Day 408: Love, Judge, and Invisible Need

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I judge when I think another does not ‘see’ me. I am learning to replace my judgment by thinking: “She did understand me; she did see me; she saw exactly what she chose to see.”

When someone says: “Don’t judge me,” they are being contradictory, almost hypocritical, if the negative aspects are removed from the word. For in order to claim someone is judging another, the accuser must first have judged.

To evaluate and categorize another is to judge. To decide another’s behavior is to judge. To place one’s truths on another is to judge. To say my god is the right God is to judge. To say I know a truth is to judge. Whenever a mark is made, a claim, a stake put into the earth, one becomes judger and the other judged. There is no way around this. The judger of the judging is equal to the one accused.

I am releasing my need to judge anything and anyone, and any event. I find only discomfort now in judging. And even more displeasure in defending or clarifying a feasible ‘truth.’ Clarification, unless sought after by a seeker, to me, now feels like a fear-based approach. As if I am saying, “Wait, that’s not what I mean. Please see me so you are not angry and so you will not misinterpret me.”

Now I see. I see this and I laugh.

It’s silliness in the making.

I find myself stumbling from time to time—a toddler learning to walk in all her sweetness.

Whenever I feel discomfort in my body and mind, the pain is non-explicit in its coming. Meaning there isn’t one thing or one someone who brings the pain. It is me. I am the source. Always the source. I see this clearly, and can laugh now at my own accuser: SELF.

I can accept the gift of another’s words or I can say thank you, but no thanks: Keep your gift for yourself. Not needed here.

Prior to this spring, I wanted to be understood because I longed to be seen and loved. Now that I know I am love, I am loved, and I love, the need-base has shifted.

Where I longed to be understood (loved) before. Now I long to be seen as love. But in longing to be seen as love, I recognize a desire. For there is no purpose in wanting, except to try to erase the illusion of loneliness.

I have moved beyond the need for validation, praise, and being ‘enough’ in someone else’s eyes. Usually–that is. In my harder moments of pain, I want nothing but to be held and comforted, reminded of my beauty.

However, it is in my pain now that I celebrate my ability to be human. My ability to transition into deeper wisdom. I see all as a gift. No goods and no bads. The world doesn’t hurt once the bad is removed. Even through the times of extreme anguish, an observer steps back and applauds the journey, the courage, the ever-full heart of love and praise of love.

What I still desire is for another to say: “I see you in your fullness and beauty and light. That is all I see.”

I want to be seen through eyes of love.

Which ultimately means I wish others to heal to a level where they love themselves unconditionally, and in doing so, love others the same. I have grown tired of assumptions, and guesses, and conclusions others reach about me. It’s really a waste of energy.

But I see the confusion of some—how they think they love me or another unconditionally, when in fact there are huge needs attached. (Outcome based needs. Wanting someone to be a certain way. Loving because of qualities or features, instead of loving for no reason but to love.)

I only want to be loved because I am a reflection of the good in another. That’s the only love that feels real. The only love I can feel.

In seeing this, the fact that attachment to outcome or desire implies a degree of false love and the absence of unconditional love, then I realize my very own need to be seen through the eyes of another as love is conditional, and in that way false-love. And so I practice release of even the desire to be seen as love.

I know the more I release the more I feel the love of the ALL and in this I am free.

Still the joy of being seen beyond judgment, deciphering, classifying, guesses, fingering, figuring, and dissecting is pure brilliance. And when I cross paths with a friend or another who loves this way, who loves purely, the healing is phenomenal.

I recognize the light in you, so many say, but do they really?

I want my voice to be a healing vibration of love and nothing else. Yet, when I open my mouth, or type on a screen, I am faced with the reality of others’ interpretation. The only remedy is not to speak. And here I am thinking might be where I am headed.

The more I speak or write, the more I hurt. MY soul knows no one can hear me unless he or she wants to hear me; and those that don’t hear, will turn me into any fantasy they choose. And thusly, I am writing for the few that will see me; the ones able to move beyond the judgment and analysis and pondering. The rest who don’t love unconditionally, will judge me.

And to me, this is my sacrifice for love: To be judged over and over, and made into someone I am not.

Someday I will give up this sacrifice and give up the thought of sacrifice, and just be at peace. I will be that person who barely speaks unless approached by genuine seeker. For I no longer desire to speak a truth to people who are not hearing my truth. And it seems entirely silly to profess an ever-changing truth to an ever-shifting audience. I am wondering too, as I write, if that my main suffering is of the separation, the falselove, the falsehood, the fear.

It is the separation that hurts.

I grow weary of being placed into another’s expectations. Of being made to fit another’s comfort zone. I am comfort; I am love; I am freedom; and if another cannot see that, they do not see me.

I see them. I see them as love. Beyond the fear, I see only love.

I have absolutely no desire to prove a point or to debate or to establish a truth. And the strongest desire, I cannot disrobe, is the want of others to do the same. To enter with me in the space of no doubt, no fear, no cause.

I don’t even forgive anymore, because I don’t ever get to the point of anger or resentment in which I need to forgive. The anger can’t slip in long enough for me to make up lies about another. If anger comes again another day, I shall dismiss it. And if I let it linger, then I shall forgive all readily. I also don’t judge myself. If I did, I would naturally judge others. If one judges self, he undoubtedly applies this to all.

I don’t even give the benefit of the doubt to people, because I don’t doubt people. To doubt is to judge and to deem unworthy or not enough to some degree. And that is all based on the past and interpretations.

Still, as of late, I get this awful sensation from many people that I am being probed and needled, hooked upon and latched onto with their microscopic lenses to find my potential fault or meaning or wrongdoings. I get the feeling sometimes that others are searching for the ugliness in me to justify that they are better or to justify their own ugliness that they believe exists.

This makes me wonder why.

If I write with no intention but to share my truth and to love (without want of fame, recognition, love, attention, debate, profit, etc.) and only with the ‘want’ of understanding self fuller, so I can be a more loving and giving being, then what about my truth is there to dissect?

And isn’t it the most fearful who would fear my love and proclaim their truth as only truth?

Why do people want to make me into something?

I desire to be more invisible than visible now. I long to just hold you from where I am, speechless, the words all erased. And if I am selfish, it is in my desire to have someone do the same—to just love for the love we are.

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11 thoughts on “Day 408: Love, Judge, and Invisible Need

  1. Nicely said. I believe we see in others what is in ourselves. Thus if we see harshness or fear it is because that is what we’re experiencing. Everyone is a mirror for our projections until we can drop our projections and simply witness the other person as they truly are. If I am filled with light and love then I will naturally give that out to others and they will respond to that based on where they are in their own understanding of things.

    Namaste

    1. Namaste. 🙂 I believe at this moment I see light and love and the illusion of fear… and I believe I am light and love with moments in illusion of fear. When even the illusion of fear is erased, I shall only see light and love… If this happens, so be it, and if not so be it. I enjoy your words and lovely being. xo

  2. While this is very true..perhaps you are not feeling others looking for failure but waiting to relate? We WILL respond based on our understanding of things but that is the beauty of flawed humanity. At the same time I think each of us is capable of stepping outside that box. Some have a very different experience of life right now – unprotected in their homes, being beaten or abused and while they can have the same attitude it is hard to encompass that peace. It is a privileged stance to have peace in one sense- but like you said and in the words of Viktor Frankl when he wrote “Man’s search for meaning” those in the holocaust survived more when they had that spirit of peace in horrid surroundings…but they still hurt and could be hurt…I think it can be BOTH at the same time? You know? Does that make sense:) Maybe not… We don’t have to walk out our door everyday if we don’t want to, we can stay in the safety of a few people and our computer screens if necessary, and we can come home to wonderful beauty in North America in many cases without the risk…so it is kind of a first world privilege to feel this peace. It’s beautiful and I am glad you are enjoying it:) I have enjoyed hearing your awareness and pleasure. On some things I can not quite relate but that is okay too. I don’t think I am wrong to not relate nor you are wrong to be what I relate to… I just scored super high on a Bipolar test ( like I need that on top of the other stuff- LOL:) and no matter how much i am love…which I believe I am…my brain is not switching to content happy. It refuses to without medication…even if I do all the mindsets that are conducive to that. For me it has been super hard in that regard because I felt I embodied love and to have some more moods thrown in is interesting…All that to say that I don’t think I am judging you or staying silent because I am judging you…I am simply busy in my own journey or finding joy just by reading even if I dont relate it back to my life. I think explaining in this case is not self defence but instead self awareness and an urgency to love by telling my story too:) But like your point we all take it from a place where we are…yet we have the capability to be aware of both sides because of the fabulous brains and heart we have been given. 🙂 I’m optimistic anyway:)

    1. Mrs. Brainiac! New dx….man oh man… I can only imagine. Hope it brings some more clarity to you. I see all your points very well, and many I have considered at length. I love that book, have read it twice, one of my favorite authors and people. I am getting to the point where I really don’t want to share or talk lol, as I really don’t have an opinion other than we each have our own truth. 🙂 and even that is slipping away. and what I write one day, I don’t hold onto the next. You don’t sound defensive to me… just saying what this brought up for you. I think what is brought up in us by another is a lesson in itself, especially if attachment or emotion is sprung connected to the thing stated. 🙂 I can’t say I agree or disagree with anything you wrote, but can say it is extremely insightful and clever! hugs and love.

  3. Dear Sam, you mention the sacrifice of writing and being judged, and this is a reality indeed. But for each reader, if one is really interested in growth, they will eventually understand, and one sacrifice will fall away, perhaps replaced by another if the door remains open.
    These words you write are like a Mantra, the more one reads about release of need of recognition, the more one feels and understands the concept and the easier it becomes to achieve a higher feeling of Love for others. It is like learning a new language, it may require study and frustration, and misunderstanding at first, but in the end, it becomes a ‘thinking’ language, may not need to be spoken any longer, because it is a happening.

  4. Every person is an interpretation, especially ‘me’. When there is awareness of this simple fact all the games, the drama, can be simply enjoyed for what it is, and not taken personally, as the person has no separate reality. The perceived world is built out of mind, out of thought, and I am the awareness of all this. So much nuttiness:)

    1. I see this, what you have mentioned, as releasing the last illusions of fear: the illusion of separation, of games, of drama. Once fear is eradicated or more so never was (as illusion) the drama and games won’t even appear, only peace. I can see this, and feel it in me; with each post I write more of the illusion is peeled back. And I recognize I have labeled it fear, and in that way made it real, any label makes something real. I understand the separation of the word, I, and me, and I want, and look at me. I believe I understand more than I can verbalize at this point, but let the illusion speak to heal this we through the mist. I am not even me when I am writing… the I of we or all, is somewhere else, and I allow the I-ness to step in and teach this “I.” And yes, the nuttiness is always a giggly point for me :)))

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