Today I did the equivalent of stacking toy blocks or lining up cars. I spent a good three hours going through thirty posts on my blog, reading, summarizing, and reposting in uniform formation. I had to. There was no choice. I was on the couch, seated with my laptop until three pm, and that was most of my day. It didn’t matter that there were blue skies out, or that it was a Saturday full of possibilities. I knew I needed to retreat, if not by choice, then by necessity.
For despite my strong faith in God, my strong faith in self, and in my life and calling, I still have those days. Heck, I have those moments throughout each and everyday, where I just don’t think I can make it through. I don’t think about ending my life; I am nowhere near those thoughts. But I do imagine what life would be like if I was someone else, how that simplicity would feel.
There are times I savor the thought of simplicity. I recognize no one’s life is easy, but I too know that there are people who don’t worry from the moment they wake up if today they will be able to leave the house, if today they will be able to face the person in the mirror and recognize who they see, if today will be a day dominated by fatigue and pain.
Today I couldn’t stand myself; not in a large degree, actually not even in a small degree. And I guess it wasn’t really that I couldn’t stand myself, it was more so that I was weary and oh so tired of battling with my self. I just needed to stop, to turn off all of the decision-making, the have to’s, the when’s and where’s. I just needed reprieve.
I felt foolish at times, a mommy and wife, physically functional for the most part, but entirely incapable of doing anything but stacking her imaginary bricks, soothing herself through repetition, words, and numbers. Again and again.
When the stacking was through I wrote; I wrote to friends and then I wrote the previous post, because I needed relief. I wrote what I saw in images and heard in sounds, and I scribed until much of the angst was out of me. I realize I might be the only one that understands the prose, and I reasoned with myself that was okay, completely okay.
And I searched for the word okay further, to apply the word to myself like some special-ordered salve. I am okay. I am okay. I am okay. I kept repeating those three words to myself in scattered whispers.
I was so absorbed in not leaving the couch, I forgot to drink water and I forgot to eat. I just couldn’t move from the couch.
I don’t know why it is I was made the way I am, and why my life is the way it is. I know living can be hard. I know this. But somehow I keep going and keep trying. I keep looking at the woman in the mirror and saying bless you, if not in thought, then from a distant land, a place in the future, where I am aged and have lived long and well. A place where I am proud of where I have traveled and what I have accomplished.
Eventually I got up, showered, and went out with the family. I won’t say there weren’t moments I wasn’t crying in bed not wanting to leave. Because I did dread leaving. I listened to my thoughts, became the observer. I knew what was going on. They were familiar messages: “You are too ugly to leave the house. No one loves you. You are worthless. You are not enough.”
And I battled more and more and more. But in the end I rose. I bid the woman in the mirror hello, I woman I did not recognize or want. And despite the nagging voices, I wiped away my sadness and I tried. I tried to be this someone I am supposed to be.
Most days aren’t this hard, not this filled with doubt and struggle. I know part of my experience is hormonal. I know I will snap out of my melancholy when my chronic physical pains subsides some. And I know my brain is still processing a busy week past.
I didn’t want to forget this day though or leave this day out. Because in many ways these are the days that make me stronger, these are the days I look back upon and think I made it. I made it through again. I made it through to another day.
Everyday Asperger's 
I guess I borrowed your day, and picked the sadness apart on the phone with my Aspie sister. Both of us were feeling what your describing, all of it, from waaayyy over here!
hugs. Sorry you were sad, but happy to know I wasn’t alone. Much love to you, Alyce. Maybe something is going on in the universe.
❤ {{ HUGS }} ❤
I thought of you when I wrote this, too. Hugs
I relate to this so much…and it is so reassuring to know that I am not alone. Sometimes I feel so tired from all the thinking and the decision of whether to go with what my mind is calling me to do, or do what my home, life and family need me to do! So exhausting. I hope you are feeling better today. I am sure hormones are a lot to do with the worst days…that and stress. My mood flips completely after ovulation each month and every day is consumed with anxiety.
thank you for sharing you can relate and that it is reassuring. I was hoping, in someway, the words would reassure someone. 🙂 It is exhausting, and most people cannot understand it, which brings to it an element of isolation. Hormones are awful for me. I cannot wait until I am 50 and this transitions. It’s really not a fun experience. I think mine flips after ovulation as well. I wonder what it is that does this to us. Hugs and love. and thanks again so much. ❤
Hi Samantha, it is my theory that those of us with Aspergers traits are often highly sensitive to our hormones due to our sensory sensitivity. I identified my extreme PMS also known as PMDD (premenstrual dysphoric disorder) before I had any idea about Aspergers (all I knew back then was that I was a highly sensitive person). Through my research I have discovered that it is the fluctuations in hormones that tend to cause the most symptoms. After ovulation when our oestrogen levels peak, the plummeting of levels triggers the subsequent symptoms which vary with individuals (for me it is extreme fatigue, lethargy, low mood, anxiety and insomnia). A lot of us with PMS are also intolerant to the hormone progesterone which predominates in the second half of our menstrual cycles. My symptoms deteriorated hugely as I turned 40, and a lot of women experience this due to all the fluctuations that come with perimenopause. For me, I have been through the whole gamut of treatment…which just like with female Aspergers; there is little acknowledgement or support from the NHS…so yet more battling. Anyway have emerged from the battle with more than a few scars, but due to have a full hysterectomy next month…age 42. I now am fascinated to realize that the reason only about 5% of women suffer such severe symptoms is probably due to the fact that it is likely to be mainly female aspies. Apologies for the long post, but I hope it helps you understand where some of your symptoms are likely coming from xx
very helpful :))) thank so much
My blog is relating to my battle with PMDD and my future hysterectomy. Here is the link if you think you might find it interesting. https://hysterectomyforpmdd.wordpress.com/ ❤
I have all the symptoms… sigh… I am almost 45. Hoping this all settles down soon. I was taking a natural pig hormone for my thyroid and it messed me all up; so sensitive to anything. Thank you so much for sharing; I had no idea that my symptoms of pain, fatigue, huge appetitie, deep depression, not wanting to leave the house were from hormones. Assumed it was other things like fibromyalgia, endometriosis, and a string of other labels…. geeze…… onward soldier.
Sorry to have given you yet another label, but hope it helps at least to know that all of the encompassing symptoms are all caused by those blighters called hormones! Lol. It did help me just to be able to predict when my worst times were going to hit! I too get chronic fatigue, back myalgia, and food cravings during my PMDD and it all starts with ovulation each month…oh the joy of being such sensitive souls. ❤
growllllllllllll 🙂 but thank you 🙂
I am so relieved you wrote this because you are always so chipper… Which is great! But this day you just described happens to me about once every week or two… Quite regularly anyway. I thought before that it was an Aspie thing but other Aspies didn’t write about it! It’s me right down to organizing the blog and not eating drinking or moving until its done… And the guilt that can follow at times… This is a regular part of my existence. Thank you for validating it;)
Oh, I have chipper moments that pop up briefly, lol. But I have lots of hard days too. Huge hugs. I am glad this helped you to see my other sides, too. It is a regular part of my existence as well. 🙂
It is so hard and easy to recognize myself here, in your blog. I want to rejoice for having found someone that gives a voice to what happens to me and yet I want to scream in frustration because I can’t stop stacking those daggone blocks. It is so hard to know how to explain why to anyone else when it seems so logical to me. At the same time I want to knock them all down and run away from them, never stacking them again knowing that I simply cannot leave them alone because that would be madness. Blessings to both of us, all of us, for taking all the steps that result in a recognizable shape as we stack away.
Hearing you loud and clear. and sending huge hugs; sorry I was late to respond. 🙂 Much love to you.
First, I am sorry you had to go through today. I can empathize as I used to have those days, too. Now, instead, I have days in which the efforts to move and so on have enough pain that I want to “give up” (not die).
However, I also am thankful that you are still attached to your human side and your thoughts and feelings and have not separated yourself from who you are. I say that when I had the stroke all my thoughts changed and so many of those OCD and depressive thoughts dissipated, and they did. But, I still have my moments. I still get worried. I still remember how it was and wonder if it will ever be. But, I am changed and I look at myself as did you and say, “Time to move on.” The big difference is that now, I can move on.
Sam, you are growing and evolving in leaps and bounds. I have just known you a little over a year (if that) and I can see it. I am the same way. But we both remain connected to ourselves and the way we were. It may hurt at times, but I think we are better off remembering how it was and how it felt, so we can see how it and we have changed.
Love and peace to you…
Teddy
You are a true gift, Ted. Keep sharing your soul and your journey. 🙂
That’s why I am here.
Sorry you are having those overwhelming days…you are completely normal to the aspie world even though we could do with out them. What a fantastic post and amazing comments. Thanks Sam and all you aspie women! I am 40 and have felt such an extreme of emotions over the last few months that I havnt experienced before and Im not understanding them or liking them at all. All the usual stuff is there in its extreme form but somehow more feelings have emerged that are quite strong and out of control at times and I cannot find names for them…….hormones may be the answer??
I am watching my hormones very carefully this month….yes…they are direct cause of my increased pain and decreased mood! Can’t wait until I am 50. woot-woot 🙂