poetry

His Call

| Aspergers Girls

The new theme for my life, I have decided, is breaking free. Breaking free of rigid restrictions I set upon myself. Breaking free of old tapes that replay messages that no longer serve a purpose in my growth. Breaking free of the box I put myself into in order to avoid living and feeling. Breaking free of fear. And breaking free of secrets.

Today I decided to break free of this idea that I can only post once a day. I notice that us poets sometimes need to post more. It’s our hearts, I gather, exploding with passion and angst, and this surging creativity that seemingly is rebirthed daily.

Sometimes I wait until the magic hour of midnight to post; just so I can post twice in a day, but I don’t really count that as posting twice. Turns out I’m about twelve days ahead of myself…my blog is living in the future.  And I kind of wonder how I will catch up. Wonder what Sam is doing ahead of me.

I’m quite tired of living by structure and rules, especially my own. Tired of routine, expectations, and people-pleasing. Realizing I want to please myself—to honor my desires, wants, and dreams. And thusly, I’m posting again. And breaking free.

His Call

Mountain morning dove

Set upon the pearly staircase

Wrapped within the valley blue

Draped in lace and contemplation

The white of one split two

Hears echoing

From peak

The nightingale’s beckon

Stronger than the cry of river falls

Lighter than the foe of painter’s black

The vibration of symphony devoured

Within the deepest depths

Phoenix-fire ignited

Rebirthed as starlit sky

Beyond the endless cage

Scooped longingly within engulfing embrace

Merging feathers

Churned milky-honey

 A blended sweetness

To soar within

© Everyday Aspergers, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited.

My ten-year-old son just handed me this sweet story he wrote.

Bunny

Turtle loved to play with his buddy fish. But one day a stranger came up to them while they were playing splash. “Hi. My name is Bunny can I play, too?”

“Yea. You can play.”

They were all playing but when they started to play under the water hide-and-go-seek, Bunny couldn’t breathe. Bunny asked if he could play another game.

“Can we play a different game?” he asked.

“No. We can’t. We like to play this game.”

Bunny came home that day very sad. His mom asked what was the matter. “Well, I was playing with some kids and they were playing a game I can’t play. So I asked it we could play a different game and they said, ‘no.'”

“Well, that wasn’t the nice thing to do,” his mom said.

“What’s nice, Mommy?”

“Well nice is being kind and caring and being polite.”

“Oh. Okay, But what do I do about it?”

“Find new friends that are nice to you. Okay?”

The next morning the bunny was hopping around and found the squirrel. “Hi. Want to play?”

“Yes. Let’s play!”

And they did, all day long.

When bunny got home, he was so happy.

His mom asked him, “Where were you?”

“Playing with squirrel!”

“Great. You found a new friend.”

“Yes. And he’s cool. Thank you, Mom.”

~ Robert C 2012

Thanks for being my new friend and being so flippin cool ~ Sam 🙂

Day 135: Riding the Wave

| Aspergers Girls
Maui Photo 2012
Riding the Wave

I’ve stuffed my emotions for so many years. The fire in me is now burning, and I’m loving the independence, and new found freedom. I feel like I’m thirteen again. Only much more wise, mature, confident, and damn sexy!

I love songs, like I did back then. I am dancing. I can’t get enough of the outdoors. I am enjoying my friends, as we giggle a lot over girl talk.

I am so excited for life and all life has to offer. I am very satisfied with who I am, where I have traveled, and what I have overcome. I feel like the Cat’s Pajamas. I am the Cat’s Pajamas! I’m great, incredible, and special. Just like YOU! And I’m moving towards my own style and own innovation.

I’m chuckling over the silliest things, like this definition of bee’s knees:

Coined circa, in the 1920’s, bee’s knees means something along the lines of very good, excellent, great, amazing. A bee’s baskets for pollen are located near its knees, so when the bee’s baskets are full of pollen, they are filled with the good stuff.

That just cracks me up! Filled with the good stuff!

I feel filled with good stuff. I truly do.

And of course this stuff turns into the sweetness of honey! Yummy honey….

I also laughed aloud at the less popular terms of endearment that never quite made it through the years—words like: the flea’s eyebrows and the canary’s tusks. I so want to call someone the flea’s eyebrows. Just once. “Hey, you sexy!” “Yea, YOU.” “You, MY MAN, are the flea’s eyebrows!” I’d like to say that to a biker dude with a bunch of awesome tattoos or a twenty-year old kid, just to freak him out. Old lady diving off the deep end.

I am truly enjoying this rush, whatever it is. I don’t really care anymore. I am happy. Balanced. Loving. Focused. And for the most part feel sane…just constantly aching. But hey, an ache in the loins makes for marvelous poetry….

Here’s a poem I wrote in a matter of seconds yesterday, posted, then deleted. I fretted the words would seem silly and non-sensical to the onlooker. But after reflection, I really dig this poem. It makes sense to me. It moves me. It makes me feel alive. And that’s what I am aiming for during this phase of my life. What moves me. No one is stopping me this time. I’m me. And I love me.

Whatever transitions are happening in 2012, I seem to be surfing the wave of the collective unconscious. Or, like my bud Lisa said, maybe it’s early menopause.

Like I said. Makes no difference. Bring it on!

Maui 2012

Ocean to Moon

Butterflies at bedtime

Tuck wings into sleep

Dream of when we last touched

And emptiness moved in rhythm

The ocean to the moon

Coming from the twilight

Of heart’s intention

The summer wakening

Whispering sweet surrender

We dance

As lovers last remembered

When wisdom paid her toll

We dance

As enchanted lairs

Where lioness is held

Kissing tender

Beneath the nape of desire

Spin me round the eagle’s call

Inching in as rivers to sand

Play me

This tired swooning captain

Into the darkened state

Where silence beckons

And aches divide

Nothing

But ever merging ecstasy

giggles….”Do you want to have a slumber party in my basement”….giggles

Day 133: Whispered Lullaby

| Aspergers Girls
autismslove.blogspot.com
Created by my friend

Whispered Lullaby

I whisper thee a lullaby

To sing thy soul to sleep

A gentle breeze of humming wings

To soothe and offer peace

A place of solitude within

Where angels touch the truth

And carry forth to eyes of babe

The whereabouts of youth

I whisper thee a lullaby

To sing thy hope to sleep

With empty voice and quiet ears

To chance love never meets

A place of gated reckonings

Where nothing happens real

And carry forth to mouth of one

The morning bells to heal

I whisper thee a lullaby

To sing thy gape to sleep

A blindfold made of atmosphere

To chase away thy sheep

A place of dreams dried rapidly

Where desire’s last doth bleed

And carry forth to heart of mine

The love that grows through seed

I whisper thee a lullaby

To sing thy grace to sleep

With pampered pains of yesteryears

To tender flames of weeps

A place of casualty of want

Where emptied withered cries

And carry forth to joy of light

The rocking chair that glides

I whisper thee a lullaby

To sing thy depths to sleep

A phantom dance upon a land

To steer away the deep

A place of missing merriment

Where answered call was naught

And carry forth to falling tears

The cloth that soothes the daunts

I whisper thee a lullaby

To sing thy rain to sleep

With hurricane of floodgates leaked

To erase what spirit keeps

A place of choking roots of need

Where thirst is met with blood

And carry forth to angel’s wings

A case to trap the mud

I whisper thee a lullaby

To sing thy ache to sleep

A hope that withered in the field

To scathe abandoned heaps

A place of dreams collapsed in sun

Where looker blindly turned

And carry forth this crystal-clasp

A salve to ease the burn

I whisper thee a lullaby

To sing thy pangs to sleep

With path of frosted glass opaque

To find what’s not to keep

A place of past and future joined

Where other spun and left

And carry forth a winged dove

A chance for inner rest

I whisper thee a lullaby

To sing thy angst to sleep

A passion so engorged within

To move is giant leap

A place of casualty of war

Where battles never cease

And carry forth the purest sheet

A bedding for thy grief

I whisper thee a lullaby

To sing thy dreams to sleep

With hope unraveled in the wind

To watch as chance does seep

A place of deaf awakening

Where prayers are left for naught

And carry forth a candle white

A surrendering of thought

I whisper thee a lullaby

To sing thy night to sleep

A day extinguished by the dark

To fetch a ride and meet

A place of lonely passenger

Where single rides along

And carry forth this arms embrace

A haven for thy song

By Me 🙂
 © Everyday Aspergers, 2012. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. https://aspergersgirls.wordpress.com

Day 130: The Two Cups

| Aspergers Girls

I recognize this as a very odd post. This second chakra awakening, passion, or transition—whatever words are chosen to attempt to decipher what is occurring for me at a soul and cellular level, is directly related to reclaiming the spirit in me that was lost in my youth. My sensitive nature, depth of soul, and ability to take in extreme amounts, coupled with the circumstances of my childhood, led me to lock a large portion of my self away.

This portion locked away, was largely the part which knew I was beautifull, knew I was worthy, and knew I was desirable. When very young, I learned how not to live, how not to show joy, how to in effect dislike myself and my body in order to survive.

In knowing this now, with a profound awakening on multiple levels, I am holding a cup in either hand. To the right of me is the hope of this now found passion. To the left, balancing my position, are the memories. I am seeing how each feeds the other. The erupting passion on one side, the imploding self on the other. The flame and the joust.

Here I place the cups before you. Experience as you’d like. For we each stand with two cups. All equally balanced in beauty.

Embracing Me

One of the reasons I am taking photos of myself lately is to embrace the beauty that is me. I never have seen me before. Seen how very lovely inside and out I am. This is part of my growth process. My hair is usually unbrushed and I wear no makeup, say lip gloss. It’s raw, it’s real, and it’s fresh. I love it. 

Breaking Free
Maui 2012

Flame

Naked

He beckons

The depths of me

Fingers dripped in sweet

Honey-suckle nectar

Lips moist

Dew upon the fields of sunrise

Strawberry mist

Pours through

A damp fire of longing

Reclaims pleasure

Lighting the avenue of discontent

With fierce flames of gentle dragon

Until

Devoured by desire

I taste

The phantom of celestial union

Kissing ghosts

Where we once breathed

Beauty
Maui 2012

Switching the MOOD back to LOVE here. One of my FAVORITES…. This video WILL make you smile. I promise…and this is where I am today…in this state of mind. 🙂

Day 127: Enter the River

| Aspergers Girls
YESTERDAY
TODAY

I’ve started this post three times. First about the state of Washington, then about my dog Justice Black, then a poem about faith. But I think what I really need is someone to hold me and sing this song to me.

Having the spirit I do, I am constantly flooded with emotion. I do not know what to expect. Not that any humans do on this earth. But a part of me would like to think that I know what is ahead of me. When in truth, the only thing for certain is this very moment. This very moment that I am crying with such depth. All these feelings. All coming up from long ago; they feel so distant like they are from centuries ago—life times ago. So much grief and happiness, all mixed together.

I am crying so loudly, knowing I am born to be this being, but not always knowing how to comfort this spirit that I am. Knowing so much, so fast, and in such profound ways is overwhelming. Being who I am is overwhelming. Ever since I was a child I have dreamt of the future, I have known things before other people, I have had people visit me in their dreams and tell me of their joys and pain, I have seen angels, spirits, and the dark, I have had answers to prayers, I have seen miracles, I have seen so very much.

I have been called to leadership my entire life, when this gentle, fragile part of me, longs to only be sheltered and protected, to be swept up in a special one’s arms and told that I am safe, that I am found, that I am truth, that I am love. To be told that someone else is fighting for me, someone else not letting go. I am always the one holding on the tightest…..to everyone and everything. The passion in me is so intense at times that I do not know what to do with myself.

I feel the pain of those from thousands of miles away; I feel their joy, too. Energies attach to me, and I can’t distinguish mine from others. Thoughts of others reach me. And I have never been able to stop this, with all the teachers I have sought, I have found limited answers. And many times, longing to be student, I have in turn become teacher. I have looked for my teacher my entire life. Someone who sees more than me. Someone who knows more than I know innately. And I have yet to find him.

I have battled with the voice of demons daily, telling me why I am not of light, when I know I am. I have seen terrible visions in dreams, as if someone is trying to stop me. But I keep fighting.

I embrace light everyday. I am as honest and whole and authentic as I can be. But then, I am raw on the outside, made vulnerable to everything and everyone.

I can do nothing without feeling. I cannot eat without being directly affected by the food. Each food affects my physical body and mind differently. It is easier not to eat. I am affected by weather patterns, by the sun, by the lack of sun. I am affected by chemicals, by environmental toxins—a little bird in the coal mine. I am affected by every vibration of every word I read. I feel through words. I feel energy. I see images. I know others’ pain. I see other’s pain. I know without knowing how. And I cry for them, as much as me. I don’t understand why I was born with such extreme sensitivity. Why I understand concepts at great, great depth. Why I cannot stop thinking about certain people. Why they are like angels to me. I don’t understand why I still feel so isolated when I am surrounded in love.

I don’t understand the voices of guidance I hear. I don’t understand how I can hear such knowledge, and why, in some ways, I have been chosen to shine my light. I feel so unworthy to do so. I feel so inadequate and ill prepared, as if I will never be strong enough to stand upright when I carry the burdens of the world.

But then a gentle voice whispers.

He says I am loved immensely.

I am right where I am supposed to be.

That I have chosen to be a voice.

That I am so very strong and brave to have endured so very much.

And that he holds me.

That he loves me above all else.

And that he is so very sorry that I have to feel such depths of pain.

But that in return he has given me great depths of joy.

A joy so many cannot and will not ever know.

He reminds me of how good and pure I am.

How beneficial to the world I am.

That I am a gift.

He reminds me that all is okay.

That I am sheltered each and every second.

That I will not fall.

That I will not die.

That I will live on.

That my light and my substance, my innocence will live on.

Nothing and no one will snuff my light.

Nothing and no one will stop me from shining.

And I weep louder.

And I understand.

Like I have understood since I was a tiny little girl crying alone in the dark.

That he is there. That he is here.

That he is always holding me.

Maui “Enter the River”
2012

Enter the River

Enter the river, the spirit of me

And I will show you visions

Unseen

Unspoken

Enter the river, the heart of me

And I will embrace you with love

Everlasting

Ever growing

Enter the river, the mind of me

And I will enlighten

Truth

Knowing

Enter the river, the healer of me

And we will be as one

Embraced

United

 

 

 

Wounded Healer Writing