Sometimes having Aspergers is the scariest thing in the world—not the name, or label, or stigmatism the word brings, not even the essence of Aspergers itself, but what it represents in my soul.
No matter how many friends I have, or people I confide in or reach out to, no matter how far I go in my search of self or how many ways I accomplish goals for relief, I end up back at the starting line. Facing forward with the force of the world against me.
Only someone with Aspergers will know what I mean; people not on the spectrum will think they can understand; they will look at their own depth, take in what they know, decipher their inventory, but with all of me I know it is impossible to understand the pain of Aspergers unless you have directly experienced it.
There is nothing more isolating than knowing myself completely, understanding fully the mind and the way in which I act and respond, and still being helpless to alter how I am. It’s not that I want to change me, but I do long for relief and a mild form of adaptation, minor assimilation, something that makes me feel I have made progress, even as I know I have nothing to progress from.
I am entirely an anomaly, in all ways, and in all forms. In fact, I am beginning to think I am the essence, the exact symbolism for yin/yang. For I cannot go out to one extreme of the pendulum without going full swing to the other side, in regards to emotions, experience, outlook, opinion, even circumstances.
To know so much is disheartening. To see so much, to be able to pick apart my mind piece by piece, and understand my inner-workings, and still remain what seems to be helpless is maddening. I can’t cease to think nor stop my methods of multi-faceted interpretation. My mind, some giant mechanism that grinds and grates to piece things together—every thing—including complex analysis of my own thoughts, emotions, and renderings.
Everything I am and everything I do, is adamantly dissected, without choice, including everything I watch, like some giant intertwined web spinning past my mind’s eye. It appears at times I am thinking three times over; that my mind is somehow capable of deciphering the immediate now, the effects of the immediate now, and the thought processes of the two previous aforementioned, and even the predictable outcome and by-product of the thinking process itself. I cannot help but become overtaken and mind-boggled, drowning in a perplexity of images and thoughts, some speaking over the other, some repeating, some making complete sense, and some the markings of a crazed woman.
Add this to the noise inside my head of all the rules I have been taught, (or more so taken in as truth), and I become cluttered with an endless echo of noise: my thoughts, my thoughts about thoughts, and their thoughts, as well as my analysis of all of these thoughts. I become so lost in myself, and this is only the first layer of a multi-dimensional sponge cake of mayhem.
Next comes the bombardment of guilt. The ways I should be, should act, the tools I ought use, the ways in which I ‘should’ think. The world is full of norms for the neurotypical, even full of remedies and concoctions for recovery and sanity, all of which do not work on me. I can’t go to therapy, as I know more than any therapist I have met, and can psychoanalyze them within the first moments of the first meeting—seeing straight into their insecurities, power-struggles and attachments.
I have proved doctors wrong, too, time and time again, based on my gift of keen research and self-awareness. I know myself inside and out; I know my body inside and out. And as a result of my intellectual and instinctual capacity, all the places ‘typical’ people seek out for comfort do me no good. In this there is no relief. There is no refuge. There is ultimately nowhere to go.
The only way is through it. Through the bleakness and drudgery. Through the hellish thoughts. Over and over through, until I come out returned.
No friends can help, definitely no foe. I don’t need foes. I punish myself enough. I shall never be good enough, kind enough, or loving enough. It’s not a matter of perfectionism. As I have said, the ways of the ‘typical’ aren’t my way. I am that dichotomy again, as I know I am good, I know I am enough, I know I am love, but then I know naught. There is that perpetual swinging, of self too, from one view to the next, never stagnant and never truly grounded.
Belief systems, religions, rituals, magic, or what have you, those don’t work either. Temporary bandages or bondages, considering the source, until I analyze them and their happenings to no end and find the loop holes, the questions, the reality behind the illusion.
I often wish I was more blinded to the ways of world, a bit more oblivious, a bit less aware, that I believed there was a something or someone out there in which to seek refuge. This isn’t to mean I don’t have faith, as I am sure some will conclude so, based on their perceptions and rigid belief systems. The truth is I have a faith, a blind faith, and that is what leads me to write, and teaches me the vulnerability of truth heals. Still, there is an overbearing loneliness in the rawness of truth.
The isolation is evident on all planes. I had for the stretch of most of my life sought out priests, reverends, psychologists, psychiatrists, spiritual healers, astrologists, herbalists, shamans, teachers, professors, energy workers, and the like. Over and over they saw in me what they wanted to see, and nothing beyond. No one could penetrate me and get through me. No one could truly see me. In the end, my search accentuated my isolation, only added to my fever for connection and knowing.
I live my life questioning truth: the truth of everything. And then reaching the conclusion and revelation of the lack of valid truth, I spin back into the oblivion of not knowing. I live my life questioning if I am truthful enough. I worry about the slight chance of accidental manipulation on my part that might occur based on my own want and desire. I don’t even like to wish. Who am I to wish? I worry about being self-focused. I worry about being me. And everywhere, in vast unwavering quantity, is this judgment, these unspoken rules; these people being who they are and questioning who I am. And I am ransacked by their ways. I hide, I escape, I try to be nowhere and be no thing, but then the isolation is magnified and brought up to jet speed, and I long for the company again. I take strangers and their judging eyes over nothing.
I am intense. I am remarkably smart. I am keenly aware. I am often misunderstood, misinterpreted, and misjudged. My only saving grace is in having learned to love others unconditionally. I see past it all—every preconceived notion and every label. I don’t care what you are or who you are. I just love. It doesn’t matter to me your job, your race, your creed, your habits, your ways. I just love. And I long to be loved that way in return, to be looked upon with the grace of the all-knowing, and to be penetrated with complete acceptance.
Sometimes I don’t think the issue at hand is coming to terms with accepting myself or knowing myself completely. Sometimes I don’t think it is about anything at all, beyond coming to terms with the fact that most people will never see my value and uniqueness because they are too blinded by their own disillusionment of fear.
This post is dedicated to my dear friend Pascal. We will miss you.
Everyday Asperger's 
Sadly, it never goes away. I am 65 and long to be understood. Long for a friend, anyone to understand what even I do not understand. I don’t even understand the morass of questions, hopes, despair, days of weeping in pain and days of being okay. (400mg of SAM-e makes a big difference in the depression and L-theanine makes a small dent in terrible anxiety). I would like so much to be normal, but that is not going to happen so I have to constantly seek to let go of yesterday and find joy in today, in the moment. I practice an attitude of gratitude because my natural bent is very negative and self focused. I seek positive quotes. I write daily what I am thankful for and post it on my frig. To sleep at night I use sleep phones and listen to gentle music until I sleep. (That along with a otc sleeping pill).
I can’t be normal. I can’t be free from anxiety or depression, but I continue to fight for peace and joy. I know by now in this life I will not get relief, but I refuse to give up. When I was young I tried suicide. But, that is not an answer and would hurt to many people. I am not willing to hurt those I love.
I also believe one lives best in having dreams, learning and goals. I hurt and wish I did not have Asperger’s. But, I do. I have a loving, understanding husband of 42 years and he uses humor to help draw me out of the black times. Life is difficult for most people so I am not to feel sorry for myself, but use my life and talents to bless others. Focusing on the blessings and refusing the negative does make a difference.
thank you for your lovely words 🙂
Why i can’t reply directly to your post?
I don’t know what I am: aspe or neurotypical? I’ve just felt different since I was a child. But reading your post I feel less lonely today even if consciously my sadness will not disappear. Reply me please.
Comments have to be approved first. I see the comment now. We have a nice group on Facebook if you’d like to connect to others on the spectrum and not on the spectrum.
You are so fortunate to have your husband. I fear I will be completely alone forever. It’s terrifying.
I’m in the same boat I’ve no family, as my parents punished me for having Aspergers, have never had a loving relationship and can’t even connect to my spirit guide any more ,I’m worried they’ve left me too for needing them, just as physical people do, its beyond scary.
It’s hard for me to believe there is a god in this world today. I seek help and they give me a self help book. Sleep is my only refuge and that is fleeting at best. I have felt joy before, but it alludes me now. I have no purpose now. How do you cope?
Thanks
For me: Having people to talk to, strict diet at times to reduce anxiety, plenty of rest, feel-good stories, movies, and news, avoiding the broadcast news and television (unless movies/Netflix) seeing love and innocence in children. Having faith and hope. Some days are super hard, but I push through. Facebook groups have been life savers for some.
” I become cluttered with an endless echo of noise: my thoughts, my thoughts about thoughts, and their thoughts, as well as my analysis of all of these thoughts. I become so lost in myself,”
I so know what you mean here, I feel the same so often. Everything I do or say/want to do or say, i over think, try to work out all the various possible situations which could come from what I say. Everything I hear I memorise and analyise.
“I am intense. I am remarkably smart. I am keenly aware. I am often misunderstood, misinterpreted, and misjudged. My only saving grace is in having learned to love others unconditionally……” I could say this is me as well, no one seems to really understand me and what I think/do
You have written this very well and I think it is something which a lot of people with AS will be able to agree with.
❤ thank you
I only recently became aware of Asperger’s syndrome and I know without a doubt that I have it even though I haven’t been tested. I have always felt lonely even though I had seven brothers and sisters. My sister recently told me that I was a very serious child. I remember always feeling like I didn’t belong anywhere. I remember thinking if there was a button I could push and I could just disappear that I would push it. I have always had a strong love for animals and nature and that is where I find my greatest joy. I have started to meditate the last couple of years and I find this very rewarding. Music is very important to me as it can change my mood or just help me cope with a bad day. I have without knowing why I was different found ways to cope and find ways to be happy, but the loneliness never goes away.
❤
I have not yet read a truer statement that encompasses the way I feel. Thank you.
❤
Exactly.
I so wish, that the way I- so completely understand what you have written- that someone in my life could understand it as well.
I have no such support, but I can’t blame anyone for not “getting it”
I have with held diagnosis, though I am positive about Aspergers.
I have 5 children, some of them more conflicted than others. I am terrified of what my spouse might try to do if I was diagnosed. We struggle- as we will, because he does not understand the importance of truth and righteousness. With each lie, and blow to my self worth- I am weakened.
I question why I didn’t see the flags constantly. I relive every stabbing word I have endured for the past 23 years. I feel guilt so deeply, for not being stronger for my children.
I am trapped in my own mind and trapped in my situation. I am hanging on by a thread.
No one can understand why words, and negative thoughts, and lies (I know when someone is lying) The fact that anyone I have any type of relationship with, I am so connected to their energy, mostly negative. I don’t want it, but it isn’t something I have a choice with. I have felt it as long as I can remember. Even as I averted any eye contact and was mute, unless home- all the way into my 20’s- I couldn’t stop the feelings of others, from rushing me.
I am exhausted. I have isolated myself pretty much these days. I can see right through people, and I don’t like what I see.
I don’t have the ability to hate, nor wish harm, but I just don’t want to have to nod politely. Not that I could. I open my mouth to be polite and I blurt out random personal things, and people look at me, and I know it was wrong- but I couldn’t stop it. I see them trying to avoid me later. I beat myself up. The chatter never stops. The sooooo longing for someone to get me, instead of being annoyed with me. I so need support, but realize the only people that will get me will be people like you. Expecting someone who endures mentally, daily what I do- I could never expect to be able to support me. The Irony.
I am venting. I am sorry it’s so long and not positive.
I at least have an answer for why I am so different. I want to thank you for that. Being a researcher and advocate for myself and children has been a tremendous struggle without a diagnosis. I have no patience left for doctors. Their egos are far too large to accept that I only wish the best of health for my family. They can’t fathom that they are not some type of God, so knowing yourself and your children inside and out makes them very defensive.
I will look forward to another post, it’s nice knowing someone can write what I feel. You are very gifted. xo
much love to you 🙂
This was very accurate. In knowing you and other aspies feel this way I don’t really feel alone…and we are all alone yet in aloneness together. Again my husband thought I wrote this as it is spot on. I was blown away by someone saying words I could say because as you know it rarely happens. I am lucky to have those in my life who truly try…most days that is enough and I don’t feel really too alone but I rarely every feel truly understood and yes that unconditional acceptance is rarely given back and my perceptions of others only take an instant and are very accurate in almost all cases.
P.s this part:
“It’s not that I want to change me, but I do long for relief and a mild form of adaptation, minor assimilation, something that makes me feel I have made progress, even as I know I have nothing to progress from.
I am entirely an anomaly, in all ways, and in all forms. In fact, I am beginning to think I am the essence, the exact symbolism for yin/yang. For I cannot go out to one extreme of the pendulum without going full swing to the other side, in regards to emotions, experience, outlook, opinion, even circumstances.
To know so much is disheartening. To see so much, to be able to pick apart my mind piece by piece, and understand my inner-workings, and still remain what seems to be helpless is maddening. I can’t cease to think nor stop my methods of multi-faceted interpretation. My mind, some giant mechanism that grinds and grates to piece things together—every thing—including complex analysis of my own thoughts, emotions, and renderings.
Everything I am and everything I do, is adamantly dissected, without choice, including everything I watch, like some giant intertwined web spinning past my mind’s eye. It appears at times I am thinking three times over; that my mind is somehow capable of deciphering the immediate now, the effects of the immediate now, and the thought processes of the two previous aforementioned, and even the predictable outcome and by-product of the thinking process itself.”
WOW. How did you get inside of my head?:) Thanks wonderful soul friend for the words of accuracy and belonging.
you are awesome 🙂
Dearest Sam,
I know this may sound so redundant to you but the very feelings you share with us are some of the very words of encouragement I mirror back to you. A girlfriend of mine who embraces my “ness” said something very heartfelt and strengthening to me today…as a Christian, I have come to understand that I am loved for and despite of my challenges by the One who is the true lover of my soul. I have tried so hard to disavow my nagging hope that another person will ever get me or love me how I desire to be loved here in the flesh. This is a daily internal process…then replacing that need for my flesh with the realization that I am more than this person, this body, but I am also a soul, spirit in a body and that my soul is my eternal being, cannot be created or destroyed, and that myself in this spirit is deeply, eternally treasured and loved, with purpose and plan.
I just wanted to tell you that you are precious, loved and a masterpiece of creation. No matter your faith or belief system, I am thoroughly convinced and believe this to be true of all of us, with all my heart.
All of us who touch down here, to touch each other’s lives and the lives of those around us are more rich and strengthened in our sharing. My precious Aspie sisters, we are more than conquerors, we are renewed and can rejoice in this family of souls that while so lonely here, will be free one day and will experience how loved we are.
God bless you and all those who read this!
You are wonderfully and magnificently made!
Xoxo
lovely, thank you 🙂
Hello Samantha,
I am writing from England and wanted you to know that your words resonate from across the Atlantic. No mean feat considering I am of African descent. So navigating being female, having Aspergers syndrome and being African with the cultural stigmas that are attached to disability is the exhausting war I am fighting daily. I will not go into detail at this time but I just wanted to thank you again for putting my thoughts on paper. I will be using this to share with anyone who has the inclination to ask questions about the possible struggles of having AS.
wonderful, and much love to you
Hello there,
I’m also UK.
‘most people will never see my value and uniqueness because they are too blinded by their own disillusionment of fear.’ I want to say that line is so true.
I also want to say Lady Sidi Bou, that in some areas the ‘struggle in being African’ can have unexpected effects (I feel I have some idea as a person who grew up in the homes of a half-African-Jamaican family, half Jamaican-Mauritian family, a Turkish family, a Pakistani family, and three white families). In my experience I found that those foreign families and communities were much, MUCH, more warm, accepting, and supportive of one another and their individual differences, and mine, and had much stronger family values. Whereas in the white circumstance there was coldness, hardness, judgement, and extremely high expectations of me as a ‘WHITE GIRL’ to be ‘the same as them’ (even though I am historically of mixed heritage – though not visibly) which, with AS, I could not meet. I’m not saying this exact rule is true for you where you are, but maybe there are areas where you could live more happily? I also accept that class was a factor for me; the white families mostly had middle class members, most of whom were particularly hard and cruel, having no true comprehension of their advantage, yet still judging others for ‘shortcomings’ which were largely due to their financial and circumstantial disadvantage. However, in school, I did also repeatedly notice that the minority children were often given a more relaxed attitude in terms of authority and conformity, presumably because their visible difference was so obvious to the staff. Whereas again, as a ‘WHITE GIRL’ I was expected to fit in 110% and achieve in all areas, and given no margin of social deviation from the other ‘WHITE GIRLS’ whatsoever (whereas the children I cared for most, including all but 1 black or foreign girls, did not have such standards applied to them, nor applied such standards to their friends, probably explaining why I got on with them better). So please be aware that actually, in terms of AS, every person’s situation is different, and there is a possibility that in CERTAIN situations, being of a minority ethnic group may actually be helpful, and being a member of the ‘conforming majority herd’ may be even HARDER to fit into. (I hope you can take this in the spirit it is meant; honest sharing of personal experience in the hope to open minds, and realizing that nothing in life is one sided).
x
*I am also aware that I have read in minority communities there is less understanding of AS, so that may have negative affect, but as I was undiagnosed until 26 years old, this was not relevant to my situation anyway, though maybe it affected you.
You may watch a single stream and see it flow one way.
But in truth, the waters of the world flow in all directions.
xxx
that makes a lot of sense. thank you for sharing 🙂
This really is amazing, and speaks so much to me… I too have this ‘daily’ feeling. It’s not easy, at all. People just don’t seem to understand our difficulties but we are strong, even if we sometimes think the opposite.
I just want to say, thank you for your amazing words, so inspiring!
thank you for your kind comment 🙂
This article went straight to my heart and helped me to understand my own hurt as a Christian and an Aspie. Please read the epistle of 1 John, near the end of the New Testament. There IS a way of love and truth, and it’s proof that God is working on your heart that you value both love and truth. There are hundreds of answers to religious questions, yet the epistle of I John boils it all down simply and speaks straight to the heart of what it means to LOVE. God bless you for seeking the truth so carefully. I pray you will find it in God’s Word.
I think I do not have much to offer those like myself any longer. I feel very lonely, especially at this time of year as I am home alone with nobody most of the time to talk to. This is also my 1st Christmas as an “orphan” if one can call being parent-less@ 35 that. I don’t drive or have any friends that live anywhere near where I do. I am a Christian and through my faith in Christ; that He died for my sins so that I could go to heaven when my time on earth is up is a *welcome* and peaceful reality. The trick is trying to cultivate peace and joy on a daily basis, to wait on God in faith, that He will give me HIs peace, to be able to accept myself; where I am at for the moment and not to despair. Your posts sure resonate with me and do help. A blessed Holiday season to you and new year.
♥ autisticaplanet
Thank you for putting your thoughts out there, into the seeming ether. It’s nice to feel not so alone in the daily struggles. It can be extremely overwhelming to live inside my own head, as you have so beautifully written. Just knowing that I am not the only one reminds me I will get through this, that I am okay.
Have a beautiful day!
Reblogged this on freeintelligence and commented:
aspergersgirls.wordpress.com
I spend a lot of time researching the spectrum and I also live in the world she describes. This is certainly the most eloquent, accurate description I have ever read.
I sometimes wish I could hear voices so I would have someone to talk to.
Thank you again Sam for spelling out thoughts that so many of us have. Your website is for me, and clearly to so many others, like the only friend who to turn to and who makes one feel less isolated. I have come to terms and accepted that I will be alone in my thoughts for the rest of my life. I have had a few encounters who were very close of reading me, but it’s been a while I’ve met anyone I could share this parallel world. Hence, your writings are a true refuge. I wanted to ask you if you have found any writers or books (I don’t mean AS self-help books, but more classical types of novels or biographies) that would resonate our way of thinking? Thank you so much again.
my friend reads Ludwig Wittgstin philosophy and my friend Alien Hippy has a blog. I hope you know you are never alone. We are family Much love
Very well stated. I relate, entirely.
🙂
As someone with undiagnosed Aspergers. I do think i have a mild form of Aspergers. I struggle daily with getting confused and relationships are a struggle. I dont go out much, or associate with people.
best to you
I relate to your comment as I have undiagnosed Aspergers too. Sometimes I almost feel normal but then if I have tried to socialize or get out a little more – I feel worn out and exhausted from trying to be normal. It will then take a few days of isolation to bring mine spirits back up again. I go over ever detail in my head and beat myself up for not being able to fit in better. Monday was a really bad day for me because I had gotten out of the house for a few days and now I am starting over again. Today is Wednesday and I feel like I have made it back to my “normal world” and feel goo again. Yeah!
Thank you for expressing so well the inability to find relief in all this. With a mind that is never at rest and is in constant search for information and seems to always be watching its own self, even consulting “experts” like doctors seems futile. Talking to a psychiatrist or therapist has been useless to me. I have typically done more research on everything and then they still cannot be inside my own mind. I especially relate to the part about guilt. My own self punishment for “not getting it right” is far worse than anyone can ever do to me. I wish often that I could be more like other people who simply let things go. I don’t know how to turn this mind of mine off and yet there are times when I so acutely feel and love the beauty of this world that I would not trade who I am for anything. Since my diagnosis is new, even though I am far from young, I am going to have to learn to breathe my way into more acceptance for who I am. There’s nothing wrong with me. I love the new term I have been seeing “neuro-diverse.”
wow; I was just thinking of this today… a hard day for me. Thank you for expressing yourself and reminding me I am not alone. Much love.
Never heard of the term neurodiverse before so I goggled it and found it to be a very interesting subject. The thought you expressed about breathing your way into more acceptance of who you are is something I have been working on for myself. I am learning to just allow myself to breath into my feelings instead of trying to suppress and deny them. I am finding this helpful and it seems to be reducing my everyday anxiety. I love hearing everybody’s thoughts on challenges they might be dealing with in their lives.
We all have an empty space, a longing for love that no human living on this planet can ever fill the endless gaps within our souls. But there is a human that came and lived on this planet for 33 years that goes by the name of Jesus Christ. He was there when I was in a rut and had no where to go and He delivered me from pain and suffering. He is always willing and ready to give you a huge embrace, and his love is something we will never be able to wrap our minds around.
Things have gotten worse on this planet because Jesus is coming back soon.
Ask God for wisdom, and ask Him to reveal Himself and you will be more than shocked when you come upon revelation after revelation. He is ALIVE and He is here to comfort you. Just call upon you, and come as you are. He loves us all the same no matter the circumstance.
There is nothing that will ever seperate you from that love Romans 8:38-39: 38 For I am persuaded beyond doubt (am sure) that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities, nor things [a]impending and threatening nor things to come, nor powers,
39 Nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation will be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
All the pain you have experienced in life, Jesus has felt with you. You are His and you are never alone.
John 3:16 16 For God so greatly loved and dearly prized the world that He [even] gave up His only begotten ([a]unique) Son, so that whoever believes in (trusts in, clings to, relies on) Him shall not perish (come to destruction, be lost) but have eternal (everlasting) life.
I have a close relationship with the Holy Spirit. Thank you for your lovely words. the best to you
I struggle with faith and yet still find it rewarding. I am Muslim, which in today’s political climate is not easy! Aspergers answers so many questions for me, and although I am undiagnosed, it is the only thing that has ever truly made any sense to me. I was lonely for so long, and until I had my daughters, loneliness was a curse- I had depression and wanted to die, everyday. Now I have so much love. Yet I still struggle with other relationships, with the neurotypicals, in my life. I love them, we get on well, I have learned the rules of the game, and I feel accepted and respected, but it is hard work, being in a room full of people and acting out my role of social butterfly. Saying the ‘right things’. I am sometimes perceived as cold, and I want to break through that. I feel exhausted. I find comfort, ironically, in solitude, red wine, meditation, and reading. And my babies of course!
I recharge with solitude and reading, too. Sometimes I think silence is the most beautiful sound in the world. For relaxation, I play thunderstorm sounds on youtube. =)
🙂 wonderful
I agree with you 100%. It’s nice to read some heartfelt witnessing in the blogosphere.
“The isolation is evident on all planes. I had for the stretch of most of my life sought out priests, reverends, psychologists, psychiatrists, spiritual healers, astrologists, herbalists, shamans, teachers, professors, energy workers, and the like. Over and over they saw in me what they wanted to see, and nothing beyond. No one could penetrate me and get through me. No one could truly see me. In the end, my search accentuated my isolation, only added to my fever for connection and knowing.”
Yikes. You’re describing me…So glad I stumbled on this blog! I’ve had one too many dark nights lately. Thanks for writing.
you are most welcome 🙂 best wishes to you
You talk about never being perfect enough. My take on perfection is this. If something is perfect it should be comparable to all others of it’s type without an utter difference. There is only one of you. Therefore you are the most perfect you that you can be regardless of what you perceive as imperfect.
very true 🙂 thank you
I wish I could write so well. All these thoughts, and I don’t know how to say them.
All I can say is thank you…
❤
This makes me think of a song I wrote many years ago, before I knew about aspergers – when people would try to tell me there was nothing wrong with me.
What are you going to do to make me understand?
What are you going to do to stop me crying?
You say that what I feel is just imagination.
But still I wonder why
and though you’re being kind.
You’re lying.
What are you going to do to stop my spirit breaking?
What are you going to do to make me love myself?
I wish that you could come inside and share this feeling.
But nothing can get in
And nothing can get out
You’re lying.
Only I know
How it really feels to be
The one who’s all alone
Though you are here with me
You’re lying.
What are you going to do to stop my mind from reeling?
What are you going to do to make me smile inside?
I wish that there was something that would ease my thinking.
But nothing hears my cry
And still I wonder why
You’re lying.
I love your site. It really helps me to know that there are others out there with the endless corridor minds!
thank you very much for sharing; it’s lovely and profound.
Reading this is like reading something I could have written. I’m feeling the same hopelessness about life right now.
Just last night I told my husband “it’s like being born into a fair-ride that you can’t get off.”
I’ve never felt despondent in all my life.
What is the meaning of it all?
It only gets worse as you age. (I’m turning 50 this year.)
On the flip-side, I do feel somewhat of a relief that I was finally able to pinpoint that darkness at night. It’s when the earth is turning away from the sun, (we perceive it as the sun making her way around us), well, that moment when the earth has turned her farthest, and it’s a pivotal moment, when, in her turn, suddenly in that one brief moment, she is no longer turning away but turning towards; it is this time before this happens that the darkest moments of all happen. This plays out within me every night. I feel it very strongly. Yet the sun, in her distance, is only a mass ball of fire, mere element, whereas I am human – thinking, feeling, dichotomous instinct. Why do I feel this nightime theatric playing itself inside me every night? My soul longs for more. My soul longs for the eternity of heaven that lacks the limitations of earth.
It’s what we all want. We want to be free.
thank you for sharing your lovely thoughts
I envy your ability to love unconditionally. I know I’ve been loved, at least for who they thought I could be or who they thought I was at one time. I question my ability to love; truly, with all of my heart.
I understand. It took me many, many years and a lot of writing here to reach that point.
I am blown away. I could have written this word for word. My husband just asked me for a divorce in an email. He left me for another MAN about six months ago after coming out to me. Of course I totally empathized with his pain and opened our marriage. A month later he left to live with a man almost twice his age in another state leaving me and his step daughters to fend for ourselves. The second husband to do me like that but the first one was a closet sadist sex addict. Swore I would never fall for that again and sure enough. So I was Googling things about how isolating Asperger’s is and here I am. And I am so glad I am here. I hate that anyone knows exactly how I feel but I am comforted too, which of course makes me feel guilty lol. But I am sure you get that. I am resigned at 45 to a life alone because I cannot deal with this anymore and feel safer by myself. Isolated and alone but safer. And I don’t want to feel bad about that. I am starting not to care what people think. I hate that typicals think if you can’t be like them there is something wrong with you. My ability to trust typicals is non existent at this point. But I do have close friends and family and two daughters and lots of pets. I will make it somehow but man…this sucks. But this post really helped me and I wanted to thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you.
I hear you loud and clear. And the guilt no matter our own pain is amazing, and our ability to understand and to empathize beyond our own pain, too. I dated some men who were not healthy for me, but I have been with some good people, too. Click the Facebook link to the left if you want a larger community of us like-minded folks. And I am so happy I could help in someway. Yes, it SUCKS….. Life is hard but has those happy moments. Take care of you.
Reblogged this on autisticaplanet blogs and commented:
A lot of women with Asperger’s autism (including myself) relate to Aspergersgirls blog. It does help to know that nobody (an autistic person included) is alone in their struggles.
Reblogged this on athenaminerva7 and commented:
Totally I know what you mean.
I’m not sure if you’re going to get this, as it’s now November! But I just wanted to let you know that for me, reading this outstanding piece of writing feels like you’ve just penetrated through my skin and literally taken out all my insides and put them to paper. You’ve taken out parts I didn’t know where there, but are. Nowhere else can I find any truer piece of writing, explaining how I feel. I will be showing this to my partner as there’s no way I could explain it all so well. You are doing an amazing job for us Aspies, and I hope that you feel some comfort in knowing that you have helped to ease some of the confusion I (we) feel on a daily basis.
THANK YOU
Love from UK
wonderful
Thank you for this. I was having a particularly lonely day, and this made tears flow down my cheeks. You are so right about knowing ourselves inside and out, but I have always felt like there is an invisible “shield” around me, which keeps people just far enough out of it to prevent them from bonding, if that makes sense. I am extremely extroverted and outgoing to the world, but it’s an act, as I’m always lonely. Sometimes, it’s just needing a hug, other times, it’s just internal arguing with myself …. and resenting that I wake up every day.
I was diagnosed at few months ago at 57, but it’s been getting worse in the last few years.
I am very lonely tonight! know you are not alone in your feelings. best to you
Yes I am very alone too yet I know I cannot be together with anyone either. I feel confused by how many Aspergers women seem to have lasting relationships and marriage.
How can this be? This is the area my Aspergers most manifest. Alone I can cope. Together arouses so much fear, anxiety and analysis of every communication I must spoil it all before I am abandoned.
How do these Aspergers women do it? Have they found the most special of men? I fear I must be alone to survive. Sorry for negativity!
I was married almost 19 years. I think because my husband was a very tolerant, quiet man. Now I am with an aspie and it is completely different, and I am learning much about my own self. Many Aspies prefer a lot of alone time or no relationship with a significant other. It’s a lot of work and a lot of strong emotions. Every day is hard for me.
Thank you Sam. Yes, it is the amount of strong emotion that I cannot seem to handle. I sound as if I have never had long relationships – I have, but there is a part of me that seeks escape because I find it too painful. In addition, the expectations of “intimacy” when you are close with someone, cause shut down and extreme analysis!
I cannot help but blame myself as I look back over my failed relationships. Yet some of them were abusive, physically and emotionally, and throw in my need to control to cope with all the extreme sensory stuff, it all seems hopeless.
Anyway, I wish you well in your relationship Sam. 🙂 Not sure how I will ever meet another man as I am a virtual recluse these days!!
as I get older I long for more and more alone time 🙂 thank you for the well wishes. The best to you, too.
This was such a beautifully written and touching post. Thank you for sharing your thoughts on what it is like to go through life often feeling socially isolated. I am glad I am not alone. Warmest wishes for your friend Pascal, I can’t imagine anything worse than losing a young loved one to suicide.
He wasn’t my young one, just to clarify but a friend I met through social media. A very kind traveling performer. Best wishes to you.
Never has someone been able to take the words that I fail and cannot form, without babbling and it coming out all wrong, and put them where they make perfect sense. I hate my head yet the self awareness I have that I see lacking in others I wouldn’t trade for anything. Even if it means I am alone forever.
best to you 🙂
I have Aspie. I have had the same experiences, and I have had to develop certain structures, in order to bring a since of normalcy. To explain the underlining causation with a metaphor, the brain has 100 gold coins to spend. It must spend these coins, based on biological directive. The brain has 10 slots, and it ideally spends these gold coins, in equanimity -no particular favoritism for “neruotypicals.” However, in Aspies, and in other non-normality brains, such as in prodigies, the brains tends to spend those coins in unequal measures. For our case, this means that your existential analysis is your brain spending 20 gold coins in Existential Intelligence -which also means there is an obvious underlining genius in processing this information. You cannot and should not try to make the mind spend less coins in the areas that it needs to, as you have already noted. What is needed is a constructive means by which you engage in Existential Analysis, in helping your mind deplete and manage the expenditure of these coins. Every ASpie -every genius- has a “obsession,” and yours in particular is this Existential Analysis. Embrace this! 😀 Keep a observation journey where you externalize your thoughts. Get into an academic program for Psychology, and give your mind that productive outlet, while increasing your earning power. Find Psychology groups -as well as Phenomenological groups if your philosophically inclined- both of which can be found by networking within academic department. Regarding the isolation, it is a matter of being able to share this obsession with others, which is also were the academic networks come in as well. I hope this helps! _from one Aspie to another_
well said 🙂
It’s as if you climbed in my head and spit out my thoughts. I’m not sure if you will contact me, but I’d like to discuss something very important and thought provoking with you. My email address is Jasmine.morales@hotmail.com
please see my contact information at myspectrumsuite.com
I know I’m years late…buy just found this and had to write a comment…because whoever wrote this put into words…my mind. I’ve never in my life been able to relate so much to anyone or anything. Thank you.
much light and love to you 🙂 written by blog author Samantha Craft Book: Everyday Aspergers 🙂