492: I am Still

I am still fighting self-instilled rules in my head.
I still bounce back and forth in thinking I can change the essence of me.
I still guilt myself into thinking something is wrong that needs altering.
I am still me.

I am still hurting from simple words spoken by another.
And still wonder what words that I speak cause harm.
I over evaluate my utterances, my actions, my unspoken thoughts, still.
I am still me.

I am still processing the concept of love.
I am still processing the concept of anger.
I am still baffled and cornered by both: the romantic and the raging.
I am still me.

I am still trying to understand how to be in this world.
I am still desperately alone in my isolation.
I am trying and trying to move out into the place of union, still.
I am still me.

I am still within myself, lost and searching.
I am still in a rainbow of thoughts.
Still, still, still drowning in the avenues of constant awareness.
I am still me.

I am still battling the voices that are never spoken.
I am still listening to a scenario in my head that doesn’t exist.
I am still defending myself before the enemy arises.
I am still me.

I am still giving it my all to become that which I am not.
I am still following the rules blindly that cause disaccord.
I am still trying to please those whom can’t be pleased.
I am still me.

I am still longing for passion and magic.
I am still searching for a place to call home.
I am still a traveler starved.
I am still me.

I am still questioning how one lives asleep when she is awake.
I am still wondering where the other piece of me exists.
I am still reaching for the star inside of me.
I am still me.

I am still questioning the places people go to seek comfort.
I am still exploring my own mind’s temporary truths.
I am still watching as observer as the world seems all but illusion.
I am still me.

I am still hoping and hoping and hoping for something or someone.
I am still wondering where he or it or we are.
I am still twirling in a whirlwind of open confusion.
I am still me.

I am still to the crying voice in my seasons.
I am still to the pounding heart in my chest.
I am still. I am still. I am still.
I am forever still me.

~ Sam Craft, Everyday AspergersPhoto on 4-19-14 at 6.42 PM

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9 thoughts on “492: I am Still

  1. That is so beautiful and perfectly timed. I was diagnosed with aspergers 5 days ago and it’s been a whirl wind of confusion, thoughts, melt downs and exhaustion. I feel like I have walked into the matrix and life as I saw it and analysed it to be isn’t so.

  2. Beautiful poem ❤ The first paragraph really resonated with me. "I am still fighting self-instilled rules in my head." Every day.

    "I still bounce back and forth in thinking I can change the essence of me. I still guilt myself into thinking something is wrong that needs altering." This has been a long process for me. Learning that I can let go of my need to alter. Let go of the idea that I am somehow broken. I can let it go. Even though I know that, I cling to it still because it is all I have ever known. All I have ever known is that I am not good enough. I need to change. I need to be just a little different here and a lot different there. It is hard to find self-acceptance when you've never had acceptance. ❤

    Lovely poem. I'll have to come back and read it again.

    1. Sam’s words are so real, so helpful in learning to own, accept and yes, celebrate who we are. The world doesn’t understand us well – but I believe we have lots to offer. You are beautiful the way you are.

  3. Glad to be alerted via email to your most recent post, Sam. Was beginning to worry about your absence. Appreciate posts as and when you are ready to share, but I hope that our ephemeral attentions and empathy reciprocate the effect of your astute, gentle artistry of words so intimately shared with us. Hugs.

  4. I have been obsessively reading through your posts all day. I have never felt like I can relate to someone more in my life. When I read your stories about losing friends I laughed and cried because it literally sounded like a movie of my life. Long story short, this year has been one of the toughest of my life, after a series of unfortunate events I have been going to counseling, on medication for depression and anxiety, but nothing seems to be working for me. About a week ago I started praying furiously that God would show me what step to take next, help me understand myself, etc. I can’t explain how, but I started getting strong feelings to research Asperger’s. Every article I read set off bells in my head. I took a few online tests and every one diagnosed me as a woman with Asperger’s. I have stopped taking my medication and I have an appointment with a psychiatrist in two weeks. I’m hoping she can give me an “official” diagnosis so that I can begin getting the help I need. Even though there is no doubt in my mind and I really don’t need anyone to tell me, I have been anxious and worried about what she will say because I am used to no one understanding me. ANYWAYS I was wondering if maybe we could e-mail or such because I feel that I could learn a lot from your experiences. THANK YOU for your posts. I want you to know how much of a help you have been to me already. I hope to one day understand myself enough so that I can help other women understand themselves.

  5. It is such a powerful poem. I read it over and over again during the last weeks. It speaks to my deepest sorrow in such a different way. I dont have aspergers, but adhd ( the more turned to the inside add), and jet i recognise so much. Thanks Sam. And thanks for all the other interesting posts on your side. Ulla ( Denmark 🙂 )

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