483: The Void

Somewhere out there you are lonely. I see you. I feel you.
You have this compassionate void within, a great abyss, massive in girth and depth.
There is no end to it: your beacon home.
You grasp at straws, at significant concrete ideas, thoughts, and concepts, even people, in an attempt to understand this absence, this missing, this grand emptiness.
So grand is your space of void that you long to fill it with whatever comes.
Sometimes the comings are tragic, sometimes wild, sometimes fulfilling, sometimes long-lasting, but they always dissipate.
You are left with memories slathered in pain, no matter the causation. You are left abandoned to yourself and your doings, in a state of query and mishap, shaken and made awake. Further awake.
This happens again and again, this searching out with your great capacity, an opening of self to what is there.
You take into you this, this substance, whatever the measure.
And you embrace it there, in your deepest self, twisting and turning the angles, figuring out in your limitation what could be, and forgetting what is.
There is a dichotomy inside of you, in which you love yourself, the innate you, yet also punish yourself for false failings.
You long to be someone else, as you embrace who you are.
Deep within you honor and respect your light, your goodness.
But beyond that you become confused in this world, isolated, alone, burdened.
This is your journey, and my journey, lost in a way, and found just the same.
There exists an ache so substantial that you live to alleviate the agony.
Day in and day out such intense longing.
We mistake this longing for love, for future hope, for him or her, for this or that.
The craving is the loving search for source, for truth, for light.
And in here we bathe.
Reach not for what is there, but for what is within, and your answers remain, as always, readily attainable.
Turn not to another, for the other is not the way.
You are this ‘way’ in your effervescent glow.
I cannot remove such suffering, even as I try ten-fold to release myself.
The suffering stays, and only grows greater.
What I can do is speak my voice, my truth, and seek harbor in the safety of awakened awareness.
I can go to the core of self and bring up what is there beyond the mask.
This is your calling, too. This is the void.
To embrace yourself fully in all your perceived failings. To love yourself in completion, and in turn give to the world what you have found within your being.
Purge, die, renew your essence, and give back your true light.
I wait for you on the other side, my burden heavy, my heart pierced, my enemy awake.
I wait and wait and wait, until a thousand deaths fall upon me.
And then I shall rise, with us in the horizon, with us in the rising sun.
You are my answer and I am yours.
We must awaken to the dream that is us, and begin to live the dream that is now.

9 thoughts on “483: The Void

  1. Thank you for sharing – and for being so open.

    I think that having the gift of “sight” can sometimes feel like a curse because it can make us feel so alone as we try to share what we see/feel/grasp with the rest of the world (and language, as you allude to, is not always up to the task). It is like we are alone wrestling a dragon, and those around us not only don’t see the dragon, they rarely even recognize that there is anything untoward going on. It can be so lonely when those around us don’t understand why we are so overwhelmed with the daily, hourly, minute by minute experiences we sometimes face.

    But it is a rare and precious gift that we have. We have to help each other to have courage and to not feel so alone. I am more convinced now than ever (as a result of being exposed to yours, and the words of others in the aspie community) that we have a gift that, if we can be brave enough to overcome our fears, will be part of what helps to bring hope to humanity. We can often see what most people miss. What we see, when we look without fear is, more often than not, beautiful and whole and good. . . . and in that looking we recognize the way forward, the sustainable, whole, connected, beautiful way forward.

    Take care of yourself. You offer so much encouragement and hope through your powerful sharing. Thank you.

  2. Another great post. I love reading them. Thank you.
    You write so well. …I do not feel as alone and misunderstood when I read your posts. I take comfort in knowing I am not alone. Thank you Sam.

  3. The ultimate and unfortunate reality..”To punish one’s self for ‘false failings”. Bingo!!

  4. Hi Sam, your post resonates deeply, so glad I found your blog … I have connected this experience to a “black hole” and “big bang” … and I’m wondering if you can connect to that … I have not been diagnosed yet after reading some of the characteristics now specific to women I don’t have any doubts. With appreciation, Lee

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