451: I am so weary…

I am thankful for much, despite the ups and downs of life. Thankful for my intellect and strong spirit, especially, and for the earth angels that are always near—the people in my life that inspire me and hold me in their light.

I am calling all light workers today to send me some love. I can’t figure out what is happening, except that I must be under some type of psychic attack or advanced, warp-speed spiritual growth.

It isn’t so much the circumstances themselves that are the cause of pulling me out of equilibrium, but the constant bombardment, one after the other of occurrences. It seems once I get my head above water, another event occurs.

I went on my knees in the late spring and begged in prayer for direct change, for concrete soul transformation, regardless of the cost. I was, so it seemed, at a stagnant level of pure bliss. Theoretically, I suppose I could have remained here, in this state of zen. Yet, I felt detached from humanity, and this rumbling in my spirit ached to do more…

I know better than to beg in prayer. Seems, if it is a true desire from the depths of me, from my light, I always get what I ask for. Truth is, it is also always in a much greater and fantastically bazaar way than I ever imagined.

Lately, I just am bewildered by my circumstances. I am not without hope. I am still clinging to the light. Yet, I am definitely forlorn and feeling abandoned. I keep pulling myself up, keep getting myself through, and more and more keeps coming at me. In the last day and a half, I have had a severe falling out with a close relative, a serious conversation with a dear one about the potentiality of ending our connection, the experience of over hearing a close friend speak poorly of me, and now, before four am this day, my dog attacked by something wild in the backyard.

In the last weeks, I have been to the ER five times, hospitalized, accused my doctors of inventing my symptoms (after being diagnosed with POTS syndrome by a cardiologist), had little to no sleep, been in the process of selling a house, and on and on.

I have been depleted in all forms. Last night was my first “good” physical night; I could feel myself progressing towards “normal.” This morning I awoke discovering I had five hours straight sleep! A blessing after two months of being unable to sleep much at all.

I was hopeful. For about thirty minutes in this early, early morning, I was hopeful. Now I have a hurt dog in her crate trembling, and I am wondering if this too, isn’t me. Attacked in the dark repeatedly by something I cannot recognize or see.

12 thoughts on “451: I am so weary…

  1. I myself, believe that sometimes profound shifts occur like this, manifest physically and sometimes like a tornado. I have had it happen too. I think you are doing great. Hang on. I am holding you in my thoughts with love, clarity and safety surrounding you. Glad you got some rest.

  2. Feng shui your house, anoint your chakras with lavender, and drink copious amounts of chamomile tea.

    Also, for now, keep a quiet mind and an open heart.

    Sending good vibes your way. xoxo

  3. im so sorry your going through this sam. from a fellow potsy sufferer, im glad you have the dx because from here you can try to find some ways to ease your symptoms. pots is a mixture of complications, and can make you feel so out of kilter. ontop of life stuff that is going on, each day can seem overwhelming. I imagine that you have had symtptoms from this condition for a very long time? the only way I can get through some days, is a hour at a time and not look further then that on bad days. take care if you ever want to email me please just ask. emma, uk. x

  4. Sending you all the love and light I can muster…I have been in and out of this space myself for many years.I cannot say for certain what it is,only that it feels endless.hold the light in your heart and know that you are loved…

  5. Wishing you all the best in the difficult times, and that they come to an end soon. Thank you for your beautiful writing.

  6. Dear Sam. I can feel some of it from the other side of the world. It is a shift or transformation or an awakening of something. God only gives crap to its strongest soldiers.
    Sending my light and love xxxoooxxx

  7. i have been dealing with a multitude of things, along with a relationship with my girlfriend who has aspergers. . . i have been contemplating suicide for the past few weeks, which is completely unlike me. ive been seeing a shrink and trying my best to stabilize this radical unsettling time in my life, but nothing seems to work. i feel the same in the sense that all ive known is to struggle to keep my head above water, only to be stripped bare and battered back down. with only two options, continue the seemingly never ending struggle or let go. i love too much and care for too many to let go, but sometimes this pain is too much for one person to bear. i love you all and may positive things shine into your lives

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