Day Thirty-Six: Sea Turtle Style

 

I’m once again on the verge of tears. Which, for me, isn’t that unusual. Though, in totality, I’ve likely cried 100 times more in these last two months than in the last few years. I’m upset and have gnawing-tummy pain.

The feeling stems from having had just left another message for the Dean of the College of Education at the university I am (I was?) attending. I’ve yet to be withdrawn from the class, even though I have decided to stop my course work. This leaves me in an unsettling position, without closure, and without finality. I’m an INFJ on the Myers Briggs test and an Idealist. What these personality traits boil down to is that I need !fricken! closure.

I’m so nervous inside. I’ve been waiting for the Dean’s phone call for over ten days. I was very social-rule-conscious about not calling her too much, after I received a slap in my self-esteem from one professor who told me my two (count them: two) emails stretched over the time of one week—seven days apart—we’re too frequent and urgent. ?? As loony as I think the professor’s judgment was, no matter, I’m hyper-sensitive about contacting anyone at the university.

I’m thinking it’s getting to the point that I ought to share what’s going on with you, only there’s a little part of me, probably Sir Brain, (as he is the push-over, and the token naïveté of my geek posse), who wants to not burn any bridges, not lay blame, and not rouse attention to the situation. LV is secretly hoping that we might attend a summer session at the university. Little Me, I’d like to magically transform into a sea turtle and swim off the coast of Maui.

No such luck.

I struggle with what I can share, what action constitutes grounds for taking care of myself and sharing MY story, and what is best kept in private. The dilemma in what to write in this blog all comes down to my tendency to over-share, and then eventually regret what came out. The hard part is not knowing if this Dean is going to be another authority-figure whose actions I interpret as inconsiderate, non-empathetic, and downright mean. I’m worried she won’t call, yet again, or that when she does call, I’ll be heartbroken. If you see two posts today, in your email inbox, consider me heartbroken.

I’m hoping for one post. I’m hoping the Dean’s call will be productive and positive. But in order to get my tuition back, I have to file a complaint. Or I could walk away silently (without expressing my concerns), withdraw, and be out the money.

Speaking my truth means putting other people in a bad light—which I dislike with a passion. I’ve always had a hard time disliking people, even people who might be considered as having done me wrong. I have trouble with understanding hate and retaliation. I understand extreme disappointment, agonizing humiliation, anger for circumstances, embarrassment, grief, and a host of other not-so-comfy emotions, but I don’t understand vengeance. If I had a little dab of vengeance in me, I figure I’d probably not have much trouble hanging out the truth of the situation.

Once, when I had to be a witness to a man standing trial, I couldn’t muster up any anger. Instead I felt sorry for him: the potential loss of his business, his embarrassment. And he was a man being accused by six women for misconduct, me being one of the victims. Still, I couldn’t feel anything but deep sadness for everyone involved.

I don’t consider this inability to have vengeful feelings a negative aspect of myself; I wish though, at times like these, I carried more of a warrior quality, and less of a wounded healer spirit.

Sometimes people say to let go, relax, give your worries to a higher power, take life day-by-day; sometimes I say those words to myself. The challenge is in having this brain. As I’ve shared, LV just doesn’t work like that. I choose not to medicate myself. I choose not to drink myself to oblivion. I choose not to partake in illegal substances. My body is too sensitive for most mainstream fixes. I can’t even have chocolate without zits or a full glass of wine without gastric pains.

I’ve tried (and still partake) in many alternative treatment plans—from acupuncture to supplements. Still, LV is always about. What works best for my mind (and body and spirit) is a good hot shower, keeping up with the house cleaning, exercise, yoga, sauna treatments, spiritual readings, solitude, uplifting music, healthy eating, getting out of the house and writing—those actions keep me running efficiently, without as much thought-clutter.

Only problem is, with university loose ends hanging over my head, I’ve had the motivation of a slug.

My husband is even worried. Which is stating a lot. He is that Spock-like type from Star Trek who deals with emotions about as often as I deal with revenge. For him to come out and tell me that he’s concerned about me, is saying something fairly vital.

So, as I’ve today, I’ve given myself a few ground rules. I know by putting the words in written form, smack in front of my face (and yours), I’ll hold myself accountable.

To Do:

  1. Start writing no sooner than 9:00 am.
  2. To do absolutely before I write: shower, morning chores, green-tea (shower and tea cuts down on physical pain)
  3. Check blog once in morning and once in evening, only.
  4. Partake in at least one of these each day: sauna, yoga, walk, or swimming.
  5. Take pool aerobics at least once a week. (Be a sea turtle!)
  6. Read spiritual books once a day.
  7. Call someone other than husband a few times a week.
  8. Partake in what I enjoyed before my diagnosis: coffee shop, second-hand stores, nature walks, educational classes, matinée, etc.
  9. Re-explore all the writings I scribed as a spiritual counselor.
  10. Be present and avoid sugar.

Right at the time I wrote number seven, one of my very best buddies called me from California, and she is booking a flight for a visit with me in April! I love how the universe works. Going to follow my rule number three right now. Look forward to touching base soon. Time to crawl out of my shell and face the world again—sea turtle style.

Sea Otter Taken on a Recent Boat Trip
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12 thoughts on “Day Thirty-Six: Sea Turtle Style

  1. I am an INTJ or used to be. Could be an INJ according to a second test. I can trick any test into saying what I want it to say, I just have to decide what I want to be that day.

    Another patient shot and killed my ex-psychiatrist (a woman of course). Yes, closure is nice.

    Dianne

    1. So sorry to hear about the shooting. How very tragic. I liked your comment about being able to trick any test, and that you just have to decide what you want to be that day. Thanks for commenting and stopping by. Love Sam.

  2. I am enjoying your series of posts. I love how you are so in touch with your day-to-day and moment-to-moment thoughts. I can relate to that and I love your plan to get back on track. Best of luck to you with the Dean situation. –Joy

  3. Sorry to hear you feeling this way. Hope you manage to find a way to make closure in some way or another. Lucille

    1. Thanks Lucille. My computer is acting wacky; I haven’t been able to visit many peoples’ blogs without having to go on my sons’ computer. Hope to catch up with your blog tomorrow. Love, Sam 😉

  4. You have my care and concern. I am a veteran at dropping out of school. I still have nightmares about missing drop dates and not getting signatures.

    It’s lousy to wait on a phonecall. It is agonizing to wait a week for a vital phonecall. I hope you hear back soon.

    It’s good that you have found some positive ways to cope. Especially returning to some of your favorites before diagnosis. Although I do take meds (OCD), I think it is vital to keep your body in balance as naturally as possible.

    Best Wishes!
    Lori

    1. I’m breaking my own rule, as I’m not supposed to be on my blog right now, but I’m really not…I’m reading others’ blogs and your comment came through. Thank you very much for your comment. It’s nice to hear about your experience. And just so I’m being clear, I support medications when needed. I’ve been on some in the past for depression after pregnancy and pain management. Yes, it is vital to keep the body in balance. Thanks again. Much love ~ Sam 🙂

  5. Sam: I feel for you—you are obviously under a lot of stress. I think you have an excellent “to-do” list; I would try to follow it as much as possible—you need to engage in renewal activities like these to help maintain order and “sanity” during tough times like these. I wish you the best! —George

    1. Thanks George. I’ve been escaping through humor in my last few posts, as I have a stressful meeting with the Dean of Ed. Monday. Blahhh! I’ve done okay thus far with the list. Could do much better! As always, thanks for the comment. You are very kind. 🙂 Sam

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