310: I Ran from the Bully

Last time I checked I received something like 2,000 comments; but don’t quote me on that, as I’m not certain, and don’t know where to look to find the answer.

And I think that sums up what happened to me with this blog: I didn’t know where to look to find the answers.

Basically, I don’t know how to respond to people who come across as defensive, mean, and pointing blame. I take the comments so seriously that I change my entire self. Case in point, as I mentioned I have received over 2,000 plus comments on this blog, and I have answered almost all of them. In doing so, I have been able to make contact with many beautiful open-minded and loving people. And guess what, besides the teenager that was “trolling” and harassing me at the beginning of my blogging time, an action that really freaked me out, I have only had three what I would call “negative” or “non-supportive” comments.

But that’s all it took: a few comments to cause a rippling effect. I did the math. There were mainly two comments that pierced me—Two out of 2,000—0.1 %. It took 0.1% for me to throw out in my mind all of the positive of my truth and absorb the negative.

I received the comments two days ago, and I ran, and I ran fast.

I then internalized the people’s words. Took it all in, though poison it seemed.

With the internalizing, I altered myself. In a way, I cut myself open for analysis, not a fun feeling, and then, in an attempt to mend my inherent “flaws,” I rearranged me, and attempted to sew myself back together.

All because of two comments. But mainly one. I was told by someone that I was a bully and ego-centered, and that everything was about me. That overall, in summary, I was so self-focused that I didn’t even know how to validate someone else’s hurt or to own my own actions.

This is so far from the truth of who I am that I don’t understand why I would even accept this as even a glimmer of truism. But I know the words against me carried the haunting echos of what I was told as a child.

Regardless, I ran.

A day before this comment, I asked God for a sign. I’d prayed deeply for humility, for release of control, for release of want; and thought that the recent negativity was His way of showing me to stop blogging, to stop exposing myself. I thought He was hinting that I was too sensitive and not cut out for this task at hand. I believed I was indirectly self-punishing and hurting myself.

In retrospect, I know my God. I know those were false conclusions. As I know I am complete and whole in my creator’s eyes, and that in truth that my extreme sensitivity is my attribute, my way of reaching others.

What happened next, was interesting, in my opinion, and entirely gut-wrenchingly painful.

Upon reading what I consider “spiteful” words, I over-analyzed, and submerged myself in a puzzle of truisms and falsehoods, mainly in an attempt to see who I was.

Was I indeed ego-centered? Was I indeed essentially lying for 300 posts and presenting a false self? Maybe… I pondered this.

Was I a fraud, having fooled my deepest self, innately a liar of sorts?

This was the first loop I went through.

Afterall, if this one or two human beings thought so, of course they must be RIGHT!

You see this is the mind of this Aspie woman; this is what it is like to be me. This is why I hate, and I rarely use that word, but hate being in the spotlight, because of course eventually someone will be mean, retaliate, or disclaim who I present myself to be.

And to some, who can’t understand this, they will take this as weakness and silliness, or maybe even an outcry for attention, but it is not. If I wanted attention I would have used my real name; I would have self-promoted… I have the brains and know-how to self-publisize and gain a wider audience. It is not hard. But that was not my intention, and anyone who reads my blog with open-mind and a open-heart will see that.

What amazed me most, and still does, through this processing, as I have clearly and openly stated who I am over and over for months upon months; I have essentially bled myself out to the world; I have been nothing but open and honest and filled with best intention, but like vultures, some people be, just waiting to strike at my slightest interpreted “failing,” “flaw,” or “unappealing action.”

And this has been my ache since childhood: the ache of knowing I am good. Knowing I am filled with good intention and love. Knowing I am sincere and only wanting to make the world better. Yet, continually being viewed by someone as flawed and wrong. or worse fraudulent and false.

And this seemingly seems to be egotistical. At least that is a good argument for those wanting and wishing to point blame. Why not? Here is a woman (girl) pointing out her flaws, sharing her woes and hurts, so of course she is doing this to receive support and love. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. As I have stated before, here and in my support group, I cannot feel compliments; I cannot feel pride. I just cannot. If even a hint of pride enters me, I pray. And maybe that is prideful to admit even that, but how can I share it if not through words?

I get excited by someone connecting with me, when someone see that I can write well, with someone recognizing the real me. But to me that is not ego-centered. To me that is being seen and appreciated. I can absorb that. But only for a fleeting moment. Only for a glimpse. And then I am back to wondering how I can do more to help.

Where in it is hard for me to take in kind words, I do feel insult to the hundredth degree. Because innately I want to be perfect, even though I know this isn’t humanly possible, perfect in the sense that I want to walk the path of Holy people. I don’t want to be seen as a Holy person, or have that title, I just want to be that way. I see no reason to live unless I am loving more than hurting, giving more than taking, and reaching out more than receiving. This is how I am wired. This is me. Again, I can’t help if this sounds ego-based. Maybe it is. But it doesn’t feel that way to me.

And so I looped more, thinking well psychologically one would analyze me with daddy-issues and having to prove my worth to feel worthy or replace some broken piece inside of me. But I know that is not it.

I know I am worthy. I really do.

Inside I know so strongly that I am filled with Christ-love, or whatever love one is comfortable calling my love. I see this in the friends I have. They are so lovely. So beautiful. I can’t help but see myself in them.

I know so well I have light inside of me, as I have felt love most, if not all of my life.

I was a sensitive, joy-filled child, endowed with love and a depth of knowledge beyond my years. I was so sweet and essentially happy, until I began to uncover the ways of this world.

And that is when I changed. That is when my eyes became sad and my heart burdened. It wasn’t my father. It isn’t a perfectionistic personality; it is my heart, though so huge it be.

I looped again, further in intensity, thinking I wasn’t meant to be this way; I wasn’t meant to be a giver; I wasn’t meant to help people. I wasn’t built for it. If I was built for it why would I take so much to heart? It must be I am flawed. It must be I am ego-centered.

And round and round I went.

I wanted to explain myself…. but would that be ego-based.
I wanted to let it go…. but would that be denying a part I am that is so typical of a person with Aspergers.
I wanted to get angry, to curse, to yell, to scream… but would that be losing control.
I wanted to copy and paste the unkind comment to this blog for analysis and help with interpretation…but indeed I knew the social customs did not deem that appropriate at all.
I wanted to cry out my horrible pain, as I shed tears for hours… but wouldn’t that just push me further into a light of seemingly wanting attention? Poor me, love me please. Tell me I’m special. Look at me.

But YUCK. I don’t want that. I despise that to some degree. No amount of reassurance or words will build my worth. Yet, for some odd reason, any amount of negative-energy pulls me down. Humbles me further.

And I think, in reflection, that I am still at the exact same level of sensitivity and vulnerability as when I began this blogging journey. I don’t think my skin is any thicker. I don’t think that is spiritually possible for me to grow thicker.

I processed so much about this ONE comment that I became immobile in action; and then I did what I needed to do to make the loops stop!

I changed.

Like I have done in the past, I adapted who I was to fit the eyes of a stranger I wanted to please. Knowing I didn’t really want to please them, that ultimately I wanted to make sure I’d taken out all that could be deemed “non-beneficial” out of me. I wanted to destroy my humanness. I wanted to purge not my frailties, but anything that might stand in the way of me misrepresenting myself.

I believe I am not longing for acceptance, I am still longing to be seen.

And then I began to think of all the spiritual readings I’ve done. All the rules of right and wrong. All that somewhat point to the same thing: Your enemy is a reflection of you.

And so I self-persectued more.

I told myself well then I am this person; I am this spiteful person.

Though I knew inside she wasn’t spiteful. I knew she was just seeing what she chose to see.

And I saw all of my past learnings. Logically I knew it all. I even knew cognitively what I was supposed to do, but I couldn’t.

I just kept thinking what if she is right? What if I have done all this for no other reason than ego. What a terrible, awful person I be.

And I twisted and turned, and did what I know to do. I took her (their) words and reformed me.

If I was ego-based then I needed to deplete ego more. It wasn’t enough that I prayed all day for humility, wasn’t enough that I exposed myself, wasn’t enough that I spent hours helping others, expecting nothing in return, (even writing this feels so wrong but I will to prove a point), but I had to crush all aspects of self that symbolized I wasn’t representing who I was.

So I deleted almost every single one of my photos on this blog. I took tons of images of myself in an attempt to understand what I looked like. But saw this could be seen as ego-based.

I then deleted the about me page… because “about me” seemed ego-based just in the name.

I deactivated my like page (which I will bring back, maybe) because I’d only started it to reach more people. I never used it to self-promote. Like I said, it would have been so easy to do. Here’s a cute photo and a cute quote from my blog, read it, share it, and bring me the higher numbers— so not who I am at the core! But I erased the like-page, just to be certain.

Then I deactivated Sam Craft, because she somehow seemed to be the ego-centered one, because me, this woman, this spirit, this one with another “legal” name other than my penname, isn’t Sam in completion. Sam is my spokesperson.

I did all these actions to stop the loops, to stop the replaying of the negative message in my head.

And then, I thought I HAD to stop blogging. How could I share about myself and not be ego-based? It was an impossible riddle to solve.

Then I convinced myself this was for the best: More time with family. More time to focus on me. More time to just enjoy life and live.

But really, who was I fooling?

I have to write. I have to. There just is no way around it. Spirit has opened something in me and I am filled with thoughts and images all day long. Whole posts recited to me as I awake.

There is nothing I want to do more than helping others: that is my joy that is my happiness that is how I live. And if admitting that seems ego-based, I cannot help this. I cannot help if I am human, and part of me is still with ego.

Yes, in blogging there is huge fear of exposure. Yes, there are enemies out there, but what better way of defeating fear and enemy than announcing to the world: Here is my enemy.

And then realizing I am the only enemy to my own self.

Yes, I ran from the bully. I ran and ran and ran with my tail between my legs. But more so I ran from my self.

Why?

Because I don’t know who I be in flesh. I don’t know my role, my place; I only know who I be inside my heart.

I am fragile in spirit. But I am a tower of strength within my truth and light.

So why am I posting again? The thoughts come… as I risk comments such as: The only reason you said you were stopping was for attention.

I am posting because I am not done risking. That is why. I am not done risking, because I know in risk I can at last face the demons in my mind that speak that I am not enough.

I am posting because I can at last face the enemy that has persecuted me throughout my life telling me I was wrong or false.

I am posting because I am choosing not to run anymore.

This is where I stand.

I write for those that see me for me. Who see beyond judgment and labeling. Who know the pain of rejection. Who have been afflicted time and time again. I write to give them strength too. I write to say I am still here. I am still loving you and seeing you and your inherent good and worth.

I will not judge you. And if I do, my judgment shall not last.

I write for those that see their self in me. Who see that we are one in our struggle, that we are not alone. I write because the fire to know you within my own self burns so high that I cannot lessen the flame unless I reach out to find you.

I don’t know why all of this happened like this. I don’t know why I have to feel so much pain. But I know something, I will continue to be humbled. I will continue to be exposed and hurt. But there will come a time when I love you so much that I cannot help to see my own beauty. There will come a time when I can finally stand my ground and stick my tongue out at the bully and know that is okay. That the bully doesn’t exist. And that standing my own ground is okay.

To just stand there and shout: You are wrong! I am filled with light, and if you cannot see that then that is the darkness in you.

To the person out there: Your opinion is not a reflection of me. Your opinion is in constant motion, ever-changing based on some composition of rights and wrongs instilled inside your head. And though I may have felt wronged, I release this energy, and I embrace you for all that you have taught me, whether it be through the illusion of spite or not, because you are my teacher; I have called upon you as you have called upon me. And whatever I choose to do with the lesson is my choice. Just as whatever you choose to do with your perception of me be your choice. I give you that freedom, not that you need the granting, only because I need the granting. I need the freedom to release you. For you are not my maker and equally not my breaker. I choose all to be my teacher. I choose however you choose to respond to be another lesson learned. Your words will no longer create me, transform me, or make me into someone I am not. They will only serve as fuel for my passion to love others. So feed me all that you want. But know I shall not run. I shall stand here and shout, if not for me, than for all the others who have been hurt by you.
~~
~~
I dream of getting to the point where I can say: Your opinion of me is none of my business.

At least I used to dream of that day. But I don’t think I’m built that way. I think I am meant to be continually chiseled and brought back to my knees. I think that is my deepest wish. I see no other way to be. I think I am meant to be hurt, until I am tired of being hurt. Until I can look at someone and know, with every inch of me, and with total acceptance, that their pain and fear is not a reflection of me, because I have released my pain and fear. I think that is my journey, to hurt and hurt, until I am beyond hurt. Until I see how beautiful this world really is beyond the limited scope of my perception.

And so I release myself today. And I embrace my son’s words, my son with Aspergers: “Why did you stop blogging, Mom? You are so close to completion? If you give up you are letting the bully win. There are a lot of people who want you to keep coming back here. The only reason the bullies talk is because they are the ones that have spite. The other people are completely content.”

And so I write. For you. For me. To calm the burning passion. And to be able to look at my glorious son, and say, you are right. You are so very right.

Blessings and Light and Love. And here is to a life filled with so many unexpected turns that I might as well just let go.

In much love,

“Sam”
P.S. I guess I found some answers
Always and forever a learner.

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26 thoughts on “310: I Ran from the Bully

  1. I am glad that you continue to trust in Him. That is the only way one can get through times like this. It is a period of growth for you and the opening of expanded directions. All of this will be looked upon in distant memory one day. Hopefully you will see the silver lining in the clouds that hang so low. Good things will continue to come and all will be well. God never gives a gift that he does not make room for. Thank you for continuing to share your thoughts.

  2. I see you, you are beautiful inside and out.
    I know the real you and I love who you are.
    Keep being you my precious friend, shine the light within.
    You have helped and are helping so many people.
    Love you too much. xoxoxo HUGSssss

  3. Ahh, I see. Now I understand what’s been going on the past few days.

    You most certainly are a wounded warrior, Sam, and a sensitive soul. It makes it so hard to be able to live easily in the world, doesn’t it? And then people with not enough insight (or with malfunctioning insight for whatever reason of their own) get it wrong and label you.

    The negative words that other people say to you have waaaaaaaaaaay too much effect. I am the same and it drives me crazy. But you are so good at being honest about what is going on, and holding it, and trying new things, and learning from what’s gone before. And then you share it here on your blogspace. It’s so vulnerable and brave. You are a vulnerable and brave and learning soul, Sam Craft πŸ™‚

    I think that’s one of the reasons why I enjoy reading your writings. As you know, I’m not an Aspie myself (though my partner is). But I just really enjoy seeing someone be so honest. It’s not a very common commodity in the world, and I really appreciate it.

    I really struggle like you when people say negative things. Your post reminded me of a victory that I have achieved in recent days around that, one which in some ways I never really believed I would be able to get to. I had an interaction with a relative the other day, who I have found out now has greater mental health issues than I realised. They are exacerbated by marijuana smoking. Anyway, he went ballistic on me via text message on a day that I was already very upset about another incident. He was completely irrational and reacted out of all proportion to what we were talking about. Swore at me, called me a bitch, and selfish, and a c(#!. Lovely. Thanks for that. This is a person who was a negative and damaging influence to me in my early years so the hypocrisy of it was not wasted on me). I have also been learning how to properly deal with and express anger in the last few years. While this relative was texting and leaving voice messages on my phone spewing hate at me, the anger flowed through me and made my hands shake so that I could barely text him back in return. Anger is scary, isn’t it? No wonder we learn to suppress it (especially as kids). They should be teaching this sort of stuff in school. But this time I just let the anger flow, without trying to stop it out of fear. I knew that I had developed the ability to be able to feel it, and to use the energy of it to motivate me to respond to him with truth about who he is (a drug addict, an alcoholic, someone who needs help). And because I didn’t stopper up the anger like I have in the past soooooooooo many times, it flowed through me, and then afterwards was GONE. I felt this joy. This is the first time in my life I have handled high-level anger in a way that allowed it to be there and that used it in a productive way, and then afterwards felt this joy!! I am so jazzed about that πŸ™‚

    That bully and my relative are both most likely people who either can’t or won’t own something that is going on with them personally. They project it out onto other people. The easiest and most cowardly way to deal with your problems. You know what they say – the things that irritate you to that extent are most likely things you have disowned within yourself. There’s an awful lot of that stuff going round. People who want rights but don’t want to take responsibility. Learning how to handle that stuff is an ongoing lesson, isn’t it πŸ™‚

    1. I very much appreciated you sharing what has happened to you and for supporting me with your words. I can see that you too understand. And this brings me comfort, though I am sorry for your suffering. Thank you for taking the time to read my post and for commenting with such compassion. Much love.

  4. I’ve been trying to refrain from commenting, although I did comment on a Facebook post of yours. I’ve refrained because I know how it feels to be overwhelmed and baulk at the perceived expectation of someone wanting a response. So, please don’t feel the need to respond, I would just like to share with you how I feel an the good you have to done to me and the understanding I have of myself. I hope that you can take some comfort from it, you certainly have been a giver.
    I have never come across anyone or anything that gives me such an understanding of my thoughts and feelings, nor have I ever seen it voiced. I thought I was alone in the world in knowing that I was a good person but continually being perceived and portrayed as a spiteful vicious person. I’m sorry for for your pain in this regard but thank you so much for expressing it and validating it. We ARE good people.
    As I have said before (although my Facebook profile is not linked here), your traits post truly changed my life. I felt such joy and exuberance at finally being able to show something eloquent and concrete to my husband and family that practically explains me “down to a T”. It has reassured and given me great comfort.
    I am so sorry that you are suffering so much. I know only too well how the negative can massively outweigh the outpouring of positive. There seem to be some people who’s main enjoyment comes from inflicting pain on other people, seemingly without conscience. I am sorry they have picked on you. You are not egotistical, self-centered or anything bad, you are generous, kind and thoughtful. Your posts have been open and honest in a way that wouldn’t happen if it was ego driven.
    I am an aspie so please know that I am being genuine when I say don’t respond, it’s ok, I just want you to heal.
    Overall I would like to say thank you for what you have given me and the AS community, you have touched so many, far and wide xxx

    1. Thank you for your compassion and for your heart. I am responding because I wish to respond, and not out of guilt or obligation, as your words were so lovely and kind that how could I not wish to respond. Thank you for adding to my healing journey. I will hold your words close to my soul and cherish them when I am feeling the pull of sadness and doubt. You are clearly a highly-intuitive and kind person. Thanks you again. Much love.

  5. You are ‘perfect’ in your imperfection, because you wonder, because you question, because you know that you know what you know. This un-named person or persons, must be of
    devine Highness, to have ‘known’ you so much better than you know yourself. It is to place ones self on equal standing with the Lord, to judge another to this dangerous degree. I’ve read all your posts, and not once have I percieved condemnation comming from you towards another! only seeking to understand. And that is a good quality, a human quality.

  6. Oh Sam, you sometimes remind me of myself, which is good πŸ˜‰ over thinking. I am so glad you are still going to post. Writing is so healing, for me it is. Hold on to your faith, it helps us. Don’t let negative people get you down. I know, that’s so easy to say πŸ™‚
    I love your sense of humor, and your spirit. You send out joy and peace and the “good stuff”. I know this is a battle inside sometimes, what to say, what not to say. I do this constantly πŸ™‚ But here, I feel you always seem to understand what I mean. To some I think I’m confusing. Well, we’re all different.
    I love what your son said, and he is just so right about it. He’s wise for his years.
    I just wanted you to know that you have touched my life in a good way, I love your posts, and most of all I see a lot of myself. love and hugs, Autumn

    1. Over thinking? Do you think this might be true? πŸ™‚ Thank you, I too agree my son is very wise. I am so honored and pleased to have touched your life. I love that you come about and comment; I look forward to your presence and your name: Autumn Sunshine. When I first began to write I called my writings: Autumn’s Rain. I understand what you mean about some of us being confusing to some at times… but I think clearly your heart is very easy to see and read. Filled with kindness. love back to you. Again thank you.

  7. This makes me angry. I’m angry that you were bullied. Maybe even angrier because I was bullied a couple weeks ago, and I can relate to what you’ve written here. Completely. I was bullied because I don’t have the money to get an official diagnosis yet, but I’ve self-diagnosed and my scores on the AQ Spectrum test were 39, 44, 42 and 46. I can’t get them any lower. I’ve tried. But I can’t because I am who I am, and I know what I’ve been through in life. I have a friend who figured I was Aspie, and who works with ASD children, but she didn’t reveal her suspicions until I revealed that I believed I was Aspie. My whole life, and all the experiences I’ve had, made perfect sense. All the pieces fit. But because I cannot afford to get an official diagnosis yet, a person I know said some hurtful things about the Aspergian subject. I felt bullied and I withdrew.

    Thanks to your blog, I have found information, motivation and inspiration. I’ve learned that I’m okay, and there’s a reason for my behavior throughout my life.

    You are in NO way a bully or egocentric. In fact, I’d say that person is the bully and the one who is ego-centered. They are projecting onto you and causing chaos BECAUSE THEY CAN. It’s NOT you, Sam. It’s them. And if they’re reading this, PLEASE contact me so I can tell you that directly. You are nobody in my life, and you are nobody in Sam’s life; therefore, what you say DOES NOT MATTER. If you want to rant, go and write in your OWN blog and quit harassing Sam. She does NOT deserve it. It’s YOUR issue, troll/bully, not hers. Got it?!

    Sam, there are only a handful of blogs I read regularly, and yours is one of them. You’ve been a constant resource of support, inspiration and humor. I love your blog posts. In fact, without them I would be incredibly sad. How is THAT for being ego-centered, whoever that troll is out there?

    Like others have said here, you’ve touched my life in a positive way. I tend to ramble at times…but the bottom line is that you are a blessing to so many. Nobody forces that troll/bully to read this blog. He or she can go elsewhere — and good riddance, too! Furthermore, they aren’t wanted here. This is YOUR virtual home, and don’t you DARE allow a complete jerk to run you out of your home and your comfortable haven.

    1. In all fairness, this person was upset about an event that she feels I was to blame for that took place outside this blog on a social network site, and then further upset in the post I made in my attempt to explain myself. A post I deleted in my confusion, which I might repost. I appreciate your support, but do not wish this person any ill will, nor am I angry. I know she is a human being, just as I am, and has emotions and responses to situations. I appreciate your passion, your voice, and your concern. Your support is evident. I am so pleased that I have been of help to you in some way. And I am sorry for your trouble with diagnosis. I believe that the diagnosis process is far too tedious, expensive, and drawn out. People get diagnosed with bi-polar or depression in one quick sitting; not that Aspergers is a mental illness, but it seems odd that it takes so long. Put me in a room with a person for thirty minutes and I will tell you if they have Aspergers. Hopefully the process will become more easy, simplified, positive, and affordable. Again, I am sorry for your struggle. And through your words, I can see you compassion and heart. Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts. I hope to hear from you again. much love ~ Sam

    1. I like that “raw courage.” That makes a lot of sense, and feels real. And there is that tyrant word again… I do wish I knew where those buggers sprout up from so I could close the door, or better yet, magically transform them into fairy dust before they take flight…. Thanks for being you. What a gift you be. Much love.

  8. Dearest Sam
    My email inbox told me that you said something to me via Facebook; I’m sure it was something lovely that I would have very much wanted to read and take spirit from; sadly though I think you may have deleted your account before I had a chance to read it!
    Once again, I have read a post of yours and it rings so true – a tiny minority of naysayers’ words somehow undermining the support of true and understanding friends. The fault lies with these mean-spirited naysayers and not with you, my friend xxx

    1. I can not remember, as so much was happening to me at the time. πŸ™‚ I am sure it was only positive. I really appreciate you providing the word visionary for me. That resonates and makes sense to me. Today I saw visions very clearly. Both are what I wrote down in posts. It comes in huge waves in which I watch and listen, and then I attempt to recreate what I have experienced and learned, but the words can never do the experience justice. I also try to match the energy by writing the words that feel healing and flow without stagnant energy. Thank you for your support. “naysayers” I haven’t heard that word in a long time…. brings me back to middle ages for some reason. Much love xo

  9. Delete the comments of bullies. You have the power. The more you are out there, the more this kind of thing will occur. But you are doing something that is important. You are giving insight to what it is like to have Asperger’s. I understand your reaction. I used to be that way, but with some counseling and experience, I have let it affect me less and less. One of the things I learned in counseling was to replace the thoughts that would create rivers in my mind with more positive thoughts. This took some doing, but it has helped.

    When I started working nine years ago, after staying home to raise children with autism for 15 years, I worked in an office that was filled with criticism, backbiting, and gossip – some of it directed at me. It was discouraging. The song by Casting Crowns helped me a great deal. Look it up on Youtube. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FuH1faTC22E

    I chose to believe the voice of truth. You can too. This song kept running through my mind, a blessing.

    1. Thank you for your dear and thoughtful comment. I am going to listen to the song now; I have that cd but have not heard the song in some time, and forgot how much I appreciate the message and comfort of the words. Thank you for taking the time to write. I miss my photos too, but at the same time I do feel less exposed and safer, especially for my family. I will post some more when the time feels right. I know that my face likely added a sense of connection and safety for some, so in that aspect I am sorry, but I trust in God’s divine plan; I trust that even this, my struggle to continue my calling, was part of what I was meant to share, and how I was meant to be refined. I have much less fear now regarding the bullies. I, too, was in therapy; I know much in regards to cognitive therapy and thought replacement, but there is a innate pulling that affects me when someone is negative; it is like an energy I do not recognize and do not know how to respond to. It is interesting, and I know with bright lights like you, I will continue to see the goodness in this world, and gain strength in this knowing. Blessings xo

  10. There will always be that one or two who would mess with a good person and say things to try and provoke. I haven’t had that yet, but I know it will happen, and I will use that “delete” button to remove that stain. They do it to hurt and to see if they can “make a difference” even though that difference is hurtful and false.
    Sam, you are one of the most wonderful people I know (and here in the blogging world, I know quite a few). Don’t stop blogging and, if you don’t blog about yourself and your life, what else is there that is so unique? You are that; you are unique. Don’t take that view away from us because of a couple of … well … losers.
    Love you, Dear,
    Scott

  11. I decided to catch up on your blog this morning, as my WordPress Reader has been down for the past couple of months. I’m afraid I’m struggling to keep up with blogs I follow without it. I’ve been lurking about for the past couple of hours, now! In my defense, I am an awfully s-l-o-w reader. I must have missed a lot on Facebook also because the last I saw on there you had mentioned you were taking a break for a bit, but I didn’t know why.
    I am so sorry to hear that all of this happened. I’m glad you were able to process through it and return to us! Personally, I love your writing. It’s insightful and thought provoking. (I hope that doesn’t sound too cliche.) I may not always comment when I visit, but you have a faithful reader here!
    If ever you find yourself at the end of a bully’s wrath again, grab yourself a couple of wooden spoons from the kitchen drawer, crank up Shinedown’s song “Bully” (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y7NVxAMQn_I ), and beat the tar out of a pillow to the beat of the song! Hehe, πŸ˜‰
    Hugs to you, Sam!
    Patricia

  12. You just explained my responses and thought processess (and life) I have been accused many times as ego centric but feel the same way you do…it’s an Aspie need to have expression of all types to make sense of the world and also make ourselves ever carved into being. I understood all of this…and I have quit blogging several times in response too…finally I went private and have tons of support, and then have the public aspie blog for any issues I would like to share…It works for me but I had to come to that compromise because my hubby’s family lived in town and they were using my words as ammo for their religious discrimination.
    Sigh. it is so tough.
    I am glad you are back Sam. Your words make me feel less alone.

  13. You explained my thought process and life so well. I really hope you are well. If someone has used this account under my name, sorry about that. I’m not aware of what goes on or what is trendy these days.

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