I put myself into a situation last month wherein I found myself lying in totality more than I had in my entire life. I fooled myself into thinking the act of telling falsehoods was somehow protecting someone’s feelings. But the truth of the matter is my lying only compounded the challenges and hurt the person I was trying to protect.
Having always been an overly honest, frank, yet gentle person, I had never experienced the domino effect of lying before. I hadn’t been in a position before in which I was creating new lies to cover up previous lies, nor in the position of trying to recall what I had said in previous mistruths to validate and confirm current mistruths. I found the whole process excruciatingly exhausting, and both physically and emotionally daunting. I finally reached a point where I told the person the whole of the situation, mostly because I was ‘caught’ in the process, and also because I couldn’t stand to tell one more lie.
The truth about lying is that the act itself causes me great distress.
Because of the way my mind works, I overanalyze the simplest of things; however, the most prevalent means of overanalyzing is seen in my natural, seemingly instinctual, ability to search for truths, (and try my best not to lie). To complicate the ordeal, having been around this earth long enough, (I am ready to be beamed up.), it’s quite clear that truths are too complex of matters to ever be discovered in completion. To truly peel the outer layer of the proverbial onion off to find the core of truth is impossibility—the process in and of itself futile.
Yet, still my mind peels and peels, thinking at last I will figure out the reality of truth; even as I know now, at least conclude now, that the only reality is love and service, and trying my best to be the best version of me, whilst allowing myself to be human without gluttony-based-behavior manifested as self-punitive thoughts.
Regardless of any knowings, my brain will continue to try to find the truth, the facts, the reality, etc. The reason, it seems, is I have this engrained responsibility to be authentic. I mean it’s carved into my essence—the very heart of me wanting nothing more than to be me.
And that is where everything gets complicated. For there is no me I can find.
Beyond this philosophical plight, there remains the undeniable, double-stubborn part of me that insists on being honest, even as the depths of honesty elude me. They, the depths of honesty, are complicated by manmade rules. Whether the rules be about feelings, or disclosure, or privacy, or social behavior, the rules affect my ability to figure out how to be. This in itself in a quandary: For if I am in constant state of trying to figure out how to be me, then when am I me? My mind gets stuck on wheels of thought like the aforementioned, and I become exhausted.
In this interplay of finding truth, simple acts become tiring, thinking becomes tiring. Everything is a hurdle and I the limping former track star trying to merely move beyond the obstacle. I become utterly dumbfounded and lost in a maze of possibilities. In partaking in something as simple as ordering coffee at a local spot, I undergo distress. I wonder if my facial expression is what I am feeling. I wonder if my tone of voice accurately reflects the inner me. I wonder if in my response to ‘how are you,’ is a true response. I wonder if my thoughts are kind about the person, and if they are not kind thoughts, I wonder what is kind? I become lost from the simple act of facing a person at a cash register for under five seconds. Time slows down, too, as if I have the ability to process things at the opposite of hyper-time, and enter a zone of almost endless contemplation, until I am pulled back by a sensory trigger such as the voice of another or chime of a machine. I then question my actions. Was I ‘ADHDing’? Was I time traveling? Was I over-thinking? And then the judge comes forward, the voice I stopped pushing down, and now simply observe and let slip away. The voice reminding me how different I am than most around me; how most of my life is spent in another world, way beyond the experience of the common bystander I observe.
And the thoughts don’t stop then. I am in a constant state of preparation of truth. Sometimes I think a certain species was created to be a light bearer of truth; this species being Aspergers and those on the spectrum. At least sometimes this appears the case to me. But I think whomever plopped some of us down, forgot the enormity of the task of the act of bearing truth, forgot the infiniteness of truth, the way the frays off the branches of thoughts bleed out into millions upon millions of splintered-possibilities, and how the mind can only handle so much. I think this creator, or these creators, whether it be God, aliens, genetics, or mutations, overlooked the humanness of us, the frailties, the ways in which our own minds would override our sense of freedom and hope. And how inevitably in longing for the truth, more than anything, we would lose sight of not only ourselves, and those around us, but the very gift of life.
Everyday Asperger's 
This is very good, but what about the person you hurt, this is all about you. What is an aspie’s perspective of the person that was hurt?
I can’t hurt people without deep regret, tears and over-thinking. I cry more than the person, and try my best to take away their pain to a point that it can be harmful to me.
yes. I echo this. It’s an enormous weight…I so get this…sigh.
sigh
Right now I am reading “My Stroke of Insight – A Brain Scientist’s Personal Journey.” She describes how she no longer had the constant chatter in her head because it was the left hemisphere that was affected by the stroke. She felt like she had entered Nirvana because she felt so at one with the universe. It is really an interesting account of her feelings during this time in her life. It gave me a lot to think about and I am not very good at explaining why but I hope some of you check out this book. The author’s name is Jill Bolte Taylor, Ph.D
For people who prefer to watch rather than read, catch the TED Talk by Jill Bolte Taylor:
interesting 🙂
This totally echoes with me too. The never ending analysing – it really is so exhausting. Was delighted to wake up to your new post though. 🙂
thank you 🙂
Also very resonant with me..just never so eloquently stated..thank you
thank you
I am honest to my downfall time and time again. I understand how lying can weigh on a person who values honesty so much. Sometimes life gives us the impression of no other choice. A lesson I must learn myself. Hope you are well my friend. {{Hugs}} 🙂
thank you 🙂
I went on an outing for the disabled with a group today. I was frank about my diagnosis. One of the girl members of the group, when I talked about being mildly autistic mentioned how she knows someone with Asperger’s. And I said “That’s what I have!” or some words a lot like that. My mom, a few years ago read some of her mom’s diary entries, so I read her old ones at times. When she wrote about when I was originally diagnosed, she used the words mildly autistic. I know that and high functioning (they used that phrase, my mom once told me) are terms likely to be understood.
🙂
This post is REALLY great in explaining some of the inner workings of the Aspie mind, as far as I can tell using my non-Aspie perception. Since I first encountered a severely autistic six-year-old who was being integrated into a mainstream kindergarten while I was a trainee teacher, I have tried to imagine how the inputs from my “majority” environment might be perceived in altered ways to have different effects on the nervous system from the effects these same inputs have on me. Your description sounds rather like what I imagine. Currently I’m trying to nudge an undiagnosed Aspie friend into taking on board some alternative interpretations of what he believes others think about him. In doing that I’m getting him to try and reflect back what he thinks when he asks the assistant behind the counter for a black coffee! And all sorts of everyday things as well, gradually, so he doesn’t get sick of my analytic approach- which he hates if he can put his finger on it! One day I might hear something from HIM that is like this post. Or he might become totally pissed off- I’ll see.
thank you for sharing… YES asking a simple question is in actuality quite complex for most on the spectrum 🙂
I’ve had many struggles with the truth vs. lie scenario. I have always had a profound need to tell the truth. It is something that I’ve always needed to be able to do. To feel that I am in a position where telling the truth is not well received is a position that I would not wish on anyone who thrives on not only truth, but the energy behind truthful words.
Due to being raised by people who should never have born children, I learned that truth is not welcomed no matter how much I need to say the truth it is not welcomed and I was punished for telling any truth. My parents needed to live in their lies and I was forced to do the same. The situation was beyond comprehension, but it was my analysis of their particular use of words and actions that allowed me to see and understand much more than anticipated by the ones who thought I did not have the intelligence to see what they were doing.
This was a very good post. I enjoyed reading it and I enjoyed remembering past times. It helps for me to remember my past so that I can continue growing and healing. I hope that you continue to find growth as you write and share your truths.
thank you for sharing a part of your journey and for your kind words. Much love
You are welcome 🙂 Much love and hugs to you.
Truth… Honesty … once upon a time if I said something then I could guarantee that it was the truth as I knew it or believed it at that moment. I might have not shared all of the truth for the sake of tact, diplomacy or because not everything needed to be said but what I did say was as honest as I could be at the moment. But then I found out just how badly hurt you can be when you share so much truth and honesty about yourself and how/what you are feeling, etc. From that lesson I learnt to lie. I learnt to protect myself. I found myself saying whatever I needed to say to get myself out of the situation or circumstances I was in that I didn’t want to be in. I was angry at the person who caused me to become a liar. I was angry at the person who made me lose myself completely.
Over time I am slowly learning to be me again. I have on my desk a note saying ‘It is okay to be who you are’ and I am trying to learn how to live again in a way that is true to me and acceptable to the world – I’m not sure that’s possible but one thing that I am starting to regain is I am who I am and I think I need to be that person. I’m not sure how that will work itself out but I think I need to allow myself to start being honest with people again. I will do so very cautiously and hopefully prudently and tactfully.
It has occurred to me as I have been writing this that one never knows the whole truth – as it really is – but just as they have received it and perceived it which makes it only truth as they know it. How do I balance that so that I am not being unbalanced and unfair as I seek the truth by being honest with others? It is only in the sharing that the more accurate facts are found out and by then it is too late to take back earlier words that you now know are not right and things said wrong often hurt or do damage. How do you make up for the hurt/damage. Saying sorry just doesn’t seem enough. Has anyone else found what I have experienced in the past. You go to someone to work through an issue with them and by the end of it you end up letting them totally off the hook and taking all the blame yourself?
If I sound confused it’s probably because I am.
Hurt, confused, bewildered…
you make some great points. What is the truth? I write about that on the blog…. thank you for sharing your story. Best to you.
Perception of the individual is where truth lies. Everyone does not mean to do harm to others. Find yourself and allow yourself to be loved, they probably had no idea what to do themselves.
Always Always
🙂