540: Mutism? Aspie Triggered

Recently, a loved one pointed out, in a not-too-harsh, but rather matter-of-fact way, that I complain a lot. In my all-too-common fashion, I stepped back and watched myself wade through the elements of my rapid-firing brain. Or better yet, I observed the domino effect as one thought kicked another thought’s ass. And one after the other, I collapsed.

Here is a very brief scenario:

(The rest of the post can now be found in the book Everyday Aspergers. Available internationally on Amazon.)

45 thoughts on “540: Mutism? Aspie Triggered

  1. I am beginning to think that u n I were separated at birth. Seriously, every word of this blog is spot on to my daily life and my normal mindset. I have often referred to my Aspieness as rapid fire shooting in my head. Like thoughts after thoughts. One thought always triggers another n another. It just never ends.

  2. “Wondered if I begged really loud if my home planet would beam me up.”

    Gave up on that one a little while ago. Beginning to think that I was ostracised to this planet for crimes so great they are unimaginable against my (our) own people. It seems fitting enough punishment, being surround by all these Pudding Brains, yet never being allowed to be one of them.

    I do like to lie back and stare at the stars, trying to figure out which one is mine (ours). There is still a small, very small these days, glimmer that there will be one thats moving towards me, getting ever larger, the MotherShip that comes to take us all back home.

    I’ll save you a seat, window if you want, though I’m sure none of us will want to look back at this Third Rock from the Sun. I promise not to talk as well 🙂

  3. Hi Sam. An amazing piece of writing again. I completely relate to your thought process. I have recently been told by a loved one that I complain too much, and I have been juggling with a mass of thoughts similar to those you write. I shift from judging others (good and bad) to judging myself (mostly bad at the moment). The title ‘mutism’ caught my eye, because I find I often cannot speak. Also, I have experienced the same yarn of thought in that I will try to figure out a way in which I do not have to speak at all, ever again!

    And this: ‘as one thought kicked another thought’s ass’ <—SOO this. Thank you for sharing 🙂

  4. Wonderful blog – I so relate to every word. I try, these days, to look at my brain as a random thought generator and I don’t have to listen or own every thing that my crazy brain throws at me. I also have a theory that we fast thinkers are an essential part of . We are the part of the human genome that can adapt and change human paradigms, we see the big picture we are very good at shaking up the rusty institutions and habitual behaviours of our NT cousins. They would be lost without us and their lives would be so boring. I honestly believe this – so many tech heads are nerds and so many lecturers and researchers are nerds too. We create new and wonderful things for the more conformist people.
    BTW I get called about for complaining to much too. When we were in Bali my sister said ” This place is so good even Mary has found nothing to complain about” lol – I did exactly the thoughts dance you did above.
    Thanks so much for blogging

  5. I love reading your posts because I relate to so much of what you feel – and I am not an Aspie. But I hate that you feel like this, and that I feel like this

  6. I am so sorry about your dog…I had to re read that a few times to know if it really happened…I am so so sorry…
    and I get this….it was like my mind except instead of complaining as the comment at me it was taking things too personally….and I went through the same thought process…including stomping and running away and then doing errands ect….that you did. LOL…Its only funny when Im not in it…when I am in it…its not so funny… it can be hard.
    Again I am sorry about your puppy and how sometimes life hands out blows…I feel for you.

  7. my dog is fine! I meant I will go mute when my dog dies in the future. And I am so glad you found humor in it… that gets us through, doesn’t it? Much love to you twin.

    1. oh phew…glad your dog is fine!!!!:)
      Yes humour gets us through:)
      And I am so glad my fellow soul twin is not suffering with a magnificent loss..:) I wish many years of life to your pup!

  8. WOW! Just WOW! This really hit home. I felt as if this was me I was reading about. Thanks for this post. Well…for all your posts really!! 🙂

  9. This is my life. I don’t know whether to feel comforted that you feel the same or saddened that another human goes through this too.

  10. It’s seriously like everything you write comes out of my journal. As someone was recently diagnosed with Aspergers at 32 (3 months ago), I am learning so much and feeling so much at peace that FINALLY I’m not alone, yet it’s that challenge of being older and knowing that you got this far not really being yourself that really also stings as well. Was it all fake? Was it all learned? Was it worth anything? Who am I now?

    I thank you for being able to put into words what I feel in my heart. But for some reason, while I”m good at writing everything else, can’t really find all the words to fully express it the way you do.

  11. I immediately got angry when I read this. Who gives anyone the right to say they complain too much. Somedays we all get to put are flippers on and splash around in our putty pools. Life is overwhelming, people are puzzles with the most important pieces missing, the wind is annoying… All in all you get the picture. The point of this is that if you keep it bottled inside it consumes you, so you let the negativity out. It’s not complaining it’s just using allowing someone to get all the crap in their lives out, so they can smile and start again. I would think an Aspie’s family members and loved ones could understand it. I know you go through the guilt and anger, shame and just finally feeling mortified stages because you didn’t know that you are viewed like that – or maybe that’s me – but you know what at the end of the day you have an entire community of people who trusts your judgement and don’t mind it when you tell us about your day, good and bad, because it’s so much like our own. So if that’s viewed as complaining, keep at it… It’s helped an entire community of people through daily life.

  12. Thank you for this … your ability to put a voice to a whole lot of people’s thoughts is a gift.

  13. You recon’ NTs don’t think this way?? And seriously, what WOULD it feel like if I could live a moment not being responsible for everything that goes wrong? It would be lovely to be like the kind of people who blame others… I cannot fathom.

  14. I echo just about everyone else when I say that I relate to much of what you wrote in your post. That said, I think it is OK & even normal to complain about something (e.g. that’s too loud! or, that really itches!) You can try to find a solution for those. If your neighbors’ dogs are barking non-stop and it is driving you out of your skin, it is healthy to politely talk to those neighbors or to call the police. From a Christian perspective, it is wrong to go on and on about something,(Philippians 2:14) but never wrong to give initial voice to something that is bothering or harming you. We are supposed to confess our faults to people we trust can handle it (James 5:16). Sometimes, all humans have a poor way of delivering their message. If someone felt they needed to tell me I complain too much, I would hope it would go something like this: “autisticaplanet, I know you are upset about X or don’t like X, but think about how blessed you are that you don’t have to live with Y or don’t live in Y”. Compassionate perspective. This may sound great (or not) in theory, but we live in a society where intellectualism is valued while emotionalism is stunted. There needs to be a balance that may or may not come. The question is, how to stop the intrusive and unhealthy thoughts that follow on the heels of a painful encounter. I deal with this and have fascinated about being more casual in my encounters to avoid pain my brain cannot healthily process and can lead to a violent altercation. I don’t think my neurology can handle the close relationship.

  15. It’s amazing that you write like you are inside my head.

    I’ve never related so much to anything in my entire life!

    I’m not sure as to what purpose this brings, other than I am not alone.

    Thank you.

  16. I’d like to comment on what I’ve learned from some Aspergers colleagues of mine. What others might perceive as “complaining”, may not really be complaining at all, but rather an attempt to problem-solve. The difference is between the person who doesn’t understand your way of thinking (verbalizing the problem out loud in an attempt to find solutions), versus what they deem as complaining. Does that make sense at all?

  17. Wow this is so very like me, I was thinking about my reactions to things the other day and how when someone is critical of me or says something negative happened, I immediately think it is my fault without even thinking about it and immediately go into self punishment mode.

  18. I related so hard to this I cried, was told today by an NT that I needed to ” act more like a human being” and I pretty much did the same thing, was told that I was pitying myself for thinking this way by the same person. It pains me to hear all of the negative thoughts I tell myself 50 times a day being told to me as if I didn’t know it myself. I broke down and thought if I was such a deplorable person I may as well not exist, in the past few days every anxiety was confirmed and I’ve tried to not let it hurt. When I read this I felt as if all of my thoughts were all typed up neatly in case I needed them, thank you for writing this as I do not feel as alien as I did a few hours ago.

  19. Thank you for sharing! I read this and though: “this is literally my brain.” 🙂 I did go through periods of muteness, back before I knew I had AS.

  20. that describes how I’ve been feeling all day ( and all the time!) I have actually started to behave like a dog and one of my best friends is a dog who’s owner is this grumpy old man who hates me and calls me a wicked witch because I bonded with the dog!

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