected me – and it was a classic emotions-rationalism conflict, I knew it’s alright to be sad but I had no idea how to deal with it and as being accustomed to be alone, I just escaped there, because it felt like no one can understand all of my cycles and thoughts , and it felt so artificial trying to explain myself to others, though somehow luckily I had 2-3 close friends.
Even though I kind’of mastering computers in the last 14 years b4 that I was just afraid of them, same goes with driving, it was difficult – but I liked the benefits a whole lot.
I just hope that aspie diagnose will become more accepted, so I (and others) will be able to do my special things without all the hassles of ppl expecting me to be kind, accepting and understanding (as society somehow expect females to have more communications skills). Usually I know how to use my skills and when other’s will do a better job (with my research sometimes…). My boss is sometimes saying things like – why can’t you be as nice as…. – I don’t want that – everyone has different set of resources – so I know that being nice decreases my cognitive abilities and I prefer to get the job done and leave the politics to the politicians. Of course it would be wonderful to get more appreciation – a thing that with my limited social tolerance became a big issue. But self appreciation is also great – seeing my ideas becoming real makes me smile a lot.
Thank you for this place – I will be more than happy to share more.
Thank you for your comment and for sharing part of your life and journey. I am certain some one will read your words and find comfort in knowing they are not alone. I appreciate you taking the time to give me a look into your life and experience. I wish you much light and love. Sam
Thanks for this…am 34 and last year my 4 year old son was diagnosed with Aspergers. After learning the hereditary links, I immediately looked at this father and his side of the family where is evidence of Aspergers. I never looked to myself…until yesterday when it hit me. I am an aspie…and it’s just shocking. I am an aspiring author…in fact I think books are my escape..amongst others. I am multi-skilled and philosophical…am always looking for patterns and connections to things because that’s the only way things make sense. It means am great at strategic planning and project management. i LOVE spending time alone…am at my best…and the world is a beautiful place in my solitude. I am also very awkward socially VERY!…and my best friend is extremely social…so I basically “hide” behind her. I wish I had realised before that I am aspie because then…I would have recognized a fellow aspie and never had that relationship. I feel responsible for my son’s situation….and am drowning in self blame. Am now wondering..can I risk having any more children then? Am still single and I love kids…but the thought of marriage doesn’t always appeal to me because I so cling to the solitude. It just hit me though that I would need to find a partner with a similar personality to my best friend of 19 years….and that should work…shouldn’t it? :-)….I have all these thoughts running through my mind but am grateful to God that I now know.
Thank you for sharing. What a journey. Lots of processing going on for you, yes? I am glad you are connecting the dots and finding some answers. I hope you can make peace with your past choices and future choices. You are exactly where you are meant to be. In Peace and Love ~ Sam
This blog is spectacularly insightful. I’m currently researching Asperger’s for a novel I’m writing and so far (after a year of research) this is the resource that provides the most understanding and empathy for me. I feel like I’m finally starting to properly understand. Thank you for taking the time to post these brilliant articles.
My pleasure Shelby. 🙂 Feel free to friend me on Facebook. Link on side of the page. 🙂
“Our sensitivity might expand to being highly-intuitive of others’ feelings, which is a paradox, considering the limitations of our social communication skills.”
These are the words that helped me accept the fact that it might be possible I have aspergers. I didn’t believe it before, because I thought being an Aspie means you have no idea what others are feeling. I know what they are feeling. My best friend, (male), the man I love, I can sense every emotion he feels. I read your post about your husband, and it is exactly the way I feel about my friend. He is kind and sensitive, the most accepting person I know. I can sense what he is feeling.
thank you; a pleasure to hear from you and to hear about your experience. Females with Aspergers have empathy. There is know doubt about that. :)))
So glad you posted this. I only very recently even considered I might have Asperger’s. I always knew something was off, but had no vocabulary for it. For years I’ve wondered why a single task (as you write, like grocery shopping) could seem so exhausting–all the little steps involved! Or why I wanted so much to be social but lacked the skills to really hold my own in a conversation unless it was about some intense and philosophical. That list goes on. Anyway, I’m finally beginning to understand it all and it’s incredibly liberating. Thank you again!
Thank you for sharing :))) It’s always a pleasure to hear from others who understand.
Hello there,
I was thrilled to come across your blog, such that I ended up forwarding a link to it to people I felt your information would have benefited. Your description of ‘traits’ fits my persona perfectly (I am diagnosed AS, and my middle son lives with HF autism), but I have always had great difficulty understanding where my own sense of empathy comes from; you, like me seem very empathetic. A part of me has wondered whether my diagnosis might be incorrect, since I feel able to empathise. My problem can often be that I lack compassion merely because I don’t feel a persons upset is without a specific agenda, and if I can predict that agenda (a form of empathy), I then cannot be sympathetic, but I do empathise. I can see past upset and theorise where it is ‘really’ coming from, and if I act upon that, my words can make it seem as though I am just being paranoid or OTT. However, I have wondered whether my sense of empathy is out of sync with the traditional sense of empathy, i.e. when I sense something is wrong with a person, I could be wrong about it, etc. I tend to feel very forthright in my theory of mind models, and often cannot be told that I am wrong about what I sense, and I suppose although I feel as though I have had enough practise and confirmation that my predictions are true, I am also so very isolated, so I have to speculate that perhaps I haven’t as much experience as I think I have around other, and therefore my empathy might require calibrating.
If it is the case that I am right about my own empathy, then how is it that one can be empathetic and diagnosed with Aspergers? I occasionally wonder if my diagnosis relates more to HSP, although only where empathy, rather than compassion is concerned. Do you see where I am coming from? I’d love to know what you thought, so that it might help me understand myself better.
Melanie
You sound JUST like ME. Females with Aspergers have empathy; the hundreds I have spoken too have intense empathy. We learn through our own pain and experience, so we really connect. Things we haven’t experienced are harder to understand. And we analyze to get to the root of the cause, which makes us appear more logical than sympathetic. I could have wrote what you wrote. We have a support group listed at the side of this page. Feel free to join us. Hundreds of empathetic women there. Thank you for your words and knowledge. 🙂 Light and Love ~ Sam
I relate to almost everything in your post. Can you email me? For years I’ve never known what’s wrong but lately everything seems so much more intense. Like I can’t handle anything. I can’t handle the slightest change in anything. I’ve been so snappy and just ill… like a meltdown: but one that won’t go away and I’ve been this way almost a week now where I finally sought to see what’s going on.
My son is h-f asd. And 6 other things… I’m guessing now that he got it from me but I need some help. In don’t know where to turn to get a proper doctor or diagnosis. And if I did what can they do to help. Please let me know any info you have or just talk to me for peace of mind
You can private message me through Facebook. See link on the left. I do not correspond by email at this time. Thank you for sharing.
My best friend of 53 years asked me 2 years ago if I thought I had Aspergers. I had no clue at the time what that was. I’ve done a lot of research since then and boy, have I been blown away by all that I’ve found out. My friend knew I was an Aspie because she was one too. I have sought explanations for years for my awkwardness among the normal people in life. I knew I struggled with bipolar all my life and with ADD but this was like adding the finishing puzzle pieces to me. I also struggle with many auto immune illnesses such as fibromyalgia, OA, Sjogrens Syndrome, just to name a few. But the anxieties I have felt not understanding this other side of me has been bewildering until now. It has caused great conflict within my marriage, and within my family as I was growing up and as I was raising my own children. I also have adult children who are Aspies. It has been very difficult for all of us to get along. With my husband finally accepting that I have Aspergers, and as well as some of our children, he is able to understand the nature of our struggles and can eventually put to rest his resentments.
My husband was the one who found your blog, in his research, about women with Aspergers. He recommended this particular one to me to read. Thank you so much for putting these traits together. It really explains what I have been experiencing my entire life. I have often thought I could write a book about my life experiences and what I’ve learned but I never knew from which aspect, but knowing I’m an Aspie and have learned a lot on the subject, I may know now which way I want to turn. Amazing what we have gone through because of this, isn’t it?
thank you for sharing. Much love and light to you. Amazing indeed. 🙂 My husband understanding my Aspergers helped a lot. Best wishes. 🙂
Hi Sam!
I’ve never been diagnosed with anything neither apserger or giftedness, but it’s been three years that i know an asperger male who’s actually my friend, and that is so weird…like we get along pretty easily, we understand each other without any difficulty (in some ways), but we are so opposit. I am a male too, but i’ve always known my brain was a female one, though i am still interested in females.
I am just 95% what you said in this page. This is the first time i see something so close to me, and i can tell, i have been to many web sites that treated giftedness (i am french so i mostly visited french ones) and seen so many things about aspies, yet nothing close to me enough to tell me: ok that is you!
But while checking the existence of female asperger just to know if a girl friend was, reading the asperger traits of Rudy and then this amazing page just made me realize i was, and i am a male….This is so weird…
I have thought a lot about something that is Asperger, but not male, and i ended up writing many pages about that. Asperger wasn’t the word i used to name it, but hyperemotional. I think it is a mistake to use Apserger as it only relates to males. Females are extremely different so we have to see it from a female point of view, just to make things clear and show there are two very distinct types.
So what about males with “female Asperger”? I hope to see something released about it.
Thank you for all your work this is so interesting!! 🙂
Great comment; thank you. You are not the only male with Aspergers who relates to this list. Best wishes to you.
Thanks for sharing this. It’s strikingly familiar to me in a lot of ways. I actually DID collect stickers (I had thousands) and insects (a highly organized 5-case array which now hangs in my studio). Although collecting insects hurt them obviously, I probably feel worse for animals than I do for people, but I can alternate between that and actually feeling someone else’s emotions intensely. I also recognize the need to imitate juxtaposed with needing to be passionately individual–the imitation is subconscious and nearly automatic, right down to taking on someone else’s accent or way of speaking in a conversation. I have always had a bad habit of holding grudges and am highly paranoid, so the innocence and forgiveness does not fit me as well!
I noticed you mentioned being a parent as well. My blog on being an Aspie parent is in need of some well-written, helpful material as resources, and this post is both of those things. I hope you don’t mind me adding the link to your post here to my website’s resources page! Just the link, I won’t be copying any text.
that’s fine 🙂 thank you for sharing 🙂 I will be publishing a book soon on the blog.
I understand you have a lot of posts…do you have any posts specific to being a mom with asperger’s?
Do you mind if I feature some of your writings here on my youtube blog? I am just starting a blog for personal thoughts and also education for people on aspergers syndrome. What you have written is beautiful and would be helpful.
Hi Kassy, thank you for your inquiry. What I ask is that people use a small portion of my writing, like one to two paragraphs, listing my name, blog, link and then refer people back to my blog. I do not wish people to use my complete works, ( a post, a story, etc.) as I consider that copyright infrigement. I appreciate you contacting me and being considerate, and appreciate your kind words. Let me know if you use a portion. Best wishes. 🙂
I don’t know if I’ve commented here before but I come back to this post all the time and I send people here a lot. This an extremely helpful post.
hehe I don’t know either. 🙂 but thank you. I am so happy that my words are helping people. Truly is wonderful. Sending you light and love.
That has been an education. 🙂
Nice to have read so much about it and I souhld tell you that I can understand most if it being a bit dyslexic but I’m in safe hands. 🙂
🙂 Thank you for commenting and for reading :))
I’ve translated this article in French, so could I publish my french translation as I share your article in Facebook.
Thanks for your answer
Nadine
you are welcome 🙂
I translated your article in French, so could I publish my French translation as I Share this article.
Thanks for your answer
Nadine
Sorry, I would say as I share this article on Facebook.
Thnaks
I love that you mentioned “Tasks that others take for granted, can cause us extreme hardship.” This is true beyond belief. If I could overcome at least HALF of what others seem to take for granted, I’d get a job waiting tables the next day – and make some good tips! Instead, I hide in cubicles where I feel I can do the least damage. But I AM active with community theater – I don’t do too much damage there. 😉 Thanks.
Oh yes….I think about that every day. Just finding my keys, balancing my purse with another item, using my computer, figuring out how to print photos, pulling into a parking spot. Everything takes effort.
I just read this for the first time and was amazed at how much this describes me, as well. (A couple of my granddaughters have been diagnosed, and I had previously thought they inherited this from their grandfather, but now I’m seeing we both had many of these traits, so they got a double whammy!) You have opened my eyes to my own challenges, naming them and enlightening me. I was diagnosed with OCD years ago, and Executive Function Disorder. I have always been awkward and clumsy, with difficulty knowing where my body was in time/space. I’m on medication for anxiety, and have Sensory Processing deficits. Add on many failed relationships, and many jobs where I did well, but couldn’t relate to others I was working with. Your writing this list has reached out to me in a way nothing else has. A million thank you’s!
Awe….thank you so much for commenting and reading. 🙂 Best wishes to you and your journey happycabin
This describes me SO much! I knew something was wrong since I was kid. My husband and I are in a state of transition he’s hoping to go back into preaching full time and I’ll be a preachers wife again. When that happens I’m going to seek out a doctor who can recommend me to someone that can diagnose me definitively.
In list order here is what I’ve dealt with and dealing with
1. Slow motor skills, I was 10 when I finally learned to tie my shoes, even now zippers are difficult, and I prefer buttons or snaps. Velcro is definitely a lifesaver. I wear flip flops (I live in FL.) year round because they’re easy slip on and off.
2. I hate anything that is scratchy, I almost flip out if I have an itchy tag, I put so much Downy on our clothes they’re soft for me but my husband said they’re too weird feeling. I even wear my underwear inside out if it isn’t tagless so that the tag doesn’t touch me. I wear cotton shirts and jeans or yoga pants so much more comfortable.
3. I can drive, I have trouble spatially though at lights I always stop too far back. I also always had trouble with colors getting them wrong, so I have to remember red on top, green on bottom. When I travel I get nervous without my gps and if no one is in front of me when I stop at lights. If traffic is too heavy I freak out because I get too anxious.
4. I hate social situations, I actually will skip going to gospel meetings at other congregations because I’m in a don’t mess with me mood where I just don’t want to meet anyone. I’m okay with my home congregation because I know people there and they know I’m “awkward”. My husband was a full time preacher and people got used to my weirdness he’s hoping to go back into preaching so I am anxious about adjusting back to that. I hate making eye contact. I avoid talking on the phone with strangers I make my husband call the pizza or now I just place my order online. I also can’t make out faces like expressions, I know faces just not what they’re conveying.
5. Speech wise I talk one way, either fast or too slow. Always monotone, I also have trouble knowing what to say, because I’ll do something and not realize its bad until after I’ve done it. Or I’ll say something and not know its mean until I get yelled at or someone starts crying. I also feel like I hit a brick wall sometimes when I try to talk like I don’t know what to say, and it irritates me. Like I said I have trouble with colors so when I’m trying to say what color an item is I’ll blank out and say the wrong color. I don’t mean to but I am a master manipulator and faker I can say something just to make people happy and I’m trying to control it and be more real.
5. I was the one that followed people blindly, and I had imaginary friends the one I talked to the most was Ace, he was my best friend. My friends were as weird as me and I got involved in situations because I was so naive. I’m smarter now than I was and I’ve got an awesome husband who is trying to understand me.
6. I’m in the top 10th percentile mentally, I was writing and reading at a 12th grade level when I was 12. I got in trouble for reading adult books at 11, like Stephen King and VC Andrews. I can do excellent in everything but math. I am a poet, writer, and artist sometimes. I use big words and my imagination at 26 still runs wild. I do start daydreaming without realizing it. I also relate so well to music I have songs all the time in my head and songs I relate to. I find solace in reading and immersing myself in books.
7. I want people to accept me and understand me, and it is so hard because I feel so out of touch sometimes. I am so grateful for my husband even though I take things so literally, it annoys him. I can go off on tangents without realizing it for hours and he just listens. I get mad over things, that shouldn’t make any difference.
8. I like order, and patterns. My laundry is in a certain order when I do the washing. My glasses and plates are in a certain order. If someone (my mom in law who lives with us now) messes up my order I blow up and freak out. I hate when my car keys go missing if they are not in the basket by the door. When we move the pictures are marked and labeled for each room so they can go back to where they belong in the new house. I use star stickers 😀 My clothes are in an order and right now they’re not and it causes my anxiety.
9. I suffer from petit mal seizures that are not epilepsy, it goes along with my anxiety disorder. If I get stressed I seize and I can’t take meds they make me a zombie. I also have stage 4 endometriosis and fibromyalgia. I know when my hormones act up my weirdness increases.
I know this is a long comment but this article helped me so much understand what I’m going through and I read it and said that’s me. Its self diagnosed right now but I hope to get an official diagnosis.
What a great list. Really interesting to read. I think your list will help others that come to the blog. Thank you. I wish you the best in your journey :))))
Reblogged this on More is More and commented:
I wonder if, as a dad with daughters, might some of this apply? This is a really great look at an important condition from the first person perspective.
Thank you for reblogging this. 🙂 I visited your site, but couldn’t find information about you. But thanks. 🙂
thankyou for posting this blog it has convinced me more than ever that i too have aspegers syndrome but i really dont know how to approach my doctor or even if i should?
That is a very personal choice, as you know. I hope that whatever you decide, you have peace with the decision. Best to you. 🙂
I feel about 80% of this post applies to me, I have bookmarked it to show my boyfriend as so much of this is hard to place in words when I begin to describe how I feel. Thank you for sharing this.
You are most welcome. Best wishes to you.
Wow. All I can say is OMG I fit all of that to a T! This is all new to me…I’m 51 but have never felt so at home with a list of specifics…Makes me want to cry with relief…All this from stumbling on Mozart and the Whale…
Thanks again for putting that out there!
:0) You are most welcome
i’m not sure if you’ll see this sam! but thank you! i have a ten year old daughter who is really struggling in life right now i have two son’s who are older one with autism and the oldest show aspegers traits and i have been struggling with my daughter needs as it seems so different from the boys… and looking and reading your artical ( sorry about the spelling!) yo’ve had highlighted most of her ways… she has been diagnosed with dyslexia and i put things down to hormones as ya do… but deep down i know theirs more…. i thank you for this i now know i’m not imagining things…. i just want to help her as she seems so confused at time’s .. love and light to all
p.s is their any other/more sites you could recommend so that i can educate myself more to aid my daughters future? once again love and light to all !
I started this site as I was having trouble finding sites myself. Wish I could be of more help. There are some good youtubes you can search for. Also Tony Attwood is a good source
:)))) I saw this. Thanks and best wishes to you :)))
Basically everything you wrote I see in myself. I have never been diagnosed but this greatly confuses me because from the textbook diagnosis the criteria seem much different. I understand though this is in inner workings of someone with aspergers and I fully resonate with everything here. If I were getting a diagnosis from your terms I would surely have it. I talk so someone tuesday to see if I qualify to get a evaluation at a developmental disability center. I hope they know what they are doing there.I am 22 years old. If you could please give me any advice I would really appreciate it.
Consider printing out the non official check list I have on this blog and bringing it in to the professional. Others have done this. or refer them to this blog. Best wishes to you.
This is a great post! I suspect I have aspie traits, probably not enough to be diagnosed, and it doesn’t affect me much at the moment, but I did see a lot of myself in this article, especially all the questioning of everything! And really made me realise how much I’ve modelled myself on my sister (a year and a half younger than me but so much better at social situations!) A very well written post 🙂
Thank you 🙂 Wishing you the best
I am 57 years old and about 5 years ago I began to suspect my difficulties with relationships had to do with me, rather than others. I wish this site was available when I was a teenager. The online tests and this site definitely describe me as an “Aspie”. To me, the cruelest trick that’s ever played on me is for someone to get to know me a little, then say, “Let’s be honest’ or “Be real” or “Be transparent”, usually preceded by some revelation of their “secret”. Unfortunately I would love to be transparent, but I’m so intense and thoughtful about life, it scares people away. With age, I’ve learned to not do this, but I do give out little tidbits just to satisfy their curiosity and maintain some semblance of a friendship. I’ve also learned not to regard others with contempt for a lack of intelligence, but to accept THEM the way THEY are as well and to resist self absorption by praying for others. This mental condition may not be curable, but it is possible to live above it for the sake of others, especially our loved ones.
Here’s a couple more thoughts for consideration. It wasn’t until I got off the premenstrual merry-go-round (hall of mirrors, etc) that I was finally able to learn to cope with this condition in a constructive manner (hurray for menopause!). And speaking of sensitivities, I’ve also learned the amount of seasonal light has a profound influence on my perceptions. My twice a year blowups have been explained and pro-active measures are on my calendar! 😀 Thank you for this website and the information on it. Even though I am self-diagnosed, this has made it easier to see myself clearer and avoid unnecessary stress with others.
Final thought, then I’ll leave room for others. It seems like the more complex our world is becoming, the more people are distracted, the more mistakes they make (perpetual guilt), the more their energy is dissipated in meaningless ways, their social contacts more transient and chaotic, especially since the norms and customs of society are being throw out with the bath water, the more we will see mental problems in people. In addition to this, we are bombarded with all kinds of artificial electromagnetic waves, artificial day/night cycles, electronic entertainment, air pollution, toxic food, depleted soils and toxic chemicals in general (in fact we bathe regularly in them). May I submit to you that there is nothing wrong with us at all? Our “syndrome” is not really a syndrome at all, but simply what happens when people live in poisoned chaos?
WORD. Well said.
I agree with you.
And, I think that we are just what the world needs.
Hm, I wouldn’t agree. Though it wasn’t discovered until recently, people with Asperger’s traits have been around for many, many years- even before all of the environmental hazards that you listed. Besides, AS isn’t an illness- it’s a difference in neurology, a condition that affects our perceptions and thought processes, among other things. It isn’t ‘wrong’, just different. Perhaps the environment has worsened sensory issues/triggered some things in ASDs, but they certainly aren’t completely environmental.
That’s a good point. Although I think that what Bobbie was saying is that AS is indeed not an illness, but actually a “normal” reaction to the things that are going on. I guess maybe there is a need to define “illness” here. I certainly don’t think anyone here thinks that it is a pathology, but I guess the words “symptoms” evoke an illness-type meaning, so I can understand why you interpreted it that way.
I wonder if there is some gene-environment interaction going on. In other words, AS is something biologically-based that exists regardless of environment. However, perhaps the environmental, hence lifestyle, changes in our world today are activating the expression of those genes, amplifying their affects on our personalities and behaviors.
Yes, I agree, Aspergers traits have been around a long time. I tend to lean towards a genetic link. 🙂 Thanks for sharing Raven.
I enjoyed reading all of your comments. I, too, and deeply affected my hormones and sunlight or lack of, and Vitamin D is a hormone as well. I am looking forward to menopause. I had to stop my thyroid hormone as it was doing terrible things to my body. I am very sensitive to all forms of hormones, and any substance really. We do live in “poisoned chaos” but I do not believe we are the result of that, but rather a light pointing another direction to the world, us and many others. We are also the canaries in the coal mine, so to speak. Thanks again for your thoughts. You’ve inspired interesting conversation. Sam 🙂 (author of this blog site).
Yes – I agree with you! I have been searching for others like me my whole life. I was so different in some things to those around me – especially in my need to understand and make connections – see the “big picture”. I think you are so right about the world needing people like us now, because we are complex thinkers – able to focus voraciously on trying to understand. Our hierarchical, topdown, left-brain oriented world has been trying to address complex issues with linear solutions for too long – that don’t work and are extremely destructive!
I think today’s world exacerbates symptoms for those on the autism spectrum, but they are not the cause of them. From everything I’ve observed and read, the difference between people on the spectrum and those who are not is purely in how the brain processes information. That can result in a variety of symptoms — even sometimes contrasting symptoms. But it all comes down to the way the brain receives input.
I believe, in my experience, it is more than the brain. I believe it is the way the body responds to environmental influences, foods, toxins, hormones, etc, as well, and also I believe many of the women I have encountered have profound spiritual depth, precognitive experience, and empathic connections. So, for me, it is body, mind, and spirit. 🙂
Thank you for your blog. For 20 years I have struggled, not understanding why I just don’t fit and why I tick in the way I do. My son has recently been diagnosed with Asperger’s and I am pretty sure my father has it. My son has recently been suspended from school and all is not great. A lot has fallen into place, reading your blog.
I am sorry for your challenges and struggles. You are certainly not alone. We have an online support group on Facebook if you are interested. Best wishes to you, and thank you for your comment. 🙂
I’ve spent my whole life feeling like i dont belong, always feeling like i’m saying and doing things the wrong way. Thankyou for this article, reading this felt like all the thoughts and feelings in my head had been put on the screen. I feel a bit better knowing others understand. Thankyou for this blog!!
You are most welcome. 🙂 Thank you for taking the time to comment.
My youngest has Asperger’s + commorbidities,
my oldest has Tourette + commorbidities, I have Tourette + commorbidities and many Asperger’s traits, and my husband has the overlapping commorbidities found in both.
The four of us maintain our senses of humor, we embrace our little “neuro-party”, and believe that acceptance leads to understanding, especially when understanding is difficult. When we suffer, it isn’t due to our diagnoses, the root cause is the treatment received at the hands of other people (ie: school/district). Naturally, this is remedied daily through instilling and implementing effective advocacy and education, diplomacy, knowing and understanding our rights, our commitment to accountability, etc…
To survive our experiences isn’t enough, a fulfilling life is the only option.
Thank you for sharing. Your hardwork shows. I too know a similar path. Wishing you much continued success. 🙂
At least we can laugh with all of our fellow crazies, can’t we? (I’m only saying this because I’m an Aspie.)
Before you were saying something about having anxiety over what is being eaten.
Did you mean like this:
I buy meat on Monday or Sunday, go to eat it Thursday, realize it’s been in the fridge nearly five days….google meat storage…see that that is the maximum…think it’s fine just cook the meat really good. Cook the meat… worry. Decide not to eat it. Put entire steak in bin.
Experience depression over money and fact you are now hungry. Remember last time you got sick from some meat for 3 days…think the choice is justified.
Still feel hungry but think it’s better than risking food poisoning. Only been food poisoned twice in entire life, but enough to cause the occasional anxiety over food.
Go to see what else is there. Salad has gone brown, nearly everything is a bit off. Don’t have money to replace it.
Agonize over going hungry or just eating the brownish stuff, it’s not meat…should be ok???
Feel too unsure.
Wish life wasn’t so hard and that there was just “tes” or “no” signs on things.
Anxiety or Aspergers?
If you have this, how do you deal with it?
Yes; I can get that way. I try not to go down the path. If the meat is old (my family eats meat, I don’t) I toss it. Then I tell myself it is okay. And let it go. I understand what you are saying, and do that with many other things. But I have learned to let go of things associated with money. I rationalize to not “fear” about the meat being bad for my family, is worth a few dollars. 🙂 Thanks for sharing. Hugs
Wow. Amazing to read this, that I have this too in common with my fellow people on this blog. Yet another illuminating surprise.
First of all, I am a college student (21), so luckily I have the privilege of going to the dining hall if I don’t feel like eating at my off-campus house, and I don’t have a family to worry about, and my mom supports me as I am a full-time student. But, I identify with your thought process sooooo much. I’m not sure if I have obsessive compulsive disorder, but I usually attribute it to something like that. Hearing it come up in this context is fascinating. The problem I have is similar to yours in that every single tiny minute little decision is just a wild flurry of “yes…no…wait…maybe this….no wait go back to that….oh but wait, if I do that, then this will happen….but wait okay what about this….(etc)”. I usually solve this problem by having very very simple things to eat (ramen noodles—just boil water, add noodles, done) and also just shopping once per week and getting only a few items which I just focus on for that week, and know that at the end of that week they’ll be gone and won’t be wasted (for example, I’ll buy bread, cheese slices, lunchmeat, and tomatoes, and eat those sandwiches for the week, adding some different snacks here and there but mostly just that). I’m still pretty healthy though, because luckily I crave pretty healthy food. But your thought process and anxiety that relates to cooking and food spoiling and the whole agony of the decision-making process reminds me of another concurrent problem I’ve been having. I have a hard time following instructions (each line of instructions brings up that flurry of if-but-wait-maybe-that-no-yes-ugh-wait). I am currently working on a biology senior project for my undergrad degree. The labwork is ALL following protocols and doing tasks, very very similar to cooking (add this chemical. Make sure this runs for one hour. Check the temperature on this in the meantime. Add this chemical. Thaw out these cells. Make sure they’re not out too long. Do this. Do that.” You get the idea. I am having a very hard time doing the simplest things for the very reason you pointed out in your difficulties with food. I can’t simply carry out a task described by instructions, because my mind is bombarded with questions and “ifs” and “thens” and anxieties over every single step, and I get nowhere. Sometimes I’ll show up to lab, take a look at the stuff, and then think “ugh I don’t have enough time to complete this today, it’ll have to happen when I have a solid 5 hour chunk of free time.” So my projects keep getting post-poned again and again, every time those anxieties and complications in my mind getting in the way.
Sorry for such a long post–didn’t know how else to describe it all without the length. Just wanted to commiserate and share what I feel is a commonality.
****Thanks again for running such a great blog and community. This really helps me 🙂
🙂 thanks for sharing
Just remembered you are vegetarian…but you get what I am saying…this could apply to any food. 🙂
Yes, I get what you were saying. 🙂 My anxiety is more related to what food to cook, how much sensory issues will be involved (cold feeling of fridge food, sound of chopping, collecting of debris, etc.) and decision making: this fruit or that, which is better for child, which is about to spoil, which is enough, how to mix and match, if there is enough nutrients. A lot of health related stuff. by now I ought to have just made a weekly meal plan but plans worry me… lol lol
Hi Sam, thanks for the reply! I wasn’t notified…instead I got the reply for someone else in my inbox.
What have you found helpful for anxiety? I just had a wonderful day with a friend, came home and was hit with anxiety but couldn’t quite figure out why. Very vague reasons. I should be feeling on top of the world. I don’t get how anxiety will be so illogical, I have a lot to worry about, but also positive changes are happening.
It also seems to creep up when I’m relaxing…like watching t.v. or having fun…there’s this weird underlying sense of doom.
Sometimes it makes more sense like when I know what the issue or worry is about…then I can soothe it or let it go for the time being.
When I have no solid reason for the anxiety then I don’t really know what to do about it or how to solve it. It’s just there weirding me out, and confusing me. Thump, thumpo, thump…what’s your problem heart?
I am still searching for ways. Practicing being in the present helps me, a nap, eating a bit, walking, talking to a friend, but it visits me all day. Sometimes I acknowledge the “fear.” Hello “fear.” And accept my thoughts and watch them pass, know they will pass. 🙂
My husband and our 2 boys have just headed out to grab a bite to eat and purchase snacks while momma (that’s) me can get ready for “date night”.
I recall your description of the effort it takes to prepare for an “outing”…
-What shall I wear? (the same thing you always wear, a t-shirt and comfy jeans)
-Where will we go? (Somewhere local, because neither of you like big crowds or new places, duh!)
-Will I receive “looks” when stammer and have a child-like voice when I speak? (No, the patrons know who you are, they are used to it, and are accommodating.)
-Will I be ready for date night on time? (Not a chance.)
Awe,,,,great comment. Humor and truth in combo. All the best to you.
Truly fascinating reading. I can relate to all your points on some level or another. I have tailored my life, pretty much, to accommodate my ‘uniqueness’ albeit I never felt the need to look for a ‘label’ to explain why I was the way I was. I think I may now know why I am the way I am. In all honesty that is okay by me. I am 45 in June. The traits you describe above explain why I have been to hell and back over the last few years. My honesty and my innocence are my biggest hurdles. In fact my honesty has simply led me to become more reclusive and anti-social as I have got older, navigating my way through social situations is too much so I pick and choose what I am going to force myself to go to. It leaves me with an anti-social label but I don’t care. I feel I would rather stay in than say the wrong thing or spend the whole event wondering what to say/monitoring what I am saying, the list goes on. My innocence or inability to see situations for what they are and my inability to read a person’s intensions led to a near breakdown a few years ago but having said that it wont happen again, we can learn even if we can’t change. I am gonna stop myself here, as like most other contributors I could write a book on my life. It’s not all bad, just confusing and stressful. Much love to Sam, you are truly remarkable and have clearly ‘done’ a lot more with your ‘aspie’ life than I will ever do. Just give me a clear diary for the day and I’m happy. Shall I walk the dog/shall I not walk the dog…………………………….
I am glad you are okay with you. 🙂 Honesty and innocence… sigh… such lovely attributes. I have learned to pick and choose as well. Thank you for your thoughts and for your kindness. All the best to you. ….lol….walk the dog! xo
This post makes so much sense to me. My son has Aspergers and I think I do too. As a child I was never like other girls, I hated ballet and other girlie pursuits. I’ve never enjoyed social hugging and kissing. I was deemed unsociable and peculiar. I struggle to fit in, people think I am confident and outgoing but I feel excrutiating inside and always analysing the things I have said. Was I too opinionated, overbearing, crude, boring?! I hate having people round to my house too and get overwhelmed by ‘stuff’. A great article and one I’m sure I will keep coming back to….
Thank you for sharing a part of your life, and for taking the time to let me know. Much love and light.
Thank you…I am 43 year old woman who has felt like I was the only woman in the world who felt the exact things you describe! I have a masters in SpEd, I am an and do well in my job…. But struggling with interpersonal relationships especially teachers. All this time I though I am a selfish, narcissist pretending to care about people….yet I feel deep empathy and can read others feelings especially children. I do not have the capacity to understand hatred or jealousy and it causes me pain. Thank you!!!!!
You are most welcome. And I am certain you make a fantastic teacher. Much love to you.
This is a great post. It doesn’t just apply to Aspie women, though… it applies to us, Aspie men, as well.
I agree. Some aspie men say spot on! Some say nooooo. It depends on the aspects of the man, I think. Just as NT’s have feminine sides, I think some aspie men are more in touch with the empathic, sensitive side than others. And then, also, rarely, there are females that feel more akin to the more aloof version of some aspie men.
Thanks for commenting. 🙂
My counsellor thinks I have Asperger’s and I am about to be tested… should I tell my friends? I am 14 and have literally all of the symptoms, I am finding it very hard to cope with at the moment
Please ask your counselor this question. He or she will know you and your situation much more than I do. If you are getting diagnosed you might go through many emotions; create a support system for yourself, if you can, and approach people you trust, who you know will be gentle, kind, and non-judgmental. My thoughts are with you. Much love.
I have been serching for a personnally written approach to understanding Aspergers. Your words are poetic, simpliistic and easilly diagestable. I want to print out what you have wrote for my own file- this is so me. The whole anxiety I have felt in the past is now making sence. I am easy going to a point then this happens. I remember when I was pregnat with my 5th child, my daughter Lydia i had these episodes were my heartrate would be as high as my inutero Lydia. My friend at church said it was anxiety because she had it and could see it in me. well I had to go to the doctors, wore a heart monitor and finally one morning I woke up early so I could plan my bussy day. I started thinking of all the things I had to do. First make breakfast,make my husband lunch, pack for bible study, make my shopping list and….my heart started pounding.There it was, people, leaving the house, hauling my 4 boys out of the house with me(oh, the things thing one, two, three and four will do!). So now I know why I feel the way I do and why my body reacts the way it does. and of course my children are all like me and this intensifies the way I feel. Coming home is more exciting that leaving! But we do need to get out. There is food that has to be bought, my husband just got off the phone with me questioning me about what we needed. And are we going to have an Easter dinner or not and by the way he was going to be making easter dinner. Ok I say, one less thing to worry about! But I will adventually go shopping after the first of the month! Then I try to buy all the food we need at once. This is kind of stressful, but means that we mostly have everything we need. Some times I will need some fruit, veggies and dairy. This is one area of my life that I have had to really work on. I started to figure it out when I was pregnaent and really tired and had no brian power at he end of the night. I needed to plan my meals and that made my life simpler. So what I am seeing is that our live are so out of control, but we do not know why. and then we figure it out and this releaves stress. Unless our spouce is constanltly trying to do it their way and this creates conflic, we do not do well with this.
So we try to figure them out to avoid this conflict. This is very complicated. I remember my husband saying I need to eat by 6. He was right, I learned that he got really grumpy- problebly low blood suragr. I learned not to talk to him until after he ate. Or in t he morning time.I spent alot of time not talking at all now that i think of it. I have most of my conversations in my head or think things out. He said to me the other day- I do not understand the way you think.
We were talking about chickens, were to put the coop, buying trees and the such while walking around. Well a couple of days later after making a list of what we needed and telling the chilldren dad said it was ok to gets chicks. I called serveral stores, read which chickens produced the most eggs and had calm personalities. We are in the car driving home with chicks. half way home I remember him saying look into the ordenances to make sure they allow chickens. Well they don’t, now I have to go to the Village Monthly meeting. I copied someone elses Proposal to Change the Chicken Ordinance and “please forward this to all board member!”….Do you think he was happy- no. Well here I am.I love animals, I love comunicating with them. I love growing plants, being outdoors and the like.
Thanks for writing this post. Please write more. Tell your story…Write a book I will buy it.
Thank you so much for sharing your world with me. Your comment is lovely ❤ I truly wish you the best life has to offer. Feel free to comment on other posts. Much love. Sam
I just wanted to let you know that with this article you wrote you gave me the answers i’ve been looking for all my life and there for changed is forever. You discribed me to a detail. Although not every detail because i still believe we all have our own special things. You came close to 98 procent.
I had childhood trauma caused by a sexual predator (my uncle) and like you wrote forget to tell anybody. And yes for many years I even felt sorry for the man.
I have sensory issues. I’ve been diagnosed PTSS, depression, postnatel depression, IBS, ADD, PMDD, anxciety disorder. Three times in my life i had a psychosis because of medication sensitivity. (prozac and diet pills with ephedrine in it) , hormonal epilepsy
I’m left handed, allergic to dust, chronic joint pain and muscle cramps, chronic fatique. Youthfull voice. I had numerous fixations. Writing, painting, doing research, reading etc. I’m a huge self critic.
I want to say so much more but i can’t. I have to come to accept now for who i am. There is a name for it with so much complexity in it as i am. I’ve found it. For as many years i could remember i’ve been making small lists of behavioures and repeating them on a daily basis over and over again so i’d remember how to behave.
My latest list, inspired by taoïsm and zen and it’s closest to heart is:
– to be in silent, serenity
– present inner peace
– be soft and bend
– self love
My mind is raising with all of the things i would like to say. I need to calm down i guess. My mother also had asperger. Undiagnosed but i recognise it. She is more the domestic queen type asperger. The way i dread cleaning. She had a life time fixation on hygiene, germs and cleaning.
Untill about last week since i first started reading about Asperger syndrome for women i thought i had some form of dementia. As a child and still i forget my keys. At school i used to always forget my books or got the scedule wrong. I have a lot of memory lapses. I then just can’t remember what i needed to do of where i left things.
I’m sorry about my grammar. I’m from the Netherlands.
My home is my refugee.
Thank you for making me feel i’m not alone. I can now focuss on acceptance and self love without a list. O, and i’m clumpsy. So very clumpsy.. 2 out o f 3 of my children also have asperger’s. Now i can finally help them..
I’m now fixating on reading every article on your website. I love it.
With love, Tam
I am crying. Thank you. I needed this today. You have helped me heal. We are so strong and brave. We have a purpose and a calling. We have a support group on Facebook if you are interested. Much love to you. It was like reading my life, your words. I have studied Eastern spiritual practices and am just now starting with taoism. Thank you for the gift of you. You have set me on my path again. 🙂
Thank you. I am 52 with undiagnosed aspergers and I have five children, all with diagnosed aspergers. Thank you for the best description of my innermost workings ever. I actually feel better now, not so alone and wondering why on earth I am feeling so awful at the moment. Debby.
What a journey you are on! You are never alone. Much love and many blessings to you and yours.
This article is absolutely amazing. I have never seen it spelled out like this. It gives me so much more insight into my daughter’s life and mind. The most uplifting part of reading the article was at the end where the author talks about having a master’s degree and a son. My daughter is just 9 years old, diagnosed with ASD at 5. She has all of the traits mentioned above and also some different ones including some OCD traits that were touched on. She still does not read or write, more out of refusal than having the cognitive ability. She is very clever and very particular. She always talks about when she drives and when she has her kids. One day she even talked about being able to support her child if it was “like her” as her father is diagnosed with Asperger’s himself. Sometimes I sit and wonder about my child and sometimes my heart breaks just a tiny bit when she talks about her future children as I sometimes can’t decide whether she will ever be able to form those types of relationships. You can hardly hug her and kissing is forbidden, I think to myself how will anyone ever be able to get so close to her?, my poor baby. I love her more than anything and what I wouldn’t give to make all of her dreams come true. I just have to continue on the journey of understanding and providing her with social opportunities she is not going to fail at. Sometimes being her Mother is the most heart wrenching thing in the world as I have to sit back and watch her fail again and again and again at social interaction and getting things right. Most times being her Mother is the best things that could have ever happened to me and teaching me new things about myself and society everyday. Thanks for investing your time and expertise in this blog. It really helps people. -Skye
Your powerful love for her is evident and clear. What a fortunate child to have you, and yes, indeed, she is your teacher. I wish you the very best. Thank you for sharing a part of your journey. Much love on the path to your greatness. ❤
So insightful! My heart leaps with joy when I read someone explaining how I feel and think and function on a daily basis, and how complex just “being” is for me! Thank you 🙂
And my heart leaps the same in reading your words. Thank you.
Until recently (like yesterday) I had no idea that women and girls presented differently with autism. I’m a teacher, with a masters degree and somehow never knew this. I see a lot of myself in the description. Not everything and not to all extremes but my childhood and the way I feel seems to make more sense now that I’ve read the traits. I’m not sure where to start honestly. I don’t know if I should see about talking to someone to see if I should be formally diagnosed or not. It’s not debilitating for me. I am just glad to know that there may be a reason for why I’ve been this way my whole life. I thought I couldn’t make friends and that I was shy. Now I’m thinking there’s more to it.
Yes, I know these feelings of “where to start” or “if to start at all.” This will be shown to you: your path and direction. Trust in your heart and may this new door lead to greatness and self-love. ❤
I nearly cried reading this, it just hits so close to home. I didn’t know another person could so succinctly and accurately describe and understand the experience of being a woman with Aspergers in a way that went beyond medical facts and statistics.
It’s only now that I look down the comments list and see how many of us had this same response it gives me comfort to know I’m not alone.
You are never alone. Much love to you, and thank you for the gift of your words.
Thank you so much for your insightful description. My daughter is 16 and in a very long diagnostic process for Aspergers. She is in an alternative education program for Anxiety and Panic Discorder and they are helping her enormously with her “odd” personality traits. I am more and more convinced it is Aspergers and have been trying to figure out how her brain works so I am not unintentionally making things more difficult for her. Your post has answered my prayer to understand her better. I have printed it out to show her and to get her feedback. So much of what you have written not only rings true, but explains the “odd” behaviour that we’ve been living with for so long, and gives me much better understanding about how to both live with her and help her. Being the engine that drives this whole train, from dealing with the doctors and the educators and the therapists, to arranging the testing and finding the experts, to dealing with my other daughter (who doesn’t yet understand) and the other family members (who don’t understand at all), to embarking on this whole new learning curve after the learning curve of anxiety and panic and doing it all as a single parent is exhausting, but you provide so many of the answers I have been looking for in this one post. You have saved me countless hours and much frustration of trying to piece things together and understand a non-typical Asperger’s kid who can’t explain her thinking because it is normal to her. Now I understand much more. You’ve turned on my light bulb of understanding her and opened the door that will enable us to move forward serving her needs. Thank you so much!
What courage and strength you have! Your daughter is blessed to have you at her side. I am glad I could help in any way. I wish you and yours all the best.
Amaze balls I cried reading this as myself n my mum n 2 girls have aspergers some are diagnosed some not…but wow you took the words right out of my mouth as meat loaf would say he he…i will be sharing this with ad many people as possible as it’s what I’ve been trying to explain for years!!!!!!! 🙂 love n light xx
Awe, bless you. Thank you for your gorgeous comment.
This is great. It expressed everything I have never been able to. Thank you.
You are most welcome
Great blog!
Joyce, please let me know what link you need. I was unable at this time to find the original message. Is it the support group? I will include that one here: https://www.facebook.com/samantha.craft.5?ref=tn_tnmn#!/groups/261412237267413/
I was shown this on FB recently by a SENCO at my daughters local school……thank you, a huge insite into our little girls head. She actually has a diagnosis os ASC but nearly all except no10 covers my daughter. I cried reading it to realise how confusing the workd must be to her and why when things get too much she withdraws from us all. She loves to sing and act, has a beautiful voice and is a very tallented artist. I have made as many people as I can think of aware of this article via FB but wd like to send it to her new SENCO at high school where she starts in September…….can I do that? The senco isnt on FB! su
Thank you. Yes, I ask that my blog address and name stay on the print out. If you look under the author contact you can order a hard copy from a psychology journal, as well. I can provide you with the number, if you’d wish. Also, you can send the link. I am honored that the words can help you and your daughter. Yes, it is hard, but there are moments of connection with the universe that are beyond words and reason. Your daughter will have the ability to bring people together, to spread joy and love, and make a difference in this world. Hold strong. She is fortunate to have your love. ❤
OMG, except for the cleaning thing (I do it for a living, and well), you nailed me! I am 46, and have suspected I’ve always been an Aspie Girl for about a year. Here’s my question, though: Do I just keep this to myself? I ask because my husband is convinced I’m not. I have an otherwise good relationship with him, but now I don’t want to discuss it further with him, because he’s not taking my suspicions that I do have Asperger’s seriously. I think my parents would look at me (I’m adopted) like I was being a drama queen with a new “illness”. It’s taken me 15 years to get everyone used to the idea that I do, in fact, have depression. Everyone gets that now. Would people knowing cause them to try and find out why I behave the way I do? Probably not. So, just keep it to myself and that’s enough?
That is an individual choice. I understand the conflict of thought about what to do. Do what your heart thinks feels right, honor yourself, your nature, and secrets can tear us apart. Best wishes. We have a support group under ‘about author page.’
Thank you for this. We are in the process of diagnosing aspergers in my 8 yr old son and have found similar tendancies in myself. Can a male manifest the same traits as a female? While I can identify with a some of the male traits, your blog and the female aspect rings truer for me.
Thank you again.
OH YES… and I know a very kind male aspergers grown man I can get you in touch with on facebook (see about author’s link and friend me) You are most welcome. It seems some males are more liken to the female traits :))) My son is 14 and doing well.
Thank you for this. It is explained so well. I recognize myself so much in all the mentioned points. I am a woman of 39 years old. I’ve been diagnosed with an autism disorder when I was 32 years old, and this after years of misdiagnoses, hospitalizations in psychiatry and so much medications.
May I post a link to your blog on my tumblr account?
Yes 🙂 and welcome sunshine! glad to meet you
What’s up everybody, here every one is sharing such familiarity, thus it’s pleasant
to read this weblog, and I used to go to see this webpage daily.
thank you
This was a great list! Well written!
thank you 🙂
I am in desperate need of help and am hoping you might be able to point me to some resources either here on your content-rich blog or elsewhere. My marraige of thirty years has suffered from dysfunction from what I assumed is my (formally diagnosed) ADD and bouts of mild depression. I’ve discovered through your blog and others, while researching a young relative’s Asperger diagnosis, that many of the behaviors exhibited by my wife that have mystified and confounded me may well be undiagnosed Asperger. There are magical moments when the locus of our combined malladies allow us to be well and truly one, but the intervening times can be trying, to put it mildly. Instead of guilt/shame/sadness, I’m think there actually may be hope for us, but I’m at a complete loss as to how to proceed, and VERY reticent to further damage an already shaky situation. I need some information on how to relate to and understand a person who experiences the world in this way, and perhaps how to better care for them and cultivate intimacy on any level. Hope you get this message.
Scott ~ Bless your heart. Your love is evident, as is your pain. Might I suggest you friend me under About Author page on facebook, and perhaps I can direct you to some people or support groups there that include men. Please feel free to friend me, as this isn’t the ideal venue for discussions of such concern. What I know helps me is no gluten. I drink coffee or green tea, maintaining a healthy eating life style — these all affect my mind. Begin here. From there, I find great comfort in my faith and Holy works. If your loved one reads, perhaps immerse her in words of love. Take away distractions and things that will bring her down: The news, stressors, expectations, anything negative. She must build herself up from the beginning; like a newborn; so treat her as so. There is no need to label her or make her see herself as somehow “flawed” by cllinging to this word: Aspergers; but use the words as a tool to find more resources. I hope something of what I have shared will help you; and she is fortunate to have you. There is so much hope and goodness with these times, and she will find her way. Remember this is all new for you, so feelings of overwhelmed thoughts and ideas are common. Breathe. Seek out WISE counsel; and steer clear of anything that does not resonate with your heart. There are wolves out there who profit off of suffering; so seek only the kind hearted, and they will guide you; if you are spiritual, might I suggest you seek counsel in the comfort of words yourself. Miracles are happening daily; and I know they shall for you.
This was very comforting to read and so much of what you wrote felt so familiar to me. I work with 6 adults with autism and aspergers, who are also deaf, sign language users – i find them easier to be around than anyone else I know, my partner included. My easiest day is when I’m on a late shift during the week and I get the morning at home alone then go to work ,do the sleep in and the next morning. I do love my partner and family very much, I really do, but being alone or being at work is the only place i never have to ‘be on my guard’ – i can just be.
I hear what you are saying. Much love to you on your journey. Thank you for your comment and for sharing.
This is Andy from UK. Met and married a beautiful girl of 23 when I was 55, but still very strong physically and mentally. She had a few tantrums and made a few bizarre claims, and we soon has 2 beautiful kids. When the boy was 3 he started to FREEZE, about doing things involving other people, and could not go into school or reply to me or teachers or kids. We persevered, but at 5 he was frozen much of the day. The daughter, 2 years older was OK. My wife had a few tantrums about really stupid things and kept running away for a few days. A top child psychiatrist spent a full week with the boy and diagnosed Aspergers, so I started reading and learning. When he was 9, it was hopeless to have him in school, and i was retired and could teach him EVERYTHING at home, but my wife was fighting me on every aspect of life and spent months away from us alone. Then i saw the killer article, telling me that Aspergers in boys starts at 3, but in girls starts at 10. It is on the X chromosome, so father cannot pass it to his son, so it came from my wife. Therefore she also has it, and I now see my daughter has it from her mum too. My boy is X* Y, where the X* means a bad gene on the X chromosome. A healthy female is X X and an affected female X* X. Life is very very hard for me now. My boy is very clever, and he learns fast from me, but has no friends. i am the only person he talks to. I hold his hand, tousle his hair, stroke his cheeks etc to keep his affection and loyalty. That is really helpful. My girl is now 11 and becoming very isolated; no fiends, locked in her room, still at school. Her future worries me. My wife gives me HELL. Tiny things like an untidy table have made her disappear many times for 5 to 60 days. When she is angry, she becomes very psychotic, accusing me of endless crazy crimes. Last week, she told me I am a woman, so I gave the kids the X chromosomes, that my boy is a girl, my daughter a boy and my wife is a man. She can go into screaming and punching mode in 10 seconds. She tells lies 90% of the time, even things like if she has eaten, or if the weather is good. If she says it is warm, then i say it is warm, she attacks me for saying that. Every time I speak, she interrupts me loudly, disagrees violently with my words, even if I only say “Maybe next week-end, we could all ……… ” and she never listens to one word I say except 3-6 words to attack. She tells all her friends and family i am violent, cheating, lying, stealing, lazy. All false, but of course her family believe every word. Everything I try to do to help the situation is strongly attacked and blocked if possible. My best plan has been to stop talking to her. Even if she asks me a simple question, I just leave the room and do not reply. Since she never listens, she does not realise i never reply any more. She sleeps separately, tells me she hates me, that ASpergers does not exist (and also it all came from me!). I must stand by them all, and treat my wife as a patient, not a bad person … very very hard! I try to generate constant love, which is great with my boy, helps with my girl, and is useless with my wife. She is in “DENIAL” and very determined to prove she does not have Aspergers, so refuses to talk about it for one second. If I try, she runs away for a week. All Aspergers boys must have an Aspergers mum, which really makes things much much worse. the one person you hope can help will make it much worse. You could never find a man better than me at coping with these 3. I am educated to PhD, strong, lively confident, loving and determined, but I must say my whole life is a nightmare now. I am always happy to email with people in a similar situation. Remember how it looks for the dad, the mum and all the kids. They all get a different perspective. Good Luck to you all. Dr Andy
It sounds like your children couldn’t have a better father. It’s heart-warming to hear that they have such a stable and wise parent.
This is going off of very little information of course, but have you considered that maybe your wife may have Bipolar disorder or something? I am fairly certain that I am a female aspie, and I have been diagnosed with Bipolar type II. I’ve read some things here and there that said there is a comorbidity between them. I have a very good friend who is fellow female apsie and has bipolar disorder. She has had psychotic episodes in the past. Some of your wife’s behaviors that you’ve described remind me of my own behaviors toward my family (albeit much more mild, and also I’m 21, so, different life circumstances), and since my bipolar diagnosis and subsequent medication I’m feeling a lot less like that. The ones that stood out to me were being easily irritated by things like a small mess; saying something and my mom saying the exact same thing in agreement and them me feeling the need to contradict her; and other uncontrollable bursts of anger. Really all of that anger just came from feeling so misunderstood and feeling like everyone else was stupid because they didn’t understand what I was going through in my mind, and the vicious cycle of alienation that ensues. Of course, those feelings and behaviors could also probably be the consequence of the asperbergs, not necessarily bipolar disorder, although in my experience, I think it had to do with the bipolar disorder.
You’ve probably already considered these options before, but just in case it helps in any way, I thought I’d throw it out there!
Excellent observations and response Pearl. Andy, I agree with Pearl that your kind heart is very evident in regards to your wife; I sincerely hope you find some help for you and yours. I wish there was more I could offer you. I think that in sharing you will have helped others. Thank you.
Andy – my brother is schizophrenic, and it is very likely my mother and her brother have some undiagnosed mental illness. When my family began to implode in a way that I could no longer support their madness and maintain my own quality of life, I discovered a family support class that changed everything. I’d advise you to seek out a class in your area. Try nami.org for
more information. I think NAMI is in the US but is affiliated with an international counterpart. What you are describing about your wife sounds like any number of illnesses which may be treatable through medication, however the person has to have insight to know to get the treatment. The lack of insight is seen as denial, but to her it is all real; so it is actually lack of awareness. Anyway, the things you describe are very familiar but it is not up to me to guess what the situation may be. I do think you may be able to improve your own well being if you seek out this course, which is also a family support group modeled after AL ANON (for families of alcoholics). Your children may also be suffering from life with an unstable parent. I grew up in an absolutely insane household and to this day I do not know if I am aspergers/ADHD or a normal person with PTSD who had to learn what normal was over time. Who knows, but I do have a number of aspie friends (ranging in age from 18 to 60) who have all found their way in life and are highly functional adults with jobs and homes – so keep at it with the children and find ways to improve you quality of life.
🙂 thank you for offering support; so much thanks, indeed. xo
reply to a vision ….. thanks for that. Email if you like. I can see the interactions like bipolar, PMT, ADHD, denial etc but I cannot get her to see anybody! If I beg her so gently, she goes crazy at me and disappears for a week. i will wait for a good time, and try again, but that is my main barrier. Thanks Andy
WOW. So sorry about your wife.
I halfway wonder if she really doesn’t JUST have Asperger’s. I, being an Aspie myself, have a tendency to lose my temper and retreat from stress-inducing situations. However— WHAT IS SHE DOING TO YOU????? From what I’ve read, she doesn’t even TRUST you, not one single bit. Yes, I have to hide myself from my family, for fear of hurting their feelings. But I NEVER just think that they are all just wicked little witches to be burned.
****also I wanted to add: thank you for the information about asp being X-linked!!! I never knew that, and I am glad to know it now. Where did you find this information? I’d like to read up on it.
Thanks!!
First, i am lost about how this site works. Can you illuminate me (and others?)
When I click on the REPLY box, it ALWAYS gives me a box saying REPLY TO PEARL MERCURY, so how can I reply to anybody else’s blogs?
Next, I can’t find how to post another blog to follow up on questions raised in other people’s replies.
Next, am i allowed to give my email address in a blog? i am happy to do that.
You can find out about X-linked Aspergers by typing Aspergers X linked and read loads of things. First, note that it is a slightly cloudy area, so that many statements can be variable, but here is the main idea.
We all get one of each of chromosomes 1 to 23 from our mum, and another set of 23 from dad. the 23rd chromosome is the SEX chromosome. I am a man, so I am XY. My wife is XX. A woman can only give an X to her egg, so either X. If the man’s sperm has his X, the baby will be XX, a girl. If his sperm has a Y, the baby with be XY, a boy.
Now suppose (like me) your SON has Aspergers, which starts to show at 3 years old. he is X* Y where X* is an X chromosome with the Aspergers Gene. Dad gave the Y, so mum gave the X*, so the mum MUST carry the Aspergers gene (Be careful about telling the mum!) If that woman is X* X her daughters will be 50% X* X and 50% XX normal. An X* X girl is Ok at first, with a normal X to work for her, but at age 10, the X* starts to kick in, and then she will become an ASPIE-girl. Aspie girls are totally different from boys. The gene interacts with female hormone systems, so my little girl had boobs at 10, menstruations, moods and is already spending all her time alone in her room, refusing to talk, never coming out, eating in there, and snapping at me if i go near “What do YOU want?”
My wife is a bigger problem … much further down that road, so well documented in this site. Always aggressive, dishonest, loses control, attacks me for tiny things like a dirty knife, and for the dreaded 3 days per month, she explodes (22nd of every month last year!), leaves home, makes nightmare accusations, and appears to have no knowledge of them a week later. Accuses me of doing all that, so will never meet a doctor.
People think Aspie BOYS are more severe. My boy would never go in school, never speak, or listen, or read or write, play, swim, walk. But I decided to pull him out of school permanently, and do home-schooling, with me doing academics and a girl I met on a mountain top doing the other half. That is sweet perfection. We all love it, and he is roaring ahead now. Plans to bring social interaction later. he is 10 now. i should have done it 5 years ago!
Females are harder to diagnose, but MUCH more difficult to help!
i will put this up for others to read, but I should perfect my facts first! i have a PhD in biochemistry, but that is not enough.
My email is andygudgy@gmail.com
Tell me if you got that email address, and answer my questions at the top if you can. Good Luck
this is my blog; everyone else is a visitor. If you want to talk to them, reply under their name; they may or may not see it, depending on if they have notifications set up or not. Sorry if this is confusing. It’s not a community forum really; more a place to comment to the author of the blog, but people felt called to talk to you. Hopefully they will see your email. All the best. Sam
If you have a child with Aspergers it is VERY important to know the difference between boys and girls. (I wrote these above).
But for BOTH, you need to show immense LOVE, partly to gain credibility in later years, when you need to advise them. Here are some ideas which MUST make you “World’s best mum, or world’s best dad”. Nothing less is good enough.
Read to them at bed-time every night. My kids insisted on science encyclopedias, joke books etc and refused fairy stories etc. Then TALK to them.
Every single time you pass them at home, tousle their hair. Many times every day, stroke their cheeks, nose, ears, shoulders, hands, arms, knees, then the hair again. “I love you” 10 times every day.
Take them camping, sleep on the floor of their room, let them sleep on your floor or in your bed. Let them get up for a midnight feast and join them. Swim with them. Go on a walk or climb. Go out in the pouring rain. Let them splash you in the bathroom, rain or from a puddle. Take them to watch films. Make a photo album of funny photos of you all. Take them to ride horses, go on boats, to theme parks and go on the rides WITH them. Get candy floss (cotton candy). Go to a cafe and only have desert, ice cream and more desert. Rules are for other people. Go to the local shop in pyjamas. Talk in a funny voice. Play board games and always LOSE! Play cards. Do jig-saws.
Then, you will be King-of-the-castle and you can guide them through life. andygudgy@gmail.com
Lovely. Thank you. ❤
Sam … if i reply to one person individually, will it still go on public display?
everything is public here; if there is something you want private you might ask them to friend you on facebook or respond in email. If there is anything you want me to delete, let me know. :0)
*I want to write a more precise essay about genetics and boy-girl differences, when I feel I am more fully informed. There are some grey areas. I am in tears here every day with this burden I do not deserve. I am crying with every blog I put in, but there is so much to learn and teach. It seems most people do not know about X-linkage. Every Aspie boy has an Aspie mum. The dads need to know that!
Aspie boys should NOT go to school!
* *I will emigrate back from Manila to Sheffield, UK next year. There, I will create an Aspie Boy support group. I will teach the academic stuff .. physics, chemistry, biology, maths, French and German, and the mums will do social interactions, a group of maybe 6-8 boys around 12 yrs old. Mums will do football, camping, games, competitions, trips, films, photos, origami, jigsaws, cooking, baking, swimming, hiking etc to help them to mix and interact.
* *When it is up and running, I hope people will copy it.
* *I am printing some of the contributions now, for my wife to read tonight. Oh oh oh I wish she would BELIEVE me! * *Every single aspect is describing her, but she still thinks it’s me!
* *Dr Andy
* *No, it’s NOT me!*
On Wed, Apr 24, 2013 at 11:07 AM, Everyday Asperger’s wrote:
> ** > Aspergers Girls commented: “everything is public here; if there is > something you want private you might ask them to friend you on facebook or > respond in email. If there is anything you want me to delete, let me know. > :0)”
Wonderful. I love how you are going to make a difference. ❤
Thank you so much! You’re blog has helped me so much!
Huge hugs and huge amounts of light to you!!!
Hi Sam,
Thank you for your insightful view. My son has Aspergers and my family are convinced that I do aswell (I have not been assessed). I struggle to maintain my own relationships/ friendships and finding the correct advice to give my son on the subject daunting. I have observed and analyses others behaviors for as long as I can remember. People come to me for relationship advice and advice in general. Yet in my own life I struggle.
Welcome. and thank you for sharing. You are not alone, that is for certain. 🙂 the best to you
So well written. Thank you for sharing and helping me understand my seven year old daughter who I celebrate her. I know she struggles but keeps going.
A reblogué ceci sur Histoires du Lac.
Well written and by the way it all sounds like pretty normal human behaviour to me. love you
That is interesting that it sounds normal to you; I think that there are elements many people can relate to. Thank you for sharing, and a pleasure to meet you. xo Sam
BEAUTIFUL STORY: When my boy was 9, I knew he could not stay in normal school any longer. He was only staring at the floor, never reading, writing, listening or speaking. Luckily, I teach all major subjects up to age 18, so I decided to do home-schooling to “rescue” his education. Like many Aspergers kids, he is very clever, but cannot achieve social interaction. So, to strengthen our bond, i decided to take him camping for the week-end, and sleep on a big mountain peak. We reached the top as it went dark, put the tent up, cooked dinner on a little fire, and went to bed. Then a group of 3 sweet little girls arrived, all aged 24 but under 5 feet, and asked to put their tent near ours, as there was no other flat land. They just said hello to us for 5 minutes and put their tent up in the dark. We went to sleep. Great feeling, sleeping on a mountain with my precious little guy. Half an hour later, my boy sat up in his sleeping bag, and i just watched. then he got out of it and opened the tent door. then he went to the other tent and woke them up. This is the boy who never speaks to anybody except me! One girl came out to talk, so I went back to sleep, very puzzled. EIGHT HOURS later, I woke up to hear loud laughing. My boy and the girl had talked all night, chatting, fooling, telling jokes, playing tricks, and everybody’s eyes were out on stalks watching his antics. What the heck was this? So i took the girl’s mobile number, then texted her to get her email, then sent an email to ask what happened. She didn’t know, so i invited her to lunch next Sunday and the next. Each time, the same … 4 hours of non-stop excited chattering. So I asked her about a plan. She had no training or degree; she just worked in a call center 9 hours per night, all night, 6 nights a week for 350 US$ a month (here in Manila). I said: “Stop your job there and teach my boy at home, daytime only, 2 hours a day, and double your pay to 700 US$. She agreed and I pulled him out of school next day (School is 2000 US$ a month!). It is just amazing to watch them. I had to DRAG him to school, DRAG him to the classroom, but now he paces up and down the hall, waiting for his beloved tutor, always asking me how long she will be. She often stays many hours longer than we ask, because they are inseparable. So I teach him Maths, Physics, Chemistry, Biology, and the girl does everything interactive: reading, watching DVD documentaries on science & nature, followed by little work-sheets, origami, model-making, jig-saws, painting, drawing, English grammar & writing, bits of history & geography, swimming, walking. Everything she does is aimed at developing his INTERACTIVE skills, with her and others. She was BORN to do this, and i will sponsor her later to study to be a teacher. But …. WHY DID THIS HAPPEN? Why did my boy wake up like that and go to dig her out in the night? We never knew, but now we know! Everybody reading these blogs MUST give an hour or two to watching Tony Attwood’s series:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TVU4mD1DS0g and then click on the others at the right. He is amazing. In one of his chats, he told us that Aspergers kids have that ANIMAL instinct of knowing INSTANTLY who likes them … you know how a big dog will run to two people, jump and slather on one, a cower from the other? Lick one and growl at the other. The one it jumps on is a dog-lover. the one it growls at is scared of dogs (That’s me, folks!) and the dig KNOWS in a second. Well, Tony Attwood knows that Aspergers kids have that instinct too, and my boy knew in a flash that the girl in the next tent was a special person to him, so he went and woke her up in the night to make friends. He found his own saviour! Now I look back and remember three times when he was 6 to 8, and we went into a fast food restaurant to eat at a table, and he went to a different table, sat with a different family, and entertained them for half an hour, ignored us completely, and had everybody laughing. Aha, Dr Tony …. now we understand why! So watch out for those events …. maybe YOU can find great contacts for your kids by letting them do the finding? In the next room now, my boy and his beloved tutor are making a big hammer out of paper and cardboard, giggling and learning so many tricks. Such a lovely noise. My email is andygudgy@gmail.com welcome to make contact.
In hundreds of blogs and articles i have read, i cannot remember even ONE piece of advice for handling Aspergers in a close relative or other. i saw many comments like “Nothing you can do” or “It will never change” and “It’s in their GENES for ever”. Even our terrific educational psychiatrist expert, who diagnosed my boy, ended her long conclusion chat like that. Hey, we must NEVER lie down and give up! So can people try to chip in with good ADVICE here, for how to do better with sons, daughters, mums, dads, wives, husbands. Between us, we MUST have good ideas to pass on to others! i will do mine next week. Dr Andy andygudgy@gmail.com
Hi!I have a tumblr http://finoqui.tumblr.com/ and i have copied your blog and said it is yours, so more people can read it, i know some aspergers read me, i am too. Thank you so much for this 🙂 helped my girl and some friends to get me better since i have problems expressing my feelings. THANK YOU 🙂
PS: if you want me to delete what i copied from here, just tell me, i didnt mean to make it look mine, the work is yours and i said so htere 🙂
Thank you very much. So kind of you and nice to hear from you. 🙂 I am happy I was able to help in some way. Much love and best wishes. 🙂 I do ask if anyone copies the work it is only the first part, 1/4 and then the rest links back as it is copyright protected. I hope that is okay. thanks ~ Sam
Reading this floors me.. It is almost like this was written about me.. 🙂 thank you it helps in more ways than you know
Super. :)))) Thank you bunches ❤
I didn’t write much in my last reply as there is so much to say… This really hit home… My life has always been so hard.. To make friends is very difficult… When someone ask me how my day is everything floods out , when I meet someone I tell my horrible life story.. It just floods out and I can’t seem to stop myself… It’s so horrible because people think that I just want people to feel sorry for me.. This is not the case.. My high amount of honesty has affected so much in my life.. I’ve always been naive and believe what people told me.. Men.. Everything that they say I have believed and end up in mess after mess… I think I have gone knumb now.. It has taken 40 yrs to get here… Everything hurts so much.. I feel to much, and far to deep.. When I hurt.. I hurt to the deepest core of my soul.. When I am happy, I am walking on clouds.. There is no in between.. My hearing isn’t as good as it use to be.. There was a time that I could hear a phone ring when it was shut off.. Buzzing noises drove me crazy.. Loud noises I couldn’t stand .. I hate the sound if a phone when it rings or an alarm and even a door bell… Loud music is too much.. And people’s screams put me on the floor in fetal positions and makes me cry so hard I cannot breath.. When people are upset at me I feel it so hard.. It hits me like a tun if bricks.. Almost a year ago a friend if mine was disappointed in me.. I cried so hard that day and all day.. She says I new to grow some balls.. How do I do that ??? I don’t want anyone angry with me.. And I cannot fathom the thought of hurting anyone.. I could smell things most people couldn’t .. People thought I was crazy until I proved what I was smelling… In school I was an honour student until I was moved across Canada and everything changed.. I ended up not finishing school.. I took half of a paralegal course an had a 4.0 average but was unable to finish.. The students called me a female nerd.. I am really hard on myself when I am taking a course.. I tend to get really upset at myself when I score anything less then a 98.. I cannot handle going to people’s homes.. I get a huge bubble inside and just want to run.. I usually sit pretty quiet an even though I’ve been invited I don’t feel part of the group, I’m scared to talk cause I always use myself as an example or end up talking about myself too much, I do t feel like I fit in.. There has been times all I do is sit and watch everyone.. I’d rather me home where I am safe an sound.. I hate going anywhere for fear something bad night happen.. When I have to go to crowded places I get nervous and panic.. I’ve even had dizzy spells and blacked out in crowded places.. When I was in school I wa always the kid watching everyone play but I was rarely the child playing.. Was always shy.. If I teacher changed her tone I would start crying.. I tend to take people too literally.. The things they say.. Most times I don’t get a joke.. I fake a laugh cause I don’t want people to thing that I’m stupid cause I don’t get it.. When people talk to me I go into a daze.. I shake my head, fake a smile, pretend I know what they are saying.. I’m obsessive in research.. If there is a subject that strikes me.. I search and search until something else comes along that I delete need to know everything about.. I cannot handle chaos.. Even when it comes to cleaning .. Most times I dont know where to begin, or sometimes seems too much.. When I start cleaning I can’t stop myself.. Then I get annoyed when there is a piece of dirt, or a spot.. I tend to go and go and go.. The next day I pay for it.. I end up in so much pain and too tired to cope.. When I drink coffee it has to be a certain cup, or when I eat I got through the forks, spoons and knives to get the right one.. It annoys me when towels and face clothes are folded wrong.. I’m far too kind.. I tend to take critism far to personally.. One of My bosses tried to give me some critism and I started bawlling.. It was horrible.. I hate being lied to or people who steals.. I have no room in my life for people like that and no patience for it.. It makes me very angry inside.. I have a very difficult time understanding people .. My best subjects in school was math and English.. Always had poor concentration.. When people talk, or laugh or noises are around me I tend it get distracted and lose my focus.. I’ve never been able to hold a job more than a few months ..
My 12 year old daughter was diagnosed about a year and a half ago with asperger syndrome, severe OCD, anxiety and ADHD.. When the psychiatrist asked me research Aspergers I couldn’t believe what I was reading.. It was all 5 of my kids and so strongly me.. My youngest was diagnosed with asperger traits and ADHD as I was diagnosed with ADHD and a counsellor said I had asperger traits.. I’m awaiting a full evaluation.. I am in the process of writing out what my life has been life as it is easier to write than get my words straight when I speak.. My writing is very deep.. And I use to write a lot of poetry to express myself.. These days it’s as though I have lost interest.. I don’t know what the point is anymore because no one seems to want to hear me nor care how I feel anyways.. 😦 To the mom who asked about being an aspie mom.. My children are my world and every breath I take is for them.. I love them with everything in me but yes I don’t feel completely attached as I should.. Like something is missing.. They are my responsibility to do the best I can to raise them and to keep them safe.. It’s hard to explain.. I love my grandchildren but mostly from a distance although I love seeing them and hugging them and kissing them for a few moments.. But they are my babies, babies.. So therefore they are a part of me.. But still.. Something even more is missing.. I can’t explain it.. I have no attachment to my father, very little to my mother and brothers.. My three what I call best friends I love them dearly, but something is missing, and I feel a detachment there.. A feeling I just cannot explain.. It’s easier being alone at the same time I hate being alone and feel extremely lonely but when people are around I’m anxious at the same time.. I have a boyfriend that has made some crappy comments.. Wen I spoke of marriage he told me that I was living in a fairy tale world.. He also stated “what makes you so different ? So honest and so pure !!” I was lost for words.. His son is being treated for autism and severe ADHD.. I know my guy has ADHD but I strongly believe he has autism too.. But he is so different from me.. He lacks empathy completely, he is cold the way he thinks, he acts so righteous and above everyone else, and everything has to run the way he wants and the way he thinks.. It’s become too much for me as we are too opposite.. Then there is me.. I am a thinker, and I know that I over think things.. The way I think things are or should be is not even close to how he thinks.. We are the same too in a way that when we do things it’s always for a reason.. There is a reason for everything.. As much as I hate social scenes I do like to get out sown times .. But he doesn’t go anywheres unless its important.. We have had 2 dates in 3 years.. Unless its fishing which we both love.. He lives in a bottle when he isn’t working then he becomes happy.. But it’s easily turned into bitterness where he says things he doesn’t even remember and becomes when colder … He hates the fact that I am book smart and not hands on like him.. For myself I like to be in control of who I am so therefore I am not a big drinker and I don’t use substance.. It really sucks that I don’t have anyone to relate to, or that I am misunderstood.. I am kind and a good person.. I’m just different :o(
Sorry about the mis spelling.. Writing from an iPhone 🙂
k_mcquinn@live.ca
You’re right, Kimberly, there’s always a reason for our behavior. Is that part of our social problem? Evidently, the ‘others’ don’t need a reason to do or say something. Sometimes, I think they’re slightly insane.
Lol.. I feel that lots when I sit back an listen to people.. I cannot even begin to fathom how People think, or why they act the way they do .. I sometimes wonder if I am the only normal person I know.. 🙂
I would like to add a couple more things.. When I was 24 I was diagnosed with chronic fatigue, at around 30 I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia. And been treated in and off for depression.. I also really struggle with insomnia.. I have a question.. Has anyone here that has Aspergers ever have sleep paralysis??
thank you for sharing
I am a bit puzzled why nobody includes an email address with their chat. It would be so precious if other people can contact you if they have the same problems. It means you get comfort from knowing other people have gone through the pain; it gives you an “escape friend” and it lets you exchange advice. Maybe more of you can include email addresses? Dr Andy Gudgeon andygudgy@gmail.com
My mother-in-law lives with us. At present, she has an illness requiring 3 different meds at staggered times, and using my super-Aspie ability to mimic, for a time, the behavior needed, I’m a very good nurse, cheerful, concerned, encouraging. Exhausting for me, reassuring for her. She’ll be confused, later, when she’s well, and I’m cold and withdrawn, as usual. I’ve tried to explain to her. ‘Really moody’ seems to be her conclusion.
My mother understands it as a velcro analogy: social interactions are velcro, and Aspies are missing a few (or a lot of) loops. My father, whose family provided my personality, doesn’t think it needs explaining. He himself is certainly not an Aspie, but odds are his mother, brother, and sister were/are. To him, I’m just like his sister, and he likes that. Aspies who are accepted for themselves within family no doubt have it easier, even if they have no friends outside family. I’ve had three in nearly 60 years, married one of them 32 years ago.
Some people don’t feel comfortable putting an email out to the public, as anyone, including spammers, can have access. One option people do is friending people on Facebook. 🙂
Thank you for writing this. I suspect my daughter is an aspie. We actually have her 1 st dr. Appt in about an hour to try to get her dx. This helps me get a glimps into her world and I greatly appreciate it.
You cover a lot of ground in your post. I have AS and I definitely have many of these traits.
This almost made me cry – thank-you SO much for writing this. I’ve always known I was “different” and have suspected Aspergers for a while, but as a female, I don’t totally fit the stereotypical MALE Aspie “criteria.” I couldn’t have written this any better myself – every single word was right on. Is it okay if I print it off (with your name on it, of course!) to have on hand? I NEED to bring this to a psychiatrist for them to read!!
Thank you for this. I am the mother of a 16 year old boy with Aspergers and now suspect that my 18 year old daughter also has Aspergers. Reading your list, I can see her in every one of your descriptions. She is being tested next week and hopefully we can get some answers. She struggles just to get through the day. I am printing this out and showing it to her. As she was growing up, it was not uncommon for her to “disappear” into her books. She would frequently take on the persona of the characters. I really didn’t understand it, but reading your list, I can kind of understand a little better. Again, thank you so much!
Thank you Sam. Reading this has opened my eyes. You have described my daughter perfectly, in every way. And when I saw your picture, I see now that she is your twin. Unbelievable. Amazing. Thank you for sharing your expertise. I will live by this and learn from this so that I can be a better mother to my wonderful 15 year old daughter, who takes my breath away daily. I hope for her to find some peace and some of what you describe as who she is, how to embrace it.
Thank you.
Meg
All I could think of while reading this article was “OH!…Shit.” At least I’m not invalid for not having a driver’s license. Woo
I am an aspie. And this is the first time i have ever read anything that so perfectly described me. Reading this made me feel not so alone. And really just made me happy. I hope to have all of my loved ones read it so as to maybe understand me just a lil. Thank you so much for writing this! I truly loved it!!!
I’m an Aspie girl (well if you can call 23 a girl). Veyr relatable post except for number 1 and parts of number 3. But then we don’t all conform to every aspie trait do we 🙂
Someone else who gets the driving thing! 😀 I have tried to learn to drive several times and I know how too but just can’t put it all together. I prefer freeway to around town, there is less to think about with gear changes and indicating etc etc
It is so nice to know that I am not the only one who feels this way!! I can relate to almost every trait!
Thanks for this! I can relate to all you said, and practically everything else that I have recently read about – especially female – Aspies. Such a revelation: my “alien” life described right from the childhood to the present!
I’m 38 now and despite of being highly academic and quite happily married I still feel like a complete teenager inside, somehow so immature emotionally and having all these social insecurities and quirks that make normal everyday life so exhausting. Until I read about Aspergers I thought everybody had these issues concerning e. g. “correct” eye contact or feeling panicked over a normal lunch meeting with a friend, not to mention a friend visiting…! I thought that everybody just tries to act normal as I do… I also have certain problems with my memory; my head is packed with almost painfully vivid images from the past mixed with all the problematizing that is constantly going on (it’s one reason for my deepening exhaustion and anxiety, even though it may sound funny) but my working memory is really lousy, unless I’m really interested in the issue at hand – then it works just perfectly.
During the last five years or so, I’ve been struggling with the question whether to have children or not, wondering why I just can’t go for it like the others (I’ve never had any maternal instincts, it’s like a block missing from my brain!). It seems I’m never going to make it, considering my age, and I’m sure my Aspie traits have a lot to do with this problem of somehow “wanting to want” but not just being able to really want a family, or being able to imagine oneself as a parent in addition to the chaotic mess of being just myself.
I can relate to what you are struggling with. I am 44 now and have 14 year old twins that are an absolute joy in my husbands’ and my life.
We struggled to get pregnant. I was disappointed, but philosophical about it. I knew my husband was more disappointed than he was letting on. Anyway, long story short, I eventually did fall pregnant. My twins were born premature and were sent straight to the neonatal ICU – where they stayed for almost 2 months. Whether it was the fact that we had to obey the medical staff instructions of when you could touch or hold one of the babies, or whether it was my Asbergers (which has not officially been diagnosed, but after reading this blog, along with other recent research, I have no doubt I am), but I felt emotionally unattached to my babies – disconnected. I think part of me couldn’t grasp that they were real and that they were my babies. Part of me felt that there had been so much intervention – from the assistance getting pregnant, to the bed rest and medical care needed whilst I was pregnant, to the neonatal ICU – that I did not/could not feel they were mine. It was only when they were at least 3 years old that I could honestly know for sure that I was bonded with them.
I loved them and did absolutely everything that one should from the very beginning. To any onlooker I was fully engaged. I wondered if anyone ever felt like I had? I never found anyone who could relate – other than those with post-partum depression (which I didn’t have).
I desperately wanted to succeed at being a parent (I was terrified that I wouldn’t measure up, would be a failure at parenting), because truth be told, I wasn’t very interested or motivated by spending time with children. I worked very hard at parenting. I read up on parenting, sought real, sustainable answers to difficulties we were experiencing in our parenting – and in the process I was fascinated by every stage of childhood development as my children grew. I became very knowledgable about every aspect of parenting; navigating through the education system with a child with learning disabilities – and along the way I helped lots of other families by sharing my knowledge and insights.
I hope that my sharing helps you as you wrap you head around this important juncture – regarding having kids or not. I adore my children. I love spending time with them. I love hearing their insights and perspective on the world.
If I hadn’t struggled with a high functioning, smart child who was eventually diagnosed with ADD and dyslexia/dysgraphia, I may never have discovered the mystery of my own childhood: about 8 months ago I was diagnosed with ADD, which really helped to explain my painful school/childhood memories. Asbergers is often co-morbid with ADD – Which is yet another piece of the puzzle.
Just one other quick comment regarding you comment:
“my working memory is really lousy, unless I’m really interested in the issue at hand – then it works just perfectly.”
Me too! From what has been explained to me about my son, and what I have read regarding ADD, problems with working memory are common in those with ADD. I find it very difficult to hold new, complex thoughts reliably in my head, however, so long as there is a hook into something that interests me and I have some understanding of, it seems that my WM works just fine too! When I was younger, I just felt stupid. I have painful memories from school days when I was ridiculed in class for being “like a deer in the headlights” when I was asked a complex question in class and my working memory failed me. I used to blush, which would bring on more ridicule. I shudder when I recall those days!
A follow-up: I recently had a meeting with a neuropsychiatrist, specialized in autism. She said that I am a typical example of a very intelligent (ahem…) female Aspie who has been able to cope with problems by mimicking and finding other creative solutions… According to her, at first glance I appeared neurotypical, but after having a long discussion with me (and having read my life story) she said she had no doubt whatsoever; I definitely am an Aspie. So yes, that once again confirms what has been said of girls and women with Aspergers… They are going to make tests in order to create a more detailed picture of my traits; I hope that will help me in the future in dealing with my numerous (but successfully hidden!) problems – and also strengths. I’m relieved, of course, but also a bit sad: the diagnose confirms that there’s really no hope of “getting better”, no medication or psychotherapy to make my troubles go away…
This is me. 100%. Except numbers. I really don’t like numbers.
🙂
I don’t deal well with math, numbers are kinda scary for me!
You have described my 5 year old daughter (with some exceptions on adult things). Today, in a very casual, as-a-matter-of-fact, kind of conversation. She told me she sees numbers in colors. She proceeded to tell me there colors. What do I do with this information? How do I help her be her best? No one. Not even her therapists understand or see what I and her dad see. I can’t find one written thing that tells me how to be the best mother for her.
What do I do when she is ignoring the little girl that has come over to play with her at the playground? Oh. So many scenarios. So many questions.
might I suggest you look at the about author page and join our support group. almost all females with aspergers and they would be glad to help you
This is amazing. It gave me a little more of an explanation on why I want/need/do things. Thanks for posting this
/)/)
(^.^)
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🙂
My daughter is 22 years old and has been misdiagnosed since age 12. It has been just over a week since we realized that she has Asperger’s. Reading your blog has been a miracle in our lives. Thank you so much!
Hi Kelly, I am a guy in UK, and have a son of 10 and a daughter of 11. Both have Aspergers. With a son, it seems very very likely it came from his mum, my wife, which means she also has it. My daughter also has it. Looking the other way, if a boy has it, the mum nearly always has it, but a girl can get it from either parent, or even from womb influences. i have studied it soooo much, and would be happy to email with you about it. andygudgy@gmail.com
Thank you for taking the time to write this. Our daughter is almost 9 and after reading something about how aspergers presents differently in girls, and what that may look like, it hit us suddenly that this is who our daughter is. As I read through this I see so much of my daughter in here and even aspects of underlying feelings that we hadn’t realized but now makes perfect sense.
It’s like climbing inside her head and finally getting a glimpse of what she feels and struggles with yet stuggles to explain. She seems constantly in battle with what she wants to do and feel and what her mind will allow her to do and feel.
Hi Sonia, I am a guy in UK, and have a son of 10 and a daughter of 11. Both have Aspergers. With a son, it seems very very likely it came from his mum, my wife, which means she also has it. My daughter also has it. Looking the other way, if a boy has it, the mum nearly always has it, but a girl can get it from either parent, or even from womb influences. i have studied it soooo much, and would be happy to email with you about it. andygudgy@gmail.com
To be honest, i can’t thank you (and the universe) enough to be there with this article.
Currently I’m in a rather troublesome situation on my job due to my rather ‘skewed’ nature to the team I was assigned to. This article helped me to understand myself better since so many of the traits are in me.
I have never been going to a psychologist/psychiatrist, but ever since i was 11 I knew I’m a bit different than my peers, but just this last two weeks I fully understand it,and I’ll be 26 soon.
This is not a complain declaration, instead me being thankful 🙂
My beautiful, creative, sweet daughter is 17. In the past two years she has changed so much I just don’t get it. I am guessing it is teenage rebellion and not being able to find herself. She has been so depressed, she even overdosed because she wanted to die. Her dad and brother have aspergers. She always had sensory food and clothing issues. But she is smart, and was a pleaser. Now grades don’t matter and she was stealing and smoking weed. She has the anxiety piece and the introvert part. I have her in counseling and psychiatry. It is so scary for me. What can I do to help her? She is artistic and smart. She should be looking forward to college. Instead she is overwhelmed by the decision of what to do. Help?
Please consider joining our online support group and ask this question of the multiple women there with Aspergers. It’s listed under author page on the left. I am so sorry to hear of her sadness and the challenges. Much love to you.
Michelle, when you want help, include your email address in your message. many women in the same position will respond. i am happy to chat also andygudgy@gmail.com
I just happened to come across this, and I could almost swear that you were writing it about me. X-) Not too many people in my life know that I have Aspergers… after a couple of them started treating me like some kind of mental case after I told them, I was afraid to tell anyone else again, figuring the lesser of two evils was to just let them think I’m a weirdo… but I really feel like posting a link to this on Facebook for them all to read, and maybe at least someone will finally get me. X-) Thank you for writing this… and pouring out my heart for me because I haven’t yet been able to do so this well. 🙂
wow at 41, same partner for 22 yrs;3 children, i was delving into this subject as i thought my husband was an aspy i realise now i am,our 3rd child is showing me unique traits,i have been thru many forests but this discovery i cannot deny i am baffled where to start but one thing id like to share is i rid myself of those “butterflies” by choosing to row my own boat in how i do things how we choose to live etc i have worked as an artist dancer art model etc i think in my 20s this saved and saturated me working in film etc but failing to turn up to the screening etc for a little aspy example,anyway my head is brimming with all i want to share about my enigmatic man who i believe is aspy where to start?so much to do eh,i will stay connected to this site,thankyou for your cleverness
Oh my, where to start! I’m 50 years young this year. 14 months ago I self-diagnosed with SPD (sensory processing disorder)- I thought that was revelatory! I came across someone on a mutual website that mentioned that SPD is a symptom of autism, my son-in-law mentioned that a week or so ago as well- I just brushed it off. But when this girl mentioned it somehow I related to her and had to investigate. She gave me the link to this blog page… I cried most of the way through it- it’s ME! 90% of what you said is ME!! I feel understood and accepted for the very first time in my life!! Wow! I’m exhausted now, lol. Thank you!!
This sounds like my life. For ages I was convinced I was just shy, however a few years ago i started to realise that it never really made sense.
I hate being touched by random people. I have to have a drink or two be able to handle hugs, or a kiss on the cheek without flinching noticeably.I have to keep apologising to people for flinching, to let them know it’s not them.
I find that using a To Do List app on my phone helps me keep up with all the little jobs. Before i would hardly ever notice if something needed doing around my house, until it became a huge task, or someone else pointed it out for me.
I’m glad to find out there isn’t actually anything wrong with me, cause it’s just how i am. 🙂
thank you for sharing and for taking the time to comment. I wish you the very best :)))
Mum: My daughter has just been diagnosed today with Aspergers and we have been researching together and fortunately found your page almost immediately. She is 14 and we have been getting and seeking help for the past 5 years. The sense of relief and the way we both recognised the traits is really helping making sense of it all. Thank you.
Me: Today, I was diagnosed with Aspergers. Although I have always known that I am somewhat ‘different’ from my peers it came as both a shock and a relief finding out the root cause of the way I am. I was sceptical at first (Every person I know with Aspergers -All male- are more extreme then I am, as I am relatively social) but finding your page has made the original diagnosis less frightening. I now feel like my unusual personality/the way I think and feel has a lot more validation. Your page has made me feel less alienated and alone, and I would like to thank you for helping us out so much. I don’t know how I would feel right now had I not read the ‘traits.’ Again, Thank you.
This is amazing. It is not text-book, like most clarifications. I’m an “Aspie” and it becomes exhausting explaining exactly my train of thought/reasons of doing/speech pattern. I get into constant arguments about mimicry, taking things too literal, focusing on details too much. I have serious anxiety issues resulting in insomnia, panic attacks, severe hives require hospitalization, and severe depressive episodes. I’ve been recently diagnosed, very late in the game in college. I’ve went countless years hiding in the shadows, shifting from conformity to anarchy, feeling inadequate, even felt I was an alien at times. I talk to myself, mostly in preparation for what is at bay. Most people don’t understand why I need to plan everything out to the tee and find it too tedious or don’t take me seriously because I am also a spontaneous person so the opposing forces confuse them. Recently I’ve struggled with the thought of exiting college, I had to take some time of, and now I have to make new friends, find a new place, explain myself all over again. It’s stressful and put me in a position of so great of discomfort that I required immediate counseling. It’s great to find a well formulated and flexible outlook on the disorder. Props.
So I’ve been trying to figure out what’s wrong with me for years. I didn’t even know what aspergers was until my husband mentioned that he though he had it. I agree, he almost definitely has it, even down to the sense of touch. I wanted to understand him so I learned about it. The more I learned, the more it made sense for my own mind. I’ve been trying to find info for girls with aspergers for a while, I thought it was something else because some things just didnt fit. While I was reading this, I had to stop several times to calm down and stop crying. You put into words what has been out of reach for me all my life. I hope to send this to my husband so maybe he will understand it well enough to know what I’ve been unable to put into words myself for years.
Thanks for this post, i was recently diagnosed about a year ago now, When i was told i was “yea i kinda knew this all along” Has it made life any easier? Nope , But at least i know why now!
But since finding out, ive been involved in a test scheme ( http://www.braininhand.co.uk/ ) Where i was also invited to help out with the development of that too ( in a small way ) — And things like this i find does help , me at least , I’ve found that being an Aspie does not get any easier with getting older, infact i’ve found it seems to get a little harder.
But posts like yours ( i also blog too ) are a great help, Myself and my wife are now looking at my little girl also being Aspergers ( already diagnosed as ASD ) so this is a very interesting read, and very very similar to how a male also feels and see’s the world!
May i link to this post in my blog? it will only be a link and nothing copied as i see you have expressed this wish, And its a shame that people seem to think its ok to Use other peoples words as their own!
Thanks again Adrian 🙂
sure. and thank you for your comment. best wishes. 🙂
Thanks! ive made my post here ( http://adrian-moore.co.uk/Blog/?p=600 ) and hope it meets approval 🙂
🙂 sure does. Take care 🙂
I’m a 44 yr old nurse & recently suspect that my 3 1/2 yr old daughter may have Aspergers. My sister is a Speech & Language Therapist & has confirmed her suspicions to me; advising an early diagnosis & intervention. Upon researching the syndrome I began to recognize numerous traits in myself…..& then I came across your page. It’s like someone switched the light on in my life!! I am in tears typing here but uplifted immensely at the thought that all my “self perceived failings” in life might not be without validation.
I have struggled every day of my life to “fit in” & knew from an early age that I was “different” from all my peers. I often felt like I was on the other side of a window looking in, wondering why I just can’t seem to ever “get it right”.
I’ve had what I would deem to be a successful career in Nursing, managing a busy Intensive Care Unit but not without it’s challenges. My spacial awareness is so bad that I bang into door frames & bounce off walls & I know in my heart that I will never be able to conquer driving, something that my peers just can’t fathom.
Every day is still a struggle & I battle my demons of low self worth because living in fear/anxiety in a world that everyone around me is so comfortable, makes me ashamed. On the outside….no one can see my turmoil. My real life “mask” protects me…. but doesn’t comfort me. A diagnosis for myself may not change my life but maybe I wouldn’t be so hard on myself & maybe….just maybe….I could finally sit back & be proud of all the obstacles that I have overcome & accept who I am….& not aspire to be someone I’m not. 🙂
As for my beautiful daughter….she has been born into a world with more awareness & support systems in place. An early diagnosis & intervention may make the world of difference to her. I am feeling empowered…..at last. THANK YOU for your wonderful articulation. 🙂
Huge hugs… I hear you… You are perfect…remember that. 🙂
I am just like you, and with daughters showing signs of being like me. You said it, be proud of who you are, and everything you’ve done, because all you can be is You, with or without a diagnosis 🙂 You’re not alone!
I sat in tears reading this. This is my life, my world, my alien world. I identify with everything in this post. I spent many years being the oddball in school until I learned about Aspergers. Since then I know why I don’t fit in. I have spoken to a couple of people about it but am scared to get a diagnosis as no one else believes me and I am convinced a doctor won’t believe me either. I have a job and a partner, so i must be normal right? These things go through my head whenever I consider getting a diagnosis.
I added the page “Everyday Aspergers” on Facebook if anyone wants to send me a private mail, my name is as above.
Ps. This blog was uploaded on my 21st birthday. Another sign?
thank you for your comment. Much light and love to you. 🙂
Every one of this list hits home completely except for number 10. I was always very adept physically and love a challenge regarding technical stuff and my spacial awareness is very keen. I guess everyone is different but this one item, number 10, doesn’t fit at all and if the others were so right on, I would assume I don’t fit this. Is there an explanation? Does that mean I do not fit the mold for Aspergers? Just curious.
10 in some people doesn’t fit. Your guess, is as good as mine. I really don’t know. But thank you much for sharing. 🙂
some people don’t fit #10 and still have aspergers
Great thoughtful prose! I am an aspie and have a 12 year old daughter who is as well. The hardest part for her (and me) is trying to decipher the social code. So many tweens and teens are obnoxious and mean and do not realize how much they hurt her with their disparagement. This applies to adults as well. One of my trusted friends mentioned that my neighbor, whom I thought was my friend, had been gossiping about me at parties. I want nothing more than to shield my daughter from the cruelty of the many shallow people. We are the artists, the doctors and techies that contribute so much to the world, despite our lack of social intelligence.
geeze….it’s hard sometimes..isn’t it. Much love to you and best wishes. xo
thank you for sharing. I can’t remember if I responded yet. I hope that you both find some peace and connections with wonderful accepting and loving people. ❤
I think I may be an aspie. It all makes sense to me, reading your blog and others about it. I really need a friend I can talk to about it all. I guess I am having a bad day because of other things. Do you know of an online support group to make a friend and be able to talk about it? Mariposa
check out “Everyday Aspergers” on Facebook. It used to be associated with this blog, but isn’t any longer. Still a great group. Best wishes.
im a lad , and i havent been diagnosed but this list is just me
thanks for sharing. I’ve had a few lads say the same. 🙂
My daughter is in the diagnostic process now. I have always known I was different / wrong (and yes, my doctor labelled me with being obsessed with symptoms of illness). I copied the most popular girl in the school (deliberately) but not until I went to a new school where no-one knew me. I’m too honest, can’t control what I say, obsess about social situations (before, during and after), avoid human contact etc. In brief, if I’d been able to look honestly at myself I could have written this about me. But it took reading it from you to see it. Thank you.
you are welcome. The best to you and thank you so much for sharing. 🙂
Wow, It’s like you stole my brain and wrote everything from it onto this list. Everything in this list is what I’ve been dealing with my whole life. I’m only 19 and I hope to get diagnosed pretty soon.
I did! I did! it’s such a grand brain too. Thank you for sharing. 🙂 and best wishes
OMG. I am 49 and have just today read here on your page everything that explains myself to myself. I am freaking out but kind of relieved as well… i am not an alien LOL!
nope….but we might be on the wrong planet. hehe thanks for sharing.
only recently heard about Aspergers and the more I read the more sense my life makes. yes I am definitely an Aspie and I don’t need a doctor to diagnose. thank you very much Sam, wonderfully written.
you are most welcome. 🙂 nope….doctors base diagnose on ever changing DSM largely influenced by drug companies….oops…did that leak out. Actually in some cases, like mine, diagnosis helps with closure, in other cases coping mechanisms etc…but you are absolutely right….you know yourself the best. 🙂
I’m 16. It feels like the world is an ocean and I’m just barely treading water! I also haven’t been officially diagnosed yet and it’s almost school again! I need help, but without the diagnosis I have no way of getting it without going bankrupt! Does it ever get easier?
finding like minds was the best thing for me, just knowing others are out there who are the ‘same.’ My teenage years were the very hardest because of hormones and changing/shifting social norms and expectations. Yes! It gets easier, but changes…new challenges replace the other ones, but we develop new coping mechanisms. Hang in there. There are many books and websites out there now with help. Much love to you. You aren’t alone.
I’m literally in tears right now. I’m 53 years old and this list just described me and what I live with. I’m currently on prescribed anti-depressant/anti-anxiety due to my son’s illness and death between age 19 to 23 (I’m quite sure that he also had Asberger’s, although he was also 75% hearing impaired due to a birth defect not diagnosed until he was 17 years old)
Most importantly, my 19 year old daughter definitely has
Asberger’s syndrome (based on this list and other articles I’ve read) and living with it without diagnosis or treatment. I will definitely get her help now!
. I told her doctors and teachers all through her high school years that she likely had some variation of autism from what I could see, …but given my inability to properly express my concerns in a concise manner verbally (one on one and in person) my concerns were alway met with indifference or disagreement.
Thank you so much for this information written in such a readable and informative way! I almost feel as if you climbed into me (or my daughter) and wrote from our existence!
I would like to share this information with my daughter’s doctor as well as her boyfriend who is having a lot of difficulty dealing with her. Am I allowed to do this? I look forward to reading more and getting this all under some semblance of control! Thank you again!
much love to you. You are more than welcome to print this out for professional use with doctors. Please keep my blog address on the print out. I wish you the very best and am sorry for your loss.
Like most of the other posters, I could relate strongly to these traits. Some more than others really rang true and overall I thought basically ‘this is me’. But hang on; I’m a neurotypical 27 year old male. What’s going on? Does this mean I have Asperger’s?
Firstly, I think the Barnum (or Forer) effect is in action here. I’d like to bet that most of the population share at least a few of these traits to some degree. And when reading an article like this, the natural tendency is to apply/relate it to yourself. I’m not surprised that a lot of people could relate to the article but I would be surprised if most had Asperger’s.
Asperger’s is a real condition, however I fear there is a trend of misdiagnosis happening now. Aspergers might be a convenient label to explain things that are experienced by most people anyway, like social awkwardness. And the implication of possible genius must sound alluring to the misinformed willing to self diagnose. So what’s the problem with deciding that you’ve had Asperger’s all along? Especially if it explains so much about you? Well…because you don’t. Giving yourself a diagnosis like that will massively affect your self-image. Asperger’s becomes a huge part of your identity. The danger is that it may also become an excuse. Some negative personal traits and tendencies are now explained, so they are also legitimised. Certain behaviours may be excused because of your diagnosis. And generally if someone thinks they have a disorder, they will tend to behave as if they do.
I really hope I’m not misunderstood here. Asperger’s is a legitimate condition and Aspergian individuals vary in personality traits etc. I’m really just addressing a trend of misdiagnosis of Asperger’s that serves no purpose and probably hinders the individual. Although the author of this article is clearly a really nice person…. The replies to individual comments speak volumes… I do think the article does unintentionally feed in to the trend of overdiagnosing.
You have a right to your opinion, and clearly make some valid points. We are all in ‘search’ of our selves in a way, and often people will cling onto something to make sense of life. Some will cling on to this Aspergers, others to codependent, 12-step, relationships, sports, etc. There are always pros and cons. As the author of this piece and the entire blog, in my experience more have been healed through finding answers than hindered. That is my continued hope. All things can be used to the benefit or detriment. All things judged and evaluated, if one chooses. I choose to see this as a helping hand and possibility and not a key to over-diagnosis. But thanks for your thoughts. Clearly you are a clever person.
Yes, I think you are definitely doing more good than harm (those normally go the other way round!). I’m sure you are correct when you say that, “more have been healed through finding answers than hindered” and that’s the most important thing. You definitely deserve credit for that. Thanks for responding.
I can identify with most of this! Amazing insight. You and I looks sooo much alike also lol. Crazy.
thank you for sharing 🙂
I never realized how much that was me until now…crazy to I just got my Dx a few weeks ago – now it’s just Autism but thanks for this – my friends agreed that this suits me so much it was just so much what I needed to read. I have a page on FB for my kiddo who has Autism and I came across this posted….
🙂
Hi what you wrote describes my 49 years of existence. I am a guy buy the way. Thanks
🙂
Hi, great piece, but do you mean women with Asperger’s don’t read fiction? If so, I disagree. I read fiction, but it has to be straight to the point, logical, nothing abstract
no, I enjoy fiction, as well.
I either read non-fiction or sci-fi/fantasy stories. Unless it’s a reality show, I don’t like “realistic” fiction, whether in books or movies.
You have just described me! It is a strange relief to know that I am not alone in my strangeness. I have never been offically diagnosed, neither have several of my children who exhibit the same problems. However of my grandchildren the one most like me has Aspergers, one is Autistic and at least two others I am sure are Aspergers. I would like to copy your article, so I can just hand it to some of the family and say “There read that, this is me!”
I read your blog and found it fascinating. I am 36 years old and for a long time now, I’ve gotten the sense from other people that I am “different”, but not exactly sure how. People have commented now and then on something about myself…”you tend to be…” or “i’ve noticed….” or “why are you…” Enough to confirm to me that something is different about me, but I still don’t know exactly what or why. So I started searching…looking for something to explain who I am. You can find a lot of things to relate yourself to, if you look hard enough. I identify with a lot of things in your blog, not all, but quite a lot. I really enjoyed reading it…I really enjoy reading what other people are feeling on the inside, because I really still don’t know why I am different. I just am. But a year or so ago, after a lot of searching, I came to a conclusion that it doesn’t really matter what name I tag myself with….all I can be is just me. And go from there. Thank you for sharing 🙂
I’m 44 with a son who has Aspergers. Much of what you described above would have fit me as a child. Now, I get anxious about what people think or if I have somehow offended them. I get anxious driving. I love music, but I have performance anxiety. I am a fantasy writer, and I’ve written 10 books, a novella, and a lot of shorter fiction and poetry. I’ve published some fan fic stories and poetry but none of the books. Too thin skinned, but I am working on it. I definitely escape into stories either ones I’ve written or a role playing game or TV/movies. I have 6,000+ books. I’m happily married because I met the right guy in college.
I have sensory sensitivities especially noise, bright lights, and food texture. My mind has a hard time turning off, so I read until I’m exhausted most nights.
I have terrible muscle tension in my neck and back partially because of stress and partially because I clench my jaw when I sleep.
I’m very good at reading people and a good listener. My biggest flaw is over sharing but only when I feel like I’ve connected with someone. I used to be quite shy as a child. I watched people and spoke when I knew what to say. I’m okay with direct eye contact because I was raised that way.
Oh, I used to memorize various lists as a child. Animal names and species. Presidents in order along with trivia about them. I knew all the symbols of the periodic table. I started reading around 3.
I have a bachelor’s and master’s degree, but I work as a stay at home mom and writer. The jobs I have had that I liked were teaching and circulation work at a library. Every other job has been difficult for me and short lasting because of anxiety.
Anyways, thanks for listening. I have no formal diagnosis but I’ve always felt more comfortable hanging out with nonconformists and gamers. I’ve spent the past year wondering if I should seek a diagnosis but I don’t want a misdiagnosis. I’m pretty happy with my life except for my inability to handle stress.
I don’t know if that is the blog that you refer to: Your material is being copied, apparently in violation of your copyright requirements, at http://twittweb.com/i+d+love+10+traits+fema-19798747 .
They do provide a link back to your blog (at the top it says “WordPress” and that is linked to this page). The twittweb site is apparently based in Lithuania so based on typical behaviour of many people based there they probably do not care about copyright. WordPress may be willing to complain to them.
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Very interesting article. Many thanks.
Russell
thank you. It is copyright protected, printed and published in peer review journal. I will see if I can let her know somehow.
she likely just wants to spread the word and doesn’t know Thanks again.
Thank you. Many things apply to me. For 30 odd years I have been hiding my true self when I interact with people. Driving a car is quite impossible. It’s like my brain shuts off and goes to sleep.
I have a degree from a good university, and am in a mid career switch to music. But
I realize this blog is intended for the support of girls/women with Asperger’s Syndrome, but I stumbled upon it and, as a male, found the descriptions of life with Asperger’s to be quite poignant–accurate to a scary measure–despite the gender difference. I can only hope (most likely in futility, I fear) neurotypicals would embrace us as a most valuable subset of society and realize that we can offer them quite a lot in symbiotic harmony. Again, I dream…
Me, too. Thank you for taking the time to comment. Much love and light to you, Rick.
I was crying by the time I got to the end of this. I have never ever identified with other females. Ever. Their worlds and the things they do, say and care about are baffling. I just think: Who could possibly give a s**t about a centerpiece of dried flowers? Why would you ever lie about your age/weight? Why would you spend so much time on hair/makeup when there’s so many other things to do?
I never connected with other females until today when I finally got to the part of my Autism research that led me to females with the condition. I never knew any of these things were connected to Autism or AS. It’s overwhelming to suddenly have an explanation for why it’s so hard to leave the house, to decide on clothing/food/everythingever, to look at people directly for more than a few seconds, to be around more than a few people for very long and to live in fear that everyone knows there’s something wrong with me, that they can see how weird I sit/stand, hear how practically incomprehensible I am when I don’t FORCE myself to speak slowly in short sentences, that I hate being hugged and have no idea what to say to people when something bad happens to them so I say nothing or ask analytical questions and they just think I’m a good listener. And why I thought girls were really good friends with me and they weren’t, or boys liked me and they didn’t.
The way I dress. The way I think. The way I cannot stop bumping into that thing at the foot of my bed that has been there for more than three years! Literally just about everything. It was a week ago that it was seriously suggested I might have AS and my entire idea about myself has been turned upside down. I really thought I was broken, it’s a huge relief to know I’m just different. I’m seeing several specialists in the next few weeks for an official diagnosis but actually identifying with the experience of other FEMALES is earth-shattering enough to confirm this for me emotionally.
Thank you so much for this post.
You are a fantastic writer! Wow. I’d love to share these words with others. Brilliant way of expressing yourself. And I was right there with you, reliving all of this. Yes, you are not alone. I am happy for you. Much love.
Oh good, I’m a fiction writer and I always feel like I don’t make sense when I try to actually talk/write about myself (my journals are a disaster) so I’m glad this was somewhat comprehensible.
I’m fine with sharing and I’m going to just not read my comment for the eightieth time looking for everything that needs to be be revised in there . . .
lol I hear you. I could tell you had some talent. Well done. 🙂
A very eloquent and all encompassing female Aspie description! It makes my heart happy that I have a page to refer people now to learn about me! ❤
Yay. Thanks Cookie Mama…love your name
I was wondering what you experience with relationships and touch. That has been a big issue for me.
huge questions…. touch is very hard. Relationships I have written several back posts on, search in the left column where it lists the numbered posts. I don’t like hugs and such, except from my children. take care
Thank you for sharing with us. My niece finally got a diagnosis and this blog was passed to family to understand her more. I recognise far too much of this as traits in myself. Is this condition hereditary?
Yes. Often there is a link in the family. Best wishes. 🙂
Thank you. So very much, thank you. @ 45, with all of us in this home aspie, this is so accurate for me ( my favorite thing is ACCURATE) words fail. I forwarded this page to people I know who might care at the risk of seeming ego driven and selfish (a possible NT response)…which you already know doesn’t bother or stop me form doing so….for me it just seems informative. This was a very useful thing to come across.
love your comment… your authenticity comes through. 🙂 cheers
really nice to come across your blog. there has been such limited information out there on girls with asperger. my daughter is 10 and is an aspie, along with anxiety and sensory co-morbids. we cried together this morning on her second day of the new school year because of her social issues, that is the hardest part for both of us. she is a light. she is funny. she is beautiful. she is talented. i have never medicated her. she has had neuro-feedback, aikido, cognitive behavior therapy, ot, and more. in many ways she is so far ahead of her peers because of all the work she has done, but socially she really just struggles. sometimes i feel like her anxiety is the worst of it all. anyway, thanks again.
What a fortunate daughter to have you as her mother. I would agree that the anxiety is often the hardest part. And girls can be very mean to one another. I wish you all the best. She has a huge start because of you. 🙂 Keep up your hard work and love. Thank you for sharing.
Hi, my name is Jonathan, and I have a difficults situation. I’m in love with a woman with aspergers. She is 22 lives home with parents that control her life like you won’t believe. She is a prisoner. Her parents heard Bad rumor about me which isnt true, refuse to meet me, and won’t allow me with there daughter. She listens to them, she is scared to loose them. Because the only way we can be is if she runs away with me. I will marry her and spend rest of my life with her, she is my soulmate. A man with aspergers has shown interest in her, her parents want them together. She is soo torn ryt now, between the man she loves loosing family, to a man that understands because same problem and family want it. How can I help her to see she can be with me, she is safe. She can’t let me go. But can’t dedicate to me either. Pls help, I love her with all my heart.
Wow!! I read this and I cried. I can relate to most of the things you wrote about here. I am 37 and have a history of childhood trauma. I’ve been in treatment for several years but I have always been awkward, felt like I was dropped onto the wrong planet and I’ve had many issues that you have touched on. My mental health practitioner and I are now investigating the possibility of me having Aspergers. I’ve always felt wrong, misunderstood, misplaced, odd…but reading this I actually feel understood…haven’t felt this understood before. Thank you.
Best wishes to you 🙂
Hah.. I’ve always wondered if I was wrong or the world was wrong. It has been difficult for me to fit in anywhere. When I watch my cousins and brother gel in so easily and they ignore me, I used to feel so left out…and the way I used to sit in class day dreaming, – my way of escapism…. and the way I am scared to drive, even though I do drive once in a while….well your blog sums it all
thank you for sharing 🙂
This makes me desperately want to cry. It’s like you just wrote a synopsis of my baffling life and confirmed the ever present fear that I am going to be alone forever.
At the same time it is a relief to have an answer, and to know that there is a reason why I am the way i am. I have read the typical lists of AS symptoms over the years that are based on male patterns and never quite fit the mold. This is entirely different.
People have tried to be my friend but I always end the relationship, often abruptly, and really don’t know why, except that we don’t have any common interests and I dread their phone calls and the ensuing social requirements, so I stop answering. Other people that I really want to be friends with have real lives, and don’t have the time or desire to get involved in a loving friendship. I can’t push them and turn into a leech, because they will just run the other direction. It has to be a free choice, or it’s not real and what is the point of that.
I just want to love and be loved, and I don’t understand why it has to be so damn hard.
I really am happy when I am doing what I love, and I try to focus on that, and not the being alone part. But sometimes the isolation creeps up and before I have the good sense to refocus on the present, I end up doing things like writing a sappy response to a blog post.
Today is a beautiful day, Thank you the realization that I really am not alone in this journey.
Holy shit… reading this was the weirdest experience of my life, someone I know said that this sounds similar to me, I have never ever thought about this being relevant to my life but reading this 90-95% of it flooded in memories of acting/feeling these things as a little girl, as a teenager and in the last few years of my life. What a bizarre experience that was..
love your comment 🙂
Aspergers girls. Was there anything you can suggest to help me. Have you ever heard of parents controling their daughters with aspergers not allowing them to marry someone they love, and the daughter having difficulty leaving her family for her soulmate even we she is treated badly by family and has a loving man waiting for her.
No. I am not familiar with this. I would suggest joining some aspergers groups on facebook and asking some questions to others. I wish you the best.
I have just begun my journey of self discovery as an Aspie. Finding your blog was an integral piece of the puzzle. This post is me described – accurately and respectfully.
I picked up these new Aspie lenses 2 short months ago, in July. This new way of seeing my life has brought *everything* into sharper focus. I am no longer blinded by the confusion of my experience of life (tho confusion remains an influence). And…..I am no longer alone. After 44 years, how joyous to find a community of freaky people, just like me!
Please, what are your preferences for re-posting/referencing to your work? I would love to re-post some of what you have written above and include a link to this page, in a future post of mine. (the idea is still a seed not yet sprouted at this point) You permission/preferences would be most appreciated.
You can check out my (in its infancy) blog at http://aspergal.org/
Thank you
hi. nice to meet you. best luck on your journey. If you want to post the first paragraph of one of my works and then link it back to original source that is fine. Thank you and enjoy the journey. :)))
It’s too late. She’s given into her fear. She’s going to live the life her parents make her live. She will be forced to marry a guy with aspergers so they can control him aswell. I’ve just lost the love of my life. My only soul mate. 😥 …..
so sorry.
So, what can you advise a non-Aspie who has an Aspie girlfriend how to deal with her? In general, what is difficult for Aspies to cope with in relationships, and what in general do they like. Of course, everyone is different, and Aspies different by the square so I understand there are many differences; but from the comments here and elsewhere it seems there are many similarities across the board. Can anyone tell me what any of these are?
honesty, loyalty, good heart, unconditional love, lots and lots of love, space, and reassurance. Deep conversation, time together in non public places… some of the things I would want. Best wishes.
Thanks for that; the partner question to that then is, how do I get what *I* want out of the relationship if things like intimacy, proximity, and being able to touch her are important to me? I find the one sided nature of things difficult to deal with due to how different this is for me.
Hi Nigel, I asked my husband this for you b/c I’m Aspie and he’s not. (I’m 50 and just found out about 5 months ago- we’ve been married 13 years!) He said it takes a lot of communication and understanding. So you guys really have to talk a lot about your needs, wants and desires and the best way for both of you to go about getting those met. For example, I have a hard time dealing with spontaneity and surprise so he knows that we need to plan things so I know what’s happening in advance- I can mentally and emotionally prepare. Lots of communication! It’s a lot of work, but any good relationship is going to be.
that depends on the individual. I would ask her. best wishes
My partner (NT) and I (self-dx’d AS) found the book “22 Things a Woman with Asperger’s wants her partner to know” by Rudy Simone, to be a game changer. After 5 years of struggling, he was able to understand (and finally accept) some of the patterns that come with my wonderfully challenging AS brain.
There are various helpful little tips in the book (tho it doesn’t offer any prescriptions) for how to approach making your relationship better. The single most valuable quote I found, and that I repeatedly remind my partner of, is “To be with an Aspie requires emotional honesty and integrity. She might pick up on whatever you’re feeling, even if you’re not aware of it yourself. Learn what you’re feeling, what you need and how to talk about it honestly.”
Being upfront is the best way to approach this Aspergal, just remember to be kind.
Thank you for your excellent advice. I have now ordered the Rudy Simone book you recommended, it sounds useful. I have started to try to act with more understanding and without asking her too many questions and it seems to help me to be less anxious. The more I read, the more I wonder if I myself am on the spectrum as well! Either way, I am more relaxed about everything and the people on this excellent site have helped me a lot. Thank you all. 🙂
I read your article with ease, nodding my head agreeing with the questions you answered. I have two kids being tested for ASD. My mom and one of my nieces are on the ASD spectrum.
I also struggled deeply with the issues mentioned above, (each and every one of them). My mom commented that if I liked a person I didn’t “pick up” on their mannerisms… I became them; down to hair, shoes, preferences, accents etc. I never even noticed it.
I hated sounds and crowds. As a baby I never wanted to cuddle. I won’t go on copying your list and agreeing. Just want to say I wish someone helped me understand this ASD piece before I was hospitalized for anxiety and suicidal tendencies. I am now 35 and am learning the rules of social interaction. Oh, and I find it exhausting. I would rather walk in the forest or crochet with a cup of tea and something in the background.
Keep up your writing and sharing of experience.
I ordered the book for my Nook and read it today- excellent book! I can’t wait for my husband to read it now… I’m already feeling more free and less alone. Thank you for suggesting it Aspergal!
It’s my pleasure. It’s not a deep book, nor full of profound wisdom, however it truly was a game changer in my dealings with my partner. There is so much he used to take personally, despite me telling him it’s not personal, just my quirky ways. Somehow having someone else who neither of us has ever met, putting it down in writing made it possible for him to realize – It’s nothing personal, it’s just my quirky ways!
I hope your hubby can find some solace and perhaps freedom, too.
When I was diagnosed, I was an imperfect match. Maybe it was girl presentation. My sensory issues are less now that I’m older. When I was a kid, people noticed fluorescent light bothered me, but now I can handle a concert with lights. However, I shut my eyes, when the strobe lights shone on me, but my parents looked down. Guess they didn’t like strobe lights in their eyes either. I liked the music, though. I’m a really big Christian music fan. I don’t like sirens or fire alarms, still though. I watch car races on TV, but I know I’d need earplugs to go to one live.
Reblogged this on Billyboy and commented:
Great insights!
Reading this article has been like looking in a mirror. A friend of mine sent me the link to this article to aid me in my dealings with my step-daughter who was diagnosed with Asperger’s. I always felt a little “different” or “strange” growing up and now I am almost 100% sure that Asperger’s was the reason. Knowing that how I grew up seeing the world and how she is probably seeing it now as I once had, has helped me to better understand how to help her. 😀
WOW, this article just blew me away!!! I self-diagnosed myself with ADD 24 yrs ago when I was filling out the paperwork for my son & I thought the ADD was the main problem, after reading this I think it’s more than the ADD. I’ve always felt like the odd man out, couldn’t figure out why no matter how hard I tried I just couldn’t seem to fit in, I lost my job in August, blamed it on the ADD but a lot of what I read here describes my failure to fit in at work & comprehend my job duties. The reason I “googled” Aspergers is because my daughter is having trouble in school & although she has shown some signs of ADD I’ve never really felt like that is what she has, however, a lot of what is written describes her. I’ve made her an appt. for 10/22/13 to speak with the Dr., I don’t want her to have to go through the hell I’ve been through all of these years, feeling like a failure, no one likes me, I can’t fit in, what is wrong with me?? etc. I want to help her as much as possible & it appears I need to get myself some help too other than taking ADD meds, without reading your article I would have never known, thank you so much!
Your Web site – blog is great. I can relate to a lot of things said. I have Aspergers and it can be really hard sometimes. So much of what you wrote rings true for me. I was diagnosed in 2008 at the age of 38. We are now think my husband my have Aspergers or be somewhere on the spectrum for being autistic. Shannon
you are most welcome. Wishing you well in all you do. 🙂 thanks for sharing;
I prefer that these post were current at the top. I am a neuro-typical husband. My beautiful wife is an apsie with OCD. I have been able to CORRECT the main cause. However, I am unable to get her to therapy for the great benefits of CBT. All of our boys have a piece of the aspie as well. The corrective measures are from the use of supplements. I did all of the research on my own and made observsations for over 2 tears now. it has been incredible what the benefits are with the supplements. It has basically fixed the audio processing problem that they all have. They now all have cognitive clarity but must work out the conflicts from the past and work on current misunderstandings. This has been easier with the younger boys age 17 and 20. All aspie family members are taking 2 Omega-3 and 4 Nuerolinks from Amen Clinics. they take this dosage 3 times a day and sometimes a “booster” ( half dose) late afternoon. Please go to Amen Clinics wesite and click on the store button and read and read and read. Go get his books. Learn the functions of the brain and how aspie brain wiring tends to be diferrent. The main benefits that my family receives is “brain food”; the omega-3 assist in the general overall health of the brain. Its like oil for a car engine – just gotta have it, it makes the car or brian run smoothly. The Neurolinks have to roles: the first are the calming affects to areas of the brian that are overactive, it takes away the noise and calms then down; then, the other ingredients, amino acids, pick up the activity to the areas of the brain that lag. Please note that they did not take the dosage stated immediately. We worked on that amount over a couple of months. However, effectiveness was immediate! And, noticably, with each dose, it takes about 3-5 minutes to to get the nurtients to the brian. The next 3-6 months bring remarkable improvements! FYI… if you are not sure what the heck this is all about then please call the clinic and pay for one of their consultants and ask questions! This may not the be answer for all of you, however, I know it works first hand!!! my staatemetn to aspies is simply know this – todays’ sciance is all about the brain and we no longer just focusing on nourishing the body to be the best athlete or good health. Also, a side note they are taking one NeuroPS from Amen Clinics twice per day. In addition, if this does not phase you or seems expensive then experiment on your self with foods that may do teh same. Example, how do you feel after eating a big peice of salmon and maybe avocado? Also, another side note – D3 is very affective for alzheimer’s!!! Mom is taking 3 doses per day of 2000 IU from Bluebonnet Nutrition, another great source of quality supplements. Again, a side note, most psych professionals are way behind in this stuff. Please benefit from this! God Bless!
I was diagnosed with Asperger’s in my early-mid 30’s. My oldest child was diagnosed with Autism at age 4 (I was then 29). I then realised that my father exhibited many of the traits and thought “hey”, the connection must be me. I started researching women with Asperger’s and felt more and more that it explained why things had happened to me and why I was often ostracised by others. Yes, I had a couple of friends, only one long time friend remains. My family (my siblings and some nieces) have turned their back on me. Sadly, my sister who works in disability has also turned her back on me. She will stick up for the brother and sister who abused drugs and spent time in prison but will never accept me. Being a narcissist (my sister) does not help at all.
I just want to thank you for “all of your post”. It re-instilled in me that I although I have Asperger’s, I am still a part of society and should not be excluded.
Thanks again!!!
Sarah Scudder-Dixon
PS My father is a retired ‘Chartered Engineer” who relocated the family from England to Australia. He has narrowed interests, one being early Queensland Stamps of Australia. He published a book on these stamps only recently. I am so proud of him. He gets me and I get him.
God bless your soul. Thank you do much. I “get” me now, and now I can help my daughter.
This really spoke to me.
I have been wondering for about four and a half years whether I have Aspergers on not. I finally decided to get tested (just finished the first series of tests today).
No diagnosis yet, but I’m very curious what the results will entail.
Thank you for writing this blog. Your contributions are meaningful and valuable.
Thank you for the article! I cried from beginning to end!
I am NOT alone!
no YOU are not ❤
Wow -I just found your blog today! Your insight and perspective are invaluable. How I wish I had been able to read this 5 years ago when my daughter was diagnosed with Aspergers at age 12. I was swimming around in a pile of clinical, technical books trying to learn everything I could. But what I really needed to know desperately was that things would turn out ok… and this would’ve helped me so much. My daughter started blogging earlier this year and it feels great to see her putting her own positive, encouraging stuff out there. I’m going to tell her about your blog. (: Thanks.
thank you very much ;))))
I am a male Aspie. I thought this was beautifully written and clicked with me. Yes I am male but most of this stuff is stuff that I can relate to apart from the minor details of course.
thank you :))))
I am undiagnosed, but reading this over makes me think about it again, and I just don’t know how to get the answers I need. No psychiatrist can tell me what mental ‘label’ I have, yet they claim they’ve ruled this out…how come I seem to relate to everything I read about it?
I sympathise with you very much. It is good that you are asking the questions though! 🙂
I’m no expert (but then some ‘experts’ aren’t either, but don’t get me going off on that tangent!) but I have done a huge amount of reading on the subject lately. Perhaps others with more direct experiences or who have already been diagnosed can add their comments too?
One thing this site has done for me through the insightful comments, and the recommended books I have come across, in addition to further reading, is that it has helped me understand that female Aspies are often undiagnosed or misdiagnosed because they present differently to males. In fact, initially I understand it was thought Aspergers was a male-only thing. It is certainly more obvious in males.
Since then it has become known that females, being generally more sociable than males, hide the symptoms better, but nowadays are more likely to be identified than even just ten years ago. Heck, ten years ago AS was only just beginning to be recognised at all, and not all psychologists believed it either.
So, if you saw a psychologist more than ten years ago, a missed diagnosis would have been the norm, not the exception. Even today there are few psychologists looking at AS in adults.
And then of course, it is a spectrum thing. It isn’t black and white. although the definition is. The definition is an arbitrary line drawn somewhere on a line someone decided was the definition. Assessment using forms and interviews is a subjective thing. And if you score 98% on the test sheet, you are said not to be an Aspie; if you score 102%, you are said to have been diagnosed. And all people, NTs and AS alike, score differently to each other and in different ways.
Since reading the book recommended higher up in this thread I have realised that most NTs exhibit SOME behaviour that most Aspies display – and I dare say that some NTs score higher for a couple of Aspie traits than some Aspies do! And knowing this, seeing it, and thinking differently about it has helped me a lot to calm down and see life without worrying it is me that has a problem. I am awaiting tests to see if I am diagnosed or not.
I have learned that communication, talking about things, opening up, is of vital importance to have relationships that do not fail. If only one partner is open, it won’t work and disappointment will follow. I know that’s hard for an Aspie. It’s hard for anyone. But it is possible to get used to anything, and the more we get used to things, the easier they are and the more pleasure we get from doing them. 🙂
To help understand how neurotransmitters in our brains act on our experiences to change our behaviours I can recommend an excellent book by Loretta Graziano Breuning called “Meet your Happy Chemicals”. This explains a lot in everyday language too. In a way, it helps to explain why Cognitive Behavioural Therapy can be so helpful in changing bad habits into good ones.
Good luck – I wish you well in your voyage of future exploration as you cross the oceans of your own consciousness to investigate the hidden depths that hide so many wonderful treasures deep below… 🙂
I did go to a psychiatrist last year who claimed to specialize in Asperger’s. I was appalled, because the test she gave me didn’t have Asperger’s as a result, and the test that she gave to my FATHER was what she used to rule it out upon. I’m 23 years old. Clearly she was not experienced in diagnosing adults, from what I saw… She told me I had a high correlation with schizophrenia, yet I have almost none of the symptoms.
I relate to this as well and I most certainly have Asperger traits, however I haven’t ruled out a high correlation with ADHD and its varying dimensions. Just another thought. I work closely with an aspie and we connect in many ways. I identify with him and I understand him 75% of the time, because I have some similar traits… and we DON”T connect as well – often over communication problems we both have – it’s a toughie but I just love love love working with him so its worth it.
I have just recently self diagnosed myself as having Asperger’s, I have struggled my whole life with not fitting in, one of these things is not like the other…it’s me! I thought for a long time it was depression and anxiety, I took medication but it only dampened my symptoms, they never went away enough for me to work on being “normal”. I struggled at school with subjects which didn’t inspire me and excelled in those which did. I have always been told my posture is weird, that I’m weird, something was off, I was cold, I seemed unfriendly, I was warm on the inside but my mannerisms and tone of voice suggested otherwise, it is this reason that I severely dislike seeing myself on camera. When I read the symptoms for women I cried, but not because I was upset, I was just so happy, it was the long lost piece of the puzzle, and I was happy to find it, click it into place and receive a sense of completion and satisfaction. This is one more blog which I can relate to, I love it!!
much love and best wishes to you 🙂
it happened to me too 🙂
wow, reading that really highlights my thoughts that i have aspergers myself
thank u for the comment
Hi. I will print this list for myself and maybe to share with others. Don,t worry, I will include the web adress when i print it.I hope you give me permission.Thank you:)
you are most welcome 🙂
i mean, like I hope you reply me back or email me your name. Thanks .
Samantha Craft. You can see author information under link on left hand side of blog as well. 🙂
I found your blog after listening to a radio conversation today in the UK (discussing Susan Boyle and her AS diagnosis). I promptly showed this to my daughter when she came home from school. She read the traits intently, saying ‘yes’, ‘yes’ and ‘yes’. It has really opened my eyes to how she feels about things, and also made her realise that she is not alone. Thank you so much for expressing things so clearly.
wonderful :)))
this stuff really helps! find your own balance, experiment with the supplements. I poste wrong email. correct emial is below.
maybe if I reply to someone elses comment I can get thru? I will try.
I have to approve them first. Usually takes a day or two.
Just found your article. Isn’t it fun that you are still getting comments so long after it was posted. It is very helpful. My teen grandson has AS and is basically in my care as his dad cannot tolerate his behavior. I read articles weekly to keep all of this knowledge fresh in my mind as it is very easy to get frustrated and upset. Funny thing after my 6 years of educating myself for him I know realize that I have AS and answers so many questions of my childhood issues. I’m now 60. I love the part where you said cuddling with a “clean” dog!
I know this is a site about women and girls, but curious to know if this post also applies to boys and men.
Some men have said for sure it is how they experience their ASD. Other men with Aspergers, like my son, are more logical and less emotion-based. 🙂
I mean, personally I think everyone is different, regardless of gender or whether or not they’re on the spectrum. 🙂
My wife who is 61 yrs old was just diagnosed with ASD. We also were just divorced because I believe she was drawn to a man she had not seen in 40+ yrs. He also Is ASD but neither of them knew it at first. All of the past wreckage In her life fits the ‘traits’ perfectly as does her behavior while we were married. In my estimation she is very High Functioning as she displays outwardly almost none of the traits most people mention. I am helping her try to disclose to her children, all 30+ yrs old, who will tend to not believe her. My one question concerns the common thread I see about Aspies being unable or uncomfortable with deception and lying. I don’t know if she has learned to do this over her lifetime as a defense of some sort but she is quite good at it. Believe me, I’m not a disgruntled ex-husband, sad and lonely,yes. Her children are so resentful because of her lying, often by omission, and deceit plus her excusable ASD traits that she asked me to be a sort of mediator in her disclosure. Can you give a hurting not so young man some insight into this seemingly conflicting behavior.
Some people lie, aspie or not. Some aspies lie a lot, some hardly at all. Most I have met that are female lie seldom and feel tremendous guilt if they do. That’s me. She could also have other mental health conditions that add to lying or could be environmental base. Each aspie is different. Best wishes to you and yours.
Your posts are always pretty special, although I find the comments just as enlightening. Since reading it I have noticed how many traits I myself have and so have put myself on a waiting list to be tested. But I have another question:
I have been seeing/going out with a woman who shows even more signs of AS than me. I gave her a surprise for her birthday: unannounced, I drove 800 miles (round trip) to play “Happy Birthday” to her on my Sax outside her house. She told me to turn around and go back home. It was foggy so I booked into a hotel and saw her sister’s family instead. Bad move. I think this has ruined what had been up until then an unusual but beautiful friendship. She said she cannot trust me anymore because of this surprise. Does that mean all hope is lost for me, that there is no way back for me? I read somewhere that if you lose the trust of an Aspie girl, that’s the end of the story. I hope that is not the case as she means so very much to me.
I am giving her lots of space this week, what else can I do? I’ll do whatever it takes… but it seems I don’t always do the right thing, even when trying my hardest to please her.
Nigel, from my experience , as an NT, when dating my very recent ex-wife I to give her lots of space and very easy on the surprises. Neither of us knew she was AS. As an NT I wanted to do so many things that she couldn’t handle. I was confused and she couldn’t tell me what she was feeling partially out of her need for privacy and to some degree fear thinking there was something wrong with her.
To be honest, it was what I had learned in 8yrs of recovery in AA that allowed me to accept and be willing to give her the time and staying in her private place until she was ready to move on. This happened more than once and not always because of something I did. I loved her enough in the beginning, and more so now after her diagnosis, to do whatever I thought she needed me to even though it was not my 1st choice. Have fait, it’s worth it!
Wonderful essay. I have Aspergers Syndrome and it may just be that my girlfriend does as well. I forwarded her a link to this page. Thank you for taking the time to write and share this.
you are most welcome
I was so touched when I read this…..This is my 16 year old daughter is exact description of it all. While I understand a little bit of it (I get the ‘overwhelmed-ness’ sometimes with my ADD/ADHD) I don’t understand it totally………Kudos for being “you” and posting this.
Thanks again.
SJW
🙂 THANK YOU
the story of my life… it’s so weird and liberating at the same time finding out about my condiction, now i don’t have to pretend to be someone else, 25 years were long enough 🙂
I have this little problem with driving. I do not drive on the Hwy because of the other cars and too much going on around me, scares the crap out of me. But my real problem is going through red lights or slamming on my breaks and stopping at yellows to avoid going through red lights. I seem to misjudge the time left to make it through an intersection after the light turns yellow. Is this considered faulty spatial perception?
that sounds like anxiety; I believe it depends on if it is psychological ora physical challenge. Which is coming first… thanks for sharing.
I do struggle with anxiety, but I’m not always feeling anxious when it happens.
I had a lot of trouble driving for two to three years; most of it was spacial awareness, anxiety, and the ‘rules’ of how to drive. I was especially confused and nervous by freeway off ramps, parking, and finding places.
I thought the rule was, if you see yellow, you have to stop? At least, you shouldn’t treat it like green. 🙂
yes yes yes and… yes !!! Well done , excellent article…
🙂
this is perfect, perfect perfect. couldn’t have put it better, thank you
🙂
Reblogged this on dearwarriorwriter and commented:
Interesting.
Thoughtful, reflective and, for me — and many others, it seems — absolutely on target. One thing bothers me, though: given the propensity for statements about copying/reposting on this site (in what appears to be the quite justified desire to avoid plagiarism from others), it seems a bit ironic that the closely paraphrased material from Tony Atwood in this piece has not been better cited (other than a rather vague reference at the end to “literature” and one referral to Atwood’s work in a comment).
Tony Atwood reviewed this article twice. This was taken from 10 years of reading many different books. Yes, Atwood is greatly added to the research of females with Aspergers. This was written as one stream of consciousness without readjustment. I sat down and wrote what came out. Of course, his works will be reflected as he is one of the rare few that has written about females with Aspergers. If I was to site resources it would be a list of at least 50 though.
I’d hate to hear my students make such as argument. Accurate citation is integral to scholarship.
I would think that your your students would be properly educated in citing peer reviewed versus popular literature for just this reason. It appears that you are indirectly accusing this blog author of improperly using materials without citing it. Is this what you are intending to communicate? What point are you trying to make?
I think my point has been made.
Sappho – your point has not been made which is why I have asked for your clarification. Your statement appears to caste doubt on this blogger’s work without stating what the specifc ‘violation’ is, and submitting proof of what the violation is, if any.
Further, your moniker is that of an author with a doctorate who teaches English. If you are indeed this individual, I would think you would have the professional courtesy to address any concerns with this author, lest you invite this same vague doubt on your own work through the reviews of your work on other sites such as Amazon.
Finally, without launching into an academic exercise (this is after all a popular audience article), a quick search produced no connection to Tony Atwood as far a plagiarism is concerned. This author’s work may fall within the same epistemology/axiology of Tony Atwood (she indicated this in her response to you). However what is written here appears to fall under common knowledge and fair use.
This seems like a question that is more appropriate to pose directly to the blog author. Publicly posted, it seems like an attempt to malign, shame and disparage, and that seems quite uncool.
Bottom line: 1. Make your accusation clear and back it up. 2. Golden rule. 3. Don’t misrepresent. 4. Raise your concern directly with the author.
Now my point has been made and I am not going to respond to this topic further, lest it take away from the discussion on femaie asperger traits.
I made the point and addressed it to the author. End of discussion.
As a teacher, myself, I agree, that citation is vital in scholarly works and in academic environments. However, this is prose, poetry, my feelings, never written or pre-meditated to be shared with masses. thank you for your insights and opinions. I appreciate all that readers comment on and take each idea/thought to heart. Best wishes.
This was great!! Describes my daughter to a ‘T’!! She’s a highly intelligent, funny, awesome girl who was diagnosed when she was 12 and doing poorly in school. She’s a writer and has found friends in the Theater Club and at Karate, but her younger childhood was awful because of many of the things you described. I see her in so much of this post, and you also voice my worries for her. I have shared this with her and with my husband. Thank You!
you are most welcome and best wishes 🙂
Thanks for your response. I have found in the past 6 weeks that my ex-wife and I have a marvelous relationship due to our better understanding of each other since she diagnosed. I am very sad that it took our divorce before she knew to be tested. We have recently had 2 errors of misinterpretation between us that pointed out the damage done if one or both don’t recognize them; it’s little wonder that we had our problems when married and unaware of her AS. It would be much easier now though not perfect. I’m sorry it took the divorce to get her diagnosis.
Thank you and all the others that share their experiences here.
COGNITIVE CLARITY FIRST then reprogramming can be done. I am a neuro-typical husband. My beautiful wife is an apsie with OCD. I have been able to CORRECT the main cause (this is a neurobiological issue). All of our boys have a piece of the aspie as well. The corrective measures are from the use of supplements (not meds). I did all of the research on my own and made observations for over 2 years now. It has been incredible what the benefits are with the supplements. It has basically fixed the audio processing problem that they all have and some of the over-thinking from intrusive thoughts. They now all have cognitive clarity and are able to work out daily conflicts or misunderstandings. CBT and biofeedback are now affective. And, it is a current and forward working progress. The past, in many cases, will work itself out. This has been easier with the younger boys age 17 and 20. All aspie family members are taking 2 Omega-3 and 4 Nuerolinks from Amen Clinics. They take this dosage 3 times a day and sometimes a “booster” (half dose) late afternoon. Please go to Amen Clinics website and click on the store button and read and read and read. Go get their books. Learn the functions of the brain and how aspie brain wiring tends to be different. The main benefits that my family receives is “brain food”; the omega-3 assist in the general overall health of the brain. It’s like oil for a car engine – just gotta have it, it makes the car or brain run smoothly. The Neurolinks have to roles: the first are the calming affects to areas of the brain that are overactive, it takes away the “noise” and calms it down; then, the other ingredients, amino acids, pick up the activity of the areas of the brain that lag. As one of the Amen clinic doctor’s told me “imagine a person with poor vision who then puts on a pair of prescription glasses for the first time”. Please note that the dosage stated was not taken immediately. We worked on that amount over a couple of months. However, effectiveness was immediate! And, noticeably, with each dose, it takes about 3-5 minutes to get the nutrients to the brain. The next 3-6 months bring remarkable improvements! FYI… if you are not sure what the heck this is all about then please call the clinic and pay for one of their consultants and ask questions! This may not be an answer for all of you, however, I know it works first hand!!! My statement to aspies is to simply know this: today’s science is all about the brain and we no longer just focusing on nourishing the body to be the best athlete or in good health. Also, a side note, we recently started taking one NeuroPS from Amen Clinics twice per day, more brain food. In addition, if this does not phase you or seems expensive then experiment on yourself with foods that may do the same. Example, how do you feel after eating a big piece of salmon (omega-3) and maybe avocado (tryptophan)? Also, another side note – D3 is very affective for Alzheimer’s!!! Mom is taking 3 doses per day of 2000 IU from Bluebonnet Nutrition, another great source of quality supplements. Again, a side note, most psych and medical professionals are way behind in this stuff. Please benefit from this! God Bless!
Reblogged this on sonnolenta… and commented:
I really enjoyed reading this list of female Aspergers traits. Yesterday was “World Aspergers Day” or something of that ilk, and I didn’t write anything specific for it.
A considerable portion of my writing focuses on how I present as a woman with Aspergers/HFA. I’m still working on the best way to organize my experiences. I can relate to about 95% of what Everyday Aspergers wrote about in this list.
If you are just learning about Aspergers/HFA in women, or are a woman who suspects that you might be on the spectrum, definitely give this a read. It puts forth some illuminating perspectives.
Reblogged this on Appalachian aspie..
I have wrote two times and lost them. so I will say hi and see if I can send this, I have a lot to say.
I have to approve them before they show up 🙂
Hi again. So weird what I wrote, the two long replies I don’t think made it to you, or maybe they did, I will check again soon. First I want to say thank you thank you thank you!!! I am not sure yet what to do yet, but after I wrote to you, after reading many of the comments , so much made sense to me. I am remembering the “odd” things from childhood and my adult life that maybe explains me. I feel like I have been in limbo all my life. I always knew something was wrong with me. This might sound weird but I will share…yesterday I was so overcome writing a comment that I was shaking in my body, literally I was typing and my hands and fingers were shaking!!! I could feel my insides as well shaking, I can’t remember ever a time in my life having quite that sorta reaction to something. It was good though, I’m not sure what all this means for me yet, I have a lot to write about to make some sense of it all. And I just checked out two books on aspergers. look me in the eye, and pretending to be normal. I know in my gut all this has significant meaning for me. Just off the top of my head, I also don’t hardly ever get jokes, unless they are very childlike and simple. All my life I am the one saying, hmmm, I don’t get it. And then the joke has to be explained to me. Or how I took out all the bright light bulbs in my house and I use mostly x-mas lights, because bright lights make me nervous, and even angry inside. All my life people thru out my life have said I am very naïve and innocent , like way way younger than my age. Or the time I walked into water when I was with my Dad at a very young age, a child, I didn’t even realize it, until my Dad said …Bandie Bandie, gee meneez ..I can remember just feeling calm like I was in a dream , and I still didn’t comprehend I was standing in water with my shoes and socks on!!..I have always remembered that, and I don’t remember a lot of my childhood, and I am extremely forgetful, yet I am studying Spanish and am very good at memorizing when I really want to. Actually I am surprisingly good at this. But I can forget what I had for dinner the night before!!!! Or the time someone that used to be close to me, well sorta, I kept him at a distance, like I always do with people. But anyway, I was in a lot of pain I remember and he hugged me, and I was like in shock!!! Because I knew in that moment I had never felt comfort in a hug. Then I thought about how I didn’t remember my mom ever hugging me, she must have though, and what has always surprised me about this is that when I honestly looked at that, I realized I didn’t even want a hug from her, or give her a hug. That sounds awful. It may explain why I always felt like I was a bad mom because as my daughter got into her teenage years I noticed she was able to receive love from other mothers. I felt I must be an awful person. I do love her, our relationship has blossomed, and she tells me I was a great mom and that she knows I love her. I never needed people. I always did most everything by myself. I rarely and I mean rarely have any one over my house. This has always caused me so so much stress. I apologize this is so long. I feel like I am meeting myself for the first time??? All the things I am now remembering and seeing about me, resembles so much of what I have read so far. I am joyful, and very sad, like I have been living my life in a shell, even from myself in a big way, and I think I am very aware of myself. Like another person I am meeting, yet it’s me all along. I think I have felt split in two and fragmented for many years now, always wondering what the hell is wrong with me. I just ache and long to be me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But I know if I was, especially in public, people might think I was crazy. Because I hold up sometimes ok, but as I have gotten older, it’s like my mold is breaking up, my seams have definitely come way way apart. I feel gratitude for your sight, like maybe I will know who I am , who God made me to be. Maybe it’s not so bad after all. Is there a way not to put my last name?
Oh so lovely. I absolutely adore your free-flowing comment.
And also, my son has autism, he is so sweet, doesn’t speak, funny I intuitively knew when I carried him something was way wrong. Maybe wrong is not the word, but I knew something was up with him. He is 13 now and life is a challenge every day, but I love him with all my heart, I have always been able to hug and kiss him, and we get each other, we are both so silly and have always had fun together.
I wrote about my son today 🙂 Much love to you on this journey. You are you and exactly made in perfection 🙂
Thanks, I am experiencing so so much, like I am coming apart again but for healing. I am at the brink of tears the last two days. Like only days before I found your site, I have questioned for at least two years maybe a few more wether I have autism, and my mom, daughter, and sister. We seem to have some very specific things in common with what I am reading about aspergers. Anyway, only days before I found your site, I made this interesting piece of art, I will call it….because I am not sure what to call it. So my house was a total mess, I had a lot to do, then I started having this picture in my head of me broke in pieces and strings attached. I don’t know if something set it off, my memory over everyday stuff is just horrible. So I had the urge so strong to give it life, and it usually is unlike me to not get my work done first, but this last year I have been giving myself permission to take breaks or I get burnt out fast. So in the middle of a big mess I drew a picture of me, just like if you traced only the outside of yourself. Then I made all kinds of lines to show the breaks all over, Then I was moved so so strongly to cut her down the middle, I don’t understand this but I could feel in my heart it was a big truth for me. so I cut out myself, then I cut out the pieces, leaving one side whole but broken, the other side I sewed with thread back together leaving a good length between each piece, and then I glued it all on red tissue paper. And the next day or so I colored her pieces with crayons! It was like I was moved to do this, like I wasn’t doing it, but maybe my subconscious, or my truth that I have been struggling since I was a young child. I had this vision almost 20 years ago, and I was floating in space and all the strings attached to me and my pieces were attached to the earth. I remember thinking why am I so far away from everyone, I felt so much pain. I mean deep deep pain, that drew my close to God and forever changed me. But how weird now to read about aspergers/autism and everyone saying they don’t fit in, they feel invisible to the world etc…and I think this vision that has stayed with me for all these years, like I forget ALOT, but this remained exactly the same all these years in the picture in my mind. Anyway, please be honest if this is too much to write. But I think maybe someone else will relate and feel more free in their soul. I know that yesterday and today I was in town, and am againg today wich I don’t do but once a week, and rarely two times in a week. My point that I have had the opportunity to be in everyones view, and the most interesting thing is happening, like I said I am on the brink of tears, I feel less afraid to be myself, and be awkward as I usually am in front of others, usually it’s like I want to flee and I can feel such pressure to try to speak even at times that I literally have to close my eyes put my head down and spit my words out, because this happens right in the middle of speaking with people. I am still me and very uncomfortable but I had more acceptance for myself. Then today I see three people I know of and one girl I always was drawn to her, she is so sweet. Anyway it dawned on me they are all on the spectrum, I don’t know them well enough to ask, but I live in small town and I have seen the one mother and daughter at the “activities”
where I was for my son with autism, and the other girl I have talked to her and her mom many many times. I make a lot of acquaintances but it scares the hell out of me to get closer. But as I watched the mother and daughter I realized so much. The little girl was so uncomfortable I could see her intrepidity to even be in the hair salon. I might sound crazy but I could see even myself in her, that feeling when you are somewhere and you look around feeling like a fish out of water, but doing what you have to do to be in this world. And her mom I noticed thru the years always looks so scattered and harried, and nervous, like her uncomfortableness and overloaded senses were busting out for all to see, and I have always felt for her, I thought boy she is like me raising a child with autism and needs a break. And now I just sit here thinking she must have aspergers, she is like me, like a mirror, like I know her more than I do. She just has a lot more to handle or I hide it well, well I did I think for many years, but I have come undone and the real me has been busting out also. Then the girl I know she was with her brother, they are young adults with autism or aspergers, her mom told me this. And when I saw her we both were so happy to see each other, and as I struggled to speak and I waited to understand her words because she too was having trouble with the communication, it was like a veil lifted and I was with someone just like me and my heart went out to her. I can’t believe what I keep realizing and all these years it was like all hidden from me!!The girl that reads and reads and reads, mostly Christian books of psychology or personal stories of others who have struggled…to try to help myself get to myself so I can learn and learn to understand how to help myself. But it’s like this “autism” has been right there all my life undiscovered!!!! And I knew something was so different about me, all my shy years, clumsiness, spaciness, losing where I am because I am so overwhelmed with where I am or I have had too much in a store etc…my stuttering, my lack of gracefulness with others all my life when it comes to speaking with others, Always having to focus so hard, like right now i’m in the library and a man in front of me , I cannot keep him out of my head!!!! I keep losing my thoughts!!!! And ofcourse I am awful on computers they do the damndest things!!! So I thought I lost my comment again, and I went up to ask her to please help, and she used the “scroll thing” on the mouse!!! All these years I didn’t know I could use that and what it did ,like I didn’t notice it, but now I see I have always seen it but never gave it any thought because I never even considered the thought it had a use??!! I am always like this missing the obvious, I always said if my head wasn’t attached I would be like a chick running around with no head!!!! Thank you if you read thru all this. I just have a lifetime falling all around me from a storehouse of a life lived disconnected and I am connecting the pieces, I think?
yes, you are! and your words are wonderfully real and authentic. Thank you for sharing. The art process is wonderful… so healing. And your insights are brilliant. You can contact me on Facebook. Look to the left under author contact information. All the best to you. And too long? NEVER. Have you seen my posts…. 🙂 hehe Much love
A few years ago, one of our local residents, Mac Vorce, who is also a bicycle enthusiast petitioned
for the development of bicycle paths and trails. It is an industry norm that you
offer a hotel room for the comedian at the same time.
He represented his homeland in four Olympics and is a three-time indoor world champ in the 1500 meters.
I read this as my son is ASD, and now I suspect my 4 year old daughter is and wanted some direction. As I read, I read the story of MY life. MY views,my worries, my tactics for dealing with things. I cried some as it dawned on me that I was an Aspie as well. Thank you for being honest and direct (like me lol). I could not explained WHO I am or what I feel everyday any more perfectly.
Yay :)))
M – I am having great success with supplements with my family. If you would like to talk then contact me at my eamil address: mschwaby13@gmail.com and we will go from there. I will provide you with the names of the companies who have the supplements and knowledge about your concerns and I can share with you my experiences. I am only sharing because I want others to have a good life too. Thank you, Mark
Holy poop. I just started dating a guy that is a little “weird”. I’ve been talking about him to people and someone thought he sounded like he has AS. I researched it and I do think that is what he has. However, I then came across symptoms of it in women and low and behold I fit into almost every trait. I knew I was highly sensitive, socially awkward and a little different then most but I’m an artist and just wrote it off as being an artist type. I see now I probably am an extremely high functioning Aspie! I can’t believe it, I’m 31 years old and I would have never ever considered this, but your descriptions above, paired with others I’ve found, describe me to a T. Thank you for this post, it has been enlightening.
🙂 great
I can relate to pretty much everything on this list. I have Asperger’s myself, and also maintain a blog (when I can!) called A Rather Strange Day. Should be first result on Google if you look 😛
I wholeheartedly agree that we are always ‘on’, always analysing, or thinking, or feeling, which makes it hard to just get things done. I think you might find my last couple of posts interesting, on Intense World Theory. I find it describes my experiences extremely well, and explains a lot.
Great post!
thank you; I will pop over to take a look.
thank you so much for your post! I noticed that my brain just seemed to work differently than everyone elses as a teenager… I felt and feel just so alone and different… It is great to know that there are more people like me out there! =) I really try to understand how others minds work, but dont always meet understanding when trying to explain how I am different! You put it in such great words, that I can totally relate too! I never got an “official” diagnosis, but feel that calling myself an aspie, has helped me to accept my differentness, even though it is still tough a lot of the time… Thanks so much for putting so much of my thoughts into words =) I might just share this with some friends and colleagues, in hope that they might get a glimpse of what it means to be me!
:))))
thank you so much for this post! Is was as if reading a description of my life =) I’ve spent way too much time in my life just feeling different… first noticed in school that my brain just seemed to work completely differently than everyone elses… I think I might just share this with some friends and colleagues, so say can get a glimpse of whats going on in my mind! again: thank you so much for writing this!!! =)
you are welcome 🙂
Hi. I am 20 yrs old and I have suspected i had aspergers for several years now. I even went to a psychiatrist but she told me i couldn’t have it bc I didn’t show certain behaviors. I even started to doubt wether i was an aspie or not but i saw a description of girls with aspergers in a book and became more sure than ever that I do have aspergers. Do you have any suggestions for getting a diagnosis. From the perspective of a psychologist what would you say is a way to facilitate the process. I’m very shy and tend not to be able to speak in front of people, especially a psychologist. Thanks in advance.
I called around for months asking. Finally went 30 minutes outside town to a man who was open to discussing female traits, as a lot of psychologists don’t understand in USA
Hi ET, I left a response below in the blog awile ago. I since learned that some take the “reprogramming” offensive. It more so at a scientific level with neuro-balancing and cognitive clarity. it is up to you todo the research. I sugest that you contact Amen Clinics and get a list of their professionals are consult with themover the telephone. Best Wishes, Mark – mschwaby13@gmail.com
COGNITIVE CLARITY FIRST then reprogramming can be done. I am a neuro-typical husband. My beautiful wife is an apsie with OCD. I have been able to CORRECT the main cause (this is a neurobiological issue). All of our boys have a piece of the aspie as well. The corrective measures are from the use of supplements (not meds). I did all of the research on my own and made observations for over 2 years now. It has been incredible what the benefits are with the supplements. It has basically fixed the audio processing problem that they all have and some of the over-thinking from intrusive thoughts. They now all have cognitive clarity and are able to work out daily conflicts or misunderstandings. CBT and biofeedback are now affective. And, it is a current and forward working progress. The past, in many cases, will work itself out. This has been easier with the younger boys age 17 and 20. All aspie family members are taking 2 Omega-3 and 4 Nuerolinks from Amen Clinics. They take this dosage 3 times a day and sometimes a “booster” (half dose) late afternoon. Please go to Amen Clinics website and click on the store button and read and read and read. Go get their books. Learn the functions of the brain and how aspie brain wiring tends to be different. The main benefits that my family receives is “brain food”; the omega-3 assist in the general overall health of the brain. It’s like oil for a car engine – just gotta have it, it makes the car or brain run smoothly. The Neurolinks have to roles: the first are the calming affects to areas of the brain that are overactive, it takes away the “noise” and calms it down; then, the other ingredients, amino acids, pick up the activity of the areas of the brain that lag. As one of the Amen clinic doctor’s told me “imagine a person with poor vision who then puts on a pair of prescription glasses for the first time”. Please note that the dosage stated was not taken immediately. We worked on that amount over a couple of months. However, effectiveness was immediate! And, noticeably, with each dose, it takes about 3-5 minutes to get the nutrients to the brain. The next 3-6 months bring remarkable improvements! FYI… if you are not sure what the heck this is all about then please call the clinic and pay for one of their consultants and ask questions! This may not be an answer for all of you, however, I know it works first hand!!! My statement to aspies is to simply know this: today’s science is all about the brain and we no longer just focusing on nourishing the body to be the best athlete or in good health. Also, a side note, we recently started taking one NeuroPS from Amen Clinics twice per day, more brain food. In addition, if this does not phase you or seems expensive then experiment on yourself with foods that may do the same. Example, how do you feel after eating a big piece of salmon (omega-3) and maybe avocado (tryptophan)? Also, another side note – D3 is very affective for Alzheimer’s!!! Mom is taking 3 doses per day of 2000 IU from Bluebonnet Nutrition, another great source of quality supplements. Again, a side note, most psych and medical professionals are way behind in this stuff. Please benefit from this! God Bless!
Hi Mark
I think it is too bad to think about “reprogramming”.
Just because we aspires don’t fit well into the system doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with us – perhaps it is the system!
New research in Complex Systems Theory is, I am sure, going to help validate why aspies will thrive – simply because some of us have brains that are beautifully honed to complex thinking. The world needs complex thinkers – our time is here (but for now, most people haven’t recognized it – yet).
Hi CJuilian,
Thank you for your response and very well stated. I do agree with you. I prefer not to say or think that there is something “wrong” with any aspie. There are many great people in the past and present who are aspies and have advanced mankind and womankind greatly. My wife is a fantastic teacher with many accolades and her students benefit greatly. However, based on my experience at home and reading books and blogs, like this blog, an aspie has concerns how they feel each day and relate to other people. Per Daniel Amen, this is primarily neurobiological and tends to be a genetic inheritance. As my father said many times – “it is what it is”. Relating to neurobiology, it is how our brain develops. There is a clear understanding today that the neuroplasticity in our brain development will vary from person to person. The typical apsie will have areas of the brain that are over active and other areas of the brain that are under-active. The variance of activity will differ per aspie person. A person, like myself, does not have the over active areas and under-active areas of the brain to the degree of an aspie and we a considered “neuro-balanced”. Please note that a person who is neuro-balanced does not mean they are better than those who are not neuro-balanced. However, we typically do not share the same concerns to the extent that an aspie does. Hence, as I mentioned in the above posted comment, getting my family to be neuro-balanced has been successful thru supplements (not meds). Their daily concerns were significantly improved! The application of supplements is a process to understand, yet anyone can experiment with themselves or others that they care about.
Now for the good news, in my opinion, an aspie who takes supplements and becomes neuro-balanced or closer to neuro-balanced does not change their personality. And, an aspie’s talents are not affected! In fact, as particularly experienced by my oldest son, his talents were enhanced. His talents blossomed significantly and better yet he was well aware of this cognitively. He has been thrilled with this and he has stated that the concerns he had before are greatly reduced and do not interfere with his life goals. With my family, thru consistent use of supplements, OCD is greatly reduced or better managed, not getting stuck in negative thought(s). In addition, a primary condition they all share is a weakness in audio-processing and it is corrected by the use of supplements.
This is not easy to write about. This affects my family and I am trying my best to be there to help and at the same time being respectful of them as for who they. I write here because of the quality of this blog and I believe that many of the apsies that visit this blog may benefit from my research, experience and the use of supplements. I believe, one of the correlations between myself and those who write and or read this blog is that we all seem to be proactive and want to seek to better ourselves. God Bless, Mark.
Mark, I agree. I am a 65 year aspie and not liking it one bit. I also suffer from high anxiety and low level depression. I am retired as a full time volunteer artist. I have ALWAYS had a very difficult socializing. One new person in a small group I have over time developed “safe” relationships with can cause a meltdown. Going to church is very difficult. One because of all the touching, shaking hands, patting, hugs, two because the preaching is just garbled words to my ears. Going to a restaurant is a process of finding a place without loud music, TV’s blaring or too much commotion.
Today I could not go out on a ladies day out with other volunteers. Those days out with other ladies have never been successful and have caused severe anxiety and panic. Someone talking too much, riding in a car with 3 or 4 others, feeling trapped.
I am stuck in negative patterns of thinking that I have struggled with to stop. SAM-E has controlled the depression and L-theanine helps but does not cure the anxiety. I have suffered all my life from the Asperger’s, depression and anxiety. For some it just might be fine to be different, but my difference hurts and I hate it. I cried this morning because I wanted to go out with the others, but could not. My husband is a constant encouragement to me as you are to your family. Without his support I would be dead..period. He loves me and supports me just as I am. He knows I cannot make myself be different. If I could change my brain, I would. I am happy for those who appreciate being an Aspie, but I don’t. I would love to be able to enjoy being with others, have normal empathy, say the right things, not flinch when touched. Being different and needy is not fun.
Boy do I identify with you . I am 65 , retired CNA , lonely but dread making new social contacts . Large groups and noises make me run for cover. Would like 1 friend , male or female that will understand and accept me . I was so busy raising 4 children , often working 2 jobs , I
don’t know where to start . I like birding ,canoeing , fishing or an Amtrac trip.
Mark
You are obviously passionate about what you have discovered, and I appreciate your willingness to share your discovery, and clarify what had struck me as problematic.
I will keep my eyes and mind open to the supplements that you mentioned.
Thanks
wonderful 🙂
Thank you…I don’t have an Aspergers diagnosis but the more I study it, the more I believe I probably have it. You voiced so many of the things I am aware of about myself and find “weird” when compared to others. It’s nice to have them voiced by someone else and know I am not alone. :o)
🙂
Thank you…I don’t have an Aspergers diagnosis but the more I study it, the more I believe I probably have it. You voiced so many of the things I am aware of about myself and find “weird debt relief
Wow thank you sooooo much for writing this!!! My daughter has Asbergers, she’s 16, we’ve tried many times over the years to explain how Lauren ‘works’, but it so hard to express things when everything seems to be either a contradiction or grey area
You’ve done this perfectly!! It’s such a relief to see someone put into words what Loz can only feel 🙂 xxx
🙂
Great write! I definitely connect with what you’re saying. 🙂 I’m also an Aspie-Girl blogger. Feel free to stop by any time. 🙂
Allie.
Gosh I see myself in this. It’s like a mirror. I’m wanting to start my own aspie blog since I’m working on my memoir of growing up in LA in the entertainment biz with aspergers…not easy! I’m trying to learn about posting and what to blog about, and what not to 😉
Thank you for your blog.
Loved this.
Thank you!
Thank you for your insights and this list (I love self-diagnostic check lists!). I found you searching about my son, and what I found was myself. I can’t really express my emotion over this right now, but I was compelled to contact you. As a mom of three boys, they are always asking me to play….have you had anyone ask you about this? I have the hardest time playing, and playing with them. I find myself OK with doing something active with them, but am so impatient to play, or I just zone out, and then I have to move on. I need additional help finding someone who can work with me so I don’t mess them up, not knowing who I am. I almost checked off everything on your list. I think I’m in a quiet state of shock, relief and fear…what if I become the pariah of the family? Thank God that I can understand more about why I am the way I am! Jeez! It’s been me all along, I can’t blame my husband (who I have my suspicions about! LOL)
Totally explains why I felt different from everyone in my family (sadly I felt more normal, but not in a “better than them” kind of way, isn’t that weird)…you are the first recipient of my initial feelings and thoughts based on this discovery. Who do I go to get a formal check list? How about my son, who is like me but way more overt?
God bless you Sam, He got to me through you, and you’ve been part of a supernatural event orchestrated by the Spirit….
May your peace be mine one day, so I can finally sleep at night, so I can finally know something, and not feel like I’ve guessed everything.
🙂 thank you 🙂
this is the closest thing to a formal check list for females. This list has been published in a peer reviewed psychology journal. 🙂 Best wishes and thank you again. 🙂
I am sorry; I am not sure why. i will try to remember if and when I see it. Much love.
so I’m going a bit overboard commenting today, but for over a year now I’ve searched and searched. My little daughter is autistic, awaiting diagnosis. The first time I found an aspie-girl blog I cried and cried as I felt so well described. What Seed of Faith says about playing with her boys rings so true. I cannot play with my two boys, I just line the playmobil up and then zone out. When they were small I felt so dysfunctional I thought they should be taken into care. Luckily it all went well (so far).
Sadly I was in an abusive realtionship with their father. He picked on and exploited all the things that make me me. It was very hard, though I got my beautiful children. He tried to kill my spirit by trying to improve me, and in the end nearly killed me and our daughter (physical violence). Still I feel sorry for him with his issues. This last year has been such a rollercoaster. My parents helped me and the kids to come home, and I feel I’ve come home in spirit too by reading about autism and asperger. My daughter has saved me, and I feel happy and comfortable for the first time since I was a kid.
I’m jsut happy to find these blogs as they provide a safe place for me when life gets a bit much. Thanks Sam.
you are most welcome 🙂 much love
Aspergers Girl,
I have a male friend who appears to share many of the behavioral traits associated with Aspergers. He has stated this to me, and I can agree based on what I have been reading ,and observed when I am with him. He has not been formally diagnosed, and he is 69 years old. My question and /or dilema is in how to relate to him. I like this man but I annoy him. The most recent issue was asking him too many personal questions, and he said it hurts for him to answer them, and I should be aware of it because of what I have read about Aspergers. He is right, but it was not my intent to be insensitive. I am open to suggestions on how to communicate w/out making him uncomfortable. Perhaps I should end any attempt to continue knowing him……I am at a loss and any suggestions would be helpful .
be as honest and truthful and open as you can; don’t take things personally. It requires much patience and unconditional love. Best wishes 🙂
Linda, I share your pain. I have an undiagnosed female friend who fits the mould of an Aspie, and has many behaviours in common. She refuses to accept any questions about her and is incredibly secretive. It’s been 21 months now and we haven’t even kissed. Probably never will. Incredibly difficult to deal with. I feel like I am the only one investing anything at all in the relationship and I have to do all the giving, it’s her way or no way. I don’t think she is aware of the effect her reticence has on me, and I suspect this is true of all Aspies to one degree or another as empathy is not something they are said to be good at. To be honest i feel like she imagines me to be a very clever toy robot which she can control and which has a fascinating interface. I worry that once she works it all out, I will become less interesting to her and she will move on. I do hope that is not how it is for you.
Note to the Aspies reading this: If you think us NTs ask too many personal questions, please realise that when people do this, it is because we really like you. it is only because we are looking for ways to learn how to please you and understand when we hurt you so that we can avoid those things. We might even be trying to identify things we enjoy too. You might think NTs are difficult to read, but it works both ways! 🙂
I love you all anyway…! 🙂
Nigel,
I truly appreciate your response. Not only is it informative, but it helps me realize that being a friend is about patience an acceptance.
Linda
Thanks Linda, in simple terms it is as though my “Aspie” is very good at giving, but terrible at sharing. She is a youngest sibling though, and they are always bad at sharing; in a family everything gravitates to the youngest.
Wow, this hit things right on the head for me. I am new to this world of aspergers but I know I have that. I have never spoken about these things and it seems you were writing for me. Thank you.
you are welcome
I’ve had a sudden recent introduction to the world of AS, when a friend I’ve made in the last year who has AS suggested I look up the traits and see if they fit me! I was taken aback – it was not something I’d ever considered and would probably have put it down as hypochondria or anxiety or paranoia if I had thought of it. But she and I have so much in common, we feel so much the same way about things, so I took a look…
… and yes, so much does fit me. I’ve printed out this blog and underlined all the bits that I specially relate to – there are quite a lot.
But now I’m not sure what to do. I’m 44, happily married to an extremely supportive, lovely man, with 2 healthy happy boys. In many ways my life is good. So should I try for a diagnosis? Would it help to get one? What benefits would it have? Might my children have AS or related conditions too and if so would it be better for them if I was “officially” diagnosed and/or if they were?
I don’t know whether I’m being a fraud and picking up on some traits that can occur in neurotypical women too or whether the collection of traits I relate to add up in total to me being an aspie. I don’t even know for sure whether I’m really feeling this way about it all, or whether I’m copying the traits to make myself more aspie – and does that in itself make me more aspie?
I don’t know. I just know that I cried when I read through a list of female aspie traits and related so well to them and that I so want to find if this is the answer to many of the problems I’ve experienced in life!! It’s all got me very emotional. In fact writing this has got me in years again!
One key issue for me is this – would a diagnosis help me with my depression and anxiety? Can just knowing for sure make it easier to deal with this? Because at times I’m crippled by these problems which make bringing up my beautiful children as I wish to extremely hard!
very common question. It’s up to each person. Do you need closure? Would it help any relationships? The toughest part is finding a professional who knows aspergers. Feel free to contact me for private discussion through the link to the left: Facebook.
Here is a response I wrote in the past. Someone did not like the word reprogramming and I apologized for it and my response is below this posting:
COGNITIVE CLARITY FIRST then reprogramming can be done. I am a neuro-typical husband. My beautiful wife is an apsie with OCD. I have been able to CORRECT the main cause (this is a neurobiological issue). All of our boys have a piece of the aspie as well. The corrective measures are from the use of supplements (not meds). I did all of the research on my own and made observations for over 2 years now. It has been incredible what the benefits are with the supplements. It has basically fixed the audio processing problem that they all have and some of the over-thinking from intrusive thoughts. They now all have cognitive clarity and are able to work out daily conflicts or misunderstandings. CBT and biofeedback are now affective. And, it is a current and forward working progress. The past, in many cases, will work itself out. This has been easier with the younger boys age 17 and 20. All aspie family members are taking 2 Omega-3 and 4 Nuerolinks from Amen Clinics. They take this dosage 3 times a day and sometimes a “booster” (half dose) late afternoon. Please go to Amen Clinics website and click on the store button and read and read and read. Go get their books. Learn the functions of the brain and how aspie brain wiring tends to be different. The main benefits that my family receives is “brain food”; the omega-3 assist in the general overall health of the brain. It’s like oil for a car engine – just gotta have it, it makes the car or brain run smoothly. The Neurolinks have to roles: the first are the calming affects to areas of the brain that are overactive, it takes away the “noise” and calms it down; then, the other ingredients, amino acids, pick up the activity of the areas of the brain that lag. As one of the Amen clinic doctor’s told me “imagine a person with poor vision who then puts on a pair of prescription glasses for the first time”. Please note that the dosage stated was not taken immediately. We worked on that amount over a couple of months. However, effectiveness was immediate! And, noticeably, with each dose, it takes about 3-5 minutes to get the nutrients to the brain. The next 3-6 months bring remarkable improvements! FYI… if you are not sure what the heck this is all about then please call the clinic and pay for one of their consultants and ask questions! This may not be an answer for all of you, however, I know it works first hand!!! My statement to aspies is to simply know this: today’s science is all about the brain and we no longer just focusing on nourishing the body to be the best athlete or in good health. Also, a side note, we recently started taking one NeuroPS from Amen Clinics twice per day, more brain food. In addition, if this does not phase you or seems expensive then experiment on yourself with foods that may do the same. Example, how do you feel after eating a big piece of salmon (omega-3) and maybe avocado (tryptophan)? Also, another side note – D3 is very affective for Alzheimer’s!!! Mom is taking 3 doses per day of 2000 IU from Bluebonnet Nutrition, another great source of quality supplements. Again, a side note, most psych and medical professionals are way behind in this stuff. Please benefit from this! God Bless!
My response to reprogramming comment:
My apologies! I did not mean to offend. I probably should state in better terms. However, please note that I am trying to express positive results with various supplements – more so at a scientific level with neuro-balancing and cognitive clarity. The experiences I am having with my family is real (and serious) and positive. Discussions on how each person felt before taking the supplements and how they feel today is quite amazing. They have all expressed significant differences with the supplements and are all very happy to be on the supplements. I have discussed all of the results or differences with a professional at Amen clinics. This was important to me so that I best understand how my family responds for the better, especially since I do not go thru what they do. I love my family dearly and I have spent the last two years diligently trying to help them overcome what were once very difficult issues they endured. However, just the supplements alone are not enough. What has also helped is to understand what was happening with processing thoughts before and after taking the supplements. There is an empathy (theory of mind) issue that takes place and in order to best understand this long explanation is necessary. I will not discuss here unless there is a true interest. Again, my apologies, I do not want to insult anyone. I am only trying to share some very positive results I am experiencing with my family. I will not post here again unless respectfully asked. God Bless, Mark
FYI… I do appreciate your comment. I have not had any feedback until now. If there is a better way to express my experiences that may benefit others (and not offend) then I am happy to rewrite my discussions. Thank you, Mark
Dear Mark, I am a parent of a teenage girl who fits almost 100% of the symptoms of an Aspie. I was so happy to read this post so we can try to help our daughter!!! Thank you so much!!!! I’m going to try your suggestions and also recommend them to my father who may have mild Alzheimer’s disease. Thanks again!!!
Thanks. I will probably contact you through Facebook shortly.
And Mark, thank you for your insight.
Hi! Thank you for this post. I have been wondering if I have aspergers, and can relate to the way you see the world – I agreed with jus over 75% of what you said, although I felt I couldn’t ‘check’ some I felt may be true without thinking about it for longer. The only aspie trait i think I don’t have is a special interest (I obsess over things, but they change all the time). I particularly relate to your comments about female aspires being philosophical and seeing things in many ways at the same time. I wonder if any of you have ever experienced a feeling where you thing of several things all at the same time, but don’t actually think about each of them, you just know they are suddenly there, fully formed (but you haven’t actually processed what they are yet). A bit like having a box paper in your head, that you haven’t got round to opening yet. I like this feeling when working on an intellectual task, but when doing something practical, such as cleaning my room, the ‘boxes’ pile up and get confused. Does that make any sense, or am I just completely insane?
Thank you, thank you, thank you, Sam! Your writing is like a window into my daughter’s mind. It’s as if she wrote this herself. We have been struggling to understand her all her life, make her feel loved and special, yet help her fit in and now we understand her so much better. All the pieces of the puzzle are finally making sense and she is about to turn 15. We are going to be meeting with an autism team to figure out what to do from here. You are an angel, Sam, for sharing your story and helping countless aspie girls and their families. Thank you again!!!!!
thank you. You warmed my heart ❤
I can relate to much of what you said in your post. Well written and informative.
Wow this really hit home.
🙂
Reblogged this on My Journey and commented:
One of the best symptoms lists that I’ve found for female aspies..
Wow! You have described my 6year old. She was diagnosed at 4 with Aspergers. Thank you so much for sharing. If I could ask you two things. Are you happy? Do you have joy? I know you face many challenges. All I read all the time is about all the difficulties my daughter is going to face. I watch her face them now. I always wonder if she will be happy as an adult. I want the best for her. Even I have a hard time understanding her some days. How will other people? Besides the hours of therapies she has everyday. What can I do for her to make life a happy place for her? Thank you again.
Yes, I am happy and I have joy, but I have a huge grasp of my reality, and recognize that with each joy and happy coming there is also the equal opposite. I have found my most relief in honing my own gifts, connecting and serving, and in honoring myself and wishes. It is hard to know my own wishes, as I feel and see so much in others. Bless you for loving your daughter so. Read the post on Freeing my daughter with Aspergers. Let me see if I can find the link for you.
https://aspergersgirls.wordpress.com/2013/05/31/416-how-i-would-free-my-daughter-with-aspergers/
Thank you so much for this post. I was diagnosed as being Bipolar last year. Funnily enough not by my psychiatrist of 3+ years but by a new psychiatrist after less than 2 sessions. For over a year now, this diagnosis has made no sense to me and as I tried to come to terms with it I started doing research. I went through one month of medication trials but nothing worked and the side-effects were horrid, so I stopped going to the doctor and continued living my life. I have pretty bad OCD and a history of eating disorders. And my OCD withholds me from being impulsive. I can’t even go to a store without planning it and the route a week in advance – so it’s quite an odd diagnosis. I am socially awkward and I generally need to drink a lot to interact with anyone. I find myself trying to make excuses so I wouldn’t need to attend any events… and it seems the doctor felt this was mood based. I mean don’t get me wrong, it gets so depressing not being able to do ‘normal’ things mostly because everyone is so judgmental about it. In a store or mall I progress from being mildly annoyed to full on agitated and sometimes have fits of rage because it feels like everything is too loud, too bright, people are too close. I get so overwhelmed that I just want to get out at that second. I dread going any place except my house where I only deal with my cat and my fiance (He’s an Aspie). I even work from home and run a company where I only deal with clients via email and Skype (I’m a Graphic designer). I know you’re probably thinking I’m blabbing on – or well that’s my default setting, I think that people think certain things – but it wasn’t until I read this post and I got to the bit about ‘holding the pencil incorrectly’ that I wanted to cry. As a child my primary school teacher wanted to keep me behind for an extra year because I was incapable of holding a pencil correctly, my parents were mortified and I remember feeling like an idiot. I, to this day, prefer writing with rounded pencil because it’s easier to hold. And as a 27 year old female I still can’t tell right from left, I can drive but I refuse to because of the anxiety and the fear that I cannot focus on more than one spot. My fiance told me to start doing some reading as he was convinced that I was an Aspie, but the differences between male and female Aspies are quite significant. So after reading this post I needed to know more as these were just a few things that jumped out at me. I’m pretty sure the doctor messed up and I want to thank you because things finally make more sense to me. I don’t feel like I’m completely lost or the weirdest person in the Universe in stead things are making sense to me. So thank you.
wonderful to read about you. thank you for sharing. and the best to you. You are welcome
Hello. I have AS and the sound sensitivities to go with. At one point, I was barely leaving home due to becoming dangerously upset in public. It wasn’t until I underwent tinnitus retraining therapy (TRT) that my sensitivity levels came up. This is expensive non-invasive therapy, so I would only recommend it if you either have severe tinnitus or hyperacusis. Noise cancelling headphones don’t help with people and animal noise as this type of technology amplifies those sounds.
Simple earmuffs work wonders for me and so do silicon earplugs (both with a NRR of 33). A combination of therapies helped me, but the biggest improvement was the addition of wearing passive earmuffs. If the sounds of children, traffic and animals are a painful problem for you, I would say to try the earmuffs. Earplugstore.com has affordable products with a money back guarantee. I enjoy cats too, they don’t bark 😉
P.S. It is awesome that you can work from home. More needs to be available as I could work part-time from home too if there was economic opportunity. I am 35 and relate to much of what you are saying in your post. Thank you for sharing your story.
Hi! That post is just amazing! I identify with about 99% of it too. I’m in the process of being diagnosed and am blogging about it. I would love to put a link to this post on there if you don’t mind? I of course would not copy and paste any of the text, just want to post a link to your site and wanted to make sure it was okay with you first. 🙂 I won’t do it unless I hear back from you. Either way, the amount of time you put in to that is admirable. I, and I am sure many others, appreciate it immensely. I look forward to reading more from you.
sure, thank you for asking and best wishes 🙂
Thank you!
I’m a 52 year old woman who found out less than 2 years ago about Aspergers, that it is the cause/reason of who I am and why I do the things I do in so many ways. I have fought hard and long over the years to do my personal work, to try to fit in, so many attempts to fit-in.
Finally, after reading this, I feel at peace. I cried, I then laughed, and finally felt the heavy weight rise up from my stomach and off my chest. I’m not able to use enough correct words to fully describe what this has done for me… This is far more valuable to me than anything I could ever want.
My upbringing was convoluted with long term abuse, and so the assumption was made that it, my issues, were all about that. But once I recognized, and was able to deal with the PTSD, there was still something not right. This is the last of the pieces of the puzzle making it a whole and complete picture.
You are my HERO! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!
made my day THANK YOU
Reblogged this on Un blog pour mes reblogs.
Oh my god. This is me and I have never known until now (im 24).
🙂
Three years ago my daughter and son were both diagnosed ADD and Dyslexic. Soon after I was diagnosed at 36 years old. I was a 70 average kid in school…after discovering I had dyslexia & ADD, I started meds and went to college…4.0 grade average! Soon after I began homeschooling my children….our small town has very limited resources for Dyslexic programs. My daughter has always been a quirky child, I love that about her. But, the other day someone asked me if she had Aspergers. I had no idea what the woman was talking about. It turned out she was a teacher and worked with Autistic children. I was a little aggravated but, when I went home I started researching….my mind was blown! Things I had always just labeled as Chloeizems (her name is Chloe) turned out to be real signs of Aspergers.
And then today while doing more research I stumbled onto your blog….OMG!!! I cried as I read your words describe my entire life….the feelings…the traits…everything!!! At first I think I felt scared and
panicked. Then I began to laugh and feel completely relieved….I know why I feel the way I feel…with EVERYTHING! I grew up feeling alone, odd, weird and never fitting in. Not until my 30’s did I ever learn to love myself.
Thank you for sharing so much…you have touched my life in a way you will never know. And I know my little girl will be okay….I will teach her to love who she is….embrace her individuality…..and be a strong independent absolutely beautiful woman! God Bless!
What a beautiful comment. Feel free to join our facebook community (see link to the left) Best wishes to you and yours x
First of all, a happy new year to you and your family. I am 19 years old and from austria, my first language is german, so please forgive me for any grammar or spelling mistakes and especially punctuation.
You can’t imagine how much this helped me to understand myself. About half a year ago my parents went out and had a conversation with some friends of theirs. Those friends have a son with Aspergers, my parents never heared of it, they also did not know what autism was, so their friends explained some of the traits their son had, to them and the more my parents heard of it the more they suspected the possibility of me having it. There were just so many similarities. Sadly Autism isn’t well known in my country, so my parents did not recognize it in my childhood, and neither did any of my teachers in school or people I grew up with.
Anyways my parents started to inform themselves about autism and aspergers, they borrowed some informative books from their friends, talked with some people. When they were sure of the possibility of me having aspergers they talked to me about it, explained what they learned to me. After those conversations and some researche on my part, I kind of felt relieved. I wasn’t just some freak. There was nothing ‘wrong’ with me. There was a word for all this, a label. And most importantly to me, there were ways to help me learn to deal with social situations and such. We found out that our city had therapy programms, and help programms for people with autism. That gave me hope because I spent the last two years at home, I barely left my room because I just couldn’t handle people anymore. Nothing I did was right in their eyes, I was weird to them. I tried to change myself to fit in better, to imitate their bevaviour and it didn’t always work out. Most of my life I was ridiculed, laughed at or outright avoided by my pers. At age 17, fresh out of school and into a help programm for job searching youths.
The other kids there did not like me from day one, my interessts were too different, I was too different, once more I was the subject to ridicule and mean whispers behind my back. Regardless I tried my best to fit in but no one even bothered to take me seriously.
In addition to that I had to, of course, get a job, so I had a lot of job interviews. I was under a lot of pressure. That said, those interviews rarely ended well. Most of the time they did not like the way I spoke. I spoke in a slower way than they were used to, and it sounded rather monotonous. I always had to choose my words carefully before speaking them or they wouldn’t come out the way I wanted them to, if I wasn’t carefull enough and spoke too fast, without thinking what exactly I wanted to say, I would only get out a mess of a sentence that most people did not understand correctly. So because of the way I spoke they thought I was a rather lazy person and not very smart. They didn’t even consider giving me a chance to prove myself. Those constant failings hit me hard, very hard because I didn’t know what I was doing wrong, I got a lot of advice about how it’s best to act during situations like this and tried my best. It just did not work out. My self-esteem was completely destroyed. The pressure got worse and worse, and I did not know how to handle it. I stopped leaving my room. Didn’t want to talk to anybody anymore.
So learning that there was a reason why I did not understand the world around me and why things were how they were, was such a relieve to me. When my mother made an appointment in the local hospital for evaluation I felt hope and like a lot of pressure was lifted of my shoulders. The appointment is in February and I wanted to ask If I may copy your list and translate it into german, so I can show it to my parents and people who are important to me. It would make it a lot easier to explain how I feel about myself, others and the world around me, since I could not have found better words to describe it myself.
thank you for sharing part of your story. I am sure it will help others.
Hello Julia, you speak perfect English. I am a woman with Asperger’s autism and I thought you might want to check out these resources: OASIS @ MAAP: http://www.aspergersyndrome.org It is a resource site for those with autism and their families. I hope the appointment goes well. There are some other bloggers such as seventhvoice and aspergirls on WordPress who have great blogs about being female and having AS. I have one as well. Blessings!
autisticaplanet
thank you autistic planet 🙂
I will share your link on my facebook page
Reading this was almost like reading my own autobiography… It brought tears to my eyes to know that others are experienced exactly the same thing. How wonderful to know there are others who dread making phone calls and making decisions and countless other things that loom large and scary! Thank you so much.
you are most welcome 🙂
great article 🙂
:0)
I re-read your post. I had someone tell me that they thought I was intelligent-for being on the spectrum. I think this was a Dr. who evaluated me back in 2004. I used to write poetry back in the late 90’s and early 2000’s. I thought I would be writing poetry from that point on, but it dried up. The advent of digital photography made it possible for me to pursue and develop a deep interest of photography. I am so grateful I got past the sensory barrier of the flash. I’ve been actively shooting since 2007.
🙂
I know this post is nearly 3 years old, but I just wanted to say – thank you so much for writing it. Everything you’ve written sounds exactly like me. I go into sensory overload, I have trouble dealing with other people’s feelings and I worry about being left out for not liking the ‘right’ things. And people always comment on the way I hold my pen!
I run a blog about being a woman with Aspergers myself, though I haven’t posted on it much recently.
Still feels like yesterday… this post. 🙂 Or today. thanks for commenting
I’m really glad to have found your blog, I have never met anyone who seems so like myself. The headings here all apply to me, and quite a lot of the description but not all of it. I have not been diagnosed, but since I was a teen, when I knew about autism in its severe form but even before I knew there was such a thing as ‘mild autism’, or ‘Aspergers’, I have always thought that I had a mild form of autism. It just clicked one day for me – my obsessions at that age with making lists of various things and organising data rather than spending time with my peers, my interest in patterns and being good at maths and other schoolwork (except sports!), my tendency to have tics, along with my very, very low ‘social IQ’ as I called it! But some of my characteristics, I never thought of as being part of Aspergers, till finding your blog – yes, I have almost extreme empathy, I am a vegan, as I can’t stand not reducing the pain I cause others, to the minimum possible. I wrote many philosophical musings, trying to make sense of myself and the world, in my early 20s, and compiled many of them into a book. I spent a lot of time wondering how best to help the world, and did a lot of activism out of a sense of duty, which was good for me in that it brought me into contact with many people, but I would not have done it without feeling I needed to for the sake of my conscience! (quite a lot of it was research and writing and design though, which fit my personality well!) Now aged 33 I wonder whether to bother to get a diagnosis, whether it would be helpful or not, though something keeps nagging me to. But I have a husband who loves and understands me and my odd and quiet ways, accepts my lack of social skills when we ‘have’ go out socially, etc. My family do not all understand why I am ‘different’ but they all love me. I have work which I am currently enjoying, where I get to spend most of my time alone, but which is also nicely varied – I clean houses and do gardening for private clients. So I’m doing ok, I get depressed at times and would say my self-esteem is low, but all in all I don’t know whether to bother the health services with diagnosing me when actually, I don’t think it would make any material improvements to my life! Perhaps it’s enough to have ‘self-diagnosed’. Anyway, sorry to be long-winded! I think I will keep reading your blog though, it’s great to have found it!
I loved your sincere comment, kindred soul. Best wishes to you. Feel free to friend me on facebook through link on the left.
You know me!!!!! So few people do. 🙂 Thank you for this. Thank you thank you thank you.
you are most welcome
Both my husband, my son and I all have Asperger’s and the beauty of it is that we get to see how it is expressed in every way because my son is gay. Because the brain is different in a gay person, what I see is that many of the traits that I have as an Asperger female are also the traits that he has. He is probably far more like me than is father and I was unaware that either of us had Asperger’s until recently (he is now 23). He was actually the one who figured out his father had Asperger’s and he was officially diagnosed a few years ago. I think that being so close to my only child allowed me to teach him the social cues that women with Asperger’s use to negotiate the world and when we finally took the lengthy test and scored similarly and found we were on the spectrum, it all made sense. So I guess my point is that while men and women do present quite differently (my husband and I are world’s apart), when it comes to those who are more fluid as far as sexual identity, it is possible that their brains and their presentation as far as Asperger traits will also be far more fluid. I often pass your columns on to my gay son in order to help him better understand HIS more gender fluid brain too. Thanks for the great work!
Reblogged this on life is a high way .
Found this really insightful and it is very relevant to course I am on just now. Could it be shared with my class mates?
yes, please include blog link and my pen name Samantha Craft and let them know it is copyrighted (published in peer review journal) but they can make copies for personal diagnosis and use.
thank you so much for sharing your experiences and wisdom, it has brought a lot of light on myself and others.
🙂
hi thank you for posting this. it is very insightful. i myself have been diagnosed BPD ( borderline personality disorder) but have been told to look into aspergers, i have everyone of these that have been stated, im not sure how i would go about talking to someone about this and if people would just laugh at me for asking. i have trouble talking to people and they generally think im being rude cos i can do eye contact when talking, if you could give me any advice that would be great. thank you. also do u know if u can have bpd and aspergers thank you x
you can have both, and some have been misdiagnosed 🙂
Reblogged this on fortyfive9s and commented:
https://everydayaspergers.com/2012/02/10/aspergers-traits-women-females-girls/
I am a boy and I have asperger syndrome and I was researching asperger in general and found this site. Although I am not a girl and I know that Asperger syndrome is different in boys than girls but I read this article and a lot of the things you wrote here I feel and think as well so it’s good to know that there are others like me.
Yes, many males have similar traits; thank you for sharing
I think this list is amazing. I never really knew how much i feel into the spectrum until a year ago when I really started looking into why i didn’t mesh well with everyone around me.
I’m afraid to go to anyone for a diagnosis..I ‘blend’ well. I’ve studied how to act, when to say, what to do, that people just call me ‘eclectic’ when I slip up.I’m better at spacial reasoning and fixing things than most of my aspie friends(of whom I have many), I’m /good/ at tasks. I’m afraid people will think i’m looking for attention if I seek out an official label
Sorry for the over share but this is has been eating at me for months.
that’s not an over share in my book; thank you for your comment 🙂 Feel free to join our community on Facebook
Thank you for writing this. I am a 29 year old woman, diagnosed at 17. I hate having Aspergers. My family has been very supportive but people in general just love to hate me. My whole life I have wished I were someone else. I hope more people will read this and know it’s not my fault I am how I am. Things like my fear of driving make no sense to other people, and I am ashamed that people look down on me. My own husband doesn’t believe in Aspergers syndrome. I hope that in my next life I will be normal. I will never reproduce because I would not wish what I’ve been through on anyone. It is a lonely life.
I am sorry for your challenges and hope things improve. I hear you and understand.
Yes, I agree. As a 35 year old woman with AS, I relate to AS not being the wonderful blessing only that some with the condition make it out to be. I think in general that we humans, all of us, tend to be terrible to one another and need to slow down and be more patient. People with kids need to teach them early on and not act in a contrary manner. The people who look down on what they REFUSE to accept are the ones that need to be ashamed..and maybe have to eat some humble pie in their own lives. May God bless you, Laura and you as well Aspergers Girls.
God Bless you, too
Hi, Laura. I would like to write you directly, but I don’t know how. I hope you will read it. My name is Nadia. I am a 34 years old Russian woman. I am single and live with my mother and younger sister. I work at a translation agency as a Russian-French-English translator. I found this blog when I started to look for information about Asperger several months ago. I was never diagnosed and I am not sure if I have this syndrome but when I was reading the list of Asperger traits for females I recognized myself in many traits. It was almost my perfect description. And then I saw your post. You wrote: “My whole life I have wished I were someone else” and “I hope that in my next life I will be normal”. These are my own thoughts. “I wish I were someone else” is like my mantra these last days. At work and in my social life, in general, I try to be like all normal adult people but it is difficult for me and I feel like I just pretend. My younger sister tells me that I am too complex, than I think too much and that I should simplify. My friends love me but I know that my fears will make no sense to them. My mother is worried about me but she cannot help. Well, I just want to tell you that I understand you. And if you want to talk, or if somebody else want to talk, I will be very glad. I would like to talk to somebody who will not judge me.
Well, good luck to you all here 🙂
I personally understand the loneliness and isolation you feel. I am even more aware of it online, because I am clumsy there as well. Also, people can be meaner as they aren’t as accountable. I know I read a comment of yours regarding finances and therapy. If you live in the United States, you can apply for disability and Medicaid. I will give you the website for MAAP, an autism resource (they also have an online community) based out of Indiana.
http://www.aspergersyndrome.org MAAP stands for: More Advanced individuals with autism and Asperger Syndrome.
Their phone # is Phone:(219) 662-1311. They helped me and my mom out back in the late 90’s. I will say a prayer for you. There is no sickness or disorder in heaven. That dies with these flesh bodies. Trust in the Lord and he will make life bearable for you. Faith can be hard to hang onto @ times, but I know I have to practice it when faced with fear, (esp) rejection and isolation the most. God bless you. 🙂
“Dear Madam,
I would like to kindly ask you for the agreement of authorization of translating into romanian language of your blog whole article: https://everydayaspergers.com/2012/02/10/aspergers-traits-women-females-girls/ and posting the translation on one or both of the sites in the very near future:
https://anomismia.wordpress.com/
http://pepotecilesufletului.blogspot.ro/
“We will mention the source of the translation, i.e. your blog article.
Waiting for your agreements,
Sincerely yours Sandrina
Yes, that is fine. 🙂
Thank you so much for posting this! I’m a fifteen year old girl w/Aspergers and my mom linked me to this article. I’ve read a lot on this subject, trying to figure out more about myself and I’ve never connected with anything I’ve read more than this. I almost started crying because this put feelings and emotions I’ve had for years into words. You never really read much on how Aspergers affects girls and women; most articles I’ve seen are either from a male POV or have mostly male-centric traits in them, so I really wanted to comment and thank you for this. I know you’ve made me feel better about myself and I’m sure you’ve made others feel great too.
wonderful 🙂
Im 21 and was diagnosed at 15, the way you wrote this as well as what you said made so much sense to me, sometimes the struggle to find my own place in the world is hard but this makes me realise its not only me.
thank you for sharing
I found this via a Google rabbit-hole. It’s like reading my own private journal. I’m mechanically minded and maintain machinery for a living, and parallel park like a wizard, but shoulder-check doorframes on a daily basis–I can operate anything but my own body, apparently. Reading this makes me feel less alone, but no less unique. I struggle to connect so often, thank you for creating this space.
I’m a 39-yr old woman, with two boys, ages 21 and 16, on the spectrum in varying degrees. I’m pretty sure it runs in families. There’s a certain look I can’t quite name, but I see it.
thank you for sharing. Feel free to join us on Facebook. 🙂
I wanted to die laughing, when you wrote about the parallel parking and the highway issues. I have since progressed through most of those issues, but the parallel parking……it’s still a problem. I am actually pretty good at it, on most days, but I don’t try it, especially if there is someone in the car, or standing there watching.
I’ll hold my head up high, and drive around the corner until either I find another space, or the people are gone. Others never understand, but I know how my depth perception is, they don’t.
This is a great blog. I do occasional video blogs on the subject. My daughter is on the spectrum, and I “got her” from day one, despite not realizing that I was exactly as she until I had to scroll back in time, during my meeting with the specialist, at the Brown center for Autism.
All of the things you mentioned? Performing the things I had picked up here and there, from others throughout the journey, was my daily routine until I progressed to another stage of it, when I turned 30. One day, I decided that I didn’t want to perform and I just wanted to be myself. I went from being the life of the party to the “home is my place of refuge and the doors are to keep the rest of the world out” self of today.
I don’t know how old you are, but I wonder if you feel those transitions of mind, and where you are now?
I am 47 🙂 and I am more me than ever, but also seem to mirror others and become others without thought more than ever 🙂
Thank you for your blog. It is helping me understand my lovely and so wonderful daughter, who shared your link with me. I feel lucky I’ve been opened into these insights –
lovely and thank you
This was an amazing post 🙂 It helped me understand so much about myself 🙂
wonderful. I am turning the blog into a book soon, too! 🙂 best to you
I wrote a rough draft compiled of my posts, but don’t have any clue as how to market it. Do you mind sharing the process of searching and submitting? That is fine if you decide not to.
P.S. The best of blessings on your book. I can’t imagine it not being published. Your words are insightful & helpful. you have helped me & countless others who have visited and who follow your blog. Much like your blog title, your writing is casual vs. clinical. I hope that makes sense.
Until a month ago I didn’t know what the word aspergers meant…. It’s been a month of reading & self discovery (I’m 43). But this blog is by far the most relatable thing I have come across, it’s like you peered inside my head & saw my thoughts. But most importantly for the first time I felt UNDERSTOOD. I want to show this to my family in the hope they might too be able to understand a little bit about what makes me me 😊
wonderful. Can I quote you? I am working on a book and this is perfect. Please join our facebook community if you wish 🙂
Clearly you have spent a lot of time and consideration developing a way of articulating all these oh so difficult feelings to explain. Thank you for finding and sharing these words.
thank you and you are welcome
In some way or another these all fit. Being me can be so exhausting haha
I am a girl with aspergers and this is a perfect description. I find it hard when my family don’t always understand why I react or behave the way I do. I struggle with arguments and if I do so many things in a week I find I’m burnt out and stessed by the end of it. I’m always reading articles on aspergers because I need to make sense of my own mind so this article is great.
wonderful
Reblogged this on A Journey Into A Unique Mind and commented:
This list is a great list of what it’s like for a woman with aspergers.
thank you
Thank you for sharing this. I cried when I read it because it was so exactly what I go through, although I am currently trying to convince all of my “friends” that my diagnosis is accurate. I have only recently been diagnosed at the age of almost 35, and it has been an uphill battle to get my friends to acknowledge that it’s true. I have hidden so well, while struggling silently for so long, that only my mother accepts it.
❤ much love to you.
I’m crying while I am reading this. So I am not alone, finally all starts to make sense. Just pointed in the right direction by a kind therapist. I am 40 and suddenly I ‘belong’. You girls are me and I am you. Thank you for being, thank you for sharing.
❤ much love
Hello, I relate so much to all of this! I was wondering if I could have permission to copy paste this into a Word document I use as a journal. It would be with full citations and for personal use with the possibility of someday sharing it with a psychiatrist or councilor. Thanks.
yes :0) Also book will becoming out in Spring …
Thank you so much for writing this, I have never read something that so definitively defined me. It is as though you were in my head reading my mind, my life…. I have never considered aspergers, just thought I was different, broken somehow… Just stumbled across your page while looking for information about Bones. Thank you
you are most welcome 🙂
You’re not broken. That’s a bad and sadly, all to convincing thing society wants someone with a disability to think. I don’t know why. Perhaps it’s fear or convenience or both.
thank you 🙂 I know that now
I know exactly how you feel. As an Aspergers’ woman, I have had to pretend to be NT my whole life and it does get exhausting. And I still pretend to be NT. Is that a good thing? Probably not but it gets me to where I need to go in life…it’s how I survive.I learned at a very early age to be a chameleon. I would just mimic people and act NT and I must say that I am a pro at it now. I have been doing it for so many years. I learned to manipulate people, to con and beguile to get my needs fulfilled.
As a teenager, one who was very gorgeous to look upon, I had a terrible reputation at school and could not get a date in my own age group because I was percieved as crazy. So I dated grown men who were already out of high school and didn’t know about my school reputation and how I was mercilessly bullied in school. This is how I was able to get married and have my children. I honestly believe that had I not learned to con people, my children nor grandchildren would be here today.
It’s frustrating to have to lie, cheat, con, trick, and beguile others to get where I need to go in life but we do what we have to do in order to survive.
best to you. thank you for sharing
Hello- I am intrigued by your approach to life “lie, cheat…”. And, how successful you found this to be. Very interesting. I am considered an NT and my wife has Asperger’s. I lover her dearly and we’ve been married 30 years. I have spent much time learning about this trait and cognitive thinking. Eventually, I may write a book. I would enjoy an open conversation on how you managed your life as you stated. If you are willing I will contact you thru here at a later date. Best wishes to you and it is great to hear that you have successfully grown a large family.
Hello, Mark. Please allow me to apologize for giving such a late response, considering that you posted this back in April. I have been learning to navigate WordPress and have just seen your post. So please do not thing and I was ignoring you. I just did not know yet how to get to the comments. I too would love to have a conversation with you too in order to explain the question that you have for me. And now that I know how to get to my comments, I can’t wait to get started. Thank you, Mark and have a great day.
Reblogged this on Lisa Simpson Has Asperger's and commented:
There are so many things in this post that I can relate to. I can also see some of the many ways that I have adapted throughout my life in order to fit in with the NT world. As always, it’s rare for any Aspie to have 100 percent of the same symptoms/experiences as another person with Asperger’s, but all of us Aspie women will relate to many of the things on this list.
So much of this is me. I don’t have an official diagnosis (I’m 42, I’m not even sure *how* to get an official diagnosis, at this point) but I’m so very, very sure that I’m an Aspie. Reading things like this, that explain the way I’ve felt my whole life, gives me a little bit of peace.
🙂
Reblogged this on Under Your Radar and commented:
Reblogging from Everyday Asperger’s – this is a great read! I watched the video of Sam reading it yesterday, and I’m glad I came across the written version of it, as well!
thank you 🙂
Hey Sam, per your msg on Twitter, here’s more developments in my work on an Alt ASD Profile Builder – A *new* triad for us to reference (not purely about impairments) https://visualvox.wordpress.com/2016/05/28/asd-classifications-and-then-there-are-the-super-classifications/ I’d love to hear people’s feedback on the high-level concepts! Thanks for all the work you do!
Hi dears,
Im Aspie girl, too. Im 28. I find the majority of neurotypicals painfully simple…I feel they live in different world and refuse to acknowledge that there are others like us Aspies for example. They consider us nuts, at least the majority..but I noticed it also depends on where do we live..I live in extremely conservative small and poor country…here its much more difficult than in more liberal countries…Im not saying you have it all easy of course…but living in a country like I live in, is like hell…here the neurotypicals are even more simple and base…I can only dream of some respect, even just a tiny…We Aspie girls are extremely sensitive…unlike neurotypicals…I see this on myself, too…Im a target of adult bullying by nuts neurotypicals who are extremely self-righteous and aggressive…no wonder when I live in country like that…you can find only the very tiny minority of intelligent and tolerant neurotypicals here…I think what I will write now is typical for other Aspie girls, too – we dont want to live with base neurotypicals, not to mention aggressive and base…we want true friendships and if we happen to be in love relationship or marriage, the least we want is to be used as a sex slave, a representative wife of proud husband and a walking womb for making children…unfortunately in my country especially, many men are like this, they expect this from their “loves”, “wives”, and but also many neurotypical women surprisingly seem to be happy with these expectations, without demanding some appreciation and real love, in my country it seems to be like this…neurotypical men and women are strange for me, I consider them base and too simple…I dont want a relationship which looks like that…it would be my worst nightmare…I dont want a man from my country and I suppose you also wouldnt, regardless of being Aspie or neurotypical woman. I dont know how to be happy as an Aspie girl in country like that…I would want true friendships and true love relationships, and not just demand-supply relationships based on simple-mindedness and base human neurotypical nature…where I look in my country, I can only find self-righteousness, mafias, authoritative personality types, sociopaths and psychopaths, too…its painful…these “people” would take my life because in their base judgement, Aspies dont have any value…this is the way the majority of “people” in my country treats not only Aspies, but mentally ill people, LGBTQI people and civil rights activists, too…I hope no Aspie, no mentally ill, no LGBTQI and civil rights activist will ever experience such cruelty, such base nature like I experienced.
thank you for sharing a part of your story
You have so many comments and people telling you how wonderful this article is. I hope you really get it. These words are a better description of myself than I could ever give. I am in tears as I write this because I am overwhelmed to finally have words that express who I am and how I see things. Thank you, just thank you, and bless you. ❤
thank you and bless you ❤
Very well written. My partner is an Aspie and a beautiful one at that. I started http://www.aspergerssupprt.co.uk to help young people and parents overcome some of the challenges.
thanks for sharing
Thank you so much for writing this. I have been reading so much about ASD in women and everything is just clicking into place. So much of what you wrote, I didn’t even think could be related. At points, I stopped and thought “doesn’t everyone do that?!” I’m 27 and been trying to work up the courage to contact the Asperger’s & Autism clinic for an official diagnosis but I’m terrified coz the process is just so quick. Their website says they’ll ring within 24 hours of receiving a messege. But I’m getting close!
best wishes to you
Hi! I don’t know if I’ve ever clicked so well with a post. I’m relatively new to the concept of Asperger’s Syndrome, and now that I’m looking into it, I am amazed at how many Aspie characteristics I have. Especially reading this post. It was as if I’d written all the words myself.
It’s like, no matter how good I get at pretending to be like everyone else and imitating “normal” behavior, it’s still just that — imitation. I found myself wondering if others spent as much energy keeping up with things as I did. Even the simplest things I have to imagine a reference point, how someone else would do it, before I can set to work. It really is like being dropped onto a strange planet.
I’m eighteen years old, and I’m now almost completely sure I have Asperger’s Disorder. Thank you so much for writing this post. I’ve saved it to my desktop, it’s that helpful to me. Thank you!
you are most welcome
Don’t think of it as a Disorder, it’s more a way of thinking differently because your brain is wired differently. That’s why you have skills and abilities NTs do not have.
Thank you! You’re right
Thank you for this, my husband read this and said “Are you sure you didn’t write this”. It helps so much to understand what’s going on in my head even a little. I am so susceptible to being hurt and I always over analyse the situation asking what did I do to deserve it – always what did ‘I’ do. It’s a hard life but it’s a beautiful one too, I’ve learned to embrace some of my qualities to really enhance my and others lives so it can be a gift in some ways.
Much love and light to you. Everyday Aspie Blog has more info too. Happy Holidays
I know this is late but I just read it. This is a bit embarrassing to ask, but could this list describe pretty much anyone? I identify with most of it. I wish I had a diagnosis. Just the thought of it makes me feel relieved. Then I could be “normal”. I could be free to be me just the way I am and be accepted for myself. I could stop worrying, beating myself up, and analyzing everything I do. It would explain a lot. I’ve always just chalked it up to introversion, general anxiety, childhood trauma, traits of a highly sensitive person, making others happy, wanting to fit in, etc. Honestly, I went out into the world (I’m a homemaker who became widowed) and I didn’t like it and couldn’t function all that well. I felt confused, overwhelmed, exhausted, got taken advantage of, and in general saw I am very different than others. Home is safety. I see now how much I relied on my husband to guide and help me. Once you have a diagnosis, besides acceptance, how can one help themselves navigate the world they are forced to deal with alone? After the diagnosis, then what? Or does it end there?
http://www.myspectrumsuite.com/might-autism-spectrum/
Hi Sam,
A bit late finding this gem 🙂
My ONE problem (not a problem at all, actually) is that it applies absolutely to not only my feminine side 🙂 but to my whole self as a male 🙂
Brilliant insight, I could identify myself for around 98.5 %.
Would you mind if I’d re-post it as a series of 10 posts in my blog, naturally with all credits given?
Please kindly let me know.
Thank you in advance.
sure thing; and a lot of Aspie males connect with these traits as well 🙂
Amazing, thank you ever so much, I’ll start soon. All the best 🙂
I am 56. Just last week it was pointed out to me that I may be an aspie. After multiple online tests (including a neurotypical one that I scored a whopping 15% on), a visit to a support group, and reading things like this, all I can say is, THANK YOU. I absolutely resonate with this list. It explains a lot of my struggles. While I wish I had realized this and/or gotten help decades ago, it is never too late to start a better way of interacting with the world and understanding one’s self.
you are most welcome. There is a nice group of us on Facebook. Take care and best wishes.
This describes me and my life perfectly. So now I want to know, what do other women with ASD function in this world? What systems do they use to help maintain focus and the ability to remember things? What types of work do they do?
there are some great memoirs by autistic females out there. Work varies … often science, helping profession, teaching, nursing, counselor, artist, writer.
Do you happen to know the titles of the memoirs? I’ve read some things by Temple Grandin.
If you go to where my book is listed you will see at least 2 listed there under what others have bought. That’s a good way to find other books.https://www.amazon.com/Everyday-Aspergers-Samantha-Craft-ebook/dp/B01IGE6ZBE/ref=tmm_kin_swatch_0?_encoding=UTF8&qid=&sr=
Hi AG… I’m happy to connect with you, but unsure how to go about that… any ideas?
THANK YOU FOR WRITING THIS.
My entire life I’ve known something was different about me aside from severe ADD and a high IQ, and everyone thought I was a hypochondriac. Reading this post was the most comforting thing I’ve experienced in a while. I am happy to say because of this, I have made an appointment with a specialist and will once and for all know if I have AS or if I actually am just a hypochondriac LOL! I am 23 years old and after a rather rough 4 years in college and soul-searching I feel I am finally finding my place in this world. This year I lost 30 pounds and decided to compete in a small local beauty pageant and face my fears of public speaking. All my preconceived notions about “pageant girls” could not have been more wrong. The pageant ended up being nothing like what I thought and I only encountered encouragement and kindness from everyone involved and I actually made friends of all ages because of it. My next step is Miss Texas USA this September, and if I am diagnosed with AS I want use it to show girls like me that being “different” is beautiful and nothing to be ashamed of.
I know this is such a long post, I rarely comment on blogs. It just felt amazing to know other women have so many of the same feelings and struggles.
Wonderful story. I wish you great success. I am so happy to hear the pageant was a positive experience for you. Keep me posted. You can find a bunch of us here:https://www.facebook.com/samantha.craft.5 and check out myspectrumsuite.com Best to you
Great post! I can very much relate.
And sort of unrelated questions:
(1) Am I the only Aspie girl with stressful/insecure attachment patterns? Like, I can get attached, but it’s taken work. Also, it comes with a lot of separation anxiety and intense fear of abandonment (even perceived abandonment that’s not real), and instead of being clingy, I withdraw from people I get attached to so I don’t get too close. Even if I wanted to get married (I passionately do not), it would not be a possibility.
(2) Is self-harm and suicide common, too?
Sorry to get so personal, but they’re on my mind often.
all you mentioned is common. If you are thinking of self-harming or other harm to yourself, please seek help.
Seriously – try B-Stress Complex from Blue Bonnet Nutrition – take 2 and 2 Omega-3 1600mg from Carlson’s. Also consider taking B3 as Niacinamide (non-flushing) 500mg (do not take Niacin). I am getting very good results with family and friends. Best Wishes. If this is good then call Amen Clinics for a therapist to fully explain the mind health benefits of supplement. Have a great day!
This is so true.. all of this. It’s like you put everything I feel into words. I’m so thankful because I couldn’t express it better. Thank you so much. It’s great to know there are people who understands you. Sometimes I feel like I’m alone.. like there’s nobody who sees the world the same way I do. Your article really gave me hope..
You are definitely not alone. Please see myspectrumsuite.com for a list of support groups online. Wishing you the best.
Reading this… I found myself crying.
No matter how much I read about GAD, Social Anxiety Disorder, OCD, Panic Disorder, HSP (Highly Sensitive Person), I never cried as much as I have when I started feeling… suspecting… I may actually be an undiagnosed autistic.
I can’t even begin to explain how much I *feel* for all the stories and information I read online.
I always thought I couldn’t possibly be Asperger or Autistic simply because of the fact that a lot of the Criteria didn’t match up.
But then I found out autism and Asperger in women is not what I thought it was. Is not like it is in boys, and definitely not as it is as an “adult” Vs. Child.
I only now, after 19 years of feeling like I was born in the wrong place, at the wrong time, in the wrong world, filled with mental health issues and a none-independent agoraphobic, to go through the process of officially trying to diagnose who I really am.
I just wanted to say… thank you for this article.
It made me cry but it also made me the most relieved I felt in… ever.
much light and love to you. myspectrumsuite.com has resources and community groups. all the best
Thank you for this article. I was diagnosed with Asperger a few weeks ago and today a few days ago I found out that I am the classic aspie woman. I’m transgender but was born Female.
This article describes myself more than anybody elso or even myself could ever done it. 🙂
thank you for your message. All the best to you
I know this is a blog for aspie girls and I do not want to hijack that – I’m a 35 year old aspie male and I am currently in tears at my desk in an open plan office where I am pretending, imitating and faking every single day. This is the most accurate account of my experience of Asperger’s I have found anywhere. I was diagnosed two years ago after years of all of the above and on my journey of understanding the condition I feel this morning that I have reached my destination. To know that this is how it feels for others, to know that this is EXACTLY how I feel and exactly my experience of growing up and tackling the world everyday has given me a certain sense of peace. This is who I am and while I wont change and neither will the world, it’s ok to be who I am and others are the same… out there, somewhere.
Genuinely, thanks. I think a lot of male aspie’s will relate to this. One of my biggest struggles with the autism community is that it is male-centric (a huge problem) and that the profile of the male aspie doesnt resonate to me in any real way – it made me feel I didnt fit in to this aspie world either – but you’ve shown me another perspective. Thank you.
Want a wonderful message. Happy for you. yes, males find this resonates with them, as well. Not all, but some for sure. I know a few, if you ever want me to introduce you on Facebook. Thanks for bringing a smile to my face. All the best to you.
Reblogged this on FreitagIchBinVerliebt is an NSFW blog. My site is full of comments, critiques and essays written by me, and reposts of others' works in which I share NO credit, going from pop culture fandoms to literary classics… current news, reviews, ecofeminism, antiracism, antiableism, antispecism, sociology, psychology, philosophy, natural and exact sciences, human and animal rights, recovery from narcissistic and antisocial abuse, support and coping strategies, autism and neurodiversity, depression, mental and emotional health, hermitism, introversion and kink plus some poems, improvised recipes, drawings and fiction I've written..
I’m a 17 year old girl who, like a lot of people here has struggled to understand what the heck is going on. I’ve thought Asperger’s might be the reason for a few years but when I talked to mum about it, she had suspected it since I was young. I am trying to go through CAHMS for a diagnosis but for those with experience with them, I am unlikely to get a diagnosis before I turn 18. I read this and cried. So many of my otherwise weird habits and tendencies have a solid reason behind them. Thank you so much for sharing this.
hugs to you
have mom reach out to AMEN Clinics, Dr Daniel Amen’s team. Also review their products as well. For days of anxiety, if aaplicable, B-Stress complexes and high concentration OMega-3s, 1600 mg (Carlson brand is good – two capsules 3 times daily). I am not a doctor. However, I have assited other with this minset. God Bless
I am an- to this point not officially diagnosed aspie male.
And I can relate to all points you made. And I, personally think it is a common misconception about these being “female” traits.
The “male” autism steoreotype is mostly that – a stereotype. It may match to many diagnosed men with autism. But I think this is not the whole picture. I think there are many men also overlooked when they don’t share the stereotypical traits.
But I think most of them stay undiagnosed for life. My grandpa has a few stereotypical traits and a few “female” traits. I have mostly traits described as female.
I think it depends on personality. One thing we undiagnosed aspies mostly have in common seems to be a special interest in psychology and social communication and this for me seems to make the biggest difference. Our interests are more in humanity than in things. So most of us lern to adept and try to “fit in” and so we don’t get properly diagnosed.
Also another topic I thought about.
Especially these “female” autistic traits mostly sound exactly like the MBTI type “INFJ” I am in.
So maybe this is the real common ground we are, not the biological gender? Just a thought, it may be wrong.
Yep. Agreed. It’s not Autistic Traits list. the original list was developed when there was little to know representation of females and autism http://www.myspectrumsuite.com/samantha-crafts-autistic-traits-checklist/ And to your point, there are so many cross overs with ADHD, gifted-intellect, dyslexia, dyspraxia, hyperlexia, that the list could be connected or related to so many traits. It was a starting point that helped 1000s — served it’s purpose and like life is transitioning. Also there is a great HBO special on the flaws and dark history of personality tests. Your thoughts are common — you are right on! Thanks for sharing