466: I am what I am Becoming

I was going to title this post: Chocolate Gives me Hemorrhoids.

Then I laughed, as I logically made a streamline of comparisons about my love of chocolate and my love of community, and how, much like chocolate, community always leaves me with an uncomfortable, yet very bearable, consequence.

And I chuckled more, as I deciphered the numerous ways in which I still over-share and over-quauntify my thinking.

Divergent, I am. This is true. Definitely true. But far less true than I believed two years ago.

I woke up with a flash this early morning. My brain wanted to write a post, my body adamantly disapproved, and fortunately vetoed the whole reckoning, and forced us back into sweet slumber. Yet, before I fell back to sleep, a good hour of delightfulness (not), I kept hearing these words over and over: I am what I am becoming. I am becoming what I am.

It made a lot of sense at one in the morning. Not so much now.

Still, I gathered this little summary, from my mind, this afternoon:

“Identity is a pendulum. Each individual is grasping onto what he thinks he is and releasing what he no longer believes himself to be. Even as no one is what he seems, and all is as illusion, we give and take based on temporary boundaries set upon the image of โ€˜self.โ€™ In saying ‘I am what I am becoming,’ I recognize I am in state of constant transition, never stagnant, undergoing various degrees of transformation. In stating ‘I am becoming what I am,’ I am aware that I become those elements that I hold onto as truth.”

Indeed, the complexity of my mind carries on.

I have hesitated in regards to writing another post, as I had opted to give myself ample time off and away from the computer. I found myself being sucked into the online life, instead of attending to my very relevant and real existence outside the computer. In other words, I used technology to escape reality.

I did this escapism for about two years. I have no regrets. The journey was necessary, relevant, and fostered much growth. But I am done.

I thought I would soon be writing my last post. But I don’t think so, yet. I am not quite ready.

Since pulling myself off of the computer, I’ve made some dynamic shifts in my life.

Here’s a list. Because I love lists:

1. Recently, I have stopped going on social networks (Facebook), except briefly for one day a week. I might occasionally have a private chat with a friend there, but the rest I leave alone. This has been hugely freeing. I was spending a good four to five hours a day on Facebook, and though it felt necessary and even ‘good’ at the time, the energy I gave out and took in (from others) affected me greatly. Now with more time freed up, I find myself having as much energy for endeavors, outside of my home, as I did some nine years ago, when I would have easily been identified as a ‘social butterfly.’

2. I have adapted a bit of a ‘bitchiness’ to me. Likely because I am PMSing, but primarily because recently I allowed myself to get hurt one too many times. As a result, I felt the need to lather on a thicker coat around my aura. My husband reassured me this morning, without my probing, that yes, I was still overall very kind and loving to others. This came as a huge relief, because my little bit of bitch-waves feel like the titanic of disaster-moods. In actuality, I probably behave like most typical nice people now. I am just quick to say ‘no,’ set boundaries, self-talk the necessities of self-care, and make appropriate choices based on what is ‘best’ for me, not others! What a concept.

3. I jolted myself out of some dark place of self-wallowing and self-pitty; and to tell you the truth, when I observe similar behaviors in others now, I get kind of jaded and sick to my stomach. Like I want to barf and scream: Stop focusing on yourself! I feel I can do this because I have been there and done that. I’m surely not innocent. And I am not trying to judge, either. Just merely wanting others to find some inner peace and self-love. Somehow, likely through a series of letdowns and heartaches, I got a good look at myself. Somehow, the curtain to my current reality opened long enough to see that I was bleeding out with borderline narcissism. Yes, it was beneficial to spend some ‘cave’ time taking a good look at myself, my weaknesses, my strengths, my challenges, my hopes, my dreams, etc. But enough is enough! There finally came a day where I woke up and truly shouted out loud: ENOUGH! And you know what, I have barely had an Asperger’s trait since. Genius traits, yes. But stuff like looping, fixating, over-analyzing, worrying to extreme, and all that pain-in-the-butt nonsense, I just stopped. No pill. No magic. Just one word. Enough! And so it is, going on two weeks now, even as I enter the PMDD zone, that I adamantly refuse to drudge into the muck of self-pity, self-rejection, and agonizing fear. Like I said, I adapted a bit of bitchiness to get me through. But that too will pass. Ironically, it’s a nice change.

4. I have realized to a GREAT extent that I become what I focus on. It’s like my super power. I can become fantastically brilliant and fanatical at whatever I choose to spend time on. I can become so engrossed and impassioned with my endeavor and laser-focus that I pull others in with me. Case in point: this blog and my like-page, and the following. I reluctantly and without plan, became some sort of Aspergers super-hero. And I say this with no pride, whatsoever, but with a rather oh-my-fricken-godess sigh. Seriously? What was I thinking. Not that I don’t love people I have met and continue to meet along this journey. But the act of continually losing my self-identity and morphing into something brilliant I barely recognize as self has become quite the bother.

5. Recently, I became so much ME, I lost sight of the rest of the world. And I became so much ASPERGERS, I forgot who else I was or could feasibly be. I forgot that before I found out I had Aspergers I was highly-sucessful in social arenas. I forgot I liked going out. That I liked people. And that even though I was an introvert, I was what could be classified as an outgoing, very likable introvert. Somehow I convinced myself, in the past 24 months, that staying at home was a viable option of entertainment for the rest of my existence. I kind of became a Chicken Little, only the sky wasn’t falling, my whole life was.

I had five more things on this list and accidentally deleted them all; which is likely for the best, for the bitch in me was taking over a wee bit more than I am comfortable with. I will end this post with a brief list (yes, another list) of what I have done for myself in the past 12 days.

1. Joined several social groups in the area including spiritual groups, socializing gaming groups, jazz and music groups, movie groups. I schedule an event and then go meet an entire group of strangers. It’s so fricken scary and fabulous, all at once. And I am enjoying myself without the post-game evaluation of am I good enough and did I say and act the ‘right’ way. I don’t go there anymore.

2. I have started to practice my guitar more often and continue to take lessons.

3. I have rented dvds on Buddhism, set up a prayer table in my room, hung up cool white lights in my room, and have been reading books that aren’t in my typical genre. One currently is a humorous non-fiction book about a womanizing drunk.

4. I have given up gluten and try to eat very little white sugar. Though my intense moments of chocolate indulgences continue to surface; thusly I sit less.

5. I have bought myself some new hats and sweaters and boots. Nothing spiritual or ah-ha about that, but still fun.

6. I have made a set schedule so everyday I know what’s ahead. For example on Mondays I go to a quaint cafe and have the freshly made soup and salad and read and I walk three miles around the lake. On Thursdays I go to a coffee shop and go online with my laptop. On Fridays I make dates with friends and I go to the mall and play Netrunner with a lot of introverts. I am taking myself to see movies, too.

7. I try to walk five days a week 1.5 to 3 miles. Something I am ever so thankful I can do.

8. I am listening to my mediation and positive affirmation cds more frequently. Visiting the library to attain uplifting music; lately I’ve enjoyed Mozart. It’s a nice break from love songs that currently make me either gag or cry.

9. Tonight I am going to a poetry reading and bringing some of my poetry to maybe share. Tomorrow I go to a cafe that is having their monthly gathering on the planets’ alignments. I have tickets to many performing arts events, some with friends, some with my spouse, and some with strangers!

10. I have on my calendar to check out the weekly mediation at the Buddhist center and to join a community group, such as Rotary, soon.

The way I see it is: if I keep my interest varied enough, and nothing consumes me, I won’t morph or attach into any one genre, event, or way of being.

Until next time. Wishing you the best in all you are becoming!

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22 thoughts on “466: I am what I am Becoming

  1. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, I identify with a lot of it… the feelings of ‘enough’, the whole setting boundaries vs being nice confusion, the freedom of staying off and away from social media, getting lost in being ‘something,’ and then finally getting ‘unlost’ and confusing people… expect, it’s never completely unlost… it’s more just another morph into another dimension of me.
    I’ve been thinking ‘is it possible to actually incorporate and blend some of my juxtaposing dimensions?’ I don’t know yet.

    And also sharing too much or too little or later wishing I did or didn’t share… much easier in real life talking to a real person though. ๐Ÿ™‚

  2. Wow. This is great, Sam. I have been mulling some of these things over myself as of late. I’m afraid to share and as part of me opening up and learning to accept myself more and give myself a voice which I’ve been very, very guarded with for a long time because, I have been hurt. My therapist thinks this is all good, but sometimes it feels far too painful. Anyway, your post today is giving me a lot to think about. I too, over-share and sometimes don’t realize it until after it’s happened and that raw vulnerable feeling creeps in. Thank you for sharing this.

  3. I often wonder if you present to your family esp. your husband the whirlwind persona as appears here. I can see that while you could be wildly entertaining you could also be wildly frustrating. How does he deal with things

    1. I am actually very calm in nature, as is my husband. I am fairly level-headed and often serene. He is a patient man and very understanding. We have open honest communication. My personas come out more in emotions, thoughts, and writing then in actions. Good question. I am not wildly entertaining. I present as shy, curious, giddy, and generally very optimistic and hopeful.

      1. Yes I should have known that. Well, there is no doubt in my mind that you are an artist in the very highest sense of the word, your writing your art, your correspondent’s your audience and indeed your co-collaborators in the endeavour. All the best to you – and your husband.

  4. “The way I see it is: if I keep my interest varied enough, and nothing consumes me, I wonโ€™t morph or attach into any one genre, event, or way of being.” Sounds like a good plan.
    Holding you in my prayers and loving you as you grow.
    Great post my precious friend. Love you. HUGSsss

  5. This is SUPER great Sam! I see you are enjoying your life…we CREATE what we focus on..that’s why it is sunny in California..yes, that is my fault! LOL / By the way, seriously, how long does it take you to walk 3 miles?? ๐Ÿ™‚

  6. It’s hard to change your habits even when you identify that they are conflicting with your needs for a healthy and fulfilling life — I know because I’m spending far too much time online when I ought to be doing something more important such as spending time with my wife.

    So, much credit to you for taking these steps: you have shown strength and I hope you avoid getting stuck in any ruts. Much love and hugs. x

  7. I’ve been a happy girl most of my life. Now’s part of the most, but before I had times of hurt. Summer 09 to the first day of spring 2011 was an upset stretch, but I’ve been clear of that, other than brief times since then. I’m usually hopeful.

  8. I came across this post of yours after doing a google search to find where an exact passage is in the bible. The saying “I am what I am becoming” is a loose translation from the bible in regards to god describing who/what they are. Maybe check it out? Love your post. Very good read. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and rambles. I love your authenticity.

    Here’s some info on what I was speaking about.
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/I_Am_that_I_Am

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