I am more black and white in my thinking than I’d like to believe/accept, and it’s come to a point where I am going to cognitively fight back, primarily by ignoring the non-stop running commentary in my head that seems to think by exploring all avenues an endpoint answer will readily arrive.
Here are some simple observations and what I will do about them (or try my best to do).
1. I know too much (a lot) about religion and spirituality, as it was one of my many special interests, well my primary special interest since I was a small child. Being such, I have analyzed and critiqued each and every spiritual practice and religion I have studied. I have reached a point in my life where finding community and support is of primary importance, and the fact that a section of people may adhere to some beliefs I do not adhere to, even practices, is no longer a reason to segregate myself purposefully from others’ support and companionship. Therefore, I am thinking outside the box, outside the rigid rules I have set upon myself about where I can and cannot go based on opinion, fear, and exaggerated expectation of what might happen. I am going to take care of myself and use caution, but at the same time dare to make some new friendships, and hopefully a pseudo-family in an arena that before now I have made so black-and-white that I preferred extreme isolation over breaking my own rules of what other people should be like and/or what practices ought be practiced.
2. I pick apart friendships. I make expectations. I want everyone to be my best friend. I want to have a friend that is basically my twin, attached at the hip. I want a neighbor friend who walks with me and has tea with me everyday. I kind of had this once, for a year, and I miss it. But it was a blessing. And it is a rarity in this world. I pick apart my friendships and find what parts are not enough, what parts hurt me, and get lost in a dance of what I want and deserve. For now on I will cherish the time I have with my friends, openly aware that my needs are my needs, and that most are not going to be able to fill this need. I will cherish the aspects of my friendships that I do have. And if I only talk or see a friend once a year, or once more in my lifetime, that will be enough. This is hard for me to admit. I don’t consider myself a judgmental person, but I do think I pick apart everything and everyone into parts and attempt to rearrange and reassemble, and in the rebuilding I lose aspects of myself and that person, and I hold onto the hurt. I am tired of holding onto the hurt. From now on I will try to appreciate what I do have while building new friendships in which there are commonalities we have so we will have common time to spend together, such is community gathering or hobby.
3. I destroy romantic relationships. I obsess. I control. I try to figure things out. I dissect. I create and recreate all the worse case scenarios in my mind and then I do it all over again. I hide a lot of this inside and torture myself. But of course it comes out. I am also hyper-alert, hyper-aware, and at times hyper-critical. I know this is part of the way my mind words, and part of how I dissect and over-analyze everything. But I refuse to let my Aspergers/mind processing/outlook be the reason to cause myself and my loved ones harm. I am tired of making pros and cons list in my heads. I am tired of wondering about the future. I am tired of thinking ‘if only’ or waiting for things to get better. I am going to enjoy this time, this now, this day and stop waiting for a better tomorrow and a more-perfect partner. I am enough and so is the person I love.
4. When I look back, I don’t have regrets, but I mourn. I mourn that almost every moment of my adult life has been anxiety-ridden, that my moments of joy have been torn down and constricted…limited by my mind over-thinking and over-worrying. I have a constant fight-or-flight mentality that makes each day a battle and each memory a previous day of exhaustion. All things good become white-washed by this fear and fret. I don’t want to, in fact I refuse to, look back ten years from now and see the past decade as the same as the decades before this day. I refuse to see myself in constant wonder of ‘when will things be okay.’ Of scoping out the bad in the good. In thinking of the alternative ways of improvement. I am missing my life by pre-planning for betterment. This is as good as it gets. And I am going to embrace this. I am tired of the pitty-parties. I am tired of the waiting. I am done standing in line for my own life to begin. Now is now. And that shall be enough. I don’t want to die a sad lady, who wasted her days fretting over when happiness would come.
5. Life is hard. PERIOD. It’s hard for most everyone. No one is perfect. No one is normal. 99.9% of people struggle daily with hardship of some sort or another. Hardship of a stressful relationship, a broken relationship, and severed relationship, a sense of isolation. A sense of no purpose. Health issues that hurt and that cause various challenges. Dooms-day thoughts. Anger at the current healthcare system. Anger at the legal system. Anger and/or sadness at the world. Financial woes. Body woes. People woes. We are all pretty much in the same sinking boat. Fact is we have one another. And usually it’s not as bad as we make it out to be. I am tired of whining, of complaining, of highlighting what is hard, what is a battle, what is difficult. Truth is that yes I might feel things more intensely than others because of who I am. Truth is I likely have had a few more hardships than the common person on my block. But truth also is that we are all human beings experiencing suffering, let down, fear, pain, and a path to eventual death. I am not that important. My pain is not better than another’s. It’s not about proving anything to anyone anymore. Especially myself. I will not feel worthy through my pain. And I will not feel worthy through my suffering. I will feel and know that everyone else for the most part is feeling, too, and that every pain I have another has had. I will understand I am not alone in this pain and in this agony. I will understand that there is no more learning to be done through my pain, only through my awakening to the truth that life is hard and that’s okay. There is no silver lining, there is no vacation from life, there is no spaceship coming to beam me up. So I will do what I can do. I will embrace my attributes that give me purpose and meaning, and I will love me for me. I will love me through the pain, and take the waves as they come, attaching less meaning and worthiness to the acts and happenings that bring what seems to be chaos and accepting this is life. In the end that’s all I have: Life. And it’s still worth living. Worth trying. If only to touch another and for her to know she is not alone.
6. The next time something happens (stuff happens a lot everyday) that I want to make into a big deal, I will step back and recognize the more energy I attach to the issue/incident/trigger/news/outcome, the more I will create chaos within and the more I will think it’s a big deal. In my mind anything can become a big deal. I could find a thousand things to worry about. I will not exhaust myself by worrying over and over about things outside of my control and even those within my control. I will choose to step back and observe myself go through the fear and fret, and will allow it without judgment, but shall not feed into the fear. I shall rise above, beyond, through, within/without the anxiety, and believe all is as all is. That this too shall pass and that more shall come. There is no calm coming. There is no storm. Just stuff. Just more and more passing stuff. And I the actress in the endless play shall survive. I shall even do more than that. I shall prevail. Not into a realm of happiness and joy, but into a realm of acceptance. Shits going to happen. More and more shit. Somewhere in my mind I believed this place would be a joyful place, and in truth there are moments, but for the most part, it’s just plain hard. But it can be a type of joy. It can be a calmness of the mind. It can be a serenity. It can be a sense of everything is all right. Even the extreme ‘This is not Okay!” can be okay. I am tired of feeding the monster inside of me who looks for discrepancies and disappointment and unwelcomed surprises. That’s LIFE! Get over myself.