Day 48: Death by Saliva

I awoke in the early hours of the morn hacking like a hairball-ridden feline with my throat aflame. I’d apparently choked on my own saliva and was still mostly asleep, pacing the bedroom floor while gasping for air. My throat was parched from what had to have been an up chuck of bile.

Out of breath and slit-eyed, I made my way upstairs, and sat in the cold living room under the light of a singular lamp, contemplating my death. LV (see my lingo button) was wide awake, panting and pacing in a pure state of panic, entirely convinced that at any moment the co-conspirators of spit and throat would rebel and squeeze the last breath from me.  Sir Brain refused to ever sleep again. Crazy Frog started counting on his webbed digits all the ways a human could feasible expire. Elephant headed out to the forest. Phantom was weeping in the dark. And OCFlea was in his element, strumming on his ukulele and serenading Death.

Little Me, I passed out on the couch while bargaining with the gods.

Saliva Choking Info. Found Online: “I would be interested to know if you are Overweight. The symptoms that you are describing sound very much like obstructive sleep apnea, which is more common in people who are overweight. In this increasingly common disorder, the soft tissue in the back of your throat relaxes while you sleep, and then it falls into the airway.”   

Oh! JOY! Time to find me a muzzle. 

This morning, I looked in the bathroom mirror, and I swear my chin is gone. Vanished. Took off with the night. And I have a taste in my mouth like some Keebler elves were up late lacquering my teeth with pond slime. My chest hurts from choking, and still from that nut that caught in my throat from that frozen-cheesecake incident a couple of weeks back. My legs, and basically every part of my body, ache from starting back up with my evil (Eeee-V-aalll) exercise regime. Oh, yes, and my headache came back like black magic, right when the Dean of Education called me last night.

The Dean is heading to China. She gave me a quick ring-a-ding before she left her office for the week. I will get reimbursed thousands of dollars, it seems. Her advice, to set the final part of the plan in motion, was to write a very short, ambiguous email explaining to the VP of the university that I had to withdraw from the college because of my disability. (For university auditing purposes)

Oh boy, did Elephant barge out from nowhere. All of the sudden anger, which I can only assume had been held hostage in the dark of the haunted woods with Phantom, came barging out full-force, trumpets and all.

Elephant had a thing or two to say to the dean. And Elephant actually sounded quite intelligent during the process.  First off Elephant reminded the dean, who I have to say was kind in her manner, that I would not lie, that I was not leaving the university because I had Aspergers! In truth I was leaving because of the way the professors treated me. And that in my last Master’s Program, I had had no trouble whatsoever with the professors, and was in fact supported! (What a concept.)

After Elephant’s romp, the dean was rather quiet. When she spoke again, she still said the same thing: A brief email would be best.

Within a few more minutes, Elephant got to the bottom of the situation. (Now I’m picturing butts. Sorry. Can’t help myself. But I’m stopping Crazy Frog from posting cute butt photos.)

Elephant discovered that the dean had no qualms about anything that Elephant had said. In fact she agreed. With some careful questioning, Elephant came to realize the dean wanted me to write a brief email to assure I’d receive my tuition back. The brevity would avoid the potential of my tuition reimbursement request going into the long, drawn out appeal process. The dean also concurred, quite nicely, that after I had the money in hand, I might consider sending a letter to the VP explaining the truth of the events.

Bravo! One step closer to putting this university behind me! (Butt images again…)

Crazy Frog is ever so thankful to have his precious i-Mac computer back today. Seems he’s become quite the computer snob.

My post was super short yesterday, by my standards. Wouldn’t you know, it turns out that people who read blogs like short posts! Now I have to go back to review my Blog 101 Rules again, and develop a working list of the unspoken norms and etiquette of blogging. It appears, through the act of blogging, I have stumbled upon a cyber society with its own set of virtual rules and expectations.

I’ll be hosting a sit down with the Geek Posse at high noon, to acknowledge our quirky-cute, uniqueness and our right to be however we wish to be in any society, cybernetic or not. Though, I predict the whole meeting will turn into a Matrix  (virtual reality) debate, where Crazy Frog searches out the boundaries of his existence, and theorizes he is existing in some simulated world anyhow. Regarding their existence, I imagine I’ll have to console LV and Sir Brain with dark organic truffle chocolate, yet again.

And then by sundown, I’ll inevitably find myself gasping in the night with no chin. Such is the story of my life.

The Muppet Matrix. For all my fellow Geek Posse Folks

Happy St. Patrick’s Day

6 thoughts on “Day 48: Death by Saliva

  1. Hi there. Sorry you had the experience. Sounds by the description much akin to a fairly common acid reflux condition caused by the weakening of the sphincter between the top of the stomach and the goozle. It allows acid to spill from the stomach when the person is lying down, into the goozle, where the tissue’s not prepared for acid. People who share the condition with you [if that’s what’s responsible] take a lot of precautions to make certain it doesn’t happen more frequently than can be avoided. Chocolate is pure poison to those of us with acid reflux disease. Hope your experience is explained otherwise. Goode luck. J

    1. Thanks Old Jules. I’m hoping I can fix it by dropping a few pounds. Appreciate the sympathy. I’ll be steering away from all chocolate. Thanks for the sound advice and stopping by. Tipping my hat to you. Always great to “see” you. ~ Sam

  2. Well the good news is that you will be getting reimbursed! And zebra butts always make things better! 🙂

    I am sorry that you have gone through all of this, but you are doing such a wonderful job sharing this experience and I know that it will be and is helpful to so many people. Still I wish you didn’t go through all of it.

    My husband told me when I decided to start a blog that I need to keep it at a max of 500 words, keep it direct, focused, and most people like it with funny nuggets peppered through. Two years later I have yet to master the rules. I am very wordy, and I hope that my posts help people, but I had to come to the conclusion to accept I will very rarely make a post that is 500 words or less.

    My 500 word posts are used for my quick mind dumps on Tidbits. Hee hee Otherwise I would be writing a post every few hours on my other blog!! That would not be good at all.

    I enjoy reading your posts long or short. 🙂 “The Muppet Matrix.” Hilarious!

    1. 🙂 We have such like-minds. We both like zebra butts and muppet matrix!

      Such supportive words. You have a knack for going right to the heart of what I’m trying to express, not missing a clue, and coming up with very kind words. Here’s to being “us” whether in a cyberworld or in the real world. Whatever “real” is. HUGS. Blowing of happy bubbles coming your way. I always look forward to hearing from you. So nice to be “got” in this world (as in you “get” me—but you probably figured that out.)

      Thanks and I’m so relieved you like my posts long or short! 😉

  3. I misread your title as “Death by Salvia” and was horrified, imagining that you’d smoked some awful herb.

    Okay. My husband and son just walked into the room. My son is trying to shave hubby with his electric razor and they are bickering over whether or not Papa needs his eyebrows. Time to go, I think I’m next!

    I love your blog, short or long.

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