Day 131: The Crow in Me

I have recently formed a friendship with a woman with Aspergers, and I have to say, it is the easiest friendship I have ever had. Though it is long distance, we chat every day, sometimes for hours. What I notice about her are the same traits I notice about me. Our lives and our thinking are so parallel, it is almost creepy.

Essentially, we think and process the same way. We have the same worries. We see things in the same light. We both require the same  security in conversation. We need validation, and we give out the whole of ourselves. We are able to focus on one another entirely. Everything else can stop. We become priority. Talking to her is the easiest thing I’ve done in my life. She is genuine, open, and entirely honest. She analyzes everything she says before writing, and then analyzes it again after writing—just as I do. She frets over her words, as I do. She wonders whether she is good enough for a friend, too intense, too different. She over-compensates with love and compassion to be certain I feel safe and understood. She offers advice straight from the heart, only because she has a calling from God to do so. She sits on every word, measuring the potentiality for miscommunication and the probable consequences of her message. She spins and loops about what she has said, and how the words might affect our relationship. She thinks about me often throughout her day; I am never an afterthought. She loves me whole-heartedly. She knows when I need her to sit and be with me, and puts aside everything else in her life to show me she cares. She takes the time to write to me, no matter what is happening in her life. As soon as she knows I am available to chat, she comes my way with a smile, heart, or message. She is my soul-sister, mirroring me in every way, and I so love what I see.

Through my friendship with this special lady and through her comforting words expressing her own experience with friends, I am just beginning to understanding the difference between the way I communicate to friends I am passionate about and the way people without Aspergers communicate back to me. I am realizing that many times in my life, I was ultimately not rejected, but that my friends didn’t understand my communication style, misinterpreted my words and actions, and were actually incapable of duplicating my enthusiasm and dedicated attention.

I find this true today with another friendship I have formed with a very kind and loving person. Though this person is one of the sweetest souls I have met, at the same time, we communicate so entirely differently. This is no fault of anyone’s—and is solely the result of our brains being wired differently. Where I am as eager as a puppy to jump all over the conversation, day or night, anytime, anywhere, my new friend prioritizes, plans, evaluates, and places me within a schedule. Aspies generally don’t do that! We have this gift of focusing entirely on what we are interested in and what are hearts want at the moment. Everything, and I mean everything else in our world, disappears when we are wrapped up in our passion. Bills might not get paid, beds not made, pets not fed—we don’t neglect, we just forget as we are sucked into another realm.

To me this is a form of escape. I can do this with certain people, and my communication with them becomes my temporary haven away from all the stresses of the world—away from the constant overload of sensory input, and worries of everything that is shouting to be done, the continual spinning of thoughts, ideas, emotions, and need, the pounding fear of the world’s expectations and anticipated actions. In having a special friend, I am able to forget myself momentarily and be only a part of his or her world: just me on a stage with them, with everything else on hold. I’ve done this my entire life. And I do believe this aspect is a primary part of me, nothing to be fixed or changed; this is just me. Living on this planet, if I did not have opportunity to escape, I would surely hovel in a corner and never leave. This world is ultimately a very scary place for me.

I am also realizing that I hurt much more inside when I talk to people than when I talk to my new friend with Aspergers. This, again, is no one’s fault, and purely reflects the dynamics of two people with like minds joining verses two people with very different minds connecting. It does not matter how sensitive, caring, loving, pure and honest a friend is, if he or she doesn’t have Aspergers, he or she will never truly get me. That’s not to say I can’t have very fulfilling friendships with all types of people; it just means I know deep down inside that unless a person has a brain that functions like me, there will always be this piece about me that the other person will not understand. Whether he or she is aware of this makes no difference, because I am aware of this.

I am working through some hurt now. Trying to understand why my needs are entirely different than most people’s needs in a relationship. Backtracking through all the past times I overwhelmed, confused, or was misunderstood. I am acknowledging that broken relationship were not because of whom I am as a person. Broken relationships were a result of me communicating the only way I knew how.

Some of the things I’ve noticed happening in the new relationship I have with someone that does not have Aspergers:

1)      I am sad that my friend is not always able to talk to me at every moment of the day.

2)      I continually worry I over-shared, and at the same time cannot help myself from over-sharing. I get this overwhelming urge to share. And have this urgency about me to expose my truths, as if the world shall end tomorrow and if I don’t get my thoughts out, I shall die unknown and unheard.

3)      I want to know EVERYTHING about my friend. Every fear, love, past event, thought, experience.

4)      I wonder why the person has not answered my message in a timely fashion. (For me that would mean within a second of when I wrote the message, because I ought to be number one priority! Insert laughter here.)

5)      I question why the person wants to be my friend, as I am so intense, so prone to having my feelings hurt, in continual need of validation, and questioning my worth.

6)      I worry beyond worry that my friend does not see the purity of my heart. And when I am misunderstood a thousand daggers pierce my soul. For if my friend sees me as mean, manipulative, a liar, lacking compassion, closed-minded, angry, vengeful, demeaning, or the like, than I know he or she is not seeing me.

7)      I want to be seen. I want to open myself up like a book so the friend can read every single page and know my beauty. I want to shine so bright that my friend believes me when I say I love unconditionally.

8)      I try constantly to say the exact word. I fret over every sentence. If I am chatting online, I reread everything I wrote ten times, wondering if I chose the wrong words, wondering how the person will interpret, wondering if I am expressing the heart of me.

9)      I want to delete most of what I say. I sometimes have an odd sense of humor, or don’t get something, like a simple word, or simple explanation. My friend’s innocent comment can send me off the deep end, send me spiraling down to earth, with a heavy landing, so that I feel deadened and crushed inside.

10)   I find that I am so very innocent and naïve compared to other people. In conversation, I feel as if I am about the age of ten or even younger. A little girl still searching the eyes of the person I adore and wondering if he or she adores me. A little girl needed to be swept up and hugged and told how beautiful she is, how special, how loved. To know that I am unconditional accepted and very much appreciated. I long to be told, I love you, every few minutes, in order to feel safe, in order to understand I am not being judged, misinterpreted, or thought about in a “bad” light.

http://vi.sualize.us/

11)   I am just realizing I don’t really understand love at all. Love to me means something entirely different than to most people. I don’t understand the degrees of love, how love builds, how friendship starts out at one level, and then grows into love. I love all at once. This huge bundle of love. And I plop this love right down at my friend’s feet. If I didn’t feel that bundle of love, I wouldn’t be the person’s friend. It’s very simple to me. Of course I love you, you are my friend. What does like you a lot even mean? Does that mean I like you for now, and might always like you, but if you prove to be more special, I might consider loving you? That hurts me. The word like hurts me. If love is the end point, then why am I placed at the starting line? Why wouldn’t a friend love me from the very beginning? Can he or she not feel the same connection, bond, and love as me?

12)   I sometimes say things, hint things, and describe things that are very clear to me, and the other person doesn’t get what I am saying at all. I sometimes do things that take the whole of me, take so much risk, preparation, and forethought, but my actions aren’t met with the same extreme of emotions. Speaking to my friend sometimes is akin to tearing out my bleeding heart, setting my heart pounding on the table for my friend to see, and my friend casually walking by and saying, “Oh, that’s nice.” Only to then continue walking. I take out my heart and think the person will know, but my friend does not. My friend does not know that everything I say is a dynamic risk.

13)   I don’t know how to turn down my intensity. I don’t have light and carefree days. I don’t have a way to shut me down or dim my emotion. I don’t even have waves of love. Everything remains level at a very high extreme. Nothing is little or unimportant. Nothing downplayed. Nothing forgotten. Everything remembered and brought back up to the surface over and over for reanalysis. Scenarios are played out in the mind of how I could have said something better. How I could communicate clearer. How I should communicate less. How I should be less enthusiastic. I swing a harsh whip at my mind, slash and slash with should haves and could haves.

14)   Simple statements from my friend can send me spinning. What does that mean? Did I do something wrong? Did I blow this friendship? Was I too intense? What does my friend want me to say? How should I say this? What if I am wrong? What if I am misjudged? Did I say too much already? Should I laugh now? Should I offer support? Is advice okay? Am I a bore, a nuisance, a weirdo, too odd to keep around? Why is the conversation over? Why not talk more? Why am I not a priority? Am I not nice enough? Not kind enough? Not pretty enough?

15)   I cherish my friend to no end. I would walk the end of the earth for my friend. I love my friend. I hold my friend up high. I see the light within. I see the purity of heart. I go straight to the soul and relish in the beauty. I see the love within. I see the potentiality for greater communication and connection. I see so much, but am standing across a bridge with a cavernous pit between us. I long to cross the bridge, but the bridge is broken, and I can only stand alone and stare out into the distance, reaching, and longing to touch.

http://www.back-yard-birding.com/crows-in-indiana/

The crows are among the world’s most intelligent birds. Crows can be aggressive, quarrelsome, and sometimes playful. The voice once heard is not easily forgotten. They have an astounding range of calls. There language is complicated and still being discovered. They are excellent puzzle-sovers, have good memory, and quickly learn. They live in community, support their own, and love for life. They hold the spirit of kings.

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30 thoughts on “Day 131: The Crow in Me

  1. Oh Sam- I love how you can put everything that has been screaming in me into such eloquent words. Took me a long time to read this through the tears. You have a gift of putting emotions into words and lists that many of us cannot. Thank you.

    1. Awe, Sweetie. So sorry for the tears. I hope they are healing tears. We are all gathering as a community so we can know we are not alone anymore. You have a family now. Much light and love to you. Sam 🙂

  2. Sam!

    I could have written this last summer! Actually, I think I have several posts that are ironically very close to your words here, from last summer. My heart poured out. I hurt deeply, occasionally, I still do and you can read it in my poems or stories when I think of my friend. Come October I thought I was going to die of complete heartbreak. I learned so much during the process, and it is what forced my entire book out of me in two weeks during the winter. Though it is taking me forever to edit it! Ha ha ha

    Still, I share all of that in hopes that you see the brightness that will come out of this. Creativity, learning how to love unconditionally, and finding complete peace in knowing that the connection exists even if you were never to have contact with them again here. Embrace it and let your creativity flow my dear because you have such wonderful gifts to share.

    Another irony, this poem is about my friend. http://mindretrofit7.wordpress.com/2011/08/23/raven-speak/ I do love crows.

    Much love and hugs to you!! You are a lovely soul keep on shining and sharing! 🙂

    1. Oh, Angel. Such sweet rays of light you bring. I love that we both love crows and ravens. So much irony between us that we share. It is nice to know you get what I am experiencing. And yes, the creative juices are flowing…it is amazing what a friendship can open up in me. I see this as a direct gift from God and the spirit working through me to get at deep core issues. And my friend is very kind and supportive, so I am fortunate. To know you know the agony is reassuring. You are such a dear heart to me. And I promise I didn’t see your posts and copy…he, he….Love you dearly. Bubbles of love and joy to you, ~ Sam 🙂

  3. OMG Sam i dont have aspergers and i just read myself in this article…
    i think what you have is not about being an aspergian but more about the human we are

    sharing the crows in me-

    some times i fear i am reading too much into something and you know what i can always sense something is wrong with someone or if someone is annoyed with me just by reading their comments..i know its scary but 100% times i found out later that i was right

    i feel bad when someone sees and judges the outer me cos there is so much inside which i fear will be misunderstood if i be totally tranparent,having said that i have an extremely transparent face,am never ever able to hide anything,in fact one of my teachers told me she just had to look at my face to know what i was going through..

    I love every one with all i have i can’t half heartedly do anything but being me ends up hurting me a lot cos people do not reciprocate the way we do..and so i have learned to be in this shell..kinda self preservation.

    many a times when we were house hunting ,every time before entering the new house with the property agent my hubby would say no matter what don’t show…
    his fear was if i show eagerness the agent would not negociate a bit

    But that is difficult plus if i dont like something i dont understand why i have to spend more time and if i loved it why cant i be ecstatic about it and have a smile on my face???
    but

    oh man i can go on and on and then wordpress would say would you like to share it as a post here 😆
    thank s for sharing your crows Sam i could let some of mine out too..its liberating

    1. Soma,
      Oh, my….can I relate. Let the crow in you fly. So lovely she is. Wings of beauty. Sigh….I understand so much of what you say. I can sense things in words, too. ALL the fricken time. Energy is still there of the person. I can sense in eyes, too. You are a bundle of love like me, with so much to give! Love the part about your husband telling you to stifle your enthusiasm. he he—that’s so me. Yes: “that is difficult plus if i dont like something i dont understand why i have to spend more time and if i loved it why cant i be ecstatic about it and have a smile on my face???” True.
      Thanks for sharing the fascinating Soma with me.
      Yay, You.
      Fly free,
      Sam 🙂

  4. I love this post, but you already know that. 🙂
    Your friendship is a blessing in my life and I pray that God keeps healing us of our past pains, misunderstanding and the hurts put upon us by others who never took the time to get to know us but judged us without loving us.
    Keep being you my lovely friend, God has created you to be unique and you shine brightly.
    I love you and am thankful to God that He has made us friends.
    Lees. xxx 🙂 ❤

  5. I love this post so much! I can see myself in you! Seriously! Out of 15.. 12 of them describes exactly what I feel most of the time!

  6. Oh my goodness! I read number 2 and I was in tears. That is so me. I, too, am a female with Aspergers. Right this minute I am fighting the urge to point out every single one of our similarities, based on this blog post. The sharing so much of yourself. I get that. I find I want to lay everything out — immediately and fully — at the start of any friendship because having quirks or habits or *whatever* be a reason to not love me back fully, once I’ve already completely given of myself, is so heartbreaking. I have several friends who post your blog entries on facebook. Most times I don’t read them because I live in a world where people fight to see the whole person and dismiss labels as being restrictive. I embrace my label because it makes the world make sense for me. Anyway, my point is that I worry that if I react to your posts as I imagine I would (as I am now!) then I will suffer backlash for calling myself an Aspie, when in fact, I do have a formal diagnosis. I am rambling. I apologize for that, and also for my lack of paragraph structure. Thank you for writing.

    1. Hello Glenna. Nice to “meet” you. lol about the urge to point out all the similarities…that sounds like me! 🙂 Yes…I understand the label restricting aspect.I had to look at that deeply in myself so I could blog….and finally understood Aspergers can be seen in any light I wish. I choose to embrace the gifts and use the word to connect with beautiful souls. I am so happy that for you (like me) the label helps you make sense of the world. That is very true for me. 🙂 I hope you can release your worries. We have a support group on facebook listed atop this blog, if you’d like to join. Much love to you. And you are most welcome. And thank YOU for commenting. 🙂 Sam

  7. I really loved this post Sam! Sometimes it feels like you are inside my head writing everything that I am feeling. I too have my first Aspie friend that I met online last year. It has been such a blessing just to know her. I completely agree that it has been my easiest friendship ever because we just get each other. I love her so very much and I am so lucky to have such a wonderful friend. ♥

    Thank you so much for all of your wonderful posts. I am so happy to see that each time I visit your page that more and more people are following you. 🙂 You are such an asset to all of us Aspies!

    1. I am inside your head! hehehehe 🙂 Not really, but it is funny how many people tell me that. I think we must all be connected some how. 🙂 Or at least from the same planet. I love my Aspie friend, we get to be intense together and then act like we are 12; it’s like riding a wave. Thank you for taking the time to write to me. I do really appreciate it. I thanks for the kudos, each comment keeps me going. Best wishes to you.

  8. Thank you for sharing this. It helps me understand a close friend of mine and the various misunderstandings I have seen happening between him and female friends. They tend to take the “intensity” of his friendship/chatting as a love interest… Can I ask if this has ever happened to you with male friends? And if you felt “more than friendship” for someone, how would you let him know? I mean, what would be different in your communications (compared to your communications with other friends)?

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