Day 179: Paste Me to the Moon

Photographs of State Park in Washington (July 2012)

I am lost for words today. A woman in a forest of thoughts and mystery, both intrigued and frightened by her own mind.

I am between two rivers, two streams of thought, of how I am to be and what I want to be.

I question my every need, my every desire, my unyielding passion. And yet I know I am pure. I know I am enough. But I wonder where to turn in my mind. Where to stop. Where the boundaries are…when thoughts are exhausted and nothing else exists.

I only want to be loved. I only long to give love. But why do I long? Where does the longing rise from? Where is the switch? This knowing? This intensity? Where is this me that calls from beneath the shadows?

I measure everything. I place abstractness on scales. My actions are spared, as my thoughts have been filtered through and through, weighed out, analyzed, scrutinized…my actions don’t have a chance…they are absent…missing…vapors evaporating before they breathe.

Where do I travel? Where do I go? Why am I a lone wanderer on a planet that does not feel familiar and in a body and form I do not recognize? Why can I see others more clearly than my own self? And where do I stand? If I do not follow and do not lead, then where is my place in line?

Where is my reflection? Where do I find me. I cannot see me except through the eyes of another, and still this perception is so broken and shattered. And in my own mirror, I do not know this me. Everything in physical is not me. Every angle different and obscure. If I am not what I see and not what another sees, then what am I?

Am I my words? These symbols? These sounds? Am I energy? Am I flesh? Am I this still beating heart? Or am I more so this ache, this deep and unreachable ache. Yes, I am this ache. I am in totality this intense ย ache.

So where to put me, this angst, this invisible pull that spins me into unwanted need and unneeded want. Where to put me?

Perhaps to the moon. Fly me to the moon, so I may be made whole. So that I may exist as an unmistakable mass dancing in empty space. My purpose only to move and stir. Paste me there. My image melted into one form. This searching ended. Paste me to the moon, so that I may watch from above and you may watch from below; and then we can both, from where we exist, imagine the world of the image before us.

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46 thoughts on “Day 179: Paste Me to the Moon

  1. So beautifully written, you are so very talented in sharing your heart. We are so very alike and I feel so very blessed having you as my friend.
    “Why am I a lone wanderer on a planet that does not feel familiar and in a body and form I do not recognize? Why can I see others more clearly than my own self?”
    I see you my friend and I know you see me too. You are never alone.
    “Where is my reflection? Where do I find me. I cannot see me except through the eyes of another, and still this perception is so broken and shattered. And in my own mirror, I do not know this me. Everything in physical is not me. Every angle different and obscure. If I am not what I see and not what another sees, then what am I?”
    You are fearfully and wonderfully made, created in His image and loved unconditionally.
    I love you so very much. Me. xxx HUGS โค
    I love all your photos.

  2. For what it is worth, I see you too. I know those thoughts and feelings. You are not alone. Your words always seem to bring me back from my abyss. We all have our purpose on this planet, maybe all of us together can figure it out by sharing. Thank you and I also very much enjoy you photos.

  3. Hi Samantha

    You do write beautifully; you have a knack for describing feelings so accurately without descending into the banal or the cliche. And I’m sure that most truly creative people throughout history (whether writers, painters or visionary scientists) have been driven by the feelings of longing or ache you describe.

    I ache too! I have been trying to find out as much as I can recently about aspergers/spectrum conditions because I’m trying to get the whole thing straight for myself. I have two good aspie friends who both say I’m aspie too, but the daughter of family friends is diagnosed with ADD/dyspraxia and I relate to her too. My oldest sone is diagnosed with dyspraxia.

    But all this aside, I have been doing some therapy work recently with a woman who is a consultant psychiatrist (therefore a doctor) but who subsequently trained as a psychotherapist and now practices using energy medicine, so she uses kinesiology as a diagnostic tool, then works on blocks on the chakras or meridians as appropriate. She is confirming what I suspected, which is that the emotional blocks (invariably laid down in early childhood) strangle the brain. And even if aspies have brains that look different under scans, perhaps the whole story is one of chicken and egg. In other words, the emotinal blocks to ‘normal’ brain function are the result of childhood trauma. And the so-called genetic element to all this is that we learn to parent from our parents. Even if we’re determined to do things differently! So we tend to pass things on.

    In a sense, I simply wonder where your own view on all this might be, but in the end does it even matter? Perhaps for each of us, the creative impulse (or perhaps in some cases catharsis) may well be the important thing and perhaps more important than trying to adapt or change to fit in…

    Always enjoy this site. Sorry to have wittered about personal stuff, but feel you are a good person to talk to!

    Much love
    Gill

    1. I hear personal stories everyday. And enjoy when others share, greatly…so it’s not just me doing all the talking. ๐Ÿ™‚ I appreciate you taking note that i don’t descend into banal or cliche…I note that about writing..and try not to. I agree with the creative people being driven by angst….so very, very evident and true.
      Your consultant sounds ideal. What a combo of skills!
      My view is always changing, but at this present moment I believe that Aspergers is only a name, and am beginning to see more and more that Aspergers is a spiritual way of living in this world…more sensitive, more aware, more in touch with self, less attached to physical, etc. I do not believe it is a result of trauma. And I for one did not take on any of my family of origin parenting skills, beyond the beneficial. I believe Aspergers is a way of walking in this world, and seeing this world differently. I see it as a spiritual gift in many ways….even with the challenges. ๐Ÿ™‚
      But, I also currently believe there is no one “right” answer. and if one’s belief system helps them cope or others cope without harm…then no harm done. ๐Ÿ™‚
      Hope that makes sense. Much light and love to you. Sam

  4. Your beautiful soul lights the way so that those falling behind may see your shadows as doors into the Light. This Woman on the Moon is smiling and holding a place for you!! xxoo

  5. You are all. The ache, the joy, the symbols of your written words, the emotions they convey… Ultimately, we are all alone no matter how much we want to relate to each other- no one knows all of us, our feelings and how they arise from the culmination of our experiences which will always be similar – yet different from each others. I think the trick is to learn to love your own companionship, to understand your importance to those around you (especially your children) and to be accepting that day to day our physical pain and the reality of what our environment shares with us, the weather, smells, lights and darks of life will influence our moods and we must simply make ourselves comfortable in our own skin. Let go of comparison (so hard to do) and relax.

    The photos are pristine but lonely. Go to the water not the forest. The water is comfort. xoxo

    1. K ~ I can always see your big heart in your writing on your blog and your comments. I can see how much you want to heal those you care about. I appreciate your continued support and kindness. Glad to know you. ๐Ÿ™‚ Sam

    1. Great state park/camping area. I’m certain you’d find plenty of mountain bike trails in these parts. Happy biking. ๐Ÿ™‚ Sam “honk, honk” from one of those red horns on bikes. ๐Ÿ™‚ or a clown’s nose…he he

  6. “Fly me to the moon, so I may be made whole. So that I may exist as an unmistakable mass dancing in empty space. My purpose only to move and stir. Paste me there. My image melted into one form. This searching ended. Paste me to the moon, so that I may watch from above and you may watch from below; and then we can both, from where we exist, imagine the world of the image before us.”

    Breathtaking – literally Sam….

    I am having a similar need right now (the moon is sounding really great as there is no gravity there right?) — so know you are SO not alone. Again the root of our feelings/needs/wants may differ ~ but it really matters not, as you and I can ride that space ship together!! ~

    Your writing just broke through the chambers of my heart Sam ~ wish I could answer all the hard questions… not sure I can ~ but can say you are enough – you are loved ~ and you are a wonderful being of this planet ~ though of others too??

    Hang in … I understand. Hugs & Much Love Sea Sister, Robyn

    1. I’ve been quoted!!! hehe….. thanks so much ๐Ÿ™‚ … talking about you…were your ears burning….only a quick word about how wonderful you are. Truly you are. ๐Ÿ™‚
      No gravity….ideal for pain, wouldn’t it be???? I will meet you on the moon!! If we could find a low-gravity planet with oxygen, no danger, and oceans…that would be ideal.

      Thank you for your super supportive words….the energy behind what you say is always so pure and easy for me to take in. Thank you bunches. xoxoxo Sea Sister Sam

      1. Yes – you have been quoted – and you are one of the most proficient writers I’ve known Sam… I may have to use that quote on a blog post– just gotta get the perfect photo ~ Fly Me To the Moonish!!! Really do love it lots!

        No ears burning — but groin is!! LOL~ echhh….

        I like your proposal for a low gravity planet with oxygen and no danger and SEA!!! WE would be all set ~~ oh – must have chocolate too : ) Love you dear Sam….xo

      1. I can do it for you …I want to post the first one ..I will link it back to your blog …when I’m done I will send you the link of your post and you may reblog or post to your blog for your followers to go and vote

  7. Absolutely beautiful photos-it reminds me of a lake/bird sanstuary near our house-I honestly had to look through the whole set to be sure it WASN’T the one near our house. Thanks for checking out my blog-I will follow yours and hope you will do the same.

  8. I stand in awe of your photos and words.. and feel If I could only reach out and give you some support, in some way.. a hug, a word or two of encouragement, I feel your pain and confusion yet when you can pen a blog like you do I wonder how many others gain inspiration from your words and pictures… Your talent is unassailable, by mere mortals as I, and I write articles on another site where I’m presently the top author, yet I envy your capabilities.
    Your blogs reflect your feelings so clearly and so amazingly, that I wish I could pen in a similar way, to enable ones self to write your true feelings, emotions and sensitivities is true talent.
    My veneration of you is unexplainable, and yet I feel I know you so well… So go with my feeling of respect and admiration, travel to the moon if that is your need.. but please return as I so enjoy your words and photos… and go with a big Hug from me…

    1. Your comment means a lot to me. Although I had to giggle at the “mere mortals” part. ๐Ÿ™‚ hehe
      Poetic are your words, and truly kind. Thank you so much. You have given support in words of encouragement. And this part your wrote….this is what I believe, and strive for, why I do what I do: ” I feel your pain and confusion yet when you can pen a blog like you do I wonder how many others gain inspiration from your words and picturesโ€ฆ ” So thank you very much for seeing that part!
      Keep capturing those animal’s spirits, as you do Bulldog. ๐Ÿ™‚ Your gifts are equally vital to share. I will travel to the moon…thank you for the validation and permission. And I shall return more refilled with energy and joy. Hugs, Sam

  9. Hey Sam: I’m a bit lost myself with so many directions to go…I want/need to go in them all. Thanks for sharing yourself….you are an inspiration to those of us who find sharing not so easy. ๐Ÿ™‚

    1. Thank you Indigo… appreciate your kind words, as always….fly to the moon with me….and return renewed. Sigh….I know what you mean, and hope while you are in this season of searching you have lots of comfort and support. Hugs, Sam

  10. I am familiar with the mood. I don’t get that way too much anymore. Partly the stroke and, partly, just the knowledge that God exists and is really out there for me. I said in another comment on another blog that I still wish I could find someone to really love me, but I am okay by myself. It is, certainly, better than being with someone and being miserable. Yes, you are enough; I am enough; each of us is enough; we have to be because, in the end, we are all there is.
    But, now, I am getting to philosophical; just know you are loved.
    BB – Scott

    1. ๐Ÿ™‚ I feel those feelings a few times a month, and have learned the intensity passes much faster when I process and write it out, and even more fast when I share. Usually only a few hours. I am learning to embrace the deep melancholic mood, and fear it less and less…It is part of my journey, as well, and allows me to feel great joy at the other end. ๐Ÿ™‚ Thanks for your kind words. ๐Ÿ™‚

  11. “I measure everything. I place abstractness on scales. My actions are spared, as my thoughts have been filtered through and through, weighed out, analyzed, scrutinizedโ€ฆmy actions donโ€™t have a chanceโ€ฆthey are absentโ€ฆmissingโ€ฆvapors evaporating before they breathe.”

    Ooooh…sooooo spot on!!!! That is so me!!!! I love how you express your thoughts in your work…brilliant!!!! ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚

    I like this part…I see a reflection of me in it…

    “Where do I travel? Where do I go? Why am I a lone wanderer on a planet that does not feel familiar and in a body and form I do not recognize? Why can I see others more clearly than my own self? And where do I stand? If I do not follow and do not lead, then where is my place in line?”

    If you ever get to fly to the moon, Sam…will you let me know? LOL…I would like to fly with you ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ™‚
    {{{{hugs}}}}

  12. Sam, this is beautiful. It’s amazing how we shift from being so confident in ourselves to feeling so overwhelmed with thoughts about why we are here and what is our purpose. I know i tend to have a hard time just sitting with my feelings without thinking, overthinking, over-rationalizing. I definitely feel for you, as there are days when i just want to go somewhere other than this planet. Getting myself out of a slump used to seem so impossible that it came to closing myself off from social interaction outside of the family. Have you ever gone in between the Aspie world and the NT world and started to second guess yourself? It’s definitely can make one’s head spin a million miles a minute. You also brought up a great question with reflection. I feel like there is so much to write once i start talking about moments where i feel real anxious or panicky, it becomes a healing process. Love to you soul sister. Hugs.
    ~Maya

    1. Thanks so much beautiful Maya. You said it “without over thinking, over rationalizing,….” Yep. Second guess? You bet! Much love to you, soul sister. And write, write, write. Hugs, Sam ๐Ÿ™‚

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