Photographs of State Park in Washington (July 2012)
I am lost for words today. A woman in a forest of thoughts and mystery, both intrigued and frightened by her own mind.
I am between two rivers, two streams of thought, of how I am to be and what I want to be.
I question my every need, my every desire, my unyielding passion. And yet I know I am pure. I know I am enough. But I wonder where to turn in my mind. Where to stop. Where the boundaries are…when thoughts are exhausted and nothing else exists.
I only want to be loved. I only long to give love. But why do I long? Where does the longing rise from? Where is the switch? This knowing? This intensity? Where is this me that calls from beneath the shadows?
I measure everything. I place abstractness on scales. My actions are spared, as my thoughts have been filtered through and through, weighed out, analyzed, scrutinized…my actions don’t have a chance…they are absent…missing…vapors evaporating before they breathe.
Where do I travel? Where do I go? Why am I a lone wanderer on a planet that does not feel familiar and in a body and form I do not recognize? Why can I see others more clearly than my own self? And where do I stand? If I do not follow and do not lead, then where is my place in line?
Where is my reflection? Where do I find me. I cannot see me except through the eyes of another, and still this perception is so broken and shattered. And in my own mirror, I do not know this me. Everything in physical is not me. Every angle different and obscure. If I am not what I see and not what another sees, then what am I?
Am I my words? These symbols? These sounds? Am I energy? Am I flesh? Am I this still beating heart? Or am I more so this ache, this deep and unreachable ache. Yes, I am this ache. I am in totality this intense ache.
So where to put me, this angst, this invisible pull that spins me into unwanted need and unneeded want. Where to put me?
Perhaps to the moon. Fly me to the moon, so I may be made whole. So that I may exist as an unmistakable mass dancing in empty space. My purpose only to move and stir. Paste me there. My image melted into one form. This searching ended. Paste me to the moon, so that I may watch from above and you may watch from below; and then we can both, from where we exist, imagine the world of the image before us.
I came across this list I wrote over a year ago, in 2011.
In This Way I Shall Live
Recognize power is not in money but in the perception and energy granted to the illusion of money.
Explore avenues and options, and discard thoughts that are built on foundations of hopelessness and failure.
Acknowledge the limitless of the universe within.
Welcome abundance into life.
Confront feelings of “being nice.” Discover what “being nice” has meant, what it has brought, and what it has cost. Replace “being nice” with “living authentically.”
Honor true feelings and opinions without judgment of self.
Release the need to be anything to anyone.
Understand and embrace inner potential.
Prioritize what is most vital, including health, clean environment, communication, fun, and gratitude.
Welcome order into life.
Partake in a health cleanse to detoxify the body, mind and spirit.
Continue cleanse day-by-day based on individual needs and desires, and not balanced against the outcomes of others.
Pay attention to what is put into the mouth, where food comes from, who provides the food and at what cost to society and the environment the food is made.
Welcome clean healthy food into life.
Be gentle with self.
Welcome accomplishment into life.
Release the need to contribute.
Pamper the self.
Give back to the giver.
Give by receiving thankfully and fully, without excuse or diminishment of the experience.
Allow others to love the beauty carried within.
Believe in the worth of the glorious embodied spirit of love that resides within.
Reach not for answers.
Relax in just being and knowing essentially all is enough.
Welcome nurturing into life.
Sacrifice for growth. To break through spiritual blockages make a sacrifice through spoken word, written word, or other form of creation.
Take a risk to honor the self.
Speak up.
Claim the right to be heard.
Speak for self and self alone, not dependent upon outcome or response.
Honor the self enough to give voice to passion and need.
Replace silence with truth.
Welcome growth into life.
Let go.
Release anyone, everything, anything, any thought, any memory, any worry, and any entity taking energy from spirit.
Release and know that in releasing in return there is increased compassion and love.
Replace anger, resentment, regret, bitterness, and blame with increased empathy, patience, love, and forgiveness.
Forgive and then forgive again. Make forgiveness an every moment process. Awake and forgive. And awake and forgive again.
Welcome freedom into life.
Let loose the pattern of looking for infractions, wrongs, and imperfection.
Notice the limitless beauty in imperfection.
Know if this was to be the last day of breath, the day will have been spent in thankfulness.
Welcome life.
Forest in Great Northwest Washington Photos by Sam Craft
“When I say to you, ‘You are lovely’, you do not believe me, because of the blemishes you know so intimately; but those blemishes are the scars of your sufferings and they shine out of your soul, radiating beauty, the way the daisies do in the long summer grasses. So when I say to you. ‘Even with closed eyes, I still see how beautiful you are’, it is true. Believe it. Believe it.” ~ Rumi
I am a sculptor, a molder of form.
In every moment I shape an idol.
But then, in front of you, I melt them down
I can rouse a hundred forms
and fill them with spirit,
but when I look into your face,
I want to throw them in the fire.
My soul spills into yours and is blended.
Because my soul has absorbed your fragrance,
I cherish it.
Every drop of blood I spill
informs the earth,
I merge with my Beloved
when I participate in love.
In this house of mud and water,
my heart has fallen to ruins.
Enter this house, my Love, or let me leave.
~ Rumi
“Your inner teacher says: ‘Come closer. Be faithful to the tree that you are. Like last year’s leaves, shed the old stories, the ache of unfulfilment, the pain of separation from yourself. Follow the fool’s tracks. He turns himself inside out and upside down and all for smiles, all for laughter, that splits paradigms and shakes you to your roots. Come inside. Summer is a wild rose, though only for a little while, but your heart is a rose for all seasons and wild for love. Do not be afraid to be heart to heart with yourself.”’ ~ Rumi
“The Master sees things as they are, Without trying to control them. He lets them go their own way, And resides at the center of the circle. He or She understands that the Universe is forever out of control, And that trying to dominate events Goes against the current of the Tao. Be content with what you have; Rejoice in the way things are. When you realize there is nothing lacking, The whole world belongs to you.” ~ Tao Te Ching
A summer’s walk in the Great Northwest photos by Sam Craft
Everyday Asperger's 
