333: Long overdue…It’s “Official”

How cool is it that this is number 333 post? I loveeeeee the number three! Always have, always will. He is cute and springy and sweet and funny. Number three rocks. And there are three number threes!

It’s like the threes are celebrating the fact that I received my “official” diagnosis!

Yes, indeed…. Who would have guessed, but a psychologist has concurred (very kind man) that it is true, I am Aspergerian.

So it’s official; whatever that means.

Oddly enough, the whole validation of my “condition” was anti-climatic, as I was in a very serene and calm mood during my last appointment.

I kept waiting for the jolt of “Yeah, Baby” to hit me. But alas it never came.

I analyzed this lack of Wow-Factor for quite sometime, and concluded this balance of emotions was a positive and beneficial thing.

My freedom of self is expressed quite clearly in this recent painting called Surrender.


More recently, three hours last night, and two hours this morning, I worked on this piece. It is filled with emotion and energy for me. This one is called Home.


Interestingly, when I paint, I am mostly using a paper-towel as my tool. I start of with drawing free-formed designs with a pencil, letting spirit move me. Then I add some paint in globs. Then I rub off the paint and see what starts to pop out. I follow no rules and use odd techniques.

Mostly, I feel like a genius-sculpture waiting for the canvas to speak to me.

I have a unique perspective on images. I see things in my paintings and strongly, to the point of distraction and physical sensations, feel the energy.

I didn’t like this image in my original painting. The shape seemed dark to me, almost evil. It looks like a dead animal or beast. I had to remove this by erasing with water and adding more paint.


This image really bothered me, too.


Often parts of my works feel heavy and unfinished, and I have to erase, reapply, and step back. If I see an image I don’t like in a painting, like this one above, of a succubus hooked on to the teddy bear’s head, I have to restart and free the energy. I have to remove the energy vampire, so to speak.

I feel this energy intensely, and feel it is either attached to me, a loved one, or both. So I rework and rework the piece until the energy is released.

I can recognize so much healing during the process, and I become almost hypnotic and lost in my creation.

The painting experience is similar to writing, wherein I cannot use certain colors, brush strokes, angles, shapes, etc. (with writing it is words, sentence structure, rhythm, etc.) without feeling a blockage that I must remove.

For me, everything in life is alive with energy: words, colors, shapes, feelings.

All in all, the art of painting is becoming a soothing mechanism for me both energetically and emotionally.

I am pleased with this new Painter aspect of me: the breaking through of self and displaying of self on canvas. It is another form in which I feel someone might be able to see me beyond the facade of my human flesh/costume.

I still find the creation of faces doubly-daunting, as I cannot grasp faces, not others’ and not even my own. So I am struggling with the releasing of “face.” A concept I find mimics my own personal trials: That of releasing the image of self.

I have a great sense of peace, as of late; partially because I stopped taking this hormone pill that was making me have complex, rapid thoughts (can you imagine!! as my thoughts are already so complex!)…induced hyper-thyroid. But mostly because I have started to listen to my own self. I have started to believe in the magic of the world again. I have started to see that inside of me is so much beckoning to get out. And I have chosen the magic over the misery. Something that is long overdue.


Day 161: Star-Filled Knight

source unknown
Elf Princess Samantha (giggles)


Star-Filled Knight

Tether me to your virtue, wrap fraying rope around my body whole, and tie substance to thy pole

The north the south, makes no difference, just tether me straight against your being

Tether me too, upon your heart, and wrap ribbon round my eyes, to close me to the dark

The light about, spin round and round, touch the hidden pieces buried in memories dim

Invade my thoughts and dreams with energy of late eve, the uninvited visitor at my door

Enter and entice with sunlit eyes and shoulders broad, kneel down and greet me as knight to fair lady

So I may lower myself to cold floor waiting, and be enveloped in tinseled warmth and beauty bold

To desire little between sunrise and sunset, beyond the visions of the land where lovers blend

To walk through corridors of long ago nights, and drink the potentiality of forgotten lifetimes

My silent prince, my wandering warrior, trapped in the torrential wind of imaginary dragons

Breathe not such misery, embrace eternity, the talisman crystal-bright upon beating chest

Reach through the broken glass of illusion, and touch, the scarlet drape shrouding secret treasure

A cavern so deep and luxurious that only the trickling of your interwoven branches can reach

Like root, like dagger, like cherry off tree, fall into me, into the depth below so we may rise as mystic rain

The two as one, untouched in circumstance and reality, only moving as source intended, winter to spring

Blossomed at last, beneath the melting snow, turning upward in pure delicate petals of morning

To arise, fledgling of desire, fragile wings spread in jasmine air, the hint of freedom engraved through form

A universal centipede of walking stick, a mountain top moved, a stallion through clouds, magic made

From the simplicity of blindness, to release the worldly ways, and believe in the eternal flowerbed of life

To reach in my tethering sweet, and release passion through desired imprisonment of cherished belief

That all is as intended, the preordained ebbing flow of star children, their wishes blown on amulet waves

To stand at shore and await what comes, arms open, rope at side, and eyes set to the open endless sky

~ By Samantha: Princess of Elf Land where all dreams come true