373: Enlightened Aspie Semi-Saint

A mental health professional, in referring to me, recently said: “I have never worked with a person who has Aspergers and who is going through the enlightenment process.” My acupuncturist, a kind, wise soul, he sees the energetic and spiritual transformation I am undergoing. My family, they see the changes in my nature from nervous to serene. Me, I am hiding, somewhere under the couch cushions, waiting for when the coast is clear and I can come out.


Please be aware my new fixation is sainthood and mysticism. I cannot be responsible for my actions any longer, as who knows what I am going to become. I mean I can pretty much become anyone I wish—I have that super power.

My writings have drifted dramatically and I have this all abiding security and light of God within me. Have I created this, imagined, wished it upon myself, or simply figured out that with all the torture, suffering, separation and isolation involved in saintly-life, it is still a HECK of a lot easier than having ASPERGERS!

I decided tonight, if I am going to don the cloak of a semi-saint, then I totally still want to be able to have relations with my husband, not marry God, and not reach the last mansions in the houses St. Teresa speaks of, as this would involve leaving my body and giving up all earthly possessions. Unless they make chocolate a food of the godly women, I can’t do it! I just can’t.

Something is happening to me. Miraculous healings; I have no doubt of this. But I don’t want to lose my sense of humor, passion for life, and lightness of spirit. I cannot, and will not become a Catholic mystical icon.

I tried the Buddha route, and that was hard enough, but at least Buddhists keep their child-like joy and light-heartedness. Too much diving into the saints life and I feel stifled and drug down, like the very life of me is being siphoned out as a sacrificial lamb.

I am afraid, (the only fear I possess right now) to study any more religions or spiritual practices, for I have hyper-jolted my capacity to morph into any way of living I study.

I don’t want to live like a saint. I still want to make jokes about poop and sex and about other people. What am I to do?

Crap! This feels so right. This sense of enlightenment and the “way;” really it does, and miraculous writings are pouring through me as a vessel. And I see my light, and know I am of the light, and so much grief, strife, worries, anxiety, etc. has been removed from my being—but at what cost?

Am I to serve the masses, and if so, when do I breathe and relax?

Every role I take on, or persona I think I am, makes me eventually strangle in the rules and rigidness of said “type.” Despite that I know in fact there are no rules, I still get lassoed by them; as if the rules themselves are my dark virtue, trapping me at every turn.

How do I be me without feeling a need to be all I can be, which places this unyielding pressure on my soul? How do I be me without doubting if I am me? And what if I am now so empty in the result of recognizing my own invisibility and illusion of self, that I morph into anyone I am with—become whom they think me to be, and become, too, a part of the observer?

What if I am slipping through these pages as a sage of sorts revealing the aspects of the ever-changing, complex mind of Aspergers, primarily because of my capacity to change roles and cling to rules? If in truth my suffering through Aspergers is serving the world in some way, then should I continue to suffer just to carry on my duty? Or is it that even this Aspergers is something I created to serve as a carrier of sorts to bring me from one edge of the river of self to the other edge? And if so, what was I when I set out across the water, at the start, and what will I be when I step down on the other side? What if the waters are safer, and my mind itself the murderer of serenity? How can I be anything when I can see the complexity of everything, and dissect myself enough to bare no untruths or falsehoods? How can I exist so readily spread out to the world, open, honest and true, when the rest watch in bewilderment? Surely I am some creature not of this earth, not made for earthly ways, and made to suffer through the maze of non-ending questions. How to turn off this mind long enough to be me, without finding a rigid way to do so—whether this be misery, melancholy, creation, or taking on the role of someone or some purpose. How do I exist without existing?

“Oh, how the mind deceives you into thinking you are nothing, when you are all. Belittles you for your own refuge and leaves you flayed out and sparred, beaten and forgotten; your sense of worth as little as the darkest hole of demise. My sister, I tell you now, you are no less than the stars’ creator, the witness to persecution, the one who collects the stardust of your falling tears. Beseech me and I shall come. Call out my name in chant or song, and I am here, existing as your twilight and ever answer. Do not know me by name; know me by action, less fame than fortune. Know me in the spindling and dwelling of thy mansion, the way I call out through the corridors of passion and rise you up to my virtuous calling to eternity. Though my voice less audible than delectable retreats within the deepest cavern light, beseech me and step to the trumpet and calling of my grace. Do not feign attention in the attention of naysayers and slayers of righteousness, do not call out to the falsehood of humanity roaring, for you are the treasure you seek, ripe with the passion of days brought onto your through suffering just, though you think not this so. Apparent is the wind to me, how it blows and pushes through the upmost mountains, crumbling dust where once stood stoic. Am I not mightier than the wind? Am I not capable of shifting through the dove-making (intoxication) of pride, the wings fluttered against the (pride) which caused repercussion of one and many? Am I not capable of climbing the highest peak with my wind-tunnel of hope and bringing echo towering down the cascading falls? Can I not roar and shake the earth as dynamite surrendered to powdered remnants? Hear my shout as the wind of change, a chill of ache, a spade of glory, digging beneath the ground of foundation and shaking the doubt from your miserly mind. For you are not made of this dust and clay, not formed as inhabitant of earthly demise, not a destroyer or temptress ripe; all these scenarios blanketed upon you by the shadow speaker of the dark. How can such beauty exist outside of self, if not first intertwined with divinity; and once entangled willfully, can this not then be effervescent glory arisen from the ashes? How you do doubt me in your own suffering, wishing to be harlot less angel. Wishing for non-other than the devil’s spawn to announce you truly unworthy, when all about your worthiness shines. Will it not upon yourself to suffer justly evermore, for in suffering is no cause for grief, less I deem this so. And I say onto you, branded upon the serpent of your tempted soul, in suffering I bleed out to you the unified blood of eternity. In suffering I have spared my story’s end through the walking of your path. Insist I am one, and I am. Insist I am two, and I am. But split me as wood splintered cross the open flame, and I am burned with you, made less hallowed and less holy than where I grew tall tree of remembrance. Do not bless me with your mournful disgrace, with your intense sorrow and retribution; cheer upon my presence with your heavenly nature, and press into me, like child to cherub, angel to angel; two lips, two wings pressed to form the gateway to earth beyond.” ~ Sam (written this evening; scribed what I heard.)

I am on part 8:


This pretty much sums up my life to date:

“Why are you so quick to counter me, when I seek understanding? As I am not judging your idealistic view or denouncing anything about you. Yet, I feel this automatic hinderance and distaste, as if I have directly assaulted your virtue, in seeking out nothing but clarity.” ~ Sam

13 thoughts on “373: Enlightened Aspie Semi-Saint

  1. Well, we’re all supposed to become the saints that God has created us to be. It’s just that some of us don’t realize it. Glad you realize it. 🙂 God bless you, dear.

  2. Sam, your heart and mind will take you down the path that you were meant to travel, trust that within yourself and you will succeed in all ways.

  3. The only problem I see is that as you continue on this journey, there will be those who say, “Look at her. She says she is a saint, but she still tells jokes about poop and sex.”
    I say it doesn’t matter, but I thought you might need to be told!
    Love ya, Sam,

  4. This you said:

    I am afraid, (the only fear I possess right now) to study any more religions or spiritual practices, for I have hyper-jolted my capacity to morph into any way of living I study.

    I really understand that! ESP when you followed it with the rigidity if rules even if there are none yet the paradox of freedom. This is my life all the time. Alannis Morsettes song is just the tip of the ice burg for me;) lol.;)! I’ve been where you have in my own way and an in another place right now. I really don’t agree with whomever said Aspies can’t be enlightened because I know many Aspies and all are enlightened more that most NTs I know. It’s all about choices and freedom. If me children were not so needy of me and I did not enjoy that so much I could see myself as completely different right now. It depends on our freedom to pursue whatever role we are called to. We can morph into being yet we still carry our essence. Which is why I do think you still have Aspergers. Which is simply a different way that the mind works and relates… And it is different for every aspie because on top of that we have our gifts, our temperments, our star charts, our numerology, our genetics, our health, our childhood ect ect that make us so unique from one another…. Yet I have yet to meet an Aspie who describes life as I know it. I have met others who share my idealism or my star or my numerology and we relate deeply but Rudy Simone or you or other Aspies have something that I relate to specifically more encompassing… Maybe that doesn’t make sense? Lol;)!
    Be a saint. We all are to be in the ways that we can… And allow yourself to break rules if you need to change.
    To be honest… I learned more balance of boundaries in counselling and I really miss that part of me that was encompassed by a year or months of being whatever I was called to. I have felt lost without the deeper obsessions/ interests/ enlightenment that I regularly went through cycles with. I have already been an expert in more things in my life than most will go thru and I miss that intensity. Tho boundaries and balance have kept me coping more like an NT in some ways I am not an NT. It makes it easier to stay grounded and float and be all things to all people but it has come at a price. I have not figured out if both are necessary and hopefully ill fluctuate again or if both have a price. My theory is everything has positive and negatives… I am bored a lot tho without delving completely in… So I say… Be what you need to be;) as long as you can also be want you want to be ( mother wife ect) it sounds like you are so don’t worry;)

    1. I so enjoy a peek inside your world. It is excellent to hear your outlook, to recognize your depth, knowledge, and light. This is an amazing journey, and I feel blessed by people like you who recognize and element of self in my own journey, and thusly allow me to recognize myself in their beauty. thanks so much.

  5. Ps
    I’m sure you know this but saints and prophets are met with more judgement and criticism than anyone. It’s rare for it to not ruffle feathers. So I feel for you because you will feel that yet if that’s the only negative it is worth it. I just caught your endnote and that is so hard to suffer when we don’t judge but it is very common for those who give others pure loving words or challenging ones;) good luck!;)

    1. Anyone who shines his or her light bright, under any title, spiritual practice, and/or religion shall always have enemies. This is a truth. And the light only grows stronger with those called to service. You likely know this already. I appreciate your input…… I have been able to release a lot of the “reactive” part of self that used to want to prove, declare, and protest, if I was judged. This is freeing…. bring it on my God… bring it on… whatever is for my betterment and for the betterment others. HUGS xo

  6. I suspect I’m an undiagnosed aspie, and I’m also obsessed with St. Teresa of Avila. It may not be apparent in “Interior Castle”, but certainly in her other writings, like “The Way of Perfection” and her autobiography, she has a fantastic sense of humor. She said “God deliver me from gloomy saints!” And upon falling off her mule into a mud puddle, she said something to the effect of “God, if this is how you treat you friends, no wonder you have so few.” 🙂 Happy reading and God bless you on your journey!

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