I’ve started this post three times. First about the state of Washington, then about my dog Justice Black, then a poem about faith. But I think what I really need is someone to hold me and sing this song to me.
Having the spirit I do, I am constantly flooded with emotion. I do not know what to expect. Not that any humans do on this earth. But a part of me would like to think that I know what is ahead of me. When in truth, the only thing for certain is this very moment. This very moment that I am crying with such depth. All these feelings. All coming up from long ago; they feel so distant like they are from centuries ago—life times ago. So much grief and happiness, all mixed together.
I am crying so loudly, knowing I am born to be this being, but not always knowing how to comfort this spirit that I am. Knowing so much, so fast, and in such profound ways is overwhelming. Being who I am is overwhelming. Ever since I was a child I have dreamt of the future, I have known things before other people, I have had people visit me in their dreams and tell me of their joys and pain, I have seen angels, spirits, and the dark, I have had answers to prayers, I have seen miracles, I have seen so very much.
I have been called to leadership my entire life, when this gentle, fragile part of me, longs to only be sheltered and protected, to be swept up in a special one’s arms and told that I am safe, that I am found, that I am truth, that I am love. To be told that someone else is fighting for me, someone else not letting go. I am always the one holding on the tightest…..to everyone and everything. The passion in me is so intense at times that I do not know what to do with myself.
I feel the pain of those from thousands of miles away; I feel their joy, too. Energies attach to me, and I can’t distinguish mine from others. Thoughts of others reach me. And I have never been able to stop this, with all the teachers I have sought, I have found limited answers. And many times, longing to be student, I have in turn become teacher. I have looked for my teacher my entire life. Someone who sees more than me. Someone who knows more than I know innately. And I have yet to find him.
I have battled with the voice of demons daily, telling me why I am not of light, when I know I am. I have seen terrible visions in dreams, as if someone is trying to stop me. But I keep fighting.
I embrace light everyday. I am as honest and whole and authentic as I can be. But then, I am raw on the outside, made vulnerable to everything and everyone.
I can do nothing without feeling. I cannot eat without being directly affected by the food. Each food affects my physical body and mind differently. It is easier not to eat. I am affected by weather patterns, by the sun, by the lack of sun. I am affected by chemicals, by environmental toxins—a little bird in the coal mine. I am affected by every vibration of every word I read. I feel through words. I feel energy. I see images. I know others’ pain. I see other’s pain. I know without knowing how. And I cry for them, as much as me. I don’t understand why I was born with such extreme sensitivity. Why I understand concepts at great, great depth. Why I cannot stop thinking about certain people. Why they are like angels to me. I don’t understand why I still feel so isolated when I am surrounded in love.
I don’t understand the voices of guidance I hear. I don’t understand how I can hear such knowledge, and why, in some ways, I have been chosen to shine my light. I feel so unworthy to do so. I feel so inadequate and ill prepared, as if I will never be strong enough to stand upright when I carry the burdens of the world.
But then a gentle voice whispers.
He says I am loved immensely.
I am right where I am supposed to be.
That I have chosen to be a voice.
That I am so very strong and brave to have endured so very much.
And that he holds me.
That he loves me above all else.
And that he is so very sorry that I have to feel such depths of pain.
But that in return he has given me great depths of joy.
A joy so many cannot and will not ever know.
He reminds me of how good and pure I am.
How beneficial to the world I am.
That I am a gift.
He reminds me that all is okay.
That I am sheltered each and every second.
That I will not fall.
That I will not die.
That I will live on.
That my light and my substance, my innocence will live on.
Nothing and no one will snuff my light.
Nothing and no one will stop me from shining.
And I weep louder.
And I understand.
Like I have understood since I was a tiny little girl crying alone in the dark.
That he is there. That he is here.
That he is always holding me.
2012
Enter the River
Enter the river, the spirit of me
And I will show you visions
Unseen
Unspoken
Enter the river, the heart of me
And I will embrace you with love
Everlasting
Ever growing
Enter the river, the mind of me
And I will enlighten
Truth
Knowing
Enter the river, the healer of me
And we will be as one
Embraced
United
Everyday Asperger's 
Ah dear Sam…I heard what you said above clear as a bell ringing across the waters…exactly, everything for everyone, to be not let go of, but rather supported, this makes sense to me. But we really do support everyone else don’t we…when it is us who just need someone to repay the favour. This was a true good heartfelt write. Nice work lovely.
Thank you for hearing. Thank you for listening. Love to you and forever hugs, Sam
xo
Just Stunning~ The way you feel and write, reminds me of me… to the core~ Blessed to have run across your blog and tasted the pain and joy of your heart~ I only hope that you get to be held in the Light of the Love that you truly are~ Blessings~
PS( I lived on Maui for 12 years~ Do you reside there or are your picts. from a trip there?)
From spirit. Poured right out with a bucketload of tears. Peaceful to know you understand that core. I will embrace that blessing.
I have friends in Maui. Just went…and it changed my entire spirit…will go back alone in February…and probably every year, now, to heal.
Blessings to you new friend,
Sam
I think you might relate to a poem that I wrote called “Why am I crying”, and most likely to a few others that have come through this vessel called Satprem~ Really feel aligned with the “spirit” of your work~ BeWell~ 🙂
I will visit soon, and look forward to it. 🙂 Sam
You are not alone in the intensity, you are not alone in the giving of yourself until there it feels there is nothing left, what you don’t know is behind you there is an army. you as leader have soaked in the many intense feelings of others, yet I don’t know if you are yet aware or not. Aside of you is a co laborer who takes some of that pain and begins to share the intensity and ache along with you. behind you is an army of angels ready to fight for you. So you can stand at the river and soak int he water and regain the power of the universe to fight the battles you have been fighting, feeling alone, this army is slowly gathering from across the miles, across the continents and you will soon be aware of an entire squadron of others like yourself ready to hold you ion the weary ties, dance with you in the joyful times and share all the intense feelings so they no longer be each members separate burdens they will be shared burdens and joys among a people to reach out into the coming times.
( I am just hitting post comment as that was all trance writing not sure what it says or where it comes from) HUGS to you
Crying again. Thank you so much.
I have been told this by others and by spirit. The same message over and over. So to hear from you, in this form, on this day, means the world to me. Bless you so very much. You have comforted the depth of my very soul. “So they no longer be each members separate burdens they will be shared burdens and joys among a people to reach out into the coming times.” This is pure truth from source. What a gift you are! Embrace your lovely light. And listen to this voice when it speaks–it is pure light.
Much, much love and gratefulness to you for being you and for us joining together. We are so worthy and so love-filled — we have a purpose.
Gigantic hugs,
Sam 🙂 I’m smiling again.
Glad it made sense to you as I never know what happens when I am hearing this voice, and go into my trance state you are the first one to ever encourage what comes out of it, somehow I knew whatever happened when I was there you would understand, even if I didn’t. This is a growing experience for me.
I will reread this everyday. 🙂
{{hugs}} Sam, words fail my vulcan, logical mind 🙂 but know you are not alone.
You made me chuckle….sounds like my husband. lol ~ 🙂 Thanks for the support. Sam
very open and emotional…love the river poem….the metaphorical river flows through all of us….you’re honestly gives you power
Yep. Kind of like ALL the emotional energy I stuffed for years came surging up all at once! I cried, I mean cried for about an hour straight. I like the river poem, too. It was after the last tear had fallen, that the river poem came to me. Honesty gives me all sorts of stuff…..power is a nicer one. 🙂 Thanks David 🙂
O’ Sam this is lovely. You are so human and I love this. Rascal surely gets to the heart. Keep your vision clear, some days just flow and some get stuck between stones. : )
Thank you, Mari, for saying so. That means a lot to me. It’s hard being human sometimes. Your image of flow and stuck between stones….awe…so perfect. Much love to you, Sam 🙂
You are welcome darling : )
Yes, He is always there.
And I care about you deeply, Sam.
Scott
He is always there! That’s very kind of you, Big Brother Scott! ~ Sam