therapy

Day Six: Invisible

| Aspergers Girls

Day Six: Invisible

I had a hard time writing today. I spent two hours writing and then deleted the entire post.  I knew if I was bored and confused by my ramblings and repetitive prose, you certainly would be. So instead, I offer out this excerpt from my prior writings. This scene explores the sense I had most of my life of not truly being seen. I imagine all people can relate to not being seen at some point or another in their lives.

“Sensing I needed help, I sought out a stranger, someone who could make sense of my world, someone who was not close to me, someone I did not have to risk losing.  Before graduating high school, I would be deemed to have an inferiority complex, a diagnosis that led to little more than four weeks straight of listening to a dull realization tape made by the very same middle-aged therapist who’d so dubiously named my title.  His was a tape where a deep methodical voice played out a fifteen-minute narrative of an imaginary creek scene.

Each night before bed, I was to place myself by the bubbling brook and healing sun and relax.  That was my only task—to relax.  I tried my best.  I truly did; though I remained obliquely cynical throughout the process, thinking, in someway, I was at least getting something out of the one hundred and twenty-dollars Father had been forced by Mother to pay out in therapy fees.

For the red-bearded psychologist there were no readily available reasons for my inferiority.  I was an intriguing case indeed—a pretty girl, somewhat charming, and well accomplished.   Sitting there, in the stately office that gave off an awful stench of new carpet and furniture polish; I began to wonder why I had insisted on seeing someone in the first place.  In all honesty, I knew what this man was thinking; as he sat there in his comfy leather high-back chair swiveling from side-to-side with one finger tapping his lip. He was seeing what they all had seen. The only difference being, he was receiving payment. This stranger behind the tidy walnut desk was no different than the rest.  He was easy to fool.  He hadn’t the slightest idea of where to begin looking or what to uncover, and I knew just the right words and phrases to lead him in the wrong direction.  He would notice my nice clothes, my youthful face.  He would note my kind mannerisms and make a list of all my accomplishments.  He’d probably highlight a few catch phrases.  And then he’d be done with me, done like the rest, having seen only what they had wanted to see, and not trying to see anymore.

He looked at me in the same quizzical doubting manner that my friend’s therapist had years ago. Though his doubtful expression was masked, I saw the essence of a smirk behind his steady pale eyes.  And in the same way, I recognized by the way he nervously fidgeted with his ballpoint pen and wheeled his high chair, he hadn’t found the answers he’d been seeking.

Perhaps he was aware of my time limitations, of the lack of funds, and the urgency of my situation.  Seeing how Mother worked just across the street from him and had more than likely had a lunch date once or twice with this man; he was bound to know some of the happenings, at least Mother’s view of it.

Quick and easy is how I saw the entire therapeutic experience.  Roll her in, figure it out, and roll her back out—even if she’s still broken.  Just make sure she can make it down the street on her own accord without breaking down.

With my new diagnosis in hand, granted after a brief multiple choice test and short interview, I now believed my emotional issues rested in my own inferiority complex and resulting inability to love myself.  However, stepping out on my own, beyond the therapist’s office, one vital question remained:  If I was somehow internally flawed by a faulty infrastructure, then how could I feasibly begin to rebuild myself? After careful contemplation and finding no solution to my troubles, I supposed, this therapeutic experience and the resulting diagnosis, was the world’s wicked way of placating and failing me all at once.”

116 Reasons I Know I Have Aspergers

| Aspergers Girls

116 Reasons I Know I have Asperger’s Syndrome

1.  Writing this list.

2.  Enjoying writing this list.

3.  Love, love, love animals and bugs.

4.  Do I have to leave the house?

5.  Nature is heavenly as long as I can stay clean.

6. Collector

7. Toys are objects to be organized, stacked, categorized, or cleaned.

8. Friday the 13th in 3-D three times because I think the number 3 is awesome!

9. Red fluffy socks with high-heels

10. Sweater on inside out, again.

11. Memorized how to spell and sing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious in an attempt to qualify for speech class.

12. I was Jacqueline Smith; never Farah.

13. Every stuffed animal named, categorized by birth, and kept until after college.

14. Snoopy in a chair looking out the back of the window of my first car.

15.  Seven days straight perfecting my penmanship before I began teaching.

16. Clever Clyde was a famous humanistic caterpillar in the stories I wrote.

17. Buddy One was my imaginary ghost friend.

18. Entering poetry (scam) contests.

19. Hamsters aren’t stuffed animals.

20.  Goldfish do die when left under the hot sun in a small bowl of water.

21. Childhood friends were students, the members of my club, customers, or placed in another subordinate position.

22. Backgammon pro by age nine. Cribbage pro by age fifteen.

23. Perfected Pac Man and Space Invaders while watching every episode of Three’s Company.

24. Called dumb blonde, in regards to getting jokes; I’m a brunette.

25. You do not sit with your legs spread while wearing a cheerleading skirt.

26. If I’m her best friend, why does she need more friends than me?

27. I have a confession to make, I was thinking about lying, but I didn’t.

28. Naïve, sweet, gullible, unique, hyper, interesting, odd…

29. I have 120 flaws; should I list them?

30. Don’t answer the phone!!!

31. Note to self: Read the birthday card before grabbing the money and jumping up and down.

32. Hello? Your toenails do need to be cleaned occasionally.

33. “Snob! You always look away.”

34. Victim, with her head down.

35. Statistically speaking your chances of dying from that are slim; I researched it for five days.

36. Website built, 100 pages total, in 5 weeks. Go baby.

37. Months and months on freebie websites equals toothbrushes, baskets, lotions, and much more.

38. I had the coolest property on Farmville.

39. Why do fantastic ideas the night before, not seem so fantastic in the morning?

40. Don’t answer the door!

41. I don’t want to go…It’s too much work for me to put on a bra.

42. Monopolize a conversation? Who me?

43. Depression, Anxiety, blah…blah….blah

44. Verbal processing

45. Can you say manuscript?

46. What exactly is a guilty pleasure? And why would people do something that makes them feel guilty?

47. I don’t understand, it’s old wives’ tales? Not old wise tale?

48.  Just Relax. Not comprehending. What does it feel like to relax?

49. Non-fiction galore.

50. Twitching and jumping because it’s museum time!

51. Oh no! You did not just change the plan.

52. Carpet, dirt, germs, clutter, blemishes, lips, breath….Yuck!

53. Don’t hug me right now.

54. Okay, you can hug me, but not too tight, that hurts.

55. Are my shoes on the right feet?

56. I wish I hadn’t sent them that garage sale crystal for their wedding present; what was I thinking?

57. Do you think she’ll like these earrings I never wore or a gift certificate?

58. What do you mean this letter might offend my professor?

59. Here’s a bruise, and another one. Look at this one.

60. Let’s drive around the block again and look for a spot. I can’t parallel park.

61. Group sports? Swinging a bat? Dressing for PE? Run in fear!

62. All the fun is in the planning. The party itself is terrifying.

63. Why do people bully and tease?

64. Give me a role or a part, and I’ll perfect it.

65. Should I dress like my best friend, my spiritual counselor, or the lady on my favorite soap opera?

66. I love having friends my mom’s age.

67. Monthly Bunco with the Episcopalian Retirement Group? Why not?

68. After-social-event debrief time: When I said this, do you think it was offensive? Why did she look at me that way? Should I have kept my mouth closed? Was that appropriate. I’m quitting Bunco; it’s too stressful.

69. My only friends in second grade, two twin boys, Chris and Jimmy.

70. My only friend in kindergarten, Keith. He moved to Hawaii.

71. Sure, I can write for ten hours straight. Can’t you?

72. Doesn’t everyone have a voice reminding them what to do during a conversation: make more eye contact, step closer, nod your head, smile, but not too big, insert giggle, let them talk more.

73.  Give me a passion and give me a week to learn everything there is to know about it.

74. Hypochondriac

75. Stop talking; you’re hurting my ears.

76. You smell funny.

77. Is that your natural hair color and how old are you?

78. Camping sucks.

79. Criteria for boyfriends? Criteria for friends? What?

80. Name an object. I can tell you 100 uses for it.

81. Let me fix the situation.

82. Just because the thought is in my head doesn’t mean it needs to get out. Or does it?

83. Crossing the street, so I don’t have to pass the stranger on the sidewalk.

84. How do you turn around at the halfway point of a walk without looking silly?

85. No events in college. One friend in college – before she stopped answering my calls.

86. ADHD, PTSD….blah, blah, blah

87. Therapists, psychologists, priests, reverends, psychiatrists, hypnotists, and the like are kind of clueless about recognizing Asperger’s in females.

88. I’ll just hang out in this closet until the party is over.

89. I’ll be in the backroom writing until the party is over.

90. I’ll be reading in the bathroom until the party is over.

91. Why do you ask me how I am when you don’t want to hear the answer?

92. IBS

93. Funerals are confusing.

94. Let’s practice small talk; the ritual is intriguing.

95. Queen of evaluation

96. Stopped eating lamb at age four, pork at age eleven.

97. Words are beautiful or painful.

98. Fixations, obsessions…blah, blah, blah

99. Let me organize your pantry.

100. I should have asked before buying a puppy?

101. What can I eat that doesn’t have pesticides, hormones, mutations, cancer-

causing ingredients, sugar, sugar-substitutes, dairy, preservatives, chemicals,

bleach…..I’m watching too many documentaries

102. Time for another organic juice fast. Time for more organic chocolate.

103. Either no one has ever flirted with me in my entire life or I don’t recognize

flirting.

104. Give me a visual, a guideline, a rule, and stop all the jabber.

105. I can tell you exactly where anything is on my kitchen shelves; but don’t ask me where my keys are.

106. Imaginary play is confusing unless there is a script.

107. I like to analyze the sentence structure and grammar in fictional books.

108. It’s hard to recognize faces.

109. Do you want to hear this record for the fiftieth time?

110. I’m the one reading the Buddhist book at my son’s baseball game.

111. Listen to what I wrote. I edited it.

112. Grownups shouldn’t lie about Santa or that the government is looking out for our best interest.

113. I trust you.

114. I over-share.

115. I would be happy to eat the same meal everyday.

116.That fixation to write this list is gone. I don’t know why, it just is. (It really bugs me this isn’t number 113.)

I invite you to take a look inside of my book Everyday Aspergers.

Take a look here.

(I just deleted an entire paragraph explaining why I am uncomfortable with self-promotion. I’ll spare you the details!)

My publisher, Your Stories Matter, took great care to provide this ‘book-to-look’ version of the second edition of Everyday Aspergers.

(I’ve truly failed at promoting my own book. I usually promote Steve Silberman’s book in my travels and teachings. Typical me!)

Over a year ago, I decided to move my memoir from one agency to another. I made this decision to ensure the paperback was available outside of the USA. Here are ten facts you might not know about E.A.

The second edition of Everyday Aspergers : A Journey on the Autism Spectrum can be purchased on Amazon in several countries. It makes a great gift!

The new book cover is by a talented autistic author and writer. The pages, of the new edition, have photos and images from my childhood. I added a new end chapter. The layout, pages, and style are different. It’s the same story in an enhanced casing.

https://www.book2look.com/book/KRksrIxTxr

(I know. This is only MY story. Not yours.)

© Everyday Aspergers, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. https://aspergersgirls.wordpress.com

Hello All.

I hope you are well during these challenging times.

I am writing to provide a few updates (2020) for anyone who happens upon this homepage.

My third blog is a bit hard to find, since I changed the domain name. Here is the direct link to Everyday Autistic. My artist’s blog is Belly of a Star.

Here is the Autistic Trait’s List.

Here is my company website Spectrum Suite LLC, which includes 100s of resources and our services page.

Here is a link to one of my Linkedin Articles that will bring you to my profile and some articles there!

My new works include much advocacy for Universal Design in the Workplace, which equates to true inclusivity, where all employees are given opportunity to the same support measures and community engagement, such as the same best-practices interviews, job coaches, support team; not just one marginalized minority, e.g., autistic individuals.

I am working on a book on empowerment on the autism spectrum.

I am my waving from afar, and wishing you so very well! I cannot believe it’s been 8 YEARS!

I now call myself a ‘neuro-minoriy’ (coined by Judy Singer) and consider myself a neurodivergent-blend (coined by me!). I am neurodivergent-blend because of my autistic profile, gifted-intellect diagnosis, dyslexia, dyspraxia, OCD, etc. etc. etc.

Feel free to connect on twitter or Facebook.

I’m on the bottom right, in the photo below, speaking at the Stanford Neurodiversity Summit. You can find out what we’ve been up to on the website. Here is a 10 hr.+ video of Day 2 at the Summit!

My book is now available around the world in paperback! Check out Barnes and Noble or Amazon.

Everyday Aspergers is an unusual and powerful exploration of one woman’s marvelously lived life. Reminiscent of the best of Anne Lamott, Everyday Aspergers jumps back and forth in time through a series of interlocking vignettes that give insight and context to her lived experience as an autistic woman. The humor and light touch is disarming, because underneath light observations and quirky moments are buried deep truths about the human experience and about her own work as an autistic woman discerning how to live her best life. From learning how to make eye contact to finding ways to communicate her needs to being a dyslexic cheerleader and a fraught mother of also-autistic son, Samantha Craft gives us a marvelous spectrum of experiences. Highly recommended for everyone to read — especially those who love people who are just a little different.”~ Ned Hayes, bestselling author of The Eagle Tree