509: There Needs to be A Name

There needs to be a name
There needs to be a name for what happens
Because always with happiness
Comes this shadow
Some dark figure behind closed doors

When happy rings
I open
I envelop
I take in the colors, the smells, and desires
I become that which is: calm, giddy, and hope-filled
The world mine, for a moment
Free
Anxiety lifted
Somewhat ‘normal’
And yet…
And yet…
And yet…

The Shadow
There—waiting, watching, wanting
To devour

I am these two: Split
Yes, split
I am momentarily happy, and I am perpetually sad
Half sees the other as weak, dismal, and pathetic
Half sees the other as over-bearing, tiring and exhaustive
Melancholic one, concurs
Happy sweeps up the messes and sets things straight

Some other piece, long forgotten
Wants nothing more
Than to crawl into a space of no halves
No me’s
Where there is emptiness
Tranquility
And the absence of extremes

Somewhere between
Over-exertion
And under-confidence
I wobble, this lonelier non-version
Frightened by the chime of happiness

~ Everyday Aspergers

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11 thoughts on “509: There Needs to be A Name

  1. Yes… I understand the fear of happiness. Happiness in of itself is a wonderful thing to behold and experience however it is the sudden loss of happiness…not deserving. Perhaps too much happiness prompts sadness. I don’t know, but I do know that it is a phenomenon that I have yet to understand. Sometimes I loath happiness because I do not want to feel the darkness that is to come.

  2. Your writings are hauntingly beautiful. My 22 year old daughter was diagnosed with Aspergers in June. We are struggling, searching, hoping and praying for some sort of peace. Blessings to you and your courageous spirit! Thank you for helping me ‘get it’ a little more.

    1. My name by the way is Brainwaves. The waves we have ebbing and flowing in our heads on a moment to moment and day to day basis, are waves/movement/electrical vibrations whatever you want to call them. I see them as waves of movement.

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