fun

Day 128: Prude to Sexy

| Aspergers Girls

Now, I hope you do all know that I have Aspergers. With Aspergers sometimes comes this naive spirit (in a wonderful way) and sometimes (in my case: often times) a tendency to not understand sexual connotations. Well, luckily I ran this post by someone (my husband). He kindly pointed out that having the topic, learning to self-massage, as one of my It List’s items might be a little risqué. I didn’t understand why learning to massage my hands and feet with lotion would be inappropriate.

When I was still a youngster, in my early twenties, my mother took me to see her psychic. I was told that I would first have two children, much like twins, and everyone would think they were twins at first—this happened. I was told that I would live to be 86 and that at the half-point (age 43) my life would shift and be happier—happening (at least the age 43 happy part). I was also told that I was a French nun in my past life and brought a lot of that mindset to this lifetime, and carried around a bunch of Catholic guilt and felt I was always sinning with my very thoughts! SO NOT HAPPENING anymore….

I’ve been a prude for the first half of my life. For the second half, I’m going to be sexy. Of course last year at this time, I was going to be a Buddhist monk, and was seriously considering growing my hair out all grey, never ever wearing makeup again, and going braless. So, really, we don’t know what to expect from me. As you can tell by looking over my last two posts, where I went from exceedingly on top of all the universes, to basically, and literally, cry me a river.

But, despite my track record, I’d thought I’d give this sexy thing a shot, and at least make a list, since I love lists anyhow. And thusly, I’ve included my ten goals for the next eight months, that leads us into February 2013, and day 366 (leap year, remember).

 

Prude to SEXY!

My IT List for Sexy

The High SEXY boots

1. High Boots. A must. With a short skirt and leggings, and a powerful cat walk.

A small sexy ankle tattoo. Perhaps a tiny sun or a tiger symbol.

2. Must have a small, sexy ankle tattoo. A permanent stamp that says the prude is gone and to banish the nun in me.

3. Study sexy action. Study sexy poses, sexy movies, and  sexy singing.

kimdehaan.wordpress.com

4. Classic Guitar and Lessons. Preferably taught by a dark, gorgeous hunk of burning love.

5. Bikini on the beach. Yes, bikini.

Maui 2012

6.  Lots and lots of submerging in water. River walking. Hit the beach. Swim in the pool. Soak in hot tub. Go to hot springs. Bubble baths.

kayakingtours.com

7. Kayaking tour and buying a kayak and wetsuit.

wikipedia.org

8. Belly dancing in this dress. Ooh la la!

Where I walk in Washington State

9. Nature

Trees and more trees. And hugging trees. Hiking. State parks. Forests. Resting on the grass by the lake. Sitting on the bench and watching the birds. Breathing in the air. Breathing.

kundalinishaktidance.com/

10. Kundalini Yoga

Got to keep the second chakra fed, or I’ll never pose for that photo of me at the water’s edge, posing sexy in a bikini, donning a belly pierce and one high boot, with the other foot bare, as to show of my ankle tattoo, all while strumming a guitar in a kayak and mouthing “I love you.”

Woke up to this today.  This music is SEXY, too. 

Day 97: Fact or Fiction Double Challenge: Guess and Press

| Aspergers Girls

Fact or Fiction Double Challenge: Guess and Press

Fellow Bloggers: Your mission, if you so choose, is to (1) Read this list; (2) Figure out what number below is fiction; (3) Write in the comment area the number you think is fiction;  (4) Copy and paste this introduction onto your blog; (5) Compose your own Fact of Fiction list on your blog; (6) Return here and in the comment section put a link to your list.

Fellow Non-Bloggers: Your mission, if you so choose, is to (1) Read this list; (2) Figure out what number below is fiction; (3) Write in the comment area the number you think is fiction;  (4) Compose your own Fact of Fiction list of three or more things in the comment section below.

My answer will be in tomorrow’s post. If you don’t partake the aliens will get you!

parcbench.com/

 1.  I had three sets of braces. Three! I had to have them all yanked off when we moved to the east coast; only to have those new braces yanked off and replaced when we moved back west, eight months later. As if that wasn’t enough, I also had this torture device called a Frankle—a double retainer gadget that made it impossible to eat or talk.

2. Stardom: I once went to a movie theater in Carmel, California and John Travolta and his wife were in the far back row. He is as sexy in person. I once was in a bar with Clint Eastwood. My uncle dated Patty Hearst. I lived around the block from Shirley Temple Black.

3. My husband and I won the newlywed game on the cruise ship. My husband’s was the winning answer because he guessed his annoying habit that I had spilled to the entire audience. I was disappointed because our prize was a couple of wine glasses. Show me the money!

4. I was a swimsuit model for a travel catalog for a Malta hotel. The photographer complained about my double-jointed arms and how they looked awkward during the photo shoot. “What’s wrong with your arms?” he groaned.

5. I was a perfume model for Macy’s. One of those dressed up gals that annoys people by spraying them with chemicals and asking how they like it. I made big bucks but only could handle one day of spraying strangers. Much like a male cat, I felt.

6. One of my front teeth is mostly gone and has a fake tooth over it. Underneath the fake tooth is a little toothpick shaped stub. Originally, before the expensive repair, I had a root canal without any pain-killer. During the procedure the dentist asked if I wanted to see the root, and I said, “Are you crazy?”

7. I met my husband by writing a personal ad in the newspaper. Interesting men listened to a recorded message in which I outlined FIFTY specific traits I was looking for in a mate. I rated each man on a scale of one to ten, based on his response. This was before internet and speed dating. I screened about 100 guys over the phone, met fifteen, and chose my husband. It was between him and a lawyer with a limp. I rated my husband an Eight.     (No offense to people with a limp; I limp often.)

8. Throughout my childhood I had detailed dreams about how my pets would die. I would wake up in the night and go running to my mom’s bedroom. About seven days later following my dream, the pets would die exactly as I had described. I had a pet cemetery in my backyard.

9. One of my most embarrassing moments in high school happened when I reached into my purse to grab some change and accidentally flung out a sanitary napkin across the crowded school cafeteria. Three of the most popular boys were standing nearby, and one bent down to retrieve the pad for me.

10. The one time we went to Maui, we experienced the worst storm they’d had in years. The sewers overflowed and the beaches were all closed. We spent the first few days inside the condo watching television. At night I worried about the water rising and taking my life. Later in the week, I threw up on the whale watching boat. The instructions were to throw up over the side of the deck. No one told me this didn’t mean from the top deck. My son screamed, so the whole boatload could here: “Stop Mom, you’re killing the fish!” But he didn’t have to worry, as I threw up all over the bottom level of the boat.

To Ponder 

My son with Aspergers, as I tucked him into bed last night, completely serious tone, said:

“I can’t wait to live in a retirement home. So everyone will take care of me.” ~ Joe, age 13

 

 

To Motivate

Kindred Spirit Posted a Great Series of YouTubes Wayne Dyer on appreciation.

Kindred Spirit this reminds me of you: “No Limit People are human beings that take what they are and accept it. And don’t tell themselves that somehow they are deficient because of anything about themselves.” ~ Wayne Dyer

 

 

To Remember

I love you just the way you are.

This is dedicated to my new friend Alien Hippy.

Strum for Me 

Strum for me

Sweet gentle man

As guitar as to harp

Muses fuse

And harp beats still

by Samantha Craft, May 2012

 

 

You are so Beautiful to Me. This means you.

Day 94: Samtastico the Avenger’s Gobbledygook and Missing Slipstream Download

| Aspergers Girls

Sometimes I am an intense painter opening the art gallery doors to the crowds; only to observe the patrons scratching their heads in confusion at my masterpiece that I have come to slowly realize resembles an abstract of a close up donkey butt.

Free Wallpaper at fwallpapers.com/view/funny-donkey

Sometimes I am a self-inflated preschooler that longs to share hygiene facts, like the garlic cream I rubbed on my shoulder to try to erase these weird skin growths I’ve acquired since occupying the dark and humid northwest.

Sometimes I am an overloaded sponge of thoughts and images pounding my head in rapid procession into the pinewood computer table.

Sometimes I am a teary-eyed poet dripping my melancholic prose across the space called cyber.

Today I am Crazy Frog rocking out and longing to paint a donkey butt abstract.

Be Happy. Sing with Me, now!

By the end of this prose you will be one of the privileged few people in this universe that understands the title of this post. This understanding will gift you with undeniable powers to peruse through almost any of my other writings with a knowing nod of recognition and sympathy. Welcome to the Sam Zone!

One of my blogging pals, a cool male kindergarten teacher and natural poet, calls my writing Samtastic.  Sometimes. Well, at least twice. Now that I’m thinking about it, I’ve written ninety-four posts and he has only used that word two or three times. What is that percentage?

Regardless of the stats, the word Samtastic is part of the reason I contemplate changing my legal name to Sam. How cool to have the mantra: Samtastic. I’d add a letter O to the end though, to make the word pseudo-Italian. I dare you to say Samtastico without a smile and without moving your hands in gesture. Anyone craving calzones smothered in mozzarella besides me?

Those that have been reading my prose—aka: contemplative poetry, quirky tales, vivacious rambles, verbose lists—have likely heard mention of The Geek Posse. Well, they’ve been collaborating in a Samtastic way to assist me in reaching conclusions about my little life. Go team brain!

The collaboration is akin to having an extended coffee chat with a dear friend, laughing and crying hysterically together, and then sharing that mutual glow of having just solved all the world’s problems in one sitting! Only with the Geek Posse, the participant is just solo-me and select spheres of my brain.

With the help of the posse, I’ve recently realized (probably nine weeks later than my longtime faithful reader: aka George) that in the passing months, I inadvertently ventured into a warped time zone, and magnificently morphed into Asperger’s Woman: Avenger of all Things Aspie!

See my little cape? It’s red and blue starred with purple zigzags and lemon drops.

I’m finally coming out of a tailspin into Aspie Land and realizing my life is much more than Aspergers.

Amazing. I know!

This decreases my abstract donkey-butt longing from boil to simmer.

Sidetrack: Many Literary Advice Books ardently advice would-be authors to not use adverbs too often. But the combined ly letters intrigue me. The books also warn not to ramble, go off tangent, and use made up words. That’s why I burned all my writing manuals and used them as a source of heat when we had the three-day power outage during January’s snowstorm.

Back to the Geek Posse, two days ago, while fasting and listening to mantras, guru me had a wonderful series of images flash through my mind regarding my association with Aspergers. I call this experience of seeing images fly, flap, and belly flop across my mind: downloading. During downloading, I receive information, possibly from galactic powers, angels, or intelligent interactive bacteria. It’s quite a Jungian experience, liken to the collective unconscious slipstream propelling me forward in extremely vivid thought.

This time after downloading the information and reading the words to myself, I heard a very serious female voice, similar to Captain Kathryn Janeway from the Starfleet Starship USS Voyager.

Look What I Found! Totally Unrelated and Totally Awesome!

Sidetrack: How do I know Captain Janeway’s voice? Remember I married a science major, a euphemism for smart geek who likes all things Trek-like. Remember, too, I have Aspergers, so I was rather clueless about what a science major really meant beyond the periodic table. The same cluelessness I had about three boys equaling perpetual dirty area under toilet.

Awesomeness in Geek Format!

Sidetrack: I just looked up Fun Facts about the Periodic Table and there was nothing fun at all. Just a bunch of confusing questions, like: Which is the lightest element with an atomic symbol that is also a US state postal code? Really? That’s fun?

I also found Periodic Table Puns like:

What do you do to flowers? Platinum

What a doctor does to his patients – Cur ium, Hel ium, or Bari um

I’m still trying to decide if this means the doctor is giving a barium enema or burying them. One of my superpowers is the ability to crack myself up, and I guess also composing downloaded prose from beyond and hearing the voice of female space captain. Hmmm? And they let me teach children.

Tomorrow, I’ll read some more of those Periodic Table Fun Facts before I write, so I can be in a serious mood when I introduce the downloaded slipstream. For now, all the serious parts of me Argon. So be good until tomorrow. Because I’ve got my ion you! HeHe (2 isotopes of helium).

Samtastico Quiz. Pass or fail. If you can now understand the title of this post you pass. If not, at least you learned a barium joke!

I wonder if this person is one of my followers. That would make sense.

Day Forty: 13 Mouth Facts

| Aspergers Girls

 

Each and everyday, many people in the blogging realm are typing in the search terms 13 or mouth. Guess one place their glorious search takes these inquiring minds? Yep! You’re such a smart cookie! Right here: the happy little place of Everyday Aspergers.

Because of the lovely search term mouth, my Proverbial Foot in the Mouth post keeps ranking in the top five out of all my blog posts.

I can understand the obsession with the awesome number 13. Who doesn’t love number 13 facts? But why are numerous earthlings searching for the word mouth? Is it something to do with the Mayan calendar?

My middle-son offered studiously, when queried about the blogging-mouth-hunts, “It’s quite obvious, Mom. They are looking for a good dentist, and want to see what type of job the dentists are doing.”

Great thinking. But when I think of people searching for the word mouth, my mind doesn’t go in that exact dentist-handy-work direction.

One can only hypothesize.

Because I cannot control the search term mouth from boosting a post’s ranking—a post I consider mediocre in comparison to the other grand knowledge found  on this mighty blog—today I have spent many, many hours searching for 13 intriguing mouth images and  13 facts about mouths.

My favorite part was Googling: “Do Hippos Really Fart through their Mouths?”  I still don’t know. Although, I found some disturbing YouTube videos on the subject matter. Okay, without further nonsensical ado, I present a one of a kind list of 13 Mouth Facts.


13  Mouth Facts

People whose mouths have narrow roofs are more likely to snore.

It takes food seven seconds to go from the mouth to the stomach.

In Pennsylvania you may not catch a fish by any body part except the mouth.

A jellyfish passes waste material through its mouth.

An average dog’s mouth exerts 150 to 200 pounds of pressure per square inch.

A person cannot taste food unless it is mixed with saliva.

The crocodile bird flies into the open mouth of a crocodile and cleans its teeth for it.

The snail’s mouth is no larger than the head of a pin, but it can have over 25,000 teeth.

It takes more muscles to frown than smile.

Your tongue is the strongest muscle in your body.

Some moths never eat anything as adults because they don’t have mouths. They live on their caterpillar energy.

When a person pees a small deposit of urine enters the mouth through the saliva glands.

Just as we all have unique fingerprints, we all have unique tongue prints.


The Geek Posse Chimed in on more random facts “we” found while surfing the net.

Sir Brain: 80% of the brain is water.

LV: You cant’ tickle yourself!

Prophet: The sentence “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog” uses every letter of the alphabet.

Crazy Frog: A group of frogs is called an army.

Little Me: Scientists say the higher your I.Q., the more you dream.

Phantom: A duck’s quack doesn’t echo. No one knows why.

Elephant: One pound of peanut butter typically contains up to 150 bug fragments and 5 rodent hairs.

OCFlea: A female flea consumes 15 times her own body weight in blood every day.

Crazy Frog cites the example of this anomaly as a side lesson: A frog when dropped should move towards the ground. If the frog remains in mid-air, the levitation would be considered an anomaly. Or considered super darn Matrix-Cool!


Sam Craft's Mouth. Or I guess, teeth!


Note: I have not confirmed all of these facts to be truthful. Please never rely on the validity of the Internet or the validity of Crazy Frog.