autism

Post 239: I Don’t Know You

| Aspergers Girls

I don’t know you.

I think I do, but I don’t.

There is so much about you unspoken, unseen, untouched.

And I long to reach these places,

to dip inside you with the full of me,

with every inch of my being and penetrate the ocean that is you,

the one that rises and falls,

ebbs and flows within.

You see, you touch me, you reach, you penetrate,

you dive, you dip,

you even fall into me.

I feel you plunge.

I feel your soul purge,

and your tears,

I catch them,

and my ocean is fed.

I am filled.

I am chosen.

I am one with the essence of your waters.

Until you wake, and look upon me,

and do not know me,

do not choose me,

do not wish me to be the one to carry your dreams.

And you run, like the weather runs in season’s change,

reforming without ever going,

so that what I see and feel, and even breathe, is still you,

but everything around has shifted and altered,

everything different.

Where there were flowers the leaves now fall,

where there was warmth, the snow covers,

And coldness wraps and invades, and eats away,

at me.

Yes, me.

This woman who thirsts for the places she cannot travel.

Whose mouth waters at the very sight of the one she cannot see.

Whom senses eternity in the acorn she holds,

in the sky she evaporates in her mind,

and the outline of the shadow where you almost stand.

Day 227: Independent Thought

| Aspergers Girls
Happy Me….before I got super sick!!! Two weeks ago. Seems like months ago. Still recovering. Hope to be back to self super soon.

Independent Thought

There are too many rules inside this head, of what to love and what to dread,

Of whom to trust, and whom to fear, of when to speak and when to steer,

Away from one and towards another, and follow instead the words of a brother,

Where rests this inner truth that’s real, within spoon-fed morsels of how to feel,

In mountains high of indoctrinated texts and rivers wide of created sects,

Of where to stand, for what, and why, of when to grin and when to cry,

To find the answers, when none exist, to hear their echoes, when all just twists,

This tattered net, transitioning mesh, idealization of living flesh,

Curses at unwanted things, traps illusion in greed’s spindly strings,

Dark and nettled, bent to shape, the landscaped thoughts, thusly raped,

Of truth that breathes within the self, of passion, of love, of grace and stealth,

What kinship have thee, what ancestors whole, where is character bred, in life’s foothold,

Must I reap what others sow, and follow through where they too go,

Oh what of  this seared misplaced soul, unraveled at seams from tellings told,

Draped and ripened in merriment, branded with steamed discontent,

Belly full,  treasures vast,  spirit bled for youthful gifts,

A charade, half-finished, that never ends, and claims the light of one again,

A painted canvas of needy spades, digging up foundation that was never made.

~ Samantha Craft, September 2012

Day 207: My Words Put to Music: Traits

| Aspergers Girls

Traits of Females with Aspergers (words by Samantha Craft)

I did not make this video.

My Words Put to Music

Hello you, who longs to be loved and noticed

You know everything is okay? Right?

You know you are just experiencing emotions

Nothing else

You are not flawed

You are not wrong

You are perfect in your feelings

It’s okay

You don’t have to pretend anymore

It’s okay

Show all your colors

You are most beautiful that way

Share what you have found inside of you

This truth

That even in your frailty and fear, you are beauty

There is no shame

In being real

We all get scared

We all get worried

We all believe someone might steal something or someone

But they can’t

They are just borrowing

Just basking in the collective wisdom

Remember nothing in this world is yours

You know happiness is not found in possession

So today give what was never yours

To a world that is you

And let your words be put to music

~ Samantha Craft, August 2012

And I say my favorite daily mantra: How could life get any better than this!

Day 206: Hot Dog! Bikini Shots!

| Aspergers Girls

I have written about going from Prude to Sexy in prior posts .

In pure delight, I have reached several of my goals regarding Prude to Sexy, including the guitar purchase and kayaking. I still desire to take those guitar lessons and start belly dancing. Might trade in the ankle tattoo idea for a belly button ring, though….

My middle son is convinced this is all a midlife crisis. My husband is quite smitten. And my dog, well she is happy as a clam with all the walking we’ve been doing. I’m averaging five to seven miles a day of walking, and hope to continue when the rain makes its way to my town and sticks around.

My BIG GOAL of bikini purchase and wearing the bikini in public was achieved last week at a lake with hundreds of people!

Although, in all honesty, my bikini is really “boy shorts.” But the attire is skimpy enough to qualify as bikini in my book. I haven’t worn a bikini or anything like it in over twenty years. My stomach hadn’t seen the light of days in decades.

When I wore my bikini at the lake, I spent the whole two hours processing with my husband about my bikini and my body. I still harbor some childhood bleak memories of naked grownups at nude beaches.

And I’ve been revisiting the past, some of the haunting tauntings that occurred in my freshman year of high school on the east coast, where kids called me slut and such because of my figure.

I’m learning to embrace my body….and reprogramming thoughts I have about words like voluptuous. 

It’s taken me over a week to post my bikini photo, and this IS a thumbnail size photo. But it counts! OH, and did I mention, since February, I lost 21 pounds?

And for those of you that want the Full Effect…..here you go!!!!

Day 199: If My Heart…

| Aspergers Girls

If My Heart…

If my heart were a river I would pour out and cleanse, cascade upon furrowed brow and kiss droplets of hope into cherished vase, filling the memorized grooves with relished joy

If my hands were a tiger I would romp upon you, creep into the caverns of your folds, where flesh hides secrets behind the woven mask of unrest, devouring the enemy of uncertainty

If my voice were a jungle I would swing from vine to vine, wrap you in canopy’s green until weary of delight, then slither and wind round your limbs with hissing desire

If my eyes were a waterfall I would forge into you, pounding with sweetness until with heated breath you collapse into the coolness of my welcoming, unsheltered in naked awareness

If my lips were a butterfly I would burst and fly forth to the nectar, escaping the dark fertile grounds to reach the narrow opening of acceptance, and merge there, face to face with delectable taste

If my body were a mountain I would explode from the fury of expectation, cutting a passageway through for traveler desired, the birthed fragments of rock my testimony of future gifts

If my mind were a raven’s nest I would shelter thoughts of the sun weaved through auburn hair, the gape of diamond neck, the peak of temple, the valley of chest

If my time were an artesian well I would spring forth and seize the last drops of love, and spoon the remnants into a symphony of water, where forever I would swim in the hallowed place of you

~~~~

By Samantha Craft, August 2012

~~~~~