Uhhhhhggggggg! More to process. In prayer, I understood I’d be processing through a lot this month. But really? Who does my higher power or universe or tall cedar tree named Fred think I am? There is only so much a girl can take.
Thoughts are intertwined with emotions and are purging through me at high-speed. I’m on the log water-ride about to hit the slippery slope and crash! I need to row backwards, or jump out and swim, or just scream. But regardless, I’m still in the water.
I feel depleted and wiped clean and then refreshed, only to be depleted and wiped clean moments later. There is so much gunk and junk bubbling up inside me that I am in utter fascination, while clutching my stomach and wanting to barf everything out of my very existence. How I long for a fresh spring of plenitude and serenity.
People who say to relax and let go, really don’t get my mind; nor do they understand the concept of what I believe to be my empathic abilities, a skill which allows me to pick up on others’ energy and the truth or falsehood behind their words.
I am struggling with feelings of great apathy and dislike towards someone and know not what to do, or where to put this. I try my very best to be the very best person I can be, and there is not a moment of my day this is not on the top of my mind. Even when I dream, I am speaking my truth and living my intention.
So much of my confusion stems from the feeling I get, if it can be called a feeling, when someone says something and it is sugar-coated to sound well-meaningful and loving, but in truth the underlying wave is one of “ let me tell you how to be, how to fix you, how you can be better.”
I don’t need to be told how to improve myself; it is all I do all day long, focus on being a good person, and teaching myself how to do so through prayer, listening to higher guidance, talking to friends, reading, silence, processing, and writing. That is my soul’s intention.
However when someone judges me, especially when it is done in a round about “I’m so wonderful and perfect, let me tell you how to be way” I want to physically vomit. I don’t need anyone’s tips or help. I don’t!
My entire childhood my feelings were not validated. If I complained or was sad, I was told one of two things: Things could be worse or I’m trying my best.
Now that I speak my truth, at last, I do not need nor desire to be told how to be better. My feelings were pushed down, and I was only seen and validated when I was happy and joyful. I was put upon a pedestal for my looks and accomplishments, and made to be the trophy for others. I will not be that anymore. I will not have those same energy ties.
There is something about ingenuity and underlying unspoken intentions that eats at the heart of me. Something about the self-centered, look-at-me attitude that gets under my very skin—tiny bugs circulating and pulsating beneath my surface. I can feel this and it hurts and terrifies all at once.
I recognize that each person will create who I am in their own mind. From stranger to foe, people will perceive me based on their limited senses. I know this. But I sense people at a deeper level. I can see dishonesty. I can see the truth of how someone sees me; how they might bend me into a wrong-doer to make themselves feel better.
The fixers….they are the hardest for me. I used to be that way. I try not to, as I know how it feels to be at the other end. Anyone who feels the need to fix another and reaches out to do so, is in essence not looking at the truth of who they are, and what they still need to fix in themselves. Not that we are broken. We are whatever we choose to be. But the fixers, I do think they are broken more often than they realize.
I have been dealing with a toxic energy for so long and do not want this energy in my life; yet society dictates it is the right and proper thing to do. To keep this person in my life. How does one handle a sick mind? A desperate spirit that clings and tampers with my very peace? Someone who is blind to their own self, actions, and the pain they cause others. Someone who turns blame always to others, who twists reality and truth, to make themselves appear and feel better. Someone who their truth is more important than others? How do I deal with the selfish human, who I recognize as a lonely spirit weeping for love and attention, but who scratches out my eyes so I cannot see my own beauty.
The last thing I want to be is righteous or prideful. I pray over and over for humility. I cannot heal myself or help others if I am ego-based, or if my writing has an unseen and unspoken motive. I believe that the intention behind words and thought does carry energy. If I write something that says one thing but I am feeling another, to me that is an untruth.
I think people with Aspergers, and some others, will get this. There are true words, straight from the heart that flow out of the whole of me. There are words that are not true, that have a hidden agenda…those words I cannot write, and when they are tossed upon me by one blinded by their own ego-based perception, I want to scream.
But then I question my own self. Why has this affected me so? Why do I again judge? Why do I allow this person to harm me in any way, once again? Why have I not learned to protect myself, yet? And I spin out of control into self-doubt and wonderment of my world.
Had I not just said I wanted to love all unconditionally , to see the supposed “flaws” as a reflection of me. So what is it inside of me that needs to be cleansed and seen? What is it in me that is attracting this, all of this, into my life right now?
I am so confused and tired. And that is okay. I am so lost in my mind. And that is okay. I am okay.
And I guess that is the main growth that has occurred; for as I go through this, dragging myself through the muck, I can still see my light, my truth, my beauty, and rejoice that I am still learning, growing, and journeying onward.
13 thoughts on “261: Triple Barf!”
I wonder if I could email you? I just went through this and worked though it on my other private space…I could send you the posts and comments…I actually ended up cutting the tie and it was REALLY tough…If you woud like you can email me at email@example.com and I will send you that information (it’s too long here) but I really understand this and it tool my therapist, some commentators, my hubby and a few others to help me figure out how to get rid of the fixers. Fixers are drawn to my for some reason…
Hello Audrey. I hope I deleted what needed to be deleted. 🙂 If you would like to contact me, please friend me on Facebook, link is in the left column and we can chat there. 🙂 I hope you understand, that I don’t give out my email to anyone at the moment. I’m sure you’re super, just my policy. 🙂 You can copy and paste some in comment area as well. Though I’m assuming it’s very personal. I appreciate you reaching out and taking the time to comment. “Fixers are drawn to me for some reason.” 🙂 That made me smile, and then cringe…Yucky fixers…hehehehe Stay great, Sam
That is funny- I do not do Facebook for the same reason you probably do not do email…and I made a whole new email (aspieaudrey) just for blogging and instances like this- because I felt the same way…It was just long but needless to say- it has worked REALLY well for me to put up strong but kind boundaries. I had an aid for my son who was also my friend who had worked with us for 2 years, and it just was not healthy anymore. She was taking over my life. I had honest conversations with her but she never actually respected my boundaries of saying, “You need to leave now” or “You need to stop telling my children they can not eat in the living room when I just said they could.” ect ect. Finally I wrote her a very clear email that was gentle yet firm and cut her off from the services. Now I am trying to avoid her as she still seems to not fully get it. She thinks we need her. She even said to me on her last day watching my eldest daughter help around the house, “Oh I guess they will be fine without me. She helped with lunch so I think I have taught her well.” The audacity! I taught her…and they will be fine without her as opposed to their own mother…? Anyway, long story but I def believe in firm boundaries…
and I get your email policy. If mine was my actual private email I would say the same thing:)
Hearing your thoughts, always make sense to me…I totally get this. The clam up of what I want to say causes me to literally want to vomit at times too. And yes. Sometimes those people, well they are in your life and there is nothing you can do about it. And sometimes. Silence and just doing as you believe right, hoping beyond hope they will get it one day.
Totally going through this.
Is it the Aspergers or just being a human? I really don’t think I have Aspergers,and yet, all the Aspie writers make so much sense to me. Maybe it is just your honest nature, yes, makes you want to spew out the garbage that some people burden you with.
Hugs to you Sam. And wish you a beautiful weekend that cleanses some of this crap out of your life. X
Hello lovely poet. I think of you whenever I wear my amber necklace. I love it, and might order another. I thought about what you wrote, and you are right. I think Aspie’s just feel the human condition at an extreme degree, everything has been turned up, and we have to pour out what we see in some form of expression as to not implode. And the honesty, makes the truth ring raw and real. I get that. Thanks for making me think about that. Perhaps it is merely the soul crying out to be heard. Thanks for the wishes. “crap” is sooooo spot on. Next time you comment, cut and paste one of your recent poems for me, if you can. I do love your words, just not been blog visiting much at all. xo Sam Stay lovely inside and out!
I will try, I as well, less visiting, more living…Thank you Sam. x
Pure spring water welling up, pushing the toxic junk to the surface, where it evaporates for ever. All is so very well with you, Sam. Stay with it, as you’ll come to no harm. How clearly you see all this anyway, I’m sure.
You are very kind in all your messages. I appreciate your support and you taking the time to comment. Thank you. This post in particular was not one I enjoyed writing. So it means much, your words. Thanks again. Sam
I feel self-conscious telling this story, but…I actually had a dream about you last night. I’ve been reading your blog for a few months now and I dreamed you came to my house and was helping me with all sorts of processing and understanding and realizations. I was so happy. Anyhow, I just had to get that out.
I have a situation in my life similar to this. I grew up in a family that negated my feelings and has chosen to ignore and protect someone who abused me. To them, I am the one with the problem and they comb through every piece of information I give, no matter how benign, in order to build this fallacy that I am the problem. I didn’t feel I could cut them completely off – but I reduced our contact and give nothing of myself anymore but the bare, polite minimum. It’s always tough, no matter what choice you make.
I think that is lovely and a sign that you are healing and moving forward in your journey. I am honored. Thank you.
I didn’t see the latter part of your message at first. Thank you for sharing. And sigh…I am sorry for your heartache and challenges. 🙂
it sounds as if you are speaking of the cluster b personality disorders. They are toxic. What you are describing is the “slime” they leave on us.
The psychopath that I know, chooses people who were “geeky”, as his victims and his minions. Someone who lacks theory of mind, will be easily duped and manipulated by a psychopath.
You could never imagine what he is really like, until at last, you have no choice but to acknowledge the truth: naked evil.
So I spent the last 3 years studying them, both by reading about them and by interacting with them “in the wild”. In the last few weeks, I came upon your blog and that of another Asperger’s blogger. It was a light bulb moment for me. I think I have Asperger’s too.
Very interesting. Fortunately, after I wrote this, I was able to let go of a lot of the negative energy I was latching onto. I am glad you have removed the toxic energy from your life. I love how you studied a type of personality….that sounds like something I might do. Best wishes to you ~ Sam