I am really struggling with gluttony. Not in the over-indulgence-of-substance modern-day view of gluttony, but in the John of the Cross way. Gluttony in the sense of being one who applies too much self-affliction, self-persecution, and self-punishment. I’ve had this “issue,” or decree of self-annihilation of self from self, since I can recollect, particularly surfacing about the time of puberty.
I get locked into this dance of enough and not enough, real and not real, opinion and not opinion, hanging myself on a loom of remorse of never finding the answers. I am stuck on this pendulum and all I can hear is the tick-tick-ticking of which way. Do I cling to the wall on the left or the wall on the right; or do I find a way to make the pendulum swing the direction opposite of east-west, and spring out ahead north or fall behind south. Or do I jump off of the pendulum and sink into the dark unknown abyss. I don’t know. But I know I am tired of my reasoning-brain, this spill of logic that dives into every thought I have.
The only time I feel at peace is when I am in a state of meditation (grace) and connection (to Holy Spirit), which I can now acquire for up to six hours straight. This time with source is beyond wonderful and the beauty is indescribable.
However there exists one major problem: I now feel like two people.
I feel like this higher-self, this ideal me, the one I have always wanted to reconnect with. But I also feel like this other person, this other me. The other me is where I am at right now. This other me is where I am having difficulty being.
This ideal me, she has it together, really does. She loves and serves unconditionally. She lives in the moment. She is pretty fabulous. She also, through all of this, manages to be humble and so very giving.
The problem occurs when she disappears, or slips back, or falls asleep, or goes somewhere, perhaps skydiving with the angels, and I am back, facing me in the mirror, a face I don’t recognize in a body I do not want. I am in essence lost, having had just been to a place beyond imagination of divine love and inherent goodness. It is this attachment to the higher power I long for and live for that continues to slip out of my grasp and leave me to wonder what happened, and if indeed I imagined everything.
At a logical level I know something is happening beyond myself. Too many dreams have come true, too many intuitive knowings, too many connections, “coincidences,” signs, recognitions, and premonitions materializing. I recognize this, but no proof seems enough when dealing with that which still remains unattainable and unimaginable, at least not in the state I am in this very moment, one of the fallen me, left abandoned waiting to reconnect with the infinite divine.
There is more happenings as well; beyond the empathic abilities, the visions, the ability to scribe deep philosophical prose from seemingly nowhere, there is my husband, whom is known to be a skeptic and prone to Mr. Spock Vulcan like tendencies. He sees the miraculous changes in me and is in awe of the visions and writings I share; so much so in fact that he has taken a liking to referring to himself as Mrs. Noah, like the Biblical Noah’s wife. Wherein I get all the glory and he works diligently in the background.
I can’t deny some dynamic shifts have taken place. My healing visions have materialized, people have contacted me I knew I would meet, and I have connected with such spectacular and marvelous people from all over the world, many whom have become friends and confidants. All is happening in a wonderful way. Joy-filled connections daily and heart-endearing messages. I am beyond thankful, but still remains this lingering doubt.
As much as I experience these visions and write these writings, I still question my own ability and worthiness. Primarily these are the same doubts I have had my entire life. I have the same record playing in the background.
Though I have much transitioned, and have gained tremendous peace, self-acceptance, serenity and love of myself and others, I still have this part of me whom wonders why. Could it be the decades of searching has finally materialized the part of me that was lost, and that in finding my own vocation and life’s purpose another part of me, the same part that held me back for so many years, is here trembling in the corner denying such a reality exists?
For in the corner I hear drenching thoughts of: I am no one special. I am just this flawed stumbling human being endowed with troubling thoughts I cannot purge, fear I cannot conquer, and tears that continually flow. I am ultimately imperfection, unworthy of the extreme goodness and joy I am afforded.
And all this surfaces, while the other me, the observer, she steps back in form and watches, her smile wide, her heart open, whispering surrender, sweet one, surrender.
15 thoughts on “363: Gluttony and Surrender”
Just as the oceans ebb and flow, we humans swing between our ‘different’ selves. Imagine a beach without the movement of the great oceans. Love you Sam!
love you Kathleen xo
There’s nothing to be worthy of, Sam. You are the ocean, the mind often a tumultuous wave. You are never diminished in your ocean-ness by the waves. Go with the ocean-ing:)
yes, I know this; it is when I feel those intense connections to light and healing, I just feel so wonderfully unworthy of the experience. 🙂
Embracing and accepting yourself in your lowly aspects helps keep your roots in the soil while your branches are thrust into the sun. If you didn’t have these times, you would be no use to anybody because you would be too ethereal, too not-real-for-real-people – who are all feeling the same way that you do.
This is much easier for me to say to you than it is to say to myself 🙂
You words are perfectly perfect….I see this and understand this. Thank you for the reminder. ❤
I feel this way too. It is a struggle accepting being straddled between two “worlds”; one that is mundane and the other more spiritual. Thank you for articulating your experience so well. I’m not sure I could have described it so lucidly.
Yes…between two worlds…yes. The spiritual one is more and more my world, and so much other things seem unimportant 🙂
Exactly. Too bad we can’t just ignore the “real” world! 😉
We are all special; we are all worthy; we all have gifts to share.
Yes WE are all worthy. ❤
I struggle with these thoughts, especially when I am happy. It seems unfair to be happy, when so many many people are suffering. Every day, I fight the inner battle between this universal knowledge, and the extreme need for peace and solitude. How dare I? How dare I not. I cannot find the solution, but I am able to Love, and be Loved..and that makes sense.
We have much in common…which makes me happy 🙂