372: Brain Chatter!

I have been seeing things ahead of time, and I am very much confused and somewhat afraid. I know that my abilities have been heightened but I know not where to turn. Sometimes the “coincidences” are so subtle, and other time shockingly surprising. Two days ago I said to my son, as we were talking about wedding anniversaries and the symbolic gifts for certain years, “I don’t know, honey, if anyone would have an 85th wedding anniversary, as both people would have to live to be over 100 years old for that to happen.”

Within a couple hours, I went to a social network site (FB), and there in living color was a couple both in their hundreds married 88 years. It was as if the question were answered without me knowing I was asking.

Last night, I said to my husband, out of the blue, as a saw a flash of knowing, “I think C.S. Lewis was a type of prophet and genius”; tonight, my husband says, “Guess what the newspaper reads: ‘C.S. Lewis reluctant prophet and eccentric genius.’” This morning I had a vision about someone contacting me (a specific someone), whom would be angry. I did not know this person, and never had spoken with her, but knew of her. I was “told” to treat her with love and understanding. I thought this was a silly thought, and certainly only and imaginary future fear. I motioned the ‘fear’ away. But this late afternoon, the event transpired, and I observed myself as I went through the process of holding a space of love.

These events keep happening day after day, usually several times in a twenty-four hour period. I am still being stirred awake around three in the morning and taught some type of lessons. I’ve gotten to the point now where I mumble, “oh, joy, lesson time,” in a sarcastic tone, and then sleep through most of it. Though every once in a while I jolt awake with a distinct sentence or to find myself talking.

All of this perhaps sounds light-hearted. In actuality this is a very difficult phase for me. I am struggling with these extreme depths of logical reasoning counter balanced by intense light-filled knowings. And I think I could stay in my home and write all day and into the night, if given cause. I am finding it hard to concentrate on anything of simplistic nature and I long desperately for guidance from a teacher. I am more sensitive to food, almost any meal leaves me immediately feeling forlorn, lost, and hopeless.

I have noted, too, there isn’t a moment in my day that I do not feel I am in the presence of a higher power I want to please, not impress, but please. This has eliminated my lifelong need to please others. For the most part, I only want to do right by my God, which in this present moment means to live authentically, to be truthful, to not gossip, to not be angry, to not hurt intentionally, to help others, and to love others unconditionally. At the same time I am wondering what the heck is left to do with my friends? Talk theology, angels, and spirituality—I’m soooo tired of that subject.

Today, I was upset when I couldn’t help an angry person see their inner light. The whole event made me cry. I couldn’t make a difference. I couldn’t “save” her.

These events lead to a theological discussion inside my head (that often leads to a sensation of spiritual headache; my physical head is fine, but I get lost in the diabolical, throbbing fog of confusion of brain chatter). I reasoned I did not need nor want to “save” anyone, because even thinking I could “save” someone would indicate I have the answers, which I know undoubtedly I do not.

And so I discussed at length with myself, and likely my angles were in there somewhere, about how my only “role,” if I was to have a role, is to live by example. If I am to point a direction to anyone, it would be straight into their own heart to remind her of her own inner beauty. But even this pointing seemed self-serving; for if other people see the beauty within themselves, they will see the beauty in me—and isn’t that a wee bit self-serving?

Next I entered an entire confusion-cloud about humility and service, and this desperate need I have to help others. I only feel alive and worthwhile when I am in service to my calling. Mostly, this fulfillment takes place when I am writing. But the advocate in me, she thought, rather loudly, “Well what if this is another aspie role you are virtually perfecting?”

This took me down a long road of fake identities and the embarrassment of not knowing who the heck I was; until I realized this is truly who I am.

For the first time in my adult life: This Is Me.

I know I am me again because I am how I remember being when I was four years of age.

And in so being this new found original self, I set about to sob. Yes, sob. Mostly because I feel like I have been given too much—kind of the story of my life. And while sobbing, of course I persecuted myself for even thinking I have a right to cry, when I have so many blessings and others suffer so much.

I feel separated because I have an intolerance for certain things now—an actual physical intolerance manifested at an energetic level that feels like a stomach punch. If a person is bad-mouthing another, himself, or speaking in an overall negative tone, I cringe; it’s like my body can’t stand the energetic vibration. I want no part in it, except to shake the person and say: STOP. Then I feel guilty. Then I try to identify the difference between discernment, picking up others’ energy, and judgment. As the last thing I want to do is judge. So as I am taking in visions and sensations about another, I am removing myself from judging, but then standing this helpless impatient woman stomping her feet and jumping up and down and screaming: Now What!

Part of my confusion is because I am seeing so dang much. I am seeing straight to the core of a person in just a few words. I can see their heart, their intention, their fear, their longing for love, and I just want to shake people and say: LOOK AT HOW FRICKEN BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE! But I can’t. Instead I come across as this fairy-kissing, happy-to-be-alive, all-life-is-a-love-fest, thingamajig; at least it seems like I do. And that’s not pretending! I truly feel that way… but more liken to an elven princess than a fairy.

To add to this complexity, (did I mention this is all happening during a ghost movie, I sort of got to watch), I am contemplating how I have been ‘taught’ that I am not a teacher. That to push my advice and thoughts onto someone else is in essence kind of like a sin, but not a sin, as my angels Do Not judge, and tell me, like everyone else, I am divinely good. But sin is the closest thing I can think of in relation to someone pushing their knowledge onto someone else, especially unsolicited. So I am stuck in this type of limbo life. People flashing me, and me pretending I don’t see their dangling parts. I don’t know which is worse: Pretending to be someone I am not. Or pretending I don’t see what someone else is flashing me.

At the same time, with all of this, I wonder if in sharing I am being too self-focused and look-at-me attitude…but how do I continue to share without doing that? And isn’t it my sharing that is my service? So I am a bit cluttered in thought. I can’t go back anymore to the way I was. A part of me thinks she truly wouldn’t mind to backtrack. The past was torture, but there was this freedom; not this continual knocking to serve. A part of me thinks maybe I am done with writing, or maybe another venue for my writing is appearing.

I spent years trying to figure out who I was. I found myself. And now ironically, I am this fumbling, tumbling fool who just keeps asking herself: Am I selfless enough?

(sidenote: I understand clearly I am not here to save anyone, and no one needs saving. I had written a paragrapch explaining that…but it seemed over the top, so I deleted it. It is kind of the KEY of my whole belief system…. How could I need to save someone else, if I am whole and they are whole…. It is not that at all…but the experience of watching someone in pain feels like I let them down, even though I know I did not.)

19 thoughts on “372: Brain Chatter!

  1. I have actually travelled where you have … I referred to it as the power of attraction yet it is so much more. I have deep intuition. But after awhile I realized it was leaving me a bit unbalanced to relate to most people and ungrounded. It comes in stages. As an aspie I am always cautious of my own diving in and expanding deep. Sometimes I need too and this is certainly your season of need… But if it makes you feel a bit unravelled its important to listen to that too.
    You are using your gifts and you are lucky to be a healer. I understand being a healer for I am as well but often we healers need to not heal in the limelight for those others to be comfortable with us. It’s silly but it’s true. More importantly, often when we focus and allow the healing to take over completely we become … Well we pay for it because we are not yet of the full spirit realm so even tho are gifts may fall in that area and we may sense things others may not…sometimes we also need to step back even when it’s good.
    For instance I sometimes get others pain. My friend had a masectomy and I hurt so bad her week of surgery the doctors sent me for an emergency mammogram and were so concerned of cancer… But it was deep empathy and thoughts of healing. I have had to learn with my therapist to detach from this gift at times and use it in less of a way. That was hard. I still have the gifts but my life is not taken up with them…
    That said… Maybe your life’s journey is to be completely be taken up with them? Maybe it’s your path? But pay attention to even the slightest tinge of unravelling… You will know if its time to set boundaries… There are boundaries in all things good. Boundaries go hand in hand with love. But perhaps your boundaries are already activated….
    I’m just telling you the words that are coming to me and really they may only apply to me;) regardless of what your life holds Sam it will all matter. Mistakes and successes matter. Selfishness and selflessness matter. We need dark for light to shine. Flaws are beautiful. Good to see you embrace both!;)
    Good luck with the rest if the journey!:)

  2. Ps
    You are not judging… ESP because you ask yourself if you are. My therapist told me once that if we question ourselves we most likely are not doing it. I also know when I see someone’s struggles I don’t judge ( judging is sending negative and superior energy their way) but I long to help or heal … That is simply awareness. Unfortunately not all people who receive that helping energy want it either and they often react how they are. If they judge they think I’m judging… It’s tricky… But I understand that you most def are not judging. You’ve got a good heart;)

    1. wonderful reminder ❤ thanks again, lovely you. I will focus on pulling back… I need to take care of me; I have been here before when I served as a spiritual counselor, I battle between seeing and wanting to help and needing to pull back so I don't get sick or drained. 🙂

  3. Nobody needs saving or teaching, but just reminding of their true nature. The removal of clouds of conditioning, so that the sun can shine in splendour… as it always already is. The mind fears its – imagined – demise, so struggles against this beauty. Maybe you know this anyway, Sam:)

    1. Yes….understand that clearly. Had a paragrapch explaining that…but it seemed over the top, so I deleted it. 🙂 It is kind of the KEY of the whole belief system…. how could I need to save someone else if I am whole and they are whole…. it is not that at all…but the experienced of watching someone in pain feels like I let them down.

  4. “… about how my only “role,” if I was to have a role, is to live by example. If I am to point a direction to anyone, it would be straight into their own heart to remind her of her own inner beauty. But even this pointing seemed self-serving; for if other people see the beauty within themselves, they will see the beauty in me—and isn’t that a wee bit self-serving?”

    Oh, that’s what I was feeling when I was reading this. You are enough, it’s all good, relax into this space, no you aren’t being self-serving – you are being You with the Source living through you, and it’s to question if you are being self-serving, but it does not sound to me like you are being self-serving.

    This space is so simple that it’s so easy for us peeps to miss it and complicate things and there is nothing here for you to complicate. Just keep going as you are. It’s a beautiful thing, Sam. Really, seriously awesome! 🙂 xo

      1. That is possibly the best thing anybody has said to me. Thank you for seeing my heart across the miles. I feel like lots of people don’t. Many blessings doublefolded 🙂

  5. I was concerned that you were, apparently, out to “save” someone. This can’t be done. All we can do is ask and try to do what we can to aide in what they choose to do. I suggest to people; I talk to people; I even explain to people; however, if they do not try or do not want to try, I am done; it is no longer my problem. I can dislike that and choose for it to be different, but I have no right to take someone out of what they have chosen to go through.

      1. 🙂 Actually, I have been called not to speak of what I see, now, in another, without them seeking, and even then, to say very little, if anything. Some remarkable miracles have transpired and I am daily, quite often, filled with healing peace with no need to defend, debate, prove, or insist… only exist and honor my God. xo Thanks for being here through all of this; you are a true gem.

  6. I just do what you must do…and that is not a condemnation of anyone or a saving if anyone. I think any time a person is authentic and genuine and kind, whoever is near, will benifit from the experience.

  7. I just stumbled upon this blog. I am also a Christian, and a gigantic fan of Lewis, and I wholeheartedly agree with the “eccentric genius” angle. Your language skills come across wonderfully, and you seem very concise. (I was an English major; I’ve come across occasional non-concise wording in my day. Virginia Woolf, for example.)

    I identified with every sentence in this post except: “But even this pointing seemed self-serving; for if other people see the beauty within themselves, they will see the beauty in me – and isn’t that a wee bit self-serving?”

    The reason I say this is because to me, I would not be reluctant to say to my own mother, “Mom, it is highly unlikely that your beauty could ever serve you in a selfish way”. Though I am a man, I think my mother would understand my saying this.

    On the flip side, the sentence I most identified with was: “For the first time in my adult life: This Is Me”.

    Furthermore, the most aesthetically “complete” sentence to me was the beginning, “I have been seeing things ahead of time, and I am very much confused and somewhat afraid.” This is complete to me, like an M.C. Escher painting, because I cannot see into the future.

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