To read about this image, visit my other blog Belly of a Star.
A spiral of question upon question. Answers seeping out and morphing into more queries. Butterflies that burst, each birthing from a singular, a thousand more flutters; and my mind, this tiny hook to stringed-wing, traveling into a symphony of thoughts.
How I long to be understood. To be held under the stars, in a world, where as hard as I try, I cannot connect. In a world where to be loved fully, is to lose my sense of self in the process.
To live in anguish of ever-present disappointment, pleasure turned agony, and extreme isolation or to give up this sense of self, love the All, and dedicate my life to service.
There appears no middle road.
Abandoned, let down onto myself, and then lifted up above myself. Loving bliss or extreme suffering; while the rest, in form or belief, seem to sleep in a twisted agony of their own.
The one dedicating herself to help the other, when her own self remains in dismal suffering. The one dedicating himself to a cause, when his own ability to feel and be is sacrificed.
If I am not a ‘self,’ then why would I want to be what I am not? And if I am not, then what am I to be?
The souls thinking themselves following or leading; thinking too, the sign shall come. Stepping untied alone into an illusion of nowhere, hoping to find the no one.
To sacrifice my very humanness, the quest dismissed, for universal peace. To circumvent my hollowed out self of sadness and fill it with a layering of illusion undone. Poured into the divine, into God and Goddess form, and perpetually served, sacrificed. All desire dissipated for the All.
Momentarily safe, momentarily comforted, momentarily brought out of self and back through self, and afforded the moments to blend in with the universe. The trees alive. Angel kisses. As walking ghost, carved, in this mystery undone and hidden before the finish.
I am a foreshadowing of future chapters. The ones in which I turn the pages to discover I am back on some island onto myself; victim of nothingness, grander within the nothingness of am, than the world appears in the everything of naught.
Lost in the exact canvas of eternity created through the concept and thoughts of eternity. No self creating no self, until self emerges and claims self again. Spinning in recognition of circle, defined within circle. Parts dismissed and whole returned, and whole dissected into pieces.
Onto my self, I awaken as the dreamer, and then fall asleep twice over, to awaken to the un-free one; cycling through.
Longing for the flesh and flesh alone, the timeless one to fill me complete in his coming. Longing for the one star that can see me.
To bring another one to the one I am not.
Split and made. Two becoming the unified. Split into the two again. The one splattered across the other; neither satisfied and both smothered.
How I long for rescue, as two lay clasped and connected, gasping for the breath of wisdom.
How I long for a hand to be the hand. How I long to know, to no longer be in this me. To hear the whispers behind another soul, a very spirit split open and dispersed and fed to me. No pretty fool. No ugly beast, yet secretly tucked away in between the points of eternity.
To move is to cause the other to shift. To sit is to risk falling, again and again, into the deep of nowhere.
To suffer in this humanness perchance to create the one hand I reach for that is reaching for me.
To suffer in the aftermath of bliss to connect in the river of pain.
Or to bleed out every last sense of me, and become blended in the peace of nothingness.