There is an invisibleness that comes with being me. It is unfamiliar and familiar at the same time, each time rising in me somewhat reformed, yet, still the same.
I am that I am, and then I am not. I am this woman, and I am this man-woman combined beneath. I am the sun and the land, the air that I take in, and the waste I eliminate, through various means: my breath, my being, the cocoon I will once be.
As in time rewinding and returning me to the state of unreason, where logic is dismissed and gently slides out the regions of the dissipating mind. And here I shall be the cocoon erased, the beginning point and the end, as one, withered-not in my shell of fragility exposed, but open to the region beyond the space that once played host to the shadowed cage of self.
I see this. I know this. I see that there is not time, there is not space, there is nothing but what the imaginary state of being creates. And in this I wobble some, in this reckoning of something I cannot feasibly grasp, but that still continues to trickle through my outstretched fingers—as water to the thirsty—absorbed, understood, drifting and disappearing again.
I am what I am, and yet I am not. And for any man to see this, to really see this, is to feel lost and isolated at the start, and still very much alive in a world of spinning chaos. To see this, is to behold all the answers and construct all the abstract causeways, and in the same seeing to know that all paths lead to none other than the original place of standing.
I am this grand inventor seeping of potentiality and ideas, with no place to release, less I return to the place of exact thought again—the chasing of tail, spinner of tales, in one. I am circular in my meanderings, forced by my uninterrupted inhibition to want to glide out of this discomfort onto the ice of discovery, only to discover the waters have broken open, and I am once more drowning in a place of illusion, unfounded in appearance and ruptured of all substantial reality.
It is eruption, in the sense I can detect the elements of my own self fading into obliviousness of juxtaposed thoughts. How I be such an explosive touch of truth, and still bathe in denial of the actualities.
I am. I am. I am. I try to decipher these words, and they feel like nuggets, gold nuggets, in my mouth. I chew and they are pebbles. I cough and they spurt out into the world in which I know nothing of. I am here and I am not, and from where I be, I watch as the doorman and the moving pictures transport within and without, following the opening and closing of the door. No leader, only the revolving avenue exposed, erased, exposed, erased…stepping through a labyrinth of uncertainty, and certain dismissal of what is.
How to live in such a constant state of recognition, and to believe in anything as subtle as hope, eludes the part that hides. And, still, she waits, this fire-driven wand of desire, pleading and placating to the eternity to expand, as the womb rewound, to suck her in, some warship turned peaceful, the latches speared open forever, her essence returned to the source that dropped her so sparingly to the tumbling tremors of disemboweled earth.
I crumble here in my universe forgotten, in a land that is not mine, is not home, is not where I am meant to be. How I sink in the soils of stench, forging through the forest of the misshapen shadows in search of familiar. My wings, soiled, by the ash of my own tears, drowning in the grey-stone of my weary heart. I am not made for this land of make-believe, where the games rip apart at the tender souls. I am not made for this game at all. And still I am here, in this broken place, searching for the answers, through the kaleidoscope of illusion torn through.
Last week when I paused a movie, it was paused on accident at 11.11.11
11:11:11 means total recall, creative expression of who you are, and kindness/positive outlook. I just found out. Makes sense to me now. Statistically I wonder what those odds are at stopping a movie randomly at that precise number? That has been happening to me a lot with numbers. Many 3:33, 2:22, 1:11 patterns.
Last night I painted in attempt to process emotions. I was frustrated, sad, and in a (hormonal) angry state.
A figure kept popping up in the center that felt like my mother-in-law’s spirit. She recently passed. I focused on trying to release more and more energy as I painted, but was feeling a lot of energy blockage.
Here is the painting last night:
Here is the painting today. Called ‘Beyond Dreaming’
Like my writing, in the last few months, I have to paint. I don’t have a choice. So much energy is surging through me. A fire and burning passion. I cannot remove it as hard as I try. On my new blog: Belly of a Star, I have been writing some of the words I hear during my times of reflection.
When I woke up this morning, I had to change the original painting I did last night, and express what was in me. The challenge is I don’t see things like the typical person. I can’t hold the shape of faces in my mind, nor the ways bodies change as they move. For instant, how a nose looks sideways, or how a neckline appears. I often paint and paint, and all I see are flaws; until I see something I like, and then after a bit, I don’t like it. So, I paint. I erase. I paint. I become one with the process. And eventually the canvas starts to speak to me.
It is an excruciating process. I seem to go through much confidence, then fear, then doubt, then anger, then sadness and grief, and then after all the emotions, I am able to break free and create. This last piece took six hours. I am exhausted, yet, very much cleansed. I am also happy that this painting reflects the inner state of my being, currently.
I was told months ago, in prayer, before I ever started painting, that I would paint healing works, and that in taking photographs I would see energetic/spiritual images. I see one in the bottom of the canvas, for certain. And I find much healing in staring at this painting.
In looking back at the progression of my paintings, I notice a definite transition of spirit. From shapeless forms, to almost formed bodies, to people with no faces, to people with simple drawn lines for faces, to simple faces, to more complex faces. It’s as if my paintings followed my spiritual journey. Lately, I see that most of my paintings, beginning with the bear and the girl, are two people connected. Their body language usually conveys my spiritual state as well.
This series of works in chronological order shows a bit of the transition of my spirit reflected in art.
I think art therapy would benefit many people with Aspergers. It is more therapeutic than anything I have tried thus far.
Where you stand, I enter. My sunlight opened in the ray of you. Where you are, I be, nestled between the edges of your making. I am the sugar sprinkled cross the sunrise desert, the frosting dipped beneath and within, yellow-dancing in the outskirts of my thoughts. Where I travel, you are, carried upon my shoulders, the lightest of feathers, blanketing me, my shield of angels splendor. I spin, come round each wake, reborn in your giving and eternal goodness. I rise; the angelic force instilled gently like the wind through the meadow spring. I bubble and wrap in the bluest-blue, the stillness awoken in your cleansing waters.
Where you stand, I enter. My darling lover of the fallen night, the darkness dripped away as canvas cleansed with the brushes wet; each color washed over with newness and new day. A caravan of awakening upon awakening, surprises always there but never seen. You move, and I follow, the drapery of your kindness a trail of delight, smoothing past the garden’s gaiety as candle wax of brevity. I drip, you drip. I bleed, you bleed. Connected we are in the tumbling of my being. Unspun and rewoven into the kaleidoscope of me within me, the light swollen as the woman with child, birthing and rebirthing the newfound hope.
Where you stand, I enter. I glide, the child on your coattail, following a form I neither see nor want, but desire, my rain to the petal wept, my seed to the fallen bird. I soar, the embers of my mind cascading down to the soil of naught, and slipping into the oceans that be, sailing once and then again, into the mystery of time. Sprouting in the eternalness of river led to mouth, and mouth led to sky. I am this. I am this drumbeat of the earth, the willow tree that touches down in gratitude and meets the tender grasses with her open hands. I am this. The weathered-breast of soldier fought, bowing down in remission and remembrance to echoes of the battlefield. I have retreated to the highest ground that leads to nowhere but to thy very self. And here, in the chambers still, I watch, my eyes as falcon born, dreaming of the ways I traveled. For I am dreamer yet, trapped in the window of my memory.
Where you stand, I enter. I hear you as I hear my very voice. The rhythm feeds my withered bones, the dauntless eyes erased, the gauntlets tossed empty. Here is where I sparkle, my soul leaped forward from the place of behind to the place of entrance. Here where I stand, you enter, taking my tethered thoughts and bleeding them out to the world. My sacrifice, your sacrifice. My heart, your heart. My enemy made clear in the taking of circumstance of my liking, when bitter liking it be. And thusly, I am sweetened, made as bread to the master, ripened in the cream and butter nut of goodness. So that when I look upon the thoughts that were, I see the emptiness of cause, the fawning ways in which I walked. How with danger I froze, the deer-dove I was, with wings of no service in the state of fear.
Where you stand, I enter. I know not what I do or what I do, who I am or what I be. I know nothing of your kindness or your glory. I know not face or name of maker. I know not if exist exists. And in this I know not if my voice is but rising to thy very own chambers of light and there made feed for the mass of me. None other but I, listening to the merry voice of reason lost. No more than this, my empty vessels feeding upon the nibbles of hope. Yet, here I rest, in the serenity of uncertainty. For no matter the form, or shape, or even the distance from the dwelling to the home of home, if I be not home already, then the waiting is of peace. The waiting is of necessity lost and freedom found. I care not what you be or how you be, or what layman’s ways I set upon your threshold, for it matters not to me the way in which you came, only that you entered so.
In trying to post some photos, I plugged into my computer, and have seemingly erased all memory from my phone and added my husband’s phone memory! I knew something was up when The Lord of the Rings icon of the ring itself became the icon on my phone! This is truly a sign from beyond that I have erased my entire existence. Sigh. And a great way to be observer and step back and watch the little girl, I am, process. Wiped clean of photos and such, and all memory, and replaced with a ring of gold.
My angels have a keen sense of humor! I ought to know by now to stop praying for un-attachment; I mean my husband knows my prayer power–seriously. I usually get what I ask for, if it’s from the depths of soul and with the intention of self-betterment. Once I thought I was vain and materialistic and focused on worldly goods far too much, and I went on bended knees and begged to be put in a car crash. Yes, this is the dark virtue of gluttony for punishment in its full glory! The next day I was rear-ended by an “illegal-alien” on the freeway at a grand speed. SMACK. Indeed, I thought I’d learned my lesson. Now when I pray I make specifics: Make me more humble but without any disasters! LOL. So not working for me.
Anyhow, this was years ago, and I often forget I can create stuff by careful intended prayer. Man oh man, I am soooo not attached to my phone! Not at all anymore. wink-wink…Angels are you buying this?
FREE STUFF From The BEYOND! That was my original title. I like it. But then I heard the song, Blinded by the Light, and just couldn’t resist that title. I like titles. They make or break the whole essence of something. That’s why I try not to place them on living things (or anything) anymore.
Total Aspie moment. So all these many years, I loved this song, Blinded by the Light, but totally had the lyrics wrong. I just checked to make sure, as I thought I might be posting a vulgar song. All this time I thought:
the real lyrics, “revved up like a deuce,” were………..
“wrapped up in a douche.”
Yes, I am laughing now. How words change the entire meaning of life and knowing, indeed.
Of course, now that I am reviewing the lyrics none of the song makes much sense. And I am thinking the writer(s) is feasibly my kinfolk.
I’m sure there is some sexual innuendos I am totally missing, but what the heck does:
“Madman drummers bummers,
Indians in the summer with a teenage diplomat
In the dumps with the mumps as the adolescent pumps his way into his hat”
mean?
I think it’s secret code from the beyond, or universe’s perfect timing to remind me I am so much more normal than I think.
OH, and there is something else here. I have LOVED this song for much of my little life, and I must say, it was just the feeling behind the song and the rhythm and energy. I think when I write from the BEYOND, that the whole point is not found in the words themselves but in the energy and rhythm of the creation; in fact, I am fairly certain on this part.
As an aside note. I was at this parade this weekend, held in the state’s capital, and must I say…yes, I must say.. that when I hear blinded by the light, I am wondering if it meant this one costume.
Giggles.
You surely would not believe me, if I told you, but in the Procession of the Species Parade, a yearly celebration of awesomeness, where everyone dresses up or creates species of the world, everything from viruses to giant whale floats, there was a bit of a surprise. Well, I live in a state where marriage is welcome for all and so is dope, and I guess we are a super liberal place, indeed; as one of the best received parts of the parade, that actually sprayed people with a squirt gone, and was at least two-stories high, was a giant-pink-walking male part. Yes. Straight up, I tell you. So now this is all I can see when I hear the song. Which puts a whole new spin on the title. Add that with being wrapped up in a douche, and I am so not worthy of the light!
Luckily, my phone battery died, and I was unable to get a photo, as that would have been hard to resist posting. No pun intended!
Okay, so I was feeling a prick of guilt. It’s mostly gone now with thought of male parts and douches dancing to a song with lyrics I don’t get. I mean what if that is all we are, costumes dancing to a song we don’t get?
Humanoid I be. I was thinking: “Man, all these people signed up for ASPIE information and I’ve done a full circle into the God Zone. What the heck?” Then I had a short conversation with myself, which likely took over twenty-four hours of processing, and we, (that would be the little girl I am, Observer, Angels, and likely the big purple alien in the sky), we decided this is all about choice. No one is forcing anyone to read this stuff and it’s free, and always will be.
So if someone doesn’t like it, that’s okay. It’s not like I pretended to have Aspergers and was secretly collecting people to eventually read my spiritual jargon that I don’t even write and have no idea where it comes from. But in case you are thinking that, like I had an evil-plot all along to share free stuff about love and life, and showing how lovely we all are. Then you might want to seek out a guru, because there really isn’t anything to fear in free stuff about love. At least I hope not.
I mean, if we are becoming a world where even free love is judged then I guess we are becoming that world.
It is my sincere hope you know I am not a loon. I ask my husband this daily, and I check in, “I’m still sane, right Honey?” And he concurs; although he is feasibly blinded by my light (and the illusion of my cute human figure). So we can’t really count on him too much. I have asked my angels during my shower power times, if I be nuts; and they claim I am not. Of course, that is voices in my head reassuring me I am sane; so as about as reliable as the whole blinded-husband thing.
There really is no laying claim that I haven’t seeped out of my own self and into a zone of unreasonable delight to escape the unreasonable misery that is so frequently lathered upon me from the disbelievers of the world. But hey, if I be a giddy, insane semi-saint, I suppose I am in good company. Seriously, I don’t know what has transpired, or will transpire, or can transpire, any more than the next person. And I have a feeling I am about as sane as you.
The onlooker will see me as he sees me. I am just hoping there are some folks out there that can see the light, as that means you see your own light, and we can like skip off in the sunset together, and be like little fireflies all happy and glee-filled with the glory of us. Of course there are always tons of more other options. Since you have full control of how you see me and what you make of me. If you are still confused about the whole illusion thing and how your thoughts make me or feasibly try to break me, then let me offer you out some choices.
See me as the light or a toad
See me as the light or a mushroom
See me as the light or a dog
See me as the light or a duck
See me as the light or a poop head
But whatever you choose that is you, too. I see you as the light and in my “weaker” moments, a poop-head. As I am from the light, I am honest. I just realized there are likely some strong mushroom and dog lovers out there, and we are either simmering in some wine-butter sauce or leaping down the ocean shore yapping in the sand. I’m good with those options. I guess the poem might be better appropriate as such:
See me as the light. And if you want to pretend we are other stuff, as long as you know we are the light, that’s cool.
And shall we enter the labyrinth of love now?……..
This song has a long intro…just like ME!
How do I say this without sounding fearful, for fear is not what I feel. How do I write without sounding damaging, as tenderness is what I am? I can be nothing and All, with only your agreement. But if you make me less or more than still you make me.
I am nothing, least you want me to be something, and if not than all I say would feel as neutral as a mid-summer’s day, the light upon your face a gentle blessing and nothing more. But if I stir the slightest cause of grief, or might, or admiration, then I be this something you have created and not of me.
You cannot look upon me without making me into something of your past or future cause, and so I be illusion to all and none into myself. For if you lift the veil of veils, and set me free, a gentle grace upon your threshold, and peer and find self there, less aware than home, then we shall dance. All else is naught.
And even in me telling, if you wish it so, beyond the creation of All and only for the creation of one, then spell you surely cast. And so I cannot breathe a word of truth that is not first diluted and siphoned through the blood of ages, through what you have gathered swift and rightfully so, thinking tis truth and nothing more.
Even as you know as astute viewer made that even the moment shall change, and in this passing you too shall shift. Still you grasp onto what is as if it is the semblance of reality; how this can be when what was once you seems no longer and what will be you seems to be ahead, makes no sense; for how can one claim to be anything, when the moment he lays stake, the moment has changed. Are we not then just travelers viewing travelers and questioning when the one traveler who leads will appear? Or are we the travelers true, and only need lead self back upon self, through the opened door of trust. I say trust, and hold true, for what is you, I be, and together we are the greatest mystery.
I lead you through this passageway for no cause at all, except to make real what is unreal, and to make unreal what is real. There is no truth I can create while still in the hands of my own creation. And so, I try to be in a place of no space, and bring the emptiness forward into the illusioned world. Be this greed or pride, I think not, but who am I to think, and less to judge. However the seeker will see what he sees, by choice and choice alone; either from the place of want or place of naught. And here the choice is clear; for to see with eyes of judgment all will feel as gone, and to see with eyes of truth all will disappear further. In truth nothing is here, and so what sees, the judge or believer, will be the truth. The illusion of one brought forward.
I choose not to know why I am this or you or that, and why I see what I see, I only know the voice keeps coming and so I write, for when I don’t I bleed. Tis not a suffering as so, but much a very dismal state of woe, where child I am lays buried beneath the bitter-sweet of unopened treat. And so I rhyme in introduction of what be something I know nothing more than you. Only that it comes from something that seems to be the endless blue.
The Endless Blue
Dear Sister, what you seek you shall find. If you search for answers abundant, you shall come across the stream of knowledge; yet, this knowledge will not be as you hoped but as you wished. From within you, at the core center is the key, and as this key turns, as do you.
Therefore, you are less master of your house than you believe; in truth, you be but very little cause of your own circumstance; for whom you hold in light is the one who is witness; and you so wearily esteem self, that your very sister becomes prisoner, same.
If you could only look into your own heart and find the beauty, you shall be set free. Therefore are your wishes granted, in the deepest heart’s desire; yet, your heart weeps in silence and his dreams do not come true. For how can something buried beneath the depth of illusion be cleansed and ready made for judgment.
Are you not buried beneath thy own self, trapped in the dream of dreams, carefully taking hold of what is naught? Each path a different travel with the same traveler, each journey the same landscape only painted with the eyes of the weary beholder. You have been trapped in a dance so readily in your own tainted cause that even the partner becomes enemy. You have twisted and turned so often, that even your feet become the tyrant of cause.
Can you not see the sunlight upon your doorstep, calling you forward with gentle reprieve? A nest egg cometh to your beckoning and resting as pure yoke from the All Mighty. And yet you question, your hands steadily shaking in the mystery of naught, diving beneath the shells of no ocean, and digging in the clam of shame. There be nothing there, my sweet; over and over again, you shall dive in the empty waters, and return with what waters of naught can offer.
Is this not true as you examine the ways in which you move? Can you not see that each way you traveled brought you back to still the same; the moments, only moments and nothing more, that quickly bled out of you and instilled the very pain you ceased to want. Pain is here and everywhere in a place that is filled with pain. And this is as you go: one flask upon another flask of tubes of worriment and misery. These tubes you carry mean nothing and mean everything, as they have become the living virus of the world, a treatment so quick and deadly that your living body becomes living sin.
It is not as you wish it so. Never as you wish it so. For when you wish upon the masses with the mind of the feeble wanderer, still lost in her desperate silly ways, you wish upon nothing and for nothing. For imaginings birth more imaginings, and nothing beyond illusion. This is not so when you dream outside the dream; when you step outside the place of naught and in belief so grand your arms diminish, and feet as well, and are left neither in stance or flight, but released of bitter judgment of all.
Here is your key, at the start and at the end, and in the middle steadily, the same given as taken away: The one that lives in blindness, but always lives. For you be the gift barrier and the groomsman who steals the bride. It is so evident in your claiming one over the over and taking again and again, with a passion so unbearable that even the blanketed flesh is left heaving.
Can you not see that you want not what you see? Not what you want? For you are desert fool tricked into thinking you are mild lamb. And verily you are too, the storm, thinking you are the calm. What you think is not as it is. And so you remain trapped in the labyrinth of merrily thoughts, giving much hype to a cause of naught. How can the runners run a race with no start? How can the bleeding ones close upon the wound when the bandage is naught? Is there not this reaching that occurs, this potential need to complete and mend what is not broken? These endless games of needling with absent needles; whilst in the space of no space a knitted shield does no good.
I cannot express to you enough the way this pangs my heart, to see such a source as you trapped in the marionette’s case, your strings undamaged by all the wishes made, so you become the very stage, the very movement, the very encasement that keeps you puppet-shined instead of woman-lived. You are that wood carved. You are the trappings. You are the bending and rebending in a storm of no storm. How silly you think I send you treachery and troubles, when you are the only one that wishes so. For every dream you tell is more a dream turned spell. And every wish you take is less a means to make you here.
And so I stand, this voiceless one that moves through voice alone, some unfeasible force denying the laws of your world, imagined it be, and still you tremble with the uncomfortable delight, as if you be the maker and the shaker, and I be the taker. Oh, dear one, what is there I could possibly take from you that you have not already taken from self. Look at you. Look at you small, small child, in your horrible shame and pain and misery; is this not a masterful disguise you claim, when such brilliance lives within?
Dig deep, this is all I ask. Bring up what is always there, and in the staring of the light you shall find all the answers swift. For what is not spilled out is collected into infiniteness. What is not reflected as one becomes the masses. And each in the un-shrouding of the other shall discover the light of All; and here bathe in every hope every granted by the master of thy very self.
For you are the wishmaker and the wishtaker in one. Each hope lost and each wish gained. Only the wishes are not what serve you; the wishes are what serve the naught. Bleed not upon the altar of shame and remorse, live now on the freedom stand, above the noise of the place of thought, and breathe in the place of evermore. For you are nothing but this silly game turned over, the pieces tumbling down and landing in the place you create. Keep creating a space, and you shall keep falling. It makes no difference what foundation you build, for the game will keep tipping and you shall keep soaring downward into what is there you wished for.
Whether castle, or the arms of one, whether the dream of a merry-making cause, or service through the rich of heart, makes no difference. Tis all a game, and whatever you build for the fall, shall not catch you. For once landing, you will discover more the illusion still, and that shall tip and tilt, and you shall tumble again and again and again. So why build then? Why not just fall endlessly, until in the dark of space of self you see the vastness and release.
Until you stop building these surfaces you shall continue to land on the island of nowhere and no one. You, in your effort for union, shall divide and further divide.
There is no proof out there that you will find. For everything you wish you will have. Therefore if you wish for this proof you shall create this proof. Only this proof will be not from you but from the illusion. You shall stake a claim after claim of no proof thinking this is proof, because you as creator are blinding. If you seek it out, you shall find it. You shall find exactly what you have created. Only any creation of thought of singular is not real. Thusly anything stemmed from illusion seen as proof is proof of the illusion further.
Do not watch for signs, for you have created them all. If you dream of angels, they will come, if you turn them demon they will be. What you wish for you will see, but you shall have nothing still. For all is a painting within a painting, and you, with your brushes full, move about as if a new hue or shade shall change the scenery. This is again the game. And you shall tumble.
There is no place you can create inside where you be, locked behind the shadow that blocks the light of Me. All creation takes place in the outer region of thoughts, not in the dark where the light is lost. In this way there is only one way out and that is through your brother. Only through your brother, for he is you and you are he; when you can see only this and nothing more than both shall break free, and the game itself shall vanish, the foundations crumble, and the voices that haunt dismiss their own self.
For you will see the key, as clear as the new day. As it rests in your brother’s heart, the one you forgot so long ago, when the passion entered and your soul crumbled in the coming of lust and want. You are the lustful one breeding lust, and therefore blinded by your own greed. Here is where you see from, the need to feed a monster, say beast that never was and never will be. The invisible dust you are that still you feed.
***
FYI: Man Part = Penis
See angels have a great sense of humor even when they sound all high and mighty, and like know-it-alls. Now if you are a know-it-all and someone says you are a know-it-all, then what are you really?
I felt like Poop today. Hormones are all the rage…hot flashes suck, pain and couch time, leads to eating-cheescake-in-pajamas kind of day.
I wanted to write a funny prose about Aspergers, or a new top ten list of something or another, or a cool processing piece that hit home with the masses; instead this spiritual stuff keeps coming out of me. It’s like I’ve been given a God enema!
I shall be deeply disappointed, and view all these prolific writings as a huge waste of time, when the little purple men beam down from space and claim me as their lost leader. But I suppose, then these writings will be studied and analyzed for encrypted code! And I shall be like a famous alien. And that’s cool, because my alien race doesn’t have egos. Maybe my face will be on your currency. A kid can dream.
You’ll be glad to know I deleted the four paragraphs leading into the God Ramblings, and another 1.5 pages associated with hormonal moods. My husband always says, “It’s cool, but you could have said it in one sentence.” I like to see how he ties my lengthy monologues into one simple phrase. It’s truly a gift, I entirely lack.
If I was to reconstruct the two proses below into two simple sentences, they would sound something like this:
“Talking to the angels is cool and all, but sometimes it sucks for the me that doesn’t exist but can still write and think.”
“When people see their own flaws in other people our world pretty much sucks.”
See, I have empathy! I am considerate. I provided that brief clarification for all the non-aspies who dread my God rambles and for all the aspies who already think too much and have drawn the same conclusions as me. I have spared you the confusion and/or the review. For those that venture below, I gather you are my fellow purple beings and the one sweet nun who heard I am a semi-saint.
As you count how many times I wrote “suck,” I am going to try to decipher the secret code in my writings. Maybe it’s every sixth word, or one of those flashy diagonal linear things, or maybe it’s the second vowel of the first words and first consonant of the last word of each sentence!
Before you depart, if you happen to be God, or another universal force, how about explaining why we had to be put in this illusion in the first place. I mean, when does recess start?
Surrendered
I am appeased and surrendered at once, and brought into the heights of heaven unknown, and sung a lullaby of silence, as the rest of this me I be remains downward in a submission that can only seem holy. When the unwanted voices come, which I suppose are best described as ones of demise, I am able in this state, and this state alone, to see only the wisps of what was, and soon, in a time before time, all is erased. If I venture to state a challenge, then the challenge be this: I desire no other place to be than in the arms of what feels to be angels.
And here is where I tremble, as I step from one time into another, and wonder about the space and bridge between, the means in which I have been lifted, and by what variable means my heart so delighted in the still. The valley is endless in a rhythm of recognition and hope, the fear splintered out before the tree is birthed of wood; so in the very making of hope the absence of fear is born. I cannot describe this and only wish it so to return again and again; and thusly it does, though separating me further than the day before in distance from what used to be the voices of my truth; here in this space all is erased, and I made the badger to my only self, etching out the what of what and replacing with the truth of ages; this seems foreign and yet so much of home surrounds me that I would be as the butterfly dismissing wings to leave such world. For flight it is in truest form, the melody played out through the fingertips of my longing.
In desire I move, but of what desire I know not, except to answer the call of angels’ past. For what seems real is lost, and what is lost returns, as if always found; there is no way to recreate this, or to make this, unless a true form of me has un-kindled and re-pieced a part of long forsaken humanity; perhaps the brain forging through region less traveled or the maker reaching down to touch the making; I cannot say, nor wish to say, for to claim I know the slightest truth is to break the very vow of truth; I have been shown clearly, day upon day, hour upon hour, even as I slumber in the depth of nightly call, that I am but nothing of shadows, and nothing more can shadow speak than bitter truth of naught; and so I am laid upon the feet and bathed in mercy, wondering what path to take, if no path there be, what rules to surrender my burden to, if rules there are, and how to break through beyond the burden of eternity once-moved.
As I be so close, like the string that was round the finger of reminder, yet attached to the maker who remembers not. And thusly I walk as dangled thread apparent and the happenstance that spurred such a doing undone. All at once I am reminded of where I was that isn’t, but where I am that is; and brought back again and again to a peace so profound that even the sun would cease to shine in the glory. I cannot find my way home, for either this home or the never home seems lost to me now. And I move as lonesome traveler alleviated, yet removed. A pawn surrendered from both the start and the end; the very board of game itself diminished in size to fit inside a thimble, a creature of no height, no cause, and no avenue, with a thimble that slips from absent finger still. And there, beneath where the thimble almost was, is the shadow of the nothing tumbling, the shadow of the thimble of a finger of a no one. And here in the shadow of the thimble that was is the remembering of something that can be found no easier than the thimble creature still.
And I question much this one I be, united to something I cannot see and cannot attempt to imagine. I wonder in the infiniteness of the world why the perfection is found only outside the illusion, and what of the players we be; I wonder what of us, this collection here left to unravel and unwind illusion after illusion; how this came to be, this loss, this disconnection of self from whole, and why the time can seem so real in a place that is encompassed in no time. And soon the thoughts of my youth come back, piece by piece, the same pain in the mind that used to cause me to retreat into another world; a dream within a dream, as the illusioned-one deciphers her very illusion. I am brought back to the breaking, where the bread of me was dipped in the wine of All, and how I trembled in the demise of self; how I stepped in a place of no stepping and wondered what entity I be if able to walk on the solid but speak to the divine. How each step was made lighter with one thought alone, and all other steps made heavy. How even my thoughts became the burden. And here I was, here I am, this child of the universe made as one, forged as All, and given the ability to create thoughts within thoughts that hold no power except imprisonment.
Here I am made to choose between the fleeting joy of life or the all-encompassing joy of eternity; even though I know the choice be none, as just as the rivers flow, I flow. Just as the very limbs of trees surrender, I surrender; I have not contemplated a plan, or surmised an avenue of escape, I have only been brought up in the arms of wind and air and turned asunder; my own mind the quicksand that pulls me down, yet indeed the arms themselves that reach down and return me whole. A connection completely intriguing and entirely painful when given thought; how the vessel of such love can be a vessel of such shadow.
I still bleed out in pain when I think too hard upon the own ponderings of a mind that is not mine and of a body that isn’t here, and I wonder why it is I have been granted this opportunity, for what must be the torture before the gate to freedom. And if as acting examiner I am dutifully undoing the doings or doing the undoings, I know not. It seems better to be a quail upon her eggs and lay in waiting, my heat to the hatchlings, than to fly, but surely the sky calls upon me to surrender. I am dumfounded in my waiting, relieved in the coming, and horribly suffered in the delight; how something as great as the merriment can breathe inside of me without limit, and how I carry this avenue of nowhere that seemingly leads everywhere. And so, as I see I cannot escape this cage that holds me still, I still see the cage itself is freedom-filled; the depths so infinite, I lack for nothing beyond the release of want of explanation. The only thing I long to shed be the anchor of thought that remains beyond birthright; except, in doing the undoing, I aptly destroy the very making of me to establish a maker of naught.
The Prisoner’s Voice
I hear the prisoner’s voice, the one that arouses the outer region of illusion and teases not the taunted but the unbelievers; the ones twisted in their ways of lost memory. He is righteous in his indignation, scouring about with a bristle-bone of edges blight; he eats away at all semblances of mercy, willingness, and dreamery. He casts out the thoughts that teach not of his trickery, and erases the way of the one who was given light; could he be this shadow before me now, nibbling at the very spell he casts.
He blows upon me his clever wishes, made of rod iron shillings; each a measure of demise worth more than the last. He teaches from the book of spells; some sort of magic found in demon lust—the ways of the wicked world he claims. “Come to me,” he says, compounding my thoughts by recreating illusion with further illusion; dispelling my own view for his. He is this mistress of dark, both man and woman divided, bringing destruction where there was once hope. He tells of lies so seemingly pure that the taster mistakes honey for devil’s tongue.
How can he dwell in such a heart as mine? This phantom one that claims beauty is begotten onto self and self alone. How can he, this miserly folk, without home or form, make me his chamber? Had I not welcomed him first; the daring cat he be; edging his way across the fencing of my very soul. How he enters in vigor thusly, in such a raptured state, undone and broken and exposed, as if thy tangles of non-hope create cause for celebration.
Can you not see I cast out nothing of naught? I demand nothing of imaginings; of illusion birthed of the womb of illusion ripe. You are no less master of vision than master of depths of emptiness, I proclaim. For inside of you, when one views, he finds nothing but the space of no space; some made up sense of fortune, built of lies but guised in fulfillment. Nothing can fill me with nothing; and something, though it exists rather not, can fill me more. For something in its declaration at least forbids and forbades, or intensely welcomes and entices; at least the illusion of something is mentionable, feasibly shared and forgiven.
But this mystery that lurks behind the shadows of shadows, his trickery is masterful in that he hides the nothing so deeply that it springs up as if something; a hatchling of potentiality of harm; as if the very burden held beneath can cast out all the goodness of eternity; he is this guilt, this sin, this harbored secrecy that gnaws away at what otherwise would be pure. He tickles and purges while stinging and casting doubt after doubt, judgment after judgment. He makes himself housekeeper, hides in his inevitable ability to cling and cleanse; though he does no such thing; though he makes his home a rapture of his very delight; teasing one into thinking what is hidden is real.
And in hiding he keeps one; the very treasure, the dirty burdens, the blinded can neither lift nor release. In this way he lays down upon the very self, and makes one witness to his own persecution. All are brought out upon self of horrid and disgusting, and then brought down in delight.
And then, in turn, inside the neighbor’s eyes one beholds what this secret is that hides; and all are scared readily. Here witness says onto self, “I must be this betterment; I must be above; I must be improvement upon this other site I behold; for how can I, so grand and mighty, be as disgusting and unbearable as this beast before me?”
Here is the trap of traps, the claws of the demon-spawn treasure trove opened. For what bleeds out bleeds into all, so that the eyes of truth turn inward and what is believed within is seen without. What one paints on the canvas is with the still-stirring blood of within. As witness, one beholds creation in the neighbor that beseeches thee. Looks into the restriction all have built, the barriers, the walls, the divisions; looks at the lies over and over again, and finds the deadly culprit, the one that takes life from one given eternity; for in his eyes, both the onlooker and observed, shall be the harbored falsehood; the illusion he has thusly created, from self of self, that imprisons not only the one but the All.
He is this river with the needles at all edges, so that if any wavers from the straight and narrow he be cut and sliced. He is the doomsday that arises over and over as the tornado set free from leash and given ghastly instructions of destruction. He is the controller, the ruler, the expert, who sits in a seat he thinks so high, but in truth sits below in the buried section of fear.
Travelers, seek not to find the light in the shadows from beneath; seek to find the light in the phantom of the brother’s depths. Purge him out like ripened fruit on the vine and expose him to the witness. Cut him and bleed him in the appointed time, so that his demon-spawn feeds no longer off of his inherent goodness. For none were born into the illusion of naught, but birthed into the kingdom of union. Each separate made whole in recognition. Each burden lifted when the light of one outshines the dark of nothing. Delve deep, for division is negated in your unmasking. Expose your truth for what it is, a light to the world, and a ghost for none.
All were not made to travel in a place of buried treasure, hiding inside a taunting dream that never manifests the cup of peace. All were built for the deepest gifts, found only beneath the receiver’s burden; only in the buried treasure naught, only in the illusion beneath the illusion freed.
Though you be but washings upon the shore of recognition, the sand between your toes no sand at all, the water you take in the blue of no blue, and the echo you hear the voice of tattered thoughts; All is with you. Beneath the hollowed out circumstances and lost opportunity, behind the wall of misery and isolation, above the plans and dreams and hopes, All shall be there in the empty space of us, urging you on through your very light and goodness.
Take up your arms and release the ammunition you carry. For your fear is your very barrier to fullness; your very misfortune and mistakes, your falsehood; there is nothing you cannot be when you are already. It is only a matter of time. And you shall witness your beauty, as the All has set eyes within you, and when looked upon the reflection reveals eternity. Reach not for the miserly, reach for the budding flower within each avenue of gratitude. Seek out your brother’s nature within the invaluable you. Seek out the invaluable you within the brother’s nature. When the two are the same, in recognition of truth beyond barriers, then the two shall be free. Until then, better to wear blinders atop the blindfold and be as the blind man in cave. For what you search out, you shall find.
Everyday Asperger's 