Sometimes I have a good laugh at myself, like when I think back to the other day, (actually it was several days in a row), when I told myself I didn’t need to verbally process anymore; that after 240 days of blogging, I was good to go; that everything had been cleared and cleaned out of my head.
I actually believed I was no longer troubled with thoughts and logical reasoning and cluttered ideas and inspiration and nonstop jibber-jabber of the brain. I was a housewife, a mother, a cleaner of all things grime and cooker of all things organic. I wasn’t this complex person requiring repetitive time of deep processing.
HA! I shout HA!
I actually thought I am entirely NT (neurotypical) and I’ve created all this Asperger’s mumbo-jumbo in my head. I actually thought and thought and thought…until I realized I was thinking an awful lot! So much so, that I likely had Aspergers.
And I got all twisted in my thoughts, again analyzing that perhaps I was trying on the persona of an Asperger’s person for size, actually inhaling and emulating Asperger’s traits because I needed an identity to function in life. That in truth, I was perfecting said Aspergers, as Aspergers was my new inspirational role.
Yes, I’d garbed the facade of an Aspie woman to the state of complete life-like amazement.
And if this be true, if in fact I was a woman convincing herself she had Aspergers, so she knew who to be and how to act (role) in order to function, was that insanity?
And what is insane? And who isn’t insane? Or more so, who is sane?
Then, after hamping (think of my thoughts as a mad, bad ass hamster on a wheel), I concluded, like I have done more than a trillion-dozen times throughout this blogging endeavor, that if indeed I was once again taking on the persona of Aspergers to feel safe in the world, as I need a role to feel safe, then indeed I had Aspergers. Brain Pain!
Hmmmmmm.
So last night, I’m thinking, at the late hour of eleven o’clock as I’m watching reruns of the show Glee, and getting all tingly like I get when I hear good music, that I ought not have coffee after the noon hour because then I can’t sleep and my thoughts speed up like Sheldon on The Big Bang Theory.
Then I’m thinking, I relate way too much to characters on television, and how much more superb and brainiac-ish if I related to characters in books. But I don’t. So I’m stuck as a character on television.
So as I’m processing, basically alone, as the rest of the household is sound asleep, including Spastic Colon, aka: my labradoodle Violet, I’m starting to get stomach pangs of growing anxiety, dread, and fear. I’m telling myself it’s the dang coffee, as well as my binge into the wheat-zone. (I try to avoid gluten as it increases thoughts of impending doom….like dying of toe fungus or a nose pimple).
I keep reassuring myself all is okay. That much of what I’m experiencing is bio-chemical, while cursing to the star-fairies: Why do I have to be so fricken sensitive to everything on this planet! But the reassuring (and cursing) isn’t working, because the episode of Glee happens to be about the adorable school counselor having OCD and taking medication to ease her symptoms.
And I get so tangled up on tiny-amounts-of-anger when I hear the overdone generic fallback, over used by psychiatrists (when speaking of medication) for over a decade now, that hums to the tune of: “If you had diabetes, you’d need insulin. This is no different.” And in my mind, I’m screaming, “Dang straight it’s different. Diabetes is proven and shown on blood tests. It’s in black and white. Plain as day. Mental challenges (issues, trouble, illness, etc.) are not that black and white. It’s not so simple!
And that got me thinking, do I need medication? My husband would shout an adamant NO, as the last time, some six years ago, I was on low dose anti-depressant I ended up with suicidal thoughts. My natural path doctor would concur, and advice continuing my strict diet of healthy eating and supplements/herbs. But beyond that, what would other professionals think? And what are the professionals’ experiences? And how do they know what’s best for me? And who knows what’s best for me anyhow…… And all these thoughts spun off a minute-long section of a comedy/singing/drama show I’m watching on the boob-tube.
At this point I’m exhausted, but too awake to sleep.
Next came the wave of panic that ensued after I opened an envelope—an envelope from the university I attended for one semester when I was stuck on working towards a second master’s degree; until I was humiliated and discriminated against by the professor(s), and high-tailed it out of the university on my own therapist’s advice, and my inability to stop my crying and my trembling-fear of returning.
Months later, in reflection, I realized, if the terror at the college hadn’t occurred, likely this blog would not exist….so alas, I understand.
The panic I felt upon opening the envelope was energy related to the university. The university had sent me another bill; a bill that is likely a mistake on their part; which means, once again, I’ll have to play phone tag to try to clear up the financial issue. And this sets me into coffee-plus-wheat induced terror state.
Impending thoughts:
1) What if they are right and I owe that money?
2) What if they are wrong but don’t figure it out and it goes to a collection agency and their error ruins my credit?
3) Boy was I rude when I left that message on the phone to the finance department tonight. Is it okay to get mad? I rarely get mad? What type of example am I setting? That’s not me. Should I apologize when they call? Why should I apologize? Everyone gets mad once in a while. His Holiness the Dalai Lama even says so.
4) The last time they said I owed thousands of dollars, I took them on their word and wrote a check, and then they sent the same amount back to me. What is their problem.
5) Wow, I still have lots of unresolved issues around the university. Maybe I should have sued them. No. That’s not right. That doesn’t feel right. I wonder how much money I might have gotten. Hmmmm?
6) Why is this bugging me so much? I have Aspergers, so the envelope was unexpected…surprise equals panic and fear. Answer: Unresolved financial matters makes me nervous. It is hard to relax until the situation is resolved. I feel wrongly misjudged and like I did something bad when I haven’t done anything wrong. I am looping on the word “Collection Agency” if not paid by October 21,2012. How could I pay that fast when I just got the envelope?
And now my brain spins on numbers. Months. Days of the week. And back to the money numbers. Round and round with digits and doubts.
7) Deep breaths. Maybe I do need to still verbally process through writing. Maybe.
Everyday Asperger's 
What can I say other than I love you and your hamping/looping brain. We process in such a similar way. How can anyone cope without all those loops? I ask myself this question so often. 🙂 It’s very quiet when they stop, kind of freaky actually. I know this looks like a lot of processing but I know you, I get you and I know my brain well enough to know you probably had at least another 3 more loops going at the same time. Didn’t need to verbally process…You know I am LMHO at that.
“I actually thought I am entirely NT (neurotypical) and I’ve created all this Asperger’s mumbo-jumbo in my head. I actually thought and thought and thought…until I realized I was thinking an awful lot! So much so, that I likely had Aspergers.” …….Hmmmmmmm 😉 xx
I so love you my lovely Basna. Me, BB. xxx HUGSsss 🙂
Thank you for your comment Alien Hippy. Hugs and love to you. xo
Thank you for your blog 🙂 I have a male family member with Aspergers so I have always been aware of it. However it is only recently that I also have aspergers. Reading your blog explains so many of the struggles I deal with every day. Maybe now that I know why I feel this way I can start to improve.
I’m glad you verbally process, because I get to read it! I also analyse things to within an inch of its life!
I work at Uni as an interpreter, before I qualified I worked with all disabled students, including aspergers students. My lovely lady- you have been discriminated against. You should have had assessments of needs and learning contracts. A lecturers ignorance is no excuse for what you experienced. It makes my heart ache to read this – I hope you manage to get it sorted soon ((hugs))
Thank you for your words. I know…..discrimination…true. Still having dreams/nightmares about it. But understand this was a process I learned much from. And I have a new found empathy for others. Thank you for your kindness. 🙂
i think like this too. it’s exhausting.
Isn’t it…….Then I drink coffee for fatigue….then the thoughts really come. lol. Thank you for your comment.
God bless you. You so eloquently describe my thought processes. I had a really difficult day with thoughts of ‘futility’ because although I am doing vol work which is not at all stressful I wonder if I’ll ever get paid work that I can keep up. It’s hard to stay in the moment when you get on a loop about the lack of purpose you feel. I feel lighter now, but wonder when my value in the world will manifest in more material ways. You’re right, surprise does make me anxious as I fear the worst although I am very brave in many ways. Thanks for sharing the journey. xox
Thank you for your lovely and honest comment. Many blessings to you. 🙂
This is my first time commenting, but I’ve been reading your blog for a short while now. I would be really interested to read your dietary/supplement guidelines in terms of how you feel it helps your Aspergers. I have never been on any medication because I am terrified of it, due to family experiences and how sensitive I know I am to things like that, but I’d like to be more aware of what might help if it’s natural or diet related.
Also, being new to all this, I’m still at the SQUEAL(!) “This person thinks just like me!!” point, after 35 years of people so clearly NOT thinking like me. This is hard to describe to other people. I might just print this out and hand it to my husband next time we’re having the how-I-think-discussion 🙂
Thank you so much for commenting. I try to write when inspired. If I am ever inspired to write about dietary/supplements, I will gladly. I can tell you briefly I avoid all chemicals, additives, preservatives. Steer away from most things bagged, boxed or canned unless they have only a few ingredients. I avoid genetically modified products and try to buy organic when possible and affordable. I eat mainly vegetables, some cheese, brown rice, nuts, and beans, limited fruit. I have huge salads. The dressings I use are semi-okay 🙂 Usually they have sugar in them. Beverages are tea and coffee and water from artisan well. I apply the 80/20 rules. 80% of the time I eat super healthy and the rest of the time I allow myself some treats. At times I avoid sugar…but have been having sugar in my coffee and chocolate lately 🙂 Supplements. Must have magnesium, fish oil, muliti-vitamin (good brand), and I have about 20 other supplements I take for various things. GABA helps with anxiety as do various tinctures and herbs my natural path and acupuncturist have given me. I partake in acupuncture twice a month.
Love your “squeal” statement. That made me smile. Best wished to you.
I’m sorry that happened but I’m glad I’m not alone in ‘hamping/looping.’ Though, my hamster would like a rest every now amd again.
You are not alone! For certain. Thank you for your comment. 🙂
Are you sure we aren’t existing in some sort of parallel universe? Your post today was so, so me. Right down to the end. Especially about the envelope. I can’t even open mail anymore. I don’t even go to the post office more often than once a week to GET my mail.
A lot of my problems surfaced when I was in college due to a terrible, terrible experience that had other terrible experiences on top of it. All with a conclusion by people who supposedly knew what they were doing shaking their heads and saying that they simply “Did not know what is wrong with her.” Her-me, of course.
Years later while some of the problems have been diagnosed-the ADD, the anxiety, the on and off again depression-there is another piece of the puzzle that I don’t know if they’ll ever solve. THat’s the lingering thought that I am and always have been an aspie. Answers are nice, but not always so easily given.
Keep blogging! Please keep blogging! That way my sometimes popcorn/sometimes stuck record player brain functions can have someone to commiserate with. I do like your blog a lot. 😀
Just now seeing this comment, I think. I love when people say it’s like were in parallel universes. Thank you so much for sharing. So sorry I didn’t see your comment until now. Best wishes to you. 🙂
It happens! I’m glad you saw my comment! 😀
🙂
Sam,
I don’t know if you must process through writing, but I sure enjoy it when you do! Tonight, however, I must say I got lost a couple of times and confused several more. I did put it together in the end and realize that I, apparently, don’t have Aspergers, but I used to really need to process more than post stroke me. By the way, anytime you get a letter from the student loan people or a University you used to go to…it means they want money. Just so you know.
Scott
Nope….I don’t think you have Aspergers. Yes, I am not surprised you got lost with my processing….sometimes I do! lol. The money letter was their mistake. All worked out. Thank goodness. Thank you for visiting. I haven’t forgotten about you or your blog; just haven’t been in the blog reading mood. I’ve been super busy cooking, cleaning, and homeschooling. But want you to know I miss my blogging family, and hope to get the time and energy to read soon. ~ Sam
Not worried. At least you sound happy.
I do this every night,I try so hard to pray a serious prayer, and my thoughts keep jumbling into the prayer. I think God understands. Sometimes I have to make a list asap or I cant do anything,I feel like I’m walking on tilt untill it’s down on paper, I have hundreds of notebooks. I save “Notes to self” forever. By the way, is there anyone out there who Loves to listen to the same song, seriously, for well years? Maybe thats too much even for Aspergers. This is the only site Ive ever written to. This is my second post, ever. Thank you for helping me find my bravery.
I live for lists! Sometimes I can’t get things done, unless I have a list. And yes, many aspies I know listen to the same song over and over and over. Very common. Thank you for commenting and for your kind words. 🙂
Oh, dear, Samantha. Or (I just commented on Angel’s blog like this too…) Oh, dear Samantha! Dear you, are you my cosmic-twin-across-the-pond? I really enjoy these excited-thought blogs of yours, you have a canny knack of writing things that others think, and others is definitely me. Mad as a mad bat, batty and bonkers. Glad it’s Asperger’s really, because but for that, I wouldn’t have found someone whose words I relate to, who writes so clearly of late-night braindrain and whose bloggage is a lifeboat in the WilderWeb. Brilliant and funny Sam, I know how darned achy a brain can get, but with this kind of insight, it is a good thang girl. ttfn XX Debs
Hehe Cosmic-Twin-Across-The-Pond…..Love it! You are great with words and your light and humor really shines through in your writing. Thank you for such kind words. Thanks for reading my jibber-jabber, too. Much love and best wishes to you xo
… And every time that I begin to question my Aspie-ness, something comes along and changes my mind! XD You just described my thought process to a T. I often question my self-diagnosis… and I find myself worrying that maybe I am just acting, maybe I’m just ‘faking it’.
To an extent, this may be true. I’ve begun to lose my acting skills as I’ve looked more and more into AS, simply because I’m tired of it. I want to be MYSELF, not what others expect me to be. And perhaps I have been acting a bit more ‘Aspie’.
I’m working on retrieving the ‘normal’ mask. It’s coming slowly. XD Or… maybe I need to work harder! XD
Thank you for your insights and validation and beauty, Sam. ❤ You've really helped me along this winding path.
-The Raven
You are welcome, Raven. Stay strong, and bright, and beautiful. Keep being you!
Thank you. I will!