After spending almost four weeks housebound from a powerful virus, I am feeling re-birthed and hopeful, and so very grateful for the energy to move off the couch.
Although I am still processing, I am making some keen observations. Naturally, being idle for a month gave me ample time to think and re-digest my thoughts.
I know now, that prior to my illness, a lot of stagnant energy was kindling inside.
For the last several months, I had felt pulled in many directions, but pretended I did not.
I fooled myself.
I told myself I was at peace and happy, but I was not.
I told myself I was on the right track, even though I felt adrift and lost.
I pushed myself forward and pulled myself.
Everything felt forced and contrived.
I fell into the trap of fixation and obsession.
And into the trap of people-pleasing.
I used my tendency to hyper-focus to escape life.
I see now that in blogging, I was putting pressure on myself to come up with “worthy” posts. I couldn’t write something simple or fast. I had to “prove” to others I was worthy.
I also placed a burden of responsibility on myself to “help” others through example.
I was under extreme pressure, at times, to perform.
No one ever made me feel like I had to act a certain way or produce a certain output. I did it all to myself.
Like in the past, I thought I had to show people I was good enough.
Later, when I took photographs, again, I thought of outsiders and onlookers. Was my photo good enough?
Logically, I could analyze the pressure I was putting on myself, but I couldn’t stop. I didn’t know how.
My walking, too, I turned into a game of unworthiness. I believed that if I didn’t keep walking five miles a day that I would become undesirable to anyone. I told myself that if my husband were to pass, then I would forever be alone. I told myself to be loved I had to be better. I had to be prettier. I had to be sexier.
I truly thought I’d outgrown some of these self-defeating patterns.
Obviously my spirit took note.
Illness.
In the later part of 2010 and early 2011, I hyper-focused on spirit and self-growth, reading one hundred plus spiritual/religious texts.
When that fire dimmed, I focused on returning to college.
When that avenue was closed, I turned to the outer me: my physical body.
The thing is I was never balanced in all my endeavors.
Always there remains this lopsided excess energy exerted into a self-limiting passion.
I am set to self-destruct.
Inevitably I awake from some dream-state and realize I haven’t been present. I haven’t been living.
Balance is the key. Unfortunately a key I have not been able to find.
Until now.
Until this sickness.
I feel like I don’t have to prove anything to anyone through my writing.
Though, I’m still insecure, I accept this about me.
I may always be insecure.
But I’m starting to realize there is a grace and humility in being me.
And even in my state of wondering and need for validation and confirmation of my worth, I am enough.
I am good.
I am okay.
I am tired of trying to be something or someone.
Tired of trying to improve someone who is already divinely perfect.
So for now, I’m letting go of the fight.
I recognize my new “fixation” is obsessive cleaning, de-cluttering, and organizing. Not a bad fixation to have in the scheme of things, if I say so myself.
But I am not fighting.
I am not pulling myself down with guilt.
And I am naturally finding some balance.
I am turning again to practicing being in the present and living in the moment without the need to control—especially without the need to control myself.
I am returning to where I was in 2010, when I was awe-inspired by meditation, chanting, spiritual reading, energy-healing, and the like.
But I am returning more balanced.
As I move into this new month of October, I am recognizing a seasonal change in myself.
Despite the physical anguish and mental suffering, I am thankful for the time of reflection I was forced to encounter through my illness.
I was made to be still, too weak to escape into anything but my own thoughts and sleep.
I’m starting to rebuild the fire of self-love, passion, and love of life within me. Only this time, I have gathered the kindling and wood to burn for only me. Not for the world. Not for someone outside myself. But for the beautiful being I am. The one who is never afraid to admit her struggles, her challenges, and character-building “imperfections.”
And I’m reconnecting to my higher power, that I choose to call God and Jesus. It’s nice to go home again. To be held in unconditional love, and know all will be okay.
Love and Blessings,
Sam
A paper I’ve had since I was a teenager. (During my panda bear collecting years, e.g., sticker.)
The power of words poster I had on display in my study.
The candles I light to reflect and heal.
Everyday Asperger's 
Just be you. I like you.
Thanks much! 🙂
You are enough. And in sharing your worries that you’re not, you do help. You help the abundance of us that feel exactly the same way. x
Thank you. You have such a sweet soul. 🙂
You are beautiful.
Oh my!…how you make me feel “normal”
Thank you for living it loud.
❤
You brought a huge smile to my face.
Can sense a lot of rebalancing Sam ~ and I of all people know it sometimes takes forced solitude (illness) to begin to unravel the energies that are out of sync. I have had 19 years of rebalancing now… so wonder what will happen if they cure me, and I have the opportunity to resume normal life again — I sure hope I am balanced ?! I’d love to find out 😮 BTW, I listen to this song (By Thy Grace) every single day –at least 1x (during bath before bed)… Helps me so much — along with the water and candle… dark room … peace. As for your new revelations – I think it sounds wonderful – don’t know many others with as vibrant a ‘higher power’ than you. Can sense if across the globe! Now just be kind to yourself — self-love KEY ~ nurture you and know that everyone here supports you. This is very much a “non-judgement” zones here in our blogsphere (for the most part)… I’ve been thinking about this a lot. It allows us to be real – to be authentic – shed our masks and armor … express our deepest truest self. There is something really nice about that. You could come and post 2 lines that make you feel good and everyone would come and say YAY Sam ~ or I could write a silly song about a horseshoe crab and everyone is giddy about it! Unconditional positive regard is always waiting here… as you begin your journey. Much peace and Love to you dear sea sis… xo R
Last night I went to bed worrying about pleasing YOU! IN the blog’s sphere….in no other way. lol lol. I want to start writing shorter responses and comments when blogging, as responding zaps my energy. But I love talking to you and want you to know how much I care about you. So I was worried about going to your blog and just writing “Lovely” Or “Thank you” and you thinking I didn’t care. And THEN I realized I was in the people-pleasing undertow again, being sucked in with inner-fears, demands and silliness. Sigh.
So crazy-making wanting to make everyone happy and not hurt or offend anyone. And of course, I know your heart and that you would totally understand. lol. Goof head. Goof head, I be. I loved your comment. You are so right on. I think I aspire to be like you in your genuine, spot on responses to people. I see how kind you are on other’s blogs, too. You are just a gem. Okay, I’ve rambled on. You are an angel. Speak soon. xo ~ M
you are too much Sam– trust me –if you put a smile face and xo as your comment — or said Sending you Love this was cool — I’d be ecstatic – the like button works for me too! I agree with you – responding to a lot of comments is hugely tough for me sometimes. I’m giving myself permission to take my time – or be more brief (though I have a hard time there). When I first started the blog I didn’t understand that I had to respond to comments — a friend explained it was important… at the beginning. She said once you are established not so necessary– but now I’m sort of addicted to the exchange with all the wonderful people I have gotten to know. Hard call. We can always disable the comments section? I’m just like you on the people pleasing nature — I am working on it but I think it’s for me as much as to please… at least here because I love this place. You just be you – and I’m embracing whoever that is in any given day – no matter what! xxxooo Big Hugs – and unconditional love ~ R
good to see you’re back and your quirky self… I like who you are…
Thanks Bulldog. I like who you are, too. 🙂 Going to show my homeschooled son your blog soon as he is studying about Africa 🙂
Thank you for this beautiful post. And good that you’re recovering from the virus, & good that you are journeying well x
You are very welcome. Thank you for your very kind comment. 🙂
aaaaWooooOoo! I am happy you are you.
Just love the aaaaWooooOooo! Thank you, much 🙂
Can you just see me smiling. 🙂 ))) I’m so pleased you are feeling better, it’s been quite a journey hasn’t it my lovely friend. You already know I love this post. It’s been so hard living so far away and not being able to come visit you while you have been so poorly. Thank God for the internet and thank God for His loving care and healing. You are such an inspiration, love your open honesty and heart to love. Keep being you, I love you who you are.
Balanced you and unbalanced you, your friendship is a total gift.
Love you loads Basna. Me. xxx 🙂 Hugsss
It’s funny that the posts I think are me rambling (and boring) people connect to. But I know why, as it comes straight from the heart, without any trickery or pretending. We need that more in the world. Thanks for being a light in my life and helping me to see how lovely I am. xoxox
Balance. That was the word that jumped out at me in this post. It’s so hard to find balance, to not swing from one extreme to the other.
It sounds like you are finding somewhere closer to the centre. I love the space you are returning to – lovely! 🙂
Balance! Yep. Human condition seems to be a pendulum of swinging far to right then far to the left until balance can be found. I hope we are all moving to a more centered place. Thanks for commenting. Always great to see you here. 🙂
I have been there…I understand. Be kind to yourself. This is important. Slow down. Enjoy. I love your word list. Very positive. I am glad you are feeling better, friend. 🙂
Thank you for saying you’ve been there. Kindness…..to self….so important, and at times so easily forgotten. Thank you for being a light in my world, Indigo. xoxox
Balance is such an important aspect in ones life. I am so glad you saw the need for re-balancing….It is like a vehicle that is well traveled…we must re-balance the wheels to keep the ride smooth sailing….Love how you share…:-)
Yep. I’ve been running and bumping into reminders of “balance” since I wrote this post, in written text and such. BALANCE….the inner me is screaming. I am doing better and better. Thank you for your lovely comment. 🙂
And, how wonderful it is to know that, in the end, it will all be okay – always is!
I love God,
Scott
Yes. God is good. 🙂 Love how the spirit shines through others in their words and deeds. Many blessings to you, Scott. ~ Sam