I process in many ways. One of the ways is through playing songs over and over, and feeling a full bowl of emotions. Sometimes a toilet bowl full of emotions. This morning I played this song over and over and had a good cry.
I am realizing I don’t know what it is to feel love from someone. I cannot feel a compliment. I cannot feel positive words. I have realized this recently because of all the beautiful words people have written about me. I have tried to go back to this link of a lovely lady’s blog and reread what she wrote about me in order to feel her words. I cannot feel her words for me. Though I believe she speaks from spirit and truth, I cannot feel her words.
However, I can feel when others have non-beneficial thoughts about me. For some reason, those type of thoughts stick to me like Velcro, and I carry the echo for years. But when it comes to love, I cannot feel it from most people. I cannot feel it from my children, from my husband, from most of my dear, dear friends that I adore.
A commenter can write I am the light, and I do not feel it. I’ve tried to process this logically. Perhaps it was from some of the abuse/neglect of my earlier years, but that doesn’t seem to be it. I am grown now, inside and out. I do love and adore myself; I am even starting to see how kind and lovely I am on the outside. I’m actually quite smitten with my beauty and how I project goodness.
So maybe I am taking in the words, only at a deep, deep level, like at the center of an onion or of a miniature earth. And then the words of love are pushing outward from the deep insides towards the outer layers. That makes sense. Like I energetically store the love at the core of me and then the power of love is projected outward; only the emotion of love when entering bypasses my mind and my conscious awareness.
I am liken to a vessel, a collector of love. Only the “negative” thoughts somehow get stuck in my filtering system and sit there in stagnant water for years until I push them out. I don’t know why the beneficial thoughts don’t stick there. It is as if I lack pride. It is as if I lack the ability genetically or at a soul-level to take in what others’ perceive me as, unless the perception is perceived to be hurtful.
I am realizing that I change in appearance based on my mood. I can see this in my photos. As if the inside of me changes the outside of me. I am realizing that certain people bring out the angelic part of me—the part of me I consider pure, untouched, and flowing with unconditional love. I feel I change internally and externally based on whom I am with. When a person brings out the parts of me that are more of my shadow side, such as anger, frustration, and apathy, I don’t want to be around them. But I now understand these people are here to show me my shadow side and work through this. And in actuality, it is my perception about them that makes me choose to feel the way I do.
I am realizing that there are certain people who bring out what might be considered the very best of me. I can see myself in them, and them in me. With them I shine so brightly I feel I am drunk with happiness.
I would like to find balance. I would like to feel the same joyous light within my heart with everyone, and realize at a spirit level that they do not control or modify my inner light; I do.
When I think: “I do not want to be with him or her because he/she brings out the worst in me,” I want to replace that with: “I am allowing this person to bring out the worst part of me. For now I choose the light of me. I reflect only goodness. I am a mirror to their beautiful soul. All that I judge unjust or wrong about them is merely an illusion. I am no longer a victim to illusion. I am light. They are light. And we are one.”
This is what I want to say. This is what I choose to believe.
I want to be a person who can sit with anyone and be at peace. I want to use the gift God has given me of feeling others’ energy, and instead of evaluating and judging that energy, I would like to recognize the energy and continue to vibrate at a high-level of love.
Instead of wanting to fix or change said person, or run away, I want to be untouched, unchanged.
In truth all people who bring energy to me in form of thoughts, words, and actions are only a mirror to me.
I am recognizing that it is not me looking at them and evaluating what they need to change in order to heal and be a beneficial light. It is them, coming to me, to reflect back what is still in need of change and growth within me. Not that I am flawed or unworthy, only that I have sections of my soul that are in need of reflection and further healing.
When a person writes words that make me feel something at a physical level that is unpleasant, perhaps a slight punch to the stomach or a rerun of a negative vibration knocking on my mind’s door, I can choose to stand back as an observer and feel that feeling in the whole of me. I can question without questioning, and listen without listening, and establish a knowing of what this person is teaching me.
If I label one “narcissistic” or “self-centered” based on the energy he or she is projecting, I can release this judgment without judging myself, and recognize if one is this way, then thusly am I.
I can then recognize what is inside myself that I believe to be narcissistic or self-centered; I can recognize that as my perception of self is incorrect, thusly is my perception of the outer reflection in form of human facing me.
In truth, I can hold us both in light, and understand that as I see another, is actually how I still see myself.
Once I recognize I am total beauty, then I shall recognize the other is total beauty, as well. And the reverse is true, and endless cycle, like a ripple made upon a lake, we dance. Thusly, what I still see in another is what I still choose to see within myself.
Therefore, if a person says to me words that cause me to feel that she is self-centered, I can immediately and with freedom, without self-punishment, say onto myself: “What is inside of me that I still choose to believe is self-centered?” I can then replace the judgment with a few words, such as: “I am beauty. I am light.” And thusly make it so.
I can choose not to collect the energy-pieces of judgment placed upon me.
In choosing to accept this illusion of judgment as part of my reality, when someone judges me, I can bring up the same high vibration of love and recognize that that person chooses to see in me what still needs to be healed within his or her own being, be this physical, emotional, logical, or spiritual.
Therefore, when I recognize someone is placing the label of prideful upon my soul’s energy field, I may pull up the same few words: I am beauty. I am light. And thusly make it so.
One does not work without the other. I cannot choose to think that because someone is judging me then that someone has a fractured part he or she needs to recognize and heal, unless I do the exact same to my own being, when I choose to judge another.
This is where some souls go off-balance, where the energy is not evenly exchanged.
Where there is not yin and yang, equal giving and taking, then the energy level remains off balanced.
I have before said to myself that I do not accept someone’s judgment of me as truth, but then I went on to criticize them, or reason why they were wrong and how I was right. This method is logical and from a low-vibrational place and shall never work.
What needs to be done, if one is to reach a state of peace, something in which each human aspires, whether he or she recognizes this or not, is to maintain a balance in release. Thusly, recognize what is in one is in another. In so doing, in so reflecting the truth upon one another, the earth is healed.
This came to me quickly, as I was concluding this post:
“It is the misers who keep the truth of the world into themselves, believing they are the righteous and all else need to be as them to be in light who are the falsest ones of the light. It is the righteous that need to fall down on bended knee and forgive themselves, and take heed in the word of the light. It is the righteous who shall fall and tumble and scrape the knee of inner spirit time and time again in an endless cycle of turmoil, ricocheting back and forth between two walls of good enough, perhaps superior, and wretchedly ugly. The meek shall inherit the earth with their self-proclaimed goodness, as they shall recognize the beauty within, the beauty without and shine this light bright upon the world. It is no sin, if sin is the word used to describe misery, to proclaim you are beauty as you see the beauty of you reflected in another. It is sin to withhold this thought and beat upon the wall of your spirit with hammer and nail of spite and not enough. To be truly joyous announce to the world your beauty, your love, your joy, and stop choosing to hide behind falsehoods of gratitude. When all about you there are answers; seek now what you believe to be true; seek what you know to be true. That you are everlasting grace, truth, and beauty.”
18 thoughts on “258: Choose Beauty”
That’s a lovely song… I think love (and beauty) reflects back and forth between people. Sometimes you can just see yourself reflected in other people’s eyes…
Yes, very true. I like how you think. 🙂
I really feel this. And I do the same thing with songs…over and over to heal …and I often cry too. This was a beautiful post. I find I process similarly…but I am finding myself through my art pursuits and I am actually seeing beauty! the moment for me was when I read Aspergirls by Rudy SImone. I cried the whole way through because before that I felt so alone and like I was always misunderstood. The book was confirmation that I was “my normal” and beautiful in it. I also loved the book ” the gifts of imperfection” by Brene Brown. That helped me too. I love my beautiful flaws because they make me more compassionate. My mistakes and my brutiful flaws make me who I need to be and help me understand others. Depression keeps me searching for beauty…I understand this. Thank you!
I am so glad you found words through books to help you to see your beauty 🙂 Thank you for sharing a part of your journey with me. Yes, more compassion. I get that. 🙂 We are in agreement. You are most welcome. xo Sam
I love who you are and I love your spirit, I love how you choose to see the good in all people even those who cause you to feel like you want to run. We process in such a similar way and we both seem to feel the energy, negative and positive. I think we absorb it in some kind of way and then struggle to process and filter the truth of ourselves. Our brains are so very busy all of the time. Remember to be still too in all your pondering, reflecting and soul searching. Don’t drain yourself, let go and let God….as the saying goes. You are perfect in who you are created to be, fearfully and wonderfully made.
Keep being you my lovely friend.
Love you so very much. Me. ❤ HUGSssss
You always have such kind words for me. I am certainly blessed by our friendship. Thank you beautiful one. Now go buy that awesome jacket for yourself or was it a awesome sweater? Hugs Banana Bread. 🙂
I think its o.k. to be “self centered”, in the respect that one must be centered within their body, it’s where we live while we are on this earth.A nicely centered person within themself, can safely reach out to the world. All people try their best, it is all we got. You are right, in your line of thinking.
🙂 Thank you for sharing your thoughts. They made me stop and think….More thinking!!! Is that possible? lol. Seriously, thank you for your comment; it was insightful and thought-provoking 🙂 Sam
I’ll have to give that some thought! lol You are Awsome for sharing your life.
Your self-awareness astounds me. I hope to be able to recognize myself like this one day.
I’m not sure how I process positive words. Praise makes me glow, yes… but I’m not sure. I seem to find myself constantly searching for reassurance, and when people compliment me… I feel pride, but it isn’t very deep. In fact, I only seem to feel it for a short period of time before feeling deeply unsure once more.
Once again, I’ve never thought about this.
I love your thought process, Sam. I really do.
I have no doubt you will be suited with all the tools you need 🙂 I relate to the short period glow turning into deep uncertainty 🙂 That makes sense to me. I still can’t believe you are so young. So extremely bright and witty for your age. Very good to know you. Thank you for your kindness. 🙂 Sam
Thank you so much. ❤
Such beauty of heart, Sam. May you receive my positive vibes:)
Thank you very much. You are too kind. Best wishes to you.
Sam, you think differently than I do. You have Asperger’s; I don’t; I am just a mess at times. But, I see love in your words. Perhaps, you don’t feel love like you think we should, but you feel it the best you can at the moment. I don’t feel love properly all the time. I am, I think, just now beginning to understand how love really should feel. I know it should be sharing and unselfish. You have to have experienced this in order to feel it. It also should not contain the fear of loss, at least, not the loss of someone just walking away or telling you horrible things. I don’t know how many of us have truly felt that. Good if you have, but I wonder. Anyway, I just wanted you to know that, perhaps, you don’t feel any less than the rest of us, just a little differently.
Thank you. You have a helping spirit. I think you know love well, as you are always so kind to those you write. 🙂 Sam
So many kinds of love, some I have, some I know, some I look for.
🙂 Very profound and very true 🙂