333: Long overdue…It’s “Official”

How cool is it that this is number 333 post? I loveeeeee the number three! Always have, always will. He is cute and springy and sweet and funny. Number three rocks. And there are three number threes!

It’s like the threes are celebrating the fact that I received my “official” diagnosis!

Yes, indeed…. Who would have guessed, but a psychologist has concurred (very kind man) that it is true, I am Aspergerian.

So it’s official; whatever that means.

Oddly enough, the whole validation of my “condition” was anti-climatic, as I was in a very serene and calm mood during my last appointment.

I kept waiting for the jolt of “Yeah, Baby” to hit me. But alas it never came.

I analyzed this lack of Wow-Factor for quite sometime, and concluded this balance of emotions was a positive and beneficial thing.

My freedom of self is expressed quite clearly in this recent painting called Surrender.


More recently, three hours last night, and two hours this morning, I worked on this piece. It is filled with emotion and energy for me. This one is called Home.


Interestingly, when I paint, I am mostly using a paper-towel as my tool. I start of with drawing free-formed designs with a pencil, letting spirit move me. Then I add some paint in globs. Then I rub off the paint and see what starts to pop out. I follow no rules and use odd techniques.

Mostly, I feel like a genius-sculpture waiting for the canvas to speak to me.

I have a unique perspective on images. I see things in my paintings and strongly, to the point of distraction and physical sensations, feel the energy.

I didn’t like this image in my original painting. The shape seemed dark to me, almost evil. It looks like a dead animal or beast. I had to remove this by erasing with water and adding more paint.


This image really bothered me, too.


Often parts of my works feel heavy and unfinished, and I have to erase, reapply, and step back. If I see an image I don’t like in a painting, like this one above, of a succubus hooked on to the teddy bear’s head, I have to restart and free the energy. I have to remove the energy vampire, so to speak.

I feel this energy intensely, and feel it is either attached to me, a loved one, or both. So I rework and rework the piece until the energy is released.

I can recognize so much healing during the process, and I become almost hypnotic and lost in my creation.

The painting experience is similar to writing, wherein I cannot use certain colors, brush strokes, angles, shapes, etc. (with writing it is words, sentence structure, rhythm, etc.) without feeling a blockage that I must remove.

For me, everything in life is alive with energy: words, colors, shapes, feelings.

All in all, the art of painting is becoming a soothing mechanism for me both energetically and emotionally.

I am pleased with this new Painter aspect of me: the breaking through of self and displaying of self on canvas. It is another form in which I feel someone might be able to see me beyond the facade of my human flesh/costume.

I still find the creation of faces doubly-daunting, as I cannot grasp faces, not others’ and not even my own. So I am struggling with the releasing of “face.” A concept I find mimics my own personal trials: That of releasing the image of self.

I have a great sense of peace, as of late; partially because I stopped taking this hormone pill that was making me have complex, rapid thoughts (can you imagine!! as my thoughts are already so complex!)…induced hyper-thyroid. But mostly because I have started to listen to my own self. I have started to believe in the magic of the world again. I have started to see that inside of me is so much beckoning to get out. And I have chosen the magic over the misery. Something that is long overdue.


331: Just Art (An art idea)

I took my original charcoal piece and painted over it; then I washed it clean with water and paper towel; then I outlined all the shapes I could still see with marker; then I rubbed on different watercolor paints.

The original was all abstract except for the face in the center. And likely I drew the hearts consciously. When I look at the charcoal photo, I see Jesus above me and his hands (left of me) wrapping around. I see a Holy Spirit above, hovering to the right.

I’m a bit sad I painted over the charcoal, but the experience was interesting.

Apparently I love turtles and fish and crosses.

This might be a worthwhile project for someone who wants to take a peek at their subconscious. If you do this, I’d love to see your final image. I thought of this idea on my own, through trial and error.

1) Purchase Canvas, watercolor (tubes), permanent marker, brush, and charcoal
2) Draw random lines and doodles with charcoal (one hour)
3) Paint over with multiple watercolors (one hour)
4) Rub off most with wet paper towel (five minutes)
5) Outline all in permanent marker(one hour)
6) Paint sections and smear with paper towel (half hour)


^original charcoal piece





277: Painting My Angst

I like goals. I like plans that have an end result.

Painting or any art, is VERY HARD for me to do.

This morning I had so much angst, and I needed to release it.

I took out this canvas and oil paints. And had at it. I don’t even have paint brush cleaner, yet. Oil paints do not dissolve in water, I learned.

I blasted music from August Rush. I squirted tubes of paint, used assorted brushes, and made quite a mess of red on my sleeve. It symbolized the blood of my tears, I figure.

The first hour of painting was all confusion, worry about end product, about not being good enough.

I started putting that frustration into the painting itself—layers upon layers of personal angst atop painting angst, along with many other emotions.

I slowly started to let myself be. It was liberating, though still very uncomfortable.

By the end of the second hour, I said what the heck, and let loose.

I am hoping to continue to paint some more pieces and release a new part of myself onto canvas.

Painting isn’t as comforting to me as words and writing are, and isn’t what I would consider my “gift” or “skill.”

But that is the entire point for me: to explore something without trying to perfect, prove, teach, show, or learn.

To do something without an end goal or audience in mind.

I like to step away from the painting and look at it from far away.