495: Hard

I have Aspergers. And it’s hard.

1. The constant search in my head for better words that define more accurately the truth I am feeling, even as I am so hyper-analytical I cannot pinpoint the truth.
2. The times I need to curl in a corner and cry with the imaginary arms of someone around me, and then sobbing uncontrollably, as I realize like all the times before, there is no one there.
3. The truth of my isolation and how no one will ever be able to slip into my mind and understand.
4. Limbo. Not knowing the fullness of a situation enough to let my mind rest and being an unwilling victim to the trickling thoughts of what if, and why, and when.
5. Counting the minutes until I can sleep, hoping the sleep will help me escape the increasing thoughts of fear.
6. Saying goodbye to a moment of safety, to that time, or place, or wonderful person who made me forget enough of the world and myself to actually feel free and alive. And in that moment of the leaving, of the end, how the panic of reality rushes in and seizes my heart, mind, and spirit—a torrential storm rising within and pushing at me from without.
7. Realizing again and again I am different in a world that seems riddled with sameness. Understanding that the depths of me are so deep that even I get lost with no hope of escape.
8. Wanting to be seen, truly seen, and held and loved fully, so that the last sliver of my soul is felt, every part of me seeped into another and opened, accepted, and adored.
9. The discomfort of watching myself slip from one persona to the next, and as much as I try never knowing who I am, what I am, or how to be.
10. The way in which the world watches me and thinks they know who I am, and how utterly and entirely wrong they are in their conclusions and attempts to claim me as one of them, to turn me into the image they wish me to be.
11. The long minutes of anticipation in which time stops and my mind cannot rest. And in not resting, my body collapse immobile for a day or more, unable to accomplish the slightest task until the answers are grasped or at minimum processed, understood, and accepted.
12. The agonizing pain of not knowing, and knowing there is no knowing, but still being unable to stop the angst of limbo of not knowing.
13. The way in which I cannot grasp one tool or person or reasoning to assist me in my struggle for truth and comfort. The way in which nothing I believe in seems to last and the understanding that reality is fleeting, subject to the invisible winds of an invisible storm.
14. Telling someone I am kind and real and genuine, and knowing I am, but also knowing they don’t believe me.
15. Feeling like an alien. Feeling like an alien. Feeling like an alien.
16. The way in which I step back as observer and watch myself freak out and wig out and create chaos out of nothing, but still being unable to stop myself.
17. Listening to myself talk and hearing the constant running inner dialogue of how I could have said what I wanted to say in a clearer way. Or thinking I shouldn’t have spoken because what I said wasn’t kind enough, gentle enough, or needed.
18. Thinking anything I say isn’t needed, is irrelevant, or will just bury me and leave me alone. Thinking I want to be quiet and keep everything inside but knowing I can’t.
19. Wondering what the other person thinks of me, even as I know I am a good person and their opinion isn’t me, whilst analyzing all the pros and cons of self, and trying to come out on top, but eventually finding proof or evidence in the way I could and perhaps ‘should’ better myself.
20. Wanting desperately, more than anything in the entire world, to be held by someone who sees me, knows me, gets me, feels me, and wants nothing more than to be there at my side forever.

18 thoughts on “495: Hard

  1. Thinking about #20, I am reminded that I found that person when I finally stopped looking to people who were either just like me or the opposite of me or ones I thought could/would take care of me. I was so surprised to find that the person who could do what you ask there, whp so many of us want, was, in reality, a person who has come to terms with and banished own demons and is quiet, comforting, companionable, and, above all, non-judgmental.

  2. Hi:) I constantly feel that people find me rude, and they don’t understand me. Sometimes it’s hard to be me, one minute I am happy, and then suddenly something or somebody make me upset, and then I am really sad. Is it possible, that aspergers people have bipolar disorders to ?

    1. In my experience it is different than bi polar, as I am triggered…it always happens for a reason and therefore it’s less biological and chemical. The people or events tigger me.

  3. Your posts help me as I certainly identify with almost all. I want to share that I have had to release the past and most of the people in it. They are abusive and extremely superficial and I have always felt “mocked” by them. Today I have found Animal Activists that have huge hearts and are fearless. I have been hugely inspired by Dr. Temple Grandin. She is single and fearless and has ALWAYS been an alien on this planet. But
    the good thing is, she is NOT an alien, but someone who embraced her
    different ways and refused the romantic notion that someone would “save” her. She saved herself, and in the process has alleviated immense suffering in the animal world. We are not alone.

  4. Thank you for this…my almost 12 year old daughter has ASD and this help sums up how I think she feels perfectly. It’s timely as we have had a hard day today, and this helps. THANKS.

  5. it’s a very beautiful post! i share a lot of the points even if i’m not autistic. i’d say the main difference probably is that feel those things even more than i do and more often. maybe the first thing is for you to accept yourself, because from some phrases (like at 17, 18, 19) it is clear to me that you do not like the way you are. it is a common problem (to everyone, me included) easier to explain than to solve it. however, being aware of it is a first step. once you manage at least in part, you’ll see how people will like you too. you can’t dislike yourself and wait for someone else to show you that you are beautiful. first, you have to believe in you and then you have to show to others that you are beautiful. and now don’t think “yeah if i only was..”. you are beautiful indeed! the truth is that every single person is amazing. if we only were patient enough to find out. every single person is unique and full of potential, power. finally, just be what you want to be, free from how the others judge “the kind” and the not kind enough. it seems to me that you are very much concerned about pleasing the others, which is very common in every human being who wants to be loved (see children trying to please their parents, for instance). but if you manage to like and love yourself and coping with the possibility of being the only one who does (i had to cope with that myself: it can happen that people do not marry for life etc; and it’s hard to accept because of all the movies you see and social pressure, but it does happen), then you’ll find out that you are great and everything that happens is just fine. and in that moment, you’ll look even more beautiful to everybody’s else eyes and you’ll actually find the one 🙂 re. the changes in life..well same here. i tried desperately to hold and never let go of anything in the past. but i’m learning and the first step is understanding that the reason for that holding on is the fear because of the lack of self-confidence of being able to cope with whatever life brings up. so again, it’s all about that. believe in yourself, in your strength, your beauty and everything will get sorted out, spontaneously, as a consequence 😉 i know it’s not easy but i, myself, am trying^^

    1. In other words, do you love yourself? It was taboo for me to even utter those words not so long ago: I love myself. Gradually, very gradually, I did what some of my favourite coaches online suggested, until, suddenly one day the yearning was gone. Yes, I now do love myself. It’s a miracle! 🙂

  6. Reblogged this on leighmcnultybooks and commented:
    During my time of pain and confusion I often turn to the words of others for comfort when mine seem distant and unreachable. This one particular blog by Samantha Craft that really sums it up quite well and is quite comforting to read.

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