This post was erased and replaced with the note below:
When I first wrote this post I had decided to stop blogging. Those are what the comments are about below. The next post, after this one, Post 310, explains what happened.
blog
Seasons Greetings
Josh Groban
From the album “Noel”
“Thankful”
Somedays we forget
To look around us
Somedays we can’t see
The joy that surrounds us
So caught up inside ourselves
We take when we should give.
The joy that surrounds us
So caught up inside ourselves
We take when we should give.
So for tonight we pray for
What we know can be.
And on this day we hope for
What we still can’t see.
It’s up to us to be the change
And even though we all can still do more
There’s so much to be thankful for.
Look beyond ourselves
There’s so much sorrow
It’s way too late to say
I’ll cry tomorrow
Each of us must find our truth
It’s so long overdue
So for tonight we pray for
What we know can be
And every day we hope for
What we still can’t see
It’s up to us to be the change
And even though we all can still do more
There’s so much to be thankful for.
Even with our differences
There is a place we’re all connected
Each of us can find each other’s light
So for tonight we pray for
What we know can be
And on this day we hope for
What we still can’t see
It’s up to us to be the change
And even though this world needs so much more
There’s so much to be thankful for
~~~~~~~
Merry Christmas from Violet and Sam. See you soon. 🙂
Post 246: Inside of Me
Sometimes I set rules upon myself. Rules that have stuck to me from a time before. Perhaps a word, a saying, a post, a telling, an insult, or advice. Perhaps the news, a reading, an article, or a thought. Rules that materialize and become real, and have a life of their own. They live. They breathe. And they wallow in me. They make me cry or weep or scream.
Sometimes the rules feel thick and deep: muck and mire and all things fire. Sometimes the rules feel light and airy, with a consistency of jello—something to bounce off of and expand into. I get trapped and confused and mingle in the ever-changing texture.
Sometimes the rules feel bleak and non-purposeful, not necessary, silly, or even stupid; as much as I despise the word stupid, the rules feel that way. All contorted, sorted, and placed out to trap and confuse. To leave downtrodden and in misery.
Sometimes the rules feel abstract and unreal. Like an invention to appease the masses or control, or mask what rests beneath.
There are rules to everything and everyone, as if we are part of some gigantic game. Move forward this way and in that direction, but not too fast or too slow, or too willingly, or too purposely. Step back and allow space, but not that much space or that much emptiness. Fill up this area. Not so high, though, and not so narrow. Go wider. Go denser. Go more to this side. Not there. There. Over there!
You see? You see the rules, how they sway and mix and mingle and disperse? How one builds atop the other and then just vanishes like the light of day; when all along the sun remains. The rules remain. They are like a haunting, a ghost with an endless appetite that eats away, dismembering thoughts and peace. Taking the peace of mind with the pieces.
I am not a woman of rules. I am a woman of being, of breathing, of living, of feeling, of experiencing, of accepting, of loving.
If you do not have rules then you cannot set me in a box, place me where you think I belong, where you think I dwell. If you do not have rules, you cannot see me with eyes of judgment and distaste, cannot build me up, only to knock me down and watch as I bleed.
If you do not have rules, you cannot make me bleed.
Rules. What are they? What do they be? And how do I stop the rules inside of me?
Post 244: This is how it goes
I think of blogging several times throughout my day.
I am processing much. Particularly where I’ve traveled since starting this writing journey.
I feel I’m at a crossroad, where I’ve healed enough in myself to start sharing more about my coping strategies (yay!), with less of a need to mentally and emotionally spill and reflect. I’m trusting in this process and the timing, and am excited to see what will arise.
Thank you for being here.
I am a bit behind on answering comments. I’ve been continuing to focus on balance in my life, and taking care of my needs and my family’s needs. Comments are always appreciated and read with love. Not answering every comment is growth for me. However, I do intend to go back and answer the more urgent questions.
I’ve had to release some guilt, slowly. I was reading over fifty blogs when I first started. My life was blogging for several months. Everything else took a backseat. Now that I’ve regained balance, I haven’t felt the desire to read blogs. I still love the people I connect and connected with through blogging, and hold them in thought many, many times each day. If you are one of the people who blogs and we share(d) a connection, know you still hold a HUGE place in my heart, and that I am at a new place on my path at the moment. Know you are loved and held in high regard. I have a facebook page listed atop this blog; please feel free to friend me.
I will continue to write at Everyday Asperger’s, but only when I feel called to do so, and am able to remain balanced in all aspects of my life.
I am for the most part truly, truly happy and at peace with who I am and my calling in life. I think this is reflected in my eyes and smile. I know it is reflected in my energy.
I am doing better with my health.
I have discovered coffee has giving me much more energy (who would have thought–wink-wink) and the ability to lift my mood. I read in a study (laughing to myself, as I seem to like to read studies, and know that studies are contradictory, often funded by money-hounds, and certainly ever-changing and debatable..but tossing all that aside)… I read in a study that 20% of people can cure depression through coffee; I’ve excepted (darn homophone)…I’ve accepted, I either am the 20% or I made this fact a truth in my life!
The downfall: Coffee does make me organize and reorganize and reorganize. I think I’ve cleaned and reorganized my bathroom medicine cabinet four times now. And, I tend to ramble and talk more, with caffeine. However, the substance is working wonders for my mind and pain-relief; so I’ll take a little organizing-OCD-bug.
Also, I have decided I am allergic to all earth food, beyond coffee (cream and sugar) and dark chocolate…oh and water. Because, as soon as I eat anything, I become instantly depressed, insecure, nervous, fatigued and in pain. I spend my “eatless” mornings and “eatless” afternoons very productive and content, knowing once I eat, I will likely have to rest on the couch and fight off negative thoughts and pain. (I like the word eatless, but don’t try to text the word because auto-spell-correct can see only “earless.”)
Today the following thoughts are on my mind…well at least for twenty minutes they were. I think I’ve had about forty other subjects pop up since opening this document to write….coffee again.
This is how it goes.
This is how it goes. I dream of my liver, that my liver is damaged, that I need to go to the doctor and get tests. I wake up knowing I’m fine, but feeling the dread of upcoming tests. Someone else’s feelings are with me.
Two days later, a relative called and has to go in for liver tests.
The dream makes sense.
This is how it goes. I have a thought of giving coats to school. I have a bag of coats in my closet that are too small for my son. All day I think of whom to give the coats to. It’s like a moving picture in my mind. Whom to ask? The thought keeps circling.
Hours later, my son comes home from school with a note about families in need of clothing and other items.
The thoughts stop.
This is how it goes. I wake up at 4:45 am with thoughts and cannot get back to bed. I look in the mirror and have a bite on my cheek. My mind spins. I keep thinking of the butterfly rash that accompanies the auto-immune condition lupus. I know I do not have lupus, but I can’t stop checking my cheek in the mirror. I can only think of lupus. I can only think to check.
Soon, my good friend calls. She was up most the night. Her doctor just called to say she has lupus.
The crying starts.
This is how it goes. I wake up with dread, with unexplained fear. I am worried. Something is going to happen.
That day a friend has a breakdown. Instantly my dread is gone and I am better.
The relief comes.
This is how it goes. I haven’t been to a particular store in months; no interest, no want. A voice inside says, “Go today. Go today.” I fight the voice. The voice still comes. “Just go. Only for fifteen minutes. Just go.” I drive.
I arrive to find the dresser I’ve been visualizing in my mind for the past couple months. The exact antique dresser I’ve wanted for my room at the Goodwill for only $40. Mint condition. Lovely. The entire transaction from finding the dresser, paying for dresser, and helpers placing dresser in trunk of van takes exactly fifteen minutes.
The joy comes.
This is how it goes.
**********************************************
The past few days I’ve been analyzing actresses on television and how their hair affects the way they look. Somewhere in my head, I got stuck with the thought that if I don’t look nice in every photo I take, then I truly look like the ugliest photo.
I mean, wouldn’t it be nice to be narcissistic for one day, and believe I always look like the best photo? But NO, my little brain thinks I MUST look like the worse photo. Of course, this is the same brain, who somewhere along the road, gathered the baggage that if I don’t look beautiful with my hair unbrushed, makeup off, and in frumpy, stained clothes, then I am not naturally beautiful. The same mind that played tricks on me and told me that if I wear make up and fix my hair up and take a nice photo that that is a lie, and fake, and not the real me to begin with. So if someone gives me a compliment, while I’m fake, then the compliment is not real either! The same brain that told me all these years that when someone tells me I’m beautiful or pretty that he or she is just saying that because truthfully I’m hideous and they are trying to lift my spirits. That, in truth, the entire world is in a conspiracy to make me think I’m lovely, because in truth when they look at me they feel sorry for me. OH, MY GOSH! Growth, growth, growth.
My son took a photo of me with his new camera today. For the first time, I thought logical thoughts upon seeing a photo of myself. I heard this in my head: “Oh, I have a triple-chin because he is little and taking the photo from down low. I look different in all angles and lighting. This is not a true reflection of me.”
Much better than my standard: “Oh no! I can never leave the house again. I am a triple-chinned monster and everyone is pretending not to see it!”
Here is something I did for fun:
First photo is a few minutes before the other photo.
Between the photos, I simply put on a sweater, eye makeup, and lipstick. Hair behind ears, head tilted different direction.
I really am fascinated with how lighting, clothes, hairstyle, and makeup affects photos.
Oh…and Yes…for those of you joining, this ENTIRE blog is about my vanity and ego….giggles
Now, of these three photos which one is the real me?
Answer: All of them!
I am like a flower. Different in all angles, all lighting, and in each season; whether the season is a day, month, or life. God Bless all the me’s and all the you’s. xoxo ~ Sam
I almost forgot…here’s the dresser:
Post 240: The Wow Factor
Wow! I’ve really found myself again.
Transformations and transitions have been powerful.
I looked through some photo albums this early morning and I actually remember joy and happiness and love. I see the person I was and am. I see what a wonderful, nurturing mother I was and am. I see how beautiful I was and am.
I spent so much of my life doubting my exterior and internal beauty.
I’m realizing I am beauty.
I have energy. I’m motivated. I’m excited for life. I’m hopeful.
I recognize my challenges, but carry a hope that all will be okay.
I’m counting my blessings and recognizing what a glorious life I’ve had.
All in all, every wish I’ve had as a child has come true. And every goal I had as a young adult has been met. I know if I died today, I would be content.
I have helped people through my various vocations and writings.
I have reached out.
I have been caring and thoughtful.
I have placed others first, but also learned to pamper and love myself.
It really is quite glorious.
I’m at a time in my life where I am learning to appreciate my uniqueness and also recognize my commonalities with other people.
I am less rigid and structured, more able to relax and understand my thought processes. More able to accept who I am and what I am.
I am even able to look in the mirror and like what I see.
So much growth.
I am very pleased
I’ve spent the last two weeks reawakening and cleansing the energy in my house through the practice of feng shui. And I’ve reveled in the process, spending some nine to ten-hours straight some days working on the house. (Can you say “fixation” ?) The inspiration and motivation to clean and organize my home came after more than five weeks of being couch-bound and sick from a series of infections, the longest standing being viral bronchitis.
Symbolically and energetically, while facing physical health challenges, I cleared out much stagnant energy within my body through my constant coughing and removal of chunks of phlegm. (Pardon that visual image.)
Now that my interior being has had a good scrub through, I am setting about to clear out the gunk from the exterior of my life.
Everyday I cleanse my home, I feel lighter and happier in spirit. I have more clarity than I have experienced in years and have been welcoming many gifts through this energetic cleansing process.
I feel reconnected to a part of me I haven’t felt in years. I am reawakened myself in my ability to recognize the effective and beneficial parent and homemaker, friend, and spirit I am.
*as a side note, both days I cleaned my study, the feng shui area for prosperity and money, I was rewarded within hours with unexpected monetary awards.
Observations:
Removal of dog’s crate, his winter jacket, and blanket from the house. (Scooby passed away in February, shortly after starting this blog.)
Release of grief and sadness.
Welcoming of acceptance, love, and peace.
Bagged and boxed up items I’ve been saving for years, incase I ever need them.
Release of thoughts of scarcity and not enough.
Welcoming of trust and abundance.
Removed dirty plunger, stagnant water, scissors, dirt and debris, and clutter from heart-center of house in utility room.
Release of death, destruction, and stagnant emotion.
Welcoming of clarity, newness, and beneficial flow of energy.
Balanced water elements of bathrooms with earth elements such as floral design, stripes, blue and green, and pottery.
Release of flood of emotions and drowning in worries.
Welcoming of nurturing, calmness, and grounding.
Bedroom cleaned and stripped of clutter and most décor.
Release of cluttered mind and unrest.
Welcoming of deep breaths, deep relaxation, and sanctuary.
Children’s bedrooms cleaned and unneeded items given away.
Release of attachment to greed, distraction, and confusion.
Welcoming of having enough, freedom to move and create, and satisfaction in simplicity.
Underneath kitchen sink cleaned of scum and cleaning supplies removed and placed elsewhere.
Release of need to hide the whole of me. Release of burden of poisonous thoughts.
Welcoming of safety, love of self, and emptying of garbage.
Storage closets organized and cleaned out.
Release of past regrets and the need to hold on to the past. Release of cluttered emotions.
Welcoming of order, structure, and ease.
Front entry cleaned and organized.
Release of fear of people and rejection.
Welcoming of friendship and happiness.
Expired supplements and medications discarded.
Release of pain and suffering.
Welcoming of health and wealth of energy.
Cooking pots and pans, canned and boxed food organized.
Release of dread and confusion.
Welcoming of nutrition, clarity, and fortification.
Décor and gifts I kept out of guilt.
Release of pressure to please, fear of hurting others, and retention of unhealthy relationships.
Welcoming of beauty, joy, and pleasure.
Mementos taken off shelves and out of closet, and then boxed.
Release of fear of losing past happiness and hope.
Welcoming of present happiness and merriment.
Sorting through photo albums and photos.
Removal of past untruths.
Welcoming the beauty I was and am. Welcoming the wonderful memories of the family I have helped lift and raise.
Everyday Asperger's 