This little girl who lives inside me was crying today.
And through the tears, I started punishing myself saying, “This is ego; don’t go feeling sorry for yourself.”
Until I remembered that by focusing on ego, I simultaneous give ego power!
One of the things weighing heavy on my mind is this chameleon presto-chango act I do.
As chameleon, I have perfected several degrees of metamorphosis. I do this by mimicking someone else (real), a character (tv), or the stereotypical characteristics of a specific role (detective/when I was 8).
I’m quite good at imitation; I can pretty much take on any role to perfection.
It’s like a hidden talent. A type of hidden talent that seems like it would come in handy, like double-agent-Jacquelyn-Smith-from-Charlie’s-Angels handy. But it doesn’t. It just pretty much sucks.
Case in point, when I first moved to the state of Washington, two and a half years ago, I meet a spiritual teacher I admired.
Bingo! Bingo! Bingo! Some part of my subconscious brain screamed, upon the acquaintance of this lady; and then, without telling me, some part of me set about to transform. Not to be her exactly. I mean I didn’t want to live in her house or steal her husband; that’s kind of loony, fatal-attraction-psycho-scary. But a piece of me did mean to clone her using my body. Hmmmmm.
In regards to this one woman, I learned how to mimic her voice, how to dress like her, and then studied to become a spiritual counselor, just like her! Surprise. Turns out I make a pretty good spiritual counselor. And, even after I tossed her persona out, I kept her cool, mellow voice. Bonus!
I think this self-discovery of self acting out a role that is not actually true self, has to be one of the oddest sensations known to mankind. And you can't really debate me, unless you've experienced this; and if you have experienced this taking on of roles without your conscious knowledge, then I am certain you would agree with me about the oddness factor, anyhow.
For all you non-chameleon types, the presto-chango experience is akin to being possessed by another life form or like being in a drunken spell for several months, and wondering what you did during those black out moments. Only you never black out completely, just a part of your awareness does. Maybe it's like waking up and finding out you have had a third hand for a few months but didn't even see it or know you were using it.
How, with my keen observation and analytical skills, I could not see my very own self doing something so obvious confuses me.
I imagine, beyond my ability to see, somewhere inside of me is a tug-of-war, where the participants are fighting: This way; be like her, be like her! No this way; be like her, be like that!
Which leads me to today.
Lately,I have been having a lot of spiritual experiences.
I am woken about three in the morning to vivid spiritual lessons. I am still half-asleep, but very aware that the lessons are occurring. But before I awake fully, most of everything is erased. Sometimes it’s poetry, other times images, sometimes Biblical verse. Also, I have been having powerful prose just pour out of me. And I have felt grand moments of serenity, peace, and healing. All of this is divine, in and of itself; the only trouble is that a part of me, that subconscious part, has been latching on to a new role; that of guru, or seer, or prophet, or even martyr. And it doesn’t help that my mom, who is always overly proud of me, bless her heart, is sending me links to saints!
And it all kind of sucks big time. Because that role of a seer, unlike suburban bimbo bunko player, is super serious and frankly no fun at all. And yes, I did the suburban bimbo bunko player part well, until I realized the acting had just about crushed the whole of me.
Oh, poo poo, crap, yuck-o!I so don’t want to drive down another road of roles again! “No way!” she exclaims. She being me, and flipping off ego, to boot.
To get sucked down the hairy drainpipe of yet another role will kill me. And this one role of the perfect seer is just too much.
I was already too serious (INFJ, Idealist, Cancerian, Only child, Aspie)…label Queen I be. How could I get more serious?
Crap! Where am I?
Damn it! (ahhhhhhh)
I’m tired of this role playing. I’m just plain tired. I’m turning in my costumes for good. I don’t care if the rest of me protests. I just can’t live anymore pretending. And if my brain won’t listen to me, then I’ll just have to take measures into my own hands.
Today was a step in the right direction. I figured out what I’d been doing, again. And then did something to symbolically stake my claim for change. I am happy. I am relieved. And I am excited… Unless, of course I am a seer channeling Shirley Temple and perfecting the role of a twelve-year-old, which is pretty darn possible.
And just to think two days ago, I was wondering if since I’ve been married and had kids, if I could still join a nunnery, and if my kids could live there, too, and my husband could have those special type of visits. I figured, likely not.
Here’s what I did today! So twelve and so loving it!
Hugs and big juicy kisses ~ Sam
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Everyday Asperger's 
First, LOVE Mumford and Sons. I used to do a lot of what you are describing when I was in my twenties, and late teens. I think though I was always aware of it. Mimicking my sister, on the other hand, drives me craaazy! I don’t want to do it, but my subconscious wants to do it, so I do it, and I dont realize it untill later. Oh! also, I think it’s important to keep the kid alive inside! WOOT WOOT!! I have a Barbie room, a ‘Car Bucks’ room (Cars and Starbucks) a fairy room, a tuscany room, and the rest is victorian’ish themed! My Husband indulges my inner kid! Nothin wrong with that!
Thank you for sharing. 🙂 and hugsssss
You are just too adorably cute and so my twin. It’s good spotting when we are mimicking innit. I love you just the way you are!
Basna…princess of the wood elves.
Smiling at you and loving the new doooooo.
Me. xoxoxo HUGSsssss
Hugs sweet sissy
I constantly mimic. I was actually bullied one particular year for imitating (mimicing) a girl and everyone apparantly was sick to death of it so no friends for a while (must be a rule!!!!) If I am spending alot of time at home it will be my 9 year old son or my 20 year old daughter. Their voice, movements,even the way they respond or talk to my husband is mimiced perfectly. Standing beside myself sort of aware but unable to change can embarrass me at times… my kids dont seem to mind but I stress that others notice when I am mimicing them. I once had a girlfriend whose walk I found facinating and I would walk behind her in the exact walk and sound she made as her feet hit the floor and this was when I was 16. I can still remember the feeling of walking behind her!
thank you for your comment and sharing. 🙂
You totally wonderful human being. Thanks for all the smiles and chortles. Egos tie themselves in knots, and then castigate themselves for ‘being ego’. You gotta love ’em. And ‘who the beep am I’ is probably the only question we ever really need to ask – only never accept any answer:)
thanks again, Harry 🙂
Gosh soul sister Sam, i don’t even have to say very much to let you know just how connected i feel to the way you talk about taking on roles and feeling so confused because it’s like you don’t know who you are. In the middle of reading, i got a feeling in my stomach that you really understand what it is like to struggle with taking on roles to such an intense degree that you literally get lost in them. You are such an amazing person, and no matter what role you play, i still know it’s you, because of the things i have learned about you through what you have written. About your experiences, I’m very humbled by how strong you are, and how far you can fall, yet are able to find your center again. Your like the Aspie woman role model i always want to be. Thank you so much
Love you always soul sister.
~Maya
Thank you, sweet, sweet Maya . Hugs
Be still and know that each of us is God incarnate. We are all divine; we are all perfect beings of light. You don’t sound lost at all, just tired and maybe a little confused. From my experiences, this means that interesting (good) things are coming soon, Sam.
I look forward to hearing about them.
Teddy
Thanks so much for this Ted 🙂
I do that too…but I have come to peace about it by thinking that some of it still IS me because if I was drawn to some of it and became some of it- it is still a version of my truth….albeit I know when I am getting too obsessed in a role and stop…but I am me today because of good influences and choices in mimicking…it’s how we learn I think…For instance I loved Oldies, so I sang like Judy Garland (my mom said to stop singing through my nose! but all my friends thought I sounded exactly like her) I copied my walk from Marilyn Monroe, my style as a teen from Audrey Hepburn ect…I guess most of the time I do not get too lost in the role though… I do get lost in obsessions…like once I was a “baker” I loved to bake and baked all these amazing things…that lasted about a year…and now everything I bake sucks and I have no desire to do so but I was once a baker. It confuses all of my family and friends because they say, “But you were an expert at that- why can’t you do it now.” They think I am just lying..but I’m not. I’ve been philosopher, historian, seer, decorator, singer, leader…the list goes on…but I do not see those as taking over me rather I see them as obsessions or outlets to keep me sane by allowing me to be an “expert” for awhile and be excited…and when it ends there is usually something else. It does get tiring…
I think where I can relate the most though- is accents. I am generally quite horrid at them but when someone talks differently- I start to mimic them in a very bad impression, and their tones and gestures. My hubby gets a tad embarrassed and reminds me that it looks like I am mocking, but I can’t help it…I hate that. Wish I could stop it.
I can get lost in roles and I do feel frustrated or silly after but the plus side is that I always have something interesting to take from it all. As my hubby said to me last night,”I can learn all I need to know about you and you will still surprise me- it’s never boring and I love watching how you live.” I try to focus on that:) You are an amazing person and these roles won’t last, but they will at least give you something:) For the last few years I have been obsessed with the music and characters of the broadway musical Wicked. I feel like I am Elphaba…but I know I am not her…I just relate a lot and can express myself through the character…sometimes it is nice to have that outlet…but other times I do feel what you experience too…that’s why we have our hubbies to ground us:)
Thank you for sharing all of this; very interesting. My baking role only lasts a month! Then I can’t cook for a good year much of anything. lol. Boy we lead interesting lives, don’t we. Hugs to another strong, perfectly-made woman.