392: Miracles in the Making! Aspergers anxiety gone.

Lately, for about fifteen days, I have been able to alleviate most of my fear about everyone and everything.

This is the first time in my life I remember feeling this way. I suppose as a young girl, I had many moments of carefree-wonderment; but since my teenage years I have been prone to bouts of depression and, to put it mildly, emotional suffering. I don’t know exactly what is different now except that spiritually I have accepted a part of myself that I previously pushed down.

I hesitate to say spirituality has been a fix, or an avenue of escape from the constant anxiety. However the past two weeks are a testimony that I have made changes. I definitely say for me that my relief seems to have come from Spirit. I like to call this the Holy Spirit, related to the holy trinity in the Catholic faith, and also related to a part of mysticism of the more ancient (previously buried and hidden) early Christian gospels. In addition, I feel a connection to the works of well-known ‘New Age’ authors such as Wayne Dyer, Ram Dass and Caroline Myss. I have studied some of the Catholic saints and am an avid reader of Buddhist texts, and incorporate many of the Buddhist spiritual practices. I have found some comfort in wisdom derived from aspects of the Kabbalah, Sufism, and A Course in Miracles. And I still cherish my Catholic Bible. You could say I’ve got my bases covered. All-in-all, I think this eclectic spiritual approach, which involves in-depth studies, concentration, and absorption, and at times variable periods of fixation, is what has given me a foundation in which to start to pull apart the continual pain and frustration I was feeling.

Through my readings and studies, prayer, writings, and faith in healing, I have been afforded the opportunity of visions and, in my opinion, remarkable realizations of self, Aspergers, and my spiritual life. If one ventures back through the past few posts, it is evident that some profound creation has been forged through me. My husband has noticed what he would call “astounding” and “mind-altering” changes in me.

What I am seeing in reflection is this:

I had a core base of fear built on a foundation of distrust of other people. I had to learn, above all, how to learn to love myself and to love other people unconditionally. This was a huge undertaking that involved processing through writing, prayer and exploration of emotions. I took a hard deep honest look at all aspects of myself that I could feasibly find, and used an audience of my husband and other people as a sounding board and spring-board for further discovery. I don’t think my healing would have advanced had I not held in my mind a potential audience to read my works and share in my journey. Journals and diaries never worked for me, as they were short-lasting special interests. Having an audience appealed to me because I could put on stage the part of me undergoing excavation and slip into a “role” or alternate “persona.”

This process of taking on a role is similar to the times I was an actress on a real stage or a cheerleader in high school, where I was able to exist and interact with others because I wasn’t me. Whoever I was inside (the real me), during this time, was lost. I know that now. Who I was at the core, behind all the personas and roles, got lost in the process of trying to conform.

I have a natural ability to step outside of myself and view self. I have found that several spiritual practices consider this an important step in self-discovery and spiritual growth. I naturally did this because I didn’t have a choice; but in doing so, in stepping back and observing this other me, the roles I took on, I had ample opportunity to find out how I moved in the world through observation of self. When I adapted this new role of “person healing self” to an audience, I was able to observe.

It seems for most of my life I had the “lost me” hidden and out of sight, the “role” me—which fluctuated, and then the “observer” me who stepped back and watched the transitions and progressions. Interestingly, the observer has never changed, the “role” me has always changed, and the real “me” has always hidden—until now.

In being filled with the Holy Spirit, (I can also see my experience easily transferable to the description of awakened, living in the now, etc. depending on someone’s comfort zone.), I have been able to reclaim the lost me. She has come out of hiding and replaced the “role” me. And the “role” me seems to have gone. Observer is still here to a heightened degree. Now I (the observer) am able to watch the “me” who was in hiding for decades and help her through aspects of life. Before the observer could not help me much because I always changed when taking on new roles: parts that were ever fleeting, unpredictable, and non-authentic. When I was in a role, I was not me. I thought I was me at times, but I always changed, lessened, increased, or vanished. I became a chameleon out of desperation and without choice. There was no willingness involved in changing roles; they just happened. And I didn’t know they had happened until they (the personas I had taken on) were leaving. For instance, I might take on the role of a college student or a spiritual teacher, and that would become my entire identity and focus. All would be centered about this new self, I finally believed I was.

This time is different. A new role hasn’t surfaced. I have resurfaced. I feel like I have reached back in time and reconnected with the little girl lost. And I love her. I adore her and want to share her with the world. I have relatively little to no fear introducing her to people, as she is me. At last I am me. This is huge in the dynamic-life-shifting sense.

I believe that I was only able to retrieve my little girl because I relived all she had suffered, gave it recognition, let her be seen, and then released her through the act of forgiveness.

I understood ultimately she was an innocent and pure one. All shame vanished and all blame. This came about after I spent months forgiving people in my life that I still felt any emotion beyond love for. These emotions usually were associated with fear—well always with fear, but they manifested as: grudges, blame, anger, anxiousness, disgust, and so on. I focused beneficial thoughts on the people I had made villains in my mind; I did this through visualizations, meditations, writing and prayer. I made myself forgive them over and over, until nothing remained, until I could think of them and see nothing but a person who had done an action that had affected me, but that I no longer held responsible for said action. I don’t know how I reached this point, but I did, and I know it took dedicated effort and heartfelt intention.

After my total clearing house of forgiveness occurred, more room inside of me was available for my healing, I suppose. Here is when something entered me, which seems to have been akin to dramatic self-love, self-respect, reassurance, and inner knowing. Also, I believe that Spirit began to take hold, as I was dedicated to prayer and never gave up hope.

Some of the dramatic changes (Miracles) in my life that have occurred:

Where I once lived my every day with constant thoughts of analysis and processing, especially loops of fixations (in the past usually associated with a love interest, friend, or an illness), now I have a profound silence in my mind.

My energy is not depleted in crowds. I no longer find myself preparing in fear to leave the house, but preparing in joy. I no longer feel the need to carry the rosary, stones, or protective spray with me. I have no need to protect myself from anything. I feel as if I radiate a goodness and wholeness, and I am confident in who I am and how I walk. While I might still have sensory-sensitivities to textures, sounds, and smells, I am less prone to let them bother me. I can talk myself through it or take simple protective measures without the panic or fear.

While I am in crowds or in any environment, I am no longer lost in thought. I am not analyzing and dissecting all I see and all I am taking in. I am just being. I am observing as the little girl like all is magic and beautiful again. I am joy-filled again and able to navigate the world with a fresh and innocent viewing, instead of a fear-based perspective.

When I am in conversation, I feel as if I am in a state of grace. I behold the person with a silence in my mind and when I respond I connect to spirit. If I feel a worry about what I said or how I said something, observer comes in and helps me clear the fear. I have no need for outcomes in conversation, for defense, to prove a point, to fix, or to prove anything. I just am with no intention but being. I don’t worry about what another is thinking about me.

I no longer categorize people and place them into boxes. Before in public, I was exhausted, as I took in everyone I saw and sectioned them into where I thought they belonged. In retrospect, I believe this behavior was a protective strategy stemmed from fear of being hurt, surprised, or attacked. I based this fear on past experiences of repeated rejection and repeated confusion. I had no idea how often and how much I did this. It was so much a natural part of living and my processing. And I cannot stress enough how tiring this was. Now when I am out in public I am reminding myself that my perception is flawed, that everything I know is not real, that all my past was preconditioned and programmed. Here I have had huge help by bringing up aspects of living in the now, being present and seeing life as an illusion. (I have done this by incorporating a combination of many spiritual truths). In living in the present moment, I don’t go into the past to describe what I am seeing or attempt to sort it out. This process of not sorting others began in me a couple of months ago. Everywhere I went I started redirecting my thoughts. If I saw, in example, a “heavy, rich, black woman,” I would tell myself this is all illusion. She is another living being of light and nothing more. I would then repeat something easy to my mind that didn’t hurt, as sometimes types of thinking hurt. I simply said: beautiful, beautiful, beautiful or love, love, love. I practiced this where ever I went. I still could see the person with labels but eventually the labels were replaced by silence. If the labels come now, observer steps in and gently removes them.

I was able to release judgment of people. For most of my life, I had honed in on others and used in combination an intuitive and logical ability to analyze people. This happened through non-verbal and verbal-cue, and what seemed to be the energy of the person. I had had a “seeing” ability since I was a young child. I realize now that this truly was not a gift, as it did me no good. In truth, it was a curse. Everywhere I went, inside of others, I saw fear, anger, spite, depression, insecurity, self-righteousness, deception, cockiness, rudeness, etc. Recently, through revelation and vision, and much spiritual readings, I realized I was choosing to see the negative of people. And just because I could, didn’t mean I had to. I prayed about wanting this released. I wanted to see the light in everyone, and nothing more. Within two days a miraculous thing happened. My ability to see what other people lacked was replaced with the ability to see immeasurable beauty. Why? Because I wished it so and sacrificed my fear-based need to feel “special.” This seems to have been an ego-based survival skill from the start; something I brought upon myself to navigate through a world of falsehoods, particularly in communication. I understand now that I saw myself as negative and wrong and flawed, and so I projected this onto other people. I was choosing always to see what I wanted to see, even though I thought I was detecting these hidden mysteries. This was a game I invented, at a very real and authentic level, thinking if I could figure people out I would stay “above” them and “better” than them, and avoid potential harm. The key was in loving myself and realizing no one’s words or energy can harm me. They just can’t. Once I accepted this, love became my new truth. For years I had been perpetually holding myself prisoner. I firmly believe this, and the miracles I have seen in the last couple of weeks are confirming that in the past I was choosing to see “non-beneficial” things. In choosing to see the good of people, more and more good is coming to me. By good I mean aspects of beauty and awareness, because ultimately in my belief system nothing is good or bad.

I am attracted to everyone. Before for much of my life I feared if I lost my husband, I would be alone and miserable for life. I was so picky about physical attributes and about personality that I doubted I would find anyone, if ever I found myself a widow. Morbid and fear-based thought indeed, but nonetheless true for me in the past. Now that I look upon others with the light of God, everyone looks feasibly possible for my husband or friend; not that I am heading out and collecting people or marrying, but I now know I am not alone, nor will I ever be alone, because I no longer have this narrow view of what beauty is. Everyone is beautiful. The benefit is a much more glorious world to look upon. The added bonus: an escape from self-created isolation.

I no longer see myself as separate. I seem to blend in with everyone else. I see their beauty reflected in me and my beauty reflected in them. I love them. I love people. And everyplace I go is like a parade of butterflies. I imagine this is how the world looks when one is still a young child, before the trust is lost and before the heart gets broken. In processing that my past is all falsehoods based on others’ views and perceptions and ideologies, presently I am able to understand that the world is a safe place. I was taught and shown the world was unsafe repeatedly. But the world is safe. If I choose to live with no fear, the world is very safe. And no amount of worry and anxiety and planning and reasoning is going to prepare me for all the imagined dangers. I don’t need to live my life as if danger is around every corner, because I recognize now that isn’t living.

I have been able to use the observer to comfort the child in me. Now the observer is my watcher. If I start to fear (the real me fears) then the observer steps in and reminds me that fear is false. With Spirit’s help I can recognize every emotion, beyond love, hope, faith, joy, praise (etc.), as a false entity spawned from fear. Fear has so many faces but I recognize him quickly. If I feel anger, resentment, urgency, anxiety, or anything that disrupts my peace, I say hello to fear. He has gotten to the point where he actually speaks and says, “Shucks. You caught me again.” Then I release him. And poof back to serenity. Most of my life I spent trying to categorize my feelings and figure out my feelings; I couldn’t hold onto joy or happiness and I couldn’t escape life-gripping anxiety. Now 90% or more of my day is spent in supreme joy and peace, a mellow-happiness that permeates my entire being with a sense of well-being, calm, and faith. Everything seems attainable and manageable. Anxiety is almost null, as it is nipped in the bud so readily after fear knocks on my door. I might have spurts of irritations, e.g, repeated noise bothers me, but I can step back and remove myself from the situation or ask others to stop. I allow myself some emotions, I am not a robot, but I quickly become the observer, recognizing all things that stem from fear immediately, and allowing them to materialize as long as need be.

I don’t judge myself. I let go of being my own judge. If an emotion comes, such as frustration, I am able to step back and watch and then let it go. I don’t then turn and scold myself, as that is pointless and stemmed from fear, too. I just chuckle. Indeed, I am so happy lately and in a state of calmness that this smile on my face is pretty much my face. I imagine I likely smile in my sleep, too.

My dreams at night have shifted. Gone are the nightmares. If I have a complex dream it is usually my subconscious working out something or another. I usually can pinpoint my dream directly to a spiritual transition or spiritual study. New to my dreams are me being an advocate, a strong protector of my own being, and authentic. I am me in my dreams, in whatever emotional state that needs exploring. Also, I have started to dream of actual spiritual lessons. For instance, if I pray to understand how to release pain, then I will actually be a student in class during my dreams learning techniques to release pain. This is happening over and over again. Also, I still have visions early in the morning, usually poetic spiritual prose that fills me with hope and peace. I am protected. I am no longer afraid of my dreams or the dark. I am excited to fall asleep and just as pleased to wake up.

I don’t have these rules and standards circulating in my mind. I don’t have anyone I am trying to please. I think because I now have a firm spiritual foundation, I now know what I am living for. Before, how I acted and how I chose to live, varied depending on who I was with and what I thought someone wanted. Now I live for the Holy Spirit. I make myself His servant and listen to His guidance. I don’t need manly rules anymore and rules no longer haunt me. They were too contradictory and confusing to begin with. Along with this, I don’t worry about what others think of me anymore. As long as I am pleasing God, I am good. Thankfully, my god has some pretty good rules in place already.

I don’t need to be special. The most remarkable thing happened to me. When I was “seeing” everyone else’s flaws; I realized I was attached to feeling “special.” When I recognized this, I couldn’t stand it. I couldn’t resonate with the feeling of separateness, and felt sick, almost nauseated. I didn’t want to be special. I wanted to be a servant for Spirit, and recognized in making anyone “special,” including good friends or myself, I was separating people. If someone is special then someone else is less special. And making someone special at all, in my view, is a form of idolization: an attempt to find something in this world to bring relief to a feeling of incompletion. In embracing Spirit, I am complete. Friends now are frosting, not my need or want. I am loving them without expectation. That is true love. Another person will never meet expectations of “special”—never ever. They can’t. They aren’t perfect and they fail, if set up to be special. For the most part I have stopped viewing myself as special. Ego tries to sneak back in and make me think that if I am not special then I am nothing. But I know in releasing the need to be special or make someone else special, I become beyond special; I then become one with All. I become able to embrace Spirit fully and to not qualify and classify my love for anyone. I just love. And that’s enough.

I can only usually live for the moment. It hurts to think about the future, and seems a false illusion when I remember the past. The past and future seem impossible and infeasible at times. Silly stuff I used to worry about, like planning out the day or month, or even the next hour, seem pointless and physically painful. Remarkably, everything still gets done and on time without the stress or worry. Really. I seem to just gently release something, like a thought such as: “I need to call the dentist.” And the dentist calls me. I think of something quickly, and then release the thought not wanting to focus on anything that isn’t in the now; and then, somehow the now makes things turn out just fine. I can’t explain this, but in living in the now, I seem to hear things or see things before they happen. Like titles in a future newspaper or quotes someone else shares at a later time. I seem to be tapped into something that works much easier and smoother than worry. I didn’t make this practice happen; this was a miracle. I just woke up and was no longer able to obsess about the future or reflect on the past. Just wasn’t capable. Still am not, without extreme effort.

This might seem like a little thing, but I can watch a movie and only watch a movie. I am not dissecting the characters, ADHDing and drifting into another place, analyzing my thoughts, or thinking ahead or behind. I seem to be in the present enjoying the movie. And OH MY GOSH, it’s like so brilliant. This happens with performing arts and in parades too. I am so there, just there, and experiencing the brilliance of life.

Nature speaks to me. Everything seems thicker and richer. The colors, the clouds, the trees, the birds, all seem to have increased in magic. It’s lovely just to sit in the front yard in the sun and listen. I am serenaded in beauty. I am able to tap into the now whenever I find myself slipping out. I do this by focusing on a piece of nature and just fall into the beauty. I sometimes blur things together and take them from part back to whole. I don’t choose to believe all I have been taught about pieces and parts and labels, and try to take in the beauty like a child again. The world is so lovely. Before where I was lost in thought, now I am lost in the wonder of the world. A switch happened, and the capacity that helped me to go into complex thought now enables me to also go into complexities of nature.

The negative thoughts are replaced by my angels. When there isn’t silence or the observer stepping back and watching me, or me the taking in the now, I can hear my angels. They speak to me and guide me through the day. They answer questions and help me. Sometimes time seems to stop and I have amazing knowings spilled into me in a matter of minutes or seconds. I am able to remember these at a deep level.

I suppose I could go on and on. I have lost the want or need to verbally process aloud with other people, including my husband and friends. There isn’t anything I feel like talking about beyond God and ideas and love and visions. I don’t feel a need or want to spill or share my life, beyond wanting to help others through my own experience and example. I seem to have had my ability to process thoughts and ideas intensified, as if before I was a thin pipe of knowledge and now I am this thick pipe with a bunch of stuff gushing through and out. The difference is I don’t feel like I need to share, I want to share. It isn’t like before; it’s very much not. Still I have maintained the intense capacity to see complexity in thoughts, only it seems multiplied in scope. My memory has increased for numbers, names, and facts. My tolerance for food is better. And I don’t have this need for rigidness. I have no want to complain, at all. I don’t have a need to say something unless it feels from spirit or makes me profoundly happy. I find pleasure in simple things. Certain words are starting to feel unnecessary. It’s weird and crazy, my world right now, but so heavenly and freeing.

What I have experienced anyone can.

391: The Affliction

The Affliction

At this moment I try not to attach to any one ideology or belief, thinking I live in illusion, and that, even the thought of illusion and knowing a semblance of truth, be further illusion, if illusion be. The complexities rendered through the delving of mind are both baffling and intriguing, pulling me in like the piece of an engine longing for lubrication, its sole purpose found in the concept of functionality. There is no other need, but to be anointed in the telling, so I can proceed forward in a time of no procession; this is indeed troublesome, and not, as no burden be found in a place of no time bent into illusion; thusly, it is so that even the emotions that purge from within and without are naught, but the imaginings of ghosts long ago past.

In saying this I prelude my own entrance, a necessity within no necessity; but nonetheless established as a fleeting truism for the traveler beset with weariness. In knowing my truth is not truth, I am thusly freed from the agony of discrimination of self; the endless dissection that occurs, rightfully and dutifully so, when one sets about to cling to illusion of form. In so being I am formless, and this argument, if claimed to be a quarrel, quibble say but light it be, exists phantom too, than whom does whittle with words, with such speech gathered from the where and when? And this, my friend, displays the propensity to be traveler lost within traveler. Precise to say, to recognize the dream is to be the dreamer, and in so being the one at slumber all is weaved into further name-saying causation. Instead of scribing truth, I merely dictate what is thought to be truth within my circumvented reality; therefor, unless I was to gather the truth of agelessness and the potentiality of the All and lather this upon the minds of the singular, I do nothing justice; say my own tethered thoughts still set out to sea, bobbling in the waves of uncertainty.

I speak this not to set the stage for trust or to further prove a point of no point, as there is no point worth proving when no point exists; nor is this trust I speak of, need be, for in form I appear not trustworthy no matter what I mumble, as I am in guise as this ruthless one set upon high or worse the victorious one celebrated. In the eyes of man, I can be none but judged; and there the dilemma is set; for how to curve an aspect of enlightenment without throwing the ball at the very victim who perceives himself to be. In this way I am nothing; neither scapegoat nor scriber of the ways, neither angel nor devil worse, or even the pen that hankers from the very end of limb; I am none and I am All, and what one sees is neither here nor there in this place of nonexistence.

How weary I grow in even telling such a tale of no tale and how my hands weep from the desperation within, further proof the illusion grows; to hide and never recede, to come forward but never enter, to move without ability to see, this is the truth; yet, how does one born of the singular I move in a world born of We, when each, as separate made, choses their own captivity? Tis foolish man’s game, one supposes, to even breech the subject of immortality when everywhere the banners fly blood; come hither, to this space of mine, she preaches, and at once scorned with the rest; perhaps this is the truest form of freedom, to be as the bird of song and not flee from the stones that follow; to sing at the top of the peak and not fear the fall of the morrow; for my song is unleashed upon the highest, and meek not I be; for no river nor valley has captured me; and all is unsung that never was.

How can I be such butterfly with unclipped wings, when all about I dance in the dirt and soils? How can I be the babe nearly birthed, when the canal of opening seems so variably charted and boarded still? Am I not a queen emerged without her captain, on a ship without sail, in a land of no sea? How I navigate in a ghastly wind of nowhere and land again and again upon the very stone I once passed. What is this me, who dangles her memories like sapphires and counts them as rubies expired? Who merrily sings as the serpent unwound, un-skinned, and turned magnificent; who am I but this trellis before me, the ins and outs of where the others leap and bound; am I both prisoner and freedom maker, trapped in the makings of my doings, unraveling one and then another to find myself time and time again; some traveler trapped in a dream of no morrows and no beginnings; waiting for time to peel back as mere shadow set upon thee.

Is this my cause? To rest as mermaid on the surface of earth while weeping tears of the oceans before me? Am I to be starfish drug out and enamored for her legs alone; plucked one by one from the depths of nowhere only to be brought up to the rim of naught; circle dancer I seem, trapped in this funny limbo; awakened and spirited, yet alone in my quest of no quest; for how can it be that in being me I am the key; yet I be not? And how can it be, in being you, you are the me, and you be not? How can this brain of no brain wrap around infinity and spring up anything renewed in renewal, when at my very depths are the limitless breaths of knowing; where shall I begin when there be no start; and how shall I end when timely death has all but vanished, leaving but his cape, the dark shadow of remembering banished.

Laugh, I dare not, as the gleeful me is no cause for celebration; and what to celebrate in such a dismal state as this; and weep, I cannot, as what is for the crying worth, when all about is the toys of puppeteer lost and scattered, abandoned with the coming of the unraveled wavering truth; to be given such a task of no sacrifice, but to feel the shells of sacrifice, as if each had been splattered and fired upon some soul of thee; to be given the world in a cup and to glance down and behold eternity calmed, yet know not what to drink but the vision beyond; how can I be such vision and such mortal, wrapped in this infinite coat of knowing, spread open, the flaps as distorted wings discolored in doubt. How can I be this butterfly broken, when surely the simple embrace does cast illusion silent and heart-strings grow, carrying the essence of me freely without the need of form?

Butterfly or ghost? What be I; magnificent or tangled, what am I? Can you not rescue me now before I surely split in two; the idol of want, the taste of judgment, the enticement of lies, eagerly eating away at the flesh I once was; as I stir in my chrysalis of unrest, evaporated by the ever peace of naught, haunted by the unearthly voices of angels, my living blanket of tranquility the one that trumpets doubt forward. Where am I inside this invisible film, my being wrapped and then wrapped again, suffocated in incubation, brought out to the fire of transformation, and made to nibble at her own skin; when suffering is promised not, when answers never were, when everywhere is hungry ghost whose appetite has vanished through; who is this dreamer and of what does she dream, if not of the place beyond dreams that I am to break through; but how, is her only question; how in the light of your ultimate glory can I testify this truth through the pages of illusion-maker; how can I prove what is not to be proven; how can I dance to the invisible music of invisible air and weave something of nothing; and so it seems, I must rest eternally, until eternity surrenders; and I, let out of this suit of circumstance am thusly braided into ceaseless sky, awoken not wingless but weaved into completion, the very heart of light freed.

390: The Making

Pierce me with your sunshine; lay me upon the broken windowpane, so like the wind of nevermore I may bend through a timeless eternity, the ribbons ripped out my soul and laid down upon your guilded throne. Twist me into your very making, my ache your ache, my rumble your rumble, my determination sewn less with need than want of servitude.

Give onto me nothing unbearable less I be made bearable; and in this way give to me what is mine for the making; the seamstress of the night turned sunlight by thy key; I am forevermore at thy service, as the spring turpentine to the welder’s hands; cleanse me with your essence, so the very timing I proceed is blessed with the anointment of your coming.

I ask not to be recognized but to be given as the sacrifice you need; none less made panged than awakened; none less made broken than mended; in this way I am completed, in the thinking of naught but your asking; I am given more than asking’s appetite, taken from the illusion of pain into the gift of flight; my very substance turned to the gold of movement; all stagnation ceased as the phantom ghost it be; my effort surmised as effortless; my giving granted as undertaken by none.

In the least possible way, make me seen, so that I may not hide behind your gown, but feed of the eternalness of your glory; for your storm is my storm, your movement my step; the eye that leads neither blinded or scorned, but rather lifted as grandest seeker seeking nothing but naught; I am this or I am that; no difference matters to the me that thinks she breathes; no difference matters to the wings that carry me; no burden feels as light as thee; no road so unmoved and free; as the strongest rivers pouring through, though I be untouched, unmoved, un-enchanted by the very force of force, it is as if gravity ceases and the doubts erase, never here, never in existence.

No such beauty is found in the gentlest of faces; no such grace as thee. For in this chamber of no chamber, inside the existence of no existence, I am scattered across your calling as the desert flower to the grain, mixed in with earthly risers, nurtured through the feed, but set apart as springing grace in her majesty’s embrace; use me as you wish, as I know I am made for such worthiness; my deed undone in your granting, time let out as the hem of the dress when the coming of seamstress is left open.

I am the door; I am the window; I am the very pane where I lay in waiting, counting the stars twice over in my gratitude; for endless is no more; and future does not arise in the ever standing stillness of your abiding love. Yes, I have known love; at last the dove’s dream be mine; not for the taking, not for the making, but for the simplicity of beholding, the making of what I carry my very self; the essence poured within me, glue sticking to my edges, the vessel I be.

In this I am complete at last; all answers made swift; unworldly things lifted and set upon my bureau’s mirror, so I might step back and examine the guarantees of eternity; a reflection within a reflection; my brother, my sister, each an etching for the making; each whisper only my own voice; each shadow only my own creation; for I have been blinded by the light; and in this all ceases to manifest beyond the glory of His coming; for in you, in your endless sea, set free and flowing in tumultuous love towards me, I am swept, I am taken, I am made.

I thank you for the making with my very own soul; I dress you in the patterns of my heart; I sweep my only kindness into your seams; I partake in your dance; I feed off of no other than the mistress of my betrothed and lightened one; for your beauty is unmistakable, unmasked in each and every thing; whether granted breath or might, rather weak or unseen; each becomes alive in the coming of this music; I hear, I see, I move, and in this way I am at last awake; my slumber merely a dream; my answers never found; for naught they be but chances resting on the fireside hearth, never meant for kindling or fuel, only tokens of the illusion spun open through trust.

I believe. I believe in you. And thusly I believe in the ever growing gratitude of self beyond self; this high maker that lands someplace between the two that view; the one taking in the other, as cherished gift; the recognition forging the road to golden light; we only need undo the ribbon dotted red upon our brow, the drapery of delightful disguise, the leading point that made the dark in hopes and knowing of removal; for this is gift; this dark, this misery, this confusion; for in its lifting we be made this word freedom; we be made this careful union; we be this One.

It is in our powerful release we are made. The birth of life in the removal of the blinded curse; the start of eternity at our fingertips; remove me steadily; remove me again and again from your face; take me in my tattered form, my blindfold, my rag, my dark cloth and scour me across the floorboards of your mind. Stampede across my image, dissect me, lather me in spindly needles, torment me with your secret words, pierce me with demise, damage me with trajectory and misery; and then see I still stand in the glory; see I am still here, untouched, unnerved, unmoved.

For in my seeing, there is none that in illusion can take what is forevermore; none that can make me believe you are not the glorious one; none that can make me turn from the light of light, from your very face, dear brethren; for you are the light, the way, the path; you, as you stand beside me in your bewilderment, cursing my very breath; you are whom I love; whom I dare not stake; whom I pin myself upon, and claim as magnificent one.

389: The Poet’s Symphony & The Dream You Be

The following are two selections. The first I scribed this morning in prayer, the second, last night before sleeping. Take as you wish and bring forth your own truth. Peace and abundance of ever-flowing love to you. xo In my heart ~ Sam

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The Poet’s Symphony

The room echoed in her favor, the mysteries revealed as the poet’s symphony set asunder…

You are a divine being, perfect in form and in every way. You were given all you need at the start, which is both the beginning and end without end. There is no way to deny this or defy this. You are. And in so being the All of All you shall recognize the All within All, and in this way readily accept the gifts bestowed upon thee.

There is no tethering to this goodness. You are this goodness. There is no finding this goodness; it is in you and without you; it is everywhere in which you look and every place in which you forget. There is no corner unturned, no place forgotten, no witness turned away; All this is as is, and nothing of the All shall change.

As change is inevitable in the place where illusion stands; change is unmovable where We watch from up high; in the desert valley or upon mountain peak, makes no pause, for as high as We reach, as low as We travel, destiny takes no true form that is available for the sightless to see. In this way upon high is where we stand, yet, without feet and without height, steadily waiting in a time of no wait.

To exaggerate would lesser something of no value and placate none but the mask of confusion; and so we wait in the concept of un-waiting, merging as one for the arrival of you. Our arms are but open and the confusion lifted in the elements of which we are made; neither here nor there, but before you and in between, behind the perception of perception, and dedicated to the unity of all.

There is no wrong between us and nothing to be righted, less you peer into the darkness and lather in the deception of naught and no doings; when you breathe us, you know us; when you don’t, you know us still, though your speech, through hands be blinded, in such a way that what moves is neither brought up from the ocean of the sea but rather blended with the mediated-perception of the whole within. In this way, as you communicate, you flow through the one to reach the other, yet, flow through entirely untouched by the means and way. Communication is thusly spurred but in the land of illusion and all is lost in the ways of the world.

For illusion cannot breathe in illusion, and the breather of such takes in no air of truth, only illusion forged through the pen of illusion, the quail feather dipped in the black ink of nevermore, unformed from the united Unity, and stainless it be. For what is made without the making, blended from the dust of dust, un-gathered and unformed, is truly the matter that which is naught, and emptiness that breeds further emptiness and leaves the one suffering more than rebuilt.

Here is where we differ in views, and where we stand back and watch the unfolding, as the dancers play out, say lay out the plans of their making, each by each, one by one, establishing a truth that embrace as justly so: theirs the light of the world; theirs the unlimited “newness” of finding; how truly we delight in these games of rebel and trickery, the very only one submerging the very only one in a mask of disdain and separation; for we recognize the undoing of nothing, the representation of nothing, and see that in the undoing of doing, you shall soon seek elsewhere. Whether this be in form of building or mosque, say the church with the seeking windows, or the God of the many wavering hands, makes but not a difference to the All Mighty. For all paths are His for the taking, be this He of he or she, or rather the imaginings of your mind.

For how can one make this God of makings rightfully his when in establishing a time of recognition he immediately without pause establishes a time of separation? Silliness indeed, to think in the thinking that a mere label leads to bountiful delight and merrymaking; when indeed, my servant child the emptiness abounds. To make me in form is to take me out of the light and twist me in a way the ego-representation, or unformed and un-unified you, deciphers a lie. Not a lie of heart or even of choosing, but a lie brought upon self for self-justification and inclusion. This is the whittler’s way of inclusion, for he whittles and whittles away at this substance of nothing, until nothing bleeds out something in a way that adds layers of confusion to what was to be readily unmasked in the making.

Here is to say that when traveling so close to this God or what form you have established as thy truth, that you are but an ant on the farmland crossing the manure, thinking the smell of clump is the smell of All; have you not passed the garden gate where the flowers grow, the peddlers stool where the weapon is surrendered, the hermit’s cave where the dwellings are marked with the sketches of days gone by; have you but been submerged in the only one of one, trapped in the waste of one creature, and able to see nothing beyond your own stench?

This is not to say that the season of your victory is far, as you are already the victorious one, but to turn you in the ways of you, in which you claim that which is so rightfully yours and thusly spawn that which is so rightfully wrong in others. In this way you so evenly divide your brothers and sisters and make them into something they are not and never were; something separate from your very self; can you not see that all the ways merge, much as the butterfly collected from the pollen procreates the infant turned with legs, the chrysalis born from the making of flight?

Has butterfly picked and chosen the flowers of his choosing, the reds as the greatest, the whites as the weakest? Or does he not fly above the sweetness and descend without choice and simply scope up the divine gift of treasure gold? Yes, he takes what is offered without persecution of the other growing spirits. For whom is butterfly to judge when the field he sees is neither selected or created, but given freely for his taking? Is this not a banquet set before his tethered eyes, and welcoming of grace so tender and sweet, that the very nectar of his tongue stimulates the continued growth. Does he not by bending to no bending and choosing no road, thusly continue in the cyclic cycle of giving; his beauty found beneath his wings as they glisten, the unity as whole. Is this not the patterned creature of your own awakening, how he harbors nothing for no one without thought or intention?

Be ye like the butter of flights, smooth and free in your goings, without intention to choose beyond the flowers of your limited making. For beyond you can not fly, to the chosen fields of buttercups and swollen goodness, and so you must choose what is isolated in the miniature scope made preference of your being. But in truth with the eyes of the patterned creature, set free, you shall peer into what grows beyond the scattered seeds blossomed; indeed peer beyond the soil in which truth grows, and straight, if straight it be, into the awakening of your own soul-seed, brought up from waters of clearness born.

We ask thee not to lay your waste down at our feet, this stench you collect for our collection, for the only gift we need is already brought onto us, the gift of chrysalis rebirthed and rebirthed again to butterfly. Collect thee not from the skies that bring you to the abandoned field picked dry by travelers past, choose thee the highest region where goodness abounds so readily that even the flowers themselves bow down in recognition of the one on high, the one whom like you has collected the nectar sweet; the one like you who has driven self into the depths of no-land, into the valley of naught, and in recollection alone, brought up the bitter-sweet of you.

For you, my lad, my maiden, are the richest bounty set out before the We, the last standing flower ready to beseech the making of the sun, bending to the maker for the treat of light alone; you know not why you bend, or how you bend, or where the light be formed, and as flower ripe none of this be necessary; only be as the flower and the flower-maker, and bend. And as you bend into me, we shall bend into We. For I am the light of the world, my darling flower, and you need not be the ant of no-man’s land trapped in the stench mistaken as goodness. You need only be the starlight captured in a dream of dream, flowing forward as the petals bending in submission; not of self, not of reason, but of knowing. Simply submit you know not and in this you know all. And in this We have whispered to you so, as you recollect in the dawning of the new day: “It was in her leaving, the actual coming of her going, the peace was found.”

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Butterfly food: “Butterflies can eat anything that can dissolve in water. They mostly feed on nectar from flowers but also eat tree sap, dung, pollen, or rotting fruit. They are attracted to sodium found in salt and sweat. This is why they sometimes even land on people in Butterfly Parks. Sodium as well as many other minerals is vital for the butterflies’ reproduction.” (Source http://www.whatdobutterflieseat.info/)

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The Dream You Be

There is a time between the here and now, a repetitive sequencing of events that present themselves as uniform but not unitary; be not in this stillness of naught when the time comes for the voices to reach you; instead spring from your bedchambers black and enter the light of new day; hear us as we hear you, in your ever whisper, so soft, so true. We are not the enemy and we are not the friend; We are We, and nothing can erase this triumphant victory.

When you are afraid take us close to your heart and whisper our name whatever We be; and this, this calling onto us, shall free the whispering heart. For when you weep, we weep solemnly. When you cry, we rescue, not through decreed or wondering deeds, but through the unity of spirit wherein We are you and you are We. Gather your tears not for us, but for the people you feed with your sorrow. In this way even the very pain of illusion becomes rain for the masses. Do not fear us anymore than you fear the very hand that feeds you; the doll strings that pull are none other than you, and We, as Master perceived, stand back and watch the marionette of this self-inflicted staging.

There is no mystery in us that is not thusly within you. For you are the gatekeeper, keeping watch with the hindsight of angels past; there is nothing to fear, for there is no fear, and in seeing this you are ultimately free. To know this is to be given the key to every kingdom beyond the door of blindness.

Seek thee not in the forest of gloom, nor so escape into the wilderness of naught forgetting your humble servant pride (ego), for he waits as the man on hind foot, readily as the steed to break through the mask of circumstance and remind you rightfully so of the path you so evenly cleared. He stands less servant than maker of guise, his hands out stretched in plentitude, his offerings of reward daintily presented, as if some serpent-slayer had beaten the monster down and won the battle clear.

No this is not you, or your shadow, or your future namesake; you be not this ghost in the night who wears warrior suit of righteousness. You are no less him than we. And yet, you run, scamper like that frightened rabbit at the sight of his whisper, the very ghost himself stifling your chiseled heart. Do not fear that which does not stand and has no stance, which cannot ride, and has no reign, less you afford him gain. There is no fortune in his invisible bounty, nothing hidden in his sac of charms. He conspires against you at will, presenting the merchandise of falsehood and draping your very name in bigotry; be oh he wise man of bitter times that blanketed the demon warrior with his hides of shame, the ruthless one rooted in the desert screams of mighty fortitude.

You aren’t he; nor shall you ever diminish in spirit. From here, all is written, and only tumbling fools shall fall. Give not to this destitute fool called pride; he hears you not, but still comes. He knows you not, but still rides. Forward in a gallop so rich in its emptiness that even you have forgotten the game he shapes with wicked ways. There is none that can reach you now through sting alone. Nothing so bright as thee will be shut out by such wicked lies. And still you run into the forest of night, seeking refuge as the one blinded in the land of doom, thinking wrongfully in your ways, perchance frozen in the very thought of true.

Can you not see the dance around you, the white beauty of desire’s skirt circling and beaming into the ever-moving stream of thee? Can you not see such perfection sketched out on the Tablets of Master, written once over and twice presented to the very veins of living stone? How could one such as you, when clung to father as sapling to the spring, not drink and know your very own light and calling? Is this not the voice that sang you lullaby sweet as tender love, dressed in the garb of angel white? Is this not the very wind through your window that opened the night of your vigorous awakening—the tinkering of the consciousness that ricochets through the echoing chambers of evaporated thought and brings up fruit for the taking?

How can thee of little faith be so endearingly blinded by the very light of thee? How can you not burn in your own making, the taking of the light into the beauty of fullness, forever vanquished by your glory; forever moved by your giving. Take no more from the bleakness of the bitter lies. Take the makings of me, the land between the sky and heaven’s blue, and dance here in the sanctuary of space. Dance here where I last made you lay and drink in the gratitude of the sunlight. Sink your weary soul into me tender starlight; leap into my unbreakable arms, and I shall beseech you know more, just carry thee gently back to the making of the one, the breaking of the We, and show you again and again the dream you be.

388: Keepers of the Light

I invite you to listen to this song first.

I started singing You Light Up My Life, around the age of eleven. I think it was the only song I wrote down the lyrics to and memorized. That, and Away in a Manger. I used to sing songs at the tippy-top of my lungs, squeaking and squealing to anyone that would listen, including my downstairs duplex-landlords, who sometimes brought me indoors for cookies. I could tell when I sang, by looking in the observers’ eyes, that people didn’t think I sang super well or close to on key. I could tell they thought I was a lonely child searching for attention. I could tell that they were smiling in an attempt to help me feel accepted. But I couldn’t say all that. I didn’t think to say it. I didn’t know that everyone else, or most everyone else, didn’t think like me. I figured we all knew what was being unspoken. That we all just pretended we didn’t.

When I sang my heart out, I slipped into a fantasy world. I leaped across time and stood on stage. I imagined refuge in a bountiful light. I imagined being lifted and protected and seen. The song itself didn’t free me; nor did the audience observing. What freed me was the freedom I was—the capacity to be me. What trapped me was the realization that all about me others weren’t free.

There was a time where people approached me for my light. They were drawn to me. Something about me pulled them in. I know now it was and has always been Spirit. Then I did not know, and I didn’t wonder; I thought everyone had this; I thought everyone heard God and could see through people.

I remember going to the church around the corner, a Catholic cathedral where I never once attended mass. I was drawn there, at times, the little girl I was, with her un-brushed hair and with her big searching eyes. I would swing on the monkey bars in the church playground over and over, until my hands blistered. Then, if I hadn’t already entered, I’d walk quietly into the empty church and just breathe. I felt safe there. I felt connection. But I didn’t know why. The candles, the light of the candles, they spoke to me, as did the colors of the glass windows and the movement of sunlight through the grand space. I wasn’t frightened. I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t anywhere. I just was. Sometimes time stopped and I traveled into the future where I would walk in as full-grown woman and be, with the others, I would be.

I wasn’t a religious child. I wasn’t even spiritual. I was magical. I believed in magic everywhere. I believed everything, each and everything. I believed in everyone around me. And I loved everyone. I trusted them. I gave myself freely: my attention, my time, my love. I had an over-flowing abundance of love. And I was me. There wasn’t anything about me that I had created. I radiated from within.

Something about me, or perhaps something within me, gave me the incapacity to be anyone but me. This gift of being authentic was beautiful. But because I trusted and believed others so greatly and so freely, when they told me what they thought, I believed them. Because if they were beautiful and I loved them and they were perfect, then they must know, they must have the answers.

I believed when they, the others, told me that I was just a child and didn’t know things. I believed them when they said life was hard. I believed them when they cried and cursed what was wrong and unjust. I believed it all. And I began to see that I lived in a world entirely complex in its simplicity. I began to see that I held all the secrets of love and joy, but that none could see them. I knew how to laugh and how to make other people laugh; and I did so without intention or want; I just was joy.

Then came the passing of days, when I learned my joy was not enough. When I learned that my heart, no matter how big, could not make a difference—at least I thought. Soon as my friends grew older, they changed. Their views became more broken and fragmented, their opinions stronger, their hatred taking shape. Divisions were made, as I watched, fingers pointed, sometimes at me, but mostly at others. And everyone started playing this part that didn’t make any sense; except that their ways kept people, for the most part, in an imaginary role of control.

I began to see that love was divided and measured. I began to see that love came and went, as did people. I learned that love didn’t mean love; what some called love actually meant conditions and fleeting moments of spiked emotions of some sort that didn’t feel or look like love at all. I learned that whatever shape I took, I could receive part of this love, that wasn’t love. But since I couldn’t find the other love anymore, the one I held in the backyard during slumber parties and collected, as the others laughed with me, without cause or pause for judgment; since I couldn’t find that love anymore, I took what I could. It never felt right. It felt false from the start. It was false love created by my want for connection and the growing emptiness I had inside.

My actions seemed to define me. I seemed to become who people thought I was. It didn’t matter how much goodness I had inside me; no one could see it, unless they chose to. No one. And when they did think to see the goodness, it was because I emulated them; I showed them a part of themselves they liked, or wished to like. I showed a commonality or I complimented them by my presence or in my spoken words. I collected false-love this way: pretending to be who they wanted me to be in an attempt to connect. To say I played, would be false, as there was no joy in this. To say I fought, would be false, as there was no friction. It was a space and place that I am incapable of defining or marking. For how can I define a place in which everything was false—the only thing real my want to fill the emptiness of falsehood?

This falsehood permeated much of my life, far into adulthood. A falsehood that eventually blinded me as well, to my own inner light. I had to snuff my light to continue to exist. I was given no choice.

I had to extinguish who I was, if I ever wanted hope of connecting. At least this is what I conditioned myself to think. I learned to track the actions of another to determine my next move. I could tell from every flinch, every switch of voice, every motion. Responses were my indicators. Reactions my compass. I stopped feeling inside my own body. I became numb to my needs; everything was masked in my effort to predetermine how to respond to the responders. For I could see in their eyes the judgment, the dislike, the wondering. I could see so much that they wouldn’t ever say. Particularly their thoughts about me, or about the way they perceived me. I knew they thought what they dare not say. I knew there were all these connections going on just in seeing me. I was being categorized and dissected and figured out. It’s not that I thought I was that important, it was that I thought they were. I think all along I knew they were a reflection of me or at least a mirror to my own experiences. I knew we were one and the same, but didn’t know how to define the feeling. And so I would watch, until I laughed and joked, trying to squeeze the joy out of someone whom had seemed to forgotten where he or she put it.

Mine, my joy, was always there, right in me, never gone. Even with all the poured in sorrow, I had this joy. It was always growing and blooming. There was always hope. It seemed no matter how much the others responded in a way that carried the potentiality to sting like thorns, that I still kept my hope. There was this unstoppable faith. Something in that song about the light through the window, about the light itself; I knew this. I saw the light n my dreams and I heard light in the whispers. I knew my destiny. I knew my calling. But this too, I was often told was wrong. I was made in form divinely perfect, but undoubtedly I frightened people. And this brought me to a place of confusion, so very great, I dare not venture there even in thoughts and rememberings.

For how could I, one held by the angels and light, have been so terribly flawed? And why did all around me seem to be such blindness? I searched and searched as a child—in the trees, under the school buses, in the grassy fields—for reprieve. I slipped into my imagination. I hid in the shrubbery and shadows documenting my own thoughts. And I came to the conclusion I was someone made wrong; though even this, deep down I knew to be untrue.

In time, I learned to conform. I learned to tuck away the voice of truth and the rays of light. For I believed the misery of disconnection to be far worse than hiding my light. And so I hid, for a very long time. And though I was a keeper of the light, it dimmed.

And here the dark found me. So very freely, as if beckoned by the very ache of my soul. I walked forsaken to my self for decades. I learned, through my mind, to hear the lies before the truth. I heard the negative talk, and I collected this, for if I did not believe them, I could not be with them, and then I would have to be alone. In order to connect, I had to believe what others said about me. If I believed in my light and my angels, and in my very soul, than I would be without the company of humans. I would only have the invisibility of my hope and joy—and alone whom would I share anything with?

Eventually, the lies became my truth. My whole truth. I was what others created me to be. And then a shift happened, in which they were what I created them to be. I began to see like other people. I began to believe the lies. I began to think that yes, only my point of view counted. That yes, I am in control of my world. And yes, I am the most important and special. I began to be a love-leech collecting falsehoods. Love, love, love ME! I demanded. Love me through validation. Love me through listening. Love me through answering back how I expect and want you to respond. Outcomes became my life. Hope became my misery. I latched onto the yellow brick road of illusion. I thought, if I was just good enough, and right enough, and had all the answers I would WIN! I would be LOVED! This is what I was taught. This is what was walloped into me. This is what I ATE because nothing else was offered.

Until the pain of emptiness became so great that I knew I was wrong. I knew that life was not meant to be like this. I knew somewhere inside my little girl protecting the light was dying to come out.

For me this has been my greatest gift: my affliction.

My very agonizing pain was what set me free. The very discomfort that kept shouting within of the falsehood was my greatest joy. I was given a lantern since birth. And I walked four-decades pretending I was not, in hopes of gaining false love.

And now, as I step back, very much the little girl I was, with my lantern bright, I see I kept this light hidden for a purpose. I suffered for a reason. I suffered because everyone else was suffering. I didn’t retreat because I was so different after all. I just retreated a bit later along my path. I just retreated knowing I was retreating. There wasn’t anything different about me, except I was born awake. I was born with the affliction that is both my teacher and my cross to bear. I was gifted the wisdom at a young age, and through this affliction I was formed and made, through this affliction my lantern was fueled. I see this clearly, more clearly each moment I am here.

I see that we each have these lanterns, and that for some of us it hurts more to hide them. But we all have them. For some of us we know we are hiding them: this is the affliction.

I see now that I am struggling to turn up the lanterns of all, when all I need do is turn on my own.

In so many ways, in every way, I am that little girl, with her joy, with her lantern strong, standing on the hillside and beckoning my friends onward. Only this time I can see. I can truly see. I know now my once perceived greatest weakness is my greatest comforter. I know my need to be love, my need to shine, my need to be free is the only need I ever choose. I know that in my affliction I am made whole. I know that in my wholeness I honor each and every soul. For in the embracing of what has always been and shall ever be, I have embraced the world. I have embraced the light.

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