Day 46: Vampires, Naked People and Amazing Super Power Jeans

I did the unmentionable this morning—I stepped on the scale. I’m hearing horror music in my head, like from the shower scene in Psycho.

I’m not on speaking terms with food. I’m so over eating.

As in done with chewing all together. I need someone to stick an IV (intravenous tube) in me with a nutritional drip of fresh-juiced organic fruits and veggies. Then I need someone to remove my refrigerator, my pantry, to cook for my children, and escort me to the athletic club. I need a cook, an athletic trainer, and blinders—like the horses wear. Actually, I probably need all my senses blocked. I can see myself with blinded-eyes, arms stretched out, feeling my way to find the food, like some starved zombie. I can see me with my pointy chin in the air and my nose twitching, as I sniff out the sweet and sours. I can even see me, once absent of all my senses, except the ability to taste, walking around aimlessly licking things.

Maybe that psychic was right! Maybe I was a dog in my past life!

I try to workout, I do. I’ve done the dance and yoga thing. Even the occasional treadmill in the dark room at our gym. A whole darkened room dedicated to those of us who don’t want to be seen with our fat jiggling. What a concept!

I’ve got this mind-boggling, athletic club phobia happening at the moment. Some of you know what I mean. All of the sudden the gym becomes this monstrosity of the mind. You can’t figure out how to get yourself to go, but yet you have this running tape in your head telling you that you should go. And then you promise yourself you will, or make some excuse.

My excuses are actually quite good. Forgetting for a moment that I’m disabled and I actually undergo substantial pain exercising, I’ve got a long list of reasons that home is better than the gym. Basically, what it boils down to (odd word phrase to picture) is the following:

dyslexia (makes dance classes hard)

body odor and odd body movements (makes yoga class hard)

naked people (makes the locker room hard)

sweat and germs (makes the treadmill room hard)

People in general (makes leaving the house hard)

Hard as in not comfortable, as in a mattress you wish you never bought.

Of course, this time of year, the outdoors aren’t super inviting. I did choose to live in one of the wettest US states imaginable. Which does indeed make for supple skin and that pale vampire complexion.

Just on the way to school today my youngest son said, “Wow. So dark outside. So much rain. Look at all the puddles. I wonder if more ducks will be here soon.”

I’m convinced the town I occupy, in the state of Washington, is runner up in cloud-coverage to the town where the popular series Twilight takes place. The author of Twilight researched to find the cloudiest place in the USA, a town where vampires would want to live.

Perhaps my current location and complexion is the reason I am rethinking my whole vocation and life purpose, and considering this whole vampire lifestyle. That and now a days vampires are so good looking and hot! Which is ironic as they’re physically quite cold. An irony I probably only find interesting. Which concerns me to no end.

I like to walk. I am very thankful for these two functioning legs. But the majority of the time, in these here parts, a stroll in the neighborhood means sopping wet shoes, drenched clothes, a rain-slapped face, and dog-shivers—and that’s with an umbrella.

Plus, this born-and-raised-in-California gal is still adjusting to the temperature change. Where I used to live, if the temperature was 40 degrees in the morning, it rose to 65 degrees by the afternoon. I thought, for most of my life, that all places gradually rose in temperature throughout the day.

Here in my town in Washington, when the temperature is 40 degrees in the morning, sometimes it’s only 41 degrees by mid-day. What the heck? Not one single Washingtonian thought to inform me of this meager frigid-factor when our family was scoping the neighborhood. I’m fairly certain that Washington natives get a kick out of watching the newcomers from California adjust to the pangs of climate change. I actually sleep in my day clothes many nights because I’m too cold to undress. And I’ve developed quite the close relationship with my space heater. Even my socks and me are buddies.

On a sunny day, I have to be careful in traffic. As it seems everyone takes the day off of work, and there exists a good three-times as many vehicles on the road. Give us a little sunshine, and we’re all tongue-wagging chipper, like a bunch of canines set free at the dog park. Only instead of sniffing butts, we are all glancing up at the sun and smiling wide. Some of us even point up: There’s the sun!

If you ever think about moving here, don’t be persuaded by the green-lush beauty and the natives telling you that you can wear open-toe shoes in May. Last May the temperature topped in the high-50’s. The smart folk, they head down to Arizona for the late winter or fly across the ocean to Hawaii.

Of course, if you ever visit in August, you’ll see why we stay. When the sun comes, the land looks like pure heaven.

click to see where image was found

Despite my aches and pains, my issues, the weather, and the temperature, I do need to get the ball rolling, so to speak. LV (see MY LINGO) keeps chatting in my ear. She’s whispering day and night the likes of these types of statements:

You do know that it’s not too good to be able to pinch a full half-foot of belly fat in one try, right?

 How can these same jeans still fit you when you are clearly carrying some fifteen pounds more of fat than when you bought them? They must be Amazing Super Power Jeans!

If you keep going at this rate they’ll have to get a crane to move you out of the house.

Crazy Frog has been flashing images of sperm whales and singing: “Do you know the muffin-top, the muffin-top, the muffin-top. Do you know the muffin-top, that lives on Sam Craft Lane.”

And Crazy Frog has done the math: two pounds from being snowed in from snowstorm, two pounds for three-day power outage, two pounds for the loss of our dog Scoob, two pounds for the university incident. He figures we should sleep for the rest of March to avoid anymore stress-eating.

Funny Fast Food Video Folk Song!

I have no idea how to end this post. I’m just staring at the screen thinking about cream puffs, cinnamon bread, and bagels, and wondering if I can in fact sleep the month of March away and wake up some 15 pounds lighter. I’m wondering about the Amazing Super Power Jeans and Vampires, and thinking of a new superhero. I’m wanting to search YouTube for superhero songs. And, I’m gradually coming to the conclusion that I really do need to get out of the house more, take the first step and head to the gym–despite the Naked People!!!

29 thoughts on “Day 46: Vampires, Naked People and Amazing Super Power Jeans

  1. Lol!!

    “That and now a days vampires are so good looking and hot! Which is ironic as they’re physically quite cold. An irony I probably only find interesting. Which concerns me to no end.”

    You are not the only one. Zoinks!

    I cannot do the gym. I do all of my workout stuff at home. DVD’s and Wii thank you very much. My ballet classes are perfect because we each have our own barre and keep enough distance for turning and lifting. I do not smell anyone or see/smell sweaty excretion! BLAH!!

    I hate food. I have to force myself to eat it is just a big pain in my BEEP! I fall under the aspergers/anorexia thing. Not because I want to be thin, but because eating is such an annoying thing to me much like having to use the toilet. Toilet!!

    And that is why I wanted to be a vampire so I would not have to eat food or use the potty. (Slip up from having young ones.) But once again realizing my love for the sun and the fact that I am not really into drinking blood I decided being a vampire was not a good option for me. 🙂

    1. Zoinks! 🙂 My middle son and I are going to try to do a yoga dvd (AT HOME) today. I LOVE food—opposite problem. I stuff myself when I am sad or hurting. That would be hard to dislike food. Ha, ha: “And that’s why I wanted to be a vampire…” I’m glad you decided to remain human. I’ll let you know if I ever become a vampire princess! 😉 A pleasure hearing from you, as always. ~ Sam

  2. Once again we’re on the same wavelength Sam. I dream of lying in a coma for 6 months with only an IV for nourichment The Vampire life is enticing, but I’d never be able to hold my blood sources down long enough to do the deed. I just looked up the calories in a pint of blood; aprox. 600. Mmmm.. one neck a day and I’d be at my goal weight in no time at all. Maybe we could work as a team!! lol
    * Law enforcement officials please note, I am writing this reference to taking victims purely in jest and have no intention of doing anyone, except myself, bodily harm.

    1. LOL 😉 I sooooo ADMIRE you for excercising when you do, despite your physical challenges and ongoing pain. You and me, like lots of women, we cycle with our weight. We will get back on track. I was going to go to the dark room at the gym today, but middle-son and I are too afraid (lol); so we’re going to do a yoga dvd together in a 1/2 hour. I love that you actually looked up the calories in blood and left a note to law enforcement. LOL! You’s is sounding a little Aspergerain to me! Hugs and much love ~ Sam

  3. hey,…..wait a second young lady!!!! LOL…the I.V. drip thing was my idea!!!!
    i used to tell my friends that was just what i needed,…because once i began to draw, or paint, or write, or whatever,….that i forget to eat,…and sleep,…etc,….etc,….LOL,….but true!!! i like your story!

  4. “I’m convinced the town I occupy is runner up in cloud-coverage to the town where the popular series Twilight takes place.” – I don’t mean to laugh, but this is hilarious!

    I get in the rut with the gym, too. As an Aspie, I quite like the repetitive hamster-wheel type of cardio machines they have. I go to zone out, to read & to escape my responsibilities as a stay-at-home mom. You would think I’d be chomping at the bit to go. But whenever I fall out of the routine (which happens A LOT), it’s so hard to get back to it! And on a cloudy day? Forget it. I’ll take the jelly-filled doughnut instead.

    1. Don’t move to Washington! You’ll only be able to go to the gym in August. LOL Thanks; your comment made me chuckle. It’s interesting how different parts of a post affect people differently. I know…Gym could be a marvelous escape for me, too. But it is soooo hard to go back. Thanks for sharing a piece of your gym world with me. Always great to hear from you. I’ll be bouncing over to your blog soon. Do you want to join our Facebook group? Lisa (Alien Hippy) is there, too. Hugs ~ Sam 🙂

  5. We share much in common. I am down here in rainy Oregon where I am pale, maybe even paler than you, paleface. (The rain is getting to me, really, it’s not funny)
    But your post was funny. Thanks..I needed that.
    Have a good day!

    1. Glad you found the post funny despite all our cloudy weather. Oregon is beautiful. We like Portland. You are welcome. Good evening. Here’s to some sunshine. ~ Sam 🙂

  6. Sam you are so amazingly god i shared this with my friends and we couldnt stop laughing you are are so full of life….
    hey thanks for that washington update, not that i was invited there but one should always be aware 😆
    listen i have tried cutting off my ties with food it just doesnt work..we and food are soul mates so try throwing out the scale she is a bitch trying to depress us all the time
    hugs n love 🙂

    1. I just found this old comment from you. I never answered back!!! How terrible of me. Slapping my hand now. So neat to see your words from months ago, when this journey was just starting out. Thanks for the sweet comment. Hugs 🙂 Sam

  7. LOL!!!! I love the muffin top song. I think me and I kiddo will spend the afternoon singing it. LOL!!!

    Great post!! I love it when your in goofy mode. You’re so funny and so much fun. Happy Thursday to you. And enjoy your super power jeans…we should all have a pair:-)

  8. Hee!

    Your post made me smile. I have the same problems going to a gym. We have a little exercise room here at home and I find that it is just as hard to enter.

    Ultimately, I find exercise boring. If I have a physical, goal directed activity that is interesting to me, I will work hard. Cycling while watching the subtitles of CNN? Not so much!

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