I know what I am not but not what I am. I know when to stop but not when to stop starting. I can inch my way into the middle and get stuck in the molasses of neither here nor there. I don’t know how to swim upstream without pounding pain, and instead, in alternate route, float downstream away from the waters where all else abounds.
Somewhere I have forgotten myself, and I search to find her, thinking I have arrived, only to once more find I am at the backdoor looking into what was and thinking I had known then.
I cannot remember who or where I have been, anymore than I can visualize where I am going. I am lost, in a time maze of confusion, falling upon a self I cannot fathom or detect.
She is there, in the shadowed-tunnel, collapsing and reborn into another, faster than humanly feasible. She is multitudes unopened and reopened—an anomaly in form. To be and not to be. To care and not to care. To unravel into the very depths of reason and peer down into the pond of ‘me.’ Only to question what it is that stares back with such disregard and wonderment.
I am but enough and then I am unequivocally lacking, never measuring up to the enforced standards absorbed from the path I walk. I clamor for explanation and find a thousand books untouched, though in some fashion taken into the realm of reason. I can feel the words: the spoken, the whispered, the silenced, the ones that never came and ones that never speared the element that is I.
They make me. They form me. They penetrate me into something I know not. Clay to my mind. Dirt to my heart. Scattered residue of earthly wants and needs. Goods that I am neither capable of grasping or acquiring.
I am this existence that the observer watches. Reformed with the passerby. Morphed into their reality and then left, unscattered and splattered, broken and unbroken, in a pool of endless duality.
I am what I am—yet only for a fleeting moment; a chance to take glance towards the outline of my palm, the beat of my heart, the opening of a billion universes. Everywhere I am, and at once I am alone. Isolated. A loneliness no less easy to explain than the essence of what I have become. ~ Sam, 7/24/15
8 thoughts on “542: Self”
Beautiful. Yes…that sums it up beautifully. Aspergers is exactly this. A continuous, swirling mish-mash of all there is…and us in the eye of the storm trying to solve the puzzle of everything.
Sam, I have known you for years. i have been able to fairly well predict when you were having stronger difficulties in your life. Your words showed that to me. Our brief conversations helped me understand. This poem clarifies how an aspie really must feel. I got the strongest sense that I have had those moments, but not the life you speak of. I have felt the problems and the difficulty, but I waded in whereas you were out in the depths of that sea.
Thank you once again.
Thanks Scott. Much appreciated.
Sometimes I think you have crawled into my mind and brought out words from my soul. this is uncanny in its accuracy:)
I do believe we are each connected and I often feel the pain of others. As I am sure you do, too. Best to you x
“A loneliness no less easy to explain than the essence of what I have become” — profound feeling radiates from your core of self-expression.