Words and Numbers

Day Ten: 30 Random Thoughts (The Aspie Brain at its finest!…hey…that’s sarcasm.)

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  1. If A=B, and B=C, and A=C; then having Asperger’s feels like D.
  2. Q-tips; every health professional will tell you not to stick a Q-tip in your ear, but let’s be honest, 99.9% of the population buys Q-tips to stick in their ears.
  3. If time is manmade and calendars are manmade, then how old am I, really?
  4. Why aren’t Klu Klux Klan members subjected to psychiatric evaluation and put on medication, while kindergarteners are?
  5.  If Government=Subsidizes Much Corn, and Much Corn=Unhealthy Health Consequences for People, then Government=Unhealthy Health Consequences for People
  6. If scientists know that electrons move differently based on the observer and also know that water crystals respond in form and appearance directly to words and thoughts, then if we as humans are made of electrons and water, then why isn’t more effort being made in the study of thought and how it affects the human condition?
  7. If special interest groups, massive monopolizing meat and pesticide industries, and people with a lot of money influence the political makings of the United States then whom am I voting for? Say again?
  8. Why are certain words/letters that always string together to form a meaning not passable through spell check: like alot, alright and highschool.
  9. Why is front yard two words, but backyard one?
  10. Why do teachers make more tips hourly waitressing during the summer, than they do hourly in the classroom?
  11. Why is it that I have to pay thousands of dollars in order to get a piece of paper that says I have a higher education when I know more about certain subjects than my professors, and can learn the same thing in books?
  12. Why is it that the special interest groups (meat/dairy/corn) get a larger portion of the food pyramid? Where are the lettuce and spinach special interest groups?
  13.  Why is it that the FDA approves toxic drugs that kill people, but warns us not to take supplements?
  14. Why did the doctor tell my mother-in-law to steer away from all fruits and vegetable after chemotherapy because her immune system was weak?
  15.  Who is at the top of the clothes designer regime and gets to decide what is the right thing for everyone else to wear?
  16. Who decided it was a good idea to make televisions, refrigerators, and appliances that only last half as long as they used to?
  17. If people know the electronic industry is ten steps ahead of them and inventing new products to outdate the old products long before the old products are even on the store shelf, then why not wait a decade before purchasing something new?
  18. If teenagers need sleep to be healthier, then why does middle school start earlier than elementary school?

19. The government is in bed with pharmaceutical companies, and the pharmaceutical companies benefit by keeping us unhealthy, and I’m the one that is supposed to have criteria for making friends?

20. If bad and evil exist, then who is the judge of what is bad and what is evil? What are the rules? Is the brain to blame? The environment? The parents? The spirit? Who can tell? Who can decide? Where is the fine line? If someone shot a saint up with heroine and she killed someone while under the influence, is she bad? What do I base the reasoning of good or bad on? Whose belief system? Whose perception? What if everyone is wrong? Then who is right?

21.  How come (in America) it’s not all right to eat dogs, seagulls, and cats, but it’s acceptable to eat cows, pigs, and chickens?

22.  Why is it that if we know we are tiny specks (beyond microscopic) in the universe and that the chances of there being other life forms out there are high, that when someone mentions the word alien people think that someone is weird?

23. Who gets to decide the DSM-IV, and are they under the continual observation and treatment of mental health therapists?

24. If I have dyslexia and I accidentally called LDS members LSD members, what’s the harm?

25. If people are busy stacking up food in their garage for major natural disasters, but statistically most major disasters will cause people to lose or evacuate their homes (i.e., tornadoes, hurricanes, tsunamis, earthquakes, fires, floods, war) then doesn’t it make sense to store all that food far from the house?

26. If there is a huge global disaster and 99% of the population is annihilated, and I per chance live, and still have the strong desire to survive, then I probably only would want to survive because of an animal instinct or a fear of death.

27. Who gets to decide what drugs are legal to pay money for and which ones aren’t?

28. If kids are raiding their parents’ cabinets for prescription drugs and dealing them on the streets, then are pharmaceutical companies to blame?

29. Why aren’t there large hazardous warning signs outside of fast food establishments?

30.  Why do all of these things pop into my mind when I’m trying to sleep at five in the morning?

Day Three: Words

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Day Three: Words

I’m so excited to share with you, (or over-share with you), that I’m tempted to write thirty posts today. And I could. I truly could. I could type for ten hours straight, not eat, and have a bit of hot chocolate to keep me going. I’d ignore and put aside my three beautiful children, whom I adore, by pacifying them with genuine hugs and compliments, by explaining about my obsession, and by trying to make the lack of my current availability up to them somehow in the immediate future. But I won’t. I’ll only write one post, and then probably come back and recheck the writing repeatedly, dedicating way too much time to editing and spicing the words up some.

The worst (and absolute best), is the way the words feel to me. That’s one of the main reasons I keep returning to the writing. There is a word for it: synesthesia. (From the ancient Greek together and sensation.) Though I might be stretching the meaning a bit. Synesthesia, in my view, is when one sense gets tangled with another. For some people words have taste, for others numbers have color. For me, the experience is somewhat different. Numbers feel masculine or feminine, and have distinct personalities. I literally like certain numbers and dislike others. Some make me feel very comfortable and others threatened. I’ve had this number experience since I was very little. I’ve always liked the number 113, because the number contains all of my favorite digits (well most of them). I am drawn to the masculine numbers for some reason. For me one, eleven, thirteen, and three all have a masculine feel. The number five is a female. Six, he’s kind of on the fence. Four is a girl. It’s odd, I know. Get used to it.

When I think of the power of numbers, as in a binary computer code or the signals transmitted from satellites orbiting earth, and how in both instances symbols are decoded or unencrypted to view on a monitor, I understand how numbers can have extreme power.

Back to how the words feel. I used to think I was experiencing the energy of the person or the thoughts behind words. Now, I’m not so sure. The Kabbalah teaches of the power of the ancient letters. The ancient religions speak of the power of sound, how some sounds are direct connections to our chakras. (Last year my special interest was in spirituality and religion, including sound-healing, and I read about two books a day on the subject for the course of approximately nine months, until I woke up one morning and the interest was gone.) Thusly, from my studies, I can conceptualize and hypothesize about how words can have different feelings of weight. Perhaps I’ve tapped into something unintentionally. Perhaps I’m wired this way. Because of this sensitivity to words, I have a hard time reading in general, especially my own writing.

For instance, the 10 Traits I listed about females with Asperger’s, that list, well, the list feels very heavy to me. Similar to being pulled down by gravity on a high-speed amusement park ride. As a result I keep going back to the list and tailoring the words; the process of returning to my writings is liken to me clipping topiary. I’m attempting to trim off the excess unwanted weight. Trying to figure out what needs modification. And it’s not about adding humor or making the subject matter lighter–not that at all. Nor is it editing to make the message crisper and clearer–not that either. It is the words themselves. Every word feels different, every word a little difficult to punch out onto the computer and set free. I have to go back and change words so the sensation is right, and the meaning is close to the truth of what I’m thinking. In time, sometimes years, the words will feel right. Yet, no matter how long I clip away and alter, I understand I’ll never truly express exactly what my intention and perception is to anyone. That in and of itself, this realization that my words will never actually express the inner workings of my spirit, is a very sobering and isolating thought. I long for that futuristic Vulcan mind-meld, where I can touch a person and know his or her story, and bypass all the words. Then again, I’d miss the words and their rhythm, much like I’d miss the ocean waves lapping onto the shore.