409: Unconditional and Conditional Love

( I am writing more because a lot is going on with our extended family. I process to find relief. If you don’t see me around for a bit, I might take a break. Hugs and love ~ Sam)

I have had the opportunity to experience a variety of friendships. In so doing, I have learned a lot about myself and love. For the majority of my life I felt a false-love from others and gave out false-love. Even though I felt the false-love, I didn’t recognize the falsehood for what it was. I was an active participant in the illusion. Most of these friendships were based on need. This desire was masked as possible fulfillment and completion. I know now no one can complete me.

I still hold all of these people in love and light. All of my friends continue to be some of my greatest teachers. I don’t choose to see any wrong in where I have traveled, and hold no one in my life responsible, not even my self. I have forgiven me and all. I place no judgment on any of my past or current friends either. I see them as lovely lights and filled with goodness. I don’t see them based on their actions but based on their hearts.

I was a player in the game of false-love, particularly in relation to men. Most of this telling is based on reflecting back to my behavior in pre-marriage years. I think if I had read what I have written below in my twenties, I never would have seen the ‘truth’ of it, and gone on living in denial. Maybe I even would have been spiteful and angry. I think if I had read this prose in my thirties, I would have thought I already loved unconditionally, and this was a waste of my time. I would have thought the person was preaching or trying to teach what I knew. If I read this last month, I would have thought, interesting, but I know this already. But it wasn’t clear to me until recently. Dynamically clear.

For now when someone claims to love me with a conditional type of love, I don’t feel love from them. I don’t know why, but all falsehoods affect me to a great degree. I don’t even know how I see this false-love, but I do. That’s not to say that people who proclaim to love me don’t love me. I believe they do. I believe a part of them does. But I believe a greater part is in constant battle with an unmasked, unnamed, and unforgiving fear. I believe this fear constantly transforms who I am when interpreted by another. I become what another projects from fear. In rare cases I become the light of love. This, and only this, is when fear is eradicated from its shell of illusion.

There is a struggle for people to find love and claim love, because they haven’t yet found the love inside themselves.

This false-love scares me momentarily, until I dismiss the fear.

It scares me because when another feels the illusion of fear, I feel the separation.

I have those in my life now that love me unconditionally. There is much freedom in this, to be me and be loved for me. I am not loved based on my outcomes or what I do or do not do. But even I, in my relationships with others, slip back into conditional love; this is very evident in my marriage and with my children. I continue to release judgment on self and others, and to learn. I am fortunate to have such experiences available.

When I am loved unconditionally I feel fed and nurtured. When I am loved by someone with conditions, I feel caged and judged. I am learning to not feel caged and judged, and to see this as illusion too, but it is taking some practice.

Lately, I am becoming more of a projection of what another choses to see in me. I can feel this in my depths. I become what another believes he or she sees. I become, in essence what they hold within. I have heard of this happening to other people, as well. So I am not alone in this experience. It is interesting to watch as I transform based on another’s deep level. I do not at this time think I am choosing to still see “fear.” I recognize the beauty and light in all, and see the fear only as illusion, nothing more. I can’t see beyond the beauty into fear, because there is no fear at the foundation.

I know I am still learning and growing.

I no longer choose to buy into another’s pain; especially when their pain is projected onto me, as if I did something or didn’t do something to cause the hurt. I do not have the power to knock down or to build up a person. Only source and a person’s own self can affect the spirit. I do have the power to love, and in this love to bring wholeness to self. Everyone has a choice to accept what he or she thinks I am saying or to reject it. To take in what he or she interprets as my truth or to decline. To say thank you and receive or say thank you, but no thanks. In this way, ultimately it is the receiver’s choice to determine what he or she takes in. I choose to take in all as truth and none as truth. I choose not to pick and choose. Unless someone is speaking from a place of fear, then I typically, when aware, politely decline. I prefer not to take on another’s fear-projection.

I believe there are only two roots: Love or Fear. All truth grows from there. Take a fruit off of the branch and examine it for what the fruit is. Rotten equals Fear. Ripe equals Love. One can tell much from the end product. Take the final outcome and drive backwards to the root. Where there is pain, there was fear to begin with manifested in false-love—illusion. Where there is mutual healing, there is love—the only existence.

Again this is my temporary truth.

My personal interpretation that assists me:

What true friendship is: Unconditional love.

What unconditional love is: Love without want, need, perimeters and/or expectations.

What want and needs are: Self-based, ego-centered desires that one thinks will make him or her happy. Also known as illusions and/or the path to suffering.

What perimeters are: Rigidness and separation; the judge emerging to decide if another has been deemed sufficient in their actions.

What unconditional loving friendship isn’t: All relations not based on unconditional love; in other words, all relations based on conditional, false-love, aka fear.

What unconditional love is not: False-love, also known as fear.

What fear is: An illusion often manifested in various actions and/or emotions that aren’t stemmed from love.

All false-love breeds fear and pain; all true love breeds more love. This true love can lead to spontaneous awakening and healing.

When one does not feel unconditional love, either the giver is loving with false-love or the receiver is misinterpreting the gift of genuine love.

This is not love: Expectations, martyrdom, fear-based desire, giving to receive, condition based giving, imagined selfless-giving, self-projection, owning, self-based desire, deeming one special or above the rest, caring more about self than other or caring more about other than self, blame, self-loathing in the name of love, fearing the future, needs based on outcome.

In love there is no hurt. All pain is self-inflicted.

Indicators of false-love:

Look at what a giving, loving, caring person I am, why can’t you love me like I love you?

I sacrifice for you, why can’t you sacrifice for me?

I am not good enough to be your friend.

You aren’t enough.

You should do this…

You disappointed me.

You won’t/don’t love me.

If you loved me, you would….

If you do this it will all be better.

You are the best person in the world.

You are hurting me.

People can have a mutual loving relationship based on unconditional love with moments of neediness and pain; unconditional love can fluctuate just like the seasons. No one is expected to be a perfect anything. Especially not a perfect lover or perfect friend. To suggest so, would be automatic judgment and separation. However healing happens when one starts to recognize his or her actions based on fear. Then self-healing can begin to take place in the one. After the one self has begun the healing process, the other in the friendship, noting the changes in his/her friend, will either continue in a state of fear, fight the change before also seeking self-understanding, or naturally seek out the friendship to heal in a way reflected in the healed or healing friend. In this way conditional love can bring both parties to pure love based on unconditional love.

If both partners are not ready, strong, and compassionate about growth and self-awareness, blame and jealousy quickly arises and the friendship may end. Yet, being this was a friendship based on false-love the illusion is what ends, not the friendship. This enables both to be free. One to go on to further unconditional love and the other to decide to remain in denial, suffering, and repeated pain or to seek out self-love. No one is right or wrong, better or worse; they are where they are.

In some cases someone who has learned self-love will be in a friendship with someone with conditional-based love. In this instant the person who continues to love unconditionally, despite the other’s projections, demands, and needs, can reflect back the ideal form of love and in this way transform the other trapped in a pain cycle.

True love heals when one capable of unconditional love simply is.

Again my temporary truth.

Strong indicators of conditional false-love:

No desire to celebrate a friend’s successes.

Not wanting to share the friendship with anyone else.

Thinking you are the best and/or only person for that person.

Changing actions or making decisions in an attempt to gain attention.

Obsessing about the person.

Thinking you are responsible for a friend’s growth, success, triumph, or accomplishments.

Thinking you are a person’s savior, teacher, protector, or safety.

Giving self-credit for another’s joy.

Thinking you have the answers another seeks and needs.

Thinking you were used, abused, or mistreated.

Jealousy of other people in the friend’s life.

Judging and putting down a friend’s friends.

Evaluating a friend’s choices, behaviors, mannerisms, and way of being.

Feeling the need to set a friend straight, so he can see your way.

Secretly or overtly harboring feelings of hurt and a sense of abandonment about the relationship.

Talking to someone about a friendship using harmful words about the friend.

How friendship appears:

A reflection of the love a person holds about his or her inner self.

What unconditional love-based friendship feels like:
Coming Home

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30 thoughts on “409: Unconditional and Conditional Love

  1. Great post…you know what is funny? You nailed the 30’s thing…I am just going into my thirties this year and have felt that shift to “yup I love unconditionally. Next.” Funny:)!!!! Deep down I know there are some flaws in my theory but screw it- I’m in my 30’s after all:) I can keep my delusions right?:) LOL. But it is interesting to watch all the ages and journeys and I wonder how much of this will reflect me in a few years. I guess there is some stuff to look forward to after all:) Anyway, thanks for sharing.

    1. lol…keep your delusions as long as you want. You make me smile. Your humor is so pleasing and witty. Joy is grand, especially when we can laugh at our selves. I know I will see things differently soon, likely by tomorrow. lol. Peace and love to you xo

      1. LOVE AND FALSE LOVE: My wife of 35 is an Aspie. Since the great problem of Aspies is inability to communicate properly with other people, it should not surprise me now that after 12 years of marriage, we only had TWO short serious conversations, both of which were very hard for her, and BOTH of which she denied having, only a day later. That is clearly denial …. the feeling that she must hide from the truth, and even lie about it.
        In one chat, 3 years ago, she told me about a little girl of 5 when my wife was also 5. The little girl asked to be my wife’s friend and was accepted. Next day the little girl was savagely rejected, because my wife had been told by her grandfather NEVER to have a close friend. (Maybe he was the gene-carrier?)
        The second chat was at age 33, after 10 years marriage, when my wife finally agreed she had no idea what LOVE meant, and had never had any such feeling. She never understood the word “handsome”, good-looking” in any male or female, and all her previous claims were faked.
        This is why so many Aspie women find it hard to bond to kids, or husbands, and have no friends. The difficulty or having serious chats, the idea of denial and lack of love-feelings needs to be understood by everybody in the family, when the time is right. This also explains why it is easier to go into hatred and anger-melt-downs. Yes, it is burden to carry, but we can learn and live with it., andygudgy@gmail.com

    2. Hi Andy, I think in reading your comments, that you have a well-intentioned heart and a passion for helping your family. I am sorry for your struggles and can see clearly how hard you are trying to assist and spread your wisdom. Please consider the fact that I have ASD and so do 100s of people I know. Each is a unique individual; none of us the same. Some have emotional problems that are extreme, others do not. Some are well on their way to a very “healthy” life. I don’t have the same challenges as your wife has, or what you share of your circumstance. I don’t recognize myself in her. Still I thank you for sharing and wish you the very best. Light and love ~ Sam (I have so many serious chats it drives my husband bonkers!—the opposite of what you experience, I suppose.)

  2. I don’t know how you find all the words, but they are sooo welcomed. I really, really LOVE this post UNCONDITIONALLY. 🙂
    Happy Mother’s Day Eve Sam. ❤

    1. I love my hattttt. I look at it all day. I am swollen (water retention) from the thyroid, dark circles under eyes…pills kicking in soon, I hope. As soon as I am in the ‘mood’ to take a photo of me in hat, I will. I am kind of OCDing about it… I do that about ‘gifts’….like I need to prove my appreciation or something to make sure the other person knows how much it meant to me… so there is no doubt! I am so weird! lol. No surprise you get this…. I see myself slip in and out of the types of love… the slipping into conditional love always teaches me… the unconditional fills me with peace. hugs and love fine friend.

  3. I am 60 and myself and my siblings are only recently understanding ourselves. Asperger’s Syndrome has affected approx. 75% of our entire family from Grandparents to Grandchildren. I have been researching and experiencing AHA ! ! ! moments, one after another. Myself and my siblings are learning to laugh at ourselves and to relate so many childhood difficulties to the traits of high functioning Aspies. We are all finding strength in enlightenment, regarding Asperger’s and so many of the related syndromes. I am learning more every day about myself and other family members and I know that there is so much more to learn. All I know, is that discipline and acknowledgement that Aspies are capable of knowing right from wrong, is the beginning of learning to deal with Aspie children. If you allow it to happen, they are intelligent enough to manipulate any situation and anyone who thinks that they need to be handled with kid gloves. Any child who is denied discipline, boundaries and direction that give them the security they need, are no different from leaves blowing aimlessly in the wind. You are not doing yourself or your Aspie child, a favour by treating them differently from any other child. Normality is what they need as well as what they truly desire. (my opinion, based on my own personal experiences.) 🙂

    1. Reply to Susan Leslie. I agree that Aspie kids need normal firm discipline, but can you go into more detail? i read so many general comments here, but we are seeking real constructive advice. I think we should all focus on actual situations, acts, habits, to help one another more. andygudgy@gmail.com

      1. I actually think it depends on each unique person. You are right that in can not be general by generalizing “Aspies” Your kids are YOUR kids. They each have their own individual needs and temperaments within ASD. I was an Aspie child and needed NO discipline. I basically crumbled and broke at discipline…I needed guidance, support and acceptance to thrive…and love. With love comes natural boundaries. In order to be that love we have to understand. My kids have ASD and they each have different requirements. As soon as we found out though we dropped all traditional discipline and instead focused on rewards and consequences for any harming of another. If a child hits their sibling they each have a time out to calm down and think upon their actions…then depending on the child- they have something confiscated that is important to them…HOWEVER, we do not touch the crucial comforts of their being…For instance one child loves their stuffed dog and needs it to calm down…instead we would take away a lesser loved but still important toy for a few days for them to understand boundaries and love versus acting out of selfishness and spite. Same goes for us as parents – if we raise our voices in harshness we apologize every time after and explain, explain, explain. When one of my children was younger – they had tantrums that were physical. We learned to gently hold them with firm yet kind control until they calmed themselves enough to go to a room and vent the rest of the emotion out safely- to harm none. That is the goal. To teach love. Our family constantly gets told how well behaved our children are…it is not our tactics but simply the love and affection. They have their struggles but most of it has been minimized by helping them have a safe place. They experience sensory overload EVERY minute. They need to have comforts, down time after school ( if they can handle being in school- we homeschool because of sensory issues) If they are in school- you as a parent can make sure they have comfortable clothes without itchy tags, nutritious lunches that don’t make them gag ( we can have limited palates) a place to go that is safe in school if it all gets to them, and one good friend is enough…if they find one help facilitate it safely. A parents job is to advocate. For ourselves and for our children even if we do not always understand. If you have a girl read Aspergirls. I also think for your wife’s sake it would be good to read 22 things you must know if you love a woman with Aspergers by Rudy Simone. If you have a boy read “Look me in the Eye” “Neurodiversity” or Tony attwood books…Anyway…you asked for some practical….

  4. My feelings of and about love have been and still are changing. I like pretty much all you said above. I am confused a lot and know it to be what I have to go through in order to reach some type of understanding. I am better at not blaming anyone, including myself, and that feels good. Do I every have unconditional love? Yes, sometimes. Do I ever receive unconditional love? I imagine so, but so many times it has turned out to be conditional and I have allowed myself to be hurt in the process of it all. As I said, we shall see. At present, I find myself not wishing to allow anyone in more than just at a surface level. It’s a protection mechanism, I know, mainly to make sure I don’t get myself into another mess as I am so very tired of those. But, that hurts, too, as I am fairly distant from so many who might be so close. Choices…we shall see.
    Teddy

    1. Just HAD to tell you; I am going through my gmail account and cleaning up wordpress stuff and such, and I am thinking how is Ted…how is Kindred Spirit. I hope he is okay. Why am I thinking of him??? And then I look and you messaged during the time. weird…. I totally hear you loud and clear. I have recently only found this unconditional love from a friend(s) and it took a long time for me to recognize it. First I struggled to love the person conditionally, I didn’t like not being “special” etc. I then began to see the beauty of unconditional love… it was a HUGE transforming experience. Very, very painful. Probably top 3 of pains….learning to shift from captive conditional love to unconditional love. As humans we all slip back and forth in degrees, I imagine… The difference for me now is I am intensely aware when I have self-based desires for another based on my needs and not the needs of the ALL Usually it’s because I want to use a friendship as a means of distraction from my own fears and life. You have so much to often a friend/mate; I do hope you find what your heart is searching for…. No one can hurt you… You already know that though…. still I get what you mean… about how your not wanting to submit to that possible pain. Keep being you… shine bright and I know you will find what you most need. Best to you ~ S

  5. Hi Aspergers Girls! As a mum of a 20 year old daughter with Asperger’s (she was diagnosed when she was 18) I find your blog fascinating and so helpful and interesting. I am making my way in this blogging world and I have nominated you for The Super Sweet Blogging Award which I hope you will accept. The simple rules are at this link: http://sherrimatthewsblog.wordpress.com/2013/05/13/sweet-dreams-are-made-of-these/
    Congratulations and keep up the great writing!

    1. I am so happy to hear that my words assist you and yours in someway and very much appreciate you taking the time to comment and to think of me. I love the word ‘sweet.’ That is very kind of you. Much love. 🙂

  6. Love, like life, is all one big process happening now. I never feel the need to quantify telling someone that I love them with the word “unconditional.” To me, unconditional love is something that is so apparent when we have a conversation with someone (whether we’ve just met them or known them for a long time). We know that the person in front of us has no judgment in their eyes and soul, and we know they have no expectations for us to be anything than what we all are – LOVE.

  7. By ‘obsessing’ you mean worrying does he love me and all that sort of thing don’t you? Having them as your muse and writing romantic happy love poems about them isn’t what you mean here is it?

    1. Good question….not sure. I think muses serve a purpose for artists .. like Rumi and other poets and artists. So it’s hard to say. In this post I was thinking more of self-destructive actions not art.

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