Day 195: Where I Stand Naked

One un-deep thought by Sam Craft: “I had such a good hair day yesterday, I just don’t know how I can live up to that today.”

And now the deep:

My fixations consume me. They bring me to a place that no one else can reach or touch. A place I feel safe and not vulnerable: a place of discovery, of grand interest, of dreams, of dynamite thoughts and imaginings, of newness and possibilities. My fixation is like a light switch to me. With my intense focus, I am able to turn off the rest of the world—particularly the problems and woes. I can at last breathe in and stop fretting.

For the most part, when I have an intense focus I feel alive and with purpose. There seems to be a reason for living. When I do not have a fixation, I feel lost and unprepared for the day. My special interest is like a backpack filled with vital life supplies for me.

Trouble is, eventually, about every three to five months, my fixation/special interest switches. Just out of the blue. Bam! I wake up, and the fixation is entirely gone. Wiped clean. Think window cleaner to bathroom mirror. One swipe and the toothpaste splatters that you’ve been staring at for ages are gone. And you wonder why you stared at those splatters for so long! Unless you are anal and wipe your mirror everyday…which is so not me.

With the clean wipe, every bit of desire and hunger to learn or study or explore the topic is gone. It’s like a thief in the night came and stole my impulse.

I’ve gotten to the point now that when a fixation starts, I can step back, outside myself, look at the calendar, and track pretty much exactly when the fixation will leave.

This tendency to fixate made relationships with men when I was younger rather difficult. I’d have a giant crush on someone. Hugely so. Bleed out poetry and breathe lust filled thoughts, and then wake up to discover (usually after winning a guy over) that I truly didn’t even like the person. Then the challenge began, as I was so desperate to not be alone, that I’d stay with the guy even though they now gave me the creeps. Nothing like kissing a guy who makes you cringe.

Since being married my fixations are typically not other men, which I’m sure my spouse is relieved to know.  However the fixations are still there, and strong as ever. I move through interests like one might move through fad diets. One month this, three months later that. The funny thing is, that each time a new fixation comes, I think: This is the one! This is what I’ve been waiting for. Kind of like I did with men.

Truth be told, my latest fixation was blogging. And wouldn’t you know it, about five months have passed, and I woke up yesterday with this void and lack of desire to post. A new fixation has taken over. That of walking and photography. And the old fixation, that of blogging, has ended up in a pile with some of my other past interests: Farmville, slickdeals.net. I’d like to add cleaning to the list…to put it in a pile, too. But cleaning has rarely been a fixation for more than a day, and that’s typically when the house is so dang messy, I have to clean to breathe.

Last year my fixations included reading over a hundred spiritual books, Buddhist studies and retreats, turning a room in our house into an office for my spiritual coaching business, planning retreats, and studying techniques for spiritual readings. I lived and breathed spirituality. Until I woke up in late May of last year and the fixation was entirely gone. Presto…Emptied of all desire. Then I switched to getting a degree in counseling. And that became my fixation. In my first college course, I read twice the required readings, and delved into every project, spending ten hours on an assignment, when clearly one hour would have been adequate. The counseling fixation ended in February. And then the door opened to blogging. Blogging was like a whirlpool that I gladly leaped into. And now I find myself, just coming up for air, and standing on the shoreline all sopping wet and confused.

I don’t want to blog anymore. The desire is gone. The fixation vanished. And I think my swimsuit is still in the whirlpool. So I stand naked, confused, and unaware of just where the heck I’ve been, or at least where my brain has been for the last four-plus months.

Odd sensation. I explain some of this feeling of emerging from a special interest in this well-read post

And so today, I am sharing where I stand naked—on this shore utterly perplexed and baffled, finding myself once again in awe of how I am consumed in something, and then seemingly spat out by the vortex and set back on my feet, only to wonder where the heck I’ve been.

The good news is, with my new current fixation of walking and photography, you are bound to see more photos of the great northwest than you ever signed up for. And, of course, photos of my good hair days!

~~~~~~

*** I am still going to blog…just not everyday.

And music isn’t a fixation; it’s a way of life. So that shall always be, as my love for you!

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54 thoughts on “Day 195: Where I Stand Naked

  1. The good news is that we know. We get it. The fixations. The abandonment of blogs and hobbies and interests. Your insight will be missed. You could open it up for some guest blog posts. I would be happy to share one of mine on “What Sensory Processing Disorder feels like”.

  2. Story of my life, too. Go from writing to photography to painting to Reiki to meditation but for me at least now, it is limited to those– oh and of course, Cat Stevens or certain writers or Twitter…

  3. So glad to know that I’m not the only one with this problem. I get super obsessed with a TV show or hobby and then in a few months, all the investment is gone. The only thing that has lasted for me has been my obsession with the UK and Regency period. Everything else seems to come and go.

    1. Thank you for sharing your experience. I see I am definitely not alone in these feelings. Such a great gift to be able to read about everyone’s similar journey. Great hearing from you. Sam 🙂

  4. Hello my lovely friend, I get where you are coming from with the fixation and change of interest and I am happy for your new transition. I tend to create new blogs to go with my new interests. Also new collections and clear my house of old ones. I see blogging as therapy really. Although I do get stuck in trying to understand my aspieness, self-analysis and then other days not be interested in autism at all.
    I really hope you will be sharing your amazing poems still with your beautiful photos. Of course you will, you are a natural poet.
    Also…your stories, I love your stories, you will share them when you are inspired by your walks and things you see?
    It’s just a transition, right? Isn’t it my lovely friend?
    Ok…you need to validate my questions, this dyslexic/aspie loves your blog.
    I love you too. Me. xxx 🙂 ❤

  5. I am on my way to an appointment and just read this on my I phone. Want to say so…much but can’t type on this thing…. Will come back later but suffice for now to say its all growth– all expansion– all good. Sending hugs and love….and will share all my photography secrets w u my sea sister of the NW!! Xxxooo

      1. me here… wow – this was really interesting to me. I can relate to the “fixations” too – sure I’m not aspie? When I get involved with anything, I usually get totally consumed too…to the point that my family doesn’t want to hear about it anymore!! I’ve always been this way.

        Anyway – as for you, certainly there should not be a requirement that you have to post daily. If you want to – ok, if not – just post when it serves you and feels right/good. You do have tremendous gifts, and to share them is a lovely thing, but never should be pressure (though I do get that as I used to think I needed to post daily – then cut to every other and now will go 2 or 3 days).

        Your idea about the walking and photography is wonderful. This blogging thing was for me a secondary plan – the first was walking – the second was meditation, and then came the photos – finally blog idea was born when my kids got tired of me clogging up their FB feed with my daily nature photos 🙂 Never ever expected the blog to be more than a place to journal my pictures. What a surprise — to think I’ve made such wonderful friends (like sea sister) here.

        So all this said — you are so wonderful to share your heart here on this subject – I think it will resonate for lots of us. I know you will follow your heart – expand, grow, make transitions that promote your highest well-being. That is all really good stuff. I don’t expect to see you fall off the WordPress planet — just maybe revise your process and frequency…. which is great. I think bulldog said it best when he said this should be fun and relaxing — no angst or pressure. I’ll try to remember that too. I so hope your poetry and other amazing writing continues. You are an inspiration to me there you know !! I never planned on writing here – and reading work like yours was awesome and sparked my interest/desire to dabble a bit.

        Sending love and hugs – and want to hear all about your new adventures. Can’t wait to enjoy the images you capture too ~ will be so healthy and good for you to be breathing fresh air and exercising muscles ~ circulating blood etc. I’m happy for you xxoo Robyn

    1. Oh, Robyn, such sweet words you wrote. I love how your mind works and how you scribe your thoughts. Such a genuine and kind soul you are. Thank you. I was filled with happiness in reading your words and journey. You are a precious gift to me–like the best seashells washed up on the shore to greet me. Hugs and love to you, beautiful sea sister. Sam 🙂

  6. I do understand the fixations and it is good to have someone else say “yes! that’s what you did!” I have changed since the stroke. My fixations before lacked the strength to endure and the patience to learn them well. Blogging is not a fixation so much as it is an answer to what I have always wanted to do – write. Yes, I wake up mornings and don’t want to. I post at 10pm each day; I try to schedule it for then, in fact, I do almost always. Last night it was, literally, 9:56pm when I posted and scheduled for 10pm. Just one of those days. But, I really want to succeed at this. It is the way to a lot of the other, I truly think.

    I am okay, LBS, as long as you post, at least, once a week? That will let me know you are okay. Besides, I really like ready your blogs. Live, sister!
    Enjoy what feels good to you. Fixations are not all bad – enjoy, enjoy, enjoy!
    Scott BB

    1. That’s discipline. As long as it gives you contentment and peace, then bravo! I’ll still post, just not with the same “need.” I would miss my blogging family too much! Thanks for the comment and peek into your experience. Yes, at least once a week. I might try every other day….sometimes everyday…not sure how it will transition, but would like to reach day 366 before I stop all together. 🙂 Hugs, Sam

  7. Are we not all like that? I had a great desire to write articles at the begining of the year, I joined a site and started to pen, not to become the top author but just to write whatever came into the head. Within 2 months I had become the top author and the intense drive to stay there became an obsession. In the end it became a chain tied to my leg. I had written 215 odd articles and for four and a half months I was number one. Two days ago I was knock off the top position, the feeling of relief was over powering, I didn’t want to do it anymore, but felt I had to. Lately my articles had tallied off from at least one a day to one a week. Now I feel I don’t have to do it anymore.
    My blogging with my photos started not long ago and there is no pressure, there’s no ranking, no urge to have someone like your photos, it’s fun and more relaxing.. and if I’m away for a period, so what.. followers look again when I post and some comment and others merely like, which is great…
    So a change of the type you talk of is nothing unusual, sure I will miss your poetry, but then I look forward to your photography.
    Don’t feel bad I think we all feel like you, and that’s the beauty of blogging, no pressure no targets to meet, just enjoyment… Need to see your smiling face though, even your bad hair days, something I never suffer from… I don’t have any… keep smiling and we all love you back.. of that I’m sure…

    1. I think some of us much more than others. And my passion consumes me….my every thought, morning, day, night, all day long. It’s intense, all I talk about, all I share, all I want to live for….so I think to a degree we are all like that, but I take it to the next level, perhaps. It’s a common trait with Aspergers.

      Interesting to read about your writing history. Wow! You are a writer!!! Do I have the link to that…the top writer link? I want my blog to transition to no pressure….that’s my aim…this is a grand opportunity, and good learning experience for me.

      Oh, I am a poet at heart. That is not a fixation. I will still write poetry. For certain. The blogging was the fixation….having to post….not the poetry. That would be like taking my heart or eyes away. 🙂

      Love that you need to see my smiling face. That is so very kind. Look forward to more animal photos. 🙂

      Thanks as always for your time and thoughtful words.
      Hugs,
      Sam 🙂

      1. A link to my articles is the three w’s (dot) streetarticles (dot) com (forward slash) about (forward slash) rob-ainslie (forward slash) 26609.

        This takes you to my profile where there is a list of my articles, about all sorts of things, what ever comes into my head…

  8. I so understand the fixations. I look back and wonder how something could have so consumed me at that time, yet also remember how hard it was to control it when under its spell.

  9. I see myself in you Sam. More so in my earlier years. But still, the fixations ebb and flow. Perhaps with softer sounds, compared to those olden days of tsunami’s and tidal waves. The nature of our human existence, albeit a profound mystery, is one of constant flux and change, repositioning and changing again and again.. toward the Light.

    I will be looking forward to witnessing your ebb and flow in whatever form it may take.

    My obsession with taking photos has helped me see myself, others and the journey in a truer Light, and reminded me that life, in all it’s presentations, is worth our best shot.

    Love you and miss you! xx

  10. I completely relate to what you are saying here. I am surprised that I have not lost my blogging fixation…as of yet. Though I do grow tired of being so serious all the time. I think blogging helps get that out so I can be my silly self in real life with my kiddies.

    I can track my fixations as well, and go through my blog posts to see them in their shining glory! Ha ha ha My loopty-loops go round and round. Spirituality has never left me – in comes in various forms of fixation. It has been with me since childhood and I have read so many of the same things, but my brain does these “mind-dumps” and I forget or discover things I had not noticed before making it feel new. Still it is a loop, just like science, math, exercise, reading, cooking, etc… However, music is a way of life, yes, yes! 🙂

    I look forward to seeing all of your images and lovely face beaming through the interenet waves letting us all know that you are still there!

    Loopty-loop bing and bong waving curls of happy songs… hee hee

    Hoping for lots of love shine bubbles and fairy tales unfolding upon your paths everyday!! 😀

    1. Blogging does help me. I am very happy I have blogged and will continue to do so, but am glad to release the obsessive part of it. Thanks for sharing about your loops…I used to wonder why I couldn’t stick to something for very long. Now life makes a lot more sense. I wonder what it is about our brains/spirit that makes us switch on and off. I’ve never lost my quest for spiritual truth and wisdom…just my HUGE fixation to read 1 or 2 books a day on the subject matter. lol. Thank you for your support. Love your use of words….I can feel the loopty-loop bing and bong waving curls of happy songs…..so cute and clever you are.
      Oh….sigh…..the unfolding of fairytales….now wouldn’t that be super grand.
      I think we have like hearts of romance and passion….sigh.
      Bubbles of light to you and the gentle flutter of butterfly wings through your day.
      Sam 🙂

  11. Photographing and walking are my interests at the moment . . . So much so that after a thirty mile adventure with 200 plus photos, I don’t even think twice when I lance the blisters then plan the next outing.

    Currently I log in one twenty to thirty mile hike once a week, then seven to eight miles on each of the next days. Cranking in over 2500 miles a year for the last 5 years.

    I hope to be returning to the poetry in vigour soon; as I dream them up on walks.

    Look forward to seeing your journeys : )

    1. Well, hello there, Coyotetooth. 30 miles! Wow. My long walks are 6 to 7 miles. But usually I do between 4 and 5 a day right now. Which, for me, is a lot! I can picture that blister….ouch. You must be in mint condition. I dream up poetry on walks, too.
      Thanks for the comment.
      Smiles,
      Sam 🙂

  12. I have no idea how you did as much as you did every single day!!! It’s a tough job to blog. I used to post every single day to the detriment of my family and when a trial came up during the summer of last year, I had to stop. When I came back, I posted less but my most dearest readers came back. If I didn’t slow down, I would have burnt the candle totally out.

    You are a writer. There is no taking that away. Blogging can be whatever you want it to be. I had to laugh at your fixations. You basically described me as well. My fixations tend to last a year or two though, before I move on… sewing, drawing, astronomy, writing… some things are not fixations – or shouldn’t be (!) having children, a family…

    I cannot imagine not being able to read more of the stories of your youth. You write so vividly that your characters leap out of the page and to life before my eyes. Every one of those posts is a gift. And I have been spoiled with your writing.

    This sudden realization that you have awoke – spent of desire – may just be your mind and body’s way of slowing you down. I personally am deeply pained at the cut back to my beautiful Sam’s posts! Yeah, yeah, not totally, just less! There is never enough brilliant writing – yours is a rarity. Your muse will return – in female form this time – and she will bring you back round when the time is right. xoxo 😉

    1. Good point about burning the candle out. That is how I was starting to feel. So pulling back is healthy for both me and my writing.
      Yes, blogging can be whatever we wish it to be. 🙂 I like that thought. Interesting your fixations last longer. I have had a few that lasted a year. Writing a manuscript, developing an entire lesson plan for the whole year for pre-K school I started.
      I have few more stories of my youth, I hope to share. I am so glad you appreciate them. 🙂 That makes my heart happy.
      Yes….I do believe my minds and bodies way of slowing down. And I think, getting back outdoors a lot, and walking, and back in tune with my physical being, is grounding me some.
      I laughed last night, thinking how funny it will be if I continued to post everyday….which is always an option. lol
      Your kind words are so appreciated. It is nice to be noticed for my writing. This has been a dream come true, finding an outlet to share my prose and thoughts with thoughtful and kind people. Your support is very highly valued.
      Chat soon, lovely K.
      Sam 🙂

  13. First of all where is the naked pic of yours as promised 😯
    Man if this is what you write when you dont want to…
    hey will kill ya if you dont..Go to Maui again..
    so get you..if you have noticed i uses to post atleast three times ..not it has comedown to once..happens..we live in phases..from extreme fixations to the point of obsession to a dull dont care moment..

    1. Oh, dear Soma…you truly don’t want to see me naked…as the years pass…I look more and more like my grandmother naked. lol 🙂
      Maui again….not a bad idea!!! Want to join me?
      Yes…I did notice you slow down and pull back….interesting. Yes, phases…extreme fixations and then dull don’t care…it’s that exactly. Gets tiring though.
      You are such a gem. Thanks for your thoughts.
      Hugs,
      Sam 🙂

  14. I live to read about your good hair days. With life being so uncertain and complicated, a good hair day counts as a success.

    I have so enjoyed reading your posts. Unlike Karen, I did hit “like” because your posts are open, honest, reflective, humourous, self-aware and authentic. This is one like so many others where you tell us about your thoughts and feelings.

    It’s funny but I have noticed that your posts seem to lack some vibrancy recently, but I only can see that now that we know about how you tackle life.

    Your photos are beautiful and I look forward to seeing them. I would rather see you do that for months with gusto than blog when you think it’s like kissing a guy who makes you cringe. Having said that, I really like your writing and I hope it doesn’t go away completely.

    1. Wow, Gingerheaddad, such kind words. Thanks so much. The outpour from readers has been a surprise. I only meant to express what was going on in my head….and everyone has been so very sweet. Yes….the posts were lacking vibrancy and less and less of me in the energy…keen of you to pick up. But I think I have found the balance again. I feel refreshed after this post, and hope to post with the whole of me again.
      Thank you for the comment about the photos. I’m sure I do tons of things “wrong” e.g., angle, focus, zoom….but for me, there are no rules, just capturing the moment, energy, and feeling.
      LOL….I know…who wants to kiss and cringe!!! YUCK-O
      Thanks for everything. Writing won’t go away completely. My goal is still 366 posts….might just take me longer to get there….or not….
      Take care,
      Sam 🙂

  15. So True and I like that I am able, as well, to take a small (mental) step back these daze and just witness the unfolding of my inherent patterning~ Knowing my “fixated” personality intimately. I do my best to knot get involved in unhealthy patterns, but I have Plenty of *healthy* fixations and I see ^fixation^ as merely a movement of energy which I seem to surf pretty well unless I think about it too much~ lol 😉 Good to be back and have some time to catch up with your Wonderfullll Words of Wisdom~

    1. “merely a movement of energy” I like that thought.
      Yes….that whole thinking about too much….CURSE of the intelligent mind!!!
      Good to have you back. Thanks for your great comment.
      Mental steps back…..such a release to do that.
      Smiles and light to you,
      Sam 🙂

      1. Thank you Dear Soul~ I haven’t known you for that long but I have to say that I’ve noticed a change in your ***presence***, a soft and warm glow emanating from and surrounding you~ 🙂

  16. Linguistics…astral projection and lucid dreaming…classical music…learning Italian…learning the violin..etc. I know what you’re talking about. These are a few of the interests that I haven’t able to maintain for longer than a few days or weeks at a time. Luckily I’ve always kept my biggest ones – psychology and writing. Where would I be without these vices? What would my career goals consist of if it wasn’t for my ability to understand both human emotion and the mechanisms of the English language? (or so I hope)

    If a neurotypical person presented this same problem, most would simply consider him to be of a “flighty” personality. Why isn’t this the same for those with autism? Aren’t NTs allowed certain special interests that appear and disappear at a moment’s notice? Why is this considered a bad personality quirk in seemingly normal people, yet is accepted and encouraged in the AS community?

    This is interesting to me…thoughts? As a member of the Spectrum myself, I’m trying to understand this from both sides rather than launch into a debate, so forgive me if the above comes across a bit hostile.

    Thanks for this post – will be watching with interest 🙂

    1. 🙂 I think everyone has interests that ebb and flow….maybe they have a huge interest for a few months and then it is gone. For me, and this is my opinion, when I have an interest it consumes me. EVERYwhere I look I think about how it relates to my interest. For instance when I spent months developing a curriculum for school lessons I spent all my extra time going to garage sales and used book stores collecting books for the project. I spent days and nights at home, planning. Everything was focused around my interest. Our house was rearranged to better fit the needs of my interest. It’s all I could really think about or talk about. So, while everyone has interests that come and go, mine can overwhelm me and take over my life. I don’t see anything as a positive or negative, or “NT” habits as worse or better….I just know what I do, and how I can step back now and watch myself become consumed. However, I am, with greater awareness, finding a balance. I think “artists” in general become consumed…and certainly not all artists are ASD. So it’s a trait that is shared, not exclusive. Hope that makes sense.

      1. Yes it does, and that’s the difference between neurotypical people and those with ASD – the level to which our interests consume our mental energy. I know mine does. Even in short bursts, they’re always on my mind. Some more than others. My interest in psychology feels like a part of me that’s second nature. It literally feels like a fifth limb, so to speak. Perhaps my psychological interest isn’t as narrow and obsessive as it once was, but it seems deeper and more mature now than it did a few years ago. Hence why I’ve chosen to pursue it as a career. My interests tend to be all-consuming in the beginning and gradually lessen with time, and only the strongest stick around for good.

        I think self-analysis has become a special interest of sorts. Is that possible? Talk about all-consuming. You’ve no idea how many times I’ve read your “Traits” article just to confirm those things in myself. It’s a comfort to know that my struggles are validated.

      2. lol…oh yes…..self-analysis is my ongoing everyday special interest. lol. lol…..glad to know traits confirms things for you. I have to reread it myself every so often to reconfirm, too. I understand. Best wishes to you in all your interests. You have some great ones. 🙂 hugs, Sam

  17. Ah, fixations. I know them well.

    I can’t really remember the ones I had as a kid, though. But when I was 8-11, I think it was swimming. Perhaps. As I said, I can’t remember. 😛 I have a terrible memory sometimes!

    From the ages of 13-14, I’m assuming that gymnastics was one of them. Writing, too, perhaps.

    Anime… I always go back to anime. I’ll watch around 110 episodes in the space of five days continuously, if given the chance. Television shows in general, actually. If I enjoy a television show, I’ll HAVE to watch it every time it comes on. If I miss it once, chances are that I’ll stop watching it altogether.

    But back to the subject of anime: I’ll spend at least a month obsessing over one anime. I’ll watch it over and over again, then watch my favorite episodes on repeat. And then… I read fanfiction. It depends on how long the anime is, as some of them have lasted for months!

    Right now, though, I’m off anime, and onto…. Aspergers Syndrome. I’m so obsessed. 😮

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