When “aspie” isn’t you….
I will never be like you. You can try to understand me, and you will see glimpses, but you will never get me, never. Trying to explain me is like trying to explain a color that doesn’t exist, a color I can readily see and am familiar with in all its shades and forms, but still a nonexistent color to you. It’s like trying to explain what a wish is to someone who doesn’t believe in magic. Or showing an alien artifact to a scientist and expecting him to interpret the unknown elements. It can’t be done. I can’t be done. I can’t be undone. I just am and you just are. And here we are: two distant stars.
You understand this planet, at least to a degree you do. I don’t. I never will. I don’t get the things some might call simple. I don’t get the things some may call average or familiar. I don’t understand lies. I don’t understand life without immense passion. I don’t understand why anyone would dare to hurt anyone or anything on purpose. But I do understand hurt. What is it other than the bleeding soul?
I long for you to understand me. To hear me. To see me. But so many, this you you are and the other you’s out there, they won’t. They just can’t. It’s not about lacking capacity or something that is better or worse, or something that is special or odd. There are no labels. Where I come from, wherever that be, the boxes, the names, the titles, or what have yous—these invented ways of deciphering and existing—they don’t exist. So it’s not about dividing or exacting. None of that matters.
What it is about is separation, the split, the way in which my mind and the heart connected cannot fathom the ways of the world, and how, in this separation, I am left isolated daily, walking outside the existence I lead, feeling more than any soul ought to, and knowing more than I recognize.
You can’t see me. You can’t truly see me. You can’t understand. And I hide behind this smile, though genuine it be, waiting and waiting for the time to come where the veil is lifted, and once again, I am here, no longer isolated in a land I don’t recognize.
Sam Craft, Everyday Aspergers
10 thoughts on “496: When ‘Aspie’ isn’t You…”
Life engulfs me, yet it is a stranger to me. Why do I feel so immensely involved with everything, yet so disconnected? I will never be part of what surrounds me but it doesn’t stop me analyzing it’s existence. I grow weary of the falseness of the life that I am expected to lead in order to co exist with people I will never understand & hold in no great regard……& at the same time….hunger for their acceptance. Why do I care so much?
I loved this piece Sam. It is beautifully written & it compelled me to reply. I felt a connection with your words that comforted me. Thank you so much.
Sometimes, the granditude of the disconnect is overwhelming & although I try to explain how I feel….the words can never do it justice & then I get “that look”.
So I content myself with the realization that every day will hold a challenge for me. Challenges that must be concealed as the world around me would deem them derisive & therein lies the problem. I am indeed, for want of a better word, invisible to them. They will never know me…..& I too will continue to yearn for that same day when I can at last transcend my conceptions of the world from a spectators viewpoint, & start living life as “part” of it.
Much love to you Sam. 🙂
Wow. What a touching essay. It really help put into perspective how you feel toward the world. There is a lot to learn in your writing. Thanks for sharing.
Have a wonderful day.
Hey Sam. Your last two posts have spoken to my very soul. I can’t label what I am feeling when I read these posts…its part excitement that someone else sees the world like me…part gratitude that you can articulate through writing how you see your world and therefore explain some of mine…. and part extreme sadness at my pain and yours.
Thank you Sam & Lorraine
Your words are both a comfort and an affirmation: a.) I am not alone and b.) I am the way I am – and I am beginning to understand that, lonely though it is, this intensity, this hyper sensitivity and deep, compassionate ability to feel is an extraordinary gift!
Sharing our stories, helping each other to see – to articulate who and what we are – is so empowering.
I love this community. Thank you Sam for your beautiful sharing and for taking the leadership to keep exploring this deeply personal discovery of what it means to be an aspie.
This was shared by my Aspie best friend. More NTs such as I need to see these expressed thoughts, possibly experience emotion and feelings pertaining to them. Perhaps many will NOT understand, but they will see that “different” is neither a disability nor a danger. We are all part of the same planet and we need to know more about each other.
Hi Sam & Lorraine
Your words are very touching… I wanted to respond as I’ve fallen in love with a girl who’s an aspie…
I have such strong feelings for her & can see a future together which I’ve not had with anyone else but there are times when I feel quite alone & confused.
Is there any advice you could give an NT male… I’ve read a couple of books but wondered if there is anything else such as societies etc that could help me/us in allowing the relationship to blossom so that we both give each other what we want & need?
I only wish I could put this into words as eloquently as you have done
Hi Rob. Might I suggest you liking my like page on Facebook… see the left column and i could ask several people this question above and you can get a variety of reposes. Off the top of my head, for me, I love Patience, unconditional acceptance, understanding my mood in regards to wanting to be seen or go out alters, I fluctuate between high and low self-worth, I need a lot of compliments and affection, etc. Best wishes. 🙂
I love what you have written. I’ve felt this way for a while. I’ve even gotten to the point where I don’t really want people to know about me. I’m tired of the assumptions and comparisons. When I speak of how I am affected by my environment there is always someone quick to compare the way they feel as well. I’m tired of hearing that we all feel the same way, especially when they don’t understand how I feel.
I’m tired of people oversimplifying how I feel. How can they know how “I” feel?
You have inspired me again, my friend. I am so glad I have your writings to keep me connected to you. I miss you.
much love and thank you
You are quite welcome, my friend. 🙂 Much love…