Day 211: There Once Was a Little Girl Named Sam

There once was a little girl named Sam.

She spent her day in the wilderness amongst the walnut orchards and the towering oak trees, playing in the fields of tall grass. She was friends with all creatures grand and small. Every part of life was fascinating. Her own skin soft and delightful. The pink of her dog’s nose poking through where the black had worn away, a wet treat. The ants she watched with fascination. The wind she breathed in to catch. And the sky was her endless dream.

Nothing was missing or out of place. Everything moved as ordained in a perfect circle of give and take. Every part fit into place to make a glorious time, much as the intricate makings of a clock. All moved to produce one. All moved continually, and changed, and came back again. Returning to the eyes of the beholder what always was.

This little girl, she loved to dance and be. She could sit for hours and play inside her imagination whilst amongst nature’s gifts. Her bounty was the fallen twigs beneath her feet, the pebbles in her pockets and the taste of nectar on her tongue. Love was all about her, especially in the song of birds and the dipping of dragonflies as they danced reflecting the light with their transparent wings.

If colors were her world then the spectrum was grand—a thousand rainbows intertwined to form hues uncommon to the adult eye; colors that danced their own symphony producing brilliant songs from voices of angelic creatures.

There wasn’t a want or need. Just the simplicity of moving as one with the rest that danced. She was as a caterpillar set free upon endless green, nibbling at the gifts before her.

Until the rain came.

With the rain caterpillar ceased and butterfly was born. Butterfly was lovely, detailed and sketched in nature’s beauty, and able to fly and reach heights previously unimaginable. However, now she could dance outside her realm, her place, escape what she once knew as the only existence.

From up above, her angle changed. Her world became smaller and larger, all at once. Things she knew not of before appeared, and visions, she once believed in, vanished all together. As she watched and flew higher, she began to see where she’d been was nothing but a patch, a broken shattered fragment that with enough distance simply disappeared from sight.

When she returned and touched down, everything was altered, as her new eyes could not, as hard as she tried, see the terrain the same. All was different. All tainted with logic and reason and this undaunted inquiry.

That which was once simply existence, now was struggle. That which was once simply peace, turned to question after question. Her own beauty, that she had never doubted before, or even considered, now faded with her thoughts. And how those thoughts twisted within the others, creating a band so thick the toughest warrior could not break.

And now there were warriors. There were enemies and fighters. There were people who spoke untruths and hurt. There were diamonds that were stolen, treasures destroyed, and secrets kept. She knew then that the butterfly world was not where she belonged. Though she was butterfly.

She longed to return to the land of caterpillar. She longed for her old eyes, her old ways, her happiness.

She spent her days searching for kindness, for the place that once existed inside of her that was pure and innocent, the emerald of hope and faith that others now seemed to pierce and stab so often that she’d had to hide this essence out of fear of destruction.

And so she hid, inside herself, in this place.

When she was teased and admonished, she hid.

When she was tortured with looks and words, she hid.

When she tried to be as others wanted and she still was not enough, she hid.

And all the time she hid, she cried and wept for this land she knew before, where the birds sang and she only heard their music, where the wind blew and she only felt the air.

Now, with everything came explanation and reason. Now, with everything came doubt. And here, in this land of butterflies, she wished nothing but to pluck off her own wings and wither, if only to return to a part of her own self that could not fly above and see.

She’d wished for death, like so many misplaced butterflies do. Not death from her own being, but death from the world about her. To black out her surroundings and apply a fresh coat of white and paint again, a new picture, the one from before the rain came.

But still she remained butterfly.

As butterfly, she attempted to rebuild a cocoon, so she could crawl inside and wake up transformed to the time before.

As butterfly, she attempted to fly so high so she could leave behind all that was below. As butterfly, she tried to protect herself in armor, to shield her from the coming arrows. As butterfly, she tried to smear herself in masks and makeup, to pretend.

She tried and tried to no avail, and remained but a butterfly broken and alone, who knew of this land of before, when all about the rest had seemingly forgotten.

Until the time came.

And she heard an echo from the depths of her. And whispers poured in as the dew and quenched her unyielding thirst. She was shown then the way to caterpillar land. She was shown then how to bring peace to the butterfly. She was given the secret, the promise: a ray of hope so slender and tender that only this butterfly could keep safe.

And she did, inside of her deep, carried the ray day and night through years. Until the time came, and she knew what to do.

And so, with the coming season, with her heart knowing, as the light called from within, she set to spinning her ray, set her thoughts to words, so the world would know of the caterpillars, of the butterfly, of how the journey of broken, was also a journey of hope.

And in her weaving, the light shined and shined so bright from within, that the other lost butterflies found a way to this little Sam. And soon there were so many butterflies collected, that their wings together moved to carry them. And they moved and moved together, at last returning back home to the land of caterpillar, to the place they remembered of innocence and love, to the place of unreason and truth, to the place they could dance again in the spectrum of light united in their beauty. In a place where everywhere they looked they saw a reflection of self, and in so seeing realized the butterfly, though lost, had been found.

And so they danced, because of the promise of who they were, because of the place inside they kept all these years, they danced. And slowly they let go. Slowly the armor came off.

And slowly the light of the caterpillar shone through each of them so brilliantly that the world began to see that butterflies don’t have to let go of the caterpillar to fly.

Day 208: Attention: Nutter Virus! No Cure!

 

Nutter: Brit slang for a mad or eccentric person

YOU may be a Nutter if…….

1)      You have lost the desire to fix because none are broken

2)      You reflect authenticity in your words and actions

3)      You forgive all and everything

4)      You take the path of least resistance

5)      You accept your being as perfect and divine

6)      You understand that you do not have the answers

7)      You utilize discernment and release judgment

8)      You seek to know another’s ideas and opinions

9)      You are comfortable with those who do not share your point of view

10)   You  convince none to see  your way

11)   You feel unmoved to defend when you hear beliefs you do not uphold

12)   You are dynamic in your soft and gentle ways

13)   You are a child at heart

14)   You understand that right and wrong are naught

15)   Your self-importance has yielded, died, and been reborn as acceptance

16)   You understand popularity shifts like the sands in an hourglass, depending on the time and angle

17)   You have no need to share your accomplishments, to brag, to boost your esteem, to show off

18)   You desire for all beings to be at peace but know you must begin with you

19)   You sense the energy behind words, actions, and thoughts

20)   You understand the more you feed the lion with anger, the more he grows in rage

21)   You understand the more you feed the ghosts of desire, the louder they haunt

22)   You see your reflection in every person

23)   You see the light which blinds illusions of darkness

24)   You experience letting go

25)   You have a difficult time remembering what to worry about

26)   You know that nothing is real beyond your thoughts, though intangible they be

27)   You see yourself watching your self; step back as the observer, to observe the observer observing the observer

28)   You forgive before the thought of anger arises

29)   You have urges to talk to strangers because they exist

30)   You pray for humility and love

31)   You willingly sacrifice your happiness to assist one

32)   You love the unfamiliar man as much as the familiar son

33)   You love the unfamiliar pain as much as the familiar joy

34)   You recognize there are no boundaries outside of self

35)   You realize your life is a reflection of your desire

36)   You know that it is easier to smile than to frown

37)   You no longer pick yourself up; you simply roll over and smile at the moment

38)   You embrace all life in all forms

39)   You hear the trees whisper

40)   You release expectation

41)   You rejoice in the moment

42)   You see the layers of your mind

43)   You know you are no more or less than all

44)   You give fully and completely

45)   You focus on what is working

46)   You encourage joy and happiness

47)   You find yourself looking for beneficial news

48)   You see through others’ eyes

49)   You speak to connect

50)   You count and share your blessings

51)   You cease searching for flaws

52)   You are stable even as the singular mind ebbs and flows

53)   You know you are interconnectedness

54)   You are calm in your unfolding

55)   You do not require validation of your worth

56)   You have sudden urges to create without need of recognition

57)   You can hear your own voice cheering

58)   You listen to the voice beneath the voice, the need beneath the need, the want beneath the want

59)   You move in the world without manipulation, ill-will or deception

60)   You shine bright and bold

61)   You radiate acceptance and provide a safe haven

62)   You know suffering cannot be categorized

63)   You remove all pride

64)   You no longer dream of success

65)   You embrace all emotions and all facets of being

66)   You hunger for knowledge, until you accept there is only the still voice within

67)   You have moments of overwhelming joy interwoven within an abiding inner calmness

68)   Every sound is your symphony

69)   Every person your story

70)   Every word life

~ Samantha Craft, August 2012

 

Day 204: F*** the Dark Voice

F*** the Dark Voice

I’m sick of your taunting, as if you are right, as if you even know

You are slime, like at the bottom of my fish tank, only more fouler, like the smell of the runs

You linger there, in your toilet bowl of scummy mess and await me like the monster Grendel

I do not like you, not one bit, and would hate you, if you were even hate-able

But you’re not, not worth the hate

I wouldn’t decorate you with the compliment

You foul creature I despise

If I could pick you apart, I would start at your heart, or where your heart should be

But you only have a shadowed center, a phantom form, something I cannot touch

That no one can reach

You hide in not existing

You hide in not being there

But yet you taunt louder than a thousand soldiers stomping across enemies’ graves

You don’t even know me

But I think you do

You can’t even see me

But I think you can

You are such a mystery, that if I could admire the maggots crawling out of my rotting dog’s flesh, then I’d admire you

In the way I look at fungus on the skin, or in the way I feel my heart skip a beat

I would admire you with fear and disgust

And that is what you wish

That is what you ingest

Complete fear and disgust

You long for me to take my own self apart, piece by piece

To fear my own body, my own form

Because you are jealous in your non-existence

If you could extinguish me, you can then live

But I laugh at you, you creeping ghost of dark

For I am light, and I shall burn you to a crisp

Take you out before your spindly tentacles reach me

And I shall shine upon your evil breath

The way the scope of knowledge shines against the tainted rulers of masses

And we together shall rise and wash you out

No matter you are invisible and dark

No matter you are unreachable

We shall find you in our souls and bleed you out

And feed you to the tigers of fish

So they can nibble upon you and fertilize the world with your drought

Be gone great master of trickery and ghastly thoughts

Be gone all of your ways that torment this being

For I am no longer alone

And my light multiplied shall corrupt your plans

And leave you helpless, spineless and begging for mercy

And then, in our light, we will scoop you up

Babe in arms, and examine your sweetness, your words, your outcry

And find ourselves staring back with the tender longing for love

~~~~

Samantha Craft, August 2012

Day 199: If My Heart…

If My Heart…

If my heart were a river I would pour out and cleanse, cascade upon furrowed brow and kiss droplets of hope into cherished vase, filling the memorized grooves with relished joy

If my hands were a tiger I would romp upon you, creep into the caverns of your folds, where flesh hides secrets behind the woven mask of unrest, devouring the enemy of uncertainty

If my voice were a jungle I would swing from vine to vine, wrap you in canopy’s green until weary of delight, then slither and wind round your limbs with hissing desire

If my eyes were a waterfall I would forge into you, pounding with sweetness until with heated breath you collapse into the coolness of my welcoming, unsheltered in naked awareness

If my lips were a butterfly I would burst and fly forth to the nectar, escaping the dark fertile grounds to reach the narrow opening of acceptance, and merge there, face to face with delectable taste

If my body were a mountain I would explode from the fury of expectation, cutting a passageway through for traveler desired, the birthed fragments of rock my testimony of future gifts

If my mind were a raven’s nest I would shelter thoughts of the sun weaved through auburn hair, the gape of diamond neck, the peak of temple, the valley of chest

If my time were an artesian well I would spring forth and seize the last drops of love, and spoon the remnants into a symphony of water, where forever I would swim in the hallowed place of you

~~~~

By Samantha Craft, August 2012

~~~~~

Day 196: In the Bright of my Eyes

Something to brighten your day by Bright Eyes

*

I used to be afraid you’d only see a part of me, a piece, a section, a part I didn’t want you to see.

I used to think if I didn’t show all my parts as best as possible, all the time, then you might come at the wrong time, see the wrong parts. Not like what you see. Not want what you see.

I used to think my heart is so full I need to gush everything out all at once right now, or you will not understand, you will not realize, you will not get me.

I used to think that if you did not understand me, you could not love me, if you did not find all the treasures within me, you would not cherish me. I used to think I had to do it all, all the time, for you to care.

I used to think I was separated, divided, all these pieces, all these parts, and if one part failed, I failed, if one part was not perfection, I was not perfection. And how could you, as such perfection, love a flawed me.

I used to think I was different from you; that although I viewed you, absorbed you, siphoned you out as one tremendous and fantastic whole, that I was still parts.

I used to think in time I could win you over, with enough effort I could earn your love.

I used to think if I didn’t earn your love, I would die.

I used to think love was to be earned.

I used to think I had to show you. I had to prove to you everyday I was special, I was worthy, I was beauty. If you could not see me, I could not exist.

I used to think I was parts.

Now I know I am whole. Now I know I am beautiful. Now I know no matter what anyone else sees, my best is always there. In the bright of my eyes, in the bright of my soul. I shine. Without parts, I shine just fine.