406: Fear, Desire, and Attachment

I wasn’t my ‘full’ self, yesterday; I recognize this and understand the reasons. I am doing much inner processing, and sometimes allow myself to still try to seek perfectionism when none exists. When I do that, I try to seek perfectionism in others. All I say about someone else is a direct reflection of me. So in reviewing yesterday’s post I discover a bit about me. It’s not fun and it’s not not fun. It just is. I do this review of me without judgment. I am human and that is that. I may be a spiritual being having a human experience, but I still have this brain, this body, basic needs, and some lingering desires, and thusly I still project myself upon others. There are a few things going on with me. But even in “seeing” myself clearly, no matter the view, I remain the observer and not the judge.

I was more prone to slipping into moments of brief fear yesterday, because my husband is heading out of town to see his mother who is close to death. Normally, death would stir up multiple loops for me. I would have likely, before, spun on death and illness, worried about my husband being out-of-town, thought about the money the trip was costing, stressed and agonized over the pain of the sufferer, created and recreated future scenarios, guilted myself up for not being good enough while his mother was alive, chased down thoughts like a dog after a cat, had trouble sleeping, and so on. Now with the dismissal of fear, the repeated dismissal—as I still have fear—I don’t get lost in my mind. If I do slip out of the present, it is for clear reasons:

1. Thinking of a desire
2. Thinking of the reason I have the desire
3. Wondering how to detach from the desire
4. Wondering if I am presenting myself authentically and coming from a place of love
5. Wondering if I have said something that misrepresents my true heart
6. Wondering how to help more and love more
7. Analyzing my desire to see if the desire truly erupts from love and no other source
8. Catching and feeling the fear, and gently releasing the fear
9. Reminding myself not to self-judge
10. Checking in with my body about how I feel and how I am responding to my environment
11. Watching myself to see if I am in the present, past, or future
12. Briefly glancing ahead if I have to prep for an appointment or outing. (What to where. How long to tell my son I will be gone. What to bring. Etc.)
13. Checking in with myself to respond in a way that does not teach, dictate, or come across as ‘knowing the answers.’
14. Reminding myself I know nothing and that I am an accumulation of my perception, exposure, and experience.

Other than these thoughts above generally I am:

1. Listening to the deep self while I write.
2. Listening to the guiding voices that used to seem like angels, but now feel a bit different.
3. In the act of creation, e.g., writing, poetry, painting.
4. Focusing on what another is saying, doing
5. Experiencing a deep depth of knowledge that comes as images, words, and what seem to be lessons.
6. Experiencing the now–the moment–the present

Today, I awoke ‘rawer’ than the last few days; primarily because a change is occurring with my husband leaving town, and also because I feel somewhat unsettled from my post yesterday.

When fears come, they come briefly. Usually only a second or two, sometimes a minute, and very rarely more than an hour. The fears I have looked at this morning come in the form of self-messages, which I recognize as a temporary lie disguised as a truth.

1. People don’t see my heart.
2. I am over-stepping boundaries and speaking too much.
3. I am not good enough to be sharing my journey.
4. I ought shut up.
5. People don’t get me.
6. I am fat.
7. I am not desirable.
8. I am crazy.
9. I was wrong.
10. I am a bitch.
11. I still have impure thoughts.

When I look at the fears, they dissipate. One or two might linger and try to keep popping up but when they do I have disciplined techniques. One such technique is to ask myself if I am in the past or present. Whenever there is fear, I am in one or the other.

Another is to remind myself no one’s opinion of me is a truth, not even my own.

I also tell myself I am light and love and in that I am exactly enough.

If one of the fear messages is about a desire, such as to be a perfect body shape and/or size, to look pretty, to sound smart, to appear sweet, to be rid of unclean thoughts, etc. I look at the desire two ways. First I recognize it is a desire and in doing so this frees me of an obligation. Desires feel like contracts with fear to me. So, I simply wave goodbye to the desire and decide I don’t wish to desire. The bliss of the moment and the absence of fear beats any and all longing for desire. In this way I substitute in my mind the desire for desire with the peace of the present moment and the state of love.

The second thing I do is look at the desire and recognize what the attachment is beneath the desire, e.g., to be loved, to be seen, to be accepted, to be right, to be perfect, to be a good example, to achieve the state of enlightenment. When I can pinpoint my desires to exact attachments, I am able to slip the weight of longing off of me, and free up more energy for love. I have to, at this point, continually remained disciplined. Even thoughts of being too disciplined or too focused on awareness pop up. I then remind myself that is okay. It’s where I am at. And see this as an attachment I cannot yet remove, but will someday.

Even all of this I see as slipping out of the present, and recognize in over-analyzing my ‘path’ I seek refuge in the fear of the future and past. I see this all at such a depth that the observer in me tires, my body pigs out (for body fears being disowned and no longer in power), and my emotions become more evident. I feel more vulnerable and behave in a more attached way.

It is a fascinating cycle to watch. Overall, my mind is 95% calmer and lighter than a month ago. Even with these thoughts of analysis and discipline spinning round, I am able to step back and stop. To breathe and be witness to the moment. I am learning to do things repeatedly without effort or want of outcome, including my thoughts about no thoughts and thoughts of the way I focus on the now. The best moments are when I am in the now without want to be in the now. That is tricky, and something that can hurt my brain, if I think too hard on it. The layers of desire fascinate me, as does the fact that I am much more an audience to my life than an actual player.

With all that said, I had a spike of fear from reading a recent comment. I thought to myself: “Well, yes, I know that. Why do you have to point that out? Why are you focusing on that?”

I felt a huge rush of feelings; all this fear at a masquerade ball dressed as emotions.

1. Inadequacy
2. Defense
3. Failure
4. Imperfection
5. Righteousness
6. Self-centered
7. Panic
8. Not enough
9. Unseen
10. Unloved

One simple comment, and boom, I was swimming in fear. The key for me now is I feel the fear so instantly, it doesn’t really have a chance. And I feel it at such depth, it has even less of a chance of remaining. Plus I show it to the light which is you, another person, and/or myself, and that light exposes the fear for mere shadow. It has become a kind of hide-and-go-seek game. Except fear has so many guises, sometimes he switches gears in the middle of the game.

From reading my post yesterday, I recognize in myself that I am still struggling with the desire for:

1. Fun
2. Understanding my interests
3. Being heard
4. Wanting to relieve others blindfolds
5. Self-fulfillment in the form of enlightenment

It truly is interesting, because now whenever I share my thoughts, I see a whole underlying event occurring, like an undertow, or the molten lava beneath the surface, or the paint beneath the paint beneath the paint. There are so many vast layers of illusion. I am learning to make fun out of the illusion itself.

Now to spend some quality time in the moment with my coffee. The liquid amber golden swirls. The richness…the depth…..

Until the next time my brain opens and releases. Much love and light to you my fine lovely friend.

291: Insatiable

Insatiable

To dig out and find the inner pieces

To gnaw and break apart what is

To salvage every last bit

And swallow each morsel whole

The remnants each

The pearls of fiery ache

Heated and raw

Glistening

I bleed upon me

Droplet by droplet

Guts and nodules sucked

Marrow disintegrated

Upon tendered flesh

Burst by spidery-spindly fingers

Man’s brimming bounty

Enter, I demand

Like captive to prison

Trapped and chained

As thorn upon finger

Pricked

Each cornerstone

Every last portion

Impregnated in plunder

Every finger tongued

With saliva secreting

Till decimated carcass

Thusly seasoned

Pampered

And evaporated

By jagged teeth and forked tongue

By teat of slurp

By throat of swallow

By reticulum of beast

Be gorged

Menaced by murderous mouth

Drowned in bile and brain

Tethered alongside passing mortality

Outcries for mercy’s reign

As I nurse upon my release

Unyielding pillager of plentitude

Until

With the severing of last limb

Young haughtiness returns

Obliterated-nothingness spawned new

Into fierce inferno blue

A setting sun of satiation

All carrion turned soot

And I

Carved through and vacuumed

Am tar-feathered firm

Made pierced gull without sea

To endlessly roam

In the gaunt hauntings

Of unyielding want

~ Samantha Craft, January 2013

sun trail

Day 189: That Moment

That Moment

I want to be that moment

in a black and white film

when man pulls woman into his arms

~

I want to be that passion

the lyrics in the love song

that leave you gasping

~

I want to be that instant

when mother sees newborn

and souls embrace

~

I want to be that sigh

as lost wanderer tracks

the sun dripping below ocean

~

I want to be that completion

the final missing piece

of the perfect puzzle

~

I want to be that reason

you sprint back home

to find what was forgotten

~

I want to be that breaking

the mile-marker when runner weeps

and then pushes onward, strengthened

~

I want to be that second

when one first beholds his beloved

and understands she is his answer

~

I want to be that ache

the final line of a love poem

~

photograph and words by Samantha Craft, July 2012

Day 154: Forbidden Quake

Forbidden Quake

You are my cherished blanket from the youth of yesterdays

Soft and angelic, crushed in scent of celestial echoes

As stripped cherub, I curl placidly into the grooves of your cotton kisses

Locked in silence between the touch of poetic eyes

Yours and mine, blended in cradled rapid whirling angst

Able to touch only within the dreams of treasured midnight hours

Draped as wild virgin surging beneath your ocean mantle

Opal-aqua, evergreen, woodland thick and meadow wide

Water to water, shore to shore, oak roots to trickling gumdrops of soil’s moisture

Beneath me you rest, shadowed by this caller, sprawled out in innocence

Pillowed between bedazzled hunger and the starched sheets of reality

This gift made perfect for the beholder, a birthday suit tailored for one

And stretched through the fading image of fear into fountain tingles

Splashing, nibbles of magenta magic, intermingle with berry coated cake

Wear me, this mangled dress of charm, dancing beneath your cherry light

Wear me, upon your heart’s lips, a sensual memory of glossy bright

Your forbidden treat, the cream in the drink of life swirled round you

Taste what is before you, before the bell awakes, and the layers are worn thin

And waxy remnants scorch the naked bed where flamed burned through

Come hither, pulsing knight of mystery, I bid you unravel your threads

So you may weave again your rainbow colors into this quaking mettle of desire