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Day 128: Prude to Sexy

| Aspergers Girls

Now, I hope you do all know that I have Aspergers. With Aspergers sometimes comes this naive spirit (in a wonderful way) and sometimes (in my case: often times) a tendency to not understand sexual connotations. Well, luckily I ran this post by someone (my husband). He kindly pointed out that having the topic, learning to self-massage, as one of my It List’s items might be a little risqué. I didn’t understand why learning to massage my hands and feet with lotion would be inappropriate.

When I was still a youngster, in my early twenties, my mother took me to see her psychic. I was told that I would first have two children, much like twins, and everyone would think they were twins at first—this happened. I was told that I would live to be 86 and that at the half-point (age 43) my life would shift and be happier—happening (at least the age 43 happy part). I was also told that I was a French nun in my past life and brought a lot of that mindset to this lifetime, and carried around a bunch of Catholic guilt and felt I was always sinning with my very thoughts! SO NOT HAPPENING anymore….

I’ve been a prude for the first half of my life. For the second half, I’m going to be sexy. Of course last year at this time, I was going to be a Buddhist monk, and was seriously considering growing my hair out all grey, never ever wearing makeup again, and going braless. So, really, we don’t know what to expect from me. As you can tell by looking over my last two posts, where I went from exceedingly on top of all the universes, to basically, and literally, cry me a river.

But, despite my track record, I’d thought I’d give this sexy thing a shot, and at least make a list, since I love lists anyhow. And thusly, I’ve included my ten goals for the next eight months, that leads us into February 2013, and day 366 (leap year, remember).

 

Prude to SEXY!

My IT List for Sexy

The High SEXY boots

1. High Boots. A must. With a short skirt and leggings, and a powerful cat walk.

A small sexy ankle tattoo. Perhaps a tiny sun or a tiger symbol.

2. Must have a small, sexy ankle tattoo. A permanent stamp that says the prude is gone and to banish the nun in me.

3. Study sexy action. Study sexy poses, sexy movies, and  sexy singing.

kimdehaan.wordpress.com

4. Classic Guitar and Lessons. Preferably taught by a dark, gorgeous hunk of burning love.

5. Bikini on the beach. Yes, bikini.

Maui 2012

6.  Lots and lots of submerging in water. River walking. Hit the beach. Swim in the pool. Soak in hot tub. Go to hot springs. Bubble baths.

kayakingtours.com

7. Kayaking tour and buying a kayak and wetsuit.

wikipedia.org

8. Belly dancing in this dress. Ooh la la!

Where I walk in Washington State

9. Nature

Trees and more trees. And hugging trees. Hiking. State parks. Forests. Resting on the grass by the lake. Sitting on the bench and watching the birds. Breathing in the air. Breathing.

kundalinishaktidance.com/

10. Kundalini Yoga

Got to keep the second chakra fed, or I’ll never pose for that photo of me at the water’s edge, posing sexy in a bikini, donning a belly pierce and one high boot, with the other foot bare, as to show of my ankle tattoo, all while strumming a guitar in a kayak and mouthing “I love you.”

Woke up to this today.  This music is SEXY, too. 

Day 98: The Day I Lost My Butt

| Aspergers Girls

This is a true story.

My husband took this photo and the other. He is gifted that way.

I was with a crowd of people the day I lost my butt. I searched everywhere for my butt. In desperate need of a butt, I clasped my two hands over a stranger’s butt, imitated pulling off her butt, and then I tried to fit her butt onto my butt. But her butt wouldn’t stay on me. When the stranger asked, “How does my butt fit?” I responded, “Too small.” And with a frown, I sighed, shrugged my shoulders, hung my head low, and gave her back her butt.

As I walked in embarrassment without at butt, I covered the place my butt had been with my hands. Sometimes I slid across the floor to hide my missing butt or I squatted down and walked low to the ground. When I sat, I placed my hands beneath me on the chair to protect the skin where my butt had been. Other times I sat on my knees.

Off and on for an hour, I searched for my butt. One time I asked the crowd, “Have you seen my butt?”

I looked under my chair for my butt. I looked in corners and underneath people’s legs for my butt. Later, in desperation, I found a microphone, and again asked, “Has anyone seen my butt?”

No one had seen my butt.

After we left the crowd, and returned home, for weeks my three sons, and sometimes my husband, would peer from around the corner, at random intervals, and ask, “Where’s your butt?”  One day my family gathered together on the couch to view the recording of the day I lost my butt.

It didn’t matter where I went in our home. I could be sitting on the toilet, climbing the stairs, or cooking dinner, and someone in our house would ask, “Where’s your butt?”

I will always remember the day I lost my butt.

My butt is back now. My butt actually never disappeared. I only thought my butt had vanished. In reality I’d been hypnotized on stage to believe my butt was stolen.

I believe at times we all think we’ve lost our butts, or at least we believe we’ve lost a portion of ourselves. Many of us think an essential part of us is missing or lacking. We believe we aren’t worthy, aren’t enough, aren’t special, and aren’t lovable; when in actuality we came into the world fully equipped with everything we need. Our butts are firmly attached.

Nothing is missing and nothing has been taken away. We are worthy, we are enough, we are special, we are lovable, but we forget. When we think we are lacking that is like our mind tricking us into think we have no butt. When we think we are lacking, we walk the world like our butts are missing. We hang our heads low, we hide, we search, we ask, we fear and worry.

We trick ourselves. We hypnotize ourselves into thinking we are lacking when everything is right there where it is supposed to be. All we have to do is to reach down and grab our gifts. They are right there waiting.

So the next time you find yourself lacking, remember the story of the lady who lost her butt. Think of her standing on stage, speaking into a microphone and asking, “Has anyone seen my butt?” That is exactly what you are doing when you are searching for your worthiness.

Don’t ever think you’ve lost your butt.

Your worthiness is firmly attached to you.

Now get out there and shake your booty!


The answer for yesterday’s post was number 9. Number 9 was the fiction.

Number 9 was a little bit true. The object was a tampon that flew across the cafeteria and hit someone in the head, but I ducked, covered, and ran before anyone knew I was the culprit. No one picked it up and handed it to me.

Don’t feel bad, my husband guessed the wrong one.

For those that guessed number  7, you were close. I could have worded that fact more clearly. I did review 100 men, but I reviewed the recordings they left, then I called a couple dozen back. So, if you guessed that number, you get a free pass.

Everything else was true. Including Patty Hearst and the swimsuit model. Thanks for participating. I had a great time reading your lists.

Day 94: Samtastico the Avenger’s Gobbledygook and Missing Slipstream Download

| Aspergers Girls

Sometimes I am an intense painter opening the art gallery doors to the crowds; only to observe the patrons scratching their heads in confusion at my masterpiece that I have come to slowly realize resembles an abstract of a close up donkey butt.

Free Wallpaper at fwallpapers.com/view/funny-donkey

Sometimes I am a self-inflated preschooler that longs to share hygiene facts, like the garlic cream I rubbed on my shoulder to try to erase these weird skin growths I’ve acquired since occupying the dark and humid northwest.

Sometimes I am an overloaded sponge of thoughts and images pounding my head in rapid procession into the pinewood computer table.

Sometimes I am a teary-eyed poet dripping my melancholic prose across the space called cyber.

Today I am Crazy Frog rocking out and longing to paint a donkey butt abstract.

Be Happy. Sing with Me, now!

By the end of this prose you will be one of the privileged few people in this universe that understands the title of this post. This understanding will gift you with undeniable powers to peruse through almost any of my other writings with a knowing nod of recognition and sympathy. Welcome to the Sam Zone!

One of my blogging pals, a cool male kindergarten teacher and natural poet, calls my writing Samtastic.  Sometimes. Well, at least twice. Now that I’m thinking about it, I’ve written ninety-four posts and he has only used that word two or three times. What is that percentage?

Regardless of the stats, the word Samtastic is part of the reason I contemplate changing my legal name to Sam. How cool to have the mantra: Samtastic. I’d add a letter O to the end though, to make the word pseudo-Italian. I dare you to say Samtastico without a smile and without moving your hands in gesture. Anyone craving calzones smothered in mozzarella besides me?

Those that have been reading my prose—aka: contemplative poetry, quirky tales, vivacious rambles, verbose lists—have likely heard mention of The Geek Posse. Well, they’ve been collaborating in a Samtastic way to assist me in reaching conclusions about my little life. Go team brain!

The collaboration is akin to having an extended coffee chat with a dear friend, laughing and crying hysterically together, and then sharing that mutual glow of having just solved all the world’s problems in one sitting! Only with the Geek Posse, the participant is just solo-me and select spheres of my brain.

With the help of the posse, I’ve recently realized (probably nine weeks later than my longtime faithful reader: aka George) that in the passing months, I inadvertently ventured into a warped time zone, and magnificently morphed into Asperger’s Woman: Avenger of all Things Aspie!

See my little cape? It’s red and blue starred with purple zigzags and lemon drops.

I’m finally coming out of a tailspin into Aspie Land and realizing my life is much more than Aspergers.

Amazing. I know!

This decreases my abstract donkey-butt longing from boil to simmer.

Sidetrack: Many Literary Advice Books ardently advice would-be authors to not use adverbs too often. But the combined ly letters intrigue me. The books also warn not to ramble, go off tangent, and use made up words. That’s why I burned all my writing manuals and used them as a source of heat when we had the three-day power outage during January’s snowstorm.

Back to the Geek Posse, two days ago, while fasting and listening to mantras, guru me had a wonderful series of images flash through my mind regarding my association with Aspergers. I call this experience of seeing images fly, flap, and belly flop across my mind: downloading. During downloading, I receive information, possibly from galactic powers, angels, or intelligent interactive bacteria. It’s quite a Jungian experience, liken to the collective unconscious slipstream propelling me forward in extremely vivid thought.

This time after downloading the information and reading the words to myself, I heard a very serious female voice, similar to Captain Kathryn Janeway from the Starfleet Starship USS Voyager.

Look What I Found! Totally Unrelated and Totally Awesome!

Sidetrack: How do I know Captain Janeway’s voice? Remember I married a science major, a euphemism for smart geek who likes all things Trek-like. Remember, too, I have Aspergers, so I was rather clueless about what a science major really meant beyond the periodic table. The same cluelessness I had about three boys equaling perpetual dirty area under toilet.

Awesomeness in Geek Format!

Sidetrack: I just looked up Fun Facts about the Periodic Table and there was nothing fun at all. Just a bunch of confusing questions, like: Which is the lightest element with an atomic symbol that is also a US state postal code? Really? That’s fun?

I also found Periodic Table Puns like:

What do you do to flowers? Platinum

What a doctor does to his patients – Cur ium, Hel ium, or Bari um

I’m still trying to decide if this means the doctor is giving a barium enema or burying them. One of my superpowers is the ability to crack myself up, and I guess also composing downloaded prose from beyond and hearing the voice of female space captain. Hmmm? And they let me teach children.

Tomorrow, I’ll read some more of those Periodic Table Fun Facts before I write, so I can be in a serious mood when I introduce the downloaded slipstream. For now, all the serious parts of me Argon. So be good until tomorrow. Because I’ve got my ion you! HeHe (2 isotopes of helium).

Samtastico Quiz. Pass or fail. If you can now understand the title of this post you pass. If not, at least you learned a barium joke!

I wonder if this person is one of my followers. That would make sense.

Day 89: Things I Sometimes Love

| Aspergers Girls

Things I Sometimes Love

Earplugs

If I stuff earplugs too far in they hurt and at night they squish and press against my ear and the pillow but they allow me to stay in the same bed with my husband.

***

Supplements

I could have gone on several cruise ship vacations for the same price I paid for my supplements but they keep me moving.

***

Clean Clothes

There is always a pile of laundry staring at me from the corner of the living room but usually no one in my family stinks.

***

Waking up my Youngest

He is sleeping so soundly, so soft and warm and cuddly, but after he wakes up he says cool stuff like: “Mom, guess what? I just peed, burped, and sneezed all at the same time!”

***

Lab Tests

They induce panic attacks and sleepless nights, and often lead to more supplements, but they provide vital information.

***

My Dog (Spastic Colon)

I often wake up to surprises she has left me in all forms but I  laugh when she eats my underwear and wags her tail so super fast her little butt shakes.

***

Documentaries

They make me over think and conjure up dread but knowledge is power.

***

Washington State

Yes, it rains and rains, and there are tons of spiders, but the greenery and scenery are  pure heaven.

***

My China Doll

I have had her since I was twelve and I think she is haunted with my spirit, so I am afraid to move her, get rid of her, or hide her in a dark closet, but she makes for interesting conversation.

***

Dark Organic Chocolate with Espresso Coffee Chips

Need I say more?

***

Tiny Black Ants

They are overtaking my kitchen but they also carry away crumbs.

***

My Little Brain

My brain barks, begs, and beckons to be heard but I live in a state of constant entertainment and fascination.

***

What are some things you sometimes love?

Day 85: You’ve Got a Friend in Me!

| Aspergers Girls
Photo found at http://endeavortodiscover.com/scienceportal.html

My friend that I have known for almost twenty years visited me this weekend from out-of-town. Here is a list of some of the things I learned about proper etiquette during our weekend together.

You’ve Got a Friend in Me

1. Don’t take your vegan friend to dinner at a seafood and steakhouse restaurant, even if the place has a very nice water view.

2. Don’t forget to put a hand towel in the guest bathroom for hand drying.

3. Don’t forget to buy a box of Kleenex, so you don’t have to hand your friend a roll of toilet paper when she is crying.

4. Don’t give your friend unsolicited advice about her relationship with her siblings, especially if you are an only child.

5. Don’t interrupt your friend in the middle of her serious talk by leaning across the dinner table, tugging gently on her long blonde hair, and saying, “You have such pretty hair! You look like Rapunzel.”

6. Don’t accept a wrapped present from your friend, examine the shape of the gift, and before unwrapping, proudly ask, “Is this a framed photo?”

7. Don’t interrupt your friend in the middle of a joke with the punch line, even if you are super excited that you figured out the end.

8. Don’t tell your friend that the guest bedroom gives you the creeps a little bit; she might have trouble sleeping in there.

9. Don’t tell your friend that the previous owner of the house you live in filled the guest bedroom with wall-to-wall china dolls, because your friend might insist you sleep in the guest room with her.

10. Don’t tell your friend you’ll sleep in the same bedroom as her to make her feel safe and then quietly tiptoe out when she falls asleep.

11. Don’t tell your friend your son sees the ghost of your dog in the guest bedroom and that you think it might be a portal to another universe; because your friend will opt to sleep on the couch, despite the new pillow and new sheets you bought for the guest bed.

12. Don’t lean in real close and ask your friend if she can see the small zit you feel growing on the tip of your nose.

13. Don’t read ten posts of your blog in a row at midnight to your friend, even if she is laughing hysterically.

14. Don’t ask your friend if she could please listen to one more blog post, after she has yawned and said she is falling asleep.

15. Don’t show videos that you posted on your blog as an alternative to reading more posts, your friend will become more tired and her eyes will begin to shut.

~ Love you “L.” You’ve got a friend in me!

 

 

Artist:Randy Newman & Lyle Lovett
Movie:Toy story

You’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got a friend in me
When the road looks rough ahead
And you’re miles and miles
From your nice warm bed
Just remember what your old pal said
Boy, you’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got troubles, well I’ve got ’em too
There isn’t anything I wouldn’t do for you
We stick together and we see it through

You’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got a friend in me

Some other folks might be
A little bit smarter than I am
Bigger and stronger too
Maybe
But none of them will ever love you the way I do
It’s me and you
And as the years go by
Boys, our friendship will never die
You’re gonna see
It’s our destiny
You’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got a friend in me
You’ve got a friend in me