Post 246: Inside of Me

Sometimes I set rules upon myself. Rules that have stuck to me from a time before.  Perhaps a word, a saying, a post, a telling, an insult, or advice. Perhaps the news, a reading, an article, or a thought. Rules that materialize and become real, and have a life of their own. They live. They breathe. And they wallow in me. They make me cry or weep or scream.

Sometimes the rules feel thick and deep: muck and mire and all things fire. Sometimes the rules feel light and airy, with a consistency of jello—something to bounce off of and expand into. I get trapped and confused and mingle in the ever-changing texture.

Sometimes the rules feel bleak and non-purposeful, not necessary, silly, or even stupid; as much as I despise the word stupid, the rules feel that way. All contorted, sorted, and placed out to trap and confuse. To leave downtrodden and in misery.

Sometimes the rules feel abstract and unreal. Like an invention to appease the masses or control, or mask what rests beneath.

There are rules to everything and everyone, as if we are part of some gigantic game. Move forward this way and in that direction, but not too fast or too slow, or too willingly, or too purposely. Step back and allow space, but not that much space or that much emptiness. Fill up this area. Not so high, though, and not so narrow. Go wider. Go denser. Go more to this side. Not there. There. Over there!

You see? You see the rules, how they sway and mix and mingle and disperse? How one builds atop the other and then just vanishes like the light of day; when all along the sun remains. The rules remain. They are like a haunting, a ghost with an endless appetite that eats away, dismembering thoughts and peace. Taking the peace of mind with the pieces.

I am not a woman of rules. I am a woman of being, of breathing, of living, of feeling, of experiencing, of accepting, of loving.

If you do not have rules then you cannot set me in a box, place me where you think I belong, where you think I dwell. If you do not have rules, you cannot see me with eyes of judgment and distaste, cannot build me up, only to knock me down and watch as I bleed.

If you do not have rules, you cannot make me bleed.

Rules. What are they? What do they be? And how do I stop the rules inside of me?

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10 thoughts on “Post 246: Inside of Me

    1. I LOVE how you worded this. That’s it exactly: “I am not a woman of rules, but the rules live inside of me.” That’s so spot on and excellent. It seems you put the words to great understanding, indeed. Thank you 🙂

      1. I’m glad you understood the meaning behind my words. I don’t comment often, but I read your blogs as often as possible. I relate so much.

  1. You know most people bumble their way through life, they follow a map of spoon fed rules. No matter how hard I try,the rules seem so pointless for the most part. I’m referring to the concepts passed down through the generations. How do we ever know which is an original thought, and not a planted piece of someone elses mind? I would like a formula that could mathmatically figure it out.Then I could be free.Akk!!

    1. hehe. Your comment made me smile. Akk! indeed. It can hurt the brain to think too hard. The longer I live, the more I see that there aren’t rights and wrongs with definite places, but a large area of grey/gray (I always forget which spelling to use). Thanks for taking the time to voice your thoughts. 🙂 Sam

  2. Inside each of us is a child, an adult, and something else. Those three each have their own set of rules. Our lives, in my opinion, are a mix of these three trying to get along. The hope, I think, is that someday all three will settle on rules that allow us both freedom and uniqueness and are not burdening and constricting. I am much closer to that than I have ever been, but I am not there.
    That’s what I think of when I read what you thought onto paper.
    Scott – BB

    1. Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Scott. Interesting how you view this. I have one voice, but it is the voice of many, from what has been spoken, unspoken, shown, hinted, forced, etc. A bunch of rules that stick to me that I can’t shake….until lately, as I see more and more the world a bit differently. 🙂 Thanks for being you, wise man.

  3. I have never really thought I lived by rules but instead live to break them..simply by being an aspergirl I break them. I find out of all those I know I am the one who does not conform and challenges every system…sometimes I love the freedom of that but also know it comes with responsibility so I guess you could say my three rules of my life are these:
    love
    freedom
    responsibility.
    I read your last post too and I only update my blog about 2-3 times a month. I found I needed the balance too as I have a private blog and the aspie blog and the private blog I have tons of comments and update more and I just needed to be more balanced too. I get that. Nice space here:) You really look like the actress on My big fat greek wedding and the actress and Kerri Russell a bit:)

    1. I love both those actors. 🙂 Thank you for the kind compliment. That’s interesting about breaking the rules. I might have as a young child, but soon learned if I didn’t conform I would be teased and isolated. Thank you for taking the time to comment and I wish you the very best. Love your three rules. 🙂

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