Day 191: Purple Toes and Love Clouds

A song I can’t get out of my head. There’s always one that sticks around for days.

“I have a deep angst in the depths of me that I have been carrying in my soul since May of this year. I do not have the words to describe this experience, except to say I feel a vast depth in my inner being that is filled with a mixture of love, passion, and longing. I have carried this from when I awake, until I sleep.

Dreams bring escape.

I have tried to figure out what to do with this feeling that feels akin to unconditional expansive love—a bottomless pit I want to fill with all the beauty about me.

I have had no choice but to pour the angst out of my soul day after day into prose and poetry. Each day I think I am emptied, only to find, time and time again, that I am not relieved for even a moment.

I have tried to pour this love into one person, and find that this love is not made for one.

I have tried to cry it out, walk it out, starve it out, laugh it out, talk it out….but alas it stays, lingering in the forefront of my every waking thought.

This love will not depart, and instead seems to grow with each coming day.

I know not what to do. The feeling is akin to the huge cavernous hole I would experience with the thought of expectation, a joyful event about to take place, a reunion of lovers, an anticipation of marvelous ecstasy.

The butterflies are a million. The energy persuasive and all-encompassing, as if heaven’s angels are all at once swirling within me, their wings stirring a golden dust of light.

I cannot move at times.

I cannot catch my breath at times.

And there seems to be no antidote.

I am slowly realizing that I am not meant to solve this riddle of love.

I am not meant to dislodge the love or give this love to one.

I am meant to embrace this love and welcome it. To say each morning: Welcome my angst. Welcome my calling. Welcome heaven’s voice. Thank you for letting me know I am alive. Thank you for letting me be your instrument. I welcome you with open arms. I embrace you. I walk with you for as long as you wish to be here. And I carry you for the world. This light seed. This watering can for the masses.” ~ Sam Craft, July 2012

We went to Mt. Rainier National Forest in the state of Washington, USA, yesterday.

I felt this unbearable love the entire drive there. I listened to music through my headphones and daydreamed of a forest glen, me as an elven princess, and of a charming knight. When we arrived at the basin of National Park I asked the heavens for a sign, for validation of this vast love I am carrying. Within minutes all the dark clouds began to disperse. Not long after, when I stepped out of the van, I turned, and this is what I saw.

This heart cloud was only there for a matter of seconds.

Later I asked for more signs. Greedy little girl I am…..because one heart in a beautiful clear blue sky was not enough!

I’ve always said that the angels have a sense of humor…. These are the signs I was given.

Signs on the path my family made for me and my youngest, so we could find our way to the end of the trail.

I am still learning to SPECIFY when I make requests for signs!

Hours later, as we finished our 5.5 mile hike, I looked up to the sky, and specifically asked for a sign to validate the overflowing love I have inside and to confirm one of my deepest desires (a desire which I shall not mention because I don’t have to–giggles and blushing)

And in an almost cloudless sky, another heart cloud formed right then and there above me.

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“Your truth speaks for those still listening for their voices, between the frayed and hanging stitches of their seams.” ~ My Aunt’s words to me

Oh, and here are my toes.

Tomorrow I shall post some lovely photos of the National Forest. Almost as lovely as my big toe. Or I shall share a silly slumber party poem that mentions the word shagging! Or both. Or something else. Isn’t life wonderful? All these choices. And toes…..glorious purple toes.

Day 189: That Moment

That Moment

I want to be that moment

in a black and white film

when man pulls woman into his arms

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I want to be that passion

the lyrics in the love song

that leave you gasping

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I want to be that instant

when mother sees newborn

and souls embrace

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I want to be that sigh

as lost wanderer tracks

the sun dripping below ocean

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I want to be that completion

the final missing piece

of the perfect puzzle

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I want to be that reason

you sprint back home

to find what was forgotten

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I want to be that breaking

the mile-marker when runner weeps

and then pushes onward, strengthened

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I want to be that second

when one first beholds his beloved

and understands she is his answer

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I want to be that ache

the final line of a love poem

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photograph and words by Samantha Craft, July 2012

Day 188: You

Washington State Park
by Sam Craft

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You

I searched a thousand love songs

I thumbed through printed prose

I edged my mind round poems thick

All words that rhymed with rose

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In storybook or tale

The answer did not rest

And so I tried with might

To search through nature vast

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From animal to tree

From sky to crumbled rock

I walked from path to path

I tracked the soaring hawk

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In vain I hung head low

In sorrow and in shame

I had not found the answer

And had to start again

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This time I looked at art

Communicated form

To marble, paint, and print

To oddities adorned

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To everything that came

To everything I saw

I could not find the answer

Not hanging on a wall

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My legs they soon grew tired

My heart it gave a thump

My mind was spinning top

My throat it felt a lump

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How could I describe you

And show you how I cared

Declare my adoration

When you weren’t anywhere

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And so I found a tree

So very tall, and sat

And took a deep breath in

And thought of this and that

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I reasoned and I volleyed

I cursed and threw a fit

I hollered and I worried

And even gasped a bit

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Until the answer flew

Smack straight into my heart

And suddenly I knew

How to piece together parts

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I found you weren’t outside me

Not anywhere I’d looked

Not locked within the words

Of any single book

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I saw you clearly now

In everything you are

The golden thread of hope

My brilliant shining star

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A source that danced within

My ever waking dream

Inspirer of wishes

Interwoven in my seams

~

Sam Craft

July 2012

I’m kind of in a music mode….hehehehe 🙂

Day 187: Sometimes I Am

Sometimes I am.

Sometimes I am suspended in time. Unable to stop staring ahead at what could be.

Sometimes I am a twisted warrior upon wooden horse entwined with emotion.

Sometimes I am wounded. A broken woman watching the east for the sun that never came.

Sometimes I am the shadow crying up to the heavens.

Sometimes I am knight hidden in the corner. Eyes a glow with fear and spear made sharp.

Sometimes I am crucified in the forest of thought.

Sometimes I am twin flame, calling out to lost lover.

Sometimes I am clinging branch longing for confirmation of my existence.

Sometimes I am a naked glow, harboring the mysteries.

Sometimes I am refugee, sleeping in my corner of light.

Sometimes I am dancing spirit with partner grace.

Sometimes I am union, passion, and joy.

Sometimes I am a jester pointing the way to laughter.

Sometimes I am constant searcher.

Sometimes I am beauty that sweeps across stage.

Sometimes I am electric.

Sometimes I stand together.

Sometimes I rise alone.

Sometimes I am.

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Photos and words by Sam Craft. Trees on my walk.

Day 181: True Vision

True Vision

Look into your eyes and count the specks. What sparkles in you, sparkles in all, endlessly.

How true this vision depends on the bandage.

How long you lay rest these eyes in darkness.

To let them see, what they do not see.

What sees is not these two balls made as one—some scope of evaluation and knowledge.

What sees in truth cannot have appendages, attachment, blood, fibrous tangles.

Instead, what truly sees is much beyond, as much as forward, in balance and in truth.

For once the bandages are removed from eyes, and eyes made restful, then all is made light.

All shines, not through eyes, yet through vision.

The truth in symbols, sound.

Embrace the gratitude of silence. The ears thus see—the heart, the mind.

This soul you lock away with bolt and key.

Lay rest the eyes, least the soul seeks to escape a prison self-created, intensely real and manufactured in painful callings of long forgotten desires.

Seek not this empty space buried deep beneath the earth any  longer.

Come out, come forward.

A true vision of living light.

A walking truth for all to breathe from.

To recognize, to reaffirm, and at last remember as you are, so are they.

At last, as always, true and effervescent beauty.

Photos taken by Sam Craft at Asilomar Conference Center in Pacific Grove, California. July 2012. Words by Sam Craft.

Day 179: Paste Me to the Moon

Photographs of State Park in Washington (July 2012)

I am lost for words today. A woman in a forest of thoughts and mystery, both intrigued and frightened by her own mind.

I am between two rivers, two streams of thought, of how I am to be and what I want to be.

I question my every need, my every desire, my unyielding passion. And yet I know I am pure. I know I am enough. But I wonder where to turn in my mind. Where to stop. Where the boundaries are…when thoughts are exhausted and nothing else exists.

I only want to be loved. I only long to give love. But why do I long? Where does the longing rise from? Where is the switch? This knowing? This intensity? Where is this me that calls from beneath the shadows?

I measure everything. I place abstractness on scales. My actions are spared, as my thoughts have been filtered through and through, weighed out, analyzed, scrutinized…my actions don’t have a chance…they are absent…missing…vapors evaporating before they breathe.

Where do I travel? Where do I go? Why am I a lone wanderer on a planet that does not feel familiar and in a body and form I do not recognize? Why can I see others more clearly than my own self? And where do I stand? If I do not follow and do not lead, then where is my place in line?

Where is my reflection? Where do I find me. I cannot see me except through the eyes of another, and still this perception is so broken and shattered. And in my own mirror, I do not know this me. Everything in physical is not me. Every angle different and obscure. If I am not what I see and not what another sees, then what am I?

Am I my words? These symbols? These sounds? Am I energy? Am I flesh? Am I this still beating heart? Or am I more so this ache, this deep and unreachable ache. Yes, I am this ache. I am in totality this intense  ache.

So where to put me, this angst, this invisible pull that spins me into unwanted need and unneeded want. Where to put me?

Perhaps to the moon. Fly me to the moon, so I may be made whole. So that I may exist as an unmistakable mass dancing in empty space. My purpose only to move and stir. Paste me there. My image melted into one form. This searching ended. Paste me to the moon, so that I may watch from above and you may watch from below; and then we can both, from where we exist, imagine the world of the image before us.

Day 178: Sometimes When I Blog…on Caffeine

Sometimes when I blog…

1. I get concerned about what I write, how I come across, and if I am expressing myself accurately. I mean do people really truly understand how quirky I am? Or do I need to prove it more?

I cleaned my study for 3 hours. Frequent readers will notice the neatly organized shelf. You can clap now. I had caffeine. Can you tell? This is not my normal expression.

2. I worry that I am exposing my inner most secrets to an unknown alien race or zombie civilization…or worse…my mother-in-law.

Yes…I call my dog Spastic Colon…but you should hear the name I called her the other night…She smelled really bad….

3. I stress that I will reach day 366 (leap year) two weeks early, on account that I posted a few times too many in one week; and that in actuality I will be ending my year of blogging short, and thusly lying, and making my whole blog, Everyday Aspergers, one giant scam!!!

Totally off subject….but because of a dear, dear friend…they upgraded our first night stay in Maui from standard room to the 2,000 square foot Penthouse with ocean views…..Yes….this was AWESOME

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View from the PENTHOUSE. When in line for free veggie burgers, I was giggling and saying loudly in line: “Boys, should we go back to our PENTHOUSE after this.” And “Wow, I can’t wait to gather at the PENTHOUSE later.”

4. I laugh when my sons inquire when I am going to add advertisements to my posts to start rolling in the cash.

My youngest asks everyday when he can get a high paying job and who employs ten year olds. Today he said that he has everything he wants in life and is so happy he can cry. Amazing what an I-Pod Touch and a Slip-N-Slide can do for a kid! Of course I said, “The test is to be this happy when things aren’t going perfectly well.” He said, “I know.” And then I started thinking I still have a lot of practicing to do until I fully understand that concept myself. Like when it’s the tenth day of no fricken sun in Washington come fall.

5. I miss commenters, wonder what they are like in person, and wish I could visit each and every single person who visits my blog. I think about how long this would take, how much money, and which places in the world have the very best chocolate.

Maui has a secret place in the mountains where you can find fresh baked banana bread (from banana trees on property) with bread dipped in chocolate and ice-cream in the middle. If you send me a ticket to Maui, I’ll take you there!!!

6. I make super good friends that I talk to every single day (AlienHippy) and share intimate details of my life with, and get to act like I’m twelve, and giggle, and joke, and talk about my wood elf fantasy life, and count the months (36) until I can fly to England and meet her!!!

A magical elf land photo just for you AlienHippy. I can’t wait for you to take me to the magical forests in England and introduce me to the Elf People!!! Yay!! he he (Photo on yesterday’s walk)

7. I get obsessed about photography. Every moment is an opportunity to share my world with people! A hailstorm. A party. A stream. A tree. Heck, even a sock nailed to a post. Everything is more exciting and worthy of sharing!!!

Hail on my birthday!!! The Gods were celebrating!

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Freak storm with lightening and thunder and hail! Happy Birthday to me!

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Coming down in buckets. Neighbor said she hadn’t seen the likes of a storm like this in years! July 2012 Yep…..SUMMER

8. I wake up in the middle of the night with the best poem in all the universes, and scribe the words in detail, only to awake in the morning thinking who wrote this poop? Then I spend two hours re-crafting my words, and feel like a genius, when my sea sister , blog brother , Sweet Angel, or long time supporter, George, compliment me. If they only could see the original draft…we’d all get a good laugh then.

I love this photo….maybe a poem….Sail on mice and wheat grass of ebony mountains with Robin Hood.

9. I wait nervously staring at the computer, waiting for that first comment to validate that I actually communicated and sent my thoughts out into cyberspace to be tracked and received by a real person.

Sending out an S.O.S.

10. I want to stop! I want to quit! I want to say enough. Until I get a message from a female with Aspergers saying how much my words mean to her. Then I tear up, and my heart swells big, and I know I am on the right path, or I am the Grinch…or something like the Grinch, with an over-sized heart who wants to join hands and sing around a tree.

Boardwalk Path through state park yesterday. 🙂

11. I get obsessed with stat numbers that catch my attention. Like today 66,600 visits was the total around mid-afternoon, and I just couldn’t settle my mind until the three sixes disappeared all together. Or the 513 subscriber. I love 13, and was so giddy at the 13; that subscriber 514 was a wee bit of a letdown. And at one point today, my post 116 Reasons I Know I Have Aspergers had exactly 116 views! Now that was coolness to the max. Did I mention the quirky aspect?

Lucky me!!! Three deer. Count them. Three, stopped in front of my van in Pacific Grove, California when I was about to make a right turn. 🙂 “Oh, I have to take these photos for my blog!” Boys: Rolling eyes.

12. I meet another blogger in real life!!! Someone I didn’t know at all 4.5 months ago, that now is a part of my waking, walking, breathing, flesh world! We live 11 hours away from each other. And turns out our parents live about one mile from one another, and we both lived in WA and CA at different parts of our lives. And we both have a great “drunk” look, without a drop of alcohol. By the way K, my husband said he thinks you’re hot. (My biggest worry in meeting K was that she would finally discover how my I-Mac computer is god-like in its ability to hide my wrinkles and shrink my nose in up close photo shots.)

Cutie K, laughing!

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Our “How sweet our we?” Pose

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Our drunken pose….seen late at night in local dive bars….lol My nose is not that big….it’s the angle….my husband reassured me..several times

13. Oh….and I sometimes forget what I was going to do. Here’s the sock photo.

A sock photo taken entirely for your enjoyment.

14. I spend up to three hours looking for the perfect song to match my mood.

15. I say WHAT THE HECK!!! LIVE a LITTLE, GIRLFRIEND! No one, absolutely no one, will care if you publish at 11:53 pm, instead of midnight, and count the post as the next day’s post. It’s okay. Really. It’s all going to be Okay!

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I was having a really good hair day in this photo. Don’t you think?

July 2012 With a kind friend in California

Day 177: A Stream of Echo


Washington State Park

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A Stream of Echo

Thine every word awakens me, a scented melody sweet parading down tickled spine

Transparent rum drops trickling through bittersweet fantasy

A sunlit swan, I expand wings and bask midst the ripe ringing joy that is thou

Intemperance cometh, unbridled trembling thoughts from fledgling child

A wanting mistress bows emancipated to mountain erupting

Cometh twin volcano with esoteric eyes of yearning, enter painted dream’s rippled lake

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A stream of echo, and I am made ruby lipstick to thine mouth

Touched and lined thin along treasured opening

Nomad mighty, suitcase imprinted, whither thou travels, I follow

A friendship bracelet wrapped round cherished throat, grasping the vibration of soul

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Feed me with sound, one upon the other, carry me to the bones that move

The jaws that clutch, the tongue emerged, dripping moisture, a taste of substance formed

Whisper one syllable, enough to turn woman into starving ghost

Speak uninhibited to the open air that stirs, to the course of calling

Speak now as timber of folly cascades through tumbled heart

And find this sinking sun harbored softly beneath thine wanting woes

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by Samantha Craft

July 2012


My front yard

Day 176: Speak Not of Angels

Washington July 2012

Speak Not of Angels

Speak not of angels
Or saints
Or masters or teachers
Speak not of mind
Or matter
Or virtue, or sin
Speak only of heart
And opening
Of divine power
Gracing your presence
From within
As the world is seeded
By thoughts and perception
Thusly are you rooted
To this world
Take caution in what is drawn up
Into you
From the soils made
Neither of whole, nor truth
Instead choose sky
In its emptiness
And vastness
As the embers of the all-embracing
Transform your vision
Be gone all doubt, destitute, and destruction
In place, welcome warmth
Healing rays of gratitude
Know what is
What was
And what will be are naught
For all is
And nothing more
To look beyond
Is to be the sailor searching
For willows and porcupines
Whilst at open sea
To be searching for no-otters
No creatures of sea
While immersed in water
This is how you seek
For the existence of not
When All is about you

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by Samantha Craft

Washington July 2012

My brain is so quirky….This is the song I can’t get out of my head tonight. lol